Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Why I Do What I Do...

I'm writing these articles because sites like FireJoeMorgan.com enlightened and inspired me, because they woke me up to the fact that people bitch about shitty sports journalism from the safety and solitude of their mother's basements. And I just can't go back to sleep.

I would like to thank Mr. J.A. Adande for this wonderful piece he's written about CP3, Chris Paul. Actually, it would be a wonderful piece if it made any fucking sense at all.

Chris Paul has become the must-see player in these playoffs, the one doing the most amazing things with the greatest regularity, the one worth flying 1,700 miles across two time zones to see.

Fair enough, Chris Paul is pretty awesome. I can't speak on the worthiness of flying 1,700 miles across two time zones. That sort of thing would involve leaving the aforementioned safety and solitude of my mom's basement, where I would surely be eaten by bears.

Well, there was another reason I wanted to come down to the Big Easy. I had to confront and question him on this little theory I've developed: Chris Paul is a mean guy.

You flew 1,700 miles to New Orleans to ask CP3 if he's mean? Please don't joke with me about something this important J.A. Adande. Was this really why you traversed two time zones? You couldn't like... hit him up on the celly? Isn't he in your Five?

When I say this to him, he doesn't offer a rebuttal, only a justification.

Okay, so he's a mean guy. And he admits it. We're done here, your trip was a success. Unless you do something crazy like contradicting yourself in the next paragra....

He's the opposite of some of the great point guards to whom he's compared, the ones whose angelic looks masked a darker side. Isiah Thomas wore a continuous smile on the court but could be treacherous off it (ask Adrian Dantley). John Stockton looked clean-cut but was one of the dirtiest players in the league (ask anyone who ever caught one of his elbows).

We've already established that CP3 is mean. He even admits it himself. In the words of Harvey Keitel in "From Dusk til Dawn", Chris Paul is a mean mmmm... mmmm... servant of God!

And this should make him the opposite of what Cheech so eloquently discussed in the above clip.

J.A. Adande is telling us that Paul is somehow "the opposite" of Stockton and Isiah... because they were also... umm... mean.

For the sake of keeping this short, Adande never does explain what in the purple motherfucker he means by this. Instead, he goes on to explain that Chris Paul is a nit-picky son of a bitch to his teammates, complaining about everything they do incorrectly.

This is the sort of thing that goes over great when your team is winning.

Mark my words. If that team starts losing, you're going to hear about how Chris Paul is a clubhouse cancer.

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