Even I'm Not a Big Enough Asshole to Make 9/11 Jokes...

But the guys at SeahawksHuddle.com are... Deadspin broke the story, as usual.

Hat tip to Saih for letting me know about it, and I have to apologize, because I just don't really know what to say about this.

Okay, yeah, actually I do. Are these people complete fucking idiots? I'll be the first person to admit that being a jerkoff on purpose is a great way to get some publicity and attention... but do you really want to be the 9/11 joke site?

SeahawksHuddle.com, congratulations... because you're now the top rated Seahawks fansite in Afghanistan. That should be good for about 11 hits a month. Which is 5 times as many as most fansites for the SEAHAWKS take.. in a YEAR.

Do the Seattle Seahawks even have fans? I mean, really... those aren't cardboard cutouts in the stands during home games?

Seriously though, let me break this down for a second. On the topic of 9/11... yes, some New Yorkers have milked the sympathy a little bit. And politicians (yes I mean you, Rudy Giuliani) have totally exploited the situation. The memorials and the remembrance and shit has gone a little too far, and it does get annoying. The way the media covers 9/11, it's almost like suffering through it happening over and over again every year. And that's wrong.

But that doesn't make it right to crack asinine jokes about it. Maybe in 20 years or so, sufficient time will have passed, where you can casually drop a 9/11 joke, or use the WTC as a punchline for something.

Sorta like saying that your drunk buddy was "more bombed than Pearl Harbor!" Yeah, it only took 50 years for that one to become acceptable.

Make you a deal. When Ben Affleck stars in a movie about it, you can let loose with the jokes. Until then, shut your fucking mouths. Seriously.

Ultimately, the biggest joke of all is that you're Seattle Fucking Seahawk fans. Mmkay? And yet, New Yorkers are kind enough not to constantly shove our newly polished Lombardi Trophy in your face.

Hey... where's your Lombardi Trophy? Ohhhhh!! That's right!! It's in Pittsburgh.

In My Comments Today!!

Some random idiot decided to leave a comment on my June 2nd post, where I made fun of a Kurt Cobain Conspiracy Theorist... and here it is, so you don't have to dig for it...

MIKAL said...
Hey Fuck Head. Kurt was MURDERED. trying debateing me aout it and ill tear you a new asshole. you cant win. trust me. KURT WAS MURDERED.

First and foremost, let me get this straight Mikal... you're slinging personal threats at an ANONYMOUS BLOGGER... who's identity you'll never have a method of learning? You fucking terrify me dude. That's it, I'm shutting down the blog and never going near a computer again. It's all too real now... and I'm scared.

Secondly, just say the word, and I'll TELL YOU who I am, and you can come try to "rip me a new asshole." My guess is that you're about 25 years old, you work in some form of physical labor, whether construction or contracting of some kind, or something more specified, and you've probably questioned your sexuality enough to have experimented with men in the past.

And thirdly, I'm so terribly sorry to break this to you, but Kurt Cobain committed suicide. You're a fucking wackaloon. You're the kind of conspiracy-believing imbecile who thinks that 9/11 was an inside job because you saw photoshopped pictures of the planes on the internet. If you had been born in the 60's, you'd probably believe that Elvis was still alive.

Kurt Cobain was a heroin addict. He went into hiding to try to clean up and couldn't handle the physical and emotional turmoils, and shot himself in the face. It's not fucking science, and murder isn't that easy to cover up.

That said, I'm a big fan of Cobain's music, and I think it's deeply insulting that a small number of stupid wackos refuse to let the man rest in peace, and continue to sully his name with these unfounded accusations and their refusal to believe the simple truth. This man decided to end his life, and the world at large should just accept that.

And if you want to debate me, I suggest that you learn, at least, how to spell.

Gehrig vs. Jeter? Why Would You Bother?

Those who know me will tell you that I'm usually not too eager to defend Derek Jeter's merits as a ballplayer. I think the media says more than enough about a guy who's making $19 Million a year for 150 singles and below-average defense. However, I spotted something in my local newspaper that I couldn't resist. We again, turn our attention to the editorial section of the New York Daily News, for this nugget of wisdom from Ralph Buffalino:

Consider The Stats
Farmingdale, L.I.: Being a Yankee fan, I'm not taking anything away from Derek Jeter, but consider that when Lou Gehrig played, there were only 154 games a year, not 162. multiply that eight additional games a year by 12 years. that's 96 games. That's a lot more at-bats.

So yes, we're talking about Jeter's new "Yankee Stadium Hits Record" and it's legitimacy.

Consider that Gehrig was baseball's original Iron Man. In fact, his nickname was The Iron Horse, and the guy rarely, if ever, missed a game.

Then consider that Jeter missed 43 games in 2003 with a shoulder separation suffered when Blue Jays catcher, Ken Huckaby divebombed him at 3rd Base (and yes, I remembered that it was Huckaby without looking it up.)

Also, yes, the season is 8 games longer than it used to be. Presumably that's 4 home games, and 4 road games. So that margin of 96 games is instantly trimmed to only 48.

Furthermore, factor into this equation that Jeter has been forced by his coaches over the years, to take the occasional day off.

Ultimately, Jeter has a total of 9091 career plate appearances as a major leaguer. Gehrig had 9660 plate appearances. There are no split-stats on Gehrig to look at for specifics, but if anything, Gehrig probably had slightly more Yankee Stadium at-bats than Jeter.

Am I trying to shit on Lou Gehrig? Hells no. I'm simply point out the futility of this person's argument and the sentiment that Jeter somehow isn't deserving of this "record."

If you want evidence that Gehrig was clearly the better ballplayer, you need look no further than his 493 career home runs (287 more than Jeter) and his career .340/.447/.632 (OPS+ 179). Jeter sits at a less-impressive .316/.387/.458 (OPS+ 121).

Lou Gehrig was an absolute beast. He was an incredible baseball player by any standards by which a baseball player has ever been measured, or ever will be measured. Gehrig OPS'd over 1.000... for his ENTIRE CAREER. That is immense. He drew almost 2 walks for every strikeout. And he struck out less than once, for every 10 at bats.

Not to mention the fact that he batted .295/.410/.523 with 29 homers and 114 RBI in 1938... while suffering the advancing effects of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, the disease that ultimately killed him soon after.

Gehrig's performance in 1938 has got to be the greatest act of human resilience in the history of professional sports.

And the irony is, that while we know now that ALS was killing Gehrig in 1938, he just thought that he was declining with age.

Something That Really Shocks Me!!

A lot of things have happened in the world over the last 24 hours, there have been some very important developments, but none that rocked the very fabric of my being quite the way that this news did.

I just want to say that I never saw this coming. Clay Aiken is gay?! You have to be kidding me!! He's so masculine!! I mean, for me, Clay Aiken has always embodied what it means to be a heterosexual male!! What will our society do, now that this pillar of machismo has fallen?

I'm predicting that there will be riots, and that the NFL will go on strike, as hundreds of gridiron jocks are left without their last great male role model.

What's next guys? Chuck Norris in the emergency room with a gerbil up his ass? I just don't know what to do now that Clay Aiken is gay.

Okay, enough of the sarcasm. I just checked with one of my co-workers about this, and we both thought that Aiken came out of the closet a couple of months ago. Personally, I thought that was the reason Aiken was on American Idol to begin with.

And in other news, I'm bored.

If you're reading this post, you should drop me a line and say hello. Talk to me, seriously. I want to know who you crazy bastards are!! So go to your e-mail of choice, and write something, and send it to primeoffense@yahoo.com. Or I will never forgive any of you.

OMG THE METS ARE CHOKING!!

I should probably preface this by, again, stating that I'm a Yankees fan and saying that, yes, my team does suck this year. Hughes and Kennedy were a big let-down, and injuries to Wang, Chamberlain, Posada, Matsui and A-Rod were too much to overcome. The statements that will follow, about the New York Mets, have nothing to do with me being a fan of the Yankees, and are offered only as honest analysis. With some satire. If these assertions piss you off, you really should get some thicker skin, or a helmet. Or maybe some orthodontic headgear. Or Fudgeboots! Okay, now I'm just being silly. But seriously, Fudgeboots! Think about it.

The New York Mets are not choking, and this is not a "repeat of September 2007" as many people are saying.

The New York Mets are just a bad baseball team. Yup, there it is. I said it.

The Mets were 14-12 on May 1st. They were 28-27 on June 1st. And they were 41-42 on July 1st.

They got hot in July and August, going 36-18 over that stretch, and since September 1st, they're 9-9. The bottom line is that this is a .500 team. They got hot and overachieved for about a month and a half, and now they've reverted to being a .500 team. Why?

Well, lets start with the most glaring problem, that horrific fucking bullpen. Sure, the injury to Wagner hurts a lot, but even with him, this is a bad bullpen, especially since he's not exactly Mr. Clutch.

The outfield's pretty bad after Beltran. Second base is a mess. The Catcher position produces almost nothing. And especially now, with John Maine out of the rotation, there's not much beyond Santana.

So Mister Six... if this team is such utter shit, then why are the in the race for a playoff spot?

Is this the question you're dying to ask? Take a good look at the NL East. The Marlins were in the picture until recently. Yes, the Marlins... with their $0.47 payroll and roster full of AAA players. The Phillies are inconsistent as shit, and never seem to be playing to their potential.

And as for the Wild Card race... the NL West is pitifully bad, so no challenges are coming from there.

If anybody is pulling a "2007 Mets" this year, it's the Milwaukee Brewers, hence the fact that they're lagging in the Wild Card race.

The bottom line though, is that any way you slice it, this isn't a "choke" or "collapse" by the Mets if they miss the playoffs. This is a team that's not very good... overachieving for about 6 or 7 weeks, and at least making the season interesting for their fans.

Which is a lot more than the Yankees bothered to do this year.

Something Positive For a Change!

Check it out! Oscar Diaz came out of his coma!

For those of you who weren't aware of this story, Diaz is a 25 year old welterweight boxer from San Antonio, Texas.

He was unable to leave his corner following the 11th round of a fight with Delvin Rodriguez a couple of months ago, eventually collapsing in the ring. He ended up in the hospital with a severe brain injury, had surgery, and spent 2 months in a coma. And now he's awake.

So yeah, grats to Oscar Diaz, and lots of luck in your continued recovery dude.

The Problem with Sportswriting.

I guess I'll preface this by saying that this is a rare serious post for this site, and something that bothers me about sports. I ranted this morning to my girlfriend about this topic, because it came up in the combination of the Jay Mariotti situation, and the resolve of A-Rod's divorce.

The fact of the matter is that sportswriting has changed drastically over the last 20 years or so. It's driven too much by sensationalism and the desperate need to sell newspapers and draw ratings.

Historically, sportswriters had access to athletes because there was a rapport and a trust. These days, players are mandated by their respective leagues to talk to reporters and typically fined when they refuse... but why would anybody WANT to talk to the media? The vast majority of what's written about athletes is negative, and in the cases of writers like Mike Lupica and Jay Mariotti, even articles that claim to "praise" an athlete come with backhanded attacks at that player's shortcomings and failures. It's as if it's genuinely impossible for this crop of writers to actually LIKE ANYBODY!

And moreso, the eagerness of these people to break the next big story, whether it's extramarital affairs, steroids, or unfounded and unproven accusations against someone, has exposed us to a world of things that we probably never needed to know, and that we'd probably enjoy the games better if we didn't.

Mickey Mantle was a rampant alcoholic and Babe Ruth frequented prostitutes, and the guys who made their living following them around never made a peep about it. Why? For two reasons:

1) A trust existed. Writers were given access by the players and teams because they trusted that certain things, especially the embarrassing stuff, would be kept quiet. A sportswriter's very living depended on being trusted enough to be allowed to travel with the team, and being able to get close to those guys. If a writer embarrassed the players on his home team unnecessarily, he had to deal with those players, and the consequences of his actions.

2) More importantly, there was a sense of responsibility. Children idolized Mickey Mantle and Babe Ruth. They were role models. And while they might not have been exemplary human beings, nobody needed to know that. It was better to let everybody think they were model citizens.

Everybody points to the fact that athletes can't be role models any more, that they fail miserably. Do you really believe that this is the product of "today's athletes?" The stars of days past were just as big of assholes as the guys we've got today. The difference is that you didn't hear about it. Private matters were kept private.

As "morally reprehensible" as the steroid situation may have been, who's business was it really? People point to the health risks... but who's going to have to deal with those health risks? The players who choose to take steroids! If Roger Clemens wants to shoot himself in the ass with poison so that he can play one more year of baseball, and do the only thing he's ever loved a little longer, who am I to criticize that? He's risking his own health and well-being, not mine.

People say that it encourages kids to take steroids... but until the story was broken, kids didn't know it was happening! So who's really doing the harm here?

If Alex Rodriguez cheats on his wife, is that really any of my business? Isn't that a private matter between Alex and Cynthia Rodriguez? Is he really the first professional athlete to ever do this? Why does his image have to be tainted over it?

The bottom line is that people are less interested and passionate about sports these days. And it's not the fault of stat-geeks. It's the fault of the mass media. They taint and destroy our heroes in favor of selling a few papers or driving up their ratings. The fact of the matter is that we're too involved in the private lives of strangers, and it's taking the fun out of sports.

As I've said before, I'm a Yankee fan, and I can remember what it was like to cheer for my team, and not feel guilty about it.

These days, I watch a Yankee game, and I feel like a moron for cheering for Jason Giambi and Andy Pettitte because they used steroids. And I feel stupid for pulling for A-Rod, because he cheats on his wife. And then Jeter comes up to bat, and I worry that he's too busy dating models to hit a baseball. Then Cano boots a ground ball and I wonder if it's because he's too busy thinking about ways to spend the money from his new contract!

We know too much about these people. I remember watching games and being 100% behind the guys on my team, being completely unaware of all the other bullshit, because it didn't matter. It wasn't too long ago. Was it?

I remember a story that I heard not too long ago, but for the life of me, I can't remember the name of the photographer involved. It centers around the 1971 "Fight of the Century" between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier. Frazier won the fight, handing Ali his first professional defeat that night.

And this photographer was in Ali's dressing room after the fight, look at a beaten Ali, a sight that the world had never seen before, and might never get the chance to see again. The self-proclaimed "Greatest of All-Time" had just been humbled, and several people in the room told this guy that he should take a picture, because it'd probably be worth "a million bucks."

The photographer refused, telling the people in the room that the world didn't need to see it.

Think about that for a second. Will something like that ever happen again?

Bill Plaschke: Right For All the Wrong Reasons!!!

Yup, that's the name of Bill's new book, due out next week.

Alternate titles included:

Bill Plaschke: Can I Has More Stupid?
Bill. Plaschke. Sentence. Fragment. Poems. For. Us. All.
And of course...
Bill Plaschke: If I Had a Normal Name, I'd Be Easier to Mock.

Just kidding, Bill isn't writing a book. Just more stupid shit.

He has saved day games, night games, winning streaks, road trips, confidence, face, butts and souls.

Who could we possibly be talking about? He's saved souls? And butts? This sounds like some kind of kickass Jesus with a machine gun!!! Or Rambo!! Yeah, RAMBO!!!!!

In giving the Angels the shirt off his back this season, Francisco Rodriguez has saved all but one thing.

How exactly, has he given them the shirt off his back, Bill? By pitching? That's sorta what he gets paid to do... so I'm not sure I follow where you're going with this. And what didn't he save?

The shirt off his back.

Umm.... wha? "In giving the Angels the shirt off his back this season, Francisco Rodriguez has failed to save the shirt off his back."

The English language just committed suicide. You fucking killed it Bill. Are you happy now?

Yes, his major league-record 58 saves is one of the coolest things to happen in Anaheim since Darin Erstad caught that final out.

Why do I get the feeling that Bill Plaschke's about to say something stupid.

For all this, the Angels should shake his hand and tell him two things. Good job, and goodbye.

Yeah, motherfucker!!! Hit the bricks!!!! Wait... wha? Ohhhh... I get it!! Because the closer is vastly overvalued in baseball economics, because all "closing" really is, is pitching an inning with a 3-run lead! Any reliever can do it! Why not pay a good middle reliever a quarter of the money and plug him in as the closer? Or bring up a fireballer from the minors to handle it!!

He has set the price, at five years, $15 million a year. He has set the tone, breaking a saves record that stood for 18 years.

Yeah, that's wayyyyy too much money to spend on 70 innings a year.

He's so ready to put himself on the open market, sometimes it seems as if he's already there, with post-save celebrations that highlight his individuality.

You lost me again. Let me get this straight, you're calling him selfish for having a freakishly good season and being happy about it? He's performing well... and because of that, he's "doing it all for himself and not the team?"

But more than any other statistic in the game, saves are a team stat. And even without their closer this season, here's guessing the Angels would be a first-place team.

I beg to differ. Wins are much more of a "team stat" than saves. RBIs are a big-time "team stat." And furthermore, here's guessing that we have no fucking CLUE where the Angels would be with Scot Shields closing ballgames. No clue.

If he really believes he will be better served playing for a manager who doesn't understand pitchers as well as Mike Scioscia, well, they should politely offer to have his head examined.

So wait... you're saying that he's saved 58 games this year... because Mike Scioscia understands pitchers? Bill, what's to fucking understand. He's their closer!!! Let me break it down for you.

They play 8 innings of baseball, with bats and balls and gloves, and they score points that are called runs... and when the 9th inning gets there, if a team is winning by 1, 2 or 3 runs... they bring in a pitcher called their "closer" to try to finish the game. If he succeeds in doing so without surrendering the lead at any point, he'd credited with what we call a "save."

Every manager in baseball understands this, Bill. Not just Mike Scioscia. When the game calls for the closer, Scioscia puts in his closer. It's not fucking science.

He is a historically incredible closer, but he's not as important to the team as a potential Angels free-agent slugger named Mark Teixeira, or a potential free-agent starter such as the Milwaukee Brewers' CC Sabathia.

Teixeira is going to cost them at least $20 Million a year, as he's firmly on the Yankees radar. After the giant contract they gave Torii Hunter last year, I doubt they're touching Teixeira.

And Sabathia's also going to command about $20 Million a year... and again, is firmly on the Yankees radar. They have $80 Million coming off the books. And the Angels have about 72 starting pitchers. So why the fuck would Sabathia be a bigger priority than F-Rod?

Closers get three outs. Closers do not hit three-run homers. Closers cannot pitch three-hit shutouts. Closers will never work three scoreless innings in relief. Closers get three outs, and only after everyone else has first done their job.

Fucking poetry. But here's the problem... if you let F-Rod go, who does his job next year? Who gets those three outs... after everyone else has done their jobs?

Scot Shields? Darren Oliver? Justin Speier? Or do you give the job to 24-year old Jose Arrendondo, who has the most impressive numbers, but has only worked 54 inning in his career? And who do you use to replace whoever slides down to the 9th inning?

Just for the record, what do you think is more demoralizing to a team?

Trailing from the first inning on and losing 8-3? Or having a 5-3 lead in the 9th inning and watching your closer blow it.... losing 8-3? Same score... but what has more of an impact?

Why don't you ask the 2007 Mets about this... better yet, why don't you ask the 2008 Mets about it? They're working on doing the same damned thing again... because they don't have a guy like F-Rod at the back-end.

Ultimately, Plaschke's right... $15 Million a year for a closer is insane... but if you're that team, do you really want to see how your season ends up without a real closer?

Cedric Benson? Really?

So we could finally have a winner in the "Who's Gonna Sign Cedric Benson" Sweepstakes!!!

The Detroit Lions are rumored to be interested in "I'm Not Ricky!"

Oh wait... they're only compiling a short list of backs in case one of their RB's go down... so I guess we'll have to wait a little longer to see Benson crashing into his linemen and then flopping drunkenly to the ground for a 4-yard loss.

Sorry for the false alarm guys. However, here's some video of Benson's better days in the league...



Oh, wait... that's not Cedric Benson. It's Jake "The Snake" Roberts!! My bad again guys...

Hat Tip to Scott McClain

It's not every day that a 36-year-old rookie, and veteran of 19 minor league seasons hits his first major league home run. But as you can see here, that's what Scott McClain finally did.

I just want to say, dude, it's about frickin' time. And yeah, sorta scratching my head about why this guy hasn't gotten a chance at the major league level.

Here's his page at BaseballCube.

In 1996, at 24 years old, he batted .281/.361/.458 with 17 homers in AAA for the Orioles. I guess he was sorta blocked there by B.J. Surhoff (McClain was listed as a Third Baseman).

Well, in 1997, McClain ends up in AAA for the Mets, where he goes .280/.370/.503 with 21 homers and 29 doubles... but the Mets had Edgardo Alfonzo at 3B.

Here's the kicker, in 1998 McClain's in the Tampa Bay Organization, at AAA Durham. He's still only 26 years old... and hits .299/.385/.589 with 34 homers and 35 doubles in 126 games... gets called up for a grand total of 20 at bats... and sent back down.

So who did the Rays have at 3rd Base in 1998 that blocked this guy?

If you guessed Bobby Smith, you're amazing!! Sadly, Bobby Smith completely sucked. Wade Boggs was also finishing out his career, but only saw 78 games at 3B that year.

Would have seemed to me that if you had a 26-year old 3rd baseman sitting in the minors, with developing power and pretty good plate discipline, you'd get him up there and get him an extended look, right? Even just to DH him!!! Who DH'd for Tampa that year?

Oh, that's right!! Paul Sorrento!!! He DH'd to the tune of .225/.313/.405 in 435 at bats.

As it stands, Scott McClain has hit 355 home runs over 19 minor league seasons. He's hit 30+ homers in 4 seasons and this year, in the minors with the Giants, he batted .307/.389/.566 with 22 more longballs. And he plays first base now.

Guys who've played first base/third base for The San Francisco Giants this year:

John Bowker: .246/.295/.395 with 9 homers and 70 K's in 301 at bats.
Rich Aurilia: .276/.325/.415 with 9 homers in 352 at bats, who's ALSO 36 years old.
Jose Castillo: .244/.290/.381 with 6 homers in 394 at bats.

Now look at McClain's line for the year again. Sure, he's 36, but why the frick not!? Right?

Pitch Counts are for Pussies!! Volume 37!!

Getting right to the point. Yup, Carlos Zambrano has a "tired arm" and has seen a drop-off in his velocity. He's 27, he's built like a brick shithouse... he's one of the guys that everybody mentions when they write stupid articles about how pitch counts are bad for baseball... because "Zambrano could throw 200 pitches" and "everybody should finish what they start."

Obviously we'll never know the exact reason that Zambrano's arm is bothering him. It could be as simple as one bad pitch and a tweak... or it could be the accumulation of work over 5 months of baseball, but humor me for a second here...

It could also be the fact that Zambrano's thrown as many as 130 pitches in a game this year. He's also been stretched to 125, 119, and 118.

The 125 and 118 were in back-to-back starts against the Marlins and Brewers on July 24th and July 29th, and since then, Zambrano's thrown 26 2/3rds innings and given up 22 earned runs. And despite his recent struggles, he was still extended to 119 pitches on August 15th.

So yeah, sure, probably coincidence, right?

Pitching coach Larry Rothschild said Zambrano isn't in any pain and his arm feels good.

Which is why he's missing starts and getting banged around when he pitches.

"It's just that he's gone through this every year the last four or five years, at a point in time where his arm feels a little bit heavy, tired," Rothschild said. "I think everybody goes through that, I think it's a little bit of a dead arm period.

Yeah, he goes through this every year. Sort of like how Mark Prior goes for Tommy John's surgery every year, it's just part of his routine! It's just a little bit of a dead arm.

You give a guy $90 Million Dollars, and then you abuse the shit out of him in the first year of his new contract? That seems like a great idea... or maybe it's why your team hasn't won anything since Larry King was born.

Dick Harden tag added, just because he's on the team and it makes me chuckle.