The Worst Michael Vick Joke Ever...

And simultaneously the only time I'll ever mention the College World Series.

University of Georgia vs. Fresno State.

Yup. Bulldogs vs. Bulldogs... so I guess you could call it... a dog fight.


Stick that in your pipe and smoke it...

Curt Schilling: American Badass!!!

Everybody's taking a swing at this post on Curt Schilling's 38pitches blog. I guess that means it's up to me to knock this motherfucker out of the park (kind of like the fat fastballs Schilling's been throwing for the last 3 years.) He covered a bunch of different topics and I find more than just the Kobe stuff offensive, so here goes.

Manny hits 500, wow. 500 of anything means you’re good.

500 GIDP means you're a fucking rock star dude.

Be it walks, hits, runs, anything, but 500 home runs, while it can be argued is not the milestone it once was, is still an incredible feat.

If you're so pumped about Manny reaching 500, why are you taking away from it by pointing out that it's "not the milestone it once was"? Do you always shit on your teammates achievements?

I’ve said before, when you do something in a game that is more than a century old, for the first time, or only time, you’ve truly done something.

I appreciate Manny as much as anybody, but what has he done that's never been done before? Aside from high-fiving a guy in the bleachers after a catch? Most post season home runs? Could that have something to do with him playing in 95 post-season games? (30 more than Mickey Mantle, for example)

Who isn’t blown away at the Jon Lester story?

I'm not blown away. He threw a no-hitter. You're blown away because you still look at him and see CANCER CANCER CANCER CANCER CANCER TUMOR CANCER DEATH written on his forehead. To me, he's really just another pitcher now. I look at him the way I look at everybody else.

I’d like to think I’ve helped him a bit.

Of course you have. I'm sure he looks at you the way Andy Pettitte looks at Roger Clemens.

I couldn’t play in the NBA because about 43 times last night I heard things being said that would have made me swing at someone.

Curt Schilling: Bad Mother Fucker. But seriously, remember this quote.

Paul Pierce is friggin good. What a game. Who on the Lakers can defend him?

Kobe defended him pretty well in Game 3, when he didn't have to fight the refs the whole way.

I wondered aloud, a few times, how in the hell calls weren’t being made against the Celts on a ton of plays in the paint where there was some serious pugilism being committed.

Glad that Curt Schilling backed me up on this. Yeah Curt, I wonder why there weren't more calls against the Celtics in Boston...

From the first tip until about 4 minutes left in the game I saw and heard this guy (Kobe Bryant) bitch at his teammates.

They were playing like shit Curt, this is what some call leadership. Had they won the game, you'd be raving about how he "took charge out there and willed his team to win."

No dialog about “hey let’s go, let’s get after it” or whatever.
So you mean there was no disingenuous rah-rah bullshit? Just a fierce competitor wanting his teammates to cut down their mistakes, so they could try to win a game in the NBA Finals?

He spent the better part of 3.5 quarters pissed off and ranting at the non-execution or lack of, of his team.

So he has a temper? Well at least he didn't take a swing at a guy 43 different times for trash talking... like you would. Remember saying that Curt? That you'd take a swing at somebody? 43 times a game? Yes, I'm taking you literally. Kobe didn't bitchsmack Luke Walton for missing a rebound. So what's the problem. Again, if they had won the game you'd be gushing about his leadership. They lost, so he's an asshole.

So who do we think would win in a fight between DJ Mbenga and Curt Schilling? I've got $20 on Mbenga.

P.S. - Hey DJ, this is the second time I've mentioned you in my blog. And this time I didn't even imply that Kobe Bryant touched your no-no spot! You should thank me. You should autograph something and mail it to me. Better yet, get Kobe to autograph something for me... you know, after he sticks his fingers up your bum in the shower.

Thanks to Jane Silva for the tip on this article.

The Biggest Gimme In Sports History!!

A guy named Jeff Gordon (no, not that one) wrote an article chronicling the 10 biggest human train wrecks in sports history. What I don't understand is... why he bothered. Here's who's on the list and why...

Mike Tyson - Raping people, cannibalism, wanting to fight Kimbo.
Dennis Rodman - Cross-dressing, starring in Double Team, touching Karl Malone's no-no place.
Jose Canseco - Gee, I dunno... Jose's such an upstanding guy.
OJ Simpson - his portrayal of Detective Nordberg in the Naked Gun series.
John Daly - Trying to eat his ex-wife. Literally.
Tonya Harding - Ruining Paula Jones' plastic surgery.
Pete Rose - People seem to think that he bet on baseball.
Diego Maradona - Who?
Denny McLain - Gambling, secret desire to be The Biggest Dope Man.
Tommy Morrison - Taking cheap shots at Rocky.

So here's what I don't get. Tyson's in the spotlight for wanting to fight Kimbo. Canseco put out a new book. OJ got arrested for tryin' to get some paper... but none of these people are NEW to the list in any way? They've all been crazy for at least 10 years.

I could understand writing this list if you were going to add someone to the list or if you were building a case for someone's removal from it, but to just write a list like this, where 95% of the references are extremely dated, and have been covered and covered again, doesn't make sense to me.

So here are some people that belong on a list of sports greatest train wrecks:

Terrell Owens - Suicide attempts, guest appearances in Bang-Bros porn, staring lustily at the ass of a stripper.
Coco Crisp - Grabbing at the junk of a small Japanese man.


Chris Henry - Gun charges, sex crimes, gun charges, DUI, gun charges, providing alcohol to minors, playing for the Bengals, gun charges, drug use, gun charges, assaulting a valet, drug use, gun charges.

Jason Giambi - Porn 'stache, sharing gold-lamé tiger-striped thong with teammates.

This Has Got To Be Profiling...

Former Cincinnati Bengals fullback Pete Johnson is on his way to prison after having been found guilty of writing bad checks.

He becomes, I think, the one billionth current or former Bengal to wind up on the wrong side of the law. I'm pretty sure it's a billion, give or take a few.

Basically it's everybody except Boomer Esiason. Dear, sweet, beloved Boomer. The man who once laid down in front of a bus to prevent replacement players from getting into the stadium.

So yeah, I'm starting to think that somebody's trying to make the Bengals look bad... because that organization can't possibly be this fucked up, especially since Terrell Owens hasn't played for them.

You know, in recent news Bengals management actually decided against new uniform designs, electing instead to give black sharpies to all their players, so they could draw stripes on their prison jumpsuits.