Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I Just Love Those Crazy Cohns!!!

I can't help it. I love Lowell and Iggy Cohn. Thank you FJM, thank you SO MUCH for introducing me to them!! Today, Iggy suggests that Lowell has MIND BULLETS! THAT'S FUCKING TELEKINESIS KYLE!!!!!!!

Okay, it's not mind bullets. But it's the ability to make Frank Thomas hit a baseball by suggesting that the Oakland A's cut him. And that's just as good. Here's the article.

The A's should dump Thomas for Bonds. My dad and I have been pushing this idea for weeks. Unfortunately, my dad chose to formally write it up the day Thomas went three for four with two home runs and three RBI. Talk about bad timing.

It's not bad timing Iggy! It's not! Do not mistake coincidence for providence! Morpheus said that in The Matrix so it must be true. There is no coincidence! The Big Hurt hit because your dad talked smack about him!!!

No doubt A's fans think my dad is a hack and maybe worse things.

Why would anybody think that? Could it have something to do with the fact that you guys write like a couple of drunken circus freaks?!

But I'm his son and his business partner, and for fear of being cut out of the will I'm going to defend him.

So basically, you're agreeing that your dad's a hack? You're a real shithead Iggy.

Beane stresses stats over chemistry, Bonds is the epitome of stats over chemistry, Beane should sign Bonds.

I guess that depends on what kind of 'chemistry' you're talking about. From what I hear, Bonds has worked with some great chemists in his day. Maybe Bonds is the epitome of stats-because-of-chemistry.

Furthermore, the implications that syllogism raises due to the fact that Beane hasn't signed Bonds are interesting. Should we believe the things Beane says? Is his money ball doctrine more a construct of Michael Lewis than the boy genius himself? Thought provoking questions, to say the least.

If Beane signs Bonds, then Beane is a jerkface asshole who cares more about stats than people and hearts and flowers and starving children in Guatemala. If Beane doesn't sign Barroid, then Moneyball is a figment of our imaginations and Billy Einstein is a phony, and his team is actually run by the computer from the movie War Games! Hey Iggy, you're a San Fran fan. Who wins more? The Giants? Or that douchebag phony Billy Beane and his A's? Okay, so shut the fuck up.

Blah blah blah for the next 9 paragraphs of witty anecdote about how impressed people are that Iggy is, in fact, the son of Lowell Cohn, except that nobody seems to like Lowell at all, because even in San Francisco, everybody thinks he's a terrible hack.

Then we get to the goods!! THE ABILITY TO KILL A YAK FROM... wait... I already linked the Wonderboy video...

Iggy lists off how because Dad wrote negative shit about Mike Nolan, Barry Zito and Al Davis that the following will happen.

Nolan will lead the 49ers to the playoffs and win coach of the year.

I guess this could happen without voodoo magic. The 49ers don't totally suck. They were 5-11 last year, but they ARE in a Division with Seattle, St. Louis and Arizona and somebody has to win that thing, right?

Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing!

I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks.

I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.

The Raiders will win the Super Bowl in 2008, Al Davis will win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Fire Lane Kiffin and live to 112.

Okay, so this one will probably happen. Right after this does...

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