Thursday, January 22, 2009

A Post About Football Instead of Food!

No more Angry Whopper Jokes. Just this Whopper of a dumb article. Everybody say thank you to Gary Myers of the NY Daily News. Lets get to work on his "Ten Ways to Fix the Jets."

1. Fish for Tuna

Parcells? Why? So he can tap out their salary cap room, age their roster dramatically, quit before his contract ends and steal millions from their owner? Like he's done at every other job he's ever had? Yeah, great idea. Do that immediately.

2. Fond Farewell to Favre
3. Find a Game Manager

Ryan was on the 2000 Ravens staff that won the Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer and just went to the AFC title game with rookie Joe Flacco. He needs the Jets to run the ball, play defense and for the QB not to give it to the other team.

The 2000 Baltimore Ravens defense sucked with Trent Dilfer. They won the Super Bowl with one of the best defensive seasons in league history. This year, again, amazing defense, awful offense. It's why they lost to Pittsburgh.

So let me get this straight, you want him to make it a priority to have a bad offense!? Get a "game manager"? So on DAY FUCKING ONE... we're admitting that the Jets will NOT be a dynamic offensive football team. They're going to play field position, and rely completely on their defense to win games. That's your idea?

I've got a better idea. How about if the team builds a strong defense, but also tries to build a dynamic offense at the same time. That's seemed to work for teams in the past. The Jets need a playmaking wide receiver. You can't entirely blame Brett Farve for the season he had. He's got NOBODY to throw the ball to.

Here are the Jets top two receivers:

Laveranues Coles - 70 catches, 850 yards.
Jerricho Cotchery - 71 catches, 858 yards.

A couple of guys who average 4 catches and around 50 yards a game. Why? Because they don't get open and get in position to make plays. Give Favre a Terrell Owens or a Larry Fitzgerald and watch how fast he looks like a 29-year old quarterback again.

4. Reed All About It
Kerry Rhodes has Pro Bowl ability, but Mangini never put him in spots where he could be a playmaker. Ryan has told friends he wants to turn Rhodes into "No. 20," which means Ravens All-Pro safety Ed Reed.

Kerry Rhodes is a top-10 strong safety in the NFL. Ed Reed, however, is hands-down, the best strong safety in the NFL. The only way you're turning Kerry Rhodes into Ed Reed... is if you include a first-round draft pick and beg the Ravens to trade one for the other.

9. Personality Transplant
The Jets were fighting their own history as much as the other team as they started to lose their grip on the playoffs. Ryan must change the Same Old Jets culture.

Yeah, that Jets Losing Culture was absolutely fucking killing them after they beat the then-undefeated Titans, and were sitting at 8-3. If beating an undefeated team to get to 8-3 during the season doesn't break your "losing culture" then maybe you ought to just fucking quit. The team didn't fall apart because of the culture. They fell apart because their coach was a fucking idiot, their quarterback was throwing with a torn bicep, their wideouts were a joke and their running game was overrated.

So to summarize, we're going to make the Jets great by giving Bill Parcells some more money, signing a shitty quarterback to not put points on the board, telling the strong safety to get cornrows and change his number, and calling in a voodoo shaman to quash the bad ju-ju.

Sounds like a great plan Gary Myers.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Beating a Dead Burger

Yup, I'm gonna make fun of the Angry Whopper some more, because it amuses me. And I think it amuses you too. I've actually been working on a new ad campaign for the Angry Whopper, something to really get your attention when they show those stupid commercials 7,000 times during the Cards-Eagles game this weekend. So here's my list of things the Angry Whopper can promise to people who choose to eat it:

The Angry Whopper is going to take a dump in your left sneaker.
It's going to deflower your daughter and never call her.
If you're married, your spouse will consent to anal intercourse with the Angry Whopper. Even if they're not gay, and/or totally don't like it up the butt.
If you're single, the Angry Whopper just banged the girl of your dreams.
The Angry Whopper is so manly, it's going to make you crap out a fucking Panda bear, and then you're going to choke that fucking Panda bear to death even though it's an endangered species because the Angry Whopper has stolen your ability to give a fuck!
If you're Barack Obama, you won't get any change with your Angry Whopper.
If you're George W. Bush, the Angry Whopper is going to call a bunch of it's Angry Whopper friends and invite them over to circle jerk all over your last brain cell.
If you're a fucking Panda bear, you shouldn't even be reading this shit, so go fuck yourself Panda bear. Oh yeah, the Angry Whopper just ran over your fucking Panda children in it's Escalade.
Yes, a hamburger drives a fucking Escalade. And it doesn't care about gas mileage.
The Angry Whopper roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris to death.
If the Angry Whopper does not cause you to shit blood, you can punch this guy without having legal action taken against you.
The Angry Whopper doesn't consider sex kinky enough until it's violated your dog.
Despite what you may believe, the Angry Whopper is directly responsible for the assassinations of Presidents Lincoln & Kennedy, John Lennon, Dimebag Darrell, Selena, Harvey Milk, Malcolm X, Jesse James, William McKinley, and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (Happy MLK Day Everybody!)

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Slightly Annoyed Whopper?

So yeah, I got all excited about this Angry Whopper thing that Burger King's pushing on TV. I love me some spicy food, and the commercial is all like,


I ate the burger. It was pretty good. Not spicy enough to live up to the claims. And frankly, a burger with jalapenos, hot sauce, spiced onions and pepper jack cheese shouldn't have a problem being spicy enough. Just figured I'd let you guys know about this.

It's part of my 2009 goal to make this blog into a one-stop shop for all things useless. Well, I wouldn't call it a goal. I think I'm already succeeding on that one without trying.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

A Giant Playoff Collapse?

Gotta glance over this topic for a few lines. Hopefully this won't draw out into a long-winded post.

The media coverage today is centered on whether the New York Giants would have fared better with Plaxico Burress in the game against the Eagles on Sunday.

The answer is, very obviously, yes, they would have, simply because he commands double-coverage from the defense whenever he's on the field. Do the Giants win that game with him? Maybe, I guess... but probably not.

The burden of this loss should fall squarely on the Head Coach and the Offensive Coordinator as far as I'm concerned. And how do I intend to prove this? With a couple of simple stats, and a bit of common knowledge.

The word is that the wind conditions were rough at the Meadowlands on Sunday, and Eli Manning ALWAYS struggles in the wind. That's probably why the Giants were so good away from East Rutherford last season. And it's also probably why the best quarterback in Giants history, Phil Simms, only completed 55% of his passes for his career. The wind in North Jersey is a bitch. There's no denying that. And having a 6'5" receiver with the wingspan of a pterodactyl has to help a little.

But here's the bigger question... with the wind gusting, and Burress not out there drawing doubles, why did the Giants keep throwing the ball?

Brandon Jacobs ran the ball 19 times for 92 yards. He averaged 4.8 yards per carry. Derek Ward chewed up 46 yards on 12 carries for a 3.8 average. They were able to move the ball on the ground, especially with Jacobs.

Once you see Eli struggle in the first quarter, why doesn't the coach put the ball in Brandon Jacobs hands on every play? The Giants offensive line obviously loves to run-block, and they're great at it. And Jacobs goes 6'4" and over 260 lbs.

You let that guy slam himself into the defense... over... and over... and over again until the Philadelphia Eagles feel violated the way Ashley Dupre must have felt shortly before cashing one of Eliot Spitzer's checks.

You force the Philadelphia Eagles to stick 8 or 9 guys in the box to stop the run. And once they commit to that, you send in some play actions passes, and even Tom Coughlin could have suited up at wide receiver and snuck down the sideline for long completions.

Instead, the Giants ran 30 passing plays against 31 runs, maintaining a perfect offensive balance between the effective rushing game... and the completely ineffective passing game.

They did nothing to force the Eagles to adjust to them, instead allowing them to control the game, and ultimately the final score really doesn't show how one-sided things really were.

So yeah, now I guess the only thing to do is pull for the Arizona Cardinals. Why? Because Philadelphia just had the Phillies win something. Pittsburgh got one a couple of years ago. And I'd just feel like a schmuck cheering on the Cleveland Browns to win a Super Bowl for Baltimore. Plus it's Baltimore. I dunno. I don't like Baltimore. I've been there, it seems like a nice enough place. But I don't like it. So yeah, no Super Bowl for Baltimore.

Anyway, if teams that I like can't win a championship, I guess I'd rather see the wealth get spread around a bit. If the Cardinals actually have fans, they probably deserve a parade.

And for the record, if anybody can, in fact, confirm the existance of Arizona Cardinal fans, I'd love to hear about it.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Hall of Home-Field Advantage!!!

I probably don't need to tell you all that I'm upset that Jim Rice is getting into the Hall of Fame. You probably already know that. The fact that he's ever been considered a serious candidate makes me laugh, then bang my head against my keyboard, then laugh some more.

Having seen that he got 76.4% of the ballot today, I threw up a little bit in my mouth. So thanks for that. But why do I hate Rice so much? Do I remember his pricky attitude? Nope. Am I bias against Boston players? Not particularly. I hate them, but that's never stopped me from being objective about their value. Kevin Youkilis was awesome this year and should have won the MVP, and Dustin Pedroia is the new Derek Jeter. See?

So what's my problem with Rice, then? Simple. Look at these stats.

At Fenway: .320/.374/.546 (OPS+ 116, ), 208 HR, 207 2B
Everywhere else: .277/.330/.459 (OPS+ 85), 174 HR, 166 2B.

The man's batting average falls by 43 points away from Fenway, which reflects almost exactly in his OBP, then comes the bombshell. Almost a 100 point drop-off in slugging percentage.

At Fenway, Jim Rice was a beast. In every other ballpark in baseball, he was David fucking Dellucci!!!

On top of that, he ranks 6th in GIDPs, which is the highest he ranks in ANY OFFENSIVE STATISTIC for his career.

For his career, as an outfielder/DH, he finished up with 382 homers and 373 doubles, and a career OPS+ of 128 (which is skewered, because as you saw, his Fenway OPS+ as it relates to how well EVERYBODY hits there, is only 116).

Compare that to say... Andre Dawson, who hit 438 homers and 503 doubles, but gets held out because of his .279/.323/.482, and the fact that he played foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Point is, Dawson is borderline. Rice is borderline. You can't let borderline guys like this into the hall... because they're the criteria that we judge other players by.

If a guy has considerably better numbers than Rice, he probably deserves to go in. Now... Rice is in... so technically speaking, a guy with the same exact numbers, in an offensive haven should get in. Dawson should go. Hell, while we're at it, why don't we let Don Mattingly in there!!!

Sure, he really only had 6 good years, and finished with only 222 homers, but come onnnnn!! He's Donnie Baseball!! And he actually hit like 70 more doubles than Jim Rice, and bounced into like 500 less double plays!! And his OPS+ of 127 is only a point worse than Rice's 128! Cut the guy some slack! He declined sharply and retired at 34!!

Just to clarify, I'm not seriously suggesting that Don Mattingly be allowed into the Hall of Fame without a ticket. I'm just explaining the damage that bullshit like this does. This is the kind of typical, obvious Boston-bias that's turning people against the game of baseball. It's ESPN-driven hype at it's finest. And if not, then it's proof that the election system is seriously flawed and some real criteria needs to be added by which players are judged.

Because most of these voters are plainly retarded.

Case in point. The guy who doesn't think Rickey Henderson is a Hall of Famer.

In case it needs stating, here's Henderson's Hall resume:

.279/.401/.419 (OPS+ 127), 297 HR, 510 2B, 3055 H, 1406 SB, 1406 RBI and 2190 BB

Jesus fucking Christ... even Rickey's close to Rice's home run total.