Punch Lines are for Pussies!

As many of you know (and you can probably tell) I'm new at this. What separates this blog from every other sports blog out there though, is that my jokes aren't funny. Okay wait, that came out wrong. What separates this from the others is that I curse a lot and say 'seriously' 400 times per post. Nope, that's not the point I'm trying to make either.

The difference between this place and others, is that I write this because I enjoy talking about sports. And I do my best to reply to every piece of e-mail (primeoffense@yahoo.com) and every comment (a grand total of 1 so far.) So yeah, you're encouraged to write me, whether it's to tell me that I'm completely right or completely wrong... or that you think I'm a total asshole. I'll tell you in advance, you're right. I am. Know who else is an asshole? Jay Mariotti, but he's in denial about it, and he's never talked with you to justify his assholiness. I will.

So why are we here today? Because Bill Simmons wrote his first non-Boston-Team article in over a year. It's a bunch of rapid-fire jokiness... but he forgot the punchlines. So I'm going to try to help make this funny. Here goes nothing.

So Kobe Bryant stops sulking, makes small talk with teammates, buys them dinner every once in a while, gives them $9,000 watches and occasionally passes the ball to them? I take it back ... he is a great guy!

Yeah! He gives teammates expensive gifts. Like when he got his wife that big diamond ring after he raped a hotel desk clerk! I'm putting 1 and 1 together here, and concluding that Kobe Bryant has sexually assaulted DJ Mbenga. And DJ, if you're reading this, just be happy that I got your name in here.

When you order the Jamba Juice with the fiber boost, you're basically telling the guy behind the counter and everyone else in line, "I'm a little backed up right now."

POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA!!! POOOOOOOOOP!!!!

If hell has a cable channel like ESPN Classic, it's definitely showing a never-ending loop of fights involving Bernard Hopkins or Johnny Ruiz.

Really? Bernard Hopkins fights? I like B-Hop fights, they're usually exciting. I would think Hell would keep showing that Klitschko vs. Ibragimov fight! You know, the one where they romanced each other all over the ring for 12 rounds? I think Ibragimov actually bought Klitschko flowers and asked him on a second date after that fight.

Here's my advice to Stan Van Gundy: Give in to the Ron Jeremy thing, embrace it and hire Joey Silvera, Herschel Savage and Randy West as your assistant coaches.

PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE!!!!!!!!!!! THE INTERNET IS FOR POOOOOOOOORNNNNN!!!!! I love me some porn... but why is Simmons so familiar with the names of the MALE porn stars?

I'll be honest: When Terry Francona gave Jon Lester the extra-long hug after Monday's no-hitter, it didn't just get a little dusty at the Sports Guy Mansion, it got "Brian's Song"-level dusty... because I, Bill Simmons, get turned on when men hug. I'm watching that Klitschko-Ibragimov fight as we speak.

Okay, maybe Bill didn't say all of that. But he should have. And so much for Bill keeping his mouth off of Boston's cock for more than 1,000 words.

I'm still whining about the Giants ruining the Patriots perfect season, and now I think Tyree's catch should have been reviewed, or maybe it was! I can't remember because here's a vague reference to my father, who's actually much funnier than I am and should probably write my shit for me.

Well, it's basically what he said.

Hey, just because the Mavs are long gone from the playoffs doesn't mean we have to stop making Josh Howard jokes, right?

No Bill, you never have to stop cracking shitty jokes about dated happenings.

Can we call the 2008 Mavericks team video "Howard and Kumar"?

Or Harold and Josh!!! Or Kumar and Joshmarkimward!! Such a creative joke.

How many times do you think he toked up with a teammate, then fell over in hysterics imitating Avery Johnson's voice?

Yeah, and maybe Jason Kidd will smoke up with him and then go smack up Joumana some more! Somebody needs to set her straight!!

Congrats to John Mayer for officially replacing Adam Duritz as this generation's token "sensitive musician who has bagged so many Hollywood babes that every other red-blooded male is rooting for him to get into a disfiguring accident, so when he turns into a sweaty, overweight guy 15 years from now, we'll all feel a sick sense of satisfaction about the whole thing."

Except that Adam Duritz is already basically a sweaty, overweight guy, and he's bagged more hot babes than young, fit Bill Simmons in spite of it. I don't wish disfiguring injuries on people who bag more chicks than me. Do you?

Look, I don't care if it's a movie, and I don't care if it happened 22 years ago, there's no way Cruise and Edwards take a game off Rossovich and Kilmer, much less the entire volleyball match. It's not happening.

I don't know what the fuck Simmons is talking about and therefore, I have no joke. If this makes sense to you, please write in and explain.

Put it this way: If the Spurs-Lakers series goes the distance, I see a Game 7 officiating crew of Bennett Salvatore, Adam Silver and Jack Nicholson, as well as every Spurs starter fouling out and Gregg Popovich getting two quick T's and being removed from the court on one of those Hannibal Lecter stretchers. And that's a conservative prediction.

Sort of like how the league got rid of the Cavs so LeBron wouldn't ruin the Boston-Los Angeles finals that David Stern's been orchestrating all season?

Pop quiz: Explain the significance behind "22 innings pitched, 47 baserunners, eight home runs, zero wins, four losses, 9.00 ERA."

Umm... 22 innings is a really small sample size to evaluate a pitcher based on?

Yup, those are the 2008 stats for Phil Hughes. (Did you know the Yankees refused to include him in a deal for Johan Santana? No, really! I swear to God!)

Which had nothing to do with the $151 million extension that Johan wanted, or the 900 innings on Johan's arm in the last 4 years. Or the fact that Hughes was the top-rated minor league pitcher in all of baseball for 2 years running. Maybe it's a small sample size. Maybe Hughes was pitching with a broken rib. Maybe he's not ready. Or maybe this is a good reason to LOL!! HAHA!!! BOSTON RULEZ!!!! YAHNKEEZ SAWKKKK!!!!

Yeah, I'm done here.... it just gets more shitty from here and this post is wayyyy too long.