Gotta glance over this topic for a few lines. Hopefully this won't draw out into a long-winded post.
The media coverage today is centered on whether the New York Giants would have fared better with Plaxico Burress in the game against the Eagles on Sunday.
The answer is, very obviously, yes, they would have, simply because he commands double-coverage from the defense whenever he's on the field. Do the Giants win that game with him? Maybe, I guess... but probably not.
The burden of this loss should fall squarely on the Head Coach and the Offensive Coordinator as far as I'm concerned. And how do I intend to prove this? With a couple of simple stats, and a bit of common knowledge.
The word is that the wind conditions were rough at the Meadowlands on Sunday, and Eli Manning ALWAYS struggles in the wind. That's probably why the Giants were so good away from East Rutherford last season. And it's also probably why the best quarterback in Giants history, Phil Simms, only completed 55% of his passes for his career. The wind in North Jersey is a bitch. There's no denying that. And having a 6'5" receiver with the wingspan of a pterodactyl has to help a little.
But here's the bigger question... with the wind gusting, and Burress not out there drawing doubles, why did the Giants keep throwing the ball?
Brandon Jacobs ran the ball 19 times for 92 yards. He averaged 4.8 yards per carry. Derek Ward chewed up 46 yards on 12 carries for a 3.8 average. They were able to move the ball on the ground, especially with Jacobs.
Once you see Eli struggle in the first quarter, why doesn't the coach put the ball in Brandon Jacobs hands on every play? The Giants offensive line obviously loves to run-block, and they're great at it. And Jacobs goes 6'4" and over 260 lbs.
You let that guy slam himself into the defense... over... and over... and over again until the Philadelphia Eagles feel violated the way Ashley Dupre must have felt shortly before cashing one of Eliot Spitzer's checks.
You force the Philadelphia Eagles to stick 8 or 9 guys in the box to stop the run. And once they commit to that, you send in some play actions passes, and even Tom Coughlin could have suited up at wide receiver and snuck down the sideline for long completions.
Instead, the Giants ran 30 passing plays against 31 runs, maintaining a perfect offensive balance between the effective rushing game... and the completely ineffective passing game.
They did nothing to force the Eagles to adjust to them, instead allowing them to control the game, and ultimately the final score really doesn't show how one-sided things really were.
So yeah, now I guess the only thing to do is pull for the Arizona Cardinals. Why? Because Philadelphia just had the Phillies win something. Pittsburgh got one a couple of years ago. And I'd just feel like a schmuck cheering on the Cleveland Browns to win a Super Bowl for Baltimore. Plus it's Baltimore. I dunno. I don't like Baltimore. I've been there, it seems like a nice enough place. But I don't like it. So yeah, no Super Bowl for Baltimore.
Anyway, if teams that I like can't win a championship, I guess I'd rather see the wealth get spread around a bit. If the Cardinals actually have fans, they probably deserve a parade.
And for the record, if anybody can, in fact, confirm the existance of Arizona Cardinal fans, I'd love to hear about it.
Showing posts with label Hot Chicks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hot Chicks. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
So Sue Me!?
This is the kind of story that makes me think that women and sports just don't go together quite as well as we'd all hoped they would.
Yup, Kaitlin Dauner is suing her school, Indian Hills, for an injury she sustained while playing for their girls basketball team.
The team played an informal scrimmage against the boys, and poor Kaitlin suffered a separated shoulder when the game became "excessively physical." She blames this on the school's failure to provide "adequate supervision, referees or athletic trainers" for the scrimmage.
So what she's saying is that every time you get banged up playing a little bit of street ball, you should file a suit against your buddies for pain and suffering. Because that's what this amounts to.
When you think about it, you've got women competing in mixed martial arts, college and professional basketball, softball, football, hockey, boxing and just about anything else that men are willing to strap on a helmet or a jockstrap to play.
And while the obvious knock against women's sports is the lack of skill and athleticism featured by men (largely due to the fact that, at least in our era, women don't get the same level of training, and most times, don't start playing as young as the guys), the toughness of the female athlete has never been called into question quite this way before.
The irony is, that quite often, women have proven able to show the sort of sportsmanship (sportswomanship?) and reason that's often missing in the men's game. Like in this story, where Sara Tucholsky homered, then tore ligaments in her knee... and was carried around the bases by her opponents, Mallory Holtzman and Liz Wallace.
Could you ever, in a million years, imagine Roger Clemens coming off the mound, and with the help of Derek Jeter... carrying David Eckstein around the bases after a home run? And now that you've tried to imagine it, isn't it sorta funny? I'm getting off the topic.
Think about the story above. What if Sara Tucholsky would have sued, blaming the injury on the "excessively physical" nature of the sport she chose to play?
My guess is that nobody put a gun to Kaitlin Dauner's head and made her play against the boys. She chose to, because as any female athlete will probably tell you, women LOVE getting a chance to show that they can hold their own against the guys.
In closing, Kaitlin, you should drop the suit... and try to show that you're at least TRYING to be as tough as these girls. They don't look very tough there. How about here? Still not tough enough. What about now? Or this one? Yeah,. that's more like it.
Can you tell that I'm enjoying having a reason to link pictures to the Lingerie Bowl? I won't apologize for that. It's why you all love me.
Yup, Kaitlin Dauner is suing her school, Indian Hills, for an injury she sustained while playing for their girls basketball team.
The team played an informal scrimmage against the boys, and poor Kaitlin suffered a separated shoulder when the game became "excessively physical." She blames this on the school's failure to provide "adequate supervision, referees or athletic trainers" for the scrimmage.
So what she's saying is that every time you get banged up playing a little bit of street ball, you should file a suit against your buddies for pain and suffering. Because that's what this amounts to.
When you think about it, you've got women competing in mixed martial arts, college and professional basketball, softball, football, hockey, boxing and just about anything else that men are willing to strap on a helmet or a jockstrap to play.
And while the obvious knock against women's sports is the lack of skill and athleticism featured by men (largely due to the fact that, at least in our era, women don't get the same level of training, and most times, don't start playing as young as the guys), the toughness of the female athlete has never been called into question quite this way before.
The irony is, that quite often, women have proven able to show the sort of sportsmanship (sportswomanship?) and reason that's often missing in the men's game. Like in this story, where Sara Tucholsky homered, then tore ligaments in her knee... and was carried around the bases by her opponents, Mallory Holtzman and Liz Wallace.
Could you ever, in a million years, imagine Roger Clemens coming off the mound, and with the help of Derek Jeter... carrying David Eckstein around the bases after a home run? And now that you've tried to imagine it, isn't it sorta funny? I'm getting off the topic.
Think about the story above. What if Sara Tucholsky would have sued, blaming the injury on the "excessively physical" nature of the sport she chose to play?
My guess is that nobody put a gun to Kaitlin Dauner's head and made her play against the boys. She chose to, because as any female athlete will probably tell you, women LOVE getting a chance to show that they can hold their own against the guys.
In closing, Kaitlin, you should drop the suit... and try to show that you're at least TRYING to be as tough as these girls. They don't look very tough there. How about here? Still not tough enough. What about now? Or this one? Yeah,. that's more like it.
Can you tell that I'm enjoying having a reason to link pictures to the Lingerie Bowl? I won't apologize for that. It's why you all love me.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Baseballs Off-Season: What We Know So Far and What it Means
1) Ryan Dumpster went back to the Cubs. Which probably means very little, because he's not going to win 17 games with an ERA+ of 151 again next year. I'm still stunned that he did it once.
2) C.C. Sabathia is being chased by everybody. The Yankees, Brewers, Angels, Giants, maybe the Red Sox and Mets. Which still means that he's probably going to end up a Yankee. From what I understand, the Yankees philosophy regarding Sabathia is that 6 years, $140 Million was their starting point. If Sabathia wants more, all he's got to do is ask for it.
It's very hard to imagine Sabathia, in this day and age, choosing to take $30-$40 Million dollars less to play in San Francisco. In fact, it's very hard to imagine anybody, in the history of ever, anywhere, actually WANTING to take $30 to $40 Million dollars less than they're being offered to do something, because that's a ton of money. That's Dustin Pedroia's entire new contract. Think about your salary. Then think about taking a 30 or 40% paycut... and tell me what you think of that. So yeah. He'll be a Yankee.
3) Dustin Pedroia got a new contract. Which, again, means very little. It means that he can stuff his boots with hundred dollar bills, and prop himself up a little bit. Like Tom Cruise does. And when he's done, maybe he'll stand a full five feet tall. I still think his Rookie of the Year and MVP awards are incredible fucking travesties. But whatever. He'll be in Boston for a long time.
4) People really think Derek Lowe's a good pitcher. How did this happen? Seriously? How? Did Derek Lowe hijack a fucking satellite-mounted laser beam and threaten to vaporize every kitten in America if anybody talks about the fact, that he's a slightly above average pitcher in a terrible division, and is on the wrong side of 35 years of age? What is causing people to have a Titsworth over Derek Lowe?
5) The Yankees didn't offer arbitration to Bobby Abreu or Andy Pettitte. Everybody is claiming that this is because of the poor economy and financial crunch. They're saying that the Yankees don't want to pay $16 Million each for these guys in arbitration. These people are about 33% correct.
The Yankees don't want Bobby Abreu or Andy Pettitte on their team next year. At all. Abreu's looking for 3 years, $45 Million on the free agent market. He's not going to get it. I doubt anybody's going to go beyond 2 years, with a club option 3rd for Abreu. And I'd guess the annual value will top out around $12 Million. So if your best offer is 2 years, $24 Million, what do you do? You take arbitration from the Yankees and make $16 Million for one more year. And then the Yankees are stuck with Abreu, in addition to Nady, Matsui, Damon and Swisher. There's no room for Brett Gardner or Melky Cabrera. Or Manny Ramirez. Or Adam Dunn.
And as for Pettitte, is he really worth $16 Million? He'd take arbitration in a heartbeat if it was offered. Would you rather spend that money on Andy Pettitte, or Ben Sheets? How about A.J. Burnett? Mark Teixeira? Manny Ramirez? Adam Dunn? Or Andy Pettitte? They don't want him back. They offered him a 1 year, $10 Million, take-it-or-leave-it contract. Does that sound like somebody the Yankees want?
5) Adam Dunn wasn't offered arbitration by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Which was a pretty stupid decision. Why? 40 homers and 100+ RBI every year. That's why. Despite the low batting average, Dunn gets on base and hits for a ton of power. The Yankees would love to grab him, but might have jumped at Nick Swisher a little too fast. Boston also might take a hard look, especially since they don't have to surrender draft picks. The Mets would be completely retarded not to try and sign this guy. The bottom line is... somebody is going to sign him. For a bunch of years, and a bunch of dollars. The D'Backs should have gotten some draft picks for it.
And on a completely unrelated note... why didn't anybody tell me about Tim Tebow's girlfriend? She gets a tag. In fact, she gets two tags. One for her. And one for her giant breasts. Actually, two for her giant breasts... because without them, she wouldn't be getting a tag. I'm just repeating the phrase "giant breasts" so I have an excuse to link more pictures. You're welcome.
2) C.C. Sabathia is being chased by everybody. The Yankees, Brewers, Angels, Giants, maybe the Red Sox and Mets. Which still means that he's probably going to end up a Yankee. From what I understand, the Yankees philosophy regarding Sabathia is that 6 years, $140 Million was their starting point. If Sabathia wants more, all he's got to do is ask for it.
It's very hard to imagine Sabathia, in this day and age, choosing to take $30-$40 Million dollars less to play in San Francisco. In fact, it's very hard to imagine anybody, in the history of ever, anywhere, actually WANTING to take $30 to $40 Million dollars less than they're being offered to do something, because that's a ton of money. That's Dustin Pedroia's entire new contract. Think about your salary. Then think about taking a 30 or 40% paycut... and tell me what you think of that. So yeah. He'll be a Yankee.
3) Dustin Pedroia got a new contract. Which, again, means very little. It means that he can stuff his boots with hundred dollar bills, and prop himself up a little bit. Like Tom Cruise does. And when he's done, maybe he'll stand a full five feet tall. I still think his Rookie of the Year and MVP awards are incredible fucking travesties. But whatever. He'll be in Boston for a long time.
4) People really think Derek Lowe's a good pitcher. How did this happen? Seriously? How? Did Derek Lowe hijack a fucking satellite-mounted laser beam and threaten to vaporize every kitten in America if anybody talks about the fact, that he's a slightly above average pitcher in a terrible division, and is on the wrong side of 35 years of age? What is causing people to have a Titsworth over Derek Lowe?
5) The Yankees didn't offer arbitration to Bobby Abreu or Andy Pettitte. Everybody is claiming that this is because of the poor economy and financial crunch. They're saying that the Yankees don't want to pay $16 Million each for these guys in arbitration. These people are about 33% correct.
The Yankees don't want Bobby Abreu or Andy Pettitte on their team next year. At all. Abreu's looking for 3 years, $45 Million on the free agent market. He's not going to get it. I doubt anybody's going to go beyond 2 years, with a club option 3rd for Abreu. And I'd guess the annual value will top out around $12 Million. So if your best offer is 2 years, $24 Million, what do you do? You take arbitration from the Yankees and make $16 Million for one more year. And then the Yankees are stuck with Abreu, in addition to Nady, Matsui, Damon and Swisher. There's no room for Brett Gardner or Melky Cabrera. Or Manny Ramirez. Or Adam Dunn.
And as for Pettitte, is he really worth $16 Million? He'd take arbitration in a heartbeat if it was offered. Would you rather spend that money on Andy Pettitte, or Ben Sheets? How about A.J. Burnett? Mark Teixeira? Manny Ramirez? Adam Dunn? Or Andy Pettitte? They don't want him back. They offered him a 1 year, $10 Million, take-it-or-leave-it contract. Does that sound like somebody the Yankees want?
5) Adam Dunn wasn't offered arbitration by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Which was a pretty stupid decision. Why? 40 homers and 100+ RBI every year. That's why. Despite the low batting average, Dunn gets on base and hits for a ton of power. The Yankees would love to grab him, but might have jumped at Nick Swisher a little too fast. Boston also might take a hard look, especially since they don't have to surrender draft picks. The Mets would be completely retarded not to try and sign this guy. The bottom line is... somebody is going to sign him. For a bunch of years, and a bunch of dollars. The D'Backs should have gotten some draft picks for it.
And on a completely unrelated note... why didn't anybody tell me about Tim Tebow's girlfriend? She gets a tag. In fact, she gets two tags. One for her. And one for her giant breasts. Actually, two for her giant breasts... because without them, she wouldn't be getting a tag. I'm just repeating the phrase "giant breasts" so I have an excuse to link more pictures. You're welcome.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Porn Names in MLB?
Here's the list...
It was written by some guy. The cool thing about it is that "some guy" might actually have less credibility than me! Well, I'm gonna steal his idea with a very slight variation. Baseball players with Porn names... but specifically CHICK PORN NAMES!!! If you saw girls with these names chowing box in a girl-on-girl movie, you wouldn't bat an eye about it. Just for the hell of it, I'm gonna link chick pictures whenever possible!!!
1) Kosuke Fukudome - How can anybody possibly beat this name? Break it down by syllable! Fuck-You, Do Me!!!!!!! What's more porn than that!?
2) Chase Headley - Hahaha, his name actually involves the words "Chase Head"
3) B.J. Upton - Girls named B.J. can go a long way in the business.
4) Kerry Wood - Kerri? Never the less, she loves the wood.
5) Dana Eveland - Just think of the name Eve Land, as a secondary innuendo for the vagina, in an Adam and Eve sort of way.
6) Joey Devine - Yeah, I'm picking on the Oakland A's. I didn't give this guy the same last name as Ava.
7) Dallas McPherson - Brings new meaning to Debbie Does Dallas.
8) Jesse Litsch - If you say it fast... or if you call him Jesse-liscious. Which isn't a stretch.
9) Coco Crisp - First search of the name Coco on Google Images. I rest my case.
10) Randy Winn - Who also should have made the male list... with a name like RANDY. That goes both ways...
It was written by some guy. The cool thing about it is that "some guy" might actually have less credibility than me! Well, I'm gonna steal his idea with a very slight variation. Baseball players with Porn names... but specifically CHICK PORN NAMES!!! If you saw girls with these names chowing box in a girl-on-girl movie, you wouldn't bat an eye about it. Just for the hell of it, I'm gonna link chick pictures whenever possible!!!
1) Kosuke Fukudome - How can anybody possibly beat this name? Break it down by syllable! Fuck-You, Do Me!!!!!!! What's more porn than that!?
2) Chase Headley - Hahaha, his name actually involves the words "Chase Head"
3) B.J. Upton - Girls named B.J. can go a long way in the business.
4) Kerry Wood - Kerri? Never the less, she loves the wood.
5) Dana Eveland - Just think of the name Eve Land, as a secondary innuendo for the vagina, in an Adam and Eve sort of way.
6) Joey Devine - Yeah, I'm picking on the Oakland A's. I didn't give this guy the same last name as Ava.
7) Dallas McPherson - Brings new meaning to Debbie Does Dallas.
8) Jesse Litsch - If you say it fast... or if you call him Jesse-liscious. Which isn't a stretch.
9) Coco Crisp - First search of the name Coco on Google Images. I rest my case.
10) Randy Winn - Who also should have made the male list... with a name like RANDY. That goes both ways...
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
My first (Hat)Post!
For those of you who've been to FJM, either by my rampant promotion of them, or just because you know your way around the net and found it yourself, you'll know this guy. His name is Mike Celizic, aka Hat Guy. I've been dying to write something of Hat Guy's up for months now, and I finally have the chance, so suffice to say, I'm a happy (Hat) guy! And better still... because Mr. Hat's article involves Jessica Simpson... the blue links will probably bring you to pictures of her, which is always nice. So here we go...
There should be great rejoicing in Dallas at the news that Tony Romo has told gal pal Jessica Simpson that it’s been a fun summer, but now it’s time for football.
Most people probably don't care, because most people probably aren't dumb enough to believe that it's her fault the Cowboys lost to the Giants. Then again, we are talking about Texans here... so maybe I'm wrong and Mr. Hat is right. Yeah, lets go with that. Lets blame the Cowboys loss on this.
Simpson probably isn’t used to hearing that there is something in the world more important than she is.
She doesn't strike me as self-obsessed, a little ditzy for sure, but not a complete self-absorbed bitch.
It’s not anything most women, let alone a famous actress and singer, want to hear from their men.
Ahh, makes more sense now. This is more along the lines of "misogynistic comment from a guy who hasn't been fucked since he served that stint in prison for stealing hats" than "an attack on Jessica Simpson because... well... she probably can't read and thus won't see it."
Quarterbacks, not even famous ones playing for the legendary Dallas Cowboys, don’t have time for romances with high-maintenance celebrities. Look at Tom Brady, the other swinging NFL bachelor quarterback.
*Head scratch* Umm... wha? Oh, okay I understand. The word "not" screws this entire sentence. Now I understand Mr. Professional Hat-Wielding Journalist. So how many NFL Quarterbacks have you spoken to? You know... to verify your poorly-stated findings? None? Ahh, okay. And yes, lets look at Tom Brady. The Tom Brady who was in NY playing with his super-model girlfriend the week before the Super Bowl... in which he played poorly...and in which his team lost. The difference? Pats fans blame their Offensive Line. And Matt Walsh.
His girlfriend is a famous model, Gisele “The Brady” Bundchen, but she doesn’t have an ego that needs constand feeding. (Misspelling is his)
Gisele "The Brady" Bundchen? Number one... that's not even slightly funny. And number two, Chris Berman is on the phone with his lawyers right now. He's made a 30+ career out of shitty nickname jokes and you can't just shit all over his trademark Mr. Celizic!! How would you like it if Chris Berman started wearing a hat?
They spend time together usually without anyone even being aware he’s in New York staying over.
Or maybe his fans are smart enough to understand that he doesn't have a bad game because he's distracted by his girlfriend. Whereas George Carlin once said that the best thing about the Death Penalty in Texas is... less Texans.
Guys like Peyton Manning and Bret Favre like to have everything in order. So they get married young, and they usually stay married. And they marry good, solid women who understand that they’re not just wives but also a support team.
There you have it. They figure it's best to get all that stupid family shit out of the way early so they can concentrate on football. In fact, most NFL Quarterbacks have arranged marriages. It works sort of like this:
Dan Marino: Hey coach...
High School Coach: Yes, young Dan Marino?
DM: I'm thinking that I need to get marriage out of the way before life gets messy.
HSC: Probably a good idea, young Dan!
DM: So here's what I want. I want you to find me a woman... but not just any woman. A good, solid woman!!
HSC: Good, check. Solid, check. Strong on plow too?
DM: Yeah, strong on plow. But you know... a woman who understands that she's a support team, and that football comes ahead of things like having children and loving each other.
HSC: So I'm looking for a good, solid woman who's strong on plow and doesn't mind that you don't love her or want to spend time with her. Got it. Shouldn't be too hard.
And the ones who don’t get married sort of dabble in romance, like Brady, but without letting the relationship get in the way of football.
Except for that time that he was limping around NY with Gisele the week before the Super Bowl, which his team lost. Or the time when he dumped his baby mama, and dragged all that baby mama drama around with him for several months.
Romo seemed a different case. His last girlfriend was another high-profile actress, Jennifer Anniston. Then it was Simpson, who came with her very involved – some would say meddling – father, Joe, and her sister and the whole Simpson clan.
1) Her name is spelled Jennifer Aniston, with only one N, got that Mike Spelizic?!
2) Tony Romo never dated her. His last high-profile actress was Carrie Underwood, not Jennifer Aniston. Did you fact-check any of this Hat Guy?
3) Joe Simpson's a little crazy. Ashlee Simpson's married with a kid (maybe) on the way. How much of a headache can she possibly be? Has anybody heard anything about anybody else in that family? Like ever?
Cowboy fans decided she was bad luck, which is a little harsh.
Then why are you writing this article Mr. Top Hat? And if the 2008 Cowboy's failings are the fault of Jessica Simpson and bad luck, then who are the blaming for 2007, when he couldn't take a fucking snap? Maybe Romo is just a choke artist.
And now they’re back together, except he’s concentrating on football first and if he’s got some spare moments, she’s welcome to come over and watch him study game film.
Tony, Jessica, do yourselves a favor and check outside your window. In the bushes, there must surely be a man in a hat. He's watching you. He knows what you do when you're alone... or maybe he's talking out his ass again, like when he misspelled Jennifer Aniston's name while insisting (wrongly) that she's dated Tony Romo.
There should be great rejoicing in Dallas at the news that Tony Romo has told gal pal Jessica Simpson that it’s been a fun summer, but now it’s time for football.
Most people probably don't care, because most people probably aren't dumb enough to believe that it's her fault the Cowboys lost to the Giants. Then again, we are talking about Texans here... so maybe I'm wrong and Mr. Hat is right. Yeah, lets go with that. Lets blame the Cowboys loss on this.
Simpson probably isn’t used to hearing that there is something in the world more important than she is.
She doesn't strike me as self-obsessed, a little ditzy for sure, but not a complete self-absorbed bitch.
It’s not anything most women, let alone a famous actress and singer, want to hear from their men.
Ahh, makes more sense now. This is more along the lines of "misogynistic comment from a guy who hasn't been fucked since he served that stint in prison for stealing hats" than "an attack on Jessica Simpson because... well... she probably can't read and thus won't see it."
Quarterbacks, not even famous ones playing for the legendary Dallas Cowboys, don’t have time for romances with high-maintenance celebrities. Look at Tom Brady, the other swinging NFL bachelor quarterback.
*Head scratch* Umm... wha? Oh, okay I understand. The word "not" screws this entire sentence. Now I understand Mr. Professional Hat-Wielding Journalist. So how many NFL Quarterbacks have you spoken to? You know... to verify your poorly-stated findings? None? Ahh, okay. And yes, lets look at Tom Brady. The Tom Brady who was in NY playing with his super-model girlfriend the week before the Super Bowl... in which he played poorly...and in which his team lost. The difference? Pats fans blame their Offensive Line. And Matt Walsh.
His girlfriend is a famous model, Gisele “The Brady” Bundchen, but she doesn’t have an ego that needs constand feeding. (Misspelling is his)
Gisele "The Brady" Bundchen? Number one... that's not even slightly funny. And number two, Chris Berman is on the phone with his lawyers right now. He's made a 30+ career out of shitty nickname jokes and you can't just shit all over his trademark Mr. Celizic!! How would you like it if Chris Berman started wearing a hat?
They spend time together usually without anyone even being aware he’s in New York staying over.
Or maybe his fans are smart enough to understand that he doesn't have a bad game because he's distracted by his girlfriend. Whereas George Carlin once said that the best thing about the Death Penalty in Texas is... less Texans.
Guys like Peyton Manning and Bret Favre like to have everything in order. So they get married young, and they usually stay married. And they marry good, solid women who understand that they’re not just wives but also a support team.
There you have it. They figure it's best to get all that stupid family shit out of the way early so they can concentrate on football. In fact, most NFL Quarterbacks have arranged marriages. It works sort of like this:
Dan Marino: Hey coach...
High School Coach: Yes, young Dan Marino?
DM: I'm thinking that I need to get marriage out of the way before life gets messy.
HSC: Probably a good idea, young Dan!
DM: So here's what I want. I want you to find me a woman... but not just any woman. A good, solid woman!!
HSC: Good, check. Solid, check. Strong on plow too?
DM: Yeah, strong on plow. But you know... a woman who understands that she's a support team, and that football comes ahead of things like having children and loving each other.
HSC: So I'm looking for a good, solid woman who's strong on plow and doesn't mind that you don't love her or want to spend time with her. Got it. Shouldn't be too hard.
And the ones who don’t get married sort of dabble in romance, like Brady, but without letting the relationship get in the way of football.
Except for that time that he was limping around NY with Gisele the week before the Super Bowl, which his team lost. Or the time when he dumped his baby mama, and dragged all that baby mama drama around with him for several months.
Romo seemed a different case. His last girlfriend was another high-profile actress, Jennifer Anniston. Then it was Simpson, who came with her very involved – some would say meddling – father, Joe, and her sister and the whole Simpson clan.
1) Her name is spelled Jennifer Aniston, with only one N, got that Mike Spelizic?!
2) Tony Romo never dated her. His last high-profile actress was Carrie Underwood, not Jennifer Aniston. Did you fact-check any of this Hat Guy?
3) Joe Simpson's a little crazy. Ashlee Simpson's married with a kid (maybe) on the way. How much of a headache can she possibly be? Has anybody heard anything about anybody else in that family? Like ever?
Cowboy fans decided she was bad luck, which is a little harsh.
Then why are you writing this article Mr. Top Hat? And if the 2008 Cowboy's failings are the fault of Jessica Simpson and bad luck, then who are the blaming for 2007, when he couldn't take a fucking snap? Maybe Romo is just a choke artist.
And now they’re back together, except he’s concentrating on football first and if he’s got some spare moments, she’s welcome to come over and watch him study game film.
Tony, Jessica, do yourselves a favor and check outside your window. In the bushes, there must surely be a man in a hat. He's watching you. He knows what you do when you're alone... or maybe he's talking out his ass again, like when he misspelled Jennifer Aniston's name while insisting (wrongly) that she's dated Tony Romo.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Contrary to Popular Belief!!!
In direct contradiction to every stereotype to ever exist about men...
Here is proof that guys find a girl with a brain sexy.
The fact of the matter is that the only people who specifically want to date retarded women, are retarded men. So yeah, if we're talking about dating trends among inbred, West Virginians... then IQ's probably not very high on the list.
However, if we're talking about big cities or even suburban life... having something to talk about is definitely high on the list. Not as high up the list as nice tits... but pretty high.
The point is this ladies. Now would be a good time to go get yourself a library card. Don't trade your gym membership for it... but having both might be a good idea.
Unless you wanna date this guy. And you're gonna have to fight Pam for him.
Here is proof that guys find a girl with a brain sexy.
The fact of the matter is that the only people who specifically want to date retarded women, are retarded men. So yeah, if we're talking about dating trends among inbred, West Virginians... then IQ's probably not very high on the list.
However, if we're talking about big cities or even suburban life... having something to talk about is definitely high on the list. Not as high up the list as nice tits... but pretty high.
The point is this ladies. Now would be a good time to go get yourself a library card. Don't trade your gym membership for it... but having both might be a good idea.
Unless you wanna date this guy. And you're gonna have to fight Pam for him.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Girls Gone Wild! You're Doing It Wrong!!!
Check this out guys...
It had to be a chick from New York, didn't it? Smoking on a plane, bitchslapping flight attendants and spewing racial slurs like a Lohan on Crystal Meth!
They're saying she had 2 beers in the airport and 3 'vodka drinks' on the plane. So five drinks. If this bitch got that nuts on five drinks, I'm DYING to see what she'd do during a full night at a crazy, fucked up bar.
If you're Christina Szele, or you know her, or whatever, point her in this direction. Christina, I'm hereby inviting you out to Coyote Ugly's for a night of drunken antics. The night will be entirely on me, but I'll give you fair warning that anything that happens will be written about the next day.
And before anybody gets their brain broken over it, NO, I'm not looking to get lucky with a drunk chick. That's not how I roll (plus I'm happily taken). I just kinda want to see some train-wreck chick getting fucked up and starting the Royal Rumble on top of the bar.
It had to be a chick from New York, didn't it? Smoking on a plane, bitchslapping flight attendants and spewing racial slurs like a Lohan on Crystal Meth!
They're saying she had 2 beers in the airport and 3 'vodka drinks' on the plane. So five drinks. If this bitch got that nuts on five drinks, I'm DYING to see what she'd do during a full night at a crazy, fucked up bar.
If you're Christina Szele, or you know her, or whatever, point her in this direction. Christina, I'm hereby inviting you out to Coyote Ugly's for a night of drunken antics. The night will be entirely on me, but I'll give you fair warning that anything that happens will be written about the next day.
And before anybody gets their brain broken over it, NO, I'm not looking to get lucky with a drunk chick. That's not how I roll (plus I'm happily taken). I just kinda want to see some train-wreck chick getting fucked up and starting the Royal Rumble on top of the bar.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
The Count is No Balls and Two Dykes
I'm sure I'm getting to this late. I blame that on all of you because nobody tipped me off about it, I had to find it on my own. And for the record, I'm totally taking advantage of every chance to link chicks kissing.
Apparently a couple of chicks were going at it during a Mariner game and it upset some people. God, where do I go with this for a cheap laugh? I'll just make a list:
1) Isn't this the most exciting thing that's happened at a Mariner game all season?
2) If I pay for plane tickets, will these girls come watch Yankees games instead?
3) Can Adrian Beltre get some love from these girls? He's got no balls, which practically makes him a lesbian.
Some people claimed that these girls were groping each other and whatnot, to which they state that they were "eating garlic fries and giving each other brief kisses."
Have you ever tried to get someone to come within 17 feet of your mouth while eating garlic fries? This is obviously true love, which brings me to my exciting conclusion.
If lesbians want to go to baseball games, more power to them.
If they want to kiss at baseball games, again, more power to them.
If they want to get completely naked at baseball games and give each other Brazilian waxes behind home plate, then I'm probably going to start watching a lot more baseball.
I know, I know. You're saying, "Well, what about me? I'm a parent!! What am I supposed to tell my kids when they see two women scissoring in the on-base circle?!" Well here's what you tell your kids.
"Don't tell your mother."
And just because I can...
Apparently a couple of chicks were going at it during a Mariner game and it upset some people. God, where do I go with this for a cheap laugh? I'll just make a list:
1) Isn't this the most exciting thing that's happened at a Mariner game all season?
2) If I pay for plane tickets, will these girls come watch Yankees games instead?
3) Can Adrian Beltre get some love from these girls? He's got no balls, which practically makes him a lesbian.
Some people claimed that these girls were groping each other and whatnot, to which they state that they were "eating garlic fries and giving each other brief kisses."
Have you ever tried to get someone to come within 17 feet of your mouth while eating garlic fries? This is obviously true love, which brings me to my exciting conclusion.
If lesbians want to go to baseball games, more power to them.
If they want to kiss at baseball games, again, more power to them.
If they want to get completely naked at baseball games and give each other Brazilian waxes behind home plate, then I'm probably going to start watching a lot more baseball.
I know, I know. You're saying, "Well, what about me? I'm a parent!! What am I supposed to tell my kids when they see two women scissoring in the on-base circle?!" Well here's what you tell your kids.
"Don't tell your mother."
And just because I can...
Monday, June 2, 2008
This Isn't Just a Sports Blog!!
Regular people suck every bit as much as stupid athletes and dipshit journalists. And with that in mind, I'm going to try something new. Thanks to a section of the New York Daily News called "Voice of the People", any jackass can write in to the newspaper and get their jackassedness printed. And some of this stuff tends to get pretty bad, for example.
Bronx: Re Voicer Adam Schiavone's ignorant comment about Kurt Cobain's suicide: Kurt Cobain was murdered. You'll find detailed evidence at justiceforkurt.com. Jennifer R. Levinsky
If by "detailed evidence" you mean, "a collection of 14 years worth of conspiracy theories" then yeah, you'll find that at justiceforkurt.com. Here's a newsflash for you people. Dave Grohl didn't kill Kurt. Neither did Courtney Love. You know why?
Because Kurt Cobain is alive. He's taxiing around the fucking galaxy with Elvis Presley and the guy who killed O.J.'s wife. You can find detailed evidence of this at BlowMeYouPsychoConspiracyTheorists.com!!
Bronx: Re Voicer Adam Schiavone's ignorant comment about Kurt Cobain's suicide: Kurt Cobain was murdered. You'll find detailed evidence at justiceforkurt.com. Jennifer R. Levinsky
If by "detailed evidence" you mean, "a collection of 14 years worth of conspiracy theories" then yeah, you'll find that at justiceforkurt.com. Here's a newsflash for you people. Dave Grohl didn't kill Kurt. Neither did Courtney Love. You know why?
Because Kurt Cobain is alive. He's taxiing around the fucking galaxy with Elvis Presley and the guy who killed O.J.'s wife. You can find detailed evidence of this at BlowMeYouPsychoConspiracyTheorists.com!!
-----
Let me preface the next topic by saying that it's something I've got a bit of experience with. It's something I've been pretty good at in my life, despite not being great looking or rich. Yeah, we're going to talk briefly about picking up women.
Astoria: The iPod has severely hurt the singles scene. More ladies are wearing iPods than are not. Now a guy like me who would want to talk to a lady cannot. Sal Sessa
Sal!!! Sally boy!!! Sallllll-vaaaaaa-torrrrrre!!! Don't worry, I'm Italian. It's my birthright to make fun of other Italians. And to have a mother with a mustache. Sorry Mom.
First and foremost, where are you trying to pick up women Sal? On the train? Walking in the streets? Or are women actually wearing their iPods out to bars and at the museum and stuff... cuz I must have missed that.
The problem isn't the iPod Sal. The problem is that they're not interested in you, or maybe just not interested in being hit on by ANYBODY at that moment.
Here's why girls like to wear headphones on the street/train/etc. It prevents them from hearing your stupid catcalls. Turning around when someone yells something at you is a very instinctive thing, and the second a woman turns around after you yelled "Hey bayyyy-beeeeee!!!! Bada-bing!!!!" you get encouraged. You think she's interested. She's not interested. Because seventeen guys have shouted the same thing, while wearing the same clothes, with the same stupid fucking spiky 'Growing-Up-Gotti' hairstyle since she left her house an hour ago.
And if she can manage to completely ignore you, there's a chance that you're not going to follow her for 3 blocks. The iPod goes a long way towards saving a chick from having to file a restraining order against you. Be thankful for it.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Rape is more Clean Cut than Tattoos!
For the record out of the gate here, maybe I'm bias because I'm up to 8 tattoos, and I'm dating the most beautiful woman in the world, and she's also got a bunch of ink. I like tattoos, I plan to get more, and I don't see anything wrong with that.
I also think that whether a person likes tattoos or not, something like 95% of people are apathetic to whether or not another person has them. My dad's not a tattoo guy, but he couldn't care a chunk of gorilla poop if the guy who slices his cold cuts has them. He doesn't walk an extra block to buy a paper from someone who hasn't soiled the purity of their skin with a tramp stamp. Who gives a shit!
Jason Whitlock does. And he's certain that you do too.
Over the next couple of weeks you'll hear lots of theories about why TV ratings are surging for the NBA playoffs.
We're heading towards Lakers-Celtics? Chris Paul? LeBron James? Kobe? Tim Duncan? Garnett, Pierce and Ray Allen's rotting remains? The fact that every series has gone 7 games? Everybody holding home court? Tony Parker's appeal to fans of 'Desperate Housewives'?
The NBA has been experiencing a resurgence ever since the Suns traded for Shaquille O'Neal, the Lakers acquired Pau Gasol, the Mavericks got hoodwinked into snagging Jason Kidd and the Cavaliers picked up new spare parts for LeBron.
So this isn't even something that started in the playoffs then. The Shaq/Gasol/Kidd/Zombie Formerly Known as Ben Wallace trades happened months ago.
But there's one issue driving improved ratings that likely won't be touched by all the NBA talking heads on TNT and ESPN.
You think the shitty officiating is improving ratings?
Tattoos. Or rather the lack of tattoos in the conference finals.
Oh yeah, the lack of tattoos! Why didn't I think of... wait... what?!
Part of the reason more people are watching these playoffs is because the average fan isn't constantly repulsed by the appearance of most of the players on the court. Most of the key players left in the playoffs don't look like recent prison parolees.
First off, if Jason Whitlock were white, could he write this without getting fired and beaten with Don Imus? Like literally, someone picking up Don Imus and swinging him like a 7-iron at Jason Whitlock! Recent prison parolees?! Because of some tattoos?
And second, the average fan is repulsed to the point of not watching a game on TV by this? Really?! So if we added up ALL BASKETBALL FANS, and divided them by their sum, what we'd come out with is a guy who doesn't watch basketball because of Allen Iverson? I highly doubt that.
The only accurate way to describe Garnett, Pierce, Duncan, Allen, Manu, Parker and even Kobe is "clean cut."
I don't know if I'd label as being Kevin Garnett "squeaky clean." Have a look. Kind of looks like he wants to commit a random act of violence against a midget... doesn't he?
Yeah, there are a couple of tattoos in that group — Duncan has something on his back, Kobe still has his post-rape-allegation tat
Cue the band!!!!! And make them dances FUNKY BEEEOOOOTCH!!!
It's better for rating to be a rapist than to have tattoos! Kobe has his post-rape allegation tat!! And that's alright! Because not only does nobody mind his tattoo... NOBODY MINDS THAT THERE WERE RAPE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST HIM!!! And why? Because he's fucking terrific at basketball! Before you Laker fans flood me with hate mail, let me say this:
I do understand that Kobe was cleared of wrong-doing and found not guilty, but the entire premise of Jason Whitlock's argument is that people refuse to watch basketball because of their conservative natures. People as a whole, are conservative and hate tattoos, because people with them look like "recent prison parolees."
But these same conservative people have completely forgotten that Kobe Bryant was accused of raping the desk clerk at a hotel in Colorado like an hour and a half ago.
I know many of you probably think the number of tattoos doesn't influence viewing habits.
You're finally speaking to me dude. Now you're going to tell me that you were intentionally exaggerating or just dicking around, right?
You're wrong.
Fuck you! Fuck you for fostering hope where there is none. You are hopeless Jason Whitlock, utterly hopeless. Why don't you go ahead and try to relate this situation to sex in a purely unrelated way.
There's a reason you don't see nude scenes in movies with fat people. Trust me, fat people have sex. It's just no one wants to see it. Not even fat people.
Notice what Jason Whitlock does here. Jason Whitlock is fat, so when he says, "Trust me, fat people have sex", what he's really trying to say is "Trust me, I'm not a virgin." However, I've seen fat guys boning hot chicks. Want proof? Here's proof. He's chunky. And he's boned more hot chicks than you, me, Bill Simmons, Adam Duritz, John Mayer (who has tattoos and therefore will never sell any records) and Jason Whitlock combined. So apparently fat-person sex sells in the porn industry!
No one wants to watch Delonte West or Larry Hughes play basketball.
Because they suck?
It's uncomfortable and disconcerting. You don't want your kids to see it.
Yeah, they're pretty bad at basketball. Larry Hughes had a website dedicated to his suckage. I'd much rather my kid watch Allen Iverson and learn to play the game well.
You don't want your kids to think they should decorate their neck, arms, hands, chest and legs in paint. You don't want to waste time explaining to your kids that some millionaire athletes have so little genuine self-confidence that they find it necessary to cover themselves in tattoos as a way to mask their insecurities.
Fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck. FUCK!!! I thought Jason Whitlock got a clue for a second. He's now generalized the entire business and purpose of tattooing. Here is a scientific look at Jason Whitlock's argument.
Insecurity * Lack of Self-Confidence / Time In Prison = Tattoos
And here's my equation for this article!!
Ignorance + Fear * Being a Pussy Who's Scared of Pain = Jason Whitlock's Hatred of Inked Skin!!
It's all downhill in the article from this point on. But it's boring and I should wrap this up, so let me summarize.
Jason Whitlock is an insecure pussy who lacks self-confidence and expresses his ignorance of something he doesn't understand even slightly by railing against it with two pages worth of absolutely meaningless rambling that does absolutely nothing to explain why ratings are up during the NBA Playoffs.
Ratings are up because of the Lakers and Celtics, and because of Kobe, LeBron, Chris Paul, Tim Duncan, Pau Gasol, Tony Parker, Manu, etc. Because of a Game 7 in every series. And because there's really no clear-cut favorite this year, it's all up in the air and that's exciting.
Ratings are not up because Rajon Rondo is tattoo-free.
I also think that whether a person likes tattoos or not, something like 95% of people are apathetic to whether or not another person has them. My dad's not a tattoo guy, but he couldn't care a chunk of gorilla poop if the guy who slices his cold cuts has them. He doesn't walk an extra block to buy a paper from someone who hasn't soiled the purity of their skin with a tramp stamp. Who gives a shit!
Jason Whitlock does. And he's certain that you do too.
Over the next couple of weeks you'll hear lots of theories about why TV ratings are surging for the NBA playoffs.
We're heading towards Lakers-Celtics? Chris Paul? LeBron James? Kobe? Tim Duncan? Garnett, Pierce and Ray Allen's rotting remains? The fact that every series has gone 7 games? Everybody holding home court? Tony Parker's appeal to fans of 'Desperate Housewives'?
The NBA has been experiencing a resurgence ever since the Suns traded for Shaquille O'Neal, the Lakers acquired Pau Gasol, the Mavericks got hoodwinked into snagging Jason Kidd and the Cavaliers picked up new spare parts for LeBron.
So this isn't even something that started in the playoffs then. The Shaq/Gasol/Kidd/Zombie Formerly Known as Ben Wallace trades happened months ago.
But there's one issue driving improved ratings that likely won't be touched by all the NBA talking heads on TNT and ESPN.
You think the shitty officiating is improving ratings?
Tattoos. Or rather the lack of tattoos in the conference finals.
Oh yeah, the lack of tattoos! Why didn't I think of... wait... what?!
Part of the reason more people are watching these playoffs is because the average fan isn't constantly repulsed by the appearance of most of the players on the court. Most of the key players left in the playoffs don't look like recent prison parolees.
First off, if Jason Whitlock were white, could he write this without getting fired and beaten with Don Imus? Like literally, someone picking up Don Imus and swinging him like a 7-iron at Jason Whitlock! Recent prison parolees?! Because of some tattoos?
And second, the average fan is repulsed to the point of not watching a game on TV by this? Really?! So if we added up ALL BASKETBALL FANS, and divided them by their sum, what we'd come out with is a guy who doesn't watch basketball because of Allen Iverson? I highly doubt that.
The only accurate way to describe Garnett, Pierce, Duncan, Allen, Manu, Parker and even Kobe is "clean cut."
I don't know if I'd label as being Kevin Garnett "squeaky clean." Have a look. Kind of looks like he wants to commit a random act of violence against a midget... doesn't he?
Yeah, there are a couple of tattoos in that group — Duncan has something on his back, Kobe still has his post-rape-allegation tat
Cue the band!!!!! And make them dances FUNKY BEEEOOOOTCH!!!
It's better for rating to be a rapist than to have tattoos! Kobe has his post-rape allegation tat!! And that's alright! Because not only does nobody mind his tattoo... NOBODY MINDS THAT THERE WERE RAPE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST HIM!!! And why? Because he's fucking terrific at basketball! Before you Laker fans flood me with hate mail, let me say this:
I do understand that Kobe was cleared of wrong-doing and found not guilty, but the entire premise of Jason Whitlock's argument is that people refuse to watch basketball because of their conservative natures. People as a whole, are conservative and hate tattoos, because people with them look like "recent prison parolees."
But these same conservative people have completely forgotten that Kobe Bryant was accused of raping the desk clerk at a hotel in Colorado like an hour and a half ago.
I know many of you probably think the number of tattoos doesn't influence viewing habits.
You're finally speaking to me dude. Now you're going to tell me that you were intentionally exaggerating or just dicking around, right?
You're wrong.
Fuck you! Fuck you for fostering hope where there is none. You are hopeless Jason Whitlock, utterly hopeless. Why don't you go ahead and try to relate this situation to sex in a purely unrelated way.
There's a reason you don't see nude scenes in movies with fat people. Trust me, fat people have sex. It's just no one wants to see it. Not even fat people.
Notice what Jason Whitlock does here. Jason Whitlock is fat, so when he says, "Trust me, fat people have sex", what he's really trying to say is "Trust me, I'm not a virgin." However, I've seen fat guys boning hot chicks. Want proof? Here's proof. He's chunky. And he's boned more hot chicks than you, me, Bill Simmons, Adam Duritz, John Mayer (who has tattoos and therefore will never sell any records) and Jason Whitlock combined. So apparently fat-person sex sells in the porn industry!
No one wants to watch Delonte West or Larry Hughes play basketball.
Because they suck?
It's uncomfortable and disconcerting. You don't want your kids to see it.
Yeah, they're pretty bad at basketball. Larry Hughes had a website dedicated to his suckage. I'd much rather my kid watch Allen Iverson and learn to play the game well.
You don't want your kids to think they should decorate their neck, arms, hands, chest and legs in paint. You don't want to waste time explaining to your kids that some millionaire athletes have so little genuine self-confidence that they find it necessary to cover themselves in tattoos as a way to mask their insecurities.
Fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck. FUCK!!! I thought Jason Whitlock got a clue for a second. He's now generalized the entire business and purpose of tattooing. Here is a scientific look at Jason Whitlock's argument.
Insecurity * Lack of Self-Confidence / Time In Prison = Tattoos
And here's my equation for this article!!
Ignorance + Fear * Being a Pussy Who's Scared of Pain = Jason Whitlock's Hatred of Inked Skin!!
It's all downhill in the article from this point on. But it's boring and I should wrap this up, so let me summarize.
Jason Whitlock is an insecure pussy who lacks self-confidence and expresses his ignorance of something he doesn't understand even slightly by railing against it with two pages worth of absolutely meaningless rambling that does absolutely nothing to explain why ratings are up during the NBA Playoffs.
Ratings are up because of the Lakers and Celtics, and because of Kobe, LeBron, Chris Paul, Tim Duncan, Pau Gasol, Tony Parker, Manu, etc. Because of a Game 7 in every series. And because there's really no clear-cut favorite this year, it's all up in the air and that's exciting.
Ratings are not up because Rajon Rondo is tattoo-free.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Punch Lines are for Pussies!
As many of you know (and you can probably tell) I'm new at this. What separates this blog from every other sports blog out there though, is that my jokes aren't funny. Okay wait, that came out wrong. What separates this from the others is that I curse a lot and say 'seriously' 400 times per post. Nope, that's not the point I'm trying to make either.
The difference between this place and others, is that I write this because I enjoy talking about sports. And I do my best to reply to every piece of e-mail (primeoffense@yahoo.com) and every comment (a grand total of 1 so far.) So yeah, you're encouraged to write me, whether it's to tell me that I'm completely right or completely wrong... or that you think I'm a total asshole. I'll tell you in advance, you're right. I am. Know who else is an asshole? Jay Mariotti, but he's in denial about it, and he's never talked with you to justify his assholiness. I will.
So why are we here today? Because Bill Simmons wrote his first non-Boston-Team article in over a year. It's a bunch of rapid-fire jokiness... but he forgot the punchlines. So I'm going to try to help make this funny. Here goes nothing.
So Kobe Bryant stops sulking, makes small talk with teammates, buys them dinner every once in a while, gives them $9,000 watches and occasionally passes the ball to them? I take it back ... he is a great guy!
Yeah! He gives teammates expensive gifts. Like when he got his wife that big diamond ring after he raped a hotel desk clerk! I'm putting 1 and 1 together here, and concluding that Kobe Bryant has sexually assaulted DJ Mbenga. And DJ, if you're reading this, just be happy that I got your name in here.
When you order the Jamba Juice with the fiber boost, you're basically telling the guy behind the counter and everyone else in line, "I'm a little backed up right now."
POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA!!! POOOOOOOOOP!!!!
If hell has a cable channel like ESPN Classic, it's definitely showing a never-ending loop of fights involving Bernard Hopkins or Johnny Ruiz.
Really? Bernard Hopkins fights? I like B-Hop fights, they're usually exciting. I would think Hell would keep showing that Klitschko vs. Ibragimov fight! You know, the one where they romanced each other all over the ring for 12 rounds? I think Ibragimov actually bought Klitschko flowers and asked him on a second date after that fight.
Here's my advice to Stan Van Gundy: Give in to the Ron Jeremy thing, embrace it and hire Joey Silvera, Herschel Savage and Randy West as your assistant coaches.
PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE!!!!!!!!!!! THE INTERNET IS FOR POOOOOOOOORNNNNN!!!!! I love me some porn... but why is Simmons so familiar with the names of the MALE porn stars?
I'll be honest: When Terry Francona gave Jon Lester the extra-long hug after Monday's no-hitter, it didn't just get a little dusty at the Sports Guy Mansion, it got "Brian's Song"-level dusty... because I, Bill Simmons, get turned on when men hug. I'm watching that Klitschko-Ibragimov fight as we speak.
Okay, maybe Bill didn't say all of that. But he should have. And so much for Bill keeping his mouth off of Boston's cock for more than 1,000 words.
I'm still whining about the Giants ruining the Patriots perfect season, and now I think Tyree's catch should have been reviewed, or maybe it was! I can't remember because here's a vague reference to my father, who's actually much funnier than I am and should probably write my shit for me.
Well, it's basically what he said.
Hey, just because the Mavs are long gone from the playoffs doesn't mean we have to stop making Josh Howard jokes, right?
No Bill, you never have to stop cracking shitty jokes about dated happenings.
Can we call the 2008 Mavericks team video "Howard and Kumar"?
Or Harold and Josh!!! Or Kumar and Joshmarkimward!! Such a creative joke.
How many times do you think he toked up with a teammate, then fell over in hysterics imitating Avery Johnson's voice?
Yeah, and maybe Jason Kidd will smoke up with him and then go smack up Joumana some more! Somebody needs to set her straight!!
Congrats to John Mayer for officially replacing Adam Duritz as this generation's token "sensitive musician who has bagged so many Hollywood babes that every other red-blooded male is rooting for him to get into a disfiguring accident, so when he turns into a sweaty, overweight guy 15 years from now, we'll all feel a sick sense of satisfaction about the whole thing."
Except that Adam Duritz is already basically a sweaty, overweight guy, and he's bagged more hot babes than young, fit Bill Simmons in spite of it. I don't wish disfiguring injuries on people who bag more chicks than me. Do you?
Look, I don't care if it's a movie, and I don't care if it happened 22 years ago, there's no way Cruise and Edwards take a game off Rossovich and Kilmer, much less the entire volleyball match. It's not happening.
I don't know what the fuck Simmons is talking about and therefore, I have no joke. If this makes sense to you, please write in and explain.
Put it this way: If the Spurs-Lakers series goes the distance, I see a Game 7 officiating crew of Bennett Salvatore, Adam Silver and Jack Nicholson, as well as every Spurs starter fouling out and Gregg Popovich getting two quick T's and being removed from the court on one of those Hannibal Lecter stretchers. And that's a conservative prediction.
Sort of like how the league got rid of the Cavs so LeBron wouldn't ruin the Boston-Los Angeles finals that David Stern's been orchestrating all season?
Pop quiz: Explain the significance behind "22 innings pitched, 47 baserunners, eight home runs, zero wins, four losses, 9.00 ERA."
Umm... 22 innings is a really small sample size to evaluate a pitcher based on?
Yup, those are the 2008 stats for Phil Hughes. (Did you know the Yankees refused to include him in a deal for Johan Santana? No, really! I swear to God!)
Which had nothing to do with the $151 million extension that Johan wanted, or the 900 innings on Johan's arm in the last 4 years. Or the fact that Hughes was the top-rated minor league pitcher in all of baseball for 2 years running. Maybe it's a small sample size. Maybe Hughes was pitching with a broken rib. Maybe he's not ready. Or maybe this is a good reason to LOL!! HAHA!!! BOSTON RULEZ!!!! YAHNKEEZ SAWKKKK!!!!
Yeah, I'm done here.... it just gets more shitty from here and this post is wayyyy too long.
The difference between this place and others, is that I write this because I enjoy talking about sports. And I do my best to reply to every piece of e-mail (primeoffense@yahoo.com) and every comment (a grand total of 1 so far.) So yeah, you're encouraged to write me, whether it's to tell me that I'm completely right or completely wrong... or that you think I'm a total asshole. I'll tell you in advance, you're right. I am. Know who else is an asshole? Jay Mariotti, but he's in denial about it, and he's never talked with you to justify his assholiness. I will.
So why are we here today? Because Bill Simmons wrote his first non-Boston-Team article in over a year. It's a bunch of rapid-fire jokiness... but he forgot the punchlines. So I'm going to try to help make this funny. Here goes nothing.
So Kobe Bryant stops sulking, makes small talk with teammates, buys them dinner every once in a while, gives them $9,000 watches and occasionally passes the ball to them? I take it back ... he is a great guy!
Yeah! He gives teammates expensive gifts. Like when he got his wife that big diamond ring after he raped a hotel desk clerk! I'm putting 1 and 1 together here, and concluding that Kobe Bryant has sexually assaulted DJ Mbenga. And DJ, if you're reading this, just be happy that I got your name in here.
When you order the Jamba Juice with the fiber boost, you're basically telling the guy behind the counter and everyone else in line, "I'm a little backed up right now."
POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA!!! POOOOOOOOOP!!!!
If hell has a cable channel like ESPN Classic, it's definitely showing a never-ending loop of fights involving Bernard Hopkins or Johnny Ruiz.
Really? Bernard Hopkins fights? I like B-Hop fights, they're usually exciting. I would think Hell would keep showing that Klitschko vs. Ibragimov fight! You know, the one where they romanced each other all over the ring for 12 rounds? I think Ibragimov actually bought Klitschko flowers and asked him on a second date after that fight.
Here's my advice to Stan Van Gundy: Give in to the Ron Jeremy thing, embrace it and hire Joey Silvera, Herschel Savage and Randy West as your assistant coaches.
PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE!!!!!!!!!!! THE INTERNET IS FOR POOOOOOOOORNNNNN!!!!! I love me some porn... but why is Simmons so familiar with the names of the MALE porn stars?
I'll be honest: When Terry Francona gave Jon Lester the extra-long hug after Monday's no-hitter, it didn't just get a little dusty at the Sports Guy Mansion, it got "Brian's Song"-level dusty... because I, Bill Simmons, get turned on when men hug. I'm watching that Klitschko-Ibragimov fight as we speak.
Okay, maybe Bill didn't say all of that. But he should have. And so much for Bill keeping his mouth off of Boston's cock for more than 1,000 words.
I'm still whining about the Giants ruining the Patriots perfect season, and now I think Tyree's catch should have been reviewed, or maybe it was! I can't remember because here's a vague reference to my father, who's actually much funnier than I am and should probably write my shit for me.
Well, it's basically what he said.
Hey, just because the Mavs are long gone from the playoffs doesn't mean we have to stop making Josh Howard jokes, right?
No Bill, you never have to stop cracking shitty jokes about dated happenings.
Can we call the 2008 Mavericks team video "Howard and Kumar"?
Or Harold and Josh!!! Or Kumar and Joshmarkimward!! Such a creative joke.
How many times do you think he toked up with a teammate, then fell over in hysterics imitating Avery Johnson's voice?
Yeah, and maybe Jason Kidd will smoke up with him and then go smack up Joumana some more! Somebody needs to set her straight!!
Congrats to John Mayer for officially replacing Adam Duritz as this generation's token "sensitive musician who has bagged so many Hollywood babes that every other red-blooded male is rooting for him to get into a disfiguring accident, so when he turns into a sweaty, overweight guy 15 years from now, we'll all feel a sick sense of satisfaction about the whole thing."
Except that Adam Duritz is already basically a sweaty, overweight guy, and he's bagged more hot babes than young, fit Bill Simmons in spite of it. I don't wish disfiguring injuries on people who bag more chicks than me. Do you?
Look, I don't care if it's a movie, and I don't care if it happened 22 years ago, there's no way Cruise and Edwards take a game off Rossovich and Kilmer, much less the entire volleyball match. It's not happening.
I don't know what the fuck Simmons is talking about and therefore, I have no joke. If this makes sense to you, please write in and explain.
Put it this way: If the Spurs-Lakers series goes the distance, I see a Game 7 officiating crew of Bennett Salvatore, Adam Silver and Jack Nicholson, as well as every Spurs starter fouling out and Gregg Popovich getting two quick T's and being removed from the court on one of those Hannibal Lecter stretchers. And that's a conservative prediction.
Sort of like how the league got rid of the Cavs so LeBron wouldn't ruin the Boston-Los Angeles finals that David Stern's been orchestrating all season?
Pop quiz: Explain the significance behind "22 innings pitched, 47 baserunners, eight home runs, zero wins, four losses, 9.00 ERA."
Umm... 22 innings is a really small sample size to evaluate a pitcher based on?
Yup, those are the 2008 stats for Phil Hughes. (Did you know the Yankees refused to include him in a deal for Johan Santana? No, really! I swear to God!)
Which had nothing to do with the $151 million extension that Johan wanted, or the 900 innings on Johan's arm in the last 4 years. Or the fact that Hughes was the top-rated minor league pitcher in all of baseball for 2 years running. Maybe it's a small sample size. Maybe Hughes was pitching with a broken rib. Maybe he's not ready. Or maybe this is a good reason to LOL!! HAHA!!! BOSTON RULEZ!!!! YAHNKEEZ SAWKKKK!!!!
Yeah, I'm done here.... it just gets more shitty from here and this post is wayyyy too long.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Bad Joke on Bad Joke Crime!!
Yes, I'm going to bitch about something from ESPN Page 2. Yes, I realize that D.J. Gallo, Mike Philbrick and David Schoenfield intend this shit as humor. Well, it's hacky, terrible, un-funny humor and it needs to be punished.
According to the Dallas Morning News and about 97 percent of the esteemed members of the blogosphere, Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson are done.
Am I reading a sports website? Or the latest issue of US Weekly? Do sports fans really give a fat baby's dick about this? I think most smart football fans are sitting at home and praying that Jessica Simpson hooks up with Rick Salomon and he spills out a sex tape, but until it happens, who cares!
Here are a few suggestions for No. 9's next piece of arm candy.
Here's a run-down of the suggestions.
According to the Dallas Morning News and about 97 percent of the esteemed members of the blogosphere, Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson are done.
Am I reading a sports website? Or the latest issue of US Weekly? Do sports fans really give a fat baby's dick about this? I think most smart football fans are sitting at home and praying that Jessica Simpson hooks up with Rick Salomon and he spills out a sex tape, but until it happens, who cares!
Here are a few suggestions for No. 9's next piece of arm candy.
Here's a run-down of the suggestions.
- President Bush's daughter - She's from Texas.
- Roger Clemen's wife - See Joke #1.
- Nick Lachey's other ex - Duh.
- Lauren Conrad - Insert hacky joke about "game" film... oh, you already did.
- Old actress from 'Dallas' - Logistical similarity to fictious character.
- Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders - See Joke #1.
- Minka Kelly - See Joke #5.
- Lohan - Because making fun of drunks is funny! Silly alcoholic!!
- Jessica Biel - Jeter and Timberlake hit it. Which is funny because...
- Star Jones - Star in name + Star on helmet = Funny Joke! LOL!
- Marisa Miller - Will make Tom Brady jealous!
- Tom Brady's ex - See Joke #11.
- Tila Tequila - Tequila -->Mexican -->Romo in Mexico w/Jessica-->Big Laughs
- Roger Clemens' side-piece - See Joke #1. Insert tacky reference to McCready being preyed on by a pedophile.
- LeBron's Mom - Always classy to make fun of a guy's mother. And funny. Classy funny.
- Tampa Bay Rays Third Baseman - Point out similarity to Eva Longoria's name + Make completely unrelated Ronaldo reference = Double Joke, mother fucker!!!
So to recap, 16 suggestions for a new girlfriend for Tony Romo.
Six jokes about Texas, the Cowboy's uniform or the sport Romo plays, four women over 50, at least two chicks that Roger Clemens has boffed, at least two chicks that Tom Brady has boffed, a drunk, a victim of pedophilia and a man. Zero viable suggestions, negative 37 laughs.
And if not for Heath Ledger's recent passing, you can be damned certain there would have been at least 11 Brokeback Mountain jokes.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Father & Son Dumb-Fuckery!!
I owe FireJoeMorgan.com so much. I really do. If I ever get big and make money and have hot chicks in tiny bikinis tossing poon tang at me like my last name was Baldwin, I'm going to have to Fed-Ex my sloppy seconds to Ken Tremendous or something. I'm not even joking. I'm not stealing any of their jokes today, just taking advantage of some guys they enlightened me to.
Lowell and Iggy Cohn... the highly decorated, award-winning and extremely crusty Press Democrat Columnist and his wise-ass, sabermetric-hating bastard traitor of a college-age son Iggy. In the battle of the generations, who will win?!
Here's a hint.... NOBODY!!!! Because they always fucking agree in these columns.
Iggy and Lowell ask if the Giants are a better team without Barry Bonds. Iggy and Lowell say, yes, the Giants definitely are a better team without Bonds.
How much of a "better team" are the Giants are without Barry Bonds? Well, by "better team", do you mean "completely and utterly fucked team that's sure to finish dead last?" Then yeah, they're a much better team.
We understand some will disagree, especially baseball fans who relate to the game through numbers and not personalities. Bonds allegedly would put up good numbers for the Giants this year. Even if that's true - and it's not certain Bonds can hit anymore -- Iggy and Lowell don't care. They say ixnay on Bonds.
Yeah, fuck numbers. I still believe that if you could clone David Dellucci, your team would win 700 games a year. I realize that no team plays 700 games a year, but I think that other teams within a 300 mile radius of all that grit and hustle would win more games through osmosis. The bottom line here is that Bonds would allegedly OPS over 1.000 again which is allegedly better than what 99.99999% of other baseball players in the universe are allegedly capable of doing. Allegedly. Fuck Bonds and his numbers. Fuck him in his snobby, snarky, unfriendly ass with his VORP and WHIP and EQA and DERA and whatever other computery numbery acronyms you've got!! Nerds!!
2B: RAY DURHAM. There is no way the Giants play anyone besides Durham if Bonds is on the team. No Eugenio Velez, no Kevin Frandsen even if he were healthy. They'd be stuck with Durham because they'd be trying to win now with veterans - I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true.
By golly gosh Lowell! That DOES sound ridiculous! Because it's complete and utter bullshit!!! Especially when Kevin Frandsen got into 109 games last year with Bonds (and none this year without him) and posted a shitty .269/.331/.379 with 5 homers and 31 RBI in 264 at bats!
And Eugenio Velez, who's playing this year, has been good for .212/.250/.331, no typo there. His OBP is .250. And he's 26. So is Frandsen.
Shitty old Ray Durham, who you'd be stuck with because of Barroids, has been good for .264/.347/.379, which isn't amazing, but looks like a Pujols line when compared to Eugenio Velez!!!
CF: Dave Roberts, who is not currently a factor. OK, so it would be Randy Winn. Center field is the key test of the To-Bonds-Or-Not-To-Bonds issue. Would the Giants have gone for Aaron Rowand, a terrific player, if they had re-signed Bonds? No way. They pay Rowand $60 million over five years.
So the Giants don't waste $12 million a year on Aaron Rowand? Why don't we see what you think of that contract after a couple more years of Rowand running into fucking walls to save 5 runs a season. And even with that said, Rowand's having the best start of his career, and his OPS is .937. That's only 108 points worse than what Bonds did last year.
The Giants pay their team a little more than $76 million. How much would Bonds cost? I don't believe for a second Peter Magowan would pay for both Bonds and Rowand on a team that would not make the playoffs anyway. Bonds would rule out Rowand, and that would be sad. Why? Assume Bonds can hit better than Rowand - an assumption, not a certainty. Rowand still hits very well and he's a much better fielder and, get this, he's a team player. He's exactly the kind of player any team wants in center field - he's someone you can build around.
How much would Bonds cost? Umm... basically free at this point. He wants to play. He says he'd come very cheap if anybody would ask him. We don't have to assume that Bonds will hit better than Rowand... because we use numbers to evaluate players performance instead of their personalities.
Numbers say the following:
Bonds : Rowand :: Durham : Eugenio Velez
Others things that numbers say:
Bonds : Rowand :: A-Rod : Jeter
Rowand : Walls :: Ted Kennedy : Lakes
Ted Kennedy : Rowand :: Something : Something else unrelated to the first something
This joke : Not funny anymore :: Bill Clinton : Masturbating furiously as we speak
Okay, maybe numbers don't say all of that, but you get the picture. The last piece of this argument is the "team player" shit. Let me just run over to baseballreference.com and check out Aaron Rowands WONTP stat... you know, Wins Over a Non-Team Player. While I'm there, I'll check his VOAH (Value Over Adolf Hitler.) Oh.. that's right, these stats don't FUCKING EXIST, because it makes no fucking difference whether or not you're a team player.
The 1978 Yankees fucking hated each other. The coach and the cleanup hitter were getting in fistfights. Billy Martin was pulling lineups out of his fucking hat. And they won the World Series.
Is the without-Bonds team better? Yes, marginally. It's younger. Bruce Bochy gets to develop Velez. At least Lewis can run after balls in left field as opposed to Bonds who stood there like a statue. Lewis is developing into a pretty good hitter.
You can go look if you want. Trust me, the without-Bonds team isn't better. It's littered with 26-year old non-prospects with .250 OBPs like Velez, who might one day develop into a 30 year old with a .280 OBP. Fred Lewis is developing into a slightly above average major league hitter and he can run after fly balls!!! Yayyyyyy Fred Lewis!!!! The without-Bonds team won't win more than 70 games. Ever. Unless it gets some serious help.
The real issue is why another team doesn't sign Bonds. The A's come to mind. Some teams could use him - could put up with him - as the last piece in a playoff team.
Umm... The A's are rebuilding. They're not "one piece away" from anything. Their GM has a PLAN (that involves numbers)... so they're still able to play competitive baseball while they rebuild, but they're not one piece away from the playoffs. What the fuck are you talking about?
Note to readers: As you notice Iggy and Lowell have not been arguing with each other the past few weeks. We like each other. We are thinking of changing the name for this blog from Cohn vs. Cohn to the Cohn Zohn. The Cohn Zohn has been suggested by one of our faithful readers. We still could dispute a topic in the Cohn Zohn - we'd let readers know this was an argument, etc. We would make the change to the Cohn Zohn but don't actually know how to do it. Stay tuned.
Awwwww that's so sweet! Iggy and Lowell love each other!! And they're going to change the name of the blog to "The Cohn Zohn!!!" Oh, I'm so excited!! But let me get this straight... Iggy Cohn, the witty, wise-guy, smarty-smart college-age son doesn't know how to change the NAME of a FUCKING BLOG!? Are these people Amish? Ahhhh... I see what's going on here.
Iggy is college-age. He's not actually enrolled in a college though. My guess is that Iggy is actually living abroad, building wells to provide clean water to people in Third World Nations! Iggy has never actually SEEN a baseball game, because he's wayyyy too busy with his humanitarian projects, but he does make time to talk to his dad, Lowell every now and again, and his father is obsessed with this Baseball thing, so Iggy just listens and agrees with whatever his pop says. Pop is so proud of Iggy's work. And Iggy loves pop's blog too. Even though he has no idea what a fucking tool he looks like in it.
Lowell and Iggy Cohn... the highly decorated, award-winning and extremely crusty Press Democrat Columnist and his wise-ass, sabermetric-hating bastard traitor of a college-age son Iggy. In the battle of the generations, who will win?!
Here's a hint.... NOBODY!!!! Because they always fucking agree in these columns.
Iggy and Lowell ask if the Giants are a better team without Barry Bonds. Iggy and Lowell say, yes, the Giants definitely are a better team without Bonds.
How much of a "better team" are the Giants are without Barry Bonds? Well, by "better team", do you mean "completely and utterly fucked team that's sure to finish dead last?" Then yeah, they're a much better team.
We understand some will disagree, especially baseball fans who relate to the game through numbers and not personalities. Bonds allegedly would put up good numbers for the Giants this year. Even if that's true - and it's not certain Bonds can hit anymore -- Iggy and Lowell don't care. They say ixnay on Bonds.
Yeah, fuck numbers. I still believe that if you could clone David Dellucci, your team would win 700 games a year. I realize that no team plays 700 games a year, but I think that other teams within a 300 mile radius of all that grit and hustle would win more games through osmosis. The bottom line here is that Bonds would allegedly OPS over 1.000 again which is allegedly better than what 99.99999% of other baseball players in the universe are allegedly capable of doing. Allegedly. Fuck Bonds and his numbers. Fuck him in his snobby, snarky, unfriendly ass with his VORP and WHIP and EQA and DERA and whatever other computery numbery acronyms you've got!! Nerds!!
2B: RAY DURHAM. There is no way the Giants play anyone besides Durham if Bonds is on the team. No Eugenio Velez, no Kevin Frandsen even if he were healthy. They'd be stuck with Durham because they'd be trying to win now with veterans - I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true.
By golly gosh Lowell! That DOES sound ridiculous! Because it's complete and utter bullshit!!! Especially when Kevin Frandsen got into 109 games last year with Bonds (and none this year without him) and posted a shitty .269/.331/.379 with 5 homers and 31 RBI in 264 at bats!
And Eugenio Velez, who's playing this year, has been good for .212/.250/.331, no typo there. His OBP is .250. And he's 26. So is Frandsen.
Shitty old Ray Durham, who you'd be stuck with because of Barroids, has been good for .264/.347/.379, which isn't amazing, but looks like a Pujols line when compared to Eugenio Velez!!!
CF: Dave Roberts, who is not currently a factor. OK, so it would be Randy Winn. Center field is the key test of the To-Bonds-Or-Not-To-Bonds issue. Would the Giants have gone for Aaron Rowand, a terrific player, if they had re-signed Bonds? No way. They pay Rowand $60 million over five years.
So the Giants don't waste $12 million a year on Aaron Rowand? Why don't we see what you think of that contract after a couple more years of Rowand running into fucking walls to save 5 runs a season. And even with that said, Rowand's having the best start of his career, and his OPS is .937. That's only 108 points worse than what Bonds did last year.
The Giants pay their team a little more than $76 million. How much would Bonds cost? I don't believe for a second Peter Magowan would pay for both Bonds and Rowand on a team that would not make the playoffs anyway. Bonds would rule out Rowand, and that would be sad. Why? Assume Bonds can hit better than Rowand - an assumption, not a certainty. Rowand still hits very well and he's a much better fielder and, get this, he's a team player. He's exactly the kind of player any team wants in center field - he's someone you can build around.
How much would Bonds cost? Umm... basically free at this point. He wants to play. He says he'd come very cheap if anybody would ask him. We don't have to assume that Bonds will hit better than Rowand... because we use numbers to evaluate players performance instead of their personalities.
Numbers say the following:
Bonds : Rowand :: Durham : Eugenio Velez
Others things that numbers say:
Bonds : Rowand :: A-Rod : Jeter
Rowand : Walls :: Ted Kennedy : Lakes
Ted Kennedy : Rowand :: Something : Something else unrelated to the first something
This joke : Not funny anymore :: Bill Clinton : Masturbating furiously as we speak
Okay, maybe numbers don't say all of that, but you get the picture. The last piece of this argument is the "team player" shit. Let me just run over to baseballreference.com and check out Aaron Rowands WONTP stat... you know, Wins Over a Non-Team Player. While I'm there, I'll check his VOAH (Value Over Adolf Hitler.) Oh.. that's right, these stats don't FUCKING EXIST, because it makes no fucking difference whether or not you're a team player.
The 1978 Yankees fucking hated each other. The coach and the cleanup hitter were getting in fistfights. Billy Martin was pulling lineups out of his fucking hat. And they won the World Series.
Is the without-Bonds team better? Yes, marginally. It's younger. Bruce Bochy gets to develop Velez. At least Lewis can run after balls in left field as opposed to Bonds who stood there like a statue. Lewis is developing into a pretty good hitter.
You can go look if you want. Trust me, the without-Bonds team isn't better. It's littered with 26-year old non-prospects with .250 OBPs like Velez, who might one day develop into a 30 year old with a .280 OBP. Fred Lewis is developing into a slightly above average major league hitter and he can run after fly balls!!! Yayyyyyy Fred Lewis!!!! The without-Bonds team won't win more than 70 games. Ever. Unless it gets some serious help.
The real issue is why another team doesn't sign Bonds. The A's come to mind. Some teams could use him - could put up with him - as the last piece in a playoff team.
Umm... The A's are rebuilding. They're not "one piece away" from anything. Their GM has a PLAN (that involves numbers)... so they're still able to play competitive baseball while they rebuild, but they're not one piece away from the playoffs. What the fuck are you talking about?
Note to readers: As you notice Iggy and Lowell have not been arguing with each other the past few weeks. We like each other. We are thinking of changing the name for this blog from Cohn vs. Cohn to the Cohn Zohn. The Cohn Zohn has been suggested by one of our faithful readers. We still could dispute a topic in the Cohn Zohn - we'd let readers know this was an argument, etc. We would make the change to the Cohn Zohn but don't actually know how to do it. Stay tuned.
Awwwww that's so sweet! Iggy and Lowell love each other!! And they're going to change the name of the blog to "The Cohn Zohn!!!" Oh, I'm so excited!! But let me get this straight... Iggy Cohn, the witty, wise-guy, smarty-smart college-age son doesn't know how to change the NAME of a FUCKING BLOG!? Are these people Amish? Ahhhh... I see what's going on here.
Iggy is college-age. He's not actually enrolled in a college though. My guess is that Iggy is actually living abroad, building wells to provide clean water to people in Third World Nations! Iggy has never actually SEEN a baseball game, because he's wayyyy too busy with his humanitarian projects, but he does make time to talk to his dad, Lowell every now and again, and his father is obsessed with this Baseball thing, so Iggy just listens and agrees with whatever his pop says. Pop is so proud of Iggy's work. And Iggy loves pop's blog too. Even though he has no idea what a fucking tool he looks like in it.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
I Don't Just Hate on Stupid Journalists.
I spew my umbrage at stupid players too. Which brings me to this guy.
That's John Bale. He pitches for the Kansas City Royals.
And as you can see here, he's also probably in line to win himself a Trojan Enz Boner of the Week Award.
John Bale spent a couple of years pitching in Japan, because he's not very good. The Royals are paying $2.2 million for a pitcher who's still not very good. He was already on the DL with shoulder tightness. And he breaks his hand punching a hotel door.
I could understand punching a hotel heiress. Actually that picture makes me not want to punch her.... maybe a video will make me want to punch her again.
Nope. Didn't work. Why don't people like her again? And for the record, the guy in this scene isn't very masculine. Whatever.
I guess we should look at the bright side though.
1) John Bale didn't get eaten by the Tarp Machine.
2) John Bale didn't get eaten by bears.
3) Thanks to John Bale, I've had my first excuse to link pics of hot chicks here!
That's John Bale. He pitches for the Kansas City Royals.
And as you can see here, he's also probably in line to win himself a Trojan Enz Boner of the Week Award.
John Bale spent a couple of years pitching in Japan, because he's not very good. The Royals are paying $2.2 million for a pitcher who's still not very good. He was already on the DL with shoulder tightness. And he breaks his hand punching a hotel door.
I could understand punching a hotel heiress. Actually that picture makes me not want to punch her.... maybe a video will make me want to punch her again.
Nope. Didn't work. Why don't people like her again? And for the record, the guy in this scene isn't very masculine. Whatever.
I guess we should look at the bright side though.
1) John Bale didn't get eaten by the Tarp Machine.
2) John Bale didn't get eaten by bears.
3) Thanks to John Bale, I've had my first excuse to link pics of hot chicks here!
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