A lot of things have happened in the world over the last 24 hours, there have been some very important developments, but none that rocked the very fabric of my being quite the way that this news did.
I just want to say that I never saw this coming. Clay Aiken is gay?! You have to be kidding me!! He's so masculine!! I mean, for me, Clay Aiken has always embodied what it means to be a heterosexual male!! What will our society do, now that this pillar of machismo has fallen?
I'm predicting that there will be riots, and that the NFL will go on strike, as hundreds of gridiron jocks are left without their last great male role model.
What's next guys? Chuck Norris in the emergency room with a gerbil up his ass? I just don't know what to do now that Clay Aiken is gay.
Okay, enough of the sarcasm. I just checked with one of my co-workers about this, and we both thought that Aiken came out of the closet a couple of months ago. Personally, I thought that was the reason Aiken was on American Idol to begin with.
And in other news, I'm bored.
If you're reading this post, you should drop me a line and say hello. Talk to me, seriously. I want to know who you crazy bastards are!! So go to your e-mail of choice, and write something, and send it to primeoffense@yahoo.com. Or I will never forgive any of you.
Showing posts with label Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Just a Quick Note...
More like a quick ass-kiss, actually.
The guys at FireJoeMorgan.com actually linked one of my posts yesterday. They were in the process of systematically destroying Bruce Jenkins, because yes, there are still morons that think pitch-counts are bad for the game.
So yeah, I just wanted to say thanks to the guys at FJM for noticing the post and using my stuff. Especially now that I have a reason to believe that they're aware of my existence. Those dudes are my sports-journalism fucking heroes.
Tags are possible ways that I'll be celebrating. Thanks again to Buzz Bissinger for the "Interactive Gangbang" tag. It's a gift that really does keep on giving.
The guys at FireJoeMorgan.com actually linked one of my posts yesterday. They were in the process of systematically destroying Bruce Jenkins, because yes, there are still morons that think pitch-counts are bad for the game.
So yeah, I just wanted to say thanks to the guys at FJM for noticing the post and using my stuff. Especially now that I have a reason to believe that they're aware of my existence. Those dudes are my sports-journalism fucking heroes.
Tags are possible ways that I'll be celebrating. Thanks again to Buzz Bissinger for the "Interactive Gangbang" tag. It's a gift that really does keep on giving.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
This Is Why I'm Here...
Some blogs exist exclusively to tear up poor sports journalism. Some offer analysis or opinions. I try to do a little bit of these things... but when it all comes down to it, the real reason I'm here is to help spread the news when a former Japanese Import pitcher gets loaded up and actually managed to embarrass himself worse than when he pitched!
Yup, you guessed it. Hideki Irabu got arrested for mugging a bartender.
Irabu, 39, became angered after his credit card was rejected. He allegedly pushed the bartender against the wall, pulled his hair and smashed at least nine liquor bottles. The bartender sustained no injuries.
Apparently Irabu threw the bottles, thus explaining how none of them hit the bartender.
For what it's worth saying, if Irabu showed this much initiative in New York, Steinbrenner would never have called him a fat toad.
There's no word on whether the 20 mugs of beer Irabu chugged down are part of a comeback attempt on "The David Wells Diet."
Yup, you guessed it. Hideki Irabu got arrested for mugging a bartender.
Irabu, 39, became angered after his credit card was rejected. He allegedly pushed the bartender against the wall, pulled his hair and smashed at least nine liquor bottles. The bartender sustained no injuries.
Apparently Irabu threw the bottles, thus explaining how none of them hit the bartender.
For what it's worth saying, if Irabu showed this much initiative in New York, Steinbrenner would never have called him a fat toad.
There's no word on whether the 20 mugs of beer Irabu chugged down are part of a comeback attempt on "The David Wells Diet."
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Maybe He Did a Papel-Bong Hit...
Obviously I'm a Red Sox-hater. I should probably clarify my stance on 'The Rivalry' at some point anyway, so I'll just touch on it briefly here.
I'm not exactly a Sox-hater. I'm well-aware of the history of both of these teams. I love the game of baseball and pride myself on being somewhat knowledgeable about it. And some of the best conversations about the sport that I've ever had, have been with Red Sox fans.
Every team, especially the Sox and the Yankees, have their bandwagon fans. Those guys know nothing about the team, they're arrogant, they're cocky, and they make everybody look bad. That's probably 80+% of the people who claim to be Yankee fans, and at least 75% of the guys who have "membership cards to Red Sox Nation" and shit. I fucking hate bandwagon fans.
But on to the good stuff.
"My wife is pregnant and she's getting her life threatened. It's frigging stupid," Papelbon said during an expletive-laced session with reporters. "I feel like I needed to be in a bullet-proof car."
Shit man!! That's fucked up!! Did Jonathan Papelbon just visit Iraq to distribute kittens to the soldiers or something?
Ohhhh... he was at the parade in New York City yesterday!! Wait.. what? Umm... dude, your wife didn't get her life threatened. Stop exaggerating and stop being a stupid cunt. Your wife got boo'd. Are we really supposed to cry you a river about this?
Nobody rushed the vehicle. Nobody threw anything at you. This celebration wasn't NEARLY as raucous as the one that occurred after Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS, which is to say that while fans in BOSTON might feel it's necessary to kill someone as a means of celebration...
Yankee fans have a pretty good track record over the last 12 years, seeing as they watched their team win 4 World Championships... and didn't KILL anybody. So seriously dude, shut the fuck up. People are entitled to boo you. You're a tool.
"I don't really give a shit anymore," he said. "If I don't even fucking pitch, I don't care."
Just for the record... if Papelbon didn't fucking pitch, the AL probably wouldn't have needed 15 innings to win the game. Especially with Billy "We Are Gonna Need Extra Runs" Wagner on the hill for the NL.
I'm not exactly a Sox-hater. I'm well-aware of the history of both of these teams. I love the game of baseball and pride myself on being somewhat knowledgeable about it. And some of the best conversations about the sport that I've ever had, have been with Red Sox fans.
Every team, especially the Sox and the Yankees, have their bandwagon fans. Those guys know nothing about the team, they're arrogant, they're cocky, and they make everybody look bad. That's probably 80+% of the people who claim to be Yankee fans, and at least 75% of the guys who have "membership cards to Red Sox Nation" and shit. I fucking hate bandwagon fans.
But on to the good stuff.
"My wife is pregnant and she's getting her life threatened. It's frigging stupid," Papelbon said during an expletive-laced session with reporters. "I feel like I needed to be in a bullet-proof car."
Shit man!! That's fucked up!! Did Jonathan Papelbon just visit Iraq to distribute kittens to the soldiers or something?
Ohhhh... he was at the parade in New York City yesterday!! Wait.. what? Umm... dude, your wife didn't get her life threatened. Stop exaggerating and stop being a stupid cunt. Your wife got boo'd. Are we really supposed to cry you a river about this?
Nobody rushed the vehicle. Nobody threw anything at you. This celebration wasn't NEARLY as raucous as the one that occurred after Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS, which is to say that while fans in BOSTON might feel it's necessary to kill someone as a means of celebration...
Yankee fans have a pretty good track record over the last 12 years, seeing as they watched their team win 4 World Championships... and didn't KILL anybody. So seriously dude, shut the fuck up. People are entitled to boo you. You're a tool.
"I don't really give a shit anymore," he said. "If I don't even fucking pitch, I don't care."
Just for the record... if Papelbon didn't fucking pitch, the AL probably wouldn't have needed 15 innings to win the game. Especially with Billy "We Are Gonna Need Extra Runs" Wagner on the hill for the NL.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
It's Cohn-Sketball!!
What would I do without the Cohns? Probably the same thing I'd do without Bill Simmons or Dusty Baker. Or Jerry Manuel. What's that, you ask? Probably beat myself about the head with a baltine hammer. I might even turn to auto-erotic asphyxiation as a means of entertaining myself. You really never know.
Luckily, we don't have to find out because Iggy and Lowell are talking about the Golden State Warriors' selection of Anthony Randolph with the 14th pick in the Draft.
Lowell says: I don't like the Warriors' first pick, this Anthony Randolph.
I trust you have a very good reason for this Lowell, because you are a credible, intelligent and award-winning writer for the San Francisco Press Democrat.
He has potential written all over him,
Yeah, I know there's more to the sentence. But isn't this a good enough reason for Lowell Cohn to hate the pick? Alright, alright, here's the rest of the sentence.
which means he will, he might, deliver in some nebulous future but he ain't gonna deliver nothing now.
The sentence structure of "which means he will, he might, deliver" makes almost no sense to me. Moreso, the fact that he has "potential written all over him" is still construed to be a bad thing. The Warriors would have been much better off drafting Wilt Chamberlain's dead body, since it has no potential whatsoever.
Maybe general manager Chris Mullin will surprise us. Maybe he'll trade for a monster big man, the man who could anchor this scrappy entertaining midget team.
Lowell talks about Don Nelson in the article, but obviously he knows nothing about Don Nelson. Don Nelson benches Andris Biedrins because he WANTS to play small. Don Nelson has ALWAYS played small. Don Nelson is secretly afraid of anybody who stands taller than 6'9" because he thinks they're giant cyborgs who were sent back from the future to steal all of our Sweet 'n Low.
Until then, all I see is Randolph, a shrimp in a big man's body.
So you mean... exactly the kind of guy that Don Nelson will play. Yeah, terrible pick.
Iggy Says: Mullin wanted Kevin Garnett last year, but he couldn't close the deal. Since then, he's decided his team absolutely needs an athletic forward who can create match-up problems - i.e another Garnett.
No Iggy. Amazingly, you're also wrong. Nobody envisions Randolph turning into The Big Ticket. Nobody but you. Which is to reiterate, nobody. They're looking for an athletic guy who can run the floor and play an up-tempo game. They probably expect him to use his size and wing-span to defend and block some shots. I highly doubt they're expecting a guy who dropped to 14 to develop into one of the game's top 10 greatest power forwards in history.
So he's drafted big guy after big guy in hopes that one of these toothpicks "puts on weight" and becomes that player for him.
And again, putting on a little muscle, sure. But Iggy's describing it like Randolph is supposed to gain 100 lbs and ask Kobe how his ass taste.
Lowell replies: I can't believe you used the phrase "upside" and ipso facto -- what's up with that?
Tryin' to be a real sports journalist like my dear old dad!! Yeahhhh!!! By the way, I'm pretty sure Mel Kipper is in the process of suing everybody who's uttered the phrase "upside" without his express written consent. He trademarked that shit about 27 years ago.
Luckily, we don't have to find out because Iggy and Lowell are talking about the Golden State Warriors' selection of Anthony Randolph with the 14th pick in the Draft.
Lowell says: I don't like the Warriors' first pick, this Anthony Randolph.
I trust you have a very good reason for this Lowell, because you are a credible, intelligent and award-winning writer for the San Francisco Press Democrat.
He has potential written all over him,
Yeah, I know there's more to the sentence. But isn't this a good enough reason for Lowell Cohn to hate the pick? Alright, alright, here's the rest of the sentence.
which means he will, he might, deliver in some nebulous future but he ain't gonna deliver nothing now.
The sentence structure of "which means he will, he might, deliver" makes almost no sense to me. Moreso, the fact that he has "potential written all over him" is still construed to be a bad thing. The Warriors would have been much better off drafting Wilt Chamberlain's dead body, since it has no potential whatsoever.
Maybe general manager Chris Mullin will surprise us. Maybe he'll trade for a monster big man, the man who could anchor this scrappy entertaining midget team.
Lowell talks about Don Nelson in the article, but obviously he knows nothing about Don Nelson. Don Nelson benches Andris Biedrins because he WANTS to play small. Don Nelson has ALWAYS played small. Don Nelson is secretly afraid of anybody who stands taller than 6'9" because he thinks they're giant cyborgs who were sent back from the future to steal all of our Sweet 'n Low.
Until then, all I see is Randolph, a shrimp in a big man's body.
So you mean... exactly the kind of guy that Don Nelson will play. Yeah, terrible pick.
Iggy Says: Mullin wanted Kevin Garnett last year, but he couldn't close the deal. Since then, he's decided his team absolutely needs an athletic forward who can create match-up problems - i.e another Garnett.
No Iggy. Amazingly, you're also wrong. Nobody envisions Randolph turning into The Big Ticket. Nobody but you. Which is to reiterate, nobody. They're looking for an athletic guy who can run the floor and play an up-tempo game. They probably expect him to use his size and wing-span to defend and block some shots. I highly doubt they're expecting a guy who dropped to 14 to develop into one of the game's top 10 greatest power forwards in history.
So he's drafted big guy after big guy in hopes that one of these toothpicks "puts on weight" and becomes that player for him.
And again, putting on a little muscle, sure. But Iggy's describing it like Randolph is supposed to gain 100 lbs and ask Kobe how his ass taste.
Lowell replies: I can't believe you used the phrase "upside" and ipso facto -- what's up with that?
Tryin' to be a real sports journalist like my dear old dad!! Yeahhhh!!! By the way, I'm pretty sure Mel Kipper is in the process of suing everybody who's uttered the phrase "upside" without his express written consent. He trademarked that shit about 27 years ago.
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