So Sue Me!?

This is the kind of story that makes me think that women and sports just don't go together quite as well as we'd all hoped they would.

Yup, Kaitlin Dauner is suing her school, Indian Hills, for an injury she sustained while playing for their girls basketball team.

The team played an informal scrimmage against the boys, and poor Kaitlin suffered a separated shoulder when the game became "excessively physical." She blames this on the school's failure to provide "adequate supervision, referees or athletic trainers" for the scrimmage.

So what she's saying is that every time you get banged up playing a little bit of street ball, you should file a suit against your buddies for pain and suffering. Because that's what this amounts to.

When you think about it, you've got women competing in mixed martial arts, college and professional basketball, softball, football, hockey, boxing and just about anything else that men are willing to strap on a helmet or a jockstrap to play.

And while the obvious knock against women's sports is the lack of skill and athleticism featured by men (largely due to the fact that, at least in our era, women don't get the same level of training, and most times, don't start playing as young as the guys), the toughness of the female athlete has never been called into question quite this way before.

The irony is, that quite often, women have proven able to show the sort of sportsmanship (sportswomanship?) and reason that's often missing in the men's game. Like in this story, where Sara Tucholsky homered, then tore ligaments in her knee... and was carried around the bases by her opponents, Mallory Holtzman and Liz Wallace.

Could you ever, in a million years, imagine Roger Clemens coming off the mound, and with the help of Derek Jeter... carrying David Eckstein around the bases after a home run? And now that you've tried to imagine it, isn't it sorta funny? I'm getting off the topic.

Think about the story above. What if Sara Tucholsky would have sued, blaming the injury on the "excessively physical" nature of the sport she chose to play?

My guess is that nobody put a gun to Kaitlin Dauner's head and made her play against the boys. She chose to, because as any female athlete will probably tell you, women LOVE getting a chance to show that they can hold their own against the guys.

In closing, Kaitlin, you should drop the suit... and try to show that you're at least TRYING to be as tough as these girls. They don't look very tough there. How about here? Still not tough enough. What about now? Or this one? Yeah,. that's more like it.

Can you tell that I'm enjoying having a reason to link pictures to the Lingerie Bowl? I won't apologize for that. It's why you all love me.

The Proudest Moment of the Bush Administration

Right here. Yes, I realize this happened days ago. I find it hysterical and amazing all at once.



Look at the deft skill with which Bush dodged that first shoe. I haven't seen moves like that since Neo started to believe towards the end of the first Matrix movie. All this video needs is Rip Torn, in the wheelchair screaming, "If you can dodge an Iraqi Journalist's left shoe.... you can dodge a ball!"

Seriously though... G. Dubz looks like he's been practicing that move. You need to be quick like that when you expect to be dodging bullets.

Baseballs Off-Season: What We Know So Far and What it Means

1) Ryan Dumpster went back to the Cubs. Which probably means very little, because he's not going to win 17 games with an ERA+ of 151 again next year. I'm still stunned that he did it once.

2) C.C. Sabathia is being chased by everybody. The Yankees, Brewers, Angels, Giants, maybe the Red Sox and Mets. Which still means that he's probably going to end up a Yankee. From what I understand, the Yankees philosophy regarding Sabathia is that 6 years, $140 Million was their starting point. If Sabathia wants more, all he's got to do is ask for it.

It's very hard to imagine Sabathia, in this day and age, choosing to take $30-$40 Million dollars less to play in San Francisco. In fact, it's very hard to imagine anybody, in the history of ever, anywhere, actually WANTING to take $30 to $40 Million dollars less than they're being offered to do something, because that's a ton of money. That's Dustin Pedroia's entire new contract. Think about your salary. Then think about taking a 30 or 40% paycut... and tell me what you think of that. So yeah. He'll be a Yankee.

3) Dustin Pedroia got a new contract. Which, again, means very little. It means that he can stuff his boots with hundred dollar bills, and prop himself up a little bit. Like Tom Cruise does. And when he's done, maybe he'll stand a full five feet tall. I still think his Rookie of the Year and MVP awards are incredible fucking travesties. But whatever. He'll be in Boston for a long time.

4) People really think Derek Lowe's a good pitcher. How did this happen? Seriously? How? Did Derek Lowe hijack a fucking satellite-mounted laser beam and threaten to vaporize every kitten in America if anybody talks about the fact, that he's a slightly above average pitcher in a terrible division, and is on the wrong side of 35 years of age? What is causing people to have a Titsworth over Derek Lowe?

5) The Yankees didn't offer arbitration to Bobby Abreu or Andy Pettitte. Everybody is claiming that this is because of the poor economy and financial crunch. They're saying that the Yankees don't want to pay $16 Million each for these guys in arbitration. These people are about 33% correct.

The Yankees don't want Bobby Abreu or Andy Pettitte on their team next year. At all. Abreu's looking for 3 years, $45 Million on the free agent market. He's not going to get it. I doubt anybody's going to go beyond 2 years, with a club option 3rd for Abreu. And I'd guess the annual value will top out around $12 Million. So if your best offer is 2 years, $24 Million, what do you do? You take arbitration from the Yankees and make $16 Million for one more year. And then the Yankees are stuck with Abreu, in addition to Nady, Matsui, Damon and Swisher. There's no room for Brett Gardner or Melky Cabrera. Or Manny Ramirez. Or Adam Dunn.

And as for Pettitte, is he really worth $16 Million? He'd take arbitration in a heartbeat if it was offered. Would you rather spend that money on Andy Pettitte, or Ben Sheets? How about A.J. Burnett? Mark Teixeira? Manny Ramirez? Adam Dunn? Or Andy Pettitte? They don't want him back. They offered him a 1 year, $10 Million, take-it-or-leave-it contract. Does that sound like somebody the Yankees want?

5) Adam Dunn wasn't offered arbitration by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Which was a pretty stupid decision. Why? 40 homers and 100+ RBI every year. That's why. Despite the low batting average, Dunn gets on base and hits for a ton of power. The Yankees would love to grab him, but might have jumped at Nick Swisher a little too fast. Boston also might take a hard look, especially since they don't have to surrender draft picks. The Mets would be completely retarded not to try and sign this guy. The bottom line is... somebody is going to sign him. For a bunch of years, and a bunch of dollars. The D'Backs should have gotten some draft picks for it.

And on a completely unrelated note... why didn't anybody tell me about Tim Tebow's girlfriend? She gets a tag. In fact, she gets two tags. One for her. And one for her giant breasts. Actually, two for her giant breasts... because without them, she wouldn't be getting a tag. I'm just repeating the phrase "giant breasts" so I have an excuse to link more pictures. You're welcome.

Mike Mussina? Hall of Fame?

John Harper of the NY Daily News says no. Because of stats? Because he missed 300 wins? Nope! Because Mussina didn't have enough "moments." Whatever that means.

His overall numbers stack up well against some notable Hall of Famers, including Ferguson Jenkins, Juan Marichal, Catfish Hunter and even Bob Gibson. Actually, he has a better winning percentage (.638) than any of them, and indeed at 270-153, he would have the best percentage of any player not in the Hall.

Here's the case for Mussina. 537 starts. 270 wins, with only 153 losses. Baseballreference.com lists his "162-Game Averages" as 34 starts, 17-9, 226 innings pitched, 49 BB against 178 strikeouts, a 3.68 ERA (ERA+ 123), and a 1.192 WHIP. Over 18 years as a professional pitcher, those are very, very good numbers. And 270 wins, for a guy who never made more than 36 starts in a season, is a very impressive number.

Fergie Jenkins made 57 more starts (594) and won 14 more games (284). He also lost 71 more games, most likely because of less use and specialization in the bullpens when he pitched. He threw 267 complete games in his career. Moose threw only 57, however, that's not really Mussina's fault. The game is different.

Jenkins also didn't spend the better portion of his career pitching to guys who were injecting fucking horse steroids into their asses. And to boot, Jenkins' career ERA+? 115. Which means, Mussina, over his career, has been better in comparison to his peers, than Jenkins was to his.

Marichal won only 243 games, and his 123 ERA+ is the same as Mussina's. Yeah, he went 26-9 in 1968. He also went 6-16 in 1972. Maybe it had something to do with throwing 3 300+ inning seasons.

Catfish Hunter finished 224-166 with a 104 ERA+. Looking at his numbers right now is making me wonder who he blew to get into the Hall of Fame. Suffice to say, I'm not impressed.

And Bob Gibson, to me, is one of the 5 best pitchers in baseball history. Mussina doesn't even get to be in the room for that conversation, so I'm not going to compare him to Gibson.

So why isn't Mussina a Hall guy, John Harper?

You look at Mussina's career and it's hard to find the wow factor that usually defines the very best players of an era.

Wow factor? Hang on, let me check Baseball Prospectus. They usually have stats for those crazy acronyms. WOW? Is that a new acronym? What does it stand for?

Wait a second... there's no such stat as "WOW." What are you talking about John Harper? Oh. Fuck.

You're saying that he can't be a Hall of Famer, because, despite having statistical credibility and value over an 18 year career, he never impressed you enough? He never trotted out of the dugout in a cut up leather jacket with a crazy haircut, with WILD THING playing on the PA system? He never threw 14 shutout innings in game 7 of the World Series? He never appeared in a porno with guys named Lexington Steele and Mandingo and slapped around a 19 year old blonde with his "freakishly large certain part of the male anatomy?"

This is your hall of fame criteria?

He didn't win a Cy Young Award, finished second once, and had a few other fourths and fifths.

Because Cliff Lee won 24 games this year? And Roy Halladay threw 700 innings? I'm not sure, but I think it was 700.

And in 1999, he finished second behind Pedro Martinez, who had an ERA+ of 243!!

Point is... his lack of a Cy Young isn't because he was never a great pitcher. It's just that he was never the greatest pitcher in a league with Randy Johnson, Roger Clemens and Pedro Martinez gobbling up most of them.

And what the fuck were the voters thinking in 1992? They gave the Cy Young to Dennis Eckersley? For throwing 80 innings? Followed by Blackjack McDowell and Roger Clemens... then followed by Mussina, who went 18-5 that year, with a 2.54 ERA? The case for Clemens that year was strong too... but McDowell and Eck had no business being considered... and they got most of the votes.

He didn't win a championship, and though Mussina pitched well in some big postseason games, he never had a brilliant postseason that demanded attention in the manner of John Smoltz, Jack Morris, Curt Schilling, or even Josh Beckett or Cole Hamels.

He didn't win a championship. By himself. Nope, he went 7-8 in the post-season... with a 3.42 ERA and he struck out 145 in 139 innings.

In 1997, with Baltimore, he was 2-0 with a 1.93 ERA in the Divisional Round, carrying Baltimore over Seattle. Then, in 2 starts against Cleveland, he allowed 1 run and 4 hits, in 15 innings. Not brilliant? Or maybe you just don't remember that...

Never mind Gibson, who won 251 games in his career, or 19 fewer than Mussina, but had two Cy Youngs, one MVP, and won World Series for the Cardinals in 1964 and '67 practically singlehandedly.

So you're saying that a pitcher has to be as good as Bob Gibson to make it into the Hall of Fame? Then we ought to throw about just about every pitcher who's already there... and forget about adding new guys. Maybe Pedro. Koufax. A handful of others at best. This is a moronic argument. Bob Gibson was the Shaquille O'Neal of baseball back then.

He was so nasty, that they lowered the mound height so batters wouldn't shit down their legs when he threw his slider. Gibson was a fucking buzzsaw.

In addition, while winning 20 games this season at 39 was quite a feat, Mussina never had one or more of those incandescent seasons that stamp pitchers as bound for Cooperstown.

Umm... 18-5 with a 2.54 ERA in 1992. 16-5 with a 3.05 ERA in 24 starts in 1994 (apparently, the strike was his fault too.) 19-9 with a 3.29 ERA in 1995. 15-8 with a 3.20 ERA in 1997 (with minimal run support at best.) 17-11 in his first year in New York, in 2001... and if you remember, despite playing for the Yankees, he received about the worst run support in baseball that year.

However, Marichal set himself apart as a superstar with an eight-year run in which he posted seasons of 18-11, 25-8, 21-8, 22-13, 25-6, 14-10, 26-9, and 21-11. That pretty much defines dominance.

His starts in those years? 36, 40, 33, 37, 36, 26, 38, 37.

Give Mussina an extra 4 or 5 starts in 1992, 1995, 1996, 1999 and 2002... and he probably gives you 5 20 win seasons.

You can make the case that Mussina was more consistent over his 18 years than Tom Glavine, but Glavine has two Cy Young awards, five 20-win seasons and a world championship, in addition to 305 wins, all of which make him practically automatic.

You can make the case that Glavine made 145 more starts than Mike Mussina, and won only 35 more games. And that if Mussina hung around and pitched until his 50th birthday like Glavine, he'd probably have 330 wins or so. And that it was probably a little easier for Glavine, since he spent his career following Greg Maddux and John Smoltz in the rotation. He was a glorified fucking 3 starter who walked 1500 guys in his career. And avoided the American League like the clap.

For me the argument for Mussina in the Hall falls just short, subject to review in five years as we gain more and more perspective on the steroids era. If only he'd had a few more moments that were as remarkable as his decision to retire as a 20-game winner.

A few more moments? You mean like the time in 2001 when he came within 1 strike of a perfect game... in Boston... before Carl Everett broke it up? And the only reason they sent Everett to the plate... was because he crowded the plate, and they hoped Mussina would HIT HIM WITH THE BALL?

Or in 1995, when Mussina was on the mound and got the win in Cal Ripkin's 2,131st consecutive game played?

Or out of the bullpen in the 2003 ALCS to shut down the Red Sox?

Or in 2006, when he became the first pitcher in AL History to win 10 or more games in 15 consecutive seasons?

How about in 1998 when he retired 23 straight, before Frank Catalanotto's double in the 8th?

1997 again Cleveland, when he was perfect for 25 outs before Sandy Alomar, Jr. got to him for a single?

How about the 7 gold gloves? You like awards. They mean shit to me... but you like them.

This guy belongs in the hall. John Harper, you belong in a different hall for this terrible article.

Dustin Pedroia is Officially the New Derek Jeter!

Vastly overrated singles hitter, who, despite not being the best player on his own team, receives consideration for numerous awards and is constantly felitated by members of the media.

Who am I talking about? Which one of them? Pedroia or Jeter? You can't tell, can you.

Jeter, in any given season, was far behind Alex Rodriguez, Tino Martinez, Bernie Williams, Paul O'Neill, Mariano Rivera and numerous other Yankees in terms of value. And yet, when they're winning, he's the reason according to every major media article that's written. His grit, calm eyes and hustle are always the key components. Oh, and intangibles.

Pedroia wins an MVP with a sub-.900 OPS, 17 homers and 85 RBI. Given the way the season unfolded, a case could easily be made that Kevin Youkilis, Daisuke Matsuzaka and Jon Lester were more valuable to the Red Sox... and that's without even mentioning Papelbon.

Youkilis hit 29 homers and drove in 115. He batted .312, had a much higher OPS and hit .374 with runners in scoring position. Pedroia with RSIP? .307 with 5 homers in 200 plate appearances.

David Ortiz played a little over half a season and had more homers and RBI, in what was, by far, his worst season in Boston. Hell, Jason Bay hit 9 homers in a little over a month and a half in Boston.

And Lester won 16 with a 3.21 ERA and threw 210 innings. Honestly, without him, this years incarnation of the Red Sox would have been sitting firmly in 3rd place as the Yankees took the Wild Card.

And Matsuzaka went 18-3 with a 2.90 ERA in 29 starts. Sure, he only threw 170 innings, but he was freakishly good despite missing some time.

Yeah, it was a weak crop this year. Josh Hamilton's season totals look good... I mean .302 with 32 homers and 130 RBI... but he fell apart after the all-star break. Quentin got hurt, which pretty much derailed his chances.

But Jesus Christ... Joe Mauer was more deserving here. The guy hit .328/.413/.451, walked 30 times more than Pedroia, played great defense, drove in the same number of runs... and he's a CATCHER!

Tampa gets 27 homers and 85 RBI from Evan Longoria in 122 games! He transforms them from a middle-of-the-pack team to the AL East Champs... and he doesn't get some consideration? What better demonstration of value is there than seeing how average the team was without him... and how far they went with him?

Justin Morneau jacks 23 and drives in 129 with a .300/.374/.499 line and 47 doubles.

A-Rod misses a month and still hits 35 homers and has 100+ RBI.

Just for the record... when you can name 10 guys who probably deserved an award more than the guy who got it... the guy who got it probably didn't deserve it.

FJM is Calling It Quits...

So yeah, I just caught a look at this. I'm really sad to learn that FJM is going the way of Andruw Jones' bat, but it's the harsh reality that we have to deal with.

I've only said it about a thousand times already, but FireJoeMorgan was what inspired me to start writing this blog, and I'll do my best to continue posting infuriating and humorous takes on sports, and lambasting bad sports commentary as best as I can.

So thanks, FJM Crew, for the entertainment, inspiration and information. And for linking to one of my posts. That was my high moment as a blogger.

Because Boxing is Just Too Hostile These Days...

I mean, it's all about punching and bleeding and guts and stuff. That is, until Trenton Titsworth gets into the ring.

Yup, that's his real, actual name. And this is why he shall forever be immortalized in sports.



Yup, you just saw him nibbling amorously at his opponents neck... only moments before getting knocked the fuck out. From this day forth, I shall refer to any such loving acts in the world of sports as Titsworths. Or is it Titsworthes? How do you pluralize the name Titsworth?

Correct Me If I'm Wrong Here...

What do you guys see here? Obviously, I'm bias because I'm an admitted Celtics-hater, but aren't there rules in the game of basketball? And aren't some of those rules about taunting opposing players?

I'm told there are two ways of looking at this in this article, by J.E. Skeets.

1) It was disgusting. KG should have been nailed with a taunting tech immediately, maybe even tossed. Sure, he's playing mind games and getting into his opponent's head, but the officials have to draw the line somewhere — he went way over it. Classless move by the Big Ticket.

Yeah, that sounds about right to me. The broadcast guys in the clip seem to agree with this argument too. I'm of the mind that Garnett should have been T'd up for this, immediately. And if it continued beyond the technical, he should have been tossed. Classless, indeed. Although, surprisingly, that's nothing new for Garnett.

2) It was awesome. We're what, six or seven games into the season, and here are two Eastern "All-Stars" jawing at each other like it's Game 7 of the NBA Finals. KG tried to rattle young Jose, but the Spaniard refused to back down. Loved the intensity. You can sense the mutual respect between the two.

Awesome? That the officiating crew chose to selectively ignore the rules of the game of basketball to allow this to continue throughout the game? And yeah, J.E. Skeets, I can sense Garnett's respect for Calderon as he's sticking his finger in the guy's face. Whenever I really respect a guy, I clap my hands at him, and jut my finger towards his face all while talking as much smack as possible. That's actually why I'm mocking you right now, J.E. Skeets... because I respect you. I'm sure you can sense it.

I got so fired up watching these two competitors go at that I started slapping the floor like I was Garnett himself.

So that's what professional sports has come to then? We don't care about the quality of play or the closeness of the score of a game. We're not interested in feats of athleticism or brilliant execution? We get fired up over a guy talking shit and wagging his finger?

Then why isn't Terrell Owens the most beloved athlete in professional sports? How about long-time former Boston athlete, Manny Ramirez? Does he fire you up when he stands at the plate admiring his home runs? I mean, I'm sure that really pisses off the pitcher.

As a friend of mine put it, the NBA needs this type of emotion.

Let me put this as gently as I possibly can. Your friend is a fucking imbecile. The NBA needs the opposite of "this type of emotion." This type of thing is what's turning fans off to the NBA game. If this is what the game is so desperately lacking, then explain to me, why the "And 1 Mix Tape Tour" isn't the highest-rated program on TV?

What the NBA needs, is guys who play the game hard, play the game right, and don't embarrass themselves and their teams by taunting a 5'11" Spaniard for the entire third quarter.

Here's the bigger question. Why wasn't Garnett slapped with a tech for this? Or tossed?

Could it be, because he's Kevin Garnett? If this was Rasheed Wallace, do you think we'd be having this discussion? Of course not. He'd have gotten tossed immediately. I admit, that's sort of cherry-picking, because I named one of the most misbehaved athletes in the game, so lets try some other names. In fact, lets name some Celtics players.

Do you think Leon Powe, Sam Cassell, Tony Allen, Glen Davis, J.R. Giddens, Eddie House, Patrick O'Bryant, Kendrick Perkins, Gabe Pruitt, Rajon Rondo, Brian Scalabrine or Bill Walker would have gotten away with this?

Yes, that's everybody on the Celtics not named Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce or Ray Allen. So basically, isn't it almost a guaranteed fact, that the reason Garnett got a free pass for this... is because he's a star player? And the league notoriously looks the other way when star players break the rules?

This isn't about emotion or gamesmanship or getting the fans involved. It's about a very plain, very visible violation of the rules of the game. And it's about the leagues willingness to look the other way when the guy doing it is one of their "marketable star players."

Am I wrong? Drop me some comments/mail and let me know. Pornstar Names tag added, because how else can you explain "J.E. Skeets"

Political Musings? Yes We Can!

Here's the thing. I did my best not to hurl my political views at you guys during the election season. And there were a few reasons for this.

1) It's not really what I'm here for. I'm here to try to make you laugh by likening the NL West to a bunch of guys swinging Screech Dildos, not to attempt to influence your voting habits.
2) I wasn't exactly thrilled with the choices in this election, again.
3) I'm not exactly a credible, authoritative source on the topic of politics.

Now that the election is over though, I'll fill you guys in on something. My guy lost. Yup, I was a McCain supporter. I won't get into why, as again, that's not what I'm here for. So, why the big lead-in? And why the sudden decision to touch politics?

Sarah is forcing my hand. She's shooting off her mouth about, who else, BLOGGERS!!!! So, how will the failed vice presidential hopeful go about bashing the haphazard interactive gangbang known as the blogosphere? What carefully crafted digs will she take at it? How will this "educated, intelligent woman" go about making her point? Keep in mind, she just ran, unsuccessfully, for the second highest office in the nation.

A few days after she called McCain campaign staffers "cowards" for criticizing her anonymously, Palin dismissed some of her critics on the other side as "bloggers in their parents' basement just talking garbage."

Booyah!! In their parents' basement just talking garbage!!! GOTCHA FUCKERS!!!! Jesus Hfucking Christ!!! Such innovation, such craft!! It's as though she's able to see right through us all!!! I give up. I can no longer blog. Blogging is dead. Upon it's headstone, the words...

In Their Parents' Basement Just Talking Garbage. - Sarah Palin

You know, while I was sitting in my mom's basement, just talking garbage on the internet the other day, I learned something new. Wanna know what it is?

Africa is actually a continent!! It's not just a group of states all mushed together to the south of Europe!! It's a continent!! LIKE AUSTRALIA!!! Did you know that Sarah Palin? What? You didn't? Well, I guess that's okay... I mean, those crazy scientists are changing their minds about what makes something a continent all the time, right?

Wait, what? They're not? Africa's been a continent FOREVER?! And everybody learns about the 7 continents in grade school? Well, shucks Sarah! I guess you should have known that then, huh?

Know what else I learned on Al Gore's Internets (TM) the other day? That the Vice President, doesn't, in fact "run the Senate" and can't "really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes." You told me that the Vice President does those things.

But everybody else says that the Vice President can really only cast the tie-breaking vote for the Senate. And since the Senate never "ties," that's basically one of the most scarcely used powers in American Government.

So wait a second. You were running for Vice President... and you didn't even know what the Vice President is Constitutionally allowed and/or required to do?

That reminds me of the time that I applied for a job as the Head Nurse at a hospital... because I thought that my job would be to get head from all the nurses! They actually called me in for an interview, and wouldn't you believe it? They started asking me all these lame medical questions and told me that I'd probably have to give sponge baths to old men. Can you believe that shit?!

I was all like, look dude, I'm just here to get blown by chicks in nurse costumes while swigging from my trusty flask of gin. You know, because nothing is more sophisticated than a flask of gin. Except for a top hat. But whatever. They called security. And it went on my permanent record.

But back to the topic at hand. Sarah Palin. Hating bloggers.

Here's the really funny thing Sarah. This is a relatively small blog. It's only been written for a little over 3 months. And in those three months, this relatively small, obscure sports-themed blog has received 54,000 views. So using some simple mathematics, we can deduce, that over a full year, at a consistent rate of viewership, this small, obscure blog will receive 216,000 views.

The high point of your political career came in 2006, when you beat Tony Knowles to win your job as the Governor of Alaska. And in that election, you received a grand total of 114,697 votes.

Again, using simple mathematics, we can learn that my small, obscure, irrelevant blog, which is written from my parents' basement... will receive 101,303 more views in a year... than you received votes to be governor. Let me break it down further, just in case you're missing my point.

My readership is bigger than the electorate of your entire fucking state, you beauty pageant bimbo. And nobody had to buy me a $150,000 wardrobe.

Moreso, you are the single greatest reason that John McCain lost this fucking election. You are a complete imbecile who lacks the most basic understanding of grade school curriculum, no less American Government.

And you seriously believe that the Republican Party is going to let you run on your own ticket in 2012? Who do you think you are? Hillary Clinton? Why don't you try spending a little more time raising your skanky trailer trash family, and a little less time swilling brewskis with Joe Sixpack and pretending to posses a fully functioning brain. You're not fooling anybody.

Your candidacy in this election was a scam. It was an attempt to lure women and disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters over to the Republican ticket. And it might even have worked, if you could have just kept your stupid fucking mouth shut and looked pretty.

Instead, you talked... and talked... and talked... and looked mavericky... and talked... and got made fun of by Tina Fey... and talked... and talked... and looked mavericky... and talked... and exposed your completely empty cranium on the world stage. You're Dan Quayle with tits.

Things Sarah Palin Can Look Forward To:

1) Being Governor of Alaska.
2) The Cover of Playboy.
3) Being a great Grandmother by age 50 when her trailer trash daughter's trailer trash daughter gets knocked up at age 12.

Things Sarah Palin Should Not Hold Her Breath Waiting for:

1) The Start of her Campaign for President of the United States of America.

I'm Mister Six, and I approve this message.

Hot Topic: Things the New York Yankees Should Not Do This Off-Season...

The New York Daily News' sports cover today involved the New York Yankees and two pitchers: Jake Peavy and Carl Pavano.

The early word is that Brian Cashman is interested in cutting a deal to bring Pavano back around for another couple of years. That seemed like a really stupid idea, until I realized the following:

a) Pavano would probably only be re-signed to a bargain basement type of deal.
b) There's no way Cashman's dumb enough to actually rely on the guy. He'd sit on his ass in AAA and wait for a call as a spot starter.

So I guess, why the hell not, right? Sure, bring Carl back for another year!! But that got me thinking... what kind of things should the Yankees avoid doing at all costs? So I'm going to make a list.

1) Do not sign A.J. Burnett.

He's going to opt out. He's going to be looking for $16-18 Million per, for about 4 or 5 years. And in his 10 year career, he's made 30+ starts a grand total of twice. People are turned on by Burnett's 18 wins in 2008... but those people seem to be overlooking a couple of key numbers. Burnett's 105 ERA+ indicates that he was really only slightly better than league average... and his 1.342 WHIP is downright scary. To put this lightly, 18 wins from Burnett last year was fluky and will not be repeated any time soon. Just to be clear, we all realize that Burnett walked 86 guys last year, right? That's Oliver Perez/Barry Zito-type wildness. If that number jumps any higher, Burnett will earn the right to use the surname "Zambrano."

Still, the Yankees might go there, especially because of their long-standing tendency for going after guys who own them. In 11 career starts against the Yankees, Burnett's thrown 77 innings of 2.43 ERA baseball. To you and I, this is fluky, small sample size-type stuff that doesn't mean very much.

To a couple of kids who were raised by George Steinbrenner, I fear it could mean much more. I guess if they grab Burnett and re-sign Pavano, those dudes can chill together on the DL.

2) Do not re-sign Bobby Abreu.

What?! Doesn't that go against everything Mister Six usually digs? Guys with high OBPs? Patient hitters who take a ton of pitches? Busty Japanese girls dressed up as vampire schoolgirls for Halloween (no, I couldn't find a picture, but this will do)?

Yes, it does go against my usual beliefs, but here's why. Abreu is declining. He was solid last year, but not amazing. His BB have dropped a couple of years in a row. He's not getting any better. And there's really no room for him in my plans. I'd much rather see Nady in RF, and either Manny Ramirez or Adam Dunn in Left Field.

Manny's a freak of nature, pure and simple. I went into this yesterday.

And the case for Adam Dunn seems to be a series of sixes. He's six years younger than Abreu. He's drawn 100+ walks for 6 straight years. And he's hit 40+ homers and driven in 100+ runs in 6 straight years. Sure, Adam Dunn strikes out a lot... but because he strikes out a lot, he's hit into 14 double plays in the last 2 years combined. Abreu rolled in 14 last year alone, and 25 for the last 2 years. So in a twisted sort of way, it evens out.

3) Don't get any bright ideas about guys like Casey Blake.

Brian Cashman's usually good about this sort of thing. He doesn't usually fall into the "grit/hustle/heart" trap that lures lesser GMs to sign guys like David Eckstein, Eric Byrnes and Darren Erstad to inflated contracts despite statistical evidence that states that they're not very good at baseball, and probably won't stay healthy. Cashman's not usually the kind of guy who's out there looking to sign the next Scott Brosius.

Scottie, if you happen to browse over this, I'm not attacking you. Well... now that I look at the numbers, I guess I'm kinda going to attack you. After 1998, you weren't very good. And speaking of 1998... how did you get caught stealing 8 times in 19 attempts? That's terrible!! What idiot kept giving you the green light? You were a lot of things... but fleet of foot, you were not. Maybe somebody'll bring that up during Joe Torre's Bestest Manager in the World Induction Ceremony. "Hung Brosius out to dry 8 times in 1998. Pioneered Ozzie Guillen's Smartball Technique, where a team scores runs by getting slow-footed runners caught stealing."

Back to Casey Blake. How do I put this lightly? Casey Blake sucks at baseball. He didn't make it as a full-time guy until he was 29. Over a full season, he's going to hit about 20 homers, he's going to walk about 11 times, strike out about 120 times, and get on base about 10% less than Mark Teixeira. People are talking about Blake as a first baseman. He's played 105 out of 950 career games there. Adam Dunn has seen more games at first base than Casey Blake... and hits twice as many homers. And gets on base more. And has a cool nickname. Big Donkey. The Big Donkey vs. The Big Father, David Ortiz (sorry, I don't speak Spanish.)

4) Don't sign Derek Lowe.

I talked about this already. So I'll try to summarize.
Lowe is 35.
He pitches in the worst hitting division in baseball.
He's coming off the second-best season of his career.
And his best year since he won 21 in Boston in 2002.
And he's 35.
And pitches in the NL West.
Where instead of bats, people swing replica Dustin Diamond sex-toys.

5) Don't deal Robinson Cano or Phil Hughes.

Hughes was the top-rated pitching prospect in the country. For a while. That kind of potential doesn't fizzle out because of some minor, naggy-type injuries. Johan Santana didn't start dominating until he was 25. Josh Beckett dealt with naggy-type injuries until about the same time. Sabathia really showed what he was about at 26.

Phil Hughes is going to be 23. It's too early to give up on him. Period.

Robinson Cano is 25. He's a career .303/.335/.468 hitter. He has developing power. He struggled last year, which means one of two things. Either... he's a fluke who will never produce again.... or he had a bad year after signing a big contract extension. We should examine that over the next year, and make a determination regarding which it is.

My guess is, Cano bounces back, bats .300/.350/.500 with 40+ doubles, 20+ homers, and 90+ RBIs. The question is... would you rather him do that in New York or San Diego?

If the Padres really want to deal Jake Peavy, offer them an all-you-can-eat-buffet of second-tier prospects. Brett Gardner, Melky Cabrera, Alan Horne, Darrel Rasner, Dellin Betances, Andrew Brackman, Humberto Sanchez, anybody named Duncan, Juan Miranda... Ian Kennedy?

No Hughes. No Cano. No Jesus Montero. No Chamberlain. And no Austin Jackson.

Peavy's coming from the NL West (See: Derek Lowe), so in the AL East, there's a pretty good chance that his ERA's going to bump up by about a run and a half... and if it does, do we really want to watch Phil Hughes winning 20 games a year pitching in the AAAA NL West?

My Morals are Dying As I Write This...

I'm just going to go ahead and glob a few thoughts together here. All of them feel wrong in my heart, and yet seem terribly obvious to my brain. I never, in a million years, imagined I'd say any of these things... so rather than just spitting out one of them... I'm going to put them all out in the open.

1) The Yankees should sign Manny Ramirez.

Why? Because he'd be incredible in New York. He'd get 19 games a year to remind the Red Sox what a horrible mistake they made by letting him leave, and if his performance in Los Angeles is any indication of what he's capable of when happy and motivated to stick it to the Red Sox, he'd probably win the Triple Crown in his first season in New York. Is he a giant boogie man? Yes, he is, but in case you hadn't noticed, Alex Rodriguez is sorta turning into a boogie man... so maybe Man-Ram would even succeed in taking some pressure off of Fragile-Rod's delicate psyche, especially in these trying times during which A-Rod has to learn the principles of Kabbalah while retaining his home-run swing.

2) The NFL was too hard on Adam (Don't Call me Pacman) Jones.

Did I say something about this before? Yeah. Did anybody ever bother to consider that the guy might have a drinking problem? And that the vast majority of his problems might have been occurring while he was intoxicated? Doesn't the NFL have some degree of obligation to look out for this guy's well-being, rather than just labeling him as a bad guy, and looking for ways to throw him out of the league? And here's the bigger question... if Adam Jones was a white guy, do you think Roger Goodell would still have this giant, obvious boner for trying to throw him out of the league? What if he was a white Quarterback, instead of a black Cornerback? Still?

More the case, Jones got into a scrap with a bodyguard. The bodyguard was an employee of the Dallas Cowboys, assigned to look after Jones. So at worst, isn't this a team matter? And shouldn't the Dallas Cowboys be entirely in charge of how it's resolved? Yes, there was an altercation, and yes, police were called. Was an arrest made? Nope. And aren't people in this country supposed to be "innocent until proven guilty"?

By that logic, isn't it then impossible for Jones to have been guilty of anything, if he was not arrested and charges were not filed?

3) Stephon Marbury needs to play for the Knicks, like, immediately.

Benching him for the first game was stupid. Moving him to the inactive list was moronic and inexcusable. And keeping him there... probably makes the baby Jesus cry. I'm not even exaggerating.

I understand that Mike D'Antoni's logic is, that since Marbury won't be here beyond this year, the minutes are better spent "developing" players who will be here. There's a problem with that logic though...

The guys who are playing instead of Marbury aren't going to develop into anything special. Anthony Roberson is an undrafted free agent who got a 2-year contract for playing well in the summer league. And Mardy Collins is a late first rounder with almost zero potential. And Chris Duhon is garbage, pure and simple, garbage. None of these guys have the jumpshot to be productive in D'Antoni's offense, regardless.

Marbury, on the other hand, has played the part of "good soldier" the whole way. He's said all the right things. And on top of that, he came to camp in terrific shape, worked his ass off in the pre-season, and showed the ability to grasp the offense to some degree. He's done everything he possibly can to distance himself from the last couple of years.

Show me one team, in the history of the NBA, that's won games while it's best player was a healthy scratch. In fact, show me one team in professional sports history, that's ever deactivated their best player and improved as a result. That's what the Knicks are doing.

They claim to want to trade Marbury. And how, exactly, are you going to trade a guy who's not playing? If Marbury were to see 10 minutes a game, and he played well, looked rejuvenated, had his old quickness back, along with that relentless drive... wouldn't his value increase? Wouldn't it become easier to move his $22 Million expiring contract? Couldn't you even, perhaps, bring back something of value for him?

These three points go against everything I feel like I should know about professional sports by now, but they seem to need to be said.

On a Personal Note...

Yesterday I proposed to my girlfriend.  And she said yes.  So we're quite well on the way to making her Mrs. Six.  Just figured I'd share that with you all.

Especially you, Sal Sessa.  I know you're still popping in occasionally.

I'll get back to bitterly bashing bad journalism as soon as possible.

Manny the Bastard! More Amazing Spin!!

Yup, right here. Bob Lobel of OT Boston (who?) thinks that Manny should be banned from the game for his "re-enactment of the 1919 Black Sox Scandal."

So yes, basically more sour grapes coming out of Boston. And yes, that makes this post blog-on-blog crime. And I'm not sorry.

Remember the eight players from the 1919 Black Sox who threw the World Series for money? Perhaps one of the original Black Sox came back as Manny. "Shoeless Joe," back as "Clueless Manny." Black Sox outfielder Oscar Felsch, known as "Happy," back as "Dopey."

No, I don't remember the eight players from the 1919 Black Sox. How old are you?

And secondly, who paid Manny to throw games? You want to ban the guy from baseball for "not hustling"? Okay... then I guess we should strip the Red Sox of the 2004 and 2007 World Series titles... since one of the keys to them winning those series, was a player who cheated and violated the rules and all this and that, and should be banned, right? No? You don't want to give back those titles? Then shut the fuck up.

Shoeless Joe as Clueless Manny? Nah. More like apples to oranges. Nobody paid Manny to do this. It wasn't organized by the mob. And moreso, the Sox didn't have to trade him. Despite all the press, they could have kept him, continued to endure his antics... and come post-season time, with another title in sight, he'd have done exactly what he did in Los Angeles.... for Boston.

It was dissatisfaction with $15,000 back in 1919 and displeasure with $20 million to $40 million in 2008.

It was dissatisfaction with $15,000... and the fact that the fucking mob was involved. Supplying money. Paying these guys a lot of money to throw the games, so they could turn a profit.

Manny's "displeasure with $20 to $40 million in 2008" isn't why he did this. He was being disrespected by that organization in every way. For years. He's watched "Boston Heroes" like Pedro Martinez, Keith Foulke, Derek Lowe, Mark Bellhorn, Bill Mueller, Nomar Garciaparra, Johnny Damon, Trot Nixon, Kevin Millar and Bronson Arroyo get lowballed, cut and traded over the last few years, in favor of whatever "newer better model" Theo wanted to build upon.

He knew he was going to get a shittty lowball offer, or hung out to dry in some other unceremonious way, and he was going to be left to pick up the pieces in the off-season, so he did what people do in professional sports. He looked out for #1.

The word out of Boston for the last 3 or 4 years, has been that Manny's not happy. Manny wants to be traded. Manny hates playing in Boston. And yet, year after year, Manny put up numbers, made that team competitive, and knocked the cover off the ball in the post-season.

Now he's gone, and Boston's on their way out the door. So cry me a fucking river.

Their strategy: Play less -- for more pay. And, 89 years later, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Manny's strategy wasn't "Play less -- for more pay." His strategy was "get the fuck out of Boston, and go somewhere where they appreciate me, and then play more!"

Lets make this clear. Manny's probably going to get some sucker to shell out 7 years, at $20 Million per, because of what he did in August and September in Los Angeles. Manny could have stayed in Boston, batted .400 with 20 homers and 50 RBI for the last 50 games, batted .550 in the playoffs... and gotten the same money.

He didn't NEED a trade to boost his value by going batshit insane for 2 months. He wanted out of Boston, because the organization didn't appreciate him, and didn't treat him with respect.

Fast-forward to a new super Hall of Fame ballot before the Baseball Writers of America. (By the way, and it's not only my observation, I believe the electors would have trouble passing over the famous Hall of Fame character clause.) Here is the super ballot of villains before us today:
Pete Rose
Barry Bonds
Roger Clemens
Manny Ramirez

So... let me get this straight.
Pete Rose bet on baseball games... but that's cool.
And Barry Bonds broke US Law, by taking an illegal substance. And then broke US Law by lying about it. And broke US Laws by not paying his taxes. And that's cool too.
And Roger Clemens did all the stuff that Barry Bonds did. Plus he lied to Congress about it. And none off these are problems...

But Manny Ramirez... didn't hustle. And orchestrated his way out of Boston. And it hurt the Boston Red Sox. And that's the guy you want to go after? Do you even pretend to have a neutral, non-homer opinion?

By your logic, Carlos Delgado should also be thrown out of the game for what he did in New York this year.

He played like complete shit under Willie Randolph. He didn't hit, he didn't hustle, he did nothing. And as soon as Randolph got fired... Delgado caught fire! That means that he didn't hustle for Randolph, and therefore, he should be banned for life.

Do you know how many other examples of this I can give you?

In 2004, Adrian Beltre hit 48 homers and batted .334/.388/.629 for the Dodgers, with 121 RBI and 32 doubles.

The Seattle Mariners rewarded him with a big, fat contract. And since then, he's never hit close to .300, and his home run totals are 19, 25, 26 and 25.

So basically, Adrian Beltre played really hard during his walk-year... in order to get a big fat contract... and then he never hustled again. Should we also ban him? And everybody else who has a career-year during a contract year... then reverts to being shitty?

Where do we draw the line? Wait... let me answer that.

We only punish guys who screw over the Boston Red Sox... right Bob?

This entire article is a bad analogy, so that tag's been added. Thanks to Jane for the tip.

Heyyyy... Do You Remember This?

And speaking of Batman... do you remember this?

I'm pondering this new Adam Jones suspension... cuz actually, I might be flip-flopping to say that the league is now picking on the guy... gonna sleep on it. Yeah.

Joe Torre!! JOE TORRE!! Give Me a Fucking Break!

Can everybody please stop fellatiating Joe Torre, for chrissake?! It's seriously starting to piss me off. In the last two weeks, I've read more glowing reviews of his work in Los Angeles than I read in 5 years in New York, when he got his hands on 4 rings with the Yankees.

The Dodgers aren't winning because of Joe Torre. They're winning in spite of him. Lets run down a list of factors in this.

1) Manny Ramirez played 53 games in Los Angeles. He batted .396/.489/.743 with 17 homers and 53 RBI in that time. He was worth a run a fucking game!!! Pre-Manny, the Dodgers were a .500 team. With Manny, they were STILL only 6 games over .500... which brings us to #2.

2) They play in the NL West. This is, by far, the worst division in baseball. Everybody sucks. Look at how many games the San Francisco Giants won this year. Now name 3 good baseball players on that roster. I dare you. You can't do it! That division is awful. The Baltimore Orioles could have won that division. The Kansas City Royals could have won that division. The Toronto Blue Jays would have won 100+ games if they played half their games in that division.

3) Look at the at bats that Andruw Jones, Nomar Garciaparra and Juan Pierre took this year. And consider that you could have gotten better production from a kid at Triple A... because Joe Torre notoriously sucks up to veterans at the cost of younger, more talented players.

Facts being facts, if the Dodgers were in any other division in baseball they wouldn't be in the playoffs. In fact, the AL West is the only division where they'd even rank as high as second!!

Here's the Dodger's placement, based on their record, by division.

AL East - 5th Place, 13 games back of 1st Place, Tampa Bay.
AL Central - 3rd Place, 5 games back of 1st Place, Chicago.
AL West - 2nd Place, 16 games back of 1st Place, Los Angels of Anaheim via Kentucky University of Georgia.

NL East - 4th Place, 8 games back of 1st Place, Philadelphia.
NL Central - 5th Place, 13 games back of 1st Place, Choke-ago Curses.

Here's a list of teams that missed the playoffs with a better record than the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Record GB Team
89-73 - New York Mets
89-73 - New York Yankees
88-75 1.5 Minnesota Twins
86-75 2.5 Houston Astros
86-76 3.0 St. Louis Cardinals
86-76 3.0 Toronto Blue Jays
84-77 4.5 Florida Marlins
84-78 5.0 Los Angeles Joe Torres

So I guess what we're really dealing with is this simple fact.

When Joe Torre is your coach, your team gets to choose which division it plays in.

Something for Met Fans to Cheer About!

A Mets player has finally executed a successful Hit-and-Run!!

Congrats to Ambiorix Burgos on this landmark accomplishment. And we hope to see him when he gets out of the clink in 20 or 30 years with good behavior.

And I thought Brian Bannister had a down year.

Fixing The Mets & Yankees! With Grit and Hustle!!!

Apparently the hot topic after both New York baseball teams failed to make the playoffs, is how to fix their rosters. I know it's the hot topic, because yesterday, I found like 600 articles about it. I really think the heads of sports in New York told all their writers on Tuesday to write something about this. And I don't think the journalists were cool with the idea, because none of them seemed to put even a slight bit of thought into the process. Here are the three we're going to deal with... all at once... because they're all stupid, and all similar:

Daily News's Bill Madden on the Yankees
Daily News's John Harper on the Mets
Newsday's Ken Davidoff on Both!!

We'll start with Bill Madden, who's usually a pretty smart guy, but very clearly lays an egg this time out.

Madden suggests the following:

Trade Robinson Cano and Phil Hughes to Colorado for Matt Holliday.
Sign Orlando Hudson to replace Cano at Second Base.
Don't sign Mark Teixeira.
Play Jorge Posada at First Base.
Sign Greg Zaun to back up Jose Molina at catcher.
Trade for David DeJesus (from Kansas City), specifically because he batted .419 with runners in scoring position this year.
Dump Bobby Abreu, trade Hideki Matsui, and DH Johnny Damon.
Avoid CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett.
Sign Derek Lowe, "who, at 35, has suddenly taken on the look of an ace."
Sign Oliver Perez to "crazy money for (a) middle-of-the-rotation starter."

Robinson Cano is going to be 26 next year. He's a career .303/.335/.468 hitter at second base, and has decent, developing power. Defensively, he's better than adequate, and his games totals for the last 2 years are 159 and 160, so he's pretty durable.

Phil Hughes is going to be 23 next year, and was considered to be the best pitching prospect in baseball a couple of years ago. He got hurt last year, and hurt again this year. When he came back from his injury, he looked good. It seems a bit early to give up on the kid to me.

In return for this, you're going to get Matt Holliday. He's sick good... at Coors field (.357/.423/.645 at Coors for his career). However... on the road he turns into Hideki Matsui. Yup, on the road, Holliday is .280/.348/.455 for his career. So if Holliday comes to the Yankees, how many games per year is he going to play at Coors Field? Probably none... so is this really a good idea? I don't fucking think so Bill Madden. Did you bother to look at Holliday's home/away splits? No, you didn't.

Orlando Hudson is going to look for somebody to overpay him. He's a great defensive second baseman, but a pretty average hitter(.282/.346/.433, OPS+ 99). He's a downgrade from Cano (career OPS+ 110). And in 6 full seasons, he's played 142, 135, 131, 157, 139, and 107 games. So with one exception, he misses at least 20 games a year, every year. And he's going to be 31. I'm going to say no to Orlando Hudson. This is a stupid idea.

Mark Teixeira hit .308/.410/.552 this year, with 33 homers and 41 doubles. He's sick fucking good no matter where he plays. And he's a good first baseman. And you don't want him why?

Instead, you want Posada... who's played 130 innings of First Base in his 14-year career? And you want to replace his offensive production behind the plate with Jose Molina (career OPS+ 62) and Greg Zaun (career OPS+ 90)? Isn't the fact that the Yankees got NOTHING offensively from the Catcher position part of what doomed them this year? You want to do that... AGAIN?

I like David DeJesus. He's a Bronx guy. He's also appeared in 96, 122, 119, 157 and 135 games in his career. He doesn't stay on the field. And he's pretty much an average hitter. Melky Cabrera can probably give you the production that DeJesus will. Unless you believe that DeJesus is going to hit .419 with RSIP every year... in which case, you're a moron and I can't help you. And also, statistics now hate you for manipulating them in this horrible way. I hope you're happy.

Derek Lowe did not look like "an ace" this year. He went 14-11 with a 3.24 ERA and a 1.133 WHIP. He had a 136 ERA+, which is good... until you consider that he pitches for the Dodgers, in the NL West. The NL West is the worst division in baseball, and more specifically, the worst HITTING division in baseball. You want to move him over to the BEST hitting division in baseball? And you expect him to duplicate these results? Oh... and he's going to be 36... and looking for a 3-year contract? How good do you expect him to be at 39?

Oliver Perez was 10-7 this year with a 4.22 ERA and a 1.402 WHIP. In the NL East, those numbers are pretty god-awful. Yes, he has potential and a live arm. We've always known that. He also walked a career-high 105 guys this year. ONE. HUNDRED. AND. FIVE. WALKS. No thanks.

Next up, John Harper on the Mets (Don't worry, it gets easier):

Be open to trading David Wright or Jose Reyes.
Don't pick up Delgado's Option.
Play Daniel Murphy at First Base.
Dump Luis Castillo.
Sign Orlando Hudson.
Sign Raul Ibanez.
Dump Pedro and Oliver Perez.
Sign Derek Lowe.
Trade for JJ Putz (from Seattle).

Trading David Wright or Jose Reyes would be the dumbest imaginable thing the Mets could do. They'll never get equal value for either of their young, cheap superkids. And why make a trade if it doesn't improve your team in ANY WAY?

Carlos Delgado sucked for 4 months. And then he turned into Barry Bonds circa 2002 for 2 months. You want to let him walk? You don't think they should pick up the option, and then look to trade him, the way the Yankees did with Gary Sheffield? That way they can get something in return for him?

Daniel Murphy at First Base.... hmm....why could this possibly be a bad idea? Maybe because the entirity of his major league experience consists of 130 at bats in August and September? You really want to entrust one of the cornerstones of your offense to a 23-year old who's cup of coffee impressed you? Good luck with that.

You're dumping Luis Castillo because he's expensive, injury-proned and he can't hit, which caused the fans to hate him. And you're paying his salary so a team will take him. And then you want to sign Orlando Hudson... who's going to be expensive... and is injury-proned... and who doesn't hit that much either? So let me get this straight... you're dumping 2008 Luis Castillo... and signing 2009 Luis Castillo?

Raul Ibanez is 37. Didn't the Mets start 2007 and 2008 with Moises Alou? Because he's old... but he's a great hitter when he's healthy? Was he ever healthy? Yeah, Ibanez is a solid hitter, and I'm sure he's a wonderful guy. If you're the Mets... and you fielded the oldest team in baseball in 2008, shouldn't you be trying to get a little younger?

Derek Lowe: See Above. What's with these people and Derek Lowe?

JJ Putz rocks. He's a good relief pitcher/closer. I like him. Who do the Mets give up, to get him? He's cheap and good, and I'm guessing the Mariners will get better offers than "Fernando Martinez."

Last up, Ken Davidoff (again, most of his suggestions are the same):

Mets
Sign Francisco Rodriguez and Darren Oliver.
Dump Ayala, Heilman, Sanchez and Schoeneweis.
Dump Castillo. Give Second Base to Daniel Murphy.
Dump Pedro.
Don't sign Manny Ramirez. Get Juan Rivera and Fernando Tatis instead.
Don't sign Damaso Marte or trade for Huston Street.
Look for more guys like Brian Stokes.
Sign Wes Helms, because he hit a homer in the last game.
Sign Oliver Perez, Jon Garland or Derek Lowe.

Yankees
Get Derek Lowe for $15M a year.
Guilt Pettitte into returning for $10M.
Melky, Damon and Brett Gardner share Centerfield in 2009.
Keep Cano, unless you can trade him for Matt Cain or Jake Peavy.
Don't sign CC Sabathia or AJ Burnett.
Don't re-sign Giambi.
Sign Casey Blake to play First Base.

You want to pay $20 Million a year for Francisco Rodriguez? While you're still paying $10+ Million for Billy Wagner? So you're going to spend $30 Million on the 9th inning? That's fucking madness. Do I need to explain why?

Darren Oliver is 38. That's scary-old to sign a pitcher. And he's a lefty specialist. The Mets already have a lefty specialist named Pedro Feliciano, who's 6 years younger and better against Lefties. The manager just needs to understand that Feliciano shouldn't pitch to righties. Ever.

Castillo -> David Murphy: See above.

Manny: .332/.430/.601, 36 2B, 37 HR.
Juan Rivera: .246/.282/.438, 13 2B, 12 HR.
Fernando Tatis: Old. Flukey.

Huston Street: Closer, 24 years old, career ERA+ 148.
Brian Stokes: 28 years old, career ERA+ 78, released by Tampa Bay.

Wes Helms: .243/.299/.347 (OPS+ 72). But go ahead and sign him because he knocked you out of the playoffs. Maybe in 2009 you can miss the playoffs because of the hits he DOESN'T get.

Perez/Lowe: See above.
Jon Garland: 90 strikeouts this year. 98 strikeouts last year. Career ERA+ 103. Although I'd probably take him over Lowe or Perez.

And now for the Yankees:

Lowe: See above again. These guys fucking love Derek Lowe.

Andy Pettitte sucked balls this year. And he knows it. You wouldn't have to "guilt him" into taking $10 Million dollars to pitch next season. He'd probably suck Hank Steinbrenner's cock for that contract offer right now.

Johnny Damon breaks down in CF. Melky was awful. And Gardner can't hit. And that's your plan? That seems sound enough.

So you're going to keep Robinson Cano unless someone offers you Jake Peavy or Matt Cain for him? In other words... you're going to keep Robinson Cano. Good, I agree with you. But for the record, nobody would ever be drunk or stupid enough to offer Peavy or Cain for him.

AJ Burnett's won/lost record this year is going to land him a big contract. And it shouldn't, because he wasn't that great, truth be told. I agree that the Yankees should stay away from him. But why in the blue FUCK shouldn't they go after CC Sabathia? Did you watch any baseball games this year? Or last year? How about in 2006? Did you watch baseball then? Have you ever actually watched a baseball game, dude? Yeah, he's thrown a ton of innings. Yeah, he might break down. After passing on Santana for the same reasons, the Yankees CAN FUCKING NOT afford to let Sabathia get away. It's not about trading talent this time. It's just money. The Yankees can afford the salary whether Sabathia gets hurt or not. This is a no-brainer for anyone who isn't on the payroll of Derek Lowe.

Casey Blake at First Base? You do realize that Giambi spends more time on the basepaths than Casey Blake, right? And he hits more home runs? And defensively, it's probably a wash, since Blake's only played 105 games at First Base in his career? I'll say this again... how about if the Yankees go after Mark Teixeira... who's good defensively, and hits more than Casey Blake and Jason Giambi combined?

I'm going to sleep. Yes, it's 12:41 in the afternoon. But I'm exhausted now. Later.

Quick Note on Cedric Benson...

Didn't get a chance to write about this yesterday. Cedric Benson got picked up.

By.... THE BENGALS!!! Yes indeed!! If you had the Bengals in the pool, you've won a nice prize!! I mean, this really came down to the Bengals and the Cowboys from the start, didn't it? But yeah... we finally have resolve to this situation.

On a side note, I wonder why the Bengals have so many personnel problems in their organization.

Moreso... Benson was driving to sign his new contract and was stopped for a 4-yard loss.

Even I'm Not a Big Enough Asshole to Make 9/11 Jokes...

But the guys at SeahawksHuddle.com are... Deadspin broke the story, as usual.

Hat tip to Saih for letting me know about it, and I have to apologize, because I just don't really know what to say about this.

Okay, yeah, actually I do. Are these people complete fucking idiots? I'll be the first person to admit that being a jerkoff on purpose is a great way to get some publicity and attention... but do you really want to be the 9/11 joke site?

SeahawksHuddle.com, congratulations... because you're now the top rated Seahawks fansite in Afghanistan. That should be good for about 11 hits a month. Which is 5 times as many as most fansites for the SEAHAWKS take.. in a YEAR.

Do the Seattle Seahawks even have fans? I mean, really... those aren't cardboard cutouts in the stands during home games?

Seriously though, let me break this down for a second. On the topic of 9/11... yes, some New Yorkers have milked the sympathy a little bit. And politicians (yes I mean you, Rudy Giuliani) have totally exploited the situation. The memorials and the remembrance and shit has gone a little too far, and it does get annoying. The way the media covers 9/11, it's almost like suffering through it happening over and over again every year. And that's wrong.

But that doesn't make it right to crack asinine jokes about it. Maybe in 20 years or so, sufficient time will have passed, where you can casually drop a 9/11 joke, or use the WTC as a punchline for something.

Sorta like saying that your drunk buddy was "more bombed than Pearl Harbor!" Yeah, it only took 50 years for that one to become acceptable.

Make you a deal. When Ben Affleck stars in a movie about it, you can let loose with the jokes. Until then, shut your fucking mouths. Seriously.

Ultimately, the biggest joke of all is that you're Seattle Fucking Seahawk fans. Mmkay? And yet, New Yorkers are kind enough not to constantly shove our newly polished Lombardi Trophy in your face.

Hey... where's your Lombardi Trophy? Ohhhhh!! That's right!! It's in Pittsburgh.

In My Comments Today!!

Some random idiot decided to leave a comment on my June 2nd post, where I made fun of a Kurt Cobain Conspiracy Theorist... and here it is, so you don't have to dig for it...

MIKAL said...
Hey Fuck Head. Kurt was MURDERED. trying debateing me aout it and ill tear you a new asshole. you cant win. trust me. KURT WAS MURDERED.

First and foremost, let me get this straight Mikal... you're slinging personal threats at an ANONYMOUS BLOGGER... who's identity you'll never have a method of learning? You fucking terrify me dude. That's it, I'm shutting down the blog and never going near a computer again. It's all too real now... and I'm scared.

Secondly, just say the word, and I'll TELL YOU who I am, and you can come try to "rip me a new asshole." My guess is that you're about 25 years old, you work in some form of physical labor, whether construction or contracting of some kind, or something more specified, and you've probably questioned your sexuality enough to have experimented with men in the past.

And thirdly, I'm so terribly sorry to break this to you, but Kurt Cobain committed suicide. You're a fucking wackaloon. You're the kind of conspiracy-believing imbecile who thinks that 9/11 was an inside job because you saw photoshopped pictures of the planes on the internet. If you had been born in the 60's, you'd probably believe that Elvis was still alive.

Kurt Cobain was a heroin addict. He went into hiding to try to clean up and couldn't handle the physical and emotional turmoils, and shot himself in the face. It's not fucking science, and murder isn't that easy to cover up.

That said, I'm a big fan of Cobain's music, and I think it's deeply insulting that a small number of stupid wackos refuse to let the man rest in peace, and continue to sully his name with these unfounded accusations and their refusal to believe the simple truth. This man decided to end his life, and the world at large should just accept that.

And if you want to debate me, I suggest that you learn, at least, how to spell.

Gehrig vs. Jeter? Why Would You Bother?

Those who know me will tell you that I'm usually not too eager to defend Derek Jeter's merits as a ballplayer. I think the media says more than enough about a guy who's making $19 Million a year for 150 singles and below-average defense. However, I spotted something in my local newspaper that I couldn't resist. We again, turn our attention to the editorial section of the New York Daily News, for this nugget of wisdom from Ralph Buffalino:

Consider The Stats
Farmingdale, L.I.: Being a Yankee fan, I'm not taking anything away from Derek Jeter, but consider that when Lou Gehrig played, there were only 154 games a year, not 162. multiply that eight additional games a year by 12 years. that's 96 games. That's a lot more at-bats.

So yes, we're talking about Jeter's new "Yankee Stadium Hits Record" and it's legitimacy.

Consider that Gehrig was baseball's original Iron Man. In fact, his nickname was The Iron Horse, and the guy rarely, if ever, missed a game.

Then consider that Jeter missed 43 games in 2003 with a shoulder separation suffered when Blue Jays catcher, Ken Huckaby divebombed him at 3rd Base (and yes, I remembered that it was Huckaby without looking it up.)

Also, yes, the season is 8 games longer than it used to be. Presumably that's 4 home games, and 4 road games. So that margin of 96 games is instantly trimmed to only 48.

Furthermore, factor into this equation that Jeter has been forced by his coaches over the years, to take the occasional day off.

Ultimately, Jeter has a total of 9091 career plate appearances as a major leaguer. Gehrig had 9660 plate appearances. There are no split-stats on Gehrig to look at for specifics, but if anything, Gehrig probably had slightly more Yankee Stadium at-bats than Jeter.

Am I trying to shit on Lou Gehrig? Hells no. I'm simply point out the futility of this person's argument and the sentiment that Jeter somehow isn't deserving of this "record."

If you want evidence that Gehrig was clearly the better ballplayer, you need look no further than his 493 career home runs (287 more than Jeter) and his career .340/.447/.632 (OPS+ 179). Jeter sits at a less-impressive .316/.387/.458 (OPS+ 121).

Lou Gehrig was an absolute beast. He was an incredible baseball player by any standards by which a baseball player has ever been measured, or ever will be measured. Gehrig OPS'd over 1.000... for his ENTIRE CAREER. That is immense. He drew almost 2 walks for every strikeout. And he struck out less than once, for every 10 at bats.

Not to mention the fact that he batted .295/.410/.523 with 29 homers and 114 RBI in 1938... while suffering the advancing effects of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, the disease that ultimately killed him soon after.

Gehrig's performance in 1938 has got to be the greatest act of human resilience in the history of professional sports.

And the irony is, that while we know now that ALS was killing Gehrig in 1938, he just thought that he was declining with age.

Something That Really Shocks Me!!

A lot of things have happened in the world over the last 24 hours, there have been some very important developments, but none that rocked the very fabric of my being quite the way that this news did.

I just want to say that I never saw this coming. Clay Aiken is gay?! You have to be kidding me!! He's so masculine!! I mean, for me, Clay Aiken has always embodied what it means to be a heterosexual male!! What will our society do, now that this pillar of machismo has fallen?

I'm predicting that there will be riots, and that the NFL will go on strike, as hundreds of gridiron jocks are left without their last great male role model.

What's next guys? Chuck Norris in the emergency room with a gerbil up his ass? I just don't know what to do now that Clay Aiken is gay.

Okay, enough of the sarcasm. I just checked with one of my co-workers about this, and we both thought that Aiken came out of the closet a couple of months ago. Personally, I thought that was the reason Aiken was on American Idol to begin with.

And in other news, I'm bored.

If you're reading this post, you should drop me a line and say hello. Talk to me, seriously. I want to know who you crazy bastards are!! So go to your e-mail of choice, and write something, and send it to primeoffense@yahoo.com. Or I will never forgive any of you.

OMG THE METS ARE CHOKING!!

I should probably preface this by, again, stating that I'm a Yankees fan and saying that, yes, my team does suck this year. Hughes and Kennedy were a big let-down, and injuries to Wang, Chamberlain, Posada, Matsui and A-Rod were too much to overcome. The statements that will follow, about the New York Mets, have nothing to do with me being a fan of the Yankees, and are offered only as honest analysis. With some satire. If these assertions piss you off, you really should get some thicker skin, or a helmet. Or maybe some orthodontic headgear. Or Fudgeboots! Okay, now I'm just being silly. But seriously, Fudgeboots! Think about it.

The New York Mets are not choking, and this is not a "repeat of September 2007" as many people are saying.

The New York Mets are just a bad baseball team. Yup, there it is. I said it.

The Mets were 14-12 on May 1st. They were 28-27 on June 1st. And they were 41-42 on July 1st.

They got hot in July and August, going 36-18 over that stretch, and since September 1st, they're 9-9. The bottom line is that this is a .500 team. They got hot and overachieved for about a month and a half, and now they've reverted to being a .500 team. Why?

Well, lets start with the most glaring problem, that horrific fucking bullpen. Sure, the injury to Wagner hurts a lot, but even with him, this is a bad bullpen, especially since he's not exactly Mr. Clutch.

The outfield's pretty bad after Beltran. Second base is a mess. The Catcher position produces almost nothing. And especially now, with John Maine out of the rotation, there's not much beyond Santana.

So Mister Six... if this team is such utter shit, then why are the in the race for a playoff spot?

Is this the question you're dying to ask? Take a good look at the NL East. The Marlins were in the picture until recently. Yes, the Marlins... with their $0.47 payroll and roster full of AAA players. The Phillies are inconsistent as shit, and never seem to be playing to their potential.

And as for the Wild Card race... the NL West is pitifully bad, so no challenges are coming from there.

If anybody is pulling a "2007 Mets" this year, it's the Milwaukee Brewers, hence the fact that they're lagging in the Wild Card race.

The bottom line though, is that any way you slice it, this isn't a "choke" or "collapse" by the Mets if they miss the playoffs. This is a team that's not very good... overachieving for about 6 or 7 weeks, and at least making the season interesting for their fans.

Which is a lot more than the Yankees bothered to do this year.

Something Positive For a Change!

Check it out! Oscar Diaz came out of his coma!

For those of you who weren't aware of this story, Diaz is a 25 year old welterweight boxer from San Antonio, Texas.

He was unable to leave his corner following the 11th round of a fight with Delvin Rodriguez a couple of months ago, eventually collapsing in the ring. He ended up in the hospital with a severe brain injury, had surgery, and spent 2 months in a coma. And now he's awake.

So yeah, grats to Oscar Diaz, and lots of luck in your continued recovery dude.

The Problem with Sportswriting.

I guess I'll preface this by saying that this is a rare serious post for this site, and something that bothers me about sports. I ranted this morning to my girlfriend about this topic, because it came up in the combination of the Jay Mariotti situation, and the resolve of A-Rod's divorce.

The fact of the matter is that sportswriting has changed drastically over the last 20 years or so. It's driven too much by sensationalism and the desperate need to sell newspapers and draw ratings.

Historically, sportswriters had access to athletes because there was a rapport and a trust. These days, players are mandated by their respective leagues to talk to reporters and typically fined when they refuse... but why would anybody WANT to talk to the media? The vast majority of what's written about athletes is negative, and in the cases of writers like Mike Lupica and Jay Mariotti, even articles that claim to "praise" an athlete come with backhanded attacks at that player's shortcomings and failures. It's as if it's genuinely impossible for this crop of writers to actually LIKE ANYBODY!

And moreso, the eagerness of these people to break the next big story, whether it's extramarital affairs, steroids, or unfounded and unproven accusations against someone, has exposed us to a world of things that we probably never needed to know, and that we'd probably enjoy the games better if we didn't.

Mickey Mantle was a rampant alcoholic and Babe Ruth frequented prostitutes, and the guys who made their living following them around never made a peep about it. Why? For two reasons:

1) A trust existed. Writers were given access by the players and teams because they trusted that certain things, especially the embarrassing stuff, would be kept quiet. A sportswriter's very living depended on being trusted enough to be allowed to travel with the team, and being able to get close to those guys. If a writer embarrassed the players on his home team unnecessarily, he had to deal with those players, and the consequences of his actions.

2) More importantly, there was a sense of responsibility. Children idolized Mickey Mantle and Babe Ruth. They were role models. And while they might not have been exemplary human beings, nobody needed to know that. It was better to let everybody think they were model citizens.

Everybody points to the fact that athletes can't be role models any more, that they fail miserably. Do you really believe that this is the product of "today's athletes?" The stars of days past were just as big of assholes as the guys we've got today. The difference is that you didn't hear about it. Private matters were kept private.

As "morally reprehensible" as the steroid situation may have been, who's business was it really? People point to the health risks... but who's going to have to deal with those health risks? The players who choose to take steroids! If Roger Clemens wants to shoot himself in the ass with poison so that he can play one more year of baseball, and do the only thing he's ever loved a little longer, who am I to criticize that? He's risking his own health and well-being, not mine.

People say that it encourages kids to take steroids... but until the story was broken, kids didn't know it was happening! So who's really doing the harm here?

If Alex Rodriguez cheats on his wife, is that really any of my business? Isn't that a private matter between Alex and Cynthia Rodriguez? Is he really the first professional athlete to ever do this? Why does his image have to be tainted over it?

The bottom line is that people are less interested and passionate about sports these days. And it's not the fault of stat-geeks. It's the fault of the mass media. They taint and destroy our heroes in favor of selling a few papers or driving up their ratings. The fact of the matter is that we're too involved in the private lives of strangers, and it's taking the fun out of sports.

As I've said before, I'm a Yankee fan, and I can remember what it was like to cheer for my team, and not feel guilty about it.

These days, I watch a Yankee game, and I feel like a moron for cheering for Jason Giambi and Andy Pettitte because they used steroids. And I feel stupid for pulling for A-Rod, because he cheats on his wife. And then Jeter comes up to bat, and I worry that he's too busy dating models to hit a baseball. Then Cano boots a ground ball and I wonder if it's because he's too busy thinking about ways to spend the money from his new contract!

We know too much about these people. I remember watching games and being 100% behind the guys on my team, being completely unaware of all the other bullshit, because it didn't matter. It wasn't too long ago. Was it?

I remember a story that I heard not too long ago, but for the life of me, I can't remember the name of the photographer involved. It centers around the 1971 "Fight of the Century" between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier. Frazier won the fight, handing Ali his first professional defeat that night.

And this photographer was in Ali's dressing room after the fight, look at a beaten Ali, a sight that the world had never seen before, and might never get the chance to see again. The self-proclaimed "Greatest of All-Time" had just been humbled, and several people in the room told this guy that he should take a picture, because it'd probably be worth "a million bucks."

The photographer refused, telling the people in the room that the world didn't need to see it.

Think about that for a second. Will something like that ever happen again?

Bill Plaschke: Right For All the Wrong Reasons!!!

Yup, that's the name of Bill's new book, due out next week.

Alternate titles included:

Bill Plaschke: Can I Has More Stupid?
Bill. Plaschke. Sentence. Fragment. Poems. For. Us. All.
And of course...
Bill Plaschke: If I Had a Normal Name, I'd Be Easier to Mock.

Just kidding, Bill isn't writing a book. Just more stupid shit.

He has saved day games, night games, winning streaks, road trips, confidence, face, butts and souls.

Who could we possibly be talking about? He's saved souls? And butts? This sounds like some kind of kickass Jesus with a machine gun!!! Or Rambo!! Yeah, RAMBO!!!!!

In giving the Angels the shirt off his back this season, Francisco Rodriguez has saved all but one thing.

How exactly, has he given them the shirt off his back, Bill? By pitching? That's sorta what he gets paid to do... so I'm not sure I follow where you're going with this. And what didn't he save?

The shirt off his back.

Umm.... wha? "In giving the Angels the shirt off his back this season, Francisco Rodriguez has failed to save the shirt off his back."

The English language just committed suicide. You fucking killed it Bill. Are you happy now?

Yes, his major league-record 58 saves is one of the coolest things to happen in Anaheim since Darin Erstad caught that final out.

Why do I get the feeling that Bill Plaschke's about to say something stupid.

For all this, the Angels should shake his hand and tell him two things. Good job, and goodbye.

Yeah, motherfucker!!! Hit the bricks!!!! Wait... wha? Ohhhh... I get it!! Because the closer is vastly overvalued in baseball economics, because all "closing" really is, is pitching an inning with a 3-run lead! Any reliever can do it! Why not pay a good middle reliever a quarter of the money and plug him in as the closer? Or bring up a fireballer from the minors to handle it!!

He has set the price, at five years, $15 million a year. He has set the tone, breaking a saves record that stood for 18 years.

Yeah, that's wayyyyy too much money to spend on 70 innings a year.

He's so ready to put himself on the open market, sometimes it seems as if he's already there, with post-save celebrations that highlight his individuality.

You lost me again. Let me get this straight, you're calling him selfish for having a freakishly good season and being happy about it? He's performing well... and because of that, he's "doing it all for himself and not the team?"

But more than any other statistic in the game, saves are a team stat. And even without their closer this season, here's guessing the Angels would be a first-place team.

I beg to differ. Wins are much more of a "team stat" than saves. RBIs are a big-time "team stat." And furthermore, here's guessing that we have no fucking CLUE where the Angels would be with Scot Shields closing ballgames. No clue.

If he really believes he will be better served playing for a manager who doesn't understand pitchers as well as Mike Scioscia, well, they should politely offer to have his head examined.

So wait... you're saying that he's saved 58 games this year... because Mike Scioscia understands pitchers? Bill, what's to fucking understand. He's their closer!!! Let me break it down for you.

They play 8 innings of baseball, with bats and balls and gloves, and they score points that are called runs... and when the 9th inning gets there, if a team is winning by 1, 2 or 3 runs... they bring in a pitcher called their "closer" to try to finish the game. If he succeeds in doing so without surrendering the lead at any point, he'd credited with what we call a "save."

Every manager in baseball understands this, Bill. Not just Mike Scioscia. When the game calls for the closer, Scioscia puts in his closer. It's not fucking science.

He is a historically incredible closer, but he's not as important to the team as a potential Angels free-agent slugger named Mark Teixeira, or a potential free-agent starter such as the Milwaukee Brewers' CC Sabathia.

Teixeira is going to cost them at least $20 Million a year, as he's firmly on the Yankees radar. After the giant contract they gave Torii Hunter last year, I doubt they're touching Teixeira.

And Sabathia's also going to command about $20 Million a year... and again, is firmly on the Yankees radar. They have $80 Million coming off the books. And the Angels have about 72 starting pitchers. So why the fuck would Sabathia be a bigger priority than F-Rod?

Closers get three outs. Closers do not hit three-run homers. Closers cannot pitch three-hit shutouts. Closers will never work three scoreless innings in relief. Closers get three outs, and only after everyone else has first done their job.

Fucking poetry. But here's the problem... if you let F-Rod go, who does his job next year? Who gets those three outs... after everyone else has done their jobs?

Scot Shields? Darren Oliver? Justin Speier? Or do you give the job to 24-year old Jose Arrendondo, who has the most impressive numbers, but has only worked 54 inning in his career? And who do you use to replace whoever slides down to the 9th inning?

Just for the record, what do you think is more demoralizing to a team?

Trailing from the first inning on and losing 8-3? Or having a 5-3 lead in the 9th inning and watching your closer blow it.... losing 8-3? Same score... but what has more of an impact?

Why don't you ask the 2007 Mets about this... better yet, why don't you ask the 2008 Mets about it? They're working on doing the same damned thing again... because they don't have a guy like F-Rod at the back-end.

Ultimately, Plaschke's right... $15 Million a year for a closer is insane... but if you're that team, do you really want to see how your season ends up without a real closer?