My Morals are Dying As I Write This...

I'm just going to go ahead and glob a few thoughts together here. All of them feel wrong in my heart, and yet seem terribly obvious to my brain. I never, in a million years, imagined I'd say any of these things... so rather than just spitting out one of them... I'm going to put them all out in the open.

1) The Yankees should sign Manny Ramirez.

Why? Because he'd be incredible in New York. He'd get 19 games a year to remind the Red Sox what a horrible mistake they made by letting him leave, and if his performance in Los Angeles is any indication of what he's capable of when happy and motivated to stick it to the Red Sox, he'd probably win the Triple Crown in his first season in New York. Is he a giant boogie man? Yes, he is, but in case you hadn't noticed, Alex Rodriguez is sorta turning into a boogie man... so maybe Man-Ram would even succeed in taking some pressure off of Fragile-Rod's delicate psyche, especially in these trying times during which A-Rod has to learn the principles of Kabbalah while retaining his home-run swing.

2) The NFL was too hard on Adam (Don't Call me Pacman) Jones.

Did I say something about this before? Yeah. Did anybody ever bother to consider that the guy might have a drinking problem? And that the vast majority of his problems might have been occurring while he was intoxicated? Doesn't the NFL have some degree of obligation to look out for this guy's well-being, rather than just labeling him as a bad guy, and looking for ways to throw him out of the league? And here's the bigger question... if Adam Jones was a white guy, do you think Roger Goodell would still have this giant, obvious boner for trying to throw him out of the league? What if he was a white Quarterback, instead of a black Cornerback? Still?

More the case, Jones got into a scrap with a bodyguard. The bodyguard was an employee of the Dallas Cowboys, assigned to look after Jones. So at worst, isn't this a team matter? And shouldn't the Dallas Cowboys be entirely in charge of how it's resolved? Yes, there was an altercation, and yes, police were called. Was an arrest made? Nope. And aren't people in this country supposed to be "innocent until proven guilty"?

By that logic, isn't it then impossible for Jones to have been guilty of anything, if he was not arrested and charges were not filed?

3) Stephon Marbury needs to play for the Knicks, like, immediately.

Benching him for the first game was stupid. Moving him to the inactive list was moronic and inexcusable. And keeping him there... probably makes the baby Jesus cry. I'm not even exaggerating.

I understand that Mike D'Antoni's logic is, that since Marbury won't be here beyond this year, the minutes are better spent "developing" players who will be here. There's a problem with that logic though...

The guys who are playing instead of Marbury aren't going to develop into anything special. Anthony Roberson is an undrafted free agent who got a 2-year contract for playing well in the summer league. And Mardy Collins is a late first rounder with almost zero potential. And Chris Duhon is garbage, pure and simple, garbage. None of these guys have the jumpshot to be productive in D'Antoni's offense, regardless.

Marbury, on the other hand, has played the part of "good soldier" the whole way. He's said all the right things. And on top of that, he came to camp in terrific shape, worked his ass off in the pre-season, and showed the ability to grasp the offense to some degree. He's done everything he possibly can to distance himself from the last couple of years.

Show me one team, in the history of the NBA, that's won games while it's best player was a healthy scratch. In fact, show me one team in professional sports history, that's ever deactivated their best player and improved as a result. That's what the Knicks are doing.

They claim to want to trade Marbury. And how, exactly, are you going to trade a guy who's not playing? If Marbury were to see 10 minutes a game, and he played well, looked rejuvenated, had his old quickness back, along with that relentless drive... wouldn't his value increase? Wouldn't it become easier to move his $22 Million expiring contract? Couldn't you even, perhaps, bring back something of value for him?

These three points go against everything I feel like I should know about professional sports by now, but they seem to need to be said.

The 100th Post!! Not a Placemarker Any More... I'm Just Stupid.

Grats to Me!!! My 100th post is now up and complete!!!! Hooray!! Or something.

So here's what we're checking out. It was covered by Sports By Brooks and says that, apparently, people are buying the sperm of former athletes from sperm banks, in the hope that their kids will have athletic prowess. This is fucked up on so many levels that I don't know where to start... so I'm not even going to get into that aspect of it.

My big question is... what kind of athlete is selling his love sauce to sperm banks? I came up with a few names, and I'm going to try to fill out a list here.

1) Rickey Henderson - "You're the best Rickey!! Just think about it Rickey!! Now there can be 10 Rickeys!!! ONE HUNDRED RICKEYS!! Rickey can be his own team!!! Rickey will never have to lose because who could possibly beat a whole team of Rickey?"

2) Jose Canseco - Come on, like you weren't thinking the same thing? The better question is... after all the roid's he's done, how much sperm could he possibly get out of those shriveled up little balls? Sammy Davis, Jr.'s got a bigger payload, and he's been dead for almost 20 years.

3) Adam "Not Pacman" Jones - Although in this case, he's not the one selling it to the Spooj House. The strippers are actually sapping it up with bar towels and squeezing it out into shot glasses shortly after he makes it rain.

4) Shaq - He'd actually be doing the NBA a service here. Seriously. If he's not doing this, he should. It's the only way the Knicks are ever going to get a decent center.

5) Kobe Bryant - Because once he hears that Shaq's doing it, he'll feel compelled to try to do it better.

6) Elijah Dukes - Dude's 24. Dude's got 5 kids already. Dude's first two kids were born 8 days apart. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bullshittin', dawg. Oops... sorry, that's part of the voicemail Dukes left for one of his baby mommas.

7) Latrell Sprewell - The best way for Spree to feed his kids, is by selling the genetic material to create about 700 more kids.

8) Shawn Kemp - When wikipedia says that you've fathered "at least seven children" but apparently can't be sure... you make this list. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N*gga, all I know is, n*gga, when I see your muthafuckin' ass riding, dawg, it's on. God dammit, somebody hit stop on the Dukes tape!!!

9) Alex Rodriguez - From what I've heard, he used to charge Cynthia for the stuff. He really doesn't believe in giving away ANYTHING that somebody will pay for. I'm actually pretty sure you can buy baracks of his Casper Army at his Merch Tent at Spring Training. Yeah, Casper looks like jizz, doesn't he?

10) Anthony Merino - A quarterback for the semi-pro Empire State Titans, Merino was arrested after security guards found him having sex with the corpse of a 92-year-old woman in the New Jersey hospital at which he was a lab technician. I have no joke here. No joke at all.

The Anti-All Star Team?

Yup, somebody made one. And of course, it's stupid. Thank you, Scott Miller. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life writing about tennis and soccer. For a brief moment, I thought stupidity in baseball was on the down-turn.

On a side note, this article has already been talked about on FireJoeMorgan but you're here, so you get my take on it. Their take on it's probably funnier.

There is no voting for this All-Star team. Only pity.

To rephrase: There is no voting for this All-Star team. Only the asinine opinion of one man.

Oh, the horror! The humanity! The trashed hopes, dashed dreams and downright incorrigible incompetence!

Okay, so that's what we're looking for. Trashed hopes, downright incompetence. Got it.

First base: Richie Sexson, free agent

Whatever you do, don't read the nutritional label posted on Sexson's packaging! The fat and calories alone in his $14 million salary this season would drive most consumers toward immediate angioplasty.

Umm... huh? Fat and calories in his contract? Let me say this nicely... what the FUCK are you talking about? Sexson's having a shitty year, and he just got released because of it... but his numbers are actually slightly BETTER than they were last year (while Seattle was winning 88 games and competing for the wild card.) But you're right. The problem is clearly the amount of trans fat somehow associated with the money they pay him. If his contract had some protein escalators, and maybe a few B12 incentives, then everything would be gravy. You like those nutritional metaphors, don't you? Admit it.

Second base: Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee

As Milwaukee scraps and battles, Weeks far too often couldn't find first base if you gave him a map, a copy of Abner Doubleday's rules and walked him halfway there. Not that he's having a difficult season, but at midweek he was hitting .207 with 61 punch-outs and 36 walks.

Really? That's your anti-All Star at second base? His .217/.320/.367 with 8 homers isn't very good... but there's gotta be somebody worse at second base... the black hole of offensive production in baseball.

How about Pittsburgh's Freddy Sanchez and his Herculean .226/.251/.304 with 5 homers? Or Nat's Felipe Lopez with his .233/.308/.312 and 2 jacks? Or maybe Juan Uribe at .219/.269/.349? Nah, you're right. Lets go with Weeks. He strikes out a lot. These other guys are probably moving baserunners with their clutch, team-first groundouts to the pitcher.

Shortstop: Jose Reyes, Mets.
The most egregious sin for anyone blessed with this much talent -- baseball player, pianist, painter -- is to not get the most out of it. Right now, that's Reyes. Sure, his numbers are respectable. But this guy has the tools to be great. And he won't put out to get there.

Won't put out to get there? I think you should ask Mike Lupica about that. I'm CONSTANTLY talking about instances of Reyes putting out for men on that website. Seems that not a day goes by that it's not brought up in some form.

But let me get this straight. His .302/.367/.487 with 43 extra base hits and 32 stolen bases isn't the problem. The problem is... that he has the tools to be great, but he won't blow Carlos Delgado? Richie Sexson has too much cholesterol to be a part of a balanced winning diet... and Jose Reyes won't put out? Do you have any fucking idea what you're talking about any more Scott Miller? The Anti-All Star Team, dammit!!! FOCUS!!!

Third base: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees.
He's in line for a lifetime contract as an Anti All-Star after his incredibly selfish -- and not forgotten -- act of opting out of his Yankees contract during the Red Sox's World Series-clinching victory last fall.
First he stole the thunder from the World Series, now he's grabbing the spotlight at the All-Star Game with Madonna. Can't wait to see what he pulls for next spring's World Baseball Classic.

So the entire basis of this selection is... that you don't like him? The opt-out during the World Series was stupid. It's long-since over and done with, but feel free to hold that against A-Rod forever. While you're hating him, he'll be drinking the Material Milkshake (yes, that was a bad Madonna joke) and hitting 50 homers a year on his way to being baseball's home run king. I'm sure he's shitting his pants about being included on the anti-Star team.

Left field: Paul McAnulty, San Diego.
Finally and mercifully optioned to Triple-A Portland this week, McAnulty has spent most of this season as Poster Boy for the bullheaded philosophies of Padres president Sandy Alderson, assistant Paul DePodesta and others in the executive offices who have made a shambles of this one-time NL West contender.

PAUL DEPODESTA!!!!!! It's his fault!!! Him and his fucking computer geeky computer science programs in his mother's basement!!! McAnulty's seen 164 plate appearances and he's been pretty bad (.207/.341/.341) but not really much worse than the other options:

Scott Hairston: .259/.305/.506
Justin Huber: .246/.303/.393
Callix Crabbe: .176/.282/.206

At least McAnulty gets on base at a roughly average rate. These other guys are fucking awful. The whole team is awful. And poor. Khalil Greene is OPSing .593 (and didn't make the cut for this retarded team.) Who's fault is all of this? Paul DePodesta. Naturally.

What's obvious is this: They are force-feeding antiquated philosophies that peaked during the Steroid Era (collect guys who can get on base and then the occasional three-run homer will take you home) in a park where they don't fit in an era when successful baseball teams have figured out you need multi-dimensional players to succeed.

New theory: Moneyball was the product of the Steroid Era.

Scott Miller tells us that the philosophy is to collect guys who can get on base and then pray for the 3-run homer. Let me try to more accurately explain this set of ideas for you.

In the game of baseball, a team is allotted 27 outs at a rate of 3 per inning. The idea is to score as many runs as possible while making as few outs as possible. Computer geek assholes like Paul DePodesta believe that if you get a bunch of guys who make LESS OUTS than the average player... by hitting or drawing walks... you increase the number of chances to score runs before making your 27 outs. They also believe that these players, because they can draw walks, will see more pitches, hence tiring the opposing team's pitchers and getting into their bullpen, thus putting a strain on the opponent's pitching staff.

Now that I've explained the fundamentals of the fucking game of baseball to a man who writes about it for a living... I'm going to move on. Moneyball has nothing the fuck to do with steroids. It has to do with the fact that most people (see: Scott Miller) still look at the game of baseball as though this is the 1920's. The game has changed, our understanding of the mechanics of the game has improved, and thus, teams are going in different directions to maximize their offensive potential and win games. Paul McAnulty is a bad baseball player. That doesn't make the philosophy wrong.

Center field: Andruw Jones, Dodgers

Freeway gridlock, smog and bad Dodgers contracts are the scourge of Los Angeles, and right now, Jones' deal takes the cake (and then eats it). For $36.2 million over two years, Jones at midweek was hitting .168 with two homers, eight RBI, 50 strikeouts and only 21 walks in 145 at-bats. Ouch.

But not one mention of Ned Coletti. You know... the genius smarty smart baseball man who replaced Paul DePodesta in Los Angeles... and signed superstars like Jason Schmidt, Andruw Jones and Juan Pierre to contracts, that combined, exceed the Gross National Product of Nigeria.

Right field: Paul O'Neill, Yankees

Let me summarize. Scott Miller thinks Paul O'Neill is an asshole... because he didn't rush to the defense of LaTroy Hawkins, who decided to wear his #21. Yankee fans didn't appreciate Hawkins choice of number, or his shitty pitching, and booed him. And it was O'Neill's job to defend the guy.

So does that mean that if Barry Larkin gives money to charity, that he can start at shortstop for the All-Star Team? Even though he's retired and hasn't played baseball this year? Do I need to point out how fucking moronic it is to pick a retired player for this list? I hope not.

The rest of this list is more stupid opinion bullshit... Shawn Chacon, Eric Gagne... not because they suck as players... but because Gagne was in the Mitchell Report, and Chacon attacked his GM.

Why are these people paid to write about baseball? Best answer wins a prize...

Hypocrite of the Day!

Cynthia Rodriguez doesn't want publicity. Which is obviously why she's talking to the biggest gossip columnist in the entirety of New York. Cindy Adams.

A-Rod's wife wants no publicity. She does not want to speak out.

Lets make a list of ways to avoid publicity.

1) Keep a low profile... as opposed to say... taking a hugely publicized trip to Paris and staying with Lenny Kravitz.
2) Don't talk to reporters... as opposed to say... speaking to Cindy Adams, the biggest gossip columnist in the entirety of New York.
3) Don't do anything flashy... like being seen shopping and spending large amounts of the money you're going to try to snatch from your husband.

Here's a very short list of ways to not speak out.

DON'T FUCKING SPEAK OUT!!! It's not that difficult. And you're a giant hypocrite. In fact... hypocrisy is usually saying one thing, and then doing another. Does it count as being a hypocrite when you say one thing WHILE IN THE PROCESS OF DOING THE OTHER?

She wants only to hide from the army of paparazzi camped in front of her.

Yeah, because the paparazzi are obviously terrified of Lenny Kravitz... as proven by the 6.4 million stories about him in US Weekly, People Magazine, TMZ and every glossy on the planet.

Ask again, you mean she's saying she really still loves her womanizing husband and what comes back is, Cynthia Rodriguez is "not out to mutilate him."

Of course she's not out to mutilate him! If he were to be mutilated, he wouldn't be able to continue playing baseball, and she wouldn't be able to demand half of the $300 Million Dollar contract he just signed!!!

She is also of a mind that he maybe, mistakenly, took her 13 years of dedication as a sign of weakness.

She met him when he was fucking 19. She's got a degree in psychology. He's got daddy issues out the ass, and is probably one of the most insecure human beings in human history. Is it even slightly possible that this lecherous cunt simply used her knowledges as a way to latch onto a guy who was obviously going to make a LOT of money playing baseball?

The word from the other side is that she's RARELY seen at Yankee Stadium and she NEVER travels with the team!! So let me ask you this... if your husband was probably the most lusted-after man in professional sports... and you wanted to keep him... would you let him spend roughly THREE MONTHS out of every year on the road by himself?

Famous athletes cheat on their wives? Really!? Are you kidding me?! I'm not saying that she PLANNED THIS... but I definitely think it worked out in her favor.

She has come to the realization he's changed. He is no longer the same man she grew desperately to love.

Yeah, she loved the guy who was 19 years old and making peanuts with the Seattle Mariners. She loved him, because any idiot could have told you that he was going to grow up to be the highest paid player in baseball history. Now he's matured... and she's cashing out.

Ask why that might be her attitude and you're told: Last year's front-page story of his affair with another woman caused her so much "pain" that she simply - the way it's put is - "refuses to go there again."

Why?! Because he went to a strip club? With a woman? Let me state this as calmly as I possibly can.

HE'S A PROFESSIONAL FUCKING ATHLETE!!! THEY GO TO STRIP CLUBS!!! IF THIS BITCH HAD TAKEN A ROAD TRIP TO TORONTO WITH HIM... HE'D HAVE GONE TO A STRIP CLUB WITH HER INSTEAD!!! BUT SHE DIDN'T!!!

And another thing... have you fucked every person you've ever gone to a strip club with? I most certainly haven't! If A-Rod was looking for a piece of ass, he could walk into a strip club, write a check, and they'd CLOSE DOWN the entire place and all the girls in it would take turns licking his balls. HE'S THAT FUCKING RICH!! Why doesn't anybody need proof to hang this guy by his scrotum?

Cynthia's lawyers, Earle Lilly and John Van Ness, allude to deeper issues where their client's husband is concerned. They use words like "narcissism" and "ego" and "not healthy."

No fucking way... you mean her DIVORCE LAWYERS are saying that he's fucked up? Well then it must be true! It's not like they've got a 30% stake in the divorce settlement or something. And it's not like 30% of that settlement is going to be worth upwards of $100 Million Dollars.

Oh, wait a second... it's EXACTLY LIKE THAT! They're DIVORCE LAWYERS!! What do you expect them to say? That her REFUSAL to go on road trips and support her husband in his chosen profession amounts to ABANDONMENT? That she forced him into the arms of other women by neglecting him for six months out of every year?

She does admit to trusted friends she'll be there for him the day he cracks up because she knows it's going to be - the words used are - "an ugly thing."

I'm sorry... didn't she start by saying that she had NO MALICE? This sure fucking sounds like malice.

She KNOWS that without her, Alex Rodriguez is going to crash and burn... but it's okay, because she'll be there to help him pick up the pieces. Sure sounds like she's hoping his life goes to shit once she's gone... and last I checked, that's malice.

Here's my take on this situation. Ron White said it best.

"You can't NOT fuck me. I'll fuck someone else. I know! I've seen me do it!!"

Words to live by, seriously. This guy is the most famous baseball player in the world. He's by himself... all season. 95% of the women that he meets every day, are willing to give him sex. And his wife is NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

As a man, it's hard enough to avoid temptation when someone offers sex... because lets face it. Women don't just go around offering sex to us. We have to jump through a few hoops to get laid. Now imagine that you're supposed to be faithful to your wife... but for SIX MONTHS out of every year... you don't really see her. Then imagine that 9 out of every 10 women that you meet on a daily basis, offer to fuck you. Could you stay faithful? For how long?

Now imagine that you're the most famous baseball player on the planet... and you have the ego, and sense of entitlement that he MUST have acquired by now.

Nevermind the fact that nobody's PROVEN that A-Rod cheated.

When Madonna tried to suck A-Rod's cock... Cynthia Rodriguez should have already BEEN there sucking his cock like, "No Madonna, I've got this. You can toss his salad if you really want to help though."