Giving as Good as I Get

Thank you, New York Post, for giving me this wonderful article.

This gives me the chance to do something that I know you've all wanted to see. You've seen me take giant steaming dumps on the White Sox, Cubs, Reds, Dodgers and just about everybody else but I haven't said a thing about the team I pull for. Well here we go.

So lets get started with trades that Joel Sherman thinks the Yankees should pull immediately, trades that will restore the pinstripe glory and all that.

Yanks trade Horne and Ohlendorf to the Pirates for Damaso Marte

Damaso Marte. That's what Horne and Ohlendorf are netting for the Yanks? Entering the season, Horne and Ohlendorf were ranked 5 and 9 in the Yankees system by Baseball America. The Yankees are trading two of their top-10 prospects for a lefty reliever who looks good in the weakest hitting division in baseball? Yeah, great fucking idea. Trade 12 years of young, cheap pitching for 50 innings of Damaso Marte. Brilliant!

Yanks trade Melky Cabrera, Ian Kennedy and Austin Romine for Huston Street

Billy Beane is sitting in his office at about 9:00 PM on a Thursday night when his phone rings.

Billy Beane: Hello?
Brian Cashman: Hey Billy! It's Brian Cashman with the Yankees. I have a trade offer for you.
Beane: Brian, I've told you already that we don't want Giambi or Damon back.
Cashman: I know, this one's way better! Cabrera and Kennedy for Huston Street!
Beane: Kennedy's hurt.
Cashman: Just a little bit! And you get Melky Cabrera!!
Beane: Whoa! MELKY CABRERA!! I thought you meant Miguel Cabrera!!
Cashman: Yup! Melky! Los Leche!!!
Beane: Oh my God! Hang on, I have to text my BFF Paul DePodesta to tell him about this!!! OMG PAUL I GOT MELKY OMFG LOL CASHMAN OMGOMGOMG!!!!!!1

Kennedy's hurt and his value is shit right now. Melky is a decent centerfielder with a .338 OBP. Which is to say, not really what Beane salivates over. Billy Beane would laugh at Cashman. Then hang up the phone. An hour later, he'd call Cashman back and laugh some more. Beane would then, go out for happy hour, get drunk, stumble into his house at 3 AM and call Cashman again, waking him from a sound sleep.... to laugh at him again.

Yanks trade Hideki Matsui, Jose Tabata and Alberto Gonzalez to the Giants for Jonathan Sanchez and Randy Winn

There was talk of a Matsui deal at the start of the year. Cashman wanted Sanchez. The Giants offered Noah Lowry. So now that Sanchez has thrown 75 pretty good innings this year, the Giants are going to give him up? Tabata is underachieving, Gonzalez can't hit. Again, this trade is not happening.

Yanks trade Edwar Ramirez and J.B. Cox to the Astros for Ty Wigginton

I might have failed to mention, the Yankees are supposed to make all 5 of these trades, or it doesn't work. Sherman thinks the Yanks need Wigginton to play first base now that he's moved Matsui and cleared up the DH spot for Giambi.

Problems:
1) None of the trades up to this one would work.
2) Giambi can't hit when he DH's. He's hitting now, so why fuck with him?
3) Matsui has a no-trade clause and would probably reject a deal to the Giants, even if the Giants were crazy enough to pull the trigger on that deal.

So I'm going to go ahead and say no. The Yankees do not need Ty Wigginton.

A three-way trade in which the Yanks get Nick Swisher, Matt Thornton and John Danks. The White Sox get Melky Cabrera, Hideki Matsui, Ian Kennedy and Ray Durham. The Giants get Paul Konerko, Alberto Gonzalez and Shelley Duncan.

I guess this one is a fall-back plan if 1-4 fail. Otherwise the Yanks are trading Melky, Matsui, Kennedy and Gonzalez twice. But lets break this down.

Yanks lose: Melky, Matsui, Kennedy, Gonzalez, Duncan.
Yanks get: Danks, Swisher, Thornton

2 Months ago, the Yanks wouldn't give up Kennedy and Melky for Johan Santana. Now they move them for basically, Danks and Swisher? Pshh...

White Sox lose: Swisher, Thornton, Danks, Konerko
White Sox get: Melky, Matsui, Kennedy, Durham

The White Sox gave up a ton for Swisher. They're dumping him for this garbage? And Danks? Who's 23 and has been lights out so far this year?

Giants lose: Durham
Giants get: Konerko, Gonzalez, Duncan

Do I need to say anything? Anything at all? Ray Durham for Paul Konerko. The White Sox are in first place, and they're having a fucking fire sale.

Joel Sherman, your article represents epic failure. Please punch yourself in the testicles.