Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Bill Simmons: Boston Superfan!!!

Super Fucking Asshole is more like it. Yeah, lets not sugar coat this. Bill Simmons is a fucking tool. His employment at ESPN is nothing more than further clarification that the "Worldwide Leader in Sports" is little more than a nationally syndicated version of NESN and The Boston Globe rolled into one.

But being a fan and writing for ESPN isn't what makes Bill Simmons a fucking asshole. Here's what makes him a fucking asshole.

The fact that he's not even a good fan. He's not a true, stand-by-my-guys fan. He's your typical front-running butt-fucking bitch when the shit hits the fan.

Just for the sake of background, I have to point out the fact that this guy doesn't write a post about Hockey in like 77 years... except to say that the Boston Bruins are fucking dead to him (in the midst of another of their losing seasons.) Then comes back a couple of weeks ago preaching about how much he loves them... because they're in the playoffs.

In his latest installment, Bill is completely overreacting over the Celtics road playoff failures. Here are some excerpts from the article:

DOC: All right, guys, listen up. I want to go over the game plan so we're clear on everything.
RAY ALLEN: We have a game plan tonight?

A game plan? Walla walla fucking Washington!!! A game plan!! The fucking Celtics won 66 games this year. Whether they did so with or without a game plan is irrelevant I guess... because they won 66 fucking games. With Doc Rivers on the bench. Maybe you're overreacting to a couple of losses.

DOC: Not exactly, Eddie. I know we're something like 61-12 with you as our backup point guard, and I know Sam [Cassell] has been murdering us to the point that one of our owners asked me if he was "The Mole" last week. But let's keep things the way they are for one more game. To be honest, I really enjoy the expression on some of your faces when I don't play you in the first half, then you've checked out of the game mentally and suddenly I'm looking at you and telling you to go in. Let's keep that going as long as we can.

Yup... it's the 32 minutes that Sam Cassell played in 2 games in Cleveland that doomed the Celts. Not the fact that The Big Ticket morphed into Boris Diaw and developed a phobia of the paint. Think you're overreacting?

POSEY: I'm the only Celtic who's won a title other than Sam, so I feel like I know what I'm taking about here. The playoffs are all about matchups. Atlanta didn't have a single guy who could defend KG, but we never really exploited that. Against Cleveland, we should be attacking Szczerbiak with whoever he's guarding; that dude couldn't guard Oprah at this point. When they play Boobie Gibson and Delonte West at the same time, we should be going bigger with Paul [Pierce] at the 2 so he can post those guys up and punish them. When they put Ilgauskas on KG, we should be clearing out for KG so he can just go right by him every time. Big Z moves like a mummy; he can't handle KG facing up. I mean, it's all common sense, right?

Holy shit! James Posey should be the coach!! James Posey is a basketball genius! Why did Miami let this guy go? I bet Pat Riley thought he was after his job!! Wally Szczerbiak couldn't guard Oprah! Hahaha! Silly James Posey! Oprah doesn't play basketball!!! I bet that was a James Posey joke. He's a jokey guy, that James Posey.

PIERCE: Actually, that's not true -- I've only won four playoff series in my entire career.
RAY: Yeah, I'm not a winner, either. I've only made the conference finals once. Even in college, I didn't win. The only big victory I've ever had was the time I housed Denzel in "He Got Game."
KEVIN GARNETT: While we're coming clean, I haven't won anything either -- I've won three playoff series in 13 seasons.

Super fan Bill Simmons... pointing out that the Celtics 3 best players... who he's been raving about for the last 8 months non-stop... are a BUNCH OF FUCKING LOSERS!!!!!!!!! (Which, technically, they are... but they lost two games... not the series... two games. Are we overreacting?)

ALLEN: Yeah, maybe we should stop giving so many interviews about winning until we come through on the road one time.

Did the New England Patriots give this advice to Ray Allen? Sorry... couldn't help but point this out.

ALLEN: Well, let's stop using the phrase "Big Three" then. I'm not that type of player anymore -- really, I'm a spot-up jump shooter and that's it, and if I don't have my legs for a road game, I'm useless. There's not a ton of difference between me and Szczerbiak at this point. Two years from now, they'll be changing my name to "Ray Allen's Expiring Contract" unless somebody gives me a bionic pair of ankles.

Hahahahahaha!!! Ray Allen's Expiring Contract!! If you don't read Bill Simmons, you won't realize it.. but this is a reference to a recurring joke of his. It's been Theo Ratliff's Expiring Contract... and P.J. Brown's Expiring Contract... now it's Ray Allen! He needs bionic ankles!! Go-Go Gadget Kneecaps!!!!! Ho ho ho!!! Ray Allen doesn't belong in the big three! Fuck that guy!! Overreacting? A little? Maybe? A little?
In Simmons' defense... he did start this article with a long preamble about how he wrote this immediately after the Celts lost Game 4. And he claims to have a better grip on things... except that he's been playing "The rah-rah fan who casually acknowledges that the team will probably fail every 20 minutes so they can celebrate a win... but say 'I told you so!' if his team loses" for the last 8 months. And before that, he pulled the same shit with the Patriots.
Pick a side of the fence Bill. Don't straddle it so you can be wrong and right at the same time. I know it's difficult when you're writing for a big national media company... and your father is both funnier and more knowledgeable than you. But try your best.
Queef tag added... because Simmons is just that, a fucking queef.


  1. I couldn't agree more. Since when did American Sport become the designated province of Boston fucko fan boys? Simmons is the bandwagon leader of all bandwagon leaders and he contributes to making ESPN unreadable and generally unwatchable.

  2. Simmons just posted his first non-Boston article in 6 1/2 months. It's a set of rapid-fire 'jokes' but he forgot to add punchlines. So I'm going to attempt to lend a hand.