Thursday, July 3, 2008

The Greatest 12 Minutes In Sports!!

Right off the bat, here's my vote for the greatest athlete in professional sports today.

Yup, Takeru Kobayashi! As great as Tiger Woods, Alex Rodriguez, Sidney Crosby, Kobe, Peyton Manning, Bron-Bron and Albert Pujols may be, give some thought to it.

If professional sports didn't exist, their skills would be completely useless. Outside of the staged environments of baseball, football, basketball, golf and hockey, the ability to shoot or hit or skate... or whack a little white ball with a crooked stick are completely without purpose.

Kobayashi's skill has immense practical value! It has survival value! This man could eat an entire bison, leaving behind nothing for other predators and filling his belly for several days in one feeding... and that feeding would only take about 12 minutes!!!

This little son of a bitch is 130 lbs. soaking wet (which, by the way, is a very ineffective method for weighing yourself. You should really probably be dry.)

Think about your best Saturday night. You know the one I'm talking about. Your buddies want to hit the bar and you know you shouldn't, because you've got to be up early on Sunday because your girlfriend's dragging you to the Botanical Gardens to see the cherry blossoms and you don't want to go, but you know that if you blow it off, you're not getting laid for a VERY long time, so you agreed to it. So you tell your buddies you'll come but you're not gonna drink, and that shit goes out the window as soon as Tony comes over with a round of tequilas and beers, and the next thing you know, it's 6 o'clock in the morning and you're shirtless and stoned, with puke on your jeans at the counter at White Castle. You don't even know if it's your puke or somebody elses and you don't really give a shit. You're fumbling through your wallet trying to figure out how many of those little delicious belly bombs you can afford. Mike's passed out at the table. Tony's trying to flirt with the girl at the counter. You lost Ed back at the bar when he went outside with some girl... who you couldn't help but noticed had a very large Adam's apple.

You settle on about 20 burgers and 2 cokes and an order of fries and it takes like an hour for you chomp that shit down and you feel good.

Kobayashi eats that as a fucking warm-up. Could you imagine what it takes to curb this guys munchies after he hits the bong a couple of times? Latrell Sprewell's kids don't cost as much to feed as this guy.

Kobayashi, you are my hero. You shall defeat Joey Chestnut and bring great honor to this blog!!

1 comment:

  1. yeah that guy is freakin crazy. i definetly wouldnt want to be on munchie responsibility when hes smokin. oh and white castle alone would make me puke without a night of drinking.-candass