Monday, June 30, 2008

Manny Being Schizophrenic!!!

So a week after Shawn Chacon stomped a mudhole in Astros GM, Ed Wade (much to the joy of every Phillies fan in the country), now we're hearing that Manny Ramirez midget-tossed a Sox traveling secretary!

An interesting question was posed regarding the matter already, and here it is:

Other than a difference of 505 career homers, how was this attack different from Shawn Chacon's tussle with Ed Wade?

Here's the difference. Manny didn't attack his boss. If Manny had thrown Theo Epstein on the floor, then there'd be a good chance that he'd get cut loose by the team. However, at the same time, I think Epstein's also younger, more fit, and enough of a man to admit that he deserved it if he did, in fact deserve it.

Ed Wade's a crusty old chickenshit who, by some accounts, provoked Chacon and then cried foul when he got what he deserved. Wade claims that it's all Chacon's fault of course, but I've already picked my side of it... which is to say that I think Ed Wade deserved to be punched regardless of what happened... because he's a shitty GM.

Point is... that if you hit a co-worker, you'll probably get fired.
If you hit your boss... you're DEFINITELY getting shit-canned.

Plus, when you really think about it, Manny Ramirez is on the books for $20 Million a year, so to buy him out for half a season would cost the Sox $10 Million.

If the Red Sox traveling secretary sues the team for failing to discipline the ManRam, is he going to get $10 Million? Probably not, so even from a financial stance, it makes more sense to keep your best hitter, win games and make a run at the World Series.

Funny thing about it... Manny was trying to get 16 tickets for a game in Houston. Maybe Manny's tight with Chacon and did this to lobby for his addition to the Sox Roster!!

People Think He's a Moron

This guy... some Atlanta Braves blogger. Evidently, people think he's some kind of jerkoff for suggesting that the Braves should sign Barry Bonds for the rest of the season.

Well he's absolutely correct. The Braves SHOULD sign Barry Bonds. 29 other major league teams should also sign him, because based on his stats as recently as last year, he's a better offensive player than 99% of the guys currently sitting on major league rosters.

More so, the fact that an AL Team hasn't signed him to DH is completely ridiculous. I hate steroids in baseball as much as ANYBODY and as a fan, I can puff myself up and wax poetic about how there's no place in the game of baseball for it, and that these guys should be banned for life and thrown in prison for breaking U.S. Laws relating to the abuse of narcotics and controlled substances.

I can do these things because I'm not the General Manager of a Major League Franchise. If I were a GM, I'd still be free to have my opinions, but I'd also have a job that obligates me to do my best to win baseball games. To be able to look my fans in the eye and say, "Yeah, I'm doing everything that I can, within the constraints of my owner's budget, to try to win games and win a championship."

And when you're the Seattle Mariners, and you've given over 200 at bats to Jose Vidro (.220/.269/.326, 5 HR, 9 2B, 35 RBI) as a DH, how can you honestly say that you're doing your best to win games? The answer is that you can't.

This Braves blogger nails it on the head. Bonds would cost as much as a minor leaguer. No talent has to be given up via trade to get him. He'd probably hit 15 to 20 home runs in half a season, not to mention drawing walks and getting on base at a freakishly high level, enabling the other bats in the lineup to drive in more runs.

And what are the cons?

Bonds hurts team chemistry. - Teams that win have better chemistry than teams that lose. Bonds helps you win a lot more than Matt Diaz.
Bonds is a boogieman. - Which means what exactly? Nothing.
Bonds is a prick. - I'd rather have a prick who can OPS 1.000+ than a nice guy with an OPS+ of 56 in my starting lineup.
Nobody likes Bonds. - His hometown fans will love him. They never stopped cheering for him in San Francisco, because the bottom line is that no matter how much of a cheating fucking asshole a guy is... you never hate him when he's playing well in your team's uniform.

Ask Yankee fans about Jason Giambi and Andy Pettitte. As Royals fans about Jose Guillen. Look over the Mitchell Report. Every team has guys who cheated, and every team cheers their players regardless of what they're accused of. Bonds would be no different.

And as for the legal issues, the feds have basically guaranteed that the trial won't start until after the season. So that's a non-issue.

Not investigating adding that kind of offensive weapon to your team is moronic. That's the bottom line.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Doug Stanhope - Fucking Hysterical

Yeah, I've been listening to this guy for about a year now. He's fucking terrific. Sort of out of a similar vein to George Carlin's material, especially later in his career. A lot of religion and politics, and a deep understanding of the fact that the government is fucking you... which is something I'm obviously a huge believer in. Here's a clip, check the guy out. I'm rather sure you'll all enjoy him.

Learn the material, because you will be tested. Well, not really, but at least you'll know when I'm stealing his jokes.

This Amuses Me As Much As Upsets Me...

This right here.

If you follow tennis at all then you've probably heard of Justin Gimelstob. I don't follow tennis at all, and I knew the name. Apparently, Justin's never dealt with the media before. He sat down with US Radio for an hour and talked to them like they were his frat buddies.

Hey Justin, they couldn't be more prepared to dig your grave if they came to the interview holding shovels and dressed like this. Moving right along, in the interview, Gimelstob tore into several female tennis players, calling them 'sexpots', 'douches', and 'bitches'.

Most of his venom was directed at Anna Kournikova, who he trained when she was a junior. He went so far as to say that he wouldn't hit it, because her face is only a 5, but he'd be happy if his brother tapped that ass. He called her a bitch and claimed that he's going to make her cry when he plays her in an exhibition next month.

There's an old joke about the words 'bitch' and 'slut' and it goes something like this.

A slut fucks everybody. A bitch fucks everybody but you.

And Justin, here's a tip for that exhibition match next month. Play completely naked! I'm sure Anna Kournikova will be moved to tears, plus it'll be really hard for her to hit a tennis ball while she's doubled over laughing at you.

I don't see what's good or funny about directing your attacks at this. Or this. Or this. It's actually completely nutless. Especially when we all know that this guy is at home right now waxing his carrot to pictures of Pete Sampras.

God, I can't believe I just wrote this much about tennis. But yeah, for the record, you can think whatever you want about chicks. You can say... whatever you want about chicks... privately. When you go on the record, calling a bunch of girls 'bitches' and 'sexpots' and shit... it's probably going to be a VERY long time before you get Waldo the One-Eyed Cyclops into the swimming pool again.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Because I Pride Myself on Keeping You Informed...

I'm presuming that everybody's heard about Shaq's little rap escapade the other night.

Well, now you can get t-shirts that pose Shaq's most interesting question ever.

And just because it's my job to remember stuff that you've tried to forget... here's one of Shaq's other rap adventures.

I tawt I taw a puddy tat!!!

And just so you know, "I Quell Anal Hoes" is an anagram for Shaquille ONeal. I don't know why that's important, but it is.

People Are Oblivious to the Government!!

This article was actually linked down below in the sponsor section of my page. (And by the way, if you like the job that I do here, you can go ahead and click on those things so I actually make some bucks from this work, but that's your call.)

This bunch of 'researchers' did a study on the tipping habits of people based on the race of the person providing a service.

The findings? Black taxi drivers receive smaller tips than White taxi drivers. Here's the funny thing though... it doesn't matter what the race of the passenger is. Black passengers give better tips to White Drivers too! Why? I don't fucking know. This isn't my specialty at all and I'm not really here to try to solve racism, although it's been a hot topic thanks to Jemele Hill and Imus.

The study suggests two solutions, both of which are completely fucking retarded:

1) Outlaw Tips - Yeah! That's a great way to solve the problem! Outlaw tips! Then NOBODY makes money!! The best way to solve a problem is always to bite off your own nose to spite your face!! Good thinking!! I'm sure taxi drivers everywhere will rally around the idea to cut their collective income by 20-40%.

2) Heavy Government Regulation of Tipping - DING DING DING!! Here's the agenda!!! THE GOVERNMENT WANTS YOUR TIPS!!!!

Anybody who works for tips will tell you that most of the money they earn in tips doesn't find it's way onto a tax form. It's tax-free income!!! The government has NO WAY of knowing!! Unless we allow them to create a set of hard guidelines for tips! Then they can use a little formula and know EXACTLY how much tips were earned.

But how on Earth would the Government get anybody to agree to something that would hurt them and take money out of their pockets! Simple!! Blame it on race!! Or gender! Or sexuality! It's because you're BLACK!! It's because you're a WOMAN!!! It's because you're GAY!!!

Let me make this clear. It's not because you're black or female or gay. It's because the Government wants your MONEY... and they need to DISTRACT YOU so they can STEAL IT!!

So lets presume that this study is true and whites make better tips than blacks.

Scenario A: Things as they are.
White Driver makes $200 a week in tips. Black Driver makes $150 a week in tips.
Total Earnings - White Driver: $200, Black Driver: $150

Scenario B: Government-established tips, heavily regulated, amounts determined by percentage of service cost.
White Driver makes $150 a week in tips. Black Driver makes $150 a week in tips.
Government taxes 100% of tips as income.
Total Earnings - White Driver: $85, Black Driver $85

So in this situation, equality comes at a cost of $65 - $115 a week. The government wins. Everybody else loses. Use your brains before you agree to shit that's going to take money out of your pocket in the name of imaginary equality.

Do yourself a favor and listen to this guy. He saw through what was going on. You should too.

Phils Fans Rejoice!!

Someone finally kicked Ed Wade's ass for you!!! Yup, the GM that traded Curt Schilling for Omar Daal, Travis Lee and Vicente Padilla got served! He's also the guy who gave long-term deals to the fossilized remains of David Bell and Mike Lieberthal and a no-trade clause to Phillie favorite Bobby Abreu!!

Wade works for the Astros now, where he's already dealt Brad Lidge for spare parts and his entire minor league system for Mitchell Report alumni Miguel Tejada.

So why would anybody in their right mind want to kick his ass?

Yup, former Pirate/Yankee/Rockie Shawn Chacon pulled a Latrell Sprewell on him.

The part that I find upsetting is this: Chacon will get all the blame here. This cunt gets in Chacon's face, screaming and yelling like a fucking child. Chacon, by all accounts, is calm, relaxed and seemingly ready to behave like an adult, and the GM, who's many years his senior and in a prominent executive position for a major league baseball franchise, is acting like a little prick.

So Wade gets tossed on the floor and mounted... which he deserved. He really did. If you walked over to somebody in the streets and acted like this, you'd be lucky if they didn't pull a Jerry "I'll Cut You" Manuel on you!

To me, Chacon was perfectly justified in kicking his boss's stupid, crusty ass. You'd think that GMs and Coaches would learn by now, that they're dealing with powerhouse professional athletes who, in many cases, make a hell of a lot more money than the GM or Coach. Yelling and screaming a little as a posturing move is one thing... but getting right up in a guy's face like that is crossing a line that, in a lot of cases, is going to get an old man busted in the chops.

So yeah, fuck Ed Wade. He got what he deserved.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Worst Michael Vick Joke Ever...

And simultaneously the only time I'll ever mention the College World Series.

University of Georgia vs. Fresno State.

Yup. Bulldogs vs. Bulldogs... so I guess you could call it... a dog fight.

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it...

Porn Names in MLB?

Here's the list...

It was written by some guy. The cool thing about it is that "some guy" might actually have less credibility than me! Well, I'm gonna steal his idea with a very slight variation. Baseball players with Porn names... but specifically CHICK PORN NAMES!!! If you saw girls with these names chowing box in a girl-on-girl movie, you wouldn't bat an eye about it. Just for the hell of it, I'm gonna link chick pictures whenever possible!!!

1) Kosuke Fukudome - How can anybody possibly beat this name? Break it down by syllable! Fuck-You, Do Me!!!!!!! What's more porn than that!?

2) Chase Headley - Hahaha, his name actually involves the words "Chase Head"

3) B.J. Upton - Girls named B.J. can go a long way in the business.

4) Kerry Wood - Kerri? Never the less, she loves the wood.

5) Dana Eveland - Just think of the name Eve Land, as a secondary innuendo for the vagina, in an Adam and Eve sort of way.

6) Joey Devine - Yeah, I'm picking on the Oakland A's. I didn't give this guy the same last name as Ava.

7) Dallas McPherson - Brings new meaning to Debbie Does Dallas.

8) Jesse Litsch - If you say it fast... or if you call him Jesse-liscious. Which isn't a stretch.

9) Coco Crisp - First search of the name Coco on Google Images. I rest my case.

10) Randy Winn - Who also should have made the male list... with a name like RANDY. That goes both ways...

Pacman Being Profiled?

I figure I should at least glance over this new Don Imus garbage, since I tore into Jemele Hill yesterday. In the name of fairness and all that.

I'll start by saying that I don't hate Pacman Jones. I probably should, because he's an imbecile, but I don't because... well, he amuses me. Come on, you giggled a little when he pulled that "make it rain" stunt with the garbage bag full of dollar bills.

Don Imus made sure to point out that Pacman's black when his arrest record was brought up and concluded "Well, there you go. We know why" he's been arrested so many times.

Well, Imus needed to weasel off the racist hook, so here we go...

“What people should be outraged about is that they arrest blacks for no reason,” Imus said Tuesday. “I mean, there’s no reason to arrest this kid six times. Maybe he did something once, but everyone does something once.”

Lets see what Adam Jones' wikipedia page says on the subject.

On July 13, 2005 Jones was arrested on charges of assault and felony vandalism stemming from a nightclub altercation.

On October 2005, in a petition filed by the State of West Virginia, it was alleged that Jones had not made regular and sufficient contact with his probation officer

On August 25, 2006, Jones was arrested in Murfreesboro, Tennessee for disorderly conduct and public intoxication after claiming that a woman stole his wallet. She claimed that she did not steal anything and Jones spat on her. Police officers said they ordered Jones to leave several times, but he refused, continuing to shout profanities at the woman.

On October 26, 2006. Jones was cited for misdemeanor assault for allegedly spitting in the face of a female student from Tennessee State University during a private party at Club Mystic, a Nashville nightclub.

Jones also is set to appear in a Fayetteville, Georgia court in 2007 for his February 2006 incident on subpoenas for felony and misdemeanor obstruction of justice charges for an incident outside a home.

On June 18, 2007 Jones was sought by police for questioning after a shooting at an Atlanta strip club allegedly involved members of his entourage.

And that's without talking about the Vegas thing... read that one for yourself.

Here are the highlights.

1) Pacman grabbing a stripper by the hair and slamming her head on the stage because she was taking money that he dropped out of a garbage bag onto the stage at a strip club without his permission.

2) Jones threatening the life of the security guard who stopped him from making a bass drum out of a girl's head.

3) A member of Pacman's entourage returning to the club and shooting the security guard who's life Jones had just threatened. The guard is now paralyzed. Forever.

So lets summarize. Two shootings. Two instances of spitting on a woman. Two assault charges. Vandalism. Skipping out on his probie.

Yeah Imus, sounds to me like he's being unfairly targeted. What kind of fucking country is this when a guy can't take 27 of his closest friends, go to a gentleman's club, practice his crossover with the foreheads of strippers and then shoot the place up without getting arrested!!

There go my plans for Friday night.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Jemele Hill's Apology

It's not a Buzz Bissinger... but we'll take (a dump all over) it...

The beginning is easy: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being thoughtless and insensitive.

And offensive to Jews, Veterans, Mel Gibson, the Reagan Administration and basically all of America?

I'm sorry for making a casual reference to something that should never be construed as casual.

Saying that being a Celtics fan is akin to thinking "Hitler was a victim" isn't really a casual reference. Something about mentioning Hitler is never casual. Unless it's Emo Hitler.

Real apologies don't mix with rationalizations, so I won't insult your intelligence by offering you any.

But you just rationalized it by saying that these were "casual references." That's a rationalization. And I bet you're going to spend a page-and-a-half rationalizing it further, aren't you? My intelligence is bracing for insult.

This isn't about my editors because even if the word "Hitler" never appeared in the posted column last Saturday, that doesn't change the fact that I wrote it and, at the time, found humor in making a moronic comparison between a man who was responsible for killing millions to Detroiters who root for the Boston Celtics.

This sounds a lot like rationalization. Although it's good to know that you thought it was funny when you wrote it. I thought you were going for shock effect. Now I realize that you actually laughed about it, and I'm actually more insulted.

This is about my living up to a standard I expect of everyone else -- respect, awareness, honesty and accountability.

It's kind of about being a hypocrite Jemele. You've been writing about the topic of race and racism for the last year-and-a-half. You've torn into every white person who's given you ANY reason. You've basically demanded the heads of Don Imus and Kelly Tilghman for similar (but not nearly as offensive) remarks on LIVE BROADCASTS.

The difference is that Don Imus and Kelly Tilghman don't get to take back the words they say. You're writing an article, which you presumably re-read and edit in some manner. You had numerous chances to adhere to that "standard" of yours. You failed at "respect" and "awareness" when you made the remarks. And this apology isn't doing much for "honesty" or "accountability."

In January, I wrote about Kelly Tilghman, the Golf Channel anchor who was suspended two weeks for joking on the air that young players should "lynch [Tiger Woods] in a back alley." I wrote, "... those who, like Woods, believed this is a 'non-issue' would understand that the word 'lynch' is off-limits to most blacks, just as joking about the Holocaust is off-limits to most Jews."

Okay, so you knew better than to make such a 'joke' and you did it anyway. This apology is making you look a lot more like someone who needs to be fired.

I got too comfortable with my own knowledge and history of dealing with racial issues.

You mean since that's all you write about? Race? So you're telling me that your ignorant remarks were bred by YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF THE SUBJECT?!

I dropped my guard. I got caught up in being cutesy and wrote something stupid.

Cutesy!? You think that's fucking cutesy!? The implication that Celtics fans favor seeing America nuked by the Russians is cutesy!? Jesus fucking Christ, I want you fired more now than when I read your stupid fucking comments.

Just because I'm a black woman doesn't mean I've got an automatic sensitivity chip for cultures outside of my own.

Yeah, it really just means that you're safe to write whatever you want about the topics of race and/or gender and nobody will call you on your bullshit for fear of being called racist. However, I'll take this statement to mean that you're admitting that you're completely unqualified for your job, and that you deserve to be fired.

In the Tilghman column, I wrote, "While I don't believe [Tilghman] is a racist, I certainly wouldn't classify what she said as a 'slip.' A cussword is a slip. This was a constructed, racial scenario that is a frightening reminder for some people in this country."

Maybe Tilghman got caught up in being cutesy! You know what is a constructed, racial scenario that is a frightening reminder for some people in this country? Holocaust Denial!!! Which is what you're doing when you suggest that Hitler was a victim. Which you did.

The moment I put "Hitler" and "victim" in the same sentence, I did the exact same thing. It doesn't matter that my intent was to use hyperbole to bolster the humor.

You were using hyperbole to bolster the humor? I thought you were being cutesy. Make up your fucking mind. And in order to bolster the humor, there must first be humor. The fact that you keep insisting that any part of this is humorous really only tells me that you're not sorry enough, and should be fired.

I once wrote about Don Imus that "speech is free, but consequences are not."

You also wrote that if "he needs to be fired to understand that this is unacceptable, then so be it." And here you are, with the assertion that you simply mis-worded a joke. You constructed a racial scenario that is a frightening reminder for some people in this country. Remember?

My consequence is losing some of my credibility, and for me, that's a stiff penalty.

That's a non-existent penalty. The fact that you're apparently going to keep your job is proof that you haven't been held accountable even slightly for your actions. The only punishment stiff enough for Imus was a swift firing, right? So if you were to hold yourself to that same standard, then you should quit your job. Shouldn't you Jemele? Wouldn't that be a show of your integrity?

I learned some good and some not-so-good things about people during the week of my suspension. I've learned who my friends are.

You have friends? When did this happen?

I've learned Boston Celtics fans sure do know how to make the most out of e-mail.

So you've learned to continue mocking Celtics fans, basically? Aren't they entitled to e-mail you after being compared to fucking Nazis?! I don't agree with Beantowners much, but they get a free pass when it comes to you. And it never expires.

When it comes to race, uncomfortable is best.

When it comes to race, maybe ESPN really doesn't need someone who's exclusive job is to write about it. Have we considered that option? That maybe if people didn't make their LIVING off of pointing out instances of racism... that maybe we wouldn't spend so much time thinking about race? And maybe if we didn't spend so much time thinking about race... there'd be less racism?

I'll tell you something that DOESN'T reduce racism. Paying people to climb onto a pedestal and point their finger while screaming, "RACIST! RACIST! RACIST!!" every time they disagree with someone's actions.

I'm not going to stop writing about race.

I'm not going to stop insisting that you need to be fired, because you've learned nothing. You've simply rationalized the situation... after telling me that you weren't going to insult my intelligence with rationalizations.

You've claimed ignorance, humor, knowledge, hyperbole and 'being cutesy' as excuses. None of these excuses holds any degree of water, and none of it makes this better.

Do yourself a favor and fall on your sword. The only reason ESPN hasn't fired you, is because they're scared you'll call them Racists.

My first (Hat)Post!

For those of you who've been to FJM, either by my rampant promotion of them, or just because you know your way around the net and found it yourself, you'll know this guy. His name is Mike Celizic, aka Hat Guy. I've been dying to write something of Hat Guy's up for months now, and I finally have the chance, so suffice to say, I'm a happy (Hat) guy! And better still... because Mr. Hat's article involves Jessica Simpson... the blue links will probably bring you to pictures of her, which is always nice. So here we go...

There should be great rejoicing in Dallas at the news that Tony Romo has told gal pal Jessica Simpson that it’s been a fun summer, but now it’s time for football.

Most people probably don't care, because most people probably aren't dumb enough to believe that it's her fault the Cowboys lost to the Giants. Then again, we are talking about Texans here... so maybe I'm wrong and Mr. Hat is right. Yeah, lets go with that. Lets blame the Cowboys loss on this.

Simpson probably isn’t used to hearing that there is something in the world more important than she is.

She doesn't strike me as self-obsessed, a little ditzy for sure, but not a complete self-absorbed bitch.

It’s not anything most women, let alone a famous actress and singer, want to hear from their men.

Ahh, makes more sense now. This is more along the lines of "misogynistic comment from a guy who hasn't been fucked since he served that stint in prison for stealing hats" than "an attack on Jessica Simpson because... well... she probably can't read and thus won't see it."

Quarterbacks, not even famous ones playing for the legendary Dallas Cowboys, don’t have time for romances with high-maintenance celebrities. Look at Tom Brady, the other swinging NFL bachelor quarterback.

*Head scratch* Umm... wha? Oh, okay I understand. The word "not" screws this entire sentence. Now I understand Mr. Professional Hat-Wielding Journalist. So how many NFL Quarterbacks have you spoken to? You know... to verify your poorly-stated findings? None? Ahh, okay. And yes, lets look at Tom Brady. The Tom Brady who was in NY playing with his super-model girlfriend the week before the Super Bowl... in which he played poorly...and in which his team lost. The difference? Pats fans blame their Offensive Line. And Matt Walsh.

His girlfriend is a famous model, Gisele “The Brady” Bundchen, but she doesn’t have an ego that needs constand feeding. (Misspelling is his)

Gisele "The Brady" Bundchen? Number one... that's not even slightly funny. And number two, Chris Berman is on the phone with his lawyers right now. He's made a 30+ career out of shitty nickname jokes and you can't just shit all over his trademark Mr. Celizic!! How would you like it if Chris Berman started wearing a hat?

They spend time together usually without anyone even being aware he’s in New York staying over.

Or maybe his fans are smart enough to understand that he doesn't have a bad game because he's distracted by his girlfriend. Whereas George Carlin once said that the best thing about the Death Penalty in Texas is... less Texans.

Guys like Peyton Manning and Bret Favre like to have everything in order. So they get married young, and they usually stay married. And they marry good, solid women who understand that they’re not just wives but also a support team.

There you have it. They figure it's best to get all that stupid family shit out of the way early so they can concentrate on football. In fact, most NFL Quarterbacks have arranged marriages. It works sort of like this:

Dan Marino: Hey coach...
High School Coach: Yes, young Dan Marino?
DM: I'm thinking that I need to get marriage out of the way before life gets messy.
HSC: Probably a good idea, young Dan!
DM: So here's what I want. I want you to find me a woman... but not just any woman. A good, solid woman!!
HSC: Good, check. Solid, check. Strong on plow too?
DM: Yeah, strong on plow. But you know... a woman who understands that she's a support team, and that football comes ahead of things like having children and loving each other.
HSC: So I'm looking for a good, solid woman who's strong on plow and doesn't mind that you don't love her or want to spend time with her. Got it. Shouldn't be too hard.

And the ones who don’t get married sort of dabble in romance, like Brady, but without letting the relationship get in the way of football.

Except for that time that he was limping around NY with Gisele the week before the Super Bowl, which his team lost. Or the time when he dumped his baby mama, and dragged all that baby mama drama around with him for several months.

Romo seemed a different case. His last girlfriend was another high-profile actress, Jennifer Anniston. Then it was Simpson, who came with her very involved – some would say meddling – father, Joe, and her sister and the whole Simpson clan.

1) Her name is spelled Jennifer Aniston, with only one N, got that Mike Spelizic?!
2) Tony Romo never dated her. His last high-profile actress was Carrie Underwood, not Jennifer Aniston. Did you fact-check any of this Hat Guy?
3) Joe Simpson's a little crazy. Ashlee Simpson's married with a kid (maybe) on the way. How much of a headache can she possibly be? Has anybody heard anything about anybody else in that family? Like ever?

Cowboy fans decided she was bad luck, which is a little harsh.

Then why are you writing this article Mr. Top Hat? And if the 2008 Cowboy's failings are the fault of Jessica Simpson and bad luck, then who are the blaming for 2007, when he couldn't take a fucking snap? Maybe Romo is just a choke artist.

And now they’re back together, except he’s concentrating on football first and if he’s got some spare moments, she’s welcome to come over and watch him study game film.

Tony, Jessica, do yourselves a favor and check outside your window. In the bushes, there must surely be a man in a hat. He's watching you. He knows what you do when you're alone... or maybe he's talking out his ass again, like when he misspelled Jennifer Aniston's name while insisting (wrongly) that she's dated Tony Romo.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Curt Schilling... Hall of Famer?

Probably not, right? But if it's even remotely possible, Red Sox Nation Media Affiliate, ESPN will push the idea as early and as often as humanly possible.

If you ever doubted that ESPN is, as a whole, a card-carrying member of Red Sox Nation, all you need do is look at Page 2 of late, and read over the 7,402 articles (I didn't count, but I'm pretty sure it's 7,402, give or take a couple) sucking off the ref-slanted Celtics series victory over the Lakers.

It's been the same kind of interactive gangbang following Sox championships and Patriots championships, with Bill Simmons writing 17 entries a week to express nothing other than his arrogant fanboy drivel. Lately Jim Caple's getting into the mix. DJ Gallo and Patrick Hruby are crusading against those bastard "bandwagon Cubs" fans.

I wonder what Jemele Hill's up to... oh wait... she's still on suspension for likening Celtics fans to Nazi's. Which sorta makes me wonder if she's in trouble for the offensive nature of her statements... or because it was directed at Boston fans specifically.

But back to Schilling. We'll get to the numbers in a minute... Jayson Stark thinks Schill in the Hall is debatable. Rob Neyer thinks he's a lock.
And as for the Baseball Tonight crew?

Buster Olney: "you've got to look at his incredible post-season record! 11-2!!!"

Which means that we're inducting Curt Schilling based on 19 post-season starts. I guess that means there's a pretty good case for Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez too then, right? I mean, he's 9-3 with a 2.55 Post-Season ERA!! And he's won 3 rings! The same as Schilling!! Who cares if he's 210 wins short of the criteria that EVERY OTHER PITCHER has to conform to!?! LOOK AT THOSE POST-SEASON NUMBERS!!!

Orestes Destrade: If Schilling is a Hall of Famer, then so is Orel Hershiser!

Good point!! Great point!! Similar to my El Duque point... except that Destrade keeps going... as though to say that they BOTH belong in the Hall of Fame... and again, no... they do not.

Now for the numbers. Schilling is 216-146 for his career with 3116 strikeouts, a 3.46 ERA. Here are some guys with very similar numbers to these...

Kevin Brown: 211-144, 3.28 ERA
Bob Welch: 211-146, 3.47 ERA
Orel Hershiser: 204-150, 3.48 ERA
Mike Mussina: 260-149, 3.71 ERA
David Cone: 194-126, 3.46 ERA

Are these guys Hall of Famers by your estimation? Because if Schilling's in, the Mussina should be a lock, right?

Now take this into account: Before Schilling went to Boston, he was sitting at 163-117. He's gone 53-29 behind an team that's ranked 1 or 2 in pretty much every major statistical category for the entire time he's been there.

Shouldn't that be considered? Isn't that part of the reason that Mike Mussina's not a Hall of Famer? Because he's won 113 games behind the Yankees robust offense?

All in all, no. Curt Schilling is abso-fucking-lutley not a Hall of Famer. His numbers come up short in a few categories, and with exception to a period of 3 years between Arizona and his first year in Boston (which might well have been PED-Fueled), he's never been among the best in the game. Not to mention the fact that he's one of the biggest fucking blowhards to ever write a blog, and I somehow feel as though the entire blogosphere has been contaminated by it. So I'm a biased asshole too.

Rest In Peace: George Carlin.

People listen to a guy like George Carlin, and they hear a comedian, because he presents the truth to you in a funny way. They call it dark satire. What those people don't realize is that in this day and age, there's no such thing as a 'philosopher' any more.

We have no Plato, no Descartes. No Thomas Hobbes or Friedrich Nietzsche. Aristotle is dead. Rousseau is long gone. Nobody has replaced them, and nobody is ever going to, because true sociology, true philosophy has the ability to open eyes, and to make a general populous realize injustice and the need to rise up against it.

Comedy merely entertains. Listen to this clip and tell me that he's wrong.

And what do we do? We laugh at what he says. We know it's true and that's what makes it funny. But it's also what makes it sad. We lost a great comedian in George Carlin, but we lost an even better Philosopher and Thinker. And these contributions shouldn't be overlooked just because the guy made you laugh at everything that's wrong with this world.

Contrary to Popular Belief!!!

In direct contradiction to every stereotype to ever exist about men...

Here is proof that guys find a girl with a brain sexy.

The fact of the matter is that the only people who specifically want to date retarded women, are retarded men. So yeah, if we're talking about dating trends among inbred, West Virginians... then IQ's probably not very high on the list.

However, if we're talking about big cities or even suburban life... having something to talk about is definitely high on the list. Not as high up the list as nice tits... but pretty high.

The point is this ladies. Now would be a good time to go get yourself a library card. Don't trade your gym membership for it... but having both might be a good idea.

Unless you wanna date this guy. And you're gonna have to fight Pam for him.

Proof That People Will Never Get It...

In the Year of Darkness, 2029, the rulers of this planet devised the ultimate plan. They would reshape the Future by changing the Past. The plan required something that felt no pity. No pain. No fear. Something unstoppable. They created 'THE TERMINATOR.'

Okay, so maybe it's not that dire. Basically the assertion of that article, is that bloggers are suddenly, and collectively starting to "get it." We (and I generously include myself in this discussion) are suddenly realizing that we can no longer go off half-cocked, or quarter-cocked (but it's okay to go off cockless if you're a chick blogger) with whatever rumors or opinions that we might have.

We're maturing! We're growing and aging! We have hair on our still underdeveloped pubic regions now, and one day, if encouraged and guided by a father-figure like Jay Mariotti, we might one day stop masturbating furiously to midget porn and leave the safety of our mother's basements, and in doing so, we might gain a semblance of credibility!

Sites such as SportsbyBrooks, Kissing Suzy Kolber, With Leather and Mr. Irrelevant have touted themselves as edgy and independent, outsiders free to write what mainstream media will not.

Which is, of course, a good thing, right? Because additional coverage from different perspectives can only enlighten readers to the different interpretations of a situation, or entertain them with a more humor-driven approach to a serious topic. And anybody who's not interested, doesn't have to read. Who could take issue with that?

Critics have portrayed them differently: the rabid fan sitting at a computer in his parents' basement, in his pajamas, spewing opinion.

Who are these critics, because I think we've already established that they're full of shit. Why... I think they're professional sportswriters! I think it's the hacks who are taking salaries to sit in their pajamas and spew opinion!! Could they possibly feel threatened by the fact that now anybody can do their job, and in many cases, do their job better than they're capable of doing it?

Or to ask the same question in a more concise manner... is it possible that the people who are most critical of blogging are the people who's careers are most directly threatened by it?

"Bloggers are maturing and realizing that we're moving out of the childhood age of this industry, into an awkward adolescence," said Robert Niles, who chronicles new media on his website. "For some bloggers, they can see adulthood on the horizon."

And then there's this asshole! Some douche bag who's pushing his own website by speculating about the motives of hundreds of other writers whom he's never met, and probably never read. It's not about childhood or adulthood. It's about what the blogger is trying to accomplish by writing a blog... and that varies for EVERY. SINGLE. BLOGGER.

There is no research being conducted regarding the maturation curve of members of the blogosphere. There are no studies being funded by UCLA's Department of Bullshit on the Internet. Nobody's being interviewed by the New York Times. Robert Niles of is very sensibly talking out his ass about something he has no way of knowing.

"It's a question of how successful do we want to be and how much are we willing to adjust our approach?" said Mike Florio of ProFootballTalk, who began blogging in 2000. "We're gaining revenue, gaining credibility."

Says the owner of ONE BLOG. Mike Florio of decided that given the chance to gain credibility, and thus potentially increase his earning potential, that he would pass on the chance to talk about Terrell Owens in Bang Bros Porn. And for Mike Florio, that's probably the right decision.

If somebody came to me tomorrow and offered to pay me $100,000.00 a year to write this blog under their domain, under the condition that I promise to never use profanity again... well Shitfuckshitfuckbitchcocktitsmotherfuckballsdirtysanchez!!! I would most definitely take that deal!!

"We're trying to make money on this," said A.J. Daulerio, a senior writer for Deadspin. "Without going completely porn, the best way to do that is to add a more journalistic element."

Wow A.J. Daulerio from Deadspin!! You're trying to make money too?! That's why Mike Florio from ProFootballTalk added a more journalistic approach to his dealings!! So let me re-write the premise of this article. The new title is:

Wild Times for Sports Blogs That Want to Be Credible and Make Money May Be Nearing an End!

Because the bottom line is the writer's aims and goals. If you want to gain credibility and turn profit, then at some point, you need to sanitize your act. And in doing so, bloggers are also bringing to light the greatest fears of 'sports journalists'... because people are starting to turn to Deadspin instead of FoxSports or ESPN. Why? Because it's not the same old crusty bullshit and stale views from the last 20 years. It's new, it's exciting, and it's not totally made-up.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Best Paid Benchwarmers?

I love comments. And I love e-mails ( And this is your chance to do one or the other.

Forbes released a list of the Best Paid Benchwarmers in Sports. I'm gonna focus mainly on the baseball end of this... because I think they missed a lot of guys who belonged on this list. Here's what they came up with:

1) Dave Roberts ($6.5M)
2) Jacque Jones ($6.3M)
3) Jay Payton ($5M)
4) D-meat-hook Young ($5M)
5) Frank Catalanotto ($4M)

Well how about the following guys? How do they miss this cut?

Carl Pavano is making $11M this year to not pitch for the Yankees.
Brandon Inge is on the books for $6.2M and it is his job to watch Miguel Cabrera hack it up at third base.
Coco Crisp makes $5M as a 4th outfielder without a bat.
Gary Matthews, Jr. is Anaheim's Coco Crisp... only for $9.4M this year.
Juan Pierre's making $8M this year. And Nomar Garciaparra is making $9.5M. Do I need to say more?

Who am I forgetting here? There's got to be a lot more of these guys... I thought it was a joke that Frank Catalanotto made a top 5... because his salary is only slightly above the major league average... I knew there had to be worse guys out there. There are probably more.

So please, give me your opinions on this. I want to know who you think is stealing money from your team. Lets make an Interactive Gangbang out of this topic!!!!!

Girls Gone Wild! You're Doing It Wrong!!!

Check this out guys...

It had to be a chick from New York, didn't it? Smoking on a plane, bitchslapping flight attendants and spewing racial slurs like a Lohan on Crystal Meth!

They're saying she had 2 beers in the airport and 3 'vodka drinks' on the plane. So five drinks. If this bitch got that nuts on five drinks, I'm DYING to see what she'd do during a full night at a crazy, fucked up bar.

If you're Christina Szele, or you know her, or whatever, point her in this direction. Christina, I'm hereby inviting you out to Coyote Ugly's for a night of drunken antics. The night will be entirely on me, but I'll give you fair warning that anything that happens will be written about the next day.

And before anybody gets their brain broken over it, NO, I'm not looking to get lucky with a drunk chick. That's not how I roll (plus I'm happily taken). I just kinda want to see some train-wreck chick getting fucked up and starting the Royal Rumble on top of the bar.

Interactive Gangbangs and The First Amendment!

Right off the bat, you're better off reading the coverage of what I'm gonna talk about at They're funnier and more professional and shit than I am. So click that link, read that, laugh and come back...

Junior at FJM basically nailed this one on the head. I really only have one thing to add.

“The younger generation likes the snarky tone,” says Bissinger. “They like the gossip, they like the juice. I don’t think they really appreciate good writing and reporting, and those, to me, are precious arts. . . . It’s all some interactive gangbang.”

Interactive gangbang! Hey Buzz, I don't know if you've ever BEEN to an actual gangbang, but let me tell you, it's a pretty interactive process. I was at this one gangbang with Darryl Strawberry, Steve Howe and the cast of 'Friends' this one time in 1995. Darryl brough the cocaine and autographed Wally Backman baseballs for all of us. It was a great night and lemme tell you, there's a REASON that Jennifer Aniston's a star and it's related to the reason that the first half of her name is so similar to the word anus.

He's my summation on this topic.

There are people who are good at everything. And there are people who are bad at everything.
There are good blogs, like FJM and Deadspin. And there's this blog right here.
While FJM is the David Halberstam of snarky blogging, I'm probably closer to the Mike Lupica.
That doesn't make blogging bad or wrong or evil.

Buzz Bissinger's logic is akin to getting rid of the sport of baseball because Michael Jordan was a shitty player and saying, "Come on! He's fucking AMAZING at Basketball! THE ENTIRE SPORT OF BASEBALL IS CLEARLY THE FUCKING PROBLEM!!! BASEBALL IS FULL OF SHIT!!!"

Thursday, June 19, 2008

You'd Do It Too... Hell, I Would...

Check this shit out!!

Yup, that's a billboard for Will Smith's new movie, Hancock.

The workers decided to hang the letters from right to left. And then take a cigarette break after (for lack of a better choice of words) hanging the word that rhymes with... well... COCK!! And what's even funnier are the red letters above it... 'VUE.' So basically... it says "View Cock!"

Come on, you thought I was going to write an entire post without any kind of profanity? Who do you take me for? Bill Plaschke?! We can't all get bye on poetic sentence fragments, but just for shits and giggles, I'll take a stab at it...

There they hung.
The letters.
Silver majesty.
The K.
It was a capital K.
Bigger than the 'coc'.
The size.
It spelled.
A word.
A four-letter word.
One that's synonymous with 'rooster'.
And Bill Plaschke drooled.
Wanting to eat one.
Not a rooster.
A cock.
Like a big penis.
Because he's gay.
Buzz Bissinger.

Because what kind of blogger would I be if I didn't say his name?

Tribute to Mr. Jerry Manuel

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta! Thank God Jerry Manuel got a managerial job! And Thank God he got it close to home for me so I can laugh at the antics of this butt-fucking Finkelstein.

I really thought I was going to just bash Bill Simmons and Dusty Baker for the rest of their lives (or until they return to whatever planets they respectively come from.) But now there's Jerry.

He should cut Reyes every time he pops up a ball. Sort of an extreme version of Willie Mays Hayes doing push-ups!

Straight ball, I hit it very much!!! And for the record, no. Jesus Christ cannot hit a curveball. And that's a capital NO, just so we're clear!

Although Christ bangs hanging sliders like he's a Republican Senator and they're 12-year old Malaysian boys.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Injuries Make You an Asshole!

Jeff Passan, how I've missed thee. I shall write thee sweet prose to profess my love for your moronic ramblings!

My love for you is like a truck! Berserker!!!
Would you like some making fuck! Berserker!!!
My love for you is like a rock! Berserker!!!
Would you like to smoke some pot! Berserker!!!
My love for you is ticking clock! Berserker!!!
Would you like to suck my cock! Berserker!!!
Would you like some making fuck! Berserker!!!

Wait a second, those are the lyrics to Berserker, by Love Among Freaks. Whatever. Jeff Passan wrote this article. It's a steaming piece of shit as usual. It's about overpaid/underpaid guys in baseball. Problem is that most of the "overpaid" guys are injured. And most of the underpaid guys are on rookie contracts or arbitration-year deals.

Guys who are 'overpaid' mostly because of injuries: Nomar Garciaparra, Carl Pavano, Jason Schmidt, Mike Hampton, Denys Baez, Mark Prior (who's only making $1M this year)

I'm sure that if you dig up Jason Schmidt's 2007 Christmas list, the only thing he asked Santa to bring him was shoulder surgery! These guys are all obviously thrilled that they get to sit on the DL, constantly having doctors cut into their bodies with sharp objects. I'm sure they'd rather go through 8 hours a day of painful rehab than play baseball pain-free for 3 hours a day.

Guys who are 'underpaid' because they haven't hit free agency yet: Kevin Youkilis, Ian Kinsler, Grady Sizemore, Dan Haren, Brandon Webb.

Because Brandon Webb and Dan Haren aren't going to be making at least $15 million a year once they hit the open market. And Sizemore isn't going to find some retarded owner to give him $25 million and his own daytime TV show *cough-Ned Coletti-cough.

Oh, and while we're on the topic of poetry, here's Jeff Passan's poem to Mike Hampton!

Hamstring, elbow, Tommy John
Disabled list you’re always on
Mr. Hampton, you’re the best
Working on three years’ rest
Fucking incredible. Now I know why Jeff Passan makes his living in sports journalism, and I've only made $0.97 from Google AdSense since I started this site. Sweet fucking poems.

New Reality Show: Double-Talking with the Stars!

That was a shitty title for this post. I apologize. Lets get right to business. Jemele Hill is in trouble. To explain why, we need to go back in time. Far, far back... to a time when Don Imus cracked jokes about Women's NCAA Basketball...

“He is routinely offensive to people of color and women,” Hill wrote, “and if he needs to lose his job to understand that there is no place for that, so be it.”

Abso-fucking-lutley right! Fuck Don Imus. Fuck him in his wrinkled, rustic, brokeback cowboy hat-wearing ass! Fuck him with the nozzle of a spray-can of Kraft Easy Cheese until his orifices leak yellowish-brown discharge. The guy should have to play centerfield for daily circle jerks from the Chippendales for what he said about women of color! Fu... wait... Jemele's still here... okay, go ahead Jemele. I got carried away.

“Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. It’s like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan.”

Yeah!! Fuck the Celt... wait... what?! I just got completely lost here. Let me get this straight now.

We agree that cracking a bad joke about black female basketball players is ugly, and the dipshit who did it probably deserved to get shit-canned for it. And he did. And we did rejoiced!

But somehow, implying that Bostonians are in favor of nuclear holocaust is okay? Just in case you're not fully following these statements that Jemele made, let me break them down.

Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. - Has anybody ever said this ever? Is anyone that completely bat-shit insane? I just talked to Mel Gibson about this statement and he said that was taking the whole Jew-hating thing a little too far.

It’s like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan. - I was kind of hoping that nobody got to the blinking red button. The blinking red button meant that nukes were going to start flying. And if Gorbachev got there first, we were toast. A lot of Celtics fans would have died if Gorbachev pushed that button. So, by Jemele's estimation, not only do Celtics fans hate America, and want to see you all die a horrible death... but they're also suicidal!

How could Jemele possibly explain herself when grilled about this situation?

“In expressing my passion for the NBA and my hometown of Detroit I showed very poor judgment in the words I used.”

Ohhhhh!!! It all makes sense now!!! Jemele attacked the entire city of Boston, the entire Jewish religion, the entire United States of America and every World War II Veteran in the WORLD... because she's a fucking Pistons fan!!!!

Hey Jemele, I'm again failing to see the correlation between

Pistons Fan, and...

Biggest fucking moron in the history of ESPN (and I hope you all realize how significant it is, to be the biggest moron in the history of a media group that has employed people like: Bill Simmons, Chris Berman, Steve Phillips, John Kruk, Peter Gammons and Joe Morgan, among others.)

Jemele Hill has been suspended. She should be fired. To put it in Jemele's own words...

Her routine is offensive to WWII Veterans, Mel Gibson, Germans, Bostonians, Jews and America, and if she needs to lose her job to understand that there's no place for that, then so be it.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Blowing Cohns Update!!!!!

Some of you might remember the following from my May 27th post.

Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing! (Yup, that was Iggy Cohn's statement)

I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks. I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.

(And that was my response to the assertion that Zito would morph into Sandy Koufax because Iggy's dad called him a bum.)

So that was three weeks ago... lets find out how Zito's done under the immense pressure of trying to be responsible for making me give head to strangers.

5/29 vs. AZ - 6 IP, 6 H, 3 ER, 3 BB, 5 K's and a no decision. Not bad, a quality start, maybe he's turning it around... I'm nervous...
6/3 vs. Los Mets - 4.1 IP, 7 H, 5 ER, 5 BB, 1 K and a loss. Okay, he was allowed 1 loss. We're not out of the woods yet.
6/8 vs. The Nats - 5 IP, 7 H, 3 ER, 4 BB, 2 K's and a win. This can't happen, can it? This was a really cheap win... can he really win 14 in a row like this? That would be my luck.
6/13 vs. Oak - 5.2 IP, 6 H, 4 ER, 4 BB, 3 K's and a loss! Sort of fitting that the A's would be the team to save me from losing my oral virginity to a couple of short, pale Jewish men. Billy Beane, your crazy moneyball computer baseball simulations shall be forever welcome in my life! I'll even pretend to believe that you didn't write Moneyball!!! And I just might name my first-born child after Jack Cust. Especially if it's a girl.

So there you have it. If you're a sports journalist, and you make crazy predictions, bloggers will threaten to fly to your city and give you hummers. I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson from this... especially you, John Kruk.

Your One-Stop Shop for Entertainment?

I found this a while back and since I went MIA for a few days, I feel like I should do something new to let you guys know I'm still alive and railing at nothing in particular. This little game is called Drunken Masters... and it's pretty much Guitar Hero for Alcoholics. I thought you guys'd get a kick out of it. I certainly did for a while.

EDIT: Fuck... I wanted to just post it right here, but the layout doesn't work right, so the window's too small and you can't play the game. I could probably fix it if I were more savvy/smarter but I'm not... and that's part of why you love me. So here's a link instead.

Drunken Master

Click here to play this game

Next Stop! Dodger Blue!!!

So in case you haven't heard, Willie Randolph is no longer the Manager of the New York Mets. He lasted a while, he had some good times and alas, he's fired in the middle of the night, 3,000 miles from home, after a win.

They let this guy twist in the wind for a month and then shit-canned him in the farthest possible place from home. Seems like a pretty harsh set of circumstances for a guy who's really not to blame for how bad the Mets have been this year.

You probably realize that the Mets payroll this year is around $140 Million, but as a Yankee fan, I'll be the first person to tell you that when your team is doling out that much payroll, a LOT of it is going to guys who aren't giving you the sort of production you were getting when you signed them. And spending money's no guarantee of winning a fucking thing any more.

Delgado is a $16 Million-a-year dead body.
Moises Alou's making $7.5 Million... and he's played in 15 games.
Pedro's on the books for $11 Million.
El Duque's getting another $7 Million to be the Mets answer to Carl Pavano jokes.

People got caught up in the "collapse" or the idea that the Mets had a bad month last September. The fact of the matter is they're a poorly constructed team and it caught up to them.

Reliable hitters in the Mets Lineup: David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Ryan Church (DL)
Reliable arms in the Mets Rotation/Bullpen: Johan Santana, John Maine, Pedro Feliciano, Billy Wagner

Point is, Willie's the scapegoat because Omar Minaya failed to understand that a few of guys have overachieved for the last year or two (Oliver Perez, Jose Reyes) and a bunch more were going to decline dramatically or be hurt (Delgado, Castillo, Pedro, El Duque, Alou).

The bottom line is that the GM needs to get shit-canned along with the manager. And I think we all know that Willie's going to end up in Los Angeles, where he can resume his former job of sleeping on the bench next to Joe Torre.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Congrats! You Just Made Your Girlfriend Single!!!

I'm guessing you guys have seen this. The chick's name is Lauren Bernat, she's 25... and I most definitely want a shake with that.

The guy in the clip is Giovanny Gutierrez, and much thanks to him for showing (as of today) about 2 million people his girlfriend's ass and sexual technique. To make matters worse for this dude, he took the video and threw it up onto YouTube completely behind her back...

So on one hand, Giovanny basically made Lauren famous... but on the other hand, he completely violated her trust to do it.

Who wants to bet that I'm wrong about this... but she MIGHT take a second to thank him while she's punting him out the door. That, and she'll probably get her own reality show.

Wii Fit Hula Hoop Girl of Love on VH1? You don't think so?

You realize that this guy, and this guy got shows right? And that neither one's done anything significant in 20 years.

And they also gave shows to this girl for having lots of MySpace friends, and this girl for winning a show involving one of the guys who hasn't done anything significant in 20 years.

Lauren Bernat, we salute you and your retarded soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend.

Curt Schilling: American Badass!!!

Everybody's taking a swing at this post on Curt Schilling's 38pitches blog. I guess that means it's up to me to knock this motherfucker out of the park (kind of like the fat fastballs Schilling's been throwing for the last 3 years.) He covered a bunch of different topics and I find more than just the Kobe stuff offensive, so here goes.

Manny hits 500, wow. 500 of anything means you’re good.

500 GIDP means you're a fucking rock star dude.

Be it walks, hits, runs, anything, but 500 home runs, while it can be argued is not the milestone it once was, is still an incredible feat.

If you're so pumped about Manny reaching 500, why are you taking away from it by pointing out that it's "not the milestone it once was"? Do you always shit on your teammates achievements?

I’ve said before, when you do something in a game that is more than a century old, for the first time, or only time, you’ve truly done something.

I appreciate Manny as much as anybody, but what has he done that's never been done before? Aside from high-fiving a guy in the bleachers after a catch? Most post season home runs? Could that have something to do with him playing in 95 post-season games? (30 more than Mickey Mantle, for example)

Who isn’t blown away at the Jon Lester story?

I'm not blown away. He threw a no-hitter. You're blown away because you still look at him and see CANCER CANCER CANCER CANCER CANCER TUMOR CANCER DEATH written on his forehead. To me, he's really just another pitcher now. I look at him the way I look at everybody else.

I’d like to think I’ve helped him a bit.

Of course you have. I'm sure he looks at you the way Andy Pettitte looks at Roger Clemens.

I couldn’t play in the NBA because about 43 times last night I heard things being said that would have made me swing at someone.

Curt Schilling: Bad Mother Fucker. But seriously, remember this quote.

Paul Pierce is friggin good. What a game. Who on the Lakers can defend him?

Kobe defended him pretty well in Game 3, when he didn't have to fight the refs the whole way.

I wondered aloud, a few times, how in the hell calls weren’t being made against the Celts on a ton of plays in the paint where there was some serious pugilism being committed.

Glad that Curt Schilling backed me up on this. Yeah Curt, I wonder why there weren't more calls against the Celtics in Boston...

From the first tip until about 4 minutes left in the game I saw and heard this guy (Kobe Bryant) bitch at his teammates.

They were playing like shit Curt, this is what some call leadership. Had they won the game, you'd be raving about how he "took charge out there and willed his team to win."

No dialog about “hey let’s go, let’s get after it” or whatever.
So you mean there was no disingenuous rah-rah bullshit? Just a fierce competitor wanting his teammates to cut down their mistakes, so they could try to win a game in the NBA Finals?

He spent the better part of 3.5 quarters pissed off and ranting at the non-execution or lack of, of his team.

So he has a temper? Well at least he didn't take a swing at a guy 43 different times for trash talking... like you would. Remember saying that Curt? That you'd take a swing at somebody? 43 times a game? Yes, I'm taking you literally. Kobe didn't bitchsmack Luke Walton for missing a rebound. So what's the problem. Again, if they had won the game you'd be gushing about his leadership. They lost, so he's an asshole.

So who do we think would win in a fight between DJ Mbenga and Curt Schilling? I've got $20 on Mbenga.

P.S. - Hey DJ, this is the second time I've mentioned you in my blog. And this time I didn't even imply that Kobe Bryant touched your no-no spot! You should thank me. You should autograph something and mail it to me. Better yet, get Kobe to autograph something for me... you know, after he sticks his fingers up your bum in the shower.

Thanks to Jane Silva for the tip on this article.