Some blogs exist exclusively to tear up poor sports journalism. Some offer analysis or opinions. I try to do a little bit of these things... but when it all comes down to it, the real reason I'm here is to help spread the news when a former Japanese Import pitcher gets loaded up and actually managed to embarrass himself worse than when he pitched!
Yup, you guessed it. Hideki Irabu got arrested for mugging a bartender.
Irabu, 39, became angered after his credit card was rejected. He allegedly pushed the bartender against the wall, pulled his hair and smashed at least nine liquor bottles. The bartender sustained no injuries.
Apparently Irabu threw the bottles, thus explaining how none of them hit the bartender.
For what it's worth saying, if Irabu showed this much initiative in New York, Steinbrenner would never have called him a fat toad.
There's no word on whether the 20 mugs of beer Irabu chugged down are part of a comeback attempt on "The David Wells Diet."
Showing posts with label Drunken Circus Midgets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drunken Circus Midgets. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
Manny Being Schizophrenic!!!
So a week after Shawn Chacon stomped a mudhole in Astros GM, Ed Wade (much to the joy of every Phillies fan in the country), now we're hearing that Manny Ramirez midget-tossed a Sox traveling secretary!
An interesting question was posed regarding the matter already, and here it is:
Other than a difference of 505 career homers, how was this attack different from Shawn Chacon's tussle with Ed Wade?
Here's the difference. Manny didn't attack his boss. If Manny had thrown Theo Epstein on the floor, then there'd be a good chance that he'd get cut loose by the team. However, at the same time, I think Epstein's also younger, more fit, and enough of a man to admit that he deserved it if he did, in fact deserve it.
Ed Wade's a crusty old chickenshit who, by some accounts, provoked Chacon and then cried foul when he got what he deserved. Wade claims that it's all Chacon's fault of course, but I've already picked my side of it... which is to say that I think Ed Wade deserved to be punched regardless of what happened... because he's a shitty GM.
Point is... that if you hit a co-worker, you'll probably get fired.
If you hit your boss... you're DEFINITELY getting shit-canned.
Plus, when you really think about it, Manny Ramirez is on the books for $20 Million a year, so to buy him out for half a season would cost the Sox $10 Million.
If the Red Sox traveling secretary sues the team for failing to discipline the ManRam, is he going to get $10 Million? Probably not, so even from a financial stance, it makes more sense to keep your best hitter, win games and make a run at the World Series.
Funny thing about it... Manny was trying to get 16 tickets for a game in Houston. Maybe Manny's tight with Chacon and did this to lobby for his addition to the Sox Roster!!
An interesting question was posed regarding the matter already, and here it is:
Other than a difference of 505 career homers, how was this attack different from Shawn Chacon's tussle with Ed Wade?
Here's the difference. Manny didn't attack his boss. If Manny had thrown Theo Epstein on the floor, then there'd be a good chance that he'd get cut loose by the team. However, at the same time, I think Epstein's also younger, more fit, and enough of a man to admit that he deserved it if he did, in fact deserve it.
Ed Wade's a crusty old chickenshit who, by some accounts, provoked Chacon and then cried foul when he got what he deserved. Wade claims that it's all Chacon's fault of course, but I've already picked my side of it... which is to say that I think Ed Wade deserved to be punched regardless of what happened... because he's a shitty GM.
Point is... that if you hit a co-worker, you'll probably get fired.
If you hit your boss... you're DEFINITELY getting shit-canned.
Plus, when you really think about it, Manny Ramirez is on the books for $20 Million a year, so to buy him out for half a season would cost the Sox $10 Million.
If the Red Sox traveling secretary sues the team for failing to discipline the ManRam, is he going to get $10 Million? Probably not, so even from a financial stance, it makes more sense to keep your best hitter, win games and make a run at the World Series.
Funny thing about it... Manny was trying to get 16 tickets for a game in Houston. Maybe Manny's tight with Chacon and did this to lobby for his addition to the Sox Roster!!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
The Worst Michael Vick Joke Ever...
And simultaneously the only time I'll ever mention the College World Series.
University of Georgia vs. Fresno State.
Yup. Bulldogs vs. Bulldogs... so I guess you could call it... a dog fight.
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it...
University of Georgia vs. Fresno State.
Yup. Bulldogs vs. Bulldogs... so I guess you could call it... a dog fight.
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it...
Monday, June 23, 2008
Proof That People Will Never Get It...
In the Year of Darkness, 2029, the rulers of this planet devised the ultimate plan. They would reshape the Future by changing the Past. The plan required something that felt no pity. No pain. No fear. Something unstoppable. They created 'THE TERMINATOR.'
Okay, so maybe it's not that dire. Basically the assertion of that article, is that bloggers are suddenly, and collectively starting to "get it." We (and I generously include myself in this discussion) are suddenly realizing that we can no longer go off half-cocked, or quarter-cocked (but it's okay to go off cockless if you're a chick blogger) with whatever rumors or opinions that we might have.
We're maturing! We're growing and aging! We have hair on our still underdeveloped pubic regions now, and one day, if encouraged and guided by a father-figure like Jay Mariotti, we might one day stop masturbating furiously to midget porn and leave the safety of our mother's basements, and in doing so, we might gain a semblance of credibility!
Sites such as SportsbyBrooks, Kissing Suzy Kolber, With Leather and Mr. Irrelevant have touted themselves as edgy and independent, outsiders free to write what mainstream media will not.
Which is, of course, a good thing, right? Because additional coverage from different perspectives can only enlighten readers to the different interpretations of a situation, or entertain them with a more humor-driven approach to a serious topic. And anybody who's not interested, doesn't have to read. Who could take issue with that?
Critics have portrayed them differently: the rabid fan sitting at a computer in his parents' basement, in his pajamas, spewing opinion.
Who are these critics, because I think we've already established that they're full of shit. Why... I think they're professional sportswriters! I think it's the hacks who are taking salaries to sit in their pajamas and spew opinion!! Could they possibly feel threatened by the fact that now anybody can do their job, and in many cases, do their job better than they're capable of doing it?
Or to ask the same question in a more concise manner... is it possible that the people who are most critical of blogging are the people who's careers are most directly threatened by it?
"Bloggers are maturing and realizing that we're moving out of the childhood age of this industry, into an awkward adolescence," said Robert Niles, who chronicles new media on his SensibleTalk.com website. "For some bloggers, they can see adulthood on the horizon."
And then there's this asshole! Some douche bag who's pushing his own website by speculating about the motives of hundreds of other writers whom he's never met, and probably never read. It's not about childhood or adulthood. It's about what the blogger is trying to accomplish by writing a blog... and that varies for EVERY. SINGLE. BLOGGER.
There is no research being conducted regarding the maturation curve of members of the blogosphere. There are no studies being funded by UCLA's Department of Bullshit on the Internet. Nobody's being interviewed by the New York Times. Robert Niles of SensibleTalk.com is very sensibly talking out his ass about something he has no way of knowing.
"It's a question of how successful do we want to be and how much are we willing to adjust our approach?" said Mike Florio of ProFootballTalk, who began blogging in 2000. "We're gaining revenue, gaining credibility."
Says the owner of ONE BLOG. Mike Florio of ProFootballTalk.com decided that given the chance to gain credibility, and thus potentially increase his earning potential, that he would pass on the chance to talk about Terrell Owens in Bang Bros Porn. And for Mike Florio, that's probably the right decision.
If somebody came to me tomorrow and offered to pay me $100,000.00 a year to write this blog under their domain, under the condition that I promise to never use profanity again... well Shitfuckshitfuckbitchcocktitsmotherfuckballsdirtysanchez!!! I would most definitely take that deal!!
"We're trying to make money on this," said A.J. Daulerio, a senior writer for Deadspin. "Without going completely porn, the best way to do that is to add a more journalistic element."
Wow A.J. Daulerio from Deadspin!! You're trying to make money too?! That's why Mike Florio from ProFootballTalk added a more journalistic approach to his dealings!! So let me re-write the premise of this article. The new title is:
Wild Times for Sports Blogs That Want to Be Credible and Make Money May Be Nearing an End!
Because the bottom line is the writer's aims and goals. If you want to gain credibility and turn profit, then at some point, you need to sanitize your act. And in doing so, bloggers are also bringing to light the greatest fears of 'sports journalists'... because people are starting to turn to Deadspin instead of FoxSports or ESPN. Why? Because it's not the same old crusty bullshit and stale views from the last 20 years. It's new, it's exciting, and it's not totally made-up.
Okay, so maybe it's not that dire. Basically the assertion of that article, is that bloggers are suddenly, and collectively starting to "get it." We (and I generously include myself in this discussion) are suddenly realizing that we can no longer go off half-cocked, or quarter-cocked (but it's okay to go off cockless if you're a chick blogger) with whatever rumors or opinions that we might have.
We're maturing! We're growing and aging! We have hair on our still underdeveloped pubic regions now, and one day, if encouraged and guided by a father-figure like Jay Mariotti, we might one day stop masturbating furiously to midget porn and leave the safety of our mother's basements, and in doing so, we might gain a semblance of credibility!
Sites such as SportsbyBrooks, Kissing Suzy Kolber, With Leather and Mr. Irrelevant have touted themselves as edgy and independent, outsiders free to write what mainstream media will not.
Which is, of course, a good thing, right? Because additional coverage from different perspectives can only enlighten readers to the different interpretations of a situation, or entertain them with a more humor-driven approach to a serious topic. And anybody who's not interested, doesn't have to read. Who could take issue with that?
Critics have portrayed them differently: the rabid fan sitting at a computer in his parents' basement, in his pajamas, spewing opinion.
Who are these critics, because I think we've already established that they're full of shit. Why... I think they're professional sportswriters! I think it's the hacks who are taking salaries to sit in their pajamas and spew opinion!! Could they possibly feel threatened by the fact that now anybody can do their job, and in many cases, do their job better than they're capable of doing it?
Or to ask the same question in a more concise manner... is it possible that the people who are most critical of blogging are the people who's careers are most directly threatened by it?
"Bloggers are maturing and realizing that we're moving out of the childhood age of this industry, into an awkward adolescence," said Robert Niles, who chronicles new media on his SensibleTalk.com website. "For some bloggers, they can see adulthood on the horizon."
And then there's this asshole! Some douche bag who's pushing his own website by speculating about the motives of hundreds of other writers whom he's never met, and probably never read. It's not about childhood or adulthood. It's about what the blogger is trying to accomplish by writing a blog... and that varies for EVERY. SINGLE. BLOGGER.
There is no research being conducted regarding the maturation curve of members of the blogosphere. There are no studies being funded by UCLA's Department of Bullshit on the Internet. Nobody's being interviewed by the New York Times. Robert Niles of SensibleTalk.com is very sensibly talking out his ass about something he has no way of knowing.
"It's a question of how successful do we want to be and how much are we willing to adjust our approach?" said Mike Florio of ProFootballTalk, who began blogging in 2000. "We're gaining revenue, gaining credibility."
Says the owner of ONE BLOG. Mike Florio of ProFootballTalk.com decided that given the chance to gain credibility, and thus potentially increase his earning potential, that he would pass on the chance to talk about Terrell Owens in Bang Bros Porn. And for Mike Florio, that's probably the right decision.
If somebody came to me tomorrow and offered to pay me $100,000.00 a year to write this blog under their domain, under the condition that I promise to never use profanity again... well Shitfuckshitfuckbitchcocktitsmotherfuckballsdirtysanchez!!! I would most definitely take that deal!!
"We're trying to make money on this," said A.J. Daulerio, a senior writer for Deadspin. "Without going completely porn, the best way to do that is to add a more journalistic element."
Wow A.J. Daulerio from Deadspin!! You're trying to make money too?! That's why Mike Florio from ProFootballTalk added a more journalistic approach to his dealings!! So let me re-write the premise of this article. The new title is:
Wild Times for Sports Blogs That Want to Be Credible and Make Money May Be Nearing an End!
Because the bottom line is the writer's aims and goals. If you want to gain credibility and turn profit, then at some point, you need to sanitize your act. And in doing so, bloggers are also bringing to light the greatest fears of 'sports journalists'... because people are starting to turn to Deadspin instead of FoxSports or ESPN. Why? Because it's not the same old crusty bullshit and stale views from the last 20 years. It's new, it's exciting, and it's not totally made-up.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Girls Gone Wild! You're Doing It Wrong!!!
Check this out guys...
It had to be a chick from New York, didn't it? Smoking on a plane, bitchslapping flight attendants and spewing racial slurs like a Lohan on Crystal Meth!
They're saying she had 2 beers in the airport and 3 'vodka drinks' on the plane. So five drinks. If this bitch got that nuts on five drinks, I'm DYING to see what she'd do during a full night at a crazy, fucked up bar.
If you're Christina Szele, or you know her, or whatever, point her in this direction. Christina, I'm hereby inviting you out to Coyote Ugly's for a night of drunken antics. The night will be entirely on me, but I'll give you fair warning that anything that happens will be written about the next day.
And before anybody gets their brain broken over it, NO, I'm not looking to get lucky with a drunk chick. That's not how I roll (plus I'm happily taken). I just kinda want to see some train-wreck chick getting fucked up and starting the Royal Rumble on top of the bar.
It had to be a chick from New York, didn't it? Smoking on a plane, bitchslapping flight attendants and spewing racial slurs like a Lohan on Crystal Meth!
They're saying she had 2 beers in the airport and 3 'vodka drinks' on the plane. So five drinks. If this bitch got that nuts on five drinks, I'm DYING to see what she'd do during a full night at a crazy, fucked up bar.
If you're Christina Szele, or you know her, or whatever, point her in this direction. Christina, I'm hereby inviting you out to Coyote Ugly's for a night of drunken antics. The night will be entirely on me, but I'll give you fair warning that anything that happens will be written about the next day.
And before anybody gets their brain broken over it, NO, I'm not looking to get lucky with a drunk chick. That's not how I roll (plus I'm happily taken). I just kinda want to see some train-wreck chick getting fucked up and starting the Royal Rumble on top of the bar.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Your One-Stop Shop for Entertainment?
I found this a while back and since I went MIA for a few days, I feel like I should do something new to let you guys know I'm still alive and railing at nothing in particular. This little game is called Drunken Masters... and it's pretty much Guitar Hero for Alcoholics. I thought you guys'd get a kick out of it. I certainly did for a while.
EDIT: Fuck... I wanted to just post it right here, but the layout doesn't work right, so the window's too small and you can't play the game. I could probably fix it if I were more savvy/smarter but I'm not... and that's part of why you love me. So here's a link instead.
Drunken Master
Click here to play this game
EDIT: Fuck... I wanted to just post it right here, but the layout doesn't work right, so the window's too small and you can't play the game. I could probably fix it if I were more savvy/smarter but I'm not... and that's part of why you love me. So here's a link instead.
Drunken Master
Click here to play this game
Friday, May 30, 2008
Rape is more Clean Cut than Tattoos!
For the record out of the gate here, maybe I'm bias because I'm up to 8 tattoos, and I'm dating the most beautiful woman in the world, and she's also got a bunch of ink. I like tattoos, I plan to get more, and I don't see anything wrong with that.
I also think that whether a person likes tattoos or not, something like 95% of people are apathetic to whether or not another person has them. My dad's not a tattoo guy, but he couldn't care a chunk of gorilla poop if the guy who slices his cold cuts has them. He doesn't walk an extra block to buy a paper from someone who hasn't soiled the purity of their skin with a tramp stamp. Who gives a shit!
Jason Whitlock does. And he's certain that you do too.
Over the next couple of weeks you'll hear lots of theories about why TV ratings are surging for the NBA playoffs.
We're heading towards Lakers-Celtics? Chris Paul? LeBron James? Kobe? Tim Duncan? Garnett, Pierce and Ray Allen's rotting remains? The fact that every series has gone 7 games? Everybody holding home court? Tony Parker's appeal to fans of 'Desperate Housewives'?
The NBA has been experiencing a resurgence ever since the Suns traded for Shaquille O'Neal, the Lakers acquired Pau Gasol, the Mavericks got hoodwinked into snagging Jason Kidd and the Cavaliers picked up new spare parts for LeBron.
So this isn't even something that started in the playoffs then. The Shaq/Gasol/Kidd/Zombie Formerly Known as Ben Wallace trades happened months ago.
But there's one issue driving improved ratings that likely won't be touched by all the NBA talking heads on TNT and ESPN.
You think the shitty officiating is improving ratings?
Tattoos. Or rather the lack of tattoos in the conference finals.
Oh yeah, the lack of tattoos! Why didn't I think of... wait... what?!
Part of the reason more people are watching these playoffs is because the average fan isn't constantly repulsed by the appearance of most of the players on the court. Most of the key players left in the playoffs don't look like recent prison parolees.
First off, if Jason Whitlock were white, could he write this without getting fired and beaten with Don Imus? Like literally, someone picking up Don Imus and swinging him like a 7-iron at Jason Whitlock! Recent prison parolees?! Because of some tattoos?
And second, the average fan is repulsed to the point of not watching a game on TV by this? Really?! So if we added up ALL BASKETBALL FANS, and divided them by their sum, what we'd come out with is a guy who doesn't watch basketball because of Allen Iverson? I highly doubt that.
The only accurate way to describe Garnett, Pierce, Duncan, Allen, Manu, Parker and even Kobe is "clean cut."
I don't know if I'd label as being Kevin Garnett "squeaky clean." Have a look. Kind of looks like he wants to commit a random act of violence against a midget... doesn't he?
Yeah, there are a couple of tattoos in that group — Duncan has something on his back, Kobe still has his post-rape-allegation tat
Cue the band!!!!! And make them dances FUNKY BEEEOOOOTCH!!!
It's better for rating to be a rapist than to have tattoos! Kobe has his post-rape allegation tat!! And that's alright! Because not only does nobody mind his tattoo... NOBODY MINDS THAT THERE WERE RAPE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST HIM!!! And why? Because he's fucking terrific at basketball! Before you Laker fans flood me with hate mail, let me say this:
I do understand that Kobe was cleared of wrong-doing and found not guilty, but the entire premise of Jason Whitlock's argument is that people refuse to watch basketball because of their conservative natures. People as a whole, are conservative and hate tattoos, because people with them look like "recent prison parolees."
But these same conservative people have completely forgotten that Kobe Bryant was accused of raping the desk clerk at a hotel in Colorado like an hour and a half ago.
I know many of you probably think the number of tattoos doesn't influence viewing habits.
You're finally speaking to me dude. Now you're going to tell me that you were intentionally exaggerating or just dicking around, right?
You're wrong.
Fuck you! Fuck you for fostering hope where there is none. You are hopeless Jason Whitlock, utterly hopeless. Why don't you go ahead and try to relate this situation to sex in a purely unrelated way.
There's a reason you don't see nude scenes in movies with fat people. Trust me, fat people have sex. It's just no one wants to see it. Not even fat people.
Notice what Jason Whitlock does here. Jason Whitlock is fat, so when he says, "Trust me, fat people have sex", what he's really trying to say is "Trust me, I'm not a virgin." However, I've seen fat guys boning hot chicks. Want proof? Here's proof. He's chunky. And he's boned more hot chicks than you, me, Bill Simmons, Adam Duritz, John Mayer (who has tattoos and therefore will never sell any records) and Jason Whitlock combined. So apparently fat-person sex sells in the porn industry!
No one wants to watch Delonte West or Larry Hughes play basketball.
Because they suck?
It's uncomfortable and disconcerting. You don't want your kids to see it.
Yeah, they're pretty bad at basketball. Larry Hughes had a website dedicated to his suckage. I'd much rather my kid watch Allen Iverson and learn to play the game well.
You don't want your kids to think they should decorate their neck, arms, hands, chest and legs in paint. You don't want to waste time explaining to your kids that some millionaire athletes have so little genuine self-confidence that they find it necessary to cover themselves in tattoos as a way to mask their insecurities.
Fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck. FUCK!!! I thought Jason Whitlock got a clue for a second. He's now generalized the entire business and purpose of tattooing. Here is a scientific look at Jason Whitlock's argument.
Insecurity * Lack of Self-Confidence / Time In Prison = Tattoos
And here's my equation for this article!!
Ignorance + Fear * Being a Pussy Who's Scared of Pain = Jason Whitlock's Hatred of Inked Skin!!
It's all downhill in the article from this point on. But it's boring and I should wrap this up, so let me summarize.
Jason Whitlock is an insecure pussy who lacks self-confidence and expresses his ignorance of something he doesn't understand even slightly by railing against it with two pages worth of absolutely meaningless rambling that does absolutely nothing to explain why ratings are up during the NBA Playoffs.
Ratings are up because of the Lakers and Celtics, and because of Kobe, LeBron, Chris Paul, Tim Duncan, Pau Gasol, Tony Parker, Manu, etc. Because of a Game 7 in every series. And because there's really no clear-cut favorite this year, it's all up in the air and that's exciting.
Ratings are not up because Rajon Rondo is tattoo-free.
I also think that whether a person likes tattoos or not, something like 95% of people are apathetic to whether or not another person has them. My dad's not a tattoo guy, but he couldn't care a chunk of gorilla poop if the guy who slices his cold cuts has them. He doesn't walk an extra block to buy a paper from someone who hasn't soiled the purity of their skin with a tramp stamp. Who gives a shit!
Jason Whitlock does. And he's certain that you do too.
Over the next couple of weeks you'll hear lots of theories about why TV ratings are surging for the NBA playoffs.
We're heading towards Lakers-Celtics? Chris Paul? LeBron James? Kobe? Tim Duncan? Garnett, Pierce and Ray Allen's rotting remains? The fact that every series has gone 7 games? Everybody holding home court? Tony Parker's appeal to fans of 'Desperate Housewives'?
The NBA has been experiencing a resurgence ever since the Suns traded for Shaquille O'Neal, the Lakers acquired Pau Gasol, the Mavericks got hoodwinked into snagging Jason Kidd and the Cavaliers picked up new spare parts for LeBron.
So this isn't even something that started in the playoffs then. The Shaq/Gasol/Kidd/Zombie Formerly Known as Ben Wallace trades happened months ago.
But there's one issue driving improved ratings that likely won't be touched by all the NBA talking heads on TNT and ESPN.
You think the shitty officiating is improving ratings?
Tattoos. Or rather the lack of tattoos in the conference finals.
Oh yeah, the lack of tattoos! Why didn't I think of... wait... what?!
Part of the reason more people are watching these playoffs is because the average fan isn't constantly repulsed by the appearance of most of the players on the court. Most of the key players left in the playoffs don't look like recent prison parolees.
First off, if Jason Whitlock were white, could he write this without getting fired and beaten with Don Imus? Like literally, someone picking up Don Imus and swinging him like a 7-iron at Jason Whitlock! Recent prison parolees?! Because of some tattoos?
And second, the average fan is repulsed to the point of not watching a game on TV by this? Really?! So if we added up ALL BASKETBALL FANS, and divided them by their sum, what we'd come out with is a guy who doesn't watch basketball because of Allen Iverson? I highly doubt that.
The only accurate way to describe Garnett, Pierce, Duncan, Allen, Manu, Parker and even Kobe is "clean cut."
I don't know if I'd label as being Kevin Garnett "squeaky clean." Have a look. Kind of looks like he wants to commit a random act of violence against a midget... doesn't he?
Yeah, there are a couple of tattoos in that group — Duncan has something on his back, Kobe still has his post-rape-allegation tat
Cue the band!!!!! And make them dances FUNKY BEEEOOOOTCH!!!
It's better for rating to be a rapist than to have tattoos! Kobe has his post-rape allegation tat!! And that's alright! Because not only does nobody mind his tattoo... NOBODY MINDS THAT THERE WERE RAPE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST HIM!!! And why? Because he's fucking terrific at basketball! Before you Laker fans flood me with hate mail, let me say this:
I do understand that Kobe was cleared of wrong-doing and found not guilty, but the entire premise of Jason Whitlock's argument is that people refuse to watch basketball because of their conservative natures. People as a whole, are conservative and hate tattoos, because people with them look like "recent prison parolees."
But these same conservative people have completely forgotten that Kobe Bryant was accused of raping the desk clerk at a hotel in Colorado like an hour and a half ago.
I know many of you probably think the number of tattoos doesn't influence viewing habits.
You're finally speaking to me dude. Now you're going to tell me that you were intentionally exaggerating or just dicking around, right?
You're wrong.
Fuck you! Fuck you for fostering hope where there is none. You are hopeless Jason Whitlock, utterly hopeless. Why don't you go ahead and try to relate this situation to sex in a purely unrelated way.
There's a reason you don't see nude scenes in movies with fat people. Trust me, fat people have sex. It's just no one wants to see it. Not even fat people.
Notice what Jason Whitlock does here. Jason Whitlock is fat, so when he says, "Trust me, fat people have sex", what he's really trying to say is "Trust me, I'm not a virgin." However, I've seen fat guys boning hot chicks. Want proof? Here's proof. He's chunky. And he's boned more hot chicks than you, me, Bill Simmons, Adam Duritz, John Mayer (who has tattoos and therefore will never sell any records) and Jason Whitlock combined. So apparently fat-person sex sells in the porn industry!
No one wants to watch Delonte West or Larry Hughes play basketball.
Because they suck?
It's uncomfortable and disconcerting. You don't want your kids to see it.
Yeah, they're pretty bad at basketball. Larry Hughes had a website dedicated to his suckage. I'd much rather my kid watch Allen Iverson and learn to play the game well.
You don't want your kids to think they should decorate their neck, arms, hands, chest and legs in paint. You don't want to waste time explaining to your kids that some millionaire athletes have so little genuine self-confidence that they find it necessary to cover themselves in tattoos as a way to mask their insecurities.
Fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck. FUCK!!! I thought Jason Whitlock got a clue for a second. He's now generalized the entire business and purpose of tattooing. Here is a scientific look at Jason Whitlock's argument.
Insecurity * Lack of Self-Confidence / Time In Prison = Tattoos
And here's my equation for this article!!
Ignorance + Fear * Being a Pussy Who's Scared of Pain = Jason Whitlock's Hatred of Inked Skin!!
It's all downhill in the article from this point on. But it's boring and I should wrap this up, so let me summarize.
Jason Whitlock is an insecure pussy who lacks self-confidence and expresses his ignorance of something he doesn't understand even slightly by railing against it with two pages worth of absolutely meaningless rambling that does absolutely nothing to explain why ratings are up during the NBA Playoffs.
Ratings are up because of the Lakers and Celtics, and because of Kobe, LeBron, Chris Paul, Tim Duncan, Pau Gasol, Tony Parker, Manu, etc. Because of a Game 7 in every series. And because there's really no clear-cut favorite this year, it's all up in the air and that's exciting.
Ratings are not up because Rajon Rondo is tattoo-free.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I Just Love Those Crazy Cohns!!!
I can't help it. I love Lowell and Iggy Cohn. Thank you FJM, thank you SO MUCH for introducing me to them!! Today, Iggy suggests that Lowell has MIND BULLETS! THAT'S FUCKING TELEKINESIS KYLE!!!!!!!
Okay, it's not mind bullets. But it's the ability to make Frank Thomas hit a baseball by suggesting that the Oakland A's cut him. And that's just as good. Here's the article.
The A's should dump Thomas for Bonds. My dad and I have been pushing this idea for weeks. Unfortunately, my dad chose to formally write it up the day Thomas went three for four with two home runs and three RBI. Talk about bad timing.
It's not bad timing Iggy! It's not! Do not mistake coincidence for providence! Morpheus said that in The Matrix so it must be true. There is no coincidence! The Big Hurt hit because your dad talked smack about him!!!
No doubt A's fans think my dad is a hack and maybe worse things.
Why would anybody think that? Could it have something to do with the fact that you guys write like a couple of drunken circus freaks?!
But I'm his son and his business partner, and for fear of being cut out of the will I'm going to defend him.
So basically, you're agreeing that your dad's a hack? You're a real shithead Iggy.
Beane stresses stats over chemistry, Bonds is the epitome of stats over chemistry, Beane should sign Bonds.
I guess that depends on what kind of 'chemistry' you're talking about. From what I hear, Bonds has worked with some great chemists in his day. Maybe Bonds is the epitome of stats-because-of-chemistry.
Furthermore, the implications that syllogism raises due to the fact that Beane hasn't signed Bonds are interesting. Should we believe the things Beane says? Is his money ball doctrine more a construct of Michael Lewis than the boy genius himself? Thought provoking questions, to say the least.
If Beane signs Bonds, then Beane is a jerkface asshole who cares more about stats than people and hearts and flowers and starving children in Guatemala. If Beane doesn't sign Barroid, then Moneyball is a figment of our imaginations and Billy Einstein is a phony, and his team is actually run by the computer from the movie War Games! Hey Iggy, you're a San Fran fan. Who wins more? The Giants? Or that douchebag phony Billy Beane and his A's? Okay, so shut the fuck up.
Blah blah blah for the next 9 paragraphs of witty anecdote about how impressed people are that Iggy is, in fact, the son of Lowell Cohn, except that nobody seems to like Lowell at all, because even in San Francisco, everybody thinks he's a terrible hack.
Then we get to the goods!! THE ABILITY TO KILL A YAK FROM... wait... I already linked the Wonderboy video...
Iggy lists off how because Dad wrote negative shit about Mike Nolan, Barry Zito and Al Davis that the following will happen.
Nolan will lead the 49ers to the playoffs and win coach of the year.
I guess this could happen without voodoo magic. The 49ers don't totally suck. They were 5-11 last year, but they ARE in a Division with Seattle, St. Louis and Arizona and somebody has to win that thing, right?
Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing!
I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks.
I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.
The Raiders will win the Super Bowl in 2008, Al Davis will win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Fire Lane Kiffin and live to 112.
Okay, so this one will probably happen. Right after this does...
Okay, it's not mind bullets. But it's the ability to make Frank Thomas hit a baseball by suggesting that the Oakland A's cut him. And that's just as good. Here's the article.
The A's should dump Thomas for Bonds. My dad and I have been pushing this idea for weeks. Unfortunately, my dad chose to formally write it up the day Thomas went three for four with two home runs and three RBI. Talk about bad timing.
It's not bad timing Iggy! It's not! Do not mistake coincidence for providence! Morpheus said that in The Matrix so it must be true. There is no coincidence! The Big Hurt hit because your dad talked smack about him!!!
No doubt A's fans think my dad is a hack and maybe worse things.
Why would anybody think that? Could it have something to do with the fact that you guys write like a couple of drunken circus freaks?!
But I'm his son and his business partner, and for fear of being cut out of the will I'm going to defend him.
So basically, you're agreeing that your dad's a hack? You're a real shithead Iggy.
Beane stresses stats over chemistry, Bonds is the epitome of stats over chemistry, Beane should sign Bonds.
I guess that depends on what kind of 'chemistry' you're talking about. From what I hear, Bonds has worked with some great chemists in his day. Maybe Bonds is the epitome of stats-because-of-chemistry.
Furthermore, the implications that syllogism raises due to the fact that Beane hasn't signed Bonds are interesting. Should we believe the things Beane says? Is his money ball doctrine more a construct of Michael Lewis than the boy genius himself? Thought provoking questions, to say the least.
If Beane signs Bonds, then Beane is a jerkface asshole who cares more about stats than people and hearts and flowers and starving children in Guatemala. If Beane doesn't sign Barroid, then Moneyball is a figment of our imaginations and Billy Einstein is a phony, and his team is actually run by the computer from the movie War Games! Hey Iggy, you're a San Fran fan. Who wins more? The Giants? Or that douchebag phony Billy Beane and his A's? Okay, so shut the fuck up.
Blah blah blah for the next 9 paragraphs of witty anecdote about how impressed people are that Iggy is, in fact, the son of Lowell Cohn, except that nobody seems to like Lowell at all, because even in San Francisco, everybody thinks he's a terrible hack.
Then we get to the goods!! THE ABILITY TO KILL A YAK FROM... wait... I already linked the Wonderboy video...
Iggy lists off how because Dad wrote negative shit about Mike Nolan, Barry Zito and Al Davis that the following will happen.
Nolan will lead the 49ers to the playoffs and win coach of the year.
I guess this could happen without voodoo magic. The 49ers don't totally suck. They were 5-11 last year, but they ARE in a Division with Seattle, St. Louis and Arizona and somebody has to win that thing, right?
Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing!
I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks.
I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.
The Raiders will win the Super Bowl in 2008, Al Davis will win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Fire Lane Kiffin and live to 112.
Okay, so this one will probably happen. Right after this does...
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Dusty Baker Suspended For Stupidity?
Before our very eyes, a revolutionary series of events is unfolding people! Major League Baseball has begun suspending managers for making complete retarded in-game decisions!!
Dusty Baker was suspended for two games! No doubt this is for his decision to make Adam Dunn sacrifice bunt late in a game a few days ago!
For those of you who aren't aware of this situation, it's the second time this season that Dusty's told a power hitter to bunt in a late-game situation. And it's the second time that the power hitter has failed to get a bunt down, and instead hit a walk-off home run with 2 strikes.
The first time, Edwin Encarnacion did it about 6 seconds after Jeff Brantley told the world how 'un-clutch' Encarnacion was, and suggested pinch hitting for him in late-and-close situations.
I haven't actually READ this article about Baker's suspension. He probably got suspended for something stupid like bumping and ump... but I'm holding out hope that MLB is punishing him for doing the baseball-equivalent of soliciting a tranny hooking and thinking that 'she' is actually a woman.
Just for the sake of background on this situation, Adam Dunn has hit 250 career homers (and averages 40 a season) and has a grand total of 2 career sac hits.
Encarnacion has 48 homers, developing power and a total of zero career sacs.
My deepest sympathies go out to everybody who's team has ever been coached by Dusty Baker. I cannot imagine how you have suffered.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Just for the Cubs Fans out there....
Okay, so in the name of full partial disclosure, the reason this post is happening is because I found a really great video that's probably like a year old, but pretty hysterical and offensive to Cubbies fans. This entire post is building towards said video... but today, I'm going to pontificate on the chances of the Cubs to actually win a championship. Yes Jeff Passan, I too can speak from a wrongfully acquired position of authority! And I know you'll see this... because you read blogs!
All areas will be given a grade based on partial stats taken from small sample sizes which have occurred this season and past player performance in some random way (PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW, because the acronym will make that easier to remember):
Starting Pitching - Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Rich Hill
Okay, Carlos Zambrano is awesome. Props to him on that. However, statistically speaking, he's not the best in this group. Somebody... has thrown 57 innings at a 189 ERA+. And it's not Ted Lilly. And it's not Jason Marquis or Rich Hill either! Can you guess who it is? Yeah. Ryan Dumpster. That's not gonna hold up, not, not, not, no fucking way, not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1asdkfjas2134
PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: C plus
Infield: Geovany Soto, Derek Lee, Mark DeRosa, Ryan Theriot, Aramis Ramirez
Okay, I'm calling bullshit on Ryan Theriot hitting .331/.410/.413, there's no fucking way that holds up. Mark DeRosa On-Basing .406 looks pretty wrong too, but Soto and Ramirez are nice offensive players, and Derek Lee's starting to look more like his old self again, so even after Theriot and DeRosa go the way of Ryan Dempster, the infield will still be able to hit. I'm not going to talk about defense... because there aren't any really reliable metrics, and I don't care about the +/- 10 runs a season worth of difference that it's going to make.
PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: A minus
Outfield: Alfonso Soriano, Kosuke Fukudome, Jim Edmonds' Dead Body, Felix "Scooter" Pie, Reed Johnson
I'll say this again. Alfonso Soriano's power is almost completely wasted in the leadoff spot. And his .328 OBP actually manages to fucking HURT the Cubs there.... because he's going to make wayyyy too many outs, and he's not going to get any chances to hit with runners on. The fucking guy is going to hit 35 solo home runs this year and make close to 500 outs. If they batted him in the 5-hole, where he belongs, he'd drive in 35-45 more runs this year, and probably make about 70 less outs, which would benefit his team all around. Seriously... swap Soriano and Fukudome in the lineup!! Put Fukudome's .416 OBP in the leadoff spot!! And Soriano's .592 SLG in the 5-hole!! Just try it!! Please!! I'm fucking begging you!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and get a Centerfielder... this Edmonds situation is embarrassing.
PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: B plus
Relief Pitching: Kerry Wood, Carlos Marmol, Bob Howry, Michael Wuertz, Sean Marshall, Jon Lieber, Kevin Hart
Kerry Wood still feels like Gagne, Jr. to me. I'm scared of him. Has he really only blown 3 saves so far? That's got to get worse, doesn't it? I love Marmol, but the rest of these guys have either seen better days (Howry, Wuertz)... or won't see days this good for long (Lieber). Whatever.
PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: C plus
Bench Players, Manager, Blah Blah Intangibles, Grit, Hustle, Slow-Pulse-in-Trafficness
Here's a whole bunch of stuff that I don't believe to be hugely important so I'll put it together. I think Lou Pinella is a hugely overrated manager. I think more often than not, he coaches a baseball game sort of how I would... if I were drunk, under 4 feet tall, and wearing a clown costume. Soriano batting leadoff is a prime example of that to me. Marmol setting up for Gagne, Jr. is another. This team's biggest falling-off point for me is the idiot on the bench that's going to waste 50 runs this year by forcing Soriano to hit 35 solo home runs.
PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: F- -, haha, that looks sinister! F minus minus!!
OVERALL TEAM PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: B Minus
So what does that all basically mean? Here's what it means...
All areas will be given a grade based on partial stats taken from small sample sizes which have occurred this season and past player performance in some random way (PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW, because the acronym will make that easier to remember):
Starting Pitching - Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Rich Hill
Okay, Carlos Zambrano is awesome. Props to him on that. However, statistically speaking, he's not the best in this group. Somebody... has thrown 57 innings at a 189 ERA+. And it's not Ted Lilly. And it's not Jason Marquis or Rich Hill either! Can you guess who it is? Yeah. Ryan Dumpster. That's not gonna hold up, not, not, not, no fucking way, not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1asdkfjas2134
PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: C plus
Infield: Geovany Soto, Derek Lee, Mark DeRosa, Ryan Theriot, Aramis Ramirez
Okay, I'm calling bullshit on Ryan Theriot hitting .331/.410/.413, there's no fucking way that holds up. Mark DeRosa On-Basing .406 looks pretty wrong too, but Soto and Ramirez are nice offensive players, and Derek Lee's starting to look more like his old self again, so even after Theriot and DeRosa go the way of Ryan Dempster, the infield will still be able to hit. I'm not going to talk about defense... because there aren't any really reliable metrics, and I don't care about the +/- 10 runs a season worth of difference that it's going to make.
PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: A minus
Outfield: Alfonso Soriano, Kosuke Fukudome, Jim Edmonds' Dead Body, Felix "Scooter" Pie, Reed Johnson
I'll say this again. Alfonso Soriano's power is almost completely wasted in the leadoff spot. And his .328 OBP actually manages to fucking HURT the Cubs there.... because he's going to make wayyyy too many outs, and he's not going to get any chances to hit with runners on. The fucking guy is going to hit 35 solo home runs this year and make close to 500 outs. If they batted him in the 5-hole, where he belongs, he'd drive in 35-45 more runs this year, and probably make about 70 less outs, which would benefit his team all around. Seriously... swap Soriano and Fukudome in the lineup!! Put Fukudome's .416 OBP in the leadoff spot!! And Soriano's .592 SLG in the 5-hole!! Just try it!! Please!! I'm fucking begging you!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and get a Centerfielder... this Edmonds situation is embarrassing.
PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: B plus
Relief Pitching: Kerry Wood, Carlos Marmol, Bob Howry, Michael Wuertz, Sean Marshall, Jon Lieber, Kevin Hart
Kerry Wood still feels like Gagne, Jr. to me. I'm scared of him. Has he really only blown 3 saves so far? That's got to get worse, doesn't it? I love Marmol, but the rest of these guys have either seen better days (Howry, Wuertz)... or won't see days this good for long (Lieber). Whatever.
PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: C plus
Bench Players, Manager, Blah Blah Intangibles, Grit, Hustle, Slow-Pulse-in-Trafficness
Here's a whole bunch of stuff that I don't believe to be hugely important so I'll put it together. I think Lou Pinella is a hugely overrated manager. I think more often than not, he coaches a baseball game sort of how I would... if I were drunk, under 4 feet tall, and wearing a clown costume. Soriano batting leadoff is a prime example of that to me. Marmol setting up for Gagne, Jr. is another. This team's biggest falling-off point for me is the idiot on the bench that's going to waste 50 runs this year by forcing Soriano to hit 35 solo home runs.
PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: F- -, haha, that looks sinister! F minus minus!!
OVERALL TEAM PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: B Minus
So what does that all basically mean? Here's what it means...
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