Tuesday, July 1, 2008

It's Cohn-Sketball!!

What would I do without the Cohns? Probably the same thing I'd do without Bill Simmons or Dusty Baker. Or Jerry Manuel. What's that, you ask? Probably beat myself about the head with a baltine hammer. I might even turn to auto-erotic asphyxiation as a means of entertaining myself. You really never know.

Luckily, we don't have to find out because Iggy and Lowell are talking about the Golden State Warriors' selection of Anthony Randolph with the 14th pick in the Draft.

Lowell says: I don't like the Warriors' first pick, this Anthony Randolph.

I trust you have a very good reason for this Lowell, because you are a credible, intelligent and award-winning writer for the San Francisco Press Democrat.

He has potential written all over him,

Yeah, I know there's more to the sentence. But isn't this a good enough reason for Lowell Cohn to hate the pick? Alright, alright, here's the rest of the sentence.

which means he will, he might, deliver in some nebulous future but he ain't gonna deliver nothing now.

The sentence structure of "which means he will, he might, deliver" makes almost no sense to me. Moreso, the fact that he has "potential written all over him" is still construed to be a bad thing. The Warriors would have been much better off drafting Wilt Chamberlain's dead body, since it has no potential whatsoever.

Maybe general manager Chris Mullin will surprise us. Maybe he'll trade for a monster big man, the man who could anchor this scrappy entertaining midget team.

Lowell talks about Don Nelson in the article, but obviously he knows nothing about Don Nelson. Don Nelson benches Andris Biedrins because he WANTS to play small. Don Nelson has ALWAYS played small. Don Nelson is secretly afraid of anybody who stands taller than 6'9" because he thinks they're giant cyborgs who were sent back from the future to steal all of our Sweet 'n Low.

Until then, all I see is Randolph, a shrimp in a big man's body.

So you mean... exactly the kind of guy that Don Nelson will play. Yeah, terrible pick.

Iggy Says: Mullin wanted Kevin Garnett last year, but he couldn't close the deal. Since then, he's decided his team absolutely needs an athletic forward who can create match-up problems - i.e another Garnett.

No Iggy. Amazingly, you're also wrong. Nobody envisions Randolph turning into The Big Ticket. Nobody but you. Which is to reiterate, nobody. They're looking for an athletic guy who can run the floor and play an up-tempo game. They probably expect him to use his size and wing-span to defend and block some shots. I highly doubt they're expecting a guy who dropped to 14 to develop into one of the game's top 10 greatest power forwards in history.

So he's drafted big guy after big guy in hopes that one of these toothpicks "puts on weight" and becomes that player for him.

And again, putting on a little muscle, sure. But Iggy's describing it like Randolph is supposed to gain 100 lbs and ask Kobe how his ass taste.

Lowell replies: I can't believe you used the phrase "upside" and ipso facto -- what's up with that?

Tryin' to be a real sports journalist like my dear old dad!! Yeahhhh!!! By the way, I'm pretty sure Mel Kipper is in the process of suing everybody who's uttered the phrase "upside" without his express written consent. He trademarked that shit about 27 years ago.

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