Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Blowing Cohns Update!!!!!

Some of you might remember the following from my May 27th post.

Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing! (Yup, that was Iggy Cohn's statement)

I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks. I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.

(And that was my response to the assertion that Zito would morph into Sandy Koufax because Iggy's dad called him a bum.)

So that was three weeks ago... lets find out how Zito's done under the immense pressure of trying to be responsible for making me give head to strangers.

5/29 vs. AZ - 6 IP, 6 H, 3 ER, 3 BB, 5 K's and a no decision. Not bad, a quality start, maybe he's turning it around... I'm nervous...
6/3 vs. Los Mets - 4.1 IP, 7 H, 5 ER, 5 BB, 1 K and a loss. Okay, he was allowed 1 loss. We're not out of the woods yet.
6/8 vs. The Nats - 5 IP, 7 H, 3 ER, 4 BB, 2 K's and a win. This can't happen, can it? This was a really cheap win... can he really win 14 in a row like this? That would be my luck.
6/13 vs. Oak - 5.2 IP, 6 H, 4 ER, 4 BB, 3 K's and a loss! Sort of fitting that the A's would be the team to save me from losing my oral virginity to a couple of short, pale Jewish men. Billy Beane, your crazy moneyball computer baseball simulations shall be forever welcome in my life! I'll even pretend to believe that you didn't write Moneyball!!! And I just might name my first-born child after Jack Cust. Especially if it's a girl.

So there you have it. If you're a sports journalist, and you make crazy predictions, bloggers will threaten to fly to your city and give you hummers. I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson from this... especially you, John Kruk.

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