Showing posts with label Jeff Passan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jeff Passan. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Injuries Make You an Asshole!

Jeff Passan, how I've missed thee. I shall write thee sweet prose to profess my love for your moronic ramblings!

My love for you is like a truck! Berserker!!!
Would you like some making fuck! Berserker!!!
My love for you is like a rock! Berserker!!!
Would you like to smoke some pot! Berserker!!!
My love for you is ticking clock! Berserker!!!
Would you like to suck my cock! Berserker!!!
Would you like some making fuck! Berserker!!!

Wait a second, those are the lyrics to Berserker, by Love Among Freaks. Whatever. Jeff Passan wrote this article. It's a steaming piece of shit as usual. It's about overpaid/underpaid guys in baseball. Problem is that most of the "overpaid" guys are injured. And most of the underpaid guys are on rookie contracts or arbitration-year deals.

Guys who are 'overpaid' mostly because of injuries: Nomar Garciaparra, Carl Pavano, Jason Schmidt, Mike Hampton, Denys Baez, Mark Prior (who's only making $1M this year)

I'm sure that if you dig up Jason Schmidt's 2007 Christmas list, the only thing he asked Santa to bring him was shoulder surgery! These guys are all obviously thrilled that they get to sit on the DL, constantly having doctors cut into their bodies with sharp objects. I'm sure they'd rather go through 8 hours a day of painful rehab than play baseball pain-free for 3 hours a day.

Guys who are 'underpaid' because they haven't hit free agency yet: Kevin Youkilis, Ian Kinsler, Grady Sizemore, Dan Haren, Brandon Webb.

Because Brandon Webb and Dan Haren aren't going to be making at least $15 million a year once they hit the open market. And Sizemore isn't going to find some retarded owner to give him $25 million and his own daytime TV show *cough-Ned Coletti-cough.

Oh, and while we're on the topic of poetry, here's Jeff Passan's poem to Mike Hampton!

Hamstring, elbow, Tommy John
Disabled list you’re always on
Mr. Hampton, you’re the best
Working on three years’ rest
Fucking incredible. Now I know why Jeff Passan makes his living in sports journalism, and I've only made $0.97 from Google AdSense since I started this site. Sweet fucking poems.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Apparently Idiocy Can Breed...

Do you look at the world around you and realize that the average person seems to get dumber every year? Yeah, me too. So where is all this raw stupidity coming from? There's only one solution. Jeff Passan's columns on Yahoo Sports are to brain cells, what kryptonite is to Superman. You don't even have to read them. You just have to be near them and your IQ errodes. Case in point...

The way Curtis Granderson figures, leadoff hitters actually lead off only once a game, so all of the attention they garner – it’s them and cleanup hitters with the recognizable nicknames, after all – isn’t necessarily warranted.

Yeah, and the studies have sorta shown that batting order really doesn't impact the output of the offense. That's where you're going with this, right?

Perhaps it was the romantic notion of the leadoff hitter: the scrapper who fouls off pitches and gets on base and dashes from first to third and manufactures runs, intangibles idealized.

And of course, the key component here is "gets on base" because your leadoff man gets the most at bats on the team, and thereby has the opportunity to make the most outs... so you should strive to use someone who makes less outs than the average player?

Oddly, Rickey Henderson was the best at this. I don't know how scrappy he was. And nobody ever talks about his "intangibles."

That player, of course, is a relic in the steroid and sabermetric eras, generally inefficient, and the prototype has evolved into Leadoff 2.0, the type of player Granderson and others across the game embody.

You're right. Rickey Henderson is a relic, but that's only because he's like 900 years old and nobody as good as him has come around again. Sabermetrics has most certainly never even IMPLIED that a guy who "fouls off pitches and gets on base and goes from first to third and manufactures runs" is inefficient. Sabermetrics has shown us that getting on base is incredibly valuable. It's also showed us how overrated stolen bases were.

And steroids? If anything, guys were taking steroids to try to do these things better. Getting on base more? Hello!!!! The poster child for steroids had an On-Base Percentage of like 2.842 or better for the last 10 years. No typo. Barry Bonds got on base 2.8 times per at bat. He was that fucking retarded.

They can run, yes, but they also hit for serious power, enough that they’d fit just fine in the No. 3 hole, the lineup’s true glamour spot.

We're talking about Curtis Granderson here? He of the .342 career OBP? Okay, that's not shitty, but it's also not what I want in the leadoff spot. And looking at last year, wouldn't the Tigers have been better off batting Granderson down in the lineup a little, where his 38 doubles, 23 triples and 23 homers could have produced more than 74 RBIs? And batting Placido Polanco (and his .388 OBP) first? Nah, you're right... it probably wouldn't make much of a difference anyway.

“You could have your old-school taking pitches so you get the pitch count up and let the hitters behind you see everything the pitcher has."

Yeah Curtis, working counts sounds like a good idea. Sure, this is an old school approach, but effective. Plus the more pitches you see, the more likely you are to draw a hit or walk, and thus, get on base.

"But if you’re a guy who can drive the baseball, you’re going to be aggressive and set the tone by either getting on base, getting an extra-base hit or, possibly, starting the game off 1-0.”

This season, Curtis is driving the ball to the tune of a .242 average and a .320 OBP, and he's on pace for 140+ strikeouts again. That's just what you want from the guy who hits before your run-producers. Keep trying to be Alfonso Soriano, Curtis. It's helping you.

His divisional and positional peer, Cleveland’s Grady Sizemore, socked 92 extra-base hits the year before.

Except that Sizemore got on base at a .390 clip last year, which is the kind of number you should want from the guy who sees the most at bats on the team.

And we can’t forget the leadoff hitter who best epitomizes the power surge – and the most misplaced – Alfonso Soriano, who must be telekinetic with his ability to convince manager after manager that keeping him hitting first is a stroke of brilliance.

Telekinetic? That's moving shit with your mind. MIND POWER!!! And suddenly I got an image of Alfonso Soriano giving Lou Pinella a telekinetic hand-job. The visual in my brain is like bad Star Wars porn right now.

The important thing here, is that Passan is writing an article praising Curtis Granderson and the "new breed" of power-hitting leadoff guys... and he ADMITS that Soriano is "misplaced" in the Cubs lineup, thus contradicting his entire fucking premise. This is why these posts are so long.

It [foot-speed] is managers’ last gasp at the classic leadoff hitter instead of one who resembles Rickey Henderson, baseball’s greatest power-and-speed combination at the top of the lineup since Ty Cobb.

Then here's the real question. What was more vital to Rickey Henderson's success? His "power-and-speed"? Or his ability to work counts, draw walks, and get on base?

Case in point... Henderson hit 297 career home runs. And stole 1406 bases at a success rate of just under 81%. For his career, he averaged a home run every 45 plate appearances. And as we know, stealing bases at an 81% rate really doesn't help an offense very much (because people have researched these facts extensively, and we trust facts.)

Power-and-speed: 1 homer every 45 times at the plate, minimal benefit from stolen bases.

Rickey on-based .401 for his career, with peaks of .420, .419, .423, .439, .432 and another .423 at 40 years old. In 25 seasons, Henderson made more than 400 outs 6 times. Alfonso Soriano, in comparison, has made 400+ outs in every full season he's ever played and has broken 500 twice. Juan Pierre has made 500+ outs in 5 straight years.

Walking/Getting On Base: Once every 4 games, Rickey Henderson is on base when Curtis Granderson is sitting on the bench after having made an out.

“I had Bonds hit a lot of leadoff home runs,” Leyland said.

Jim Leyland, speaking proudly about batting Barry Bonds in the lead-off spot... but at least Bonds was getting on base at an above-average rate. Still fucking stupid.

No one said being Leadoff 2.0 is easy. Which is just how Granderson likes it.

Umm... what? No one said it's easy? Which is just how he likes it? What are you saying here Jeff Passan? Are you saying that he likes it easy? So then Curtis Granderson hates being "Leadoff 2.0" because it's not easy, and he likes it easy?

Wit only looks witty if it makes sense dude.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Just for the Cubs Fans out there....

Okay, so in the name of full partial disclosure, the reason this post is happening is because I found a really great video that's probably like a year old, but pretty hysterical and offensive to Cubbies fans. This entire post is building towards said video... but today, I'm going to pontificate on the chances of the Cubs to actually win a championship. Yes Jeff Passan, I too can speak from a wrongfully acquired position of authority! And I know you'll see this... because you read blogs!

All areas will be given a grade based on partial stats taken from small sample sizes which have occurred this season and past player performance in some random way (PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW, because the acronym will make that easier to remember):

Starting Pitching - Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Rich Hill

Okay, Carlos Zambrano is awesome. Props to him on that. However, statistically speaking, he's not the best in this group. Somebody... has thrown 57 innings at a 189 ERA+. And it's not Ted Lilly. And it's not Jason Marquis or Rich Hill either! Can you guess who it is? Yeah. Ryan Dumpster. That's not gonna hold up, not, not, not, no fucking way, not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1asdkfjas2134

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: C plus

Infield: Geovany Soto, Derek Lee, Mark DeRosa, Ryan Theriot, Aramis Ramirez

Okay, I'm calling bullshit on Ryan Theriot hitting .331/.410/.413, there's no fucking way that holds up. Mark DeRosa On-Basing .406 looks pretty wrong too, but Soto and Ramirez are nice offensive players, and Derek Lee's starting to look more like his old self again, so even after Theriot and DeRosa go the way of Ryan Dempster, the infield will still be able to hit. I'm not going to talk about defense... because there aren't any really reliable metrics, and I don't care about the +/- 10 runs a season worth of difference that it's going to make.

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: A minus

Outfield: Alfonso Soriano, Kosuke Fukudome, Jim Edmonds' Dead Body, Felix "Scooter" Pie, Reed Johnson

I'll say this again. Alfonso Soriano's power is almost completely wasted in the leadoff spot. And his .328 OBP actually manages to fucking HURT the Cubs there.... because he's going to make wayyyy too many outs, and he's not going to get any chances to hit with runners on. The fucking guy is going to hit 35 solo home runs this year and make close to 500 outs. If they batted him in the 5-hole, where he belongs, he'd drive in 35-45 more runs this year, and probably make about 70 less outs, which would benefit his team all around. Seriously... swap Soriano and Fukudome in the lineup!! Put Fukudome's .416 OBP in the leadoff spot!! And Soriano's .592 SLG in the 5-hole!! Just try it!! Please!! I'm fucking begging you!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and get a Centerfielder... this Edmonds situation is embarrassing.

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: B plus

Relief Pitching: Kerry Wood, Carlos Marmol, Bob Howry, Michael Wuertz, Sean Marshall, Jon Lieber, Kevin Hart

Kerry Wood still feels like Gagne, Jr. to me. I'm scared of him. Has he really only blown 3 saves so far? That's got to get worse, doesn't it? I love Marmol, but the rest of these guys have either seen better days (Howry, Wuertz)... or won't see days this good for long (Lieber). Whatever.

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: C plus

Bench Players, Manager, Blah Blah Intangibles, Grit, Hustle, Slow-Pulse-in-Trafficness

Here's a whole bunch of stuff that I don't believe to be hugely important so I'll put it together. I think Lou Pinella is a hugely overrated manager. I think more often than not, he coaches a baseball game sort of how I would... if I were drunk, under 4 feet tall, and wearing a clown costume. Soriano batting leadoff is a prime example of that to me. Marmol setting up for Gagne, Jr. is another. This team's biggest falling-off point for me is the idiot on the bench that's going to waste 50 runs this year by forcing Soriano to hit 35 solo home runs.

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: F- -, haha, that looks sinister! F minus minus!!

OVERALL TEAM PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: B Minus

So what does that all basically mean? Here's what it means...

Friday, May 16, 2008

Interleague Gay...

Haha... Interleague Gay! Get it? Like Interleague Play? That's wordplay my friends. Wordplay. I want to start by saying that I don't like Jeff Passan. I don't like him one bit. Something about him is just "too cool for school" and that's my job. And since I'm in the business of partial full disclosure, I'll also admit that I don't like interleague play. I think it's a waste of time... and I live in New York, where Yankees-Mets is supposedly a massive rivalry. Big fucking yippee. Interleague play blows. I'd rather play 6 more games against Toronto and Baltimore.

Jeff Passan likes interleague play and wants to improve it with a bunch of dipshitty ideas that he conjured from his wealth of intellect (see: Pulled out of his ass.)

I like interleague play.

Yes Jeff, I told them that already.

Wow, that felt good.

Well, you're welcome. I wanted everybody to know where you were coming from before I make you look like a dickhead.

There is no support group for the afflicted. Though Major League Baseball contends that interleague play is popular and backs it up with compelling attendance figures, the advocates get drowned out by the minority, who are a lot like Ron Paul supporters: loud, passionate and fighting a fight that was long ago lost.

Oh, you meant that saying you liked interleague play felt good. Ingrateful little prick. And yeah, interleague play sells some tickets, primarily in cities that actually have an NL Rival to play. I can't imagine Kansas City vs. Florida being a particularly big draw. And fuck Ron Paul. Haha stupid libertarian! He has no supporters!!!

The brilliant idea: Home-field advantage in World Series goes to the league with the best record in interleague play.

Passan credits some jerk-off blogger with this idea, which is good, because its the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. Isn't it bad enough that the All-Star game decides home field advantage in the World Series? Now you want the results of the fucking Giants vs. Tigers to impact it?!

Here's a revolutionary idea! How about we give home-field in the World Series to the team with the best record for the 162-game season!! How about that... just as a change of pace? Does that make too much fucking sense? The aggregate interleague play record deciding homefield... gah!

The logical idea: Designated hitter in both parks.
To make the first idea fair, MLB needs to implement this one. Don’t punish the AL by making its pitchers hit. Give NL fans a chance to see the DH in their home parks a few times a season. If these games are going to count for home field, there can be no sign of league bias.

So in order to remove "league bias" we're going to play ALL the games by AL rules? Wouldn't this be punishing NL teams by exploiting the fact that most of them don't have a Designated Hitter on their payroll, because they only need one for about 12 games a year? The best way to remove "league bias" would probably be to play half the games by AL rules and the other half by NL rules... sort of the way they do NOW!!!

The outlandish idea: The interleague draft.

Let me just explain this one as best as I can. Basically, we alternating league by year, and let the teams draft an interleague series.

With the 7th pick, the Atlanta Braves choose to play the Tampa Bay Rays!! Yeah! Great idea! Fans LOVE drafts! And those crazy New York Jets fans can come and boo everybody's picks!!

My prime criticism of this idea is that it makes absolutely no fucking sense. None at all. Secondly, a 3-game series, in the grand scheme of a full season, is so beyond meaningless that it's not even slightly amusing. We're going to have a draft and waste everybody's fucking time over a 3-game series against the interleague team of your choice? That is a profoundly fucking stupid suggestion.

I like interleague play without these suggestions.

Well that's a good thing, because your ideas are fucking stupid and will never happen.

Just not as much as I do with them.

Then disregard the above sentence. Sorry to shit in your Froot Loops, Jeff Passan.