Friday, May 30, 2008

Rape is more Clean Cut than Tattoos!

For the record out of the gate here, maybe I'm bias because I'm up to 8 tattoos, and I'm dating the most beautiful woman in the world, and she's also got a bunch of ink. I like tattoos, I plan to get more, and I don't see anything wrong with that.

I also think that whether a person likes tattoos or not, something like 95% of people are apathetic to whether or not another person has them. My dad's not a tattoo guy, but he couldn't care a chunk of gorilla poop if the guy who slices his cold cuts has them. He doesn't walk an extra block to buy a paper from someone who hasn't soiled the purity of their skin with a tramp stamp. Who gives a shit!

Jason Whitlock does. And he's certain that you do too.

Over the next couple of weeks you'll hear lots of theories about why TV ratings are surging for the NBA playoffs.

We're heading towards Lakers-Celtics? Chris Paul? LeBron James? Kobe? Tim Duncan? Garnett, Pierce and Ray Allen's rotting remains? The fact that every series has gone 7 games? Everybody holding home court? Tony Parker's appeal to fans of 'Desperate Housewives'?

The NBA has been experiencing a resurgence ever since the Suns traded for Shaquille O'Neal, the Lakers acquired Pau Gasol, the Mavericks got hoodwinked into snagging Jason Kidd and the Cavaliers picked up new spare parts for LeBron.

So this isn't even something that started in the playoffs then. The Shaq/Gasol/Kidd/Zombie Formerly Known as Ben Wallace trades happened months ago.

But there's one issue driving improved ratings that likely won't be touched by all the NBA talking heads on TNT and ESPN.

You think the shitty officiating is improving ratings?

Tattoos. Or rather the lack of tattoos in the conference finals.

Oh yeah, the lack of tattoos! Why didn't I think of... wait... what?!

Part of the reason more people are watching these playoffs is because the average fan isn't constantly repulsed by the appearance of most of the players on the court. Most of the key players left in the playoffs don't look like recent prison parolees.

First off, if Jason Whitlock were white, could he write this without getting fired and beaten with Don Imus? Like literally, someone picking up Don Imus and swinging him like a 7-iron at Jason Whitlock! Recent prison parolees?! Because of some tattoos?

And second, the average fan is repulsed to the point of not watching a game on TV by this? Really?! So if we added up ALL BASKETBALL FANS, and divided them by their sum, what we'd come out with is a guy who doesn't watch basketball because of Allen Iverson? I highly doubt that.

The only accurate way to describe Garnett, Pierce, Duncan, Allen, Manu, Parker and even Kobe is "clean cut."

I don't know if I'd label as being Kevin Garnett "squeaky clean." Have a look. Kind of looks like he wants to commit a random act of violence against a midget... doesn't he?

Yeah, there are a couple of tattoos in that group — Duncan has something on his back, Kobe still has his post-rape-allegation tat

Cue the band!!!!! And make them dances FUNKY BEEEOOOOTCH!!!

It's better for rating to be a rapist than to have tattoos! Kobe has his post-rape allegation tat!! And that's alright! Because not only does nobody mind his tattoo... NOBODY MINDS THAT THERE WERE RAPE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST HIM!!! And why? Because he's fucking terrific at basketball! Before you Laker fans flood me with hate mail, let me say this:

I do understand that Kobe was cleared of wrong-doing and found not guilty, but the entire premise of Jason Whitlock's argument is that people refuse to watch basketball because of their conservative natures. People as a whole, are conservative and hate tattoos, because people with them look like "recent prison parolees."

But these same conservative people have completely forgotten that Kobe Bryant was accused of raping the desk clerk at a hotel in Colorado like an hour and a half ago.

I know many of you probably think the number of tattoos doesn't influence viewing habits.

You're finally speaking to me dude. Now you're going to tell me that you were intentionally exaggerating or just dicking around, right?

You're wrong.

Fuck you! Fuck you for fostering hope where there is none. You are hopeless Jason Whitlock, utterly hopeless. Why don't you go ahead and try to relate this situation to sex in a purely unrelated way.

There's a reason you don't see nude scenes in movies with fat people. Trust me, fat people have sex. It's just no one wants to see it. Not even fat people.

Notice what Jason Whitlock does here. Jason Whitlock is fat, so when he says, "Trust me, fat people have sex", what he's really trying to say is "Trust me, I'm not a virgin." However, I've seen fat guys boning hot chicks. Want proof? Here's proof. He's chunky. And he's boned more hot chicks than you, me, Bill Simmons, Adam Duritz, John Mayer (who has tattoos and therefore will never sell any records) and Jason Whitlock combined. So apparently fat-person sex sells in the porn industry!

No one wants to watch Delonte West or Larry Hughes play basketball.

Because they suck?

It's uncomfortable and disconcerting. You don't want your kids to see it.

Yeah, they're pretty bad at basketball. Larry Hughes had a website dedicated to his suckage. I'd much rather my kid watch Allen Iverson and learn to play the game well.

You don't want your kids to think they should decorate their neck, arms, hands, chest and legs in paint. You don't want to waste time explaining to your kids that some millionaire athletes have so little genuine self-confidence that they find it necessary to cover themselves in tattoos as a way to mask their insecurities.

Fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck. FUCK!!! I thought Jason Whitlock got a clue for a second. He's now generalized the entire business and purpose of tattooing. Here is a scientific look at Jason Whitlock's argument.

Insecurity * Lack of Self-Confidence / Time In Prison = Tattoos

And here's my equation for this article!!

Ignorance + Fear * Being a Pussy Who's Scared of Pain = Jason Whitlock's Hatred of Inked Skin!!

It's all downhill in the article from this point on. But it's boring and I should wrap this up, so let me summarize.

Jason Whitlock is an insecure pussy who lacks self-confidence and expresses his ignorance of something he doesn't understand even slightly by railing against it with two pages worth of absolutely meaningless rambling that does absolutely nothing to explain why ratings are up during the NBA Playoffs.

Ratings are up because of the Lakers and Celtics, and because of Kobe, LeBron, Chris Paul, Tim Duncan, Pau Gasol, Tony Parker, Manu, etc. Because of a Game 7 in every series. And because there's really no clear-cut favorite this year, it's all up in the air and that's exciting.

Ratings are not up because Rajon Rondo is tattoo-free.

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