Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I Hope Bill Simmons Gets Nut Cancer...

I should change the name of this blog to www.FireBillSimmons.com and just get it over with. Jesus Fucking Christ I'm pissed off.

Have a look at this shit. This shit was published in ESPN: The Magazine. It's NATIONALLY SYNDICATED!! Do people in Wichita really want to sit back and read this fucking fanboy's lame attempts at Boston-centric humor?!

And the worst part is... this fucking cocksucker is forcing me to defend the Los Angeles Lakers. I hate the fucking Lakers. And he's forcing me to defend them. Bill Simmons, I pray to seven different Gods, that one day, I will see a youtube video of you being assfucked by a Rhinoceros. I'm not even exaggerating.

Truth: Boston beat L.A. for the title eight straight times before falling in 1985. If that's a long-standing rivalry, so is Tom vs. Jerry, Andy vs. The Sistas and hammer vs. nail. Isn't it more of a "recent rivalry that was once a relentless butt-whupping"?

Oh yeah Bill? You mean kind of like Yankees-Red Sox? No response? Okay, so why don't you shut the fuck up. The Celtics haven't been good in 20 years. They're good for 5 minutes and we can't get you to stop fucking bragging. It's disgusting and pathetic.

If you root for the Lakers, you not only implicitly support nonsensical team names, you've helped to desecrate Minnesota sports.

Nonsensical team names huh? Yeah, now that I think about it, you're right! The last time I was down in Boston, I couldn't walk out of the hotel without seeing a FUCKING LEPRECHAUN streaking down the street!!!!!  And has anybody noticed that the pronounciation, "Sell-tick" is in-fucking-correct?  It's pronounced "Kell-tick."  So for every bit that the Lakers have desecrated Minnesota sports, the Celtics have desecrated Irish history.  What's worse?

Myth: Magic won the rubber match with Bird in 1987.
Truth: Hold on, my editors are still electroshocking me for the joke I was about to make.

Did you guys catch that? Bill Simmons wanted to make a joke about the fact that Magic Johnson has AIDS! You see it? Rubber match? Implying that Magic didn't use a Rubber?

This is, by far, the classiest joke I've ever read. I'm sure people who've contracted HIV and AIDS are thrilled to know that their pain, suffering, and probable death will be amusing to Bill Simmons. How do you even IMPLY a joke this ugly and keep your job?

Corollary myth: Magic beat Boston twice.
Truth: Actually, it was Kareem who killed Boston in 1985, cruising to the Finals MVP.

You say Potato, I say go fuck yourself. You say that Aaron Boone and Bucky Dent are different people... I say the result was still 70% of Boston's population crying in their Jagermeister.

Myth: Half of the rivalry's appeal has to do with the magnificent clash of uniform colors.
Truth: It's actually closer to 75 percent. For stoners, watching a Celts-Lakers game in HD is like staring at a 50-foot fish tank.

Wow, Bill really can't get over seeing that new Harold & Kumar flick. That must have been really life-changing for him... like that time that I saw that episode of Walker: Texas Ranger, and in inspired me to learn karate in case I ever had the opportunity to back roundhouse kick a shitty Boston fan-writer in the face!

Myth: L.A. and Boston get all the breaks.
Truth: Au contraire! The Lakers somehow acquired Wilt and Kareem in the first two three-$5-bills-for-a-$100-bill trades in NBA history. They swapped a fading Gail Goodrich for two No. 1's (one of whom became Magic). They traded journeyman Don Ford for a future No. 1 (James Worthy). In 1995, free agency rules mysteriously changed one year before Shaq became a free agent, and L.A. just happened to stumble into a ton of cap space. And 2008 was the year of the Pau Gasol hijacking. Wait, that deserves its own myth.

Yeah, because a former Celtic giving Kevin Garnett to the Celtics in exchange for the most God-awful bunch of fucking misfits imaginable wasn't even slightly fishy. And Ray Allen for basically nothing of value was perfectly kosher too. To borrow Bill Simmons' way of explaining these things: If either one of these trades happened in your fantasy league, you'd stab the two owners with your hedging sheers and then have a 5-way around the world with their wives and daughters at gun-point!

How was the Gasol trade legal? If I kill my mailman and no one ever finds out, does that make it legal?

Same way the Garnett and Allen trades were legal. The league's been trying to make this Lakers and Celtics series for almost a year. And I don't know, why don't you kill your mailman and we'll find out.

Jerry West's old team (Memphis) gift-wrapped its best player for the team that once employed West for 40 years, taking back a pupu platter (Kwame Brown, a third-string guard and two crappy picks).

There's the pupu platter again. Hey Bill, does the Ewing Theory apply in some way here? How about the 7.4 billion levels of failure. Why don't you recycle some other bullshitty joke that you first penned 8 years ago, and keep re-using because you're too much of a hack to write a new joke?

This happened even though the Lakers' season would have been over without a center.

Even though? What do you mean 'even though'? Their season was over without a center... so they traded for a center. This didn't happen 'even though' they needed a center. It happened BECAUSE they needed a center. How do you fail to fucking understand this?

Had this trade taken place in a fantasy league, it would have led to three weeks of vicious e-mails, crumbled friendships, guys quitting and maybe even a fistfight.

Told you this would turn into a fantasy league. Everything is related to fantasy league. Or Chinese food. Or something from a 27 year old movie about volleyball that nobody with functioning testicles and heterosexual instincts has actually seen.

If this were my fantasy league, and you traded Kevin Durant for Jamal Crawford, I would beat you unconscious with my flatscreen television set and give your paraplegic, senile grandfather a Dirty Sanchez!!! Ho ho ho!!!