Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Braves Are Ready to Make Their Run Now!!!!

Yes indeed! The Atlanta Braves are ready to make their run at a playoff spot now that they've ridded themselves of the awesomeness of Mark Teixeira!!

His .283/.390/.512 with 20 homers and 78 RBI was absolutely crushing their chances.

But now that they've dumped that bum, and replaced him with gritty, awesome Casey Kotchman and his much more average .287/.327/.448 (with 12 homers and 54 RBI), they can get back to their winning ways!! Although, just to be clear, Kotchman is no Scott Thorman!!

I point this out only because of yesterday's article, where it was pointed out that since the acquisition of Teixeira, the Braves winning percentage had actually dropped from like .521 to .482 as though that was Texy's fault.

I just want to say though, if there are any aspiring GMs out there, always know that the best way to improve your team and build a winner is to get rid of anybody with an EqA above .300. In Tex's case, he's at .305 right now, and that's terrible. It's not a team-first number.

Casey Kotchman's 2008 EqA of .260 is a much more team-first number. It builds a sense of unity in your clubhouse when guys are of the understanding that everybody on their baseball team is equally average. It forces them to all depend on one-another, because nobody is good enough to single-handedly carry the team.

When you have talent on your team... guys like Pujols, A-Rod, Teixeira, Utley, etc., the prevailing wisdom in the clubhouse is that it's okay to just clog up the basepaths and wait for the 3-run homer. Many believe that this is the fault of A's GM, Billy Beane. Ever since he wrote MoneyBall, people seem to want talented players on their team.

But not the Braves. Nope!! They're building on guys who can be replaced by Miguel Cairo. That's why they were so fucking awesome for so long.

Or maybe it had something to do with Maddux, Smoltz and Glavine. Shit, I don't know now.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

What Am I Doin' In Jersey!?

Yup... I stole that tag line from George Carlin. And here's why!

Dan Graziano! I don't know anything about the man. Where do we begin?

Contrary to the denials that made the rounds Monday, officials from both teams say the Mets have contacted the Red Sox about Manny Ramirez and are interested in pursuing a deal for him if Boston decides to make him available.

Sorta like in 2005, when the Mets could have gotten Manny for Lastings Milledge and Mike Cameron? Anybody still think refusing that deal was a good idea? Going once? Going twice? Didn't think so.

The Red Sox suspect that GM Omar Minaya wants Ramirez more than Mets ownership does.

Whoa... a GM who's constructed the oldest 97.85% Latin team in baseball history is interested in adding a 36 year old Dominican? You're shocking me here.

Point here is... the Mets need Manny. The guy can flat-out rake. He's old, he's cranky, he doesn't always feel like playing baseball, but he can flat-out rake and with him they're a better team than without him. They should do whatever it takes to get him.

Sadly, they probably don't have anything that Boston wants. They don't have quality bullpen arms. They don't have substantial upgrades at any position except...

Jose Reyes. So here's the question... if you're the Mets, do you hate Jose Reyes enough to trade a potential 10 years of .298/.362/.493 and a ton of extra base hits and stolen bases... for two years of .304/.400/.538 and a bunch more homers?

The Sox would probably asshump the notion of a deal that sent Manny and Julio Lugo to the Mets, in exchange for say... Jose Reyes and top prospect Fernando Martinez. Are the Mets desperate enough to win this year? Who cares. Here's why I picked this article....

PLAYER OF THE DAY
MARK TEIXEIRA, Atlanta 1B

Blah blah blah... the Braves are looking to trade Teixeira. So why don't you point out some stupid coincidental fact.

Key stat: The Braves were 56-51 when they acquired Teixeira at last year's deadline. Since then, they are 77-83.

Bingo!! It's Mark Teixeira's fault that the Braves have gotten slightly worse. Their hefty .523 winning percentage dropped to a dismal .481 winning percentage because of Mark Teixeira's beastly .295/.392/.550ish (because I'm doing rough estimates here) line, and his ugly 37 homers and 134 runs batted in, in 157 games as a Brave!!

Where have you gone, Scott Thorman?! Come back and save us from a first baseman who can actually hit a baseball!!!! We need your grit and hustle to counterbalance all of Texy's selfish, me-first home runs and RBIs!!!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Why Aren't There Updates Lately?!

Because I'm a lard ass. To be entirely honest, there's been quite a lot going on in my life of late. I'm working on getting a place with my lovely girlfriend, which is being hindered by the fact that my current roommates are doing everything in their power to fuck up my life and syphon money out of my wallet like vampires. So yeah, I've been pretty stressed out about that, which has seriously decreased my writing inspiration.

To the 400 or so people who check this every day, don't worry guys. I'll get back to form. Most likely sooner, rather than later. Have faith in me. And if you find something that you think I'd enjoy tearing apart, e-mail it to me for chrissake!! Tell me what you fuckers want!!!

the e-mail's primeoffense@yahoo.com if you didn't already know.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Point Shaving the History Books?

Yes!! This is actually slightly football related! Steelers-related!!!

Anybody remember the final score of the Steeler's first round playoff game against the Buffalo Bills in 1975? Well... the answer is no. Nobody remembers. Nobody remembered when the rings were made either... because they screwed it up.

To answer this important (see: irrelevant) piece of trivia, the final score of that game was 32-14.

The jewelers engraved 32-6. This obviously means one of two things.

1) This was an honest mistake about a fact that absolutely nobody cares about, especially after their team wins the Super Bowl.

Or...

2) It was a conspiracy!! Perpetrated by the people who designed and made the ring to defraud their buddies out of money lost!! It's very obvious to me, that these Steeler fans were so confident that they agreed to a point spread in the range of 19 to 25. And they bet big!!!

The final score of 32-14 meant a cushion of only 18 points, and thus, the Steelers didn't cover the agreed-upon point spread. So the jewelers in question crossed their fingers and prayed the Steelers would win it all... as they secretly avoided their buddies and bookies for weeks at a time... watching... waiting for their chance. And then the Steelers won the big game...

"Here it is!! Plain as day!! The Championship ring says they won that game by 26!! They covered!!! Pay up!!!", screamed eager cheating Steelers fans!!!

"But what about the score in the papers!?", proclaimed the bookies!!

"Probably a typo!!! Too bad we have no internet to rely upon for worthless fact such as this!!!" claimed those bastard Steeler-fan jewelers!!

"Yeah! I sure hope Al Gore invents a method for me to read the angry ramblings of half-witted people, and check the scores of football games from 30+ years ago. Oh... and umm... it'd be kind of nice if they did something with porn too." agreed the bookies.

Okay, okay... so it was probably just an innocent mistake.

Monday, July 21, 2008

A Golf Article? Yup, Making Fun of the Shark!

Here it is.

More interestingly, is that this is the headliner for Yahoo!'s entire sports section. The front page proclaims "The new Shark!"

And the caption under a picture of Greg Norman says,

"Contrary to all those heartbreaking losses, Greg Norman gave golf fans a week they should always cherish."

Yes!! A week in which he played valiantly, gave it his all, and inevitably lost. After shooting 70, 70 and 72, he closed with a 77, gagging away a shot at a championship with another awful Sunday, but that's not how Brian Murphy feels about this, no, not at all!!

Greg Norman: Sunday choker. Aren't those the words we’re supposed to etch on his career tombstone?

Yes, Brian Murphy. Yes they are.

Except, this was different, this Sunday at Birkdale.

Because he didn't choke away a multi-stroke lead? Because he won?

This was no choke at all.

Okay... he had the lead after 63 holes. That's 3 1/2 rounds. That means that he lost the lead on the last 9 holes. And just to clarify, he shot a 77 in the last round. To find a score worse than Norman's 77, you have to slide all the way down the leaderboard to KJ Choi, Simon Wakefield and Alexander Noren. Choi's in a 3-way tie for 16th. Noren and Wakefield are in a 600-way tie for 19th.

Funny thing is... Choi, Wakefield and Noren started the day tied for 2nd, 4th, and tied for 5th. Sure looks like they choked too.

HOWEVER.... the leaders all start the course around the same time, don't they? So maybe a case can be made that the conditions of the course were bad. That the winds changed, or the little fat gopher from Caddyshack was running rampant and Bill Murray was blowing up the golf course with plastic explosives? Is that what you're trying to say Brian?

He came to Birkdale for fun, and for memories, and to get ready for the Senior British Open at Troon, and to wind down his honeymoon with the former Miss Evert.

Yeah, see? It's the conditions. He had to play... wait... WHAT?! So like what dude?! He didn't really want to fucking win!? He didn't really care about exorcising the demons of the fact that he's the biggest choker in the history of professional golf... by winning a Major!?!

Nooooo... you're right. It's not a choke, because he never expected or planned to win. He was just there to paddleboard with Pierce fucking Brosnan and celebrate the premier of Mamma Mia!!!!

Hey Brian... maybe the pressure of the fact that this guy has always, always, ALWAYS....

A. L. W. A. Y. S.

choked in the last rounds of majors, and the $1.5 Million purse, and the thousands of screaming fans and the pressure of being in the drivers seat on Sunday came down on him a little hard. Maybe his grip got a little too tight, and his hands got a little too shaky. Maybe he choked.

Or maybe it had something to do with why the 1st, 2nd, 4th and 5th place golfers after 3 rounds all shot terribly. Maybe the conditions were bad.

Maybe Harrington really stepped up and played well in bad conditions, while Norman, Choi, Wakefield, Noren, Anthony Kim, Ben Curtis and Ross Fisher (all of whom started the day within the top 5) got swallowed up by poor conditions, difficult winds, etc.

I'm not a golf pro here. I'm speculating about some of this, using a set of scores to take an educated guess.

I will, however, GUARANTEE that the reason Greg Norman lost was NOT that "he didn't really want to win, and it wasn't a priority for him."

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Colbert Report Blooper?

Did I spell that correctly? Am I supposed to write Colberrrrrr Reporrrrrr? Without the T's? Whatever. Check this out. Rush makes their first appearance on American TV in 33 years.

And Stephen Colbert runs onto the stage during their performance, thinking that the song is over. Then says what sounds like "oh... shit" and runs back off. He then goes to a very hesitant commercial break.

I guess they're saying that this was a joke, and all intentional. Either way, it's hysterical. And I get to post about Rush!! Check out that drum-kit!! That's killer sick dude!!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Maybe He Did a Papel-Bong Hit...

Obviously I'm a Red Sox-hater. I should probably clarify my stance on 'The Rivalry' at some point anyway, so I'll just touch on it briefly here.

I'm not exactly a Sox-hater. I'm well-aware of the history of both of these teams. I love the game of baseball and pride myself on being somewhat knowledgeable about it. And some of the best conversations about the sport that I've ever had, have been with Red Sox fans.

Every team, especially the Sox and the Yankees, have their bandwagon fans. Those guys know nothing about the team, they're arrogant, they're cocky, and they make everybody look bad. That's probably 80+% of the people who claim to be Yankee fans, and at least 75% of the guys who have "membership cards to Red Sox Nation" and shit. I fucking hate bandwagon fans.

But on to the good stuff.

"My wife is pregnant and she's getting her life threatened. It's frigging stupid," Papelbon said during an expletive-laced session with reporters. "I feel like I needed to be in a bullet-proof car."

Shit man!! That's fucked up!! Did Jonathan Papelbon just visit Iraq to distribute kittens to the soldiers or something?

Ohhhh... he was at the parade in New York City yesterday!! Wait.. what? Umm... dude, your wife didn't get her life threatened. Stop exaggerating and stop being a stupid cunt. Your wife got boo'd. Are we really supposed to cry you a river about this?

Nobody rushed the vehicle. Nobody threw anything at you. This celebration wasn't NEARLY as raucous as the one that occurred after Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS, which is to say that while fans in BOSTON might feel it's necessary to kill someone as a means of celebration...

Yankee fans have a pretty good track record over the last 12 years, seeing as they watched their team win 4 World Championships... and didn't KILL anybody. So seriously dude, shut the fuck up. People are entitled to boo you. You're a tool.

"I don't really give a shit anymore," he said. "If I don't even fucking pitch, I don't care."

Just for the record... if Papelbon didn't fucking pitch, the AL probably wouldn't have needed 15 innings to win the game. Especially with Billy "We Are Gonna Need Extra Runs" Wagner on the hill for the NL.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Anti-All Star Team?

Yup, somebody made one. And of course, it's stupid. Thank you, Scott Miller. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life writing about tennis and soccer. For a brief moment, I thought stupidity in baseball was on the down-turn.

On a side note, this article has already been talked about on FireJoeMorgan but you're here, so you get my take on it. Their take on it's probably funnier.

There is no voting for this All-Star team. Only pity.

To rephrase: There is no voting for this All-Star team. Only the asinine opinion of one man.

Oh, the horror! The humanity! The trashed hopes, dashed dreams and downright incorrigible incompetence!

Okay, so that's what we're looking for. Trashed hopes, downright incompetence. Got it.

First base: Richie Sexson, free agent

Whatever you do, don't read the nutritional label posted on Sexson's packaging! The fat and calories alone in his $14 million salary this season would drive most consumers toward immediate angioplasty.

Umm... huh? Fat and calories in his contract? Let me say this nicely... what the FUCK are you talking about? Sexson's having a shitty year, and he just got released because of it... but his numbers are actually slightly BETTER than they were last year (while Seattle was winning 88 games and competing for the wild card.) But you're right. The problem is clearly the amount of trans fat somehow associated with the money they pay him. If his contract had some protein escalators, and maybe a few B12 incentives, then everything would be gravy. You like those nutritional metaphors, don't you? Admit it.

Second base: Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee

As Milwaukee scraps and battles, Weeks far too often couldn't find first base if you gave him a map, a copy of Abner Doubleday's rules and walked him halfway there. Not that he's having a difficult season, but at midweek he was hitting .207 with 61 punch-outs and 36 walks.

Really? That's your anti-All Star at second base? His .217/.320/.367 with 8 homers isn't very good... but there's gotta be somebody worse at second base... the black hole of offensive production in baseball.

How about Pittsburgh's Freddy Sanchez and his Herculean .226/.251/.304 with 5 homers? Or Nat's Felipe Lopez with his .233/.308/.312 and 2 jacks? Or maybe Juan Uribe at .219/.269/.349? Nah, you're right. Lets go with Weeks. He strikes out a lot. These other guys are probably moving baserunners with their clutch, team-first groundouts to the pitcher.

Shortstop: Jose Reyes, Mets.
The most egregious sin for anyone blessed with this much talent -- baseball player, pianist, painter -- is to not get the most out of it. Right now, that's Reyes. Sure, his numbers are respectable. But this guy has the tools to be great. And he won't put out to get there.


Won't put out to get there? I think you should ask Mike Lupica about that. I'm CONSTANTLY talking about instances of Reyes putting out for men on that website. Seems that not a day goes by that it's not brought up in some form.

But let me get this straight. His .302/.367/.487 with 43 extra base hits and 32 stolen bases isn't the problem. The problem is... that he has the tools to be great, but he won't blow Carlos Delgado? Richie Sexson has too much cholesterol to be a part of a balanced winning diet... and Jose Reyes won't put out? Do you have any fucking idea what you're talking about any more Scott Miller? The Anti-All Star Team, dammit!!! FOCUS!!!

Third base: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees.
He's in line for a lifetime contract as an Anti All-Star after his incredibly selfish -- and not forgotten -- act of opting out of his Yankees contract during the Red Sox's World Series-clinching victory last fall.
First he stole the thunder from the World Series, now he's grabbing the spotlight at the All-Star Game with Madonna. Can't wait to see what he pulls for next spring's World Baseball Classic.

So the entire basis of this selection is... that you don't like him? The opt-out during the World Series was stupid. It's long-since over and done with, but feel free to hold that against A-Rod forever. While you're hating him, he'll be drinking the Material Milkshake (yes, that was a bad Madonna joke) and hitting 50 homers a year on his way to being baseball's home run king. I'm sure he's shitting his pants about being included on the anti-Star team.

Left field: Paul McAnulty, San Diego.
Finally and mercifully optioned to Triple-A Portland this week, McAnulty has spent most of this season as Poster Boy for the bullheaded philosophies of Padres president Sandy Alderson, assistant Paul DePodesta and others in the executive offices who have made a shambles of this one-time NL West contender.


PAUL DEPODESTA!!!!!! It's his fault!!! Him and his fucking computer geeky computer science programs in his mother's basement!!! McAnulty's seen 164 plate appearances and he's been pretty bad (.207/.341/.341) but not really much worse than the other options:

Scott Hairston: .259/.305/.506
Justin Huber: .246/.303/.393
Callix Crabbe: .176/.282/.206

At least McAnulty gets on base at a roughly average rate. These other guys are fucking awful. The whole team is awful. And poor. Khalil Greene is OPSing .593 (and didn't make the cut for this retarded team.) Who's fault is all of this? Paul DePodesta. Naturally.

What's obvious is this: They are force-feeding antiquated philosophies that peaked during the Steroid Era (collect guys who can get on base and then the occasional three-run homer will take you home) in a park where they don't fit in an era when successful baseball teams have figured out you need multi-dimensional players to succeed.

New theory: Moneyball was the product of the Steroid Era.

Scott Miller tells us that the philosophy is to collect guys who can get on base and then pray for the 3-run homer. Let me try to more accurately explain this set of ideas for you.

In the game of baseball, a team is allotted 27 outs at a rate of 3 per inning. The idea is to score as many runs as possible while making as few outs as possible. Computer geek assholes like Paul DePodesta believe that if you get a bunch of guys who make LESS OUTS than the average player... by hitting or drawing walks... you increase the number of chances to score runs before making your 27 outs. They also believe that these players, because they can draw walks, will see more pitches, hence tiring the opposing team's pitchers and getting into their bullpen, thus putting a strain on the opponent's pitching staff.

Now that I've explained the fundamentals of the fucking game of baseball to a man who writes about it for a living... I'm going to move on. Moneyball has nothing the fuck to do with steroids. It has to do with the fact that most people (see: Scott Miller) still look at the game of baseball as though this is the 1920's. The game has changed, our understanding of the mechanics of the game has improved, and thus, teams are going in different directions to maximize their offensive potential and win games. Paul McAnulty is a bad baseball player. That doesn't make the philosophy wrong.

Center field: Andruw Jones, Dodgers

Freeway gridlock, smog and bad Dodgers contracts are the scourge of Los Angeles, and right now, Jones' deal takes the cake (and then eats it). For $36.2 million over two years, Jones at midweek was hitting .168 with two homers, eight RBI, 50 strikeouts and only 21 walks in 145 at-bats. Ouch.

But not one mention of Ned Coletti. You know... the genius smarty smart baseball man who replaced Paul DePodesta in Los Angeles... and signed superstars like Jason Schmidt, Andruw Jones and Juan Pierre to contracts, that combined, exceed the Gross National Product of Nigeria.

Right field: Paul O'Neill, Yankees

Let me summarize. Scott Miller thinks Paul O'Neill is an asshole... because he didn't rush to the defense of LaTroy Hawkins, who decided to wear his #21. Yankee fans didn't appreciate Hawkins choice of number, or his shitty pitching, and booed him. And it was O'Neill's job to defend the guy.

So does that mean that if Barry Larkin gives money to charity, that he can start at shortstop for the All-Star Team? Even though he's retired and hasn't played baseball this year? Do I need to point out how fucking moronic it is to pick a retired player for this list? I hope not.

The rest of this list is more stupid opinion bullshit... Shawn Chacon, Eric Gagne... not because they suck as players... but because Gagne was in the Mitchell Report, and Chacon attacked his GM.

Why are these people paid to write about baseball? Best answer wins a prize...

Monday, July 14, 2008

Somewhere, A-Rod is Smiling...

And no, this isn't another Madonna joke.

Vai Sikahema beat the shit out of Jose Canseco in a celebrity boxing match in Atlantic City, much to the joy of... well... everybody.

Sikahema, for those of you who don't know, was running back/kick returner for the Eagles, Cardinals and Packers. He was a two-time Pro Bowl special teamer. And these days I guess he does some broadcasting and sports direction for NBC.

To make Sikahema even cooler... he donated his $5,000 purse to the family of fallen Philly Cop, Stephen Liczbinski, which means two things.

1) Sikahema is something of a virtuous and kind guy and...
2) He basically kicked Jose Canseco's ass for free.

Although if he can find a way to bottle and sell "what it feels like to punch Jose Canseco", I'm rather confident he'll never have to worry about money.

Friday, July 11, 2008

It's really only about $270,000.00 US Dollars...

And now, the dumb salary-related argument made by a professional athlete in any sport since Latrell Sprewell publicly wondered how he'd feed his family on only $7 Million a year.

Yup, Cristiano Ronaldo is likening his current plight of being stuck in a contract that only pays him 120,000 pounds a week for a team that he doesn't want to play for... to slavery!

That's better than a quarter of a million dollars a week. A WEEK. A fucking week!!! If this blog made 1% of that a week, I'd be a pig in shit dancing on rooftops!! And he's comparing himself to a slave.

Do we need to sit back and explain the dynamics of "slavery"? Because no part of it involves prancing around in little shorts and kicking a fucking soccer ball. Obviously, as I am American, I have minimal respect for the game of soccer.

I played it briefly when I was 10. I got kicked in the nuts. I hated it. And I quit and joined a baseball team instead.

It's been a bad few weeks for guys whos names involve Ronaldo, hasn't it? I mean, what with the other one getting caught with tranny hookers and all.

Congrats Cristiano, you're the official recipient of the Trojan ENZ Boner of the Week Award! Just don't show it to the other Ronaldo. He might try to proposition it for sex.

Nights on the Town and One Liners

Did a bit of barhopping last night with a couple of good friends and my lovely girlfriend. The line of the night is uttered after the hostess at the first place decides to hassle us over some bullshit, and it was as follows:

"Wow, that bitch is so anal retentive, I hear that the last guy who stuck it in her butt still hasn't gotten his dick back."

Call me crude, but I was hugely amused by this remark. And also, perhaps, if the video becomes fully available to me... you MIGHT get to see Mister Six and his buddy rocking out "In the End" by Linkin Park at a karaoke bar. Yup... slim possibility.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Hypocrite of the Day!

Cynthia Rodriguez doesn't want publicity. Which is obviously why she's talking to the biggest gossip columnist in the entirety of New York. Cindy Adams.

A-Rod's wife wants no publicity. She does not want to speak out.

Lets make a list of ways to avoid publicity.

1) Keep a low profile... as opposed to say... taking a hugely publicized trip to Paris and staying with Lenny Kravitz.
2) Don't talk to reporters... as opposed to say... speaking to Cindy Adams, the biggest gossip columnist in the entirety of New York.
3) Don't do anything flashy... like being seen shopping and spending large amounts of the money you're going to try to snatch from your husband.

Here's a very short list of ways to not speak out.

DON'T FUCKING SPEAK OUT!!! It's not that difficult. And you're a giant hypocrite. In fact... hypocrisy is usually saying one thing, and then doing another. Does it count as being a hypocrite when you say one thing WHILE IN THE PROCESS OF DOING THE OTHER?

She wants only to hide from the army of paparazzi camped in front of her.

Yeah, because the paparazzi are obviously terrified of Lenny Kravitz... as proven by the 6.4 million stories about him in US Weekly, People Magazine, TMZ and every glossy on the planet.

Ask again, you mean she's saying she really still loves her womanizing husband and what comes back is, Cynthia Rodriguez is "not out to mutilate him."

Of course she's not out to mutilate him! If he were to be mutilated, he wouldn't be able to continue playing baseball, and she wouldn't be able to demand half of the $300 Million Dollar contract he just signed!!!

She is also of a mind that he maybe, mistakenly, took her 13 years of dedication as a sign of weakness.

She met him when he was fucking 19. She's got a degree in psychology. He's got daddy issues out the ass, and is probably one of the most insecure human beings in human history. Is it even slightly possible that this lecherous cunt simply used her knowledges as a way to latch onto a guy who was obviously going to make a LOT of money playing baseball?

The word from the other side is that she's RARELY seen at Yankee Stadium and she NEVER travels with the team!! So let me ask you this... if your husband was probably the most lusted-after man in professional sports... and you wanted to keep him... would you let him spend roughly THREE MONTHS out of every year on the road by himself?

Famous athletes cheat on their wives? Really!? Are you kidding me?! I'm not saying that she PLANNED THIS... but I definitely think it worked out in her favor.

She has come to the realization he's changed. He is no longer the same man she grew desperately to love.

Yeah, she loved the guy who was 19 years old and making peanuts with the Seattle Mariners. She loved him, because any idiot could have told you that he was going to grow up to be the highest paid player in baseball history. Now he's matured... and she's cashing out.

Ask why that might be her attitude and you're told: Last year's front-page story of his affair with another woman caused her so much "pain" that she simply - the way it's put is - "refuses to go there again."

Why?! Because he went to a strip club? With a woman? Let me state this as calmly as I possibly can.

HE'S A PROFESSIONAL FUCKING ATHLETE!!! THEY GO TO STRIP CLUBS!!! IF THIS BITCH HAD TAKEN A ROAD TRIP TO TORONTO WITH HIM... HE'D HAVE GONE TO A STRIP CLUB WITH HER INSTEAD!!! BUT SHE DIDN'T!!!

And another thing... have you fucked every person you've ever gone to a strip club with? I most certainly haven't! If A-Rod was looking for a piece of ass, he could walk into a strip club, write a check, and they'd CLOSE DOWN the entire place and all the girls in it would take turns licking his balls. HE'S THAT FUCKING RICH!! Why doesn't anybody need proof to hang this guy by his scrotum?

Cynthia's lawyers, Earle Lilly and John Van Ness, allude to deeper issues where their client's husband is concerned. They use words like "narcissism" and "ego" and "not healthy."

No fucking way... you mean her DIVORCE LAWYERS are saying that he's fucked up? Well then it must be true! It's not like they've got a 30% stake in the divorce settlement or something. And it's not like 30% of that settlement is going to be worth upwards of $100 Million Dollars.

Oh, wait a second... it's EXACTLY LIKE THAT! They're DIVORCE LAWYERS!! What do you expect them to say? That her REFUSAL to go on road trips and support her husband in his chosen profession amounts to ABANDONMENT? That she forced him into the arms of other women by neglecting him for six months out of every year?

She does admit to trusted friends she'll be there for him the day he cracks up because she knows it's going to be - the words used are - "an ugly thing."

I'm sorry... didn't she start by saying that she had NO MALICE? This sure fucking sounds like malice.

She KNOWS that without her, Alex Rodriguez is going to crash and burn... but it's okay, because she'll be there to help him pick up the pieces. Sure sounds like she's hoping his life goes to shit once she's gone... and last I checked, that's malice.

Here's my take on this situation. Ron White said it best.

"You can't NOT fuck me. I'll fuck someone else. I know! I've seen me do it!!"

Words to live by, seriously. This guy is the most famous baseball player in the world. He's by himself... all season. 95% of the women that he meets every day, are willing to give him sex. And his wife is NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

As a man, it's hard enough to avoid temptation when someone offers sex... because lets face it. Women don't just go around offering sex to us. We have to jump through a few hoops to get laid. Now imagine that you're supposed to be faithful to your wife... but for SIX MONTHS out of every year... you don't really see her. Then imagine that 9 out of every 10 women that you meet on a daily basis, offer to fuck you. Could you stay faithful? For how long?

Now imagine that you're the most famous baseball player on the planet... and you have the ego, and sense of entitlement that he MUST have acquired by now.

Nevermind the fact that nobody's PROVEN that A-Rod cheated.

When Madonna tried to suck A-Rod's cock... Cynthia Rodriguez should have already BEEN there sucking his cock like, "No Madonna, I've got this. You can toss his salad if you really want to help though."

Jon Heyman's Debut!!!

Yes, ladies and germs!! I'm covering my first Jon Heyman article ever! How has it taken so long? I can't honestly tell you. I probably should have drank from this well as quickly as possible. And right off the bat, we have our first piece of contradicting logic.

CC Sabathia was a great deal for the Brewers, and a big deal, as well. And Rich Harden looks like a pretty good response from the rival Cubs

Sabathia was a nice grab... until you consider how much the Brewers gave up for 3 months of a pitcher they're never going to be able to re-sign. And I hate the Rich Harden deal. Not because of what the Cubs gave up, but because it's Harden. The guy owns a fucking CONDO on the DL. You really want to add one of the most injury-prone pitchers in all of baseball... to a team with a fragile ego, in a city that thinks it's cursed?

(although one scout said he's noticed Harden's velocity dipping from 93-97 to 89-91 his last two outings, raising concern about whether he's unsound again).

Jon Heyman just said he liked the deal. And less than a sentence later, he points out the fact that Harden's probably hurt again. So what you're saying, Jon, is that it would be good for the Cubs to acquire damaged goods in trade?

Sabathia and Ben Sheets give the Brewers a formidable top of the rotation, and at seemingly little cost, too.

The Brewers gave up Matt LaPorta in this deal. He was their #1 draft pick last year. And in his first 112 minor league games, he's hit 32 homers and batted .294/.395/.616 (OPS 1.011). Could you imagine a lineup with Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun and this guy each hitting 40 homers a year for the next 10 years? Well don't bother... because the Brewers gave him away for 3 months of CC Sabathia. That's not a "seemingly little cost." That's a massive fucking cost Jon Heyman!

Only a day later, Harden -- one of the best pitchers in baseball when healthy -- was paired with Carlos Zambrano to match Milwaukee's tandem.

Only a day later, the Cubs got someone who'll pitch in Chicago for less time than Sabathia will pitch in Milwaukee. Harden makes Mark Prior look like Cal Ripken, Jr.

If the Rockies do decide to do some Holliday shopping -- and the chances are still better than not that they keep him -- some logical landing spots would include the Angels, followed possibly by the Mets and Yankees,

The Angels want another outfielder? You mean Vlad Guerrero, Torii Hunter, Gary Matthews, Garret Anderson, Juan Rivera and Reggie Willits aren't enough? Yeah, they sound like they'd be BIG TIME players for ANOTHER outfielder. Wayyy bigger than the Mets (with Church and Alou hurt) or the Yankees (with Damon and Matsui down).

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Celebrity Stuff? Really? Yeah.

This is just too silly not to mention.

Sting's (the singer, not the wrestler) daughter was hanging out with Pete Doherty.

Or another way of saying this, would be to say that Coco's shacking up with Cokehead.

Doherty, for those of you who don't keep up with the irrelevant British pseudo-celebrity circuit as closely as I apparently do.... is the guy who Kate Moss was dating when she got caught doing her best Tony Montana impression.

He's also got some ties to Amy Winehouse of late, and known addictions to like... shit, I'm not making a list. That could take days. Oh, and he also sings for some shitty emo/imposter punk band that nobody listens to.

Word on the actual story is that Sting's daughter is 17, and shared a tent with Doherty at the Glastonbury music festival, but it's okay, he's only 29. And addicted to crack, coke, heroin and ketamine. And admittedly worked as a gay prostitute to support his habit.

So yeah, Sting's daughter is 'involved' with a guy who used to suck dick for crack. Take it away, Sagat!!!



Beautifully said, thank you Bob.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Proof That Steroids Are a Non-Story!

Look out everybody, Barry Bonds is due to join a contending lineup in the near-future!! Why? Because whether or not you've taken massive amounts of PEDs no longer matters at all! Proof you say? I've got your proof right here.

Yup, the American Mustache Institute has officially offered their support to Jason Giambi!! They want him to play in the All-Star Game!! They're going to vote for him!! They're throwing the massive weight of their coalition behind the formerly-embattled slugger and pushing him for the final roster spot for this month's All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium!!

"It doesn't take a mathematician to figure out that Jason Giambi's hitting prowess, plus a fashionable mustache, equals a bona fide All-Star," Aaron Perlut, executive director of The American Mustache Institute, says in the release.

So there you go Jason, you don't even have to pack any bags to play in the game, because it's at your home ballpark!! And you've got the support of like 11 guys with mustaches like this voting for you!!

Mind you, none of them own a computer, so they're just going to go to a couple of games and fill out the hand-written ballots... and it's probably too late to even presume that those things are being counted and tabulated into the results, but with that kind of support, how can you possibly lose?!

And just for the hell of it, here's another crazy mustache! This guy actually goes out in public like that!!

There's an American fucking Mustache Institute!! This is more disturbing than when I discovered that midgets actually have their own organization!

This is more disturbing than when some guy tried to say that "The Pursuit of Happiness" in the Declaration of Independence was proof of legalized beastiality.

I could come up with several more of these flawed analogies... but I figure I'll leave this type of humor to the real pro.



And also he's a ninjaaaaaaa!

Monday, July 7, 2008

This is Why We Do Science!?

This is one of the best uses of research dollars that I could have imagined.

I actually caught up with the lead researcher on this project and I'm very excited to say that he talked me through this article in his own words, as quoted below.

Marine experts have given 25 octopuses a Rubik's Cube each in a study aimed at easing their stress levels in captivity.

Okay, so like... the octopi... were stressed out, so like we were all like, dude, lets see what happens if we get them drunk but nobody would like, give us research money for that. So then we were all like, dude, lets see what happens if we get them stoned, but like, they said we weren't allowed to use banned substances. So then we were all like, fuck dude, we gotta do something with these octopodes, otherwise why did we steal them from the aquarium?

So like Kyle is all sitting there and playing with his Rubik's Cube, and I'm all like, dude, you're not helping, and he's all like "BRO!!! I'M STRESSED BRO!!! WTF!!!" And I'm all like, dude that's it!! Stress! Lets give the octodudes Rubik's Cubes and see what happens!!!

Scientists believe the intelligent sea creatures have a preferred arm out of eight that they use to feed and investigate with.

So we give the octopuses the cubes, right! And we're all like noticing that they're all like using one arm to take them all the time! I didn't know what that meant until Kyle was all like, "BRO!!! THEY TOTALLY HAVE A FAVORITE HAND!!!! LIKE WHEN YOU JERK OFF BRO!!! WTF!!!" And I was all like, dude, I jerk off thinking about your mom, fag!!! And then I realized that they're all smart and shit! OMG!!

Claire Little, marine expert at the Sea Life Centre in Weymouth, Dorset, said the study could eventually help to reduce stress among octopuses.

So like here's the cool part dude!! We run to the science department and they're all like, "WHOA! THAT'S AMAZING!!!" And I'm all like, yeah dude!! I totally know, right?! So they send this old chick to come check it out, and she's all like asking questions about like how we decided to do this, and then she's all like, "Well, I think I can probably get you some medical marijuana to give to the octopi!" And I was all like OMG and shit!! Bcuz seriously, there's no fuckin' way I'm sharing that greenery with some octopus cuz that fag would probably choke on that shit! So the Kyle's all like, "BRO!!! SMOKE THAT SHIT AND BLOW IT INTO THE FILTER BRO!!! WTF!!!" So that's all like what we're gonna do and we hope it makes the octopodes be really chill and cool and grow their bangs long and come surfing with us.

I just want to thank the lead scientist on this project so much for talking to me about this. Except instead of thanking him so much, I'm going to beat him over the cranium with my phallus and steal his pot. So yeah, talk to you guys later.

Fire Bill Simmons.com?

Should I just change the name of the blog to that? It's hard to believe, but he's at it again. This one's from the Magazine, and it's little more than more nationally syndicated Boston-centric arrogance. Never before, has a fan seemed to take so much pride and credit in the accomplishments of a team. He talks about the Sox and Celtics World Championships as though he's accomplished something by having been born in Boston.

This entire article is about the fact that he's got "nowhere to go but down."

Remember when Hugh Grant was arrested for soliciting a prostitute while he was dating Elizabeth Hurley?

Hey Simmons, that happened on June 27, 1995. In case you're bad with numbers, that was over 13 years ago. No Bill Simmons, I do NOT remember tabloid pop-culture happenings from 13+ years ago. Well, actually I do... but I don't talk about them like they're recent news, or write entire articles centered around imaginary rules that I made up because of them.

At the time, I, like every other red-blooded male, tried to put myself in Hugh's sullied shoes.

Yeah Bill, we all did it. Thirteen years ago. Do you have a point? Lets just skip ahead to your 10+ year old imaginary rule. Maybe you can work a fantasy league joke into this. Or the Ewing Theory.

After climbing Mount Everest—"Hey, I have my pick of hotties!"—he simply couldn't figure out what to do next.

Dude... what's your problem with Divine Brown? Maybe Hugh wanted some dark meat. Is that so fucking bad? Or are you just appalled by this because she's black, and you're a typical Bostonian fucking racist? It was 13 years ago. Shut the fuck up.

What does any of this have to with anything?

I'm glad you asked, because you're starting to frustrate me.

In the days following an improbable Celtics title, two questions have gnawed at me:

Am I a homosexual? And does anyone, anywhere, actually like me anymore? Wishful thinking Mr. Six, wishful thinking.

1. Have I peaked as a sports fan?

No, you haven't. My Yankees won 4 championships from 1996-2000. My Giants just ruined the perfect season of your Patriots. And my Rangers broke their championship drought only a year or so before Hugh Grant hooked up with Divine Brown. There's no such thing as "peaking" as a sports fan... because a sports fan DOESN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING. We drink beer and watch games. That's it. Fans don't hit free agency. We don't decline with age. WE'RE NOT ON THE FUCKING TEAM!!!!!

2. Am I headed for a Hugh/Divine moment?

Yes Bill, you are. You're going to go out tomorrow night, get drunk at some dive in Los Angeles and wake up next to someone who looks like this. There's nowhere to go but down for you... but that has nothing to do with your sports fandom or imaginary team-alliance. It's just because you're an asshole.

Remember, I'm a Sawx fan.

Jesus fucking Christ, Bill. Do you think anybody, anywhere has forgotten that? Especially if we still remember who Hugh Grant fucked 13+ years ago?

You know who's silently nodding their heads right now? New York Giants fans. They know they'll never beat the experience of rooting for a double-digit underdog that improbably terminated a bid for a perfect season in the Super Bowl.

I'm not nodding. I'm stifling the urge to vomit. The next time the Yankees win a championship, it'll be better than that Super Bowl. The next time any team I pull for wins a ring, it'll beat that Super Bowl... because it'll be happening "NOW" instead of "IN THE PAST." Whatever's happening in the present always feels sweeter than what's happened in the past. That's life.

And another thing, I love the Giants and the Yankees. I love the Knicks and Rangers too, but aren't there more important things in life? I do things in MY LIFE every day that beat "the experience of rooting for a double-digit underdog that improbably terminated a bid for a perfect season in the Super Bowl." A promotion at work beats the shit out of that. Taking my girlfriend to a Broadway show tops it. Dragging my little brother to his first Yankee game and smacking him in the head with a rolled up program until he stops insisting he's a Mets fan totally outranks it.

Point is, Bill, that we have real lives. We have marriages, divorces, births, deaths, taxes, rising gas prices and STDs. As great as it feels when one of my teams wins a championship, it's really not the biggest thing that happens in our lives in any given year. Our lives don't peak or crash based on a box score.

If yours does, maybe you should seek professional help. Like some kind of counselling or something.

And for the record, you don't have to worry about a Divine Brown moment. She wouldn't fuck you anyway. You think she's going to go from Hugh Grant to Bill Simmons?

Come on... the Cincinnati Bengals would have to win back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back Super Bowls for her to be due to crash to your level.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

The Greatest 12 Minutes In Sports!!

Right off the bat, here's my vote for the greatest athlete in professional sports today.

Yup, Takeru Kobayashi! As great as Tiger Woods, Alex Rodriguez, Sidney Crosby, Kobe, Peyton Manning, Bron-Bron and Albert Pujols may be, give some thought to it.

If professional sports didn't exist, their skills would be completely useless. Outside of the staged environments of baseball, football, basketball, golf and hockey, the ability to shoot or hit or skate... or whack a little white ball with a crooked stick are completely without purpose.

Kobayashi's skill has immense practical value! It has survival value! This man could eat an entire bison, leaving behind nothing for other predators and filling his belly for several days in one feeding... and that feeding would only take about 12 minutes!!!

This little son of a bitch is 130 lbs. soaking wet (which, by the way, is a very ineffective method for weighing yourself. You should really probably be dry.)

Think about your best Saturday night. You know the one I'm talking about. Your buddies want to hit the bar and you know you shouldn't, because you've got to be up early on Sunday because your girlfriend's dragging you to the Botanical Gardens to see the cherry blossoms and you don't want to go, but you know that if you blow it off, you're not getting laid for a VERY long time, so you agreed to it. So you tell your buddies you'll come but you're not gonna drink, and that shit goes out the window as soon as Tony comes over with a round of tequilas and beers, and the next thing you know, it's 6 o'clock in the morning and you're shirtless and stoned, with puke on your jeans at the counter at White Castle. You don't even know if it's your puke or somebody elses and you don't really give a shit. You're fumbling through your wallet trying to figure out how many of those little delicious belly bombs you can afford. Mike's passed out at the table. Tony's trying to flirt with the girl at the counter. You lost Ed back at the bar when he went outside with some girl... who you couldn't help but noticed had a very large Adam's apple.

You settle on about 20 burgers and 2 cokes and an order of fries and it takes like an hour for you chomp that shit down and you feel good.

Kobayashi eats that as a fucking warm-up. Could you imagine what it takes to curb this guys munchies after he hits the bong a couple of times? Latrell Sprewell's kids don't cost as much to feed as this guy.

Kobayashi, you are my hero. You shall defeat Joey Chestnut and bring great honor to this blog!!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

D-Back's Catcher Busts a Nut

But not in a good way. Not in a good way at all!!!

Chris Snyder took a foul ball to the twig and berries from Corey Hart and suffered what was diagnosed as...

A FRACTURED LEFT TESTICLE

I'm not making this up. Can you make this kind of shit up? In honor of Chris Snyder, I'm going to work out my first ever TOP TEN LIST!! Letterman style!! So without further delay, here's:

The Top Ten List of Bad Jokes To Be Made About What Happened to Chris Snyder!

10) Annnd... the count on Corey Hart is *cough* three balls... and one strike.
9) That catcher for the D-Backs has got a lot of balls!
8) Chris Snyder really goes nuts about baseball.
7) Snyder was removed from the major league roster after failing the testes.
6) Corey Hart introduced his new, cheap method of birth control today, to mixed reviews.
5) Nahh... they're like kidneys. You really only need one.
4) And I thought tennis elbow sucked.
3) Chris Snyder seemed tentative at the plate. Teammates suggested that he just didn't have the balls to be a major leaguer.
2) Peanuts! Get your peanuts!!!

Annnnd... the number one bad joke about what happened to Chris Snyder...


1) You're breakin' my balls here Hans! You're breakin' my balls!!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

It's Cohn-Sketball!!

What would I do without the Cohns? Probably the same thing I'd do without Bill Simmons or Dusty Baker. Or Jerry Manuel. What's that, you ask? Probably beat myself about the head with a baltine hammer. I might even turn to auto-erotic asphyxiation as a means of entertaining myself. You really never know.

Luckily, we don't have to find out because Iggy and Lowell are talking about the Golden State Warriors' selection of Anthony Randolph with the 14th pick in the Draft.

Lowell says: I don't like the Warriors' first pick, this Anthony Randolph.

I trust you have a very good reason for this Lowell, because you are a credible, intelligent and award-winning writer for the San Francisco Press Democrat.

He has potential written all over him,

Yeah, I know there's more to the sentence. But isn't this a good enough reason for Lowell Cohn to hate the pick? Alright, alright, here's the rest of the sentence.

which means he will, he might, deliver in some nebulous future but he ain't gonna deliver nothing now.

The sentence structure of "which means he will, he might, deliver" makes almost no sense to me. Moreso, the fact that he has "potential written all over him" is still construed to be a bad thing. The Warriors would have been much better off drafting Wilt Chamberlain's dead body, since it has no potential whatsoever.

Maybe general manager Chris Mullin will surprise us. Maybe he'll trade for a monster big man, the man who could anchor this scrappy entertaining midget team.

Lowell talks about Don Nelson in the article, but obviously he knows nothing about Don Nelson. Don Nelson benches Andris Biedrins because he WANTS to play small. Don Nelson has ALWAYS played small. Don Nelson is secretly afraid of anybody who stands taller than 6'9" because he thinks they're giant cyborgs who were sent back from the future to steal all of our Sweet 'n Low.

Until then, all I see is Randolph, a shrimp in a big man's body.

So you mean... exactly the kind of guy that Don Nelson will play. Yeah, terrible pick.

Iggy Says: Mullin wanted Kevin Garnett last year, but he couldn't close the deal. Since then, he's decided his team absolutely needs an athletic forward who can create match-up problems - i.e another Garnett.

No Iggy. Amazingly, you're also wrong. Nobody envisions Randolph turning into The Big Ticket. Nobody but you. Which is to reiterate, nobody. They're looking for an athletic guy who can run the floor and play an up-tempo game. They probably expect him to use his size and wing-span to defend and block some shots. I highly doubt they're expecting a guy who dropped to 14 to develop into one of the game's top 10 greatest power forwards in history.

So he's drafted big guy after big guy in hopes that one of these toothpicks "puts on weight" and becomes that player for him.

And again, putting on a little muscle, sure. But Iggy's describing it like Randolph is supposed to gain 100 lbs and ask Kobe how his ass taste.

Lowell replies: I can't believe you used the phrase "upside" and ipso facto -- what's up with that?

Tryin' to be a real sports journalist like my dear old dad!! Yeahhhh!!! By the way, I'm pretty sure Mel Kipper is in the process of suing everybody who's uttered the phrase "upside" without his express written consent. He trademarked that shit about 27 years ago.