This is Why We Do Science!?

This is one of the best uses of research dollars that I could have imagined.

I actually caught up with the lead researcher on this project and I'm very excited to say that he talked me through this article in his own words, as quoted below.

Marine experts have given 25 octopuses a Rubik's Cube each in a study aimed at easing their stress levels in captivity.

Okay, so like... the octopi... were stressed out, so like we were all like, dude, lets see what happens if we get them drunk but nobody would like, give us research money for that. So then we were all like, dude, lets see what happens if we get them stoned, but like, they said we weren't allowed to use banned substances. So then we were all like, fuck dude, we gotta do something with these octopodes, otherwise why did we steal them from the aquarium?

So like Kyle is all sitting there and playing with his Rubik's Cube, and I'm all like, dude, you're not helping, and he's all like "BRO!!! I'M STRESSED BRO!!! WTF!!!" And I'm all like, dude that's it!! Stress! Lets give the octodudes Rubik's Cubes and see what happens!!!

Scientists believe the intelligent sea creatures have a preferred arm out of eight that they use to feed and investigate with.

So we give the octopuses the cubes, right! And we're all like noticing that they're all like using one arm to take them all the time! I didn't know what that meant until Kyle was all like, "BRO!!! THEY TOTALLY HAVE A FAVORITE HAND!!!! LIKE WHEN YOU JERK OFF BRO!!! WTF!!!" And I was all like, dude, I jerk off thinking about your mom, fag!!! And then I realized that they're all smart and shit! OMG!!

Claire Little, marine expert at the Sea Life Centre in Weymouth, Dorset, said the study could eventually help to reduce stress among octopuses.

So like here's the cool part dude!! We run to the science department and they're all like, "WHOA! THAT'S AMAZING!!!" And I'm all like, yeah dude!! I totally know, right?! So they send this old chick to come check it out, and she's all like asking questions about like how we decided to do this, and then she's all like, "Well, I think I can probably get you some medical marijuana to give to the octopi!" And I was all like OMG and shit!! Bcuz seriously, there's no fuckin' way I'm sharing that greenery with some octopus cuz that fag would probably choke on that shit! So the Kyle's all like, "BRO!!! SMOKE THAT SHIT AND BLOW IT INTO THE FILTER BRO!!! WTF!!!" So that's all like what we're gonna do and we hope it makes the octopodes be really chill and cool and grow their bangs long and come surfing with us.

I just want to thank the lead scientist on this project so much for talking to me about this. Except instead of thanking him so much, I'm going to beat him over the cranium with my phallus and steal his pot. So yeah, talk to you guys later.