I Hope Bill Simmons Gets Nut Cancer...

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Rape is more Clean Cut than Tattoos!

For the record out of the gate here, maybe I'm bias because I'm up to 8 tattoos, and I'm dating the most beautiful woman in the world, and she's also got a bunch of ink. I like tattoos, I plan to get more, and I don't see anything wrong with that.

I also think that whether a person likes tattoos or not, something like 95% of people are apathetic to whether or not another person has them. My dad's not a tattoo guy, but he couldn't care a chunk of gorilla poop if the guy who slices his cold cuts has them. He doesn't walk an extra block to buy a paper from someone who hasn't soiled the purity of their skin with a tramp stamp. Who gives a shit!

Jason Whitlock does. And he's certain that you do too.

Over the next couple of weeks you'll hear lots of theories about why TV ratings are surging for the NBA playoffs.

We're heading towards Lakers-Celtics? Chris Paul? LeBron James? Kobe? Tim Duncan? Garnett, Pierce and Ray Allen's rotting remains? The fact that every series has gone 7 games? Everybody holding home court? Tony Parker's appeal to fans of 'Desperate Housewives'?

The NBA has been experiencing a resurgence ever since the Suns traded for Shaquille O'Neal, the Lakers acquired Pau Gasol, the Mavericks got hoodwinked into snagging Jason Kidd and the Cavaliers picked up new spare parts for LeBron.

So this isn't even something that started in the playoffs then. The Shaq/Gasol/Kidd/Zombie Formerly Known as Ben Wallace trades happened months ago.

But there's one issue driving improved ratings that likely won't be touched by all the NBA talking heads on TNT and ESPN.

You think the shitty officiating is improving ratings?

Tattoos. Or rather the lack of tattoos in the conference finals.

Oh yeah, the lack of tattoos! Why didn't I think of... wait... what?!

Part of the reason more people are watching these playoffs is because the average fan isn't constantly repulsed by the appearance of most of the players on the court. Most of the key players left in the playoffs don't look like recent prison parolees.

First off, if Jason Whitlock were white, could he write this without getting fired and beaten with Don Imus? Like literally, someone picking up Don Imus and swinging him like a 7-iron at Jason Whitlock! Recent prison parolees?! Because of some tattoos?

And second, the average fan is repulsed to the point of not watching a game on TV by this? Really?! So if we added up ALL BASKETBALL FANS, and divided them by their sum, what we'd come out with is a guy who doesn't watch basketball because of Allen Iverson? I highly doubt that.

The only accurate way to describe Garnett, Pierce, Duncan, Allen, Manu, Parker and even Kobe is "clean cut."

I don't know if I'd label as being Kevin Garnett "squeaky clean." Have a look. Kind of looks like he wants to commit a random act of violence against a midget... doesn't he?

Yeah, there are a couple of tattoos in that group — Duncan has something on his back, Kobe still has his post-rape-allegation tat

Cue the band!!!!! And make them dances FUNKY BEEEOOOOTCH!!!



It's better for rating to be a rapist than to have tattoos! Kobe has his post-rape allegation tat!! And that's alright! Because not only does nobody mind his tattoo... NOBODY MINDS THAT THERE WERE RAPE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST HIM!!! And why? Because he's fucking terrific at basketball! Before you Laker fans flood me with hate mail, let me say this:

I do understand that Kobe was cleared of wrong-doing and found not guilty, but the entire premise of Jason Whitlock's argument is that people refuse to watch basketball because of their conservative natures. People as a whole, are conservative and hate tattoos, because people with them look like "recent prison parolees."

But these same conservative people have completely forgotten that Kobe Bryant was accused of raping the desk clerk at a hotel in Colorado like an hour and a half ago.

I know many of you probably think the number of tattoos doesn't influence viewing habits.

You're finally speaking to me dude. Now you're going to tell me that you were intentionally exaggerating or just dicking around, right?

You're wrong.

Fuck you! Fuck you for fostering hope where there is none. You are hopeless Jason Whitlock, utterly hopeless. Why don't you go ahead and try to relate this situation to sex in a purely unrelated way.

There's a reason you don't see nude scenes in movies with fat people. Trust me, fat people have sex. It's just no one wants to see it. Not even fat people.

Notice what Jason Whitlock does here. Jason Whitlock is fat, so when he says, "Trust me, fat people have sex", what he's really trying to say is "Trust me, I'm not a virgin." However, I've seen fat guys boning hot chicks. Want proof? Here's proof. He's chunky. And he's boned more hot chicks than you, me, Bill Simmons, Adam Duritz, John Mayer (who has tattoos and therefore will never sell any records) and Jason Whitlock combined. So apparently fat-person sex sells in the porn industry!

No one wants to watch Delonte West or Larry Hughes play basketball.

Because they suck?

It's uncomfortable and disconcerting. You don't want your kids to see it.

Yeah, they're pretty bad at basketball. Larry Hughes had a website dedicated to his suckage. I'd much rather my kid watch Allen Iverson and learn to play the game well.

You don't want your kids to think they should decorate their neck, arms, hands, chest and legs in paint. You don't want to waste time explaining to your kids that some millionaire athletes have so little genuine self-confidence that they find it necessary to cover themselves in tattoos as a way to mask their insecurities.

Fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck. FUCK!!! I thought Jason Whitlock got a clue for a second. He's now generalized the entire business and purpose of tattooing. Here is a scientific look at Jason Whitlock's argument.

Insecurity * Lack of Self-Confidence / Time In Prison = Tattoos

And here's my equation for this article!!

Ignorance + Fear * Being a Pussy Who's Scared of Pain = Jason Whitlock's Hatred of Inked Skin!!

It's all downhill in the article from this point on. But it's boring and I should wrap this up, so let me summarize.

Jason Whitlock is an insecure pussy who lacks self-confidence and expresses his ignorance of something he doesn't understand even slightly by railing against it with two pages worth of absolutely meaningless rambling that does absolutely nothing to explain why ratings are up during the NBA Playoffs.

Ratings are up because of the Lakers and Celtics, and because of Kobe, LeBron, Chris Paul, Tim Duncan, Pau Gasol, Tony Parker, Manu, etc. Because of a Game 7 in every series. And because there's really no clear-cut favorite this year, it's all up in the air and that's exciting.

Ratings are not up because Rajon Rondo is tattoo-free.

Punch Lines are for Pussies!

As many of you know (and you can probably tell) I'm new at this. What separates this blog from every other sports blog out there though, is that my jokes aren't funny. Okay wait, that came out wrong. What separates this from the others is that I curse a lot and say 'seriously' 400 times per post. Nope, that's not the point I'm trying to make either.

The difference between this place and others, is that I write this because I enjoy talking about sports. And I do my best to reply to every piece of e-mail (primeoffense@yahoo.com) and every comment (a grand total of 1 so far.) So yeah, you're encouraged to write me, whether it's to tell me that I'm completely right or completely wrong... or that you think I'm a total asshole. I'll tell you in advance, you're right. I am. Know who else is an asshole? Jay Mariotti, but he's in denial about it, and he's never talked with you to justify his assholiness. I will.

So why are we here today? Because Bill Simmons wrote his first non-Boston-Team article in over a year. It's a bunch of rapid-fire jokiness... but he forgot the punchlines. So I'm going to try to help make this funny. Here goes nothing.

So Kobe Bryant stops sulking, makes small talk with teammates, buys them dinner every once in a while, gives them $9,000 watches and occasionally passes the ball to them? I take it back ... he is a great guy!

Yeah! He gives teammates expensive gifts. Like when he got his wife that big diamond ring after he raped a hotel desk clerk! I'm putting 1 and 1 together here, and concluding that Kobe Bryant has sexually assaulted DJ Mbenga. And DJ, if you're reading this, just be happy that I got your name in here.

When you order the Jamba Juice with the fiber boost, you're basically telling the guy behind the counter and everyone else in line, "I'm a little backed up right now."

POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA!!! POOOOOOOOOP!!!!

If hell has a cable channel like ESPN Classic, it's definitely showing a never-ending loop of fights involving Bernard Hopkins or Johnny Ruiz.

Really? Bernard Hopkins fights? I like B-Hop fights, they're usually exciting. I would think Hell would keep showing that Klitschko vs. Ibragimov fight! You know, the one where they romanced each other all over the ring for 12 rounds? I think Ibragimov actually bought Klitschko flowers and asked him on a second date after that fight.

Here's my advice to Stan Van Gundy: Give in to the Ron Jeremy thing, embrace it and hire Joey Silvera, Herschel Savage and Randy West as your assistant coaches.

PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE!!!!!!!!!!! THE INTERNET IS FOR POOOOOOOOORNNNNN!!!!! I love me some porn... but why is Simmons so familiar with the names of the MALE porn stars?

I'll be honest: When Terry Francona gave Jon Lester the extra-long hug after Monday's no-hitter, it didn't just get a little dusty at the Sports Guy Mansion, it got "Brian's Song"-level dusty... because I, Bill Simmons, get turned on when men hug. I'm watching that Klitschko-Ibragimov fight as we speak.

Okay, maybe Bill didn't say all of that. But he should have. And so much for Bill keeping his mouth off of Boston's cock for more than 1,000 words.

I'm still whining about the Giants ruining the Patriots perfect season, and now I think Tyree's catch should have been reviewed, or maybe it was! I can't remember because here's a vague reference to my father, who's actually much funnier than I am and should probably write my shit for me.

Well, it's basically what he said.

Hey, just because the Mavs are long gone from the playoffs doesn't mean we have to stop making Josh Howard jokes, right?

No Bill, you never have to stop cracking shitty jokes about dated happenings.

Can we call the 2008 Mavericks team video "Howard and Kumar"?

Or Harold and Josh!!! Or Kumar and Joshmarkimward!! Such a creative joke.

How many times do you think he toked up with a teammate, then fell over in hysterics imitating Avery Johnson's voice?

Yeah, and maybe Jason Kidd will smoke up with him and then go smack up Joumana some more! Somebody needs to set her straight!!

Congrats to John Mayer for officially replacing Adam Duritz as this generation's token "sensitive musician who has bagged so many Hollywood babes that every other red-blooded male is rooting for him to get into a disfiguring accident, so when he turns into a sweaty, overweight guy 15 years from now, we'll all feel a sick sense of satisfaction about the whole thing."

Except that Adam Duritz is already basically a sweaty, overweight guy, and he's bagged more hot babes than young, fit Bill Simmons in spite of it. I don't wish disfiguring injuries on people who bag more chicks than me. Do you?

Look, I don't care if it's a movie, and I don't care if it happened 22 years ago, there's no way Cruise and Edwards take a game off Rossovich and Kilmer, much less the entire volleyball match. It's not happening.

I don't know what the fuck Simmons is talking about and therefore, I have no joke. If this makes sense to you, please write in and explain.

Put it this way: If the Spurs-Lakers series goes the distance, I see a Game 7 officiating crew of Bennett Salvatore, Adam Silver and Jack Nicholson, as well as every Spurs starter fouling out and Gregg Popovich getting two quick T's and being removed from the court on one of those Hannibal Lecter stretchers. And that's a conservative prediction.

Sort of like how the league got rid of the Cavs so LeBron wouldn't ruin the Boston-Los Angeles finals that David Stern's been orchestrating all season?

Pop quiz: Explain the significance behind "22 innings pitched, 47 baserunners, eight home runs, zero wins, four losses, 9.00 ERA."

Umm... 22 innings is a really small sample size to evaluate a pitcher based on?

Yup, those are the 2008 stats for Phil Hughes. (Did you know the Yankees refused to include him in a deal for Johan Santana? No, really! I swear to God!)

Which had nothing to do with the $151 million extension that Johan wanted, or the 900 innings on Johan's arm in the last 4 years. Or the fact that Hughes was the top-rated minor league pitcher in all of baseball for 2 years running. Maybe it's a small sample size. Maybe Hughes was pitching with a broken rib. Maybe he's not ready. Or maybe this is a good reason to LOL!! HAHA!!! BOSTON RULEZ!!!! YAHNKEEZ SAWKKKK!!!!

Yeah, I'm done here.... it just gets more shitty from here and this post is wayyyy too long.

Bill Simmons: Boston Superfan!!!

Super Fucking Asshole is more like it. Yeah, lets not sugar coat this. Bill Simmons is a fucking tool. His employment at ESPN is nothing more than further clarification that the "Worldwide Leader in Sports" is little more than a nationally syndicated version of NESN and The Boston Globe rolled into one.

But being a fan and writing for ESPN isn't what makes Bill Simmons a fucking asshole. Here's what makes him a fucking asshole.

The fact that he's not even a good fan. He's not a true, stand-by-my-guys fan. He's your typical front-running butt-fucking bitch when the shit hits the fan.

Just for the sake of background, I have to point out the fact that this guy doesn't write a post about Hockey in like 77 years... except to say that the Boston Bruins are fucking dead to him (in the midst of another of their losing seasons.) Then comes back a couple of weeks ago preaching about how much he loves them... because they're in the playoffs.

In his latest installment, Bill is completely overreacting over the Celtics road playoff failures. Here are some excerpts from the article:

DOC: All right, guys, listen up. I want to go over the game plan so we're clear on everything.
RAY ALLEN: We have a game plan tonight?

A game plan? Walla walla fucking Washington!!! A game plan!! The fucking Celtics won 66 games this year. Whether they did so with or without a game plan is irrelevant I guess... because they won 66 fucking games. With Doc Rivers on the bench. Maybe you're overreacting to a couple of losses.

DOC: Not exactly, Eddie. I know we're something like 61-12 with you as our backup point guard, and I know Sam [Cassell] has been murdering us to the point that one of our owners asked me if he was "The Mole" last week. But let's keep things the way they are for one more game. To be honest, I really enjoy the expression on some of your faces when I don't play you in the first half, then you've checked out of the game mentally and suddenly I'm looking at you and telling you to go in. Let's keep that going as long as we can.

Yup... it's the 32 minutes that Sam Cassell played in 2 games in Cleveland that doomed the Celts. Not the fact that The Big Ticket morphed into Boris Diaw and developed a phobia of the paint. Think you're overreacting?

POSEY: I'm the only Celtic who's won a title other than Sam, so I feel like I know what I'm taking about here. The playoffs are all about matchups. Atlanta didn't have a single guy who could defend KG, but we never really exploited that. Against Cleveland, we should be attacking Szczerbiak with whoever he's guarding; that dude couldn't guard Oprah at this point. When they play Boobie Gibson and Delonte West at the same time, we should be going bigger with Paul [Pierce] at the 2 so he can post those guys up and punish them. When they put Ilgauskas on KG, we should be clearing out for KG so he can just go right by him every time. Big Z moves like a mummy; he can't handle KG facing up. I mean, it's all common sense, right?

Holy shit! James Posey should be the coach!! James Posey is a basketball genius! Why did Miami let this guy go? I bet Pat Riley thought he was after his job!! Wally Szczerbiak couldn't guard Oprah! Hahaha! Silly James Posey! Oprah doesn't play basketball!!! I bet that was a James Posey joke. He's a jokey guy, that James Posey.

PIERCE: Actually, that's not true -- I've only won four playoff series in my entire career.
RAY: Yeah, I'm not a winner, either. I've only made the conference finals once. Even in college, I didn't win. The only big victory I've ever had was the time I housed Denzel in "He Got Game."
KEVIN GARNETT: While we're coming clean, I haven't won anything either -- I've won three playoff series in 13 seasons.

Super fan Bill Simmons... pointing out that the Celtics 3 best players... who he's been raving about for the last 8 months non-stop... are a BUNCH OF FUCKING LOSERS!!!!!!!!! (Which, technically, they are... but they lost two games... not the series... two games. Are we overreacting?)

ALLEN: Yeah, maybe we should stop giving so many interviews about winning until we come through on the road one time.

Did the New England Patriots give this advice to Ray Allen? Sorry... couldn't help but point this out.

ALLEN: Well, let's stop using the phrase "Big Three" then. I'm not that type of player anymore -- really, I'm a spot-up jump shooter and that's it, and if I don't have my legs for a road game, I'm useless. There's not a ton of difference between me and Szczerbiak at this point. Two years from now, they'll be changing my name to "Ray Allen's Expiring Contract" unless somebody gives me a bionic pair of ankles.

Hahahahahaha!!! Ray Allen's Expiring Contract!! If you don't read Bill Simmons, you won't realize it.. but this is a reference to a recurring joke of his. It's been Theo Ratliff's Expiring Contract... and P.J. Brown's Expiring Contract... now it's Ray Allen! He needs bionic ankles!! Go-Go Gadget Kneecaps!!!!! Ho ho ho!!! Ray Allen doesn't belong in the big three! Fuck that guy!! Overreacting? A little? Maybe? A little?

---

In Simmons' defense... he did start this article with a long preamble about how he wrote this immediately after the Celts lost Game 4. And he claims to have a better grip on things... except that he's been playing "The rah-rah fan who casually acknowledges that the team will probably fail every 20 minutes so they can celebrate a win... but say 'I told you so!' if his team loses" for the last 8 months. And before that, he pulled the same shit with the Patriots.

Pick a side of the fence Bill. Don't straddle it so you can be wrong and right at the same time. I know it's difficult when you're writing for a big national media company... and your father is both funnier and more knowledgeable than you. But try your best.

Queef tag added... because Simmons is just that, a fucking queef.