Monday, June 9, 2008

New Name, Same Stupid Fucking Dopes

Iggy and Lowell Cohn are at it again... but not for Cohn vs. Cohn. Nope, that's gone. Now it's the Cohn Zone. Apparently, one of the fucking nerds in the IT department at The Press Democrat took care of that complex blog-name-nerd-nerd-nerd-changing stuff for Iggy and Lowell.

Here you'll find a fascinating argument on who belongs in the Hall of Fame and who doesn't. And by "fascinating" I do mean that reading this article without proper sunglasses could cause no less than 200 of your brain cells to commit suicide. Like emo kids.

ABSOLUTE LOCKS FOR THE HALL, NO DISCUSSION NEEDED: Tom Glavine, Ken Griffey, Jr., Trevor Hoffman, Derek Jeter, Randy Johnson, Greg Maddux, Mariano Rivera, Alex Rodriguez, Ivan Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, John Smoltz

Ivan Rodriguez? Really? Didn't he take some illegal pillsy stuff and mysteriously lose 30 pounds and all his muscles by "not eating junk food"? And Smoltz is no discussion needed? Did I miss like 100 wins in his career? Or did 200 wins and 150 saves become like the new 300 wins? Smoltz probably deserves to go... but... no discussion needed? Fuck you Iggy. And fuck you Lowell.

ABSOLUTE NOS, NO DISCUSSION NEEDED ON THESE GOOD, BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH PLAYERS: Luis Gonzalez, Mike Mussina, Andy Pettitte, Billy Wagner

Umm... no to Mussina and yes to Smoltz? Both without discussion? Smoltz and Mussina are actually pretty similar statistically. Here are the differences.

Mussina has won 49 (and counting) more games.
Smoltz has been in the big leagues for 2 years longer.
Smoltz closed for 4 years because he was too injury-proned to start, and racked up 154 saves.
Personally, I think Mussina's been the better pitcher, but I can understand opinions in either direction. To say that one is a LOCK for the Hall... and the other is OUT is complete fucking insanity. It keeps getting more crazy...

Ichiro: We know, he hasn't played enough games. But come on, this guy is great and belongs in the Hall.

I have to disagree here. Ichiro has 1668 hits in his career to date. 81% (1352) of them have been singles. And his 81% rate of success on stolen bases, means that his base-stealing barely compensates for the number of outs he gives away by getting caught. His career OPS (.811) ranks him 65th among active players between Mike Lowell and Carlos Guillen.

He's probably the second-best leadoff man of all time behind Ricky Henderson, and he's the best center fielder and/or right fielder in baseball.

I'm not going to argue for or against defense. It's value and quality are near-impossible to validate with statistics, although I'm certain he's not the best CF or RF in baseball.

I'm more concerned with "second-best leadoff man of all time." Ty Cobb batted leadoff, didn't he? With his career .366 average and .434 OBP? I'd take Tim Raines over Ichiro. Kenny Lofton. Point is... this arguement is fucking stupid. He's not the 2nd-best leadoff man of all time. He's not the second-best leadoff man of NOW. He's a good player, not a Hall of Famer.

Lowell's argument against Chipper Jones: Everyone says how he ranks as a switch hitter. But he's no Mickey Mantle. Now, that was a great switch hitter with a ton more power than Chipper, and with over 130 more home runs.

There you have it. The argument against Chipper Jones is: "He's not Mickey Mantle." That's funny, because when Mantle was up for the HOF, the argument against him was, "He's not a Third Baseman."

Here's why Jones will go: He's only 36, which means he has plenty of time to reach 500 homers and 500 doubles, and his career .310/.407/.550 (OPS+ 145) is out-fucking-standing.

Jeff Kent: Iggy and Lowell agree on Kent and what they agree on is NO in capital letters.

Hey Iggy and Lowell. You said no in capital letters by writing "NO." Saying NO (in capital letters) and following it with "in capital letters" is redundant. And stupid. We're reading this. We can see that you've capitalized the word no.

And again, why doesn't Jeff Kent get in? Name 5 second basemen who've hit 350+ homers, 500+ doubles, driven in almost 1500 RBIs and OPS+'d 123? What? You can't? Because second basemen don't hit like that?

He played second base so he could accumulate great offensive numbers for a second baseman. He should have been a third or first baseman.

Because he's the one who signs himself to a contract and pencils himself into the lineup every day at second base. Lets punish him. I'll be the first to say that Jeff Kent seems like a douche bag, but to penalize one of the best offensive second basemen of all time... because you think he should have played third? Sorta backward-assed.

Frank Thomas: Lowell says yes and Iggy says no.

Igglethorpe Masterson Cohn! Did your father drop you on your head as a child? How the fuck can you possibly argue against The Big Hurt!? I realize he's not Babe Ruth, but come on.

Iggy's argument anti Frank Thomas: Yes, he has great hitting numbers. Yes, he has two MVPs. But those awards came all the way back in 93 and 94. Thomas was a five-time All Star, but each of those appearances came between 93 and 97.

Iggy's argument against Frank Thomas is that he hasn't been the most absolutely ridiculously dominant hitter in all of baseball since 1997. Hey Iggy, that's because Big Frank had some injury problems. He's still hit 520 homers and 493 doubles and OPS'd almost 1.000 for his career.

Not to mention that from 1991 to 1997 he OPS'd six hundred thousand. I haven't checked the stats, because I'm certain it's about six hundred thousand. He was, by far, the most dominant first baseman of his era. And even now, he can still rake when he's healthy.

Jim Thome: Worth considering, but no cigar.

Haha! No cigar!! No soup for you!!!! Fuck Jim Thome and his 148 OPS+ career.

Those 500-plus homers are impressive, but he's a .280 hitter.

Other shitty, unimpressive hitters with batting averages around .280: Willie Stargell (.282), Willie McCovey (.270), Mike Schmidt (.267), Harmon Killebrew (.256), Eddie Matthews (.271), Ernie Banks (.274), Reggie Jackson (.262). Know what else all these shitheads have in common? They're all Hall of Famers.

Some players you absolutely have to wait around when they come to bat. With Thome, you could go grab a Coke.

You mean because Thome was busy drawing walks and posting a career .407 OBP? Ranking him 43rd in the entire history of the game of baseball? You're right. Fuck Jim Thome.

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