Friday, January 16, 2009

Beating a Dead Burger

Yup, I'm gonna make fun of the Angry Whopper some more, because it amuses me. And I think it amuses you too. I've actually been working on a new ad campaign for the Angry Whopper, something to really get your attention when they show those stupid commercials 7,000 times during the Cards-Eagles game this weekend. So here's my list of things the Angry Whopper can promise to people who choose to eat it:

The Angry Whopper is going to take a dump in your left sneaker.
It's going to deflower your daughter and never call her.
If you're married, your spouse will consent to anal intercourse with the Angry Whopper. Even if they're not gay, and/or totally don't like it up the butt.
If you're single, the Angry Whopper just banged the girl of your dreams.
The Angry Whopper is so manly, it's going to make you crap out a fucking Panda bear, and then you're going to choke that fucking Panda bear to death even though it's an endangered species because the Angry Whopper has stolen your ability to give a fuck!
If you're Barack Obama, you won't get any change with your Angry Whopper.
If you're George W. Bush, the Angry Whopper is going to call a bunch of it's Angry Whopper friends and invite them over to circle jerk all over your last brain cell.
If you're a fucking Panda bear, you shouldn't even be reading this shit, so go fuck yourself Panda bear. Oh yeah, the Angry Whopper just ran over your fucking Panda children in it's Escalade.
Yes, a hamburger drives a fucking Escalade. And it doesn't care about gas mileage.
The Angry Whopper roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris to death.
If the Angry Whopper does not cause you to shit blood, you can punch this guy without having legal action taken against you.
The Angry Whopper doesn't consider sex kinky enough until it's violated your dog.
Despite what you may believe, the Angry Whopper is directly responsible for the assassinations of Presidents Lincoln & Kennedy, John Lennon, Dimebag Darrell, Selena, Harvey Milk, Malcolm X, Jesse James, William McKinley, and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (Happy MLK Day Everybody!)

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