Beating a Dead Burger

Yup, I'm gonna make fun of the Angry Whopper some more, because it amuses me. And I think it amuses you too. I've actually been working on a new ad campaign for the Angry Whopper, something to really get your attention when they show those stupid commercials 7,000 times during the Cards-Eagles game this weekend. So here's my list of things the Angry Whopper can promise to people who choose to eat it:

The Angry Whopper is going to take a dump in your left sneaker.
It's going to deflower your daughter and never call her.
If you're married, your spouse will consent to anal intercourse with the Angry Whopper. Even if they're not gay, and/or totally don't like it up the butt.
If you're single, the Angry Whopper just banged the girl of your dreams.
The Angry Whopper is so manly, it's going to make you crap out a fucking Panda bear, and then you're going to choke that fucking Panda bear to death even though it's an endangered species because the Angry Whopper has stolen your ability to give a fuck!
If you're Barack Obama, you won't get any change with your Angry Whopper.
If you're George W. Bush, the Angry Whopper is going to call a bunch of it's Angry Whopper friends and invite them over to circle jerk all over your last brain cell.
If you're a fucking Panda bear, you shouldn't even be reading this shit, so go fuck yourself Panda bear. Oh yeah, the Angry Whopper just ran over your fucking Panda children in it's Escalade.
Yes, a hamburger drives a fucking Escalade. And it doesn't care about gas mileage.
The Angry Whopper roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris to death.
If the Angry Whopper does not cause you to shit blood, you can punch this guy without having legal action taken against you.
The Angry Whopper doesn't consider sex kinky enough until it's violated your dog.
Despite what you may believe, the Angry Whopper is directly responsible for the assassinations of Presidents Lincoln & Kennedy, John Lennon, Dimebag Darrell, Selena, Harvey Milk, Malcolm X, Jesse James, William McKinley, and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (Happy MLK Day Everybody!)

Political Musings? Yes We Can!

Here's the thing. I did my best not to hurl my political views at you guys during the election season. And there were a few reasons for this.

1) It's not really what I'm here for. I'm here to try to make you laugh by likening the NL West to a bunch of guys swinging Screech Dildos, not to attempt to influence your voting habits.
2) I wasn't exactly thrilled with the choices in this election, again.
3) I'm not exactly a credible, authoritative source on the topic of politics.

Now that the election is over though, I'll fill you guys in on something. My guy lost. Yup, I was a McCain supporter. I won't get into why, as again, that's not what I'm here for. So, why the big lead-in? And why the sudden decision to touch politics?

Sarah is forcing my hand. She's shooting off her mouth about, who else, BLOGGERS!!!! So, how will the failed vice presidential hopeful go about bashing the haphazard interactive gangbang known as the blogosphere? What carefully crafted digs will she take at it? How will this "educated, intelligent woman" go about making her point? Keep in mind, she just ran, unsuccessfully, for the second highest office in the nation.

A few days after she called McCain campaign staffers "cowards" for criticizing her anonymously, Palin dismissed some of her critics on the other side as "bloggers in their parents' basement just talking garbage."

Booyah!! In their parents' basement just talking garbage!!! GOTCHA FUCKERS!!!! Jesus Hfucking Christ!!! Such innovation, such craft!! It's as though she's able to see right through us all!!! I give up. I can no longer blog. Blogging is dead. Upon it's headstone, the words...

In Their Parents' Basement Just Talking Garbage. - Sarah Palin

You know, while I was sitting in my mom's basement, just talking garbage on the internet the other day, I learned something new. Wanna know what it is?

Africa is actually a continent!! It's not just a group of states all mushed together to the south of Europe!! It's a continent!! LIKE AUSTRALIA!!! Did you know that Sarah Palin? What? You didn't? Well, I guess that's okay... I mean, those crazy scientists are changing their minds about what makes something a continent all the time, right?

Wait, what? They're not? Africa's been a continent FOREVER?! And everybody learns about the 7 continents in grade school? Well, shucks Sarah! I guess you should have known that then, huh?

Know what else I learned on Al Gore's Internets (TM) the other day? That the Vice President, doesn't, in fact "run the Senate" and can't "really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes." You told me that the Vice President does those things.

But everybody else says that the Vice President can really only cast the tie-breaking vote for the Senate. And since the Senate never "ties," that's basically one of the most scarcely used powers in American Government.

So wait a second. You were running for Vice President... and you didn't even know what the Vice President is Constitutionally allowed and/or required to do?

That reminds me of the time that I applied for a job as the Head Nurse at a hospital... because I thought that my job would be to get head from all the nurses! They actually called me in for an interview, and wouldn't you believe it? They started asking me all these lame medical questions and told me that I'd probably have to give sponge baths to old men. Can you believe that shit?!

I was all like, look dude, I'm just here to get blown by chicks in nurse costumes while swigging from my trusty flask of gin. You know, because nothing is more sophisticated than a flask of gin. Except for a top hat. But whatever. They called security. And it went on my permanent record.

But back to the topic at hand. Sarah Palin. Hating bloggers.

Here's the really funny thing Sarah. This is a relatively small blog. It's only been written for a little over 3 months. And in those three months, this relatively small, obscure sports-themed blog has received 54,000 views. So using some simple mathematics, we can deduce, that over a full year, at a consistent rate of viewership, this small, obscure blog will receive 216,000 views.

The high point of your political career came in 2006, when you beat Tony Knowles to win your job as the Governor of Alaska. And in that election, you received a grand total of 114,697 votes.

Again, using simple mathematics, we can learn that my small, obscure, irrelevant blog, which is written from my parents' basement... will receive 101,303 more views in a year... than you received votes to be governor. Let me break it down further, just in case you're missing my point.

My readership is bigger than the electorate of your entire fucking state, you beauty pageant bimbo. And nobody had to buy me a $150,000 wardrobe.

Moreso, you are the single greatest reason that John McCain lost this fucking election. You are a complete imbecile who lacks the most basic understanding of grade school curriculum, no less American Government.

And you seriously believe that the Republican Party is going to let you run on your own ticket in 2012? Who do you think you are? Hillary Clinton? Why don't you try spending a little more time raising your skanky trailer trash family, and a little less time swilling brewskis with Joe Sixpack and pretending to posses a fully functioning brain. You're not fooling anybody.

Your candidacy in this election was a scam. It was an attempt to lure women and disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters over to the Republican ticket. And it might even have worked, if you could have just kept your stupid fucking mouth shut and looked pretty.

Instead, you talked... and talked... and talked... and looked mavericky... and talked... and got made fun of by Tina Fey... and talked... and talked... and looked mavericky... and talked... and exposed your completely empty cranium on the world stage. You're Dan Quayle with tits.

Things Sarah Palin Can Look Forward To:

1) Being Governor of Alaska.
2) The Cover of Playboy.
3) Being a great Grandmother by age 50 when her trailer trash daughter's trailer trash daughter gets knocked up at age 12.

Things Sarah Palin Should Not Hold Her Breath Waiting for:

1) The Start of her Campaign for President of the United States of America.

I'm Mister Six, and I approve this message.

Point Shaving the History Books?

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Nights on the Town and One Liners

Did a bit of barhopping last night with a couple of good friends and my lovely girlfriend. The line of the night is uttered after the hostess at the first place decides to hassle us over some bullshit, and it was as follows:

"Wow, that bitch is so anal retentive, I hear that the last guy who stuck it in her butt still hasn't gotten his dick back."

Call me crude, but I was hugely amused by this remark. And also, perhaps, if the video becomes fully available to me... you MIGHT get to see Mister Six and his buddy rocking out "In the End" by Linkin Park at a karaoke bar. Yup... slim possibility.

The Worst Michael Vick Joke Ever...

And simultaneously the only time I'll ever mention the College World Series.

University of Georgia vs. Fresno State.

Yup. Bulldogs vs. Bulldogs... so I guess you could call it... a dog fight.


Stick that in your pipe and smoke it...

The Reason For Anonymity

Everything you read here basically amounts to the bored attempts at humor of a pretty regular guy working a dull day-job. I try to be sarcastic and witty and tongue-in-cheek. And sometimes I'm successful with that.

I make fun of everyone and everything that catches my fancy, and I hope that if the people involved actually see what I've said about them, they'll keep their sense of humor about it and not stalk me down and kick my ass. And the real fact of the matter is, sometimes (probably more than sometimes) I'm a complete jerk-off and I go too far.

A couple of weeks ago, I pulled posts out of the Daily News' "Voice of the People" section and tore into a couple of complete strangers for no real reason. I jumped to numerous conclusions without any knowledge of these peoples' sides of the story.

So here is a short list correcting/restating some facts from the last post:

1) Sal Sessa isn't some punk 20-year old trying to score chicks. He's a grown man, and judging by the mail he wrote me, an educated, intelligent one at that.
2) He's talking about women in coffee shops and social settings. Places where a guy SHOULD be able to talk to the people around him.
3) New York City is probably the hardest place in the world to meet people, because everybody's in a big rush, and is scared and guarded and afraid of strangers.
4) Sal didn't even seem pissed about this, which probably means that he's got a pretty good sense of humor (and that he's not going to come and kick my ass.)

For the record ladies: On the train/bus or while you're walking in the streets, the iPod's a great guy-repellent. But for crying out fucking loud... if you're in Starbucks, take them the fuck off. You HAVE to give a guy SOME opportunity to say hi. It's really only fair.

Otherwise, why don't you just tattoo the words, "I AM A DYKE" on your forehead, and then we'll know to leave you alone. Sorry Sal.

This Has Got To Be Profiling...

Former Cincinnati Bengals fullback Pete Johnson is on his way to prison after having been found guilty of writing bad checks.

He becomes, I think, the one billionth current or former Bengal to wind up on the wrong side of the law. I'm pretty sure it's a billion, give or take a few.

Basically it's everybody except Boomer Esiason. Dear, sweet, beloved Boomer. The man who once laid down in front of a bus to prevent replacement players from getting into the stadium.

So yeah, I'm starting to think that somebody's trying to make the Bengals look bad... because that organization can't possibly be this fucked up, especially since Terrell Owens hasn't played for them.

You know, in recent news Bengals management actually decided against new uniform designs, electing instead to give black sharpies to all their players, so they could draw stripes on their prison jumpsuits.

The Count is No Balls and Two Dykes

I'm sure I'm getting to this late. I blame that on all of you because nobody tipped me off about it, I had to find it on my own. And for the record, I'm totally taking advantage of every chance to link chicks kissing.

Apparently a couple of chicks were going at it during a Mariner game and it upset some people. God, where do I go with this for a cheap laugh? I'll just make a list:

1) Isn't this the most exciting thing that's happened at a Mariner game all season?
2) If I pay for plane tickets, will these girls come watch Yankees games instead?
3) Can Adrian Beltre get some love from these girls? He's got no balls, which practically makes him a lesbian.

Some people claimed that these girls were groping each other and whatnot, to which they state that they were "eating garlic fries and giving each other brief kisses."

Have you ever tried to get someone to come within 17 feet of your mouth while eating garlic fries? This is obviously true love, which brings me to my exciting conclusion.

If lesbians want to go to baseball games, more power to them.
If they want to kiss at baseball games, again, more power to them.
If they want to get completely naked at baseball games and give each other Brazilian waxes behind home plate, then I'm probably going to start watching a lot more baseball.

I know, I know. You're saying, "Well, what about me? I'm a parent!! What am I supposed to tell my kids when they see two women scissoring in the on-base circle?!" Well here's what you tell your kids.

"Don't tell your mother."

And just because I can...

Nick Kaczur?

So let me get this straight...

Nick Kaczur, offensive lineman for the New England Patriots, was secretly taping his Oxycodone dealer's signals? Next we're going to hear about how Tom Brady caught a crackhead pissing on a church with his camera phone.

Punch Lines are for Pussies!

As many of you know (and you can probably tell) I'm new at this. What separates this blog from every other sports blog out there though, is that my jokes aren't funny. Okay wait, that came out wrong. What separates this from the others is that I curse a lot and say 'seriously' 400 times per post. Nope, that's not the point I'm trying to make either.

The difference between this place and others, is that I write this because I enjoy talking about sports. And I do my best to reply to every piece of e-mail (primeoffense@yahoo.com) and every comment (a grand total of 1 so far.) So yeah, you're encouraged to write me, whether it's to tell me that I'm completely right or completely wrong... or that you think I'm a total asshole. I'll tell you in advance, you're right. I am. Know who else is an asshole? Jay Mariotti, but he's in denial about it, and he's never talked with you to justify his assholiness. I will.

So why are we here today? Because Bill Simmons wrote his first non-Boston-Team article in over a year. It's a bunch of rapid-fire jokiness... but he forgot the punchlines. So I'm going to try to help make this funny. Here goes nothing.

So Kobe Bryant stops sulking, makes small talk with teammates, buys them dinner every once in a while, gives them $9,000 watches and occasionally passes the ball to them? I take it back ... he is a great guy!

Yeah! He gives teammates expensive gifts. Like when he got his wife that big diamond ring after he raped a hotel desk clerk! I'm putting 1 and 1 together here, and concluding that Kobe Bryant has sexually assaulted DJ Mbenga. And DJ, if you're reading this, just be happy that I got your name in here.

When you order the Jamba Juice with the fiber boost, you're basically telling the guy behind the counter and everyone else in line, "I'm a little backed up right now."

POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA!!! POOOOOOOOOP!!!!

If hell has a cable channel like ESPN Classic, it's definitely showing a never-ending loop of fights involving Bernard Hopkins or Johnny Ruiz.

Really? Bernard Hopkins fights? I like B-Hop fights, they're usually exciting. I would think Hell would keep showing that Klitschko vs. Ibragimov fight! You know, the one where they romanced each other all over the ring for 12 rounds? I think Ibragimov actually bought Klitschko flowers and asked him on a second date after that fight.

Here's my advice to Stan Van Gundy: Give in to the Ron Jeremy thing, embrace it and hire Joey Silvera, Herschel Savage and Randy West as your assistant coaches.

PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE!!!!!!!!!!! THE INTERNET IS FOR POOOOOOOOORNNNNN!!!!! I love me some porn... but why is Simmons so familiar with the names of the MALE porn stars?

I'll be honest: When Terry Francona gave Jon Lester the extra-long hug after Monday's no-hitter, it didn't just get a little dusty at the Sports Guy Mansion, it got "Brian's Song"-level dusty... because I, Bill Simmons, get turned on when men hug. I'm watching that Klitschko-Ibragimov fight as we speak.

Okay, maybe Bill didn't say all of that. But he should have. And so much for Bill keeping his mouth off of Boston's cock for more than 1,000 words.

I'm still whining about the Giants ruining the Patriots perfect season, and now I think Tyree's catch should have been reviewed, or maybe it was! I can't remember because here's a vague reference to my father, who's actually much funnier than I am and should probably write my shit for me.

Well, it's basically what he said.

Hey, just because the Mavs are long gone from the playoffs doesn't mean we have to stop making Josh Howard jokes, right?

No Bill, you never have to stop cracking shitty jokes about dated happenings.

Can we call the 2008 Mavericks team video "Howard and Kumar"?

Or Harold and Josh!!! Or Kumar and Joshmarkimward!! Such a creative joke.

How many times do you think he toked up with a teammate, then fell over in hysterics imitating Avery Johnson's voice?

Yeah, and maybe Jason Kidd will smoke up with him and then go smack up Joumana some more! Somebody needs to set her straight!!

Congrats to John Mayer for officially replacing Adam Duritz as this generation's token "sensitive musician who has bagged so many Hollywood babes that every other red-blooded male is rooting for him to get into a disfiguring accident, so when he turns into a sweaty, overweight guy 15 years from now, we'll all feel a sick sense of satisfaction about the whole thing."

Except that Adam Duritz is already basically a sweaty, overweight guy, and he's bagged more hot babes than young, fit Bill Simmons in spite of it. I don't wish disfiguring injuries on people who bag more chicks than me. Do you?

Look, I don't care if it's a movie, and I don't care if it happened 22 years ago, there's no way Cruise and Edwards take a game off Rossovich and Kilmer, much less the entire volleyball match. It's not happening.

I don't know what the fuck Simmons is talking about and therefore, I have no joke. If this makes sense to you, please write in and explain.

Put it this way: If the Spurs-Lakers series goes the distance, I see a Game 7 officiating crew of Bennett Salvatore, Adam Silver and Jack Nicholson, as well as every Spurs starter fouling out and Gregg Popovich getting two quick T's and being removed from the court on one of those Hannibal Lecter stretchers. And that's a conservative prediction.

Sort of like how the league got rid of the Cavs so LeBron wouldn't ruin the Boston-Los Angeles finals that David Stern's been orchestrating all season?

Pop quiz: Explain the significance behind "22 innings pitched, 47 baserunners, eight home runs, zero wins, four losses, 9.00 ERA."

Umm... 22 innings is a really small sample size to evaluate a pitcher based on?

Yup, those are the 2008 stats for Phil Hughes. (Did you know the Yankees refused to include him in a deal for Johan Santana? No, really! I swear to God!)

Which had nothing to do with the $151 million extension that Johan wanted, or the 900 innings on Johan's arm in the last 4 years. Or the fact that Hughes was the top-rated minor league pitcher in all of baseball for 2 years running. Maybe it's a small sample size. Maybe Hughes was pitching with a broken rib. Maybe he's not ready. Or maybe this is a good reason to LOL!! HAHA!!! BOSTON RULEZ!!!! YAHNKEEZ SAWKKKK!!!!

Yeah, I'm done here.... it just gets more shitty from here and this post is wayyyy too long.

Also for the Cubs Fans?

I want to start out by saying that I really only linked that Cubs video because it cracked me up. I think you guys have a pretty solid shot this year because I like your offense a lot. I think it needs another arm in the rotation, and another reliable guy in the pen, but yeah, you get it. So to the 728 Cubs fans who've cursed me out in the last 3 days... SEE!?! I don't hate your team.

Also, I took a little voting on the Cubs messaging boards (Literally "a little voting" because there were 3 votes casted, and 27 people cursing me out for the Cubs review). The point of the "voting" was to determine what team I'd review next, the Cardinals or the White Sox. The winner? The Chicago White Sox. And I even found a video for them too! But more on that later.

Starting Pitchers: Javy Vasquez, John Danks, Gavin Floyd, Mark Buerhle, Jose Contreras

I want to start by saying that as a Yankee fan, I hate Javy Vasquez. I hate him like Juan Uribe hates to get on base. I hate him like Eric Gagne hates the ban on steroids. That said, he's been very good this year, and will probably continue to be this good. Danks and Floyd have looked great too, however, I'm going out on a limb and selling the idea of them both keeping it up.

Danks and Floyd are both former 1st rounders... but they were both terrible pitchers last year, and Floyd's been sucking for a while. Maybe they both figured it out and learned how to pitch or maybe nobody in the AL is hitting!!!! My feeling is that these guys are going to end up with ERAs in the mid-4's. Yup. Around the league average, because I've seen them pitch.. and they don't look as good as the results so far.

Contreras is 800 years old and blows. He'll gag like he always does. And Buerhle signed a nice big contract extension so he could die in peace.

Rotation Grade: B-plus

Infielders: AJ Pierzynski, Paul Konerko, Juan Uribe, Joe Crede, Orlando Cabrera

Pierzynski is a fucking tool. He also hasn't had an OPS+ over 100 since 2003 in Minnesota. So I'm calling bullshit on the OPS+ 124. That's coming down... a fucking lot.

Konerko looks like a really old 32, doesn't he? Fact of the matter is that for some reason, this guy ALWAYS sucks in May. He's definitely going to hit better than .216/.341/.353.

Juan Uribe doesn't belong in the major leagues, and Ozzie Guillen should be beaten about the head with a frozen trout for keeping him in the lineup when a minor leaguer, ANY MINOR LEAGUER could help this team more. O-Cab is also sucking balls so far this year. Unlike Uribe, he should improve somewhat. And Joe Crede... OPS+ 132... OBP .352... previous career best...323. Walks? Not usually. Healthy? Rarely. Going to OPS .866 for the season? No.

Infield Grade: D+minus

Outfielders: Carlos Quentin, Nick Swisher, Jermaine Dye

Jermaine Dye and Carlos Quentin are actually living people? Are you fucking serious? I thought they both died like two years ago. The only explanation I have for this outfield is that Quentin and Dye stole Nick Swisher and Jim Thome's talent like the MonStars in Space Jam.

Swisher is still drawing walks and he's going to hit. Dye and Quentin should come back to Earth a little bit, and the restraining order that keeps Michael Jordan from coming within 100 yards of U.S. Cellular Field will remain intact.

Outfield Grade: A-minus

Designated Hitter: Jim Thome

Like I said, I blame Carlos Quentin! No, not really. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that he's 87 years old. Thome is still probably good for 30 homers, but he's supposed to be one of the guys who gets on base enough to make up for the fact that Crede, Uribe, Pierzynski and Cabrera aren't going to. No grade for Thome. Maybe some carbon dating.

Bullpen: Bobby Jenks, Scott Linebrink, Octavio Dotel, Boone Logan, Matt Thornton, Nick Masset

Shit... they've been really good, haven't they? Dotel, Logan, and Thornton aren't as good as they've been. That will catch up to them sooner, rather than later. No complains about Jenks and Linebrink.

Bullpen Grade: B+ for the solid back end.

Coach, Bench, Heart, Pulse-Rate and Other Stuff that Shouldn't Matter as Much as You Think

Notice, I said SHOULDN'T matter as much as you think, because it shouldn't. And it wouldn't if Ozzie Guillen had a normal, functioning brain. He does not. And here's a list of reasons why Ozzie is going to cost his team the division.

A) His insistence on leaving Juan Uribe in the lineup. Uribe hasn't been a good player since 2004. He's batting .198/.262/.328 this year (and batted .252, .235 and .234 the 3 years before this, so it's not a fluke.) He walks never. And a full season will prove that he sucks just as much defensively at 2B, as he does at SS. And he does suck at SS.

B) Orlando Cabrera is batting .219/.275/.290! So Ozzie juggles him between leadoff and the two-hole. Where he can make the most possible outs. O-Cab's never been great at getting on base, and in his worst "getting on base" year, he's batting first or second.

C) Ozzie's Smartball is the opposite of smart... because Ozzie is going to bunt, hit-and-run, and get guys caught stealing every chance he gets. And every time his smartysmartOzzieball bullshit fails, that's costing the White Sox runs. This team probably won't score enough runs on it's own... and he's going to dirty sanchez them out of a few more.

Proof of C: The Sox have stolen 13 bases this year. And been caught 9 times. That's an amazing 59% rate of success. 45 games into the season, Nick Swisher has tied his CAREER HIGH for Caught Stealing. Joe Crede's been caught stealing!!! Joe Crede has no business running bases. Ever. Ever ever ever ever!!!!!!! Joe Crede is the living, breathing embodiment of the words "SHOULD. NOT. RUN. EVER."

SmartOzzieGritHustleAngerAggressionJayMariottiIsAFag Grade: Epic Fail

Okay, Epic Fail is not a letter grade... but I needed something to properly emphasize that Ozzie Guillen is the worst, and most overrated coach in baseball. His team won a world series in SPITE of him a few years ago, not because of him. They won because their pitching was out-of-this-world good that year, and got better in the playoffs. Their pitching this year is not nearly that good, and their offense isn't improved enough to carry them.

Look for Cleveland to take over the division within the next month. And here's the video I promised you. And God willing, Ozzie will shut the fuck up.

Tom Brady's Wardrobe Selection?

So it's been brought to my attention that Tom Brady attended Game 7 of the Cavs-Celtics series.

Wearing one of these.

Some people are wondering why. Here's the best answer I can come up with.

Tom Brady is owned by Giants. Of all kinds. Sort of like when the Yankees were Pedro's daddy.

Just for the Cubs Fans out there....

Okay, so in the name of full partial disclosure, the reason this post is happening is because I found a really great video that's probably like a year old, but pretty hysterical and offensive to Cubbies fans. This entire post is building towards said video... but today, I'm going to pontificate on the chances of the Cubs to actually win a championship. Yes Jeff Passan, I too can speak from a wrongfully acquired position of authority! And I know you'll see this... because you read blogs!

All areas will be given a grade based on partial stats taken from small sample sizes which have occurred this season and past player performance in some random way (PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW, because the acronym will make that easier to remember):

Starting Pitching - Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Rich Hill

Okay, Carlos Zambrano is awesome. Props to him on that. However, statistically speaking, he's not the best in this group. Somebody... has thrown 57 innings at a 189 ERA+. And it's not Ted Lilly. And it's not Jason Marquis or Rich Hill either! Can you guess who it is? Yeah. Ryan Dumpster. That's not gonna hold up, not, not, not, no fucking way, not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1asdkfjas2134

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: C plus

Infield: Geovany Soto, Derek Lee, Mark DeRosa, Ryan Theriot, Aramis Ramirez

Okay, I'm calling bullshit on Ryan Theriot hitting .331/.410/.413, there's no fucking way that holds up. Mark DeRosa On-Basing .406 looks pretty wrong too, but Soto and Ramirez are nice offensive players, and Derek Lee's starting to look more like his old self again, so even after Theriot and DeRosa go the way of Ryan Dempster, the infield will still be able to hit. I'm not going to talk about defense... because there aren't any really reliable metrics, and I don't care about the +/- 10 runs a season worth of difference that it's going to make.

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: A minus

Outfield: Alfonso Soriano, Kosuke Fukudome, Jim Edmonds' Dead Body, Felix "Scooter" Pie, Reed Johnson

I'll say this again. Alfonso Soriano's power is almost completely wasted in the leadoff spot. And his .328 OBP actually manages to fucking HURT the Cubs there.... because he's going to make wayyyy too many outs, and he's not going to get any chances to hit with runners on. The fucking guy is going to hit 35 solo home runs this year and make close to 500 outs. If they batted him in the 5-hole, where he belongs, he'd drive in 35-45 more runs this year, and probably make about 70 less outs, which would benefit his team all around. Seriously... swap Soriano and Fukudome in the lineup!! Put Fukudome's .416 OBP in the leadoff spot!! And Soriano's .592 SLG in the 5-hole!! Just try it!! Please!! I'm fucking begging you!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and get a Centerfielder... this Edmonds situation is embarrassing.

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: B plus

Relief Pitching: Kerry Wood, Carlos Marmol, Bob Howry, Michael Wuertz, Sean Marshall, Jon Lieber, Kevin Hart

Kerry Wood still feels like Gagne, Jr. to me. I'm scared of him. Has he really only blown 3 saves so far? That's got to get worse, doesn't it? I love Marmol, but the rest of these guys have either seen better days (Howry, Wuertz)... or won't see days this good for long (Lieber). Whatever.

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: C plus

Bench Players, Manager, Blah Blah Intangibles, Grit, Hustle, Slow-Pulse-in-Trafficness

Here's a whole bunch of stuff that I don't believe to be hugely important so I'll put it together. I think Lou Pinella is a hugely overrated manager. I think more often than not, he coaches a baseball game sort of how I would... if I were drunk, under 4 feet tall, and wearing a clown costume. Soriano batting leadoff is a prime example of that to me. Marmol setting up for Gagne, Jr. is another. This team's biggest falling-off point for me is the idiot on the bench that's going to waste 50 runs this year by forcing Soriano to hit 35 solo home runs.

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: F- -, haha, that looks sinister! F minus minus!!

OVERALL TEAM PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: B Minus

So what does that all basically mean? Here's what it means...

Bad Joke on Bad Joke Crime!!

Yes, I'm going to bitch about something from ESPN Page 2. Yes, I realize that D.J. Gallo, Mike Philbrick and David Schoenfield intend this shit as humor. Well, it's hacky, terrible, un-funny humor and it needs to be punished.

According to the Dallas Morning News and about 97 percent of the esteemed members of the blogosphere, Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson are done.

Am I reading a sports website? Or the latest issue of US Weekly? Do sports fans really give a fat baby's dick about this? I think most smart football fans are sitting at home and praying that Jessica Simpson hooks up with Rick Salomon and he spills out a sex tape, but until it happens, who cares!

Here are a few suggestions for No. 9's next piece of arm candy.

Here's a run-down of the suggestions.

1. President Bush's daughter - She's from Texas.
2. Roger Clemen's wife - See Joke #1.
3. Nick Lachey's other ex - Duh.
4. Lauren Conrad - Insert hacky joke about "game" film... oh, you already did.
5. Old actress from 'Dallas' - Logistical similarity to fictious character.
6. Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders - See Joke #1.
7. Minka Kelly - See Joke #5.
8. Lohan - Because making fun of drunks is funny! Silly alcoholic!!
9. Jessica Biel - Jeter and Timberlake hit it. Which is funny because...
10. Star Jones - Star in name + Star on helmet = Funny Joke! LOL!
11. Marisa Miller - Will make Tom Brady jealous!
12. Tom Brady's ex - See Joke #11.
13. Tila Tequila - Tequila -->Mexican -->Romo in Mexico w/Jessica-->Big Laughs
14. Roger Clemens' side-piece - See Joke #1. Insert tacky reference to McCready being preyed on by a pedophile.
15. LeBron's Mom - Always classy to make fun of a guy's mother. And funny. Classy funny.
16. Tampa Bay Rays Third Baseman - Point out similarity to Eva Longoria's name + Make completely unrelated Ronaldo reference = Double Joke, mother fucker!!!

So to recap, 16 suggestions for a new girlfriend for Tony Romo.

Six jokes about Texas, the Cowboy's uniform or the sport Romo plays, four women over 50, at least two chicks that Roger Clemens has boffed, at least two chicks that Tom Brady has boffed, a drunk, a victim of pedophilia and a man. Zero viable suggestions, negative 37 laughs.

And if not for Heath Ledger's recent passing, you can be damned certain there would have been at least 11 Brokeback Mountain jokes.