Best Paid Benchwarmers?

I love comments. And I love e-mails (primeoffense@yahoo.com). And this is your chance to do one or the other.

Forbes released a list of the Best Paid Benchwarmers in Sports. I'm gonna focus mainly on the baseball end of this... because I think they missed a lot of guys who belonged on this list. Here's what they came up with:

1) Dave Roberts ($6.5M)
2) Jacque Jones ($6.3M)
3) Jay Payton ($5M)
4) D-meat-hook Young ($5M)
5) Frank Catalanotto ($4M)

Well how about the following guys? How do they miss this cut?

Carl Pavano is making $11M this year to not pitch for the Yankees.
Brandon Inge is on the books for $6.2M and it is his job to watch Miguel Cabrera hack it up at third base.
Coco Crisp makes $5M as a 4th outfielder without a bat.
Gary Matthews, Jr. is Anaheim's Coco Crisp... only for $9.4M this year.
Juan Pierre's making $8M this year. And Nomar Garciaparra is making $9.5M. Do I need to say more?

Who am I forgetting here? There's got to be a lot more of these guys... I thought it was a joke that Frank Catalanotto made a top 5... because his salary is only slightly above the major league average... I knew there had to be worse guys out there. There are probably more.

So please, give me your opinions on this. I want to know who you think is stealing money from your team. Lets make an Interactive Gangbang out of this topic!!!!!

Injuries Make You an Asshole!

Jeff Passan, how I've missed thee. I shall write thee sweet prose to profess my love for your moronic ramblings!

My love for you is like a truck! Berserker!!!
Would you like some making fuck! Berserker!!!
My love for you is like a rock! Berserker!!!
Would you like to smoke some pot! Berserker!!!
My love for you is ticking clock! Berserker!!!
Would you like to suck my cock! Berserker!!!
Would you like some making fuck! Berserker!!!

Wait a second, those are the lyrics to Berserker, by Love Among Freaks. Whatever. Jeff Passan wrote this article. It's a steaming piece of shit as usual. It's about overpaid/underpaid guys in baseball. Problem is that most of the "overpaid" guys are injured. And most of the underpaid guys are on rookie contracts or arbitration-year deals.

Guys who are 'overpaid' mostly because of injuries: Nomar Garciaparra, Carl Pavano, Jason Schmidt, Mike Hampton, Denys Baez, Mark Prior (who's only making $1M this year)

I'm sure that if you dig up Jason Schmidt's 2007 Christmas list, the only thing he asked Santa to bring him was shoulder surgery! These guys are all obviously thrilled that they get to sit on the DL, constantly having doctors cut into their bodies with sharp objects. I'm sure they'd rather go through 8 hours a day of painful rehab than play baseball pain-free for 3 hours a day.

Guys who are 'underpaid' because they haven't hit free agency yet: Kevin Youkilis, Ian Kinsler, Grady Sizemore, Dan Haren, Brandon Webb.

Because Brandon Webb and Dan Haren aren't going to be making at least $15 million a year once they hit the open market. And Sizemore isn't going to find some retarded owner to give him $25 million and his own daytime TV show *cough-Ned Coletti-cough.

Oh, and while we're on the topic of poetry, here's Jeff Passan's poem to Mike Hampton!

Hamstring, elbow, Tommy John
Disabled list you’re always on
Mr. Hampton, you’re the best
Working on three years’ rest

Fucking incredible. Now I know why Jeff Passan makes his living in sports journalism, and I've only made $0.97 from Google AdSense since I started this site. Sweet fucking poems.

Where Should I Start?

I know exactly where to start...

Ned Colletti (the GM of the Dodgers) is a complete fucking moron. He continues signing washed up veterans to expensive contracts, not only bloating his payroll, but blocking his young players from breaking into the big leagues.

You're the Dodgers. You have Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, James Loney, Delwyn Young and a slew of young prospect-type players. Tons and tons of cheap, controllable players with talent out the wazoo. You can mix a few savvy vets (Jeff Kent, Rafael Furcal, Derek Lowe, etc.) in there, and just win with those kids. If you're a GM, how can you possibly fuck this up?

Well, you could spend $91M on 8 years of Juan Pierre and Jason Schmidt... but that's old news.

Here's a great idea! Lets give $18M to Andruw Jones! You know, to reward him for getting fat and slow and looking disinterested in the game of baseball in 2007! And in the process, let's block those prospects from getting playtime!

That's right. Matt Kemp (.324/.348/.495) and Andre Ethier (.303/.388/.465) have to battle for playing time with the corpse of Andruw Jones (.163/.274/.255) and Juan Pierre (who's actually out to a nice start). Delwyn Young gets to ride pine.

For those of you waiting for Andruw Jones to break out of his slump... I hate to disappoint you, but it's not going to happen. You heard it here. Andruw Jones is fucking DONE. Why do I say that? Here's why...

The guy costs himself untold millions of dollars by having a shitty walk year. He's LUCKY that there's a sucker like Colletti to give him a one-year deal worth as much money as he got. So you'd figure he's motivated to show teams that he still wants to play, right?

Wrong. He comes to Dodger camp wearing a fucking D-Cup bra. Okay, not literally, but you get the picture. Fatter and more lethargic than ever. That's why Ethier and Kemp are losing at bats. So that $62 Million Dollars worth of .330 OBP Juan Pierre and 330 Lbs. of Andruw Jones can kill the Dodgers.

I know Frank McCourt (the Dodgers Owner) was pissed about hiring a smart guy who used numbers and computers and shit (Paul DePodesta) and not winning... but to swing a 180 and hire a schmuck like Colletti and stand by him as he literally shits out dollars on the remains Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Schmidt, Andruw Jones, Juan Pierre and Esteban Loaiza... Jesus Hfucking Christ!!

I mean... what did DePodesta do that was so fucking wrong? Paul Lo Duca, Juan Encarnacion and Guillermo Mota for Brad Penny and Hee Seop Choi? He signed Derek Lowe, J.D. Drew and Jeff Kent.

Kent and Lowe aren't amazing, but they're signed to reasonable contracts, and they're solid players. Drew kind of fucked the Dodgers over, but for the two years he was there, he performed... and now he's doing Coco Crisp impersonations in Boston. So what's the problem?

Hey McCourt... this is what happens when you fire your GM on the advice of a sentence-fragment poet like Bill Platschke.

You go from having a guy who can mug Brad Penny from the Marlins for a juicer and a statutory rapist...to a guy who inks the post-mortem 2002 All-Star Team.