Monday, May 19, 2008

Bad Joke on Bad Joke Crime!!

Yes, I'm going to bitch about something from ESPN Page 2. Yes, I realize that D.J. Gallo, Mike Philbrick and David Schoenfield intend this shit as humor. Well, it's hacky, terrible, un-funny humor and it needs to be punished.

According to the Dallas Morning News and about 97 percent of the esteemed members of the blogosphere, Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson are done.

Am I reading a sports website? Or the latest issue of US Weekly? Do sports fans really give a fat baby's dick about this? I think most smart football fans are sitting at home and praying that Jessica Simpson hooks up with Rick Salomon and he spills out a sex tape, but until it happens, who cares!

Here are a few suggestions for No. 9's next piece of arm candy.

Here's a run-down of the suggestions.

  1. President Bush's daughter - She's from Texas.
  2. Roger Clemen's wife - See Joke #1.
  3. Nick Lachey's other ex - Duh.
  4. Lauren Conrad - Insert hacky joke about "game" film... oh, you already did.
  5. Old actress from 'Dallas' - Logistical similarity to fictious character.
  6. Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders - See Joke #1.
  7. Minka Kelly - See Joke #5.
  8. Lohan - Because making fun of drunks is funny! Silly alcoholic!!
  9. Jessica Biel - Jeter and Timberlake hit it. Which is funny because...
  10. Star Jones - Star in name + Star on helmet = Funny Joke! LOL!
  11. Marisa Miller - Will make Tom Brady jealous!
  12. Tom Brady's ex - See Joke #11.
  13. Tila Tequila - Tequila -->Mexican -->Romo in Mexico w/Jessica-->Big Laughs
  14. Roger Clemens' side-piece - See Joke #1. Insert tacky reference to McCready being preyed on by a pedophile.
  15. LeBron's Mom - Always classy to make fun of a guy's mother. And funny. Classy funny.
  16. Tampa Bay Rays Third Baseman - Point out similarity to Eva Longoria's name + Make completely unrelated Ronaldo reference = Double Joke, mother fucker!!!

So to recap, 16 suggestions for a new girlfriend for Tony Romo.

Six jokes about Texas, the Cowboy's uniform or the sport Romo plays, four women over 50, at least two chicks that Roger Clemens has boffed, at least two chicks that Tom Brady has boffed, a drunk, a victim of pedophilia and a man. Zero viable suggestions, negative 37 laughs.

And if not for Heath Ledger's recent passing, you can be damned certain there would have been at least 11 Brokeback Mountain jokes.

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