What would I do without the Cohns? Probably the same thing I'd do without Bill Simmons or Dusty Baker. Or Jerry Manuel. What's that, you ask? Probably beat myself about the head with a baltine hammer. I might even turn to auto-erotic asphyxiation as a means of entertaining myself. You really never know.
Luckily, we don't have to find out because Iggy and Lowell are talking about the Golden State Warriors' selection of Anthony Randolph with the 14th pick in the Draft.
Lowell says: I don't like the Warriors' first pick, this Anthony Randolph.
I trust you have a very good reason for this Lowell, because you are a credible, intelligent and award-winning writer for the San Francisco Press Democrat.
He has potential written all over him,
Yeah, I know there's more to the sentence. But isn't this a good enough reason for Lowell Cohn to hate the pick? Alright, alright, here's the rest of the sentence.
which means he will, he might, deliver in some nebulous future but he ain't gonna deliver nothing now.
The sentence structure of "which means he will, he might, deliver" makes almost no sense to me. Moreso, the fact that he has "potential written all over him" is still construed to be a bad thing. The Warriors would have been much better off drafting Wilt Chamberlain's dead body, since it has no potential whatsoever.
Maybe general manager Chris Mullin will surprise us. Maybe he'll trade for a monster big man, the man who could anchor this scrappy entertaining midget team.
Lowell talks about Don Nelson in the article, but obviously he knows nothing about Don Nelson. Don Nelson benches Andris Biedrins because he WANTS to play small. Don Nelson has ALWAYS played small. Don Nelson is secretly afraid of anybody who stands taller than 6'9" because he thinks they're giant cyborgs who were sent back from the future to steal all of our Sweet 'n Low.
Until then, all I see is Randolph, a shrimp in a big man's body.
So you mean... exactly the kind of guy that Don Nelson will play. Yeah, terrible pick.
Iggy Says: Mullin wanted Kevin Garnett last year, but he couldn't close the deal. Since then, he's decided his team absolutely needs an athletic forward who can create match-up problems - i.e another Garnett.
No Iggy. Amazingly, you're also wrong. Nobody envisions Randolph turning into The Big Ticket. Nobody but you. Which is to reiterate, nobody. They're looking for an athletic guy who can run the floor and play an up-tempo game. They probably expect him to use his size and wing-span to defend and block some shots. I highly doubt they're expecting a guy who dropped to 14 to develop into one of the game's top 10 greatest power forwards in history.
So he's drafted big guy after big guy in hopes that one of these toothpicks "puts on weight" and becomes that player for him.
And again, putting on a little muscle, sure. But Iggy's describing it like Randolph is supposed to gain 100 lbs and ask Kobe how his ass taste.
Lowell replies: I can't believe you used the phrase "upside" and ipso facto -- what's up with that?
Tryin' to be a real sports journalist like my dear old dad!! Yeahhhh!!! By the way, I'm pretty sure Mel Kipper is in the process of suing everybody who's uttered the phrase "upside" without his express written consent. He trademarked that shit about 27 years ago.
Showing posts with label Iggy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Iggy. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
The Blowing Cohns Update!!!!!
Some of you might remember the following from my May 27th post.
Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing! (Yup, that was Iggy Cohn's statement)
I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks. I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.
(And that was my response to the assertion that Zito would morph into Sandy Koufax because Iggy's dad called him a bum.)
So that was three weeks ago... lets find out how Zito's done under the immense pressure of trying to be responsible for making me give head to strangers.
5/29 vs. AZ - 6 IP, 6 H, 3 ER, 3 BB, 5 K's and a no decision. Not bad, a quality start, maybe he's turning it around... I'm nervous...
6/3 vs. Los Mets - 4.1 IP, 7 H, 5 ER, 5 BB, 1 K and a loss. Okay, he was allowed 1 loss. We're not out of the woods yet.
6/8 vs. The Nats - 5 IP, 7 H, 3 ER, 4 BB, 2 K's and a win. This can't happen, can it? This was a really cheap win... can he really win 14 in a row like this? That would be my luck.
6/13 vs. Oak - 5.2 IP, 6 H, 4 ER, 4 BB, 3 K's and a loss! Sort of fitting that the A's would be the team to save me from losing my oral virginity to a couple of short, pale Jewish men. Billy Beane, your crazy moneyball computer baseball simulations shall be forever welcome in my life! I'll even pretend to believe that you didn't write Moneyball!!! And I just might name my first-born child after Jack Cust. Especially if it's a girl.
So there you have it. If you're a sports journalist, and you make crazy predictions, bloggers will threaten to fly to your city and give you hummers. I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson from this... especially you, John Kruk.
Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing! (Yup, that was Iggy Cohn's statement)
I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks. I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.
(And that was my response to the assertion that Zito would morph into Sandy Koufax because Iggy's dad called him a bum.)
So that was three weeks ago... lets find out how Zito's done under the immense pressure of trying to be responsible for making me give head to strangers.
5/29 vs. AZ - 6 IP, 6 H, 3 ER, 3 BB, 5 K's and a no decision. Not bad, a quality start, maybe he's turning it around... I'm nervous...
6/3 vs. Los Mets - 4.1 IP, 7 H, 5 ER, 5 BB, 1 K and a loss. Okay, he was allowed 1 loss. We're not out of the woods yet.
6/8 vs. The Nats - 5 IP, 7 H, 3 ER, 4 BB, 2 K's and a win. This can't happen, can it? This was a really cheap win... can he really win 14 in a row like this? That would be my luck.
6/13 vs. Oak - 5.2 IP, 6 H, 4 ER, 4 BB, 3 K's and a loss! Sort of fitting that the A's would be the team to save me from losing my oral virginity to a couple of short, pale Jewish men. Billy Beane, your crazy moneyball computer baseball simulations shall be forever welcome in my life! I'll even pretend to believe that you didn't write Moneyball!!! And I just might name my first-born child after Jack Cust. Especially if it's a girl.
So there you have it. If you're a sports journalist, and you make crazy predictions, bloggers will threaten to fly to your city and give you hummers. I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson from this... especially you, John Kruk.
Monday, June 9, 2008
New Name, Same Stupid Fucking Dopes
Iggy and Lowell Cohn are at it again... but not for Cohn vs. Cohn. Nope, that's gone. Now it's the Cohn Zone. Apparently, one of the fucking nerds in the IT department at The Press Democrat took care of that complex blog-name-nerd-nerd-nerd-changing stuff for Iggy and Lowell.
Here you'll find a fascinating argument on who belongs in the Hall of Fame and who doesn't. And by "fascinating" I do mean that reading this article without proper sunglasses could cause no less than 200 of your brain cells to commit suicide. Like emo kids.
ABSOLUTE LOCKS FOR THE HALL, NO DISCUSSION NEEDED: Tom Glavine, Ken Griffey, Jr., Trevor Hoffman, Derek Jeter, Randy Johnson, Greg Maddux, Mariano Rivera, Alex Rodriguez, Ivan Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, John Smoltz
Ivan Rodriguez? Really? Didn't he take some illegal pillsy stuff and mysteriously lose 30 pounds and all his muscles by "not eating junk food"? And Smoltz is no discussion needed? Did I miss like 100 wins in his career? Or did 200 wins and 150 saves become like the new 300 wins? Smoltz probably deserves to go... but... no discussion needed? Fuck you Iggy. And fuck you Lowell.
ABSOLUTE NOS, NO DISCUSSION NEEDED ON THESE GOOD, BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH PLAYERS: Luis Gonzalez, Mike Mussina, Andy Pettitte, Billy Wagner
Umm... no to Mussina and yes to Smoltz? Both without discussion? Smoltz and Mussina are actually pretty similar statistically. Here are the differences.
Mussina has won 49 (and counting) more games.
Smoltz has been in the big leagues for 2 years longer.
Smoltz closed for 4 years because he was too injury-proned to start, and racked up 154 saves.
Personally, I think Mussina's been the better pitcher, but I can understand opinions in either direction. To say that one is a LOCK for the Hall... and the other is OUT is complete fucking insanity. It keeps getting more crazy...
Ichiro: We know, he hasn't played enough games. But come on, this guy is great and belongs in the Hall.
I have to disagree here. Ichiro has 1668 hits in his career to date. 81% (1352) of them have been singles. And his 81% rate of success on stolen bases, means that his base-stealing barely compensates for the number of outs he gives away by getting caught. His career OPS (.811) ranks him 65th among active players between Mike Lowell and Carlos Guillen.
He's probably the second-best leadoff man of all time behind Ricky Henderson, and he's the best center fielder and/or right fielder in baseball.
I'm not going to argue for or against defense. It's value and quality are near-impossible to validate with statistics, although I'm certain he's not the best CF or RF in baseball.
I'm more concerned with "second-best leadoff man of all time." Ty Cobb batted leadoff, didn't he? With his career .366 average and .434 OBP? I'd take Tim Raines over Ichiro. Kenny Lofton. Point is... this arguement is fucking stupid. He's not the 2nd-best leadoff man of all time. He's not the second-best leadoff man of NOW. He's a good player, not a Hall of Famer.
Lowell's argument against Chipper Jones: Everyone says how he ranks as a switch hitter. But he's no Mickey Mantle. Now, that was a great switch hitter with a ton more power than Chipper, and with over 130 more home runs.
There you have it. The argument against Chipper Jones is: "He's not Mickey Mantle." That's funny, because when Mantle was up for the HOF, the argument against him was, "He's not a Third Baseman."
Here's why Jones will go: He's only 36, which means he has plenty of time to reach 500 homers and 500 doubles, and his career .310/.407/.550 (OPS+ 145) is out-fucking-standing.
Jeff Kent: Iggy and Lowell agree on Kent and what they agree on is NO in capital letters.
Hey Iggy and Lowell. You said no in capital letters by writing "NO." Saying NO (in capital letters) and following it with "in capital letters" is redundant. And stupid. We're reading this. We can see that you've capitalized the word no.
And again, why doesn't Jeff Kent get in? Name 5 second basemen who've hit 350+ homers, 500+ doubles, driven in almost 1500 RBIs and OPS+'d 123? What? You can't? Because second basemen don't hit like that?
He played second base so he could accumulate great offensive numbers for a second baseman. He should have been a third or first baseman.
Because he's the one who signs himself to a contract and pencils himself into the lineup every day at second base. Lets punish him. I'll be the first to say that Jeff Kent seems like a douche bag, but to penalize one of the best offensive second basemen of all time... because you think he should have played third? Sorta backward-assed.
Frank Thomas: Lowell says yes and Iggy says no.
Igglethorpe Masterson Cohn! Did your father drop you on your head as a child? How the fuck can you possibly argue against The Big Hurt!? I realize he's not Babe Ruth, but come on.
Iggy's argument anti Frank Thomas: Yes, he has great hitting numbers. Yes, he has two MVPs. But those awards came all the way back in 93 and 94. Thomas was a five-time All Star, but each of those appearances came between 93 and 97.
Iggy's argument against Frank Thomas is that he hasn't been the most absolutely ridiculously dominant hitter in all of baseball since 1997. Hey Iggy, that's because Big Frank had some injury problems. He's still hit 520 homers and 493 doubles and OPS'd almost 1.000 for his career.
Not to mention that from 1991 to 1997 he OPS'd six hundred thousand. I haven't checked the stats, because I'm certain it's about six hundred thousand. He was, by far, the most dominant first baseman of his era. And even now, he can still rake when he's healthy.
Jim Thome: Worth considering, but no cigar.
Haha! No cigar!! No soup for you!!!! Fuck Jim Thome and his 148 OPS+ career.
Those 500-plus homers are impressive, but he's a .280 hitter.
Other shitty, unimpressive hitters with batting averages around .280: Willie Stargell (.282), Willie McCovey (.270), Mike Schmidt (.267), Harmon Killebrew (.256), Eddie Matthews (.271), Ernie Banks (.274), Reggie Jackson (.262). Know what else all these shitheads have in common? They're all Hall of Famers.
Some players you absolutely have to wait around when they come to bat. With Thome, you could go grab a Coke.
You mean because Thome was busy drawing walks and posting a career .407 OBP? Ranking him 43rd in the entire history of the game of baseball? You're right. Fuck Jim Thome.
Here you'll find a fascinating argument on who belongs in the Hall of Fame and who doesn't. And by "fascinating" I do mean that reading this article without proper sunglasses could cause no less than 200 of your brain cells to commit suicide. Like emo kids.
ABSOLUTE LOCKS FOR THE HALL, NO DISCUSSION NEEDED: Tom Glavine, Ken Griffey, Jr., Trevor Hoffman, Derek Jeter, Randy Johnson, Greg Maddux, Mariano Rivera, Alex Rodriguez, Ivan Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, John Smoltz
Ivan Rodriguez? Really? Didn't he take some illegal pillsy stuff and mysteriously lose 30 pounds and all his muscles by "not eating junk food"? And Smoltz is no discussion needed? Did I miss like 100 wins in his career? Or did 200 wins and 150 saves become like the new 300 wins? Smoltz probably deserves to go... but... no discussion needed? Fuck you Iggy. And fuck you Lowell.
ABSOLUTE NOS, NO DISCUSSION NEEDED ON THESE GOOD, BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH PLAYERS: Luis Gonzalez, Mike Mussina, Andy Pettitte, Billy Wagner
Umm... no to Mussina and yes to Smoltz? Both without discussion? Smoltz and Mussina are actually pretty similar statistically. Here are the differences.
Mussina has won 49 (and counting) more games.
Smoltz has been in the big leagues for 2 years longer.
Smoltz closed for 4 years because he was too injury-proned to start, and racked up 154 saves.
Personally, I think Mussina's been the better pitcher, but I can understand opinions in either direction. To say that one is a LOCK for the Hall... and the other is OUT is complete fucking insanity. It keeps getting more crazy...
Ichiro: We know, he hasn't played enough games. But come on, this guy is great and belongs in the Hall.
I have to disagree here. Ichiro has 1668 hits in his career to date. 81% (1352) of them have been singles. And his 81% rate of success on stolen bases, means that his base-stealing barely compensates for the number of outs he gives away by getting caught. His career OPS (.811) ranks him 65th among active players between Mike Lowell and Carlos Guillen.
He's probably the second-best leadoff man of all time behind Ricky Henderson, and he's the best center fielder and/or right fielder in baseball.
I'm not going to argue for or against defense. It's value and quality are near-impossible to validate with statistics, although I'm certain he's not the best CF or RF in baseball.
I'm more concerned with "second-best leadoff man of all time." Ty Cobb batted leadoff, didn't he? With his career .366 average and .434 OBP? I'd take Tim Raines over Ichiro. Kenny Lofton. Point is... this arguement is fucking stupid. He's not the 2nd-best leadoff man of all time. He's not the second-best leadoff man of NOW. He's a good player, not a Hall of Famer.
Lowell's argument against Chipper Jones: Everyone says how he ranks as a switch hitter. But he's no Mickey Mantle. Now, that was a great switch hitter with a ton more power than Chipper, and with over 130 more home runs.
There you have it. The argument against Chipper Jones is: "He's not Mickey Mantle." That's funny, because when Mantle was up for the HOF, the argument against him was, "He's not a Third Baseman."
Here's why Jones will go: He's only 36, which means he has plenty of time to reach 500 homers and 500 doubles, and his career .310/.407/.550 (OPS+ 145) is out-fucking-standing.
Jeff Kent: Iggy and Lowell agree on Kent and what they agree on is NO in capital letters.
Hey Iggy and Lowell. You said no in capital letters by writing "NO." Saying NO (in capital letters) and following it with "in capital letters" is redundant. And stupid. We're reading this. We can see that you've capitalized the word no.
And again, why doesn't Jeff Kent get in? Name 5 second basemen who've hit 350+ homers, 500+ doubles, driven in almost 1500 RBIs and OPS+'d 123? What? You can't? Because second basemen don't hit like that?
He played second base so he could accumulate great offensive numbers for a second baseman. He should have been a third or first baseman.
Because he's the one who signs himself to a contract and pencils himself into the lineup every day at second base. Lets punish him. I'll be the first to say that Jeff Kent seems like a douche bag, but to penalize one of the best offensive second basemen of all time... because you think he should have played third? Sorta backward-assed.
Frank Thomas: Lowell says yes and Iggy says no.
Igglethorpe Masterson Cohn! Did your father drop you on your head as a child? How the fuck can you possibly argue against The Big Hurt!? I realize he's not Babe Ruth, but come on.
Iggy's argument anti Frank Thomas: Yes, he has great hitting numbers. Yes, he has two MVPs. But those awards came all the way back in 93 and 94. Thomas was a five-time All Star, but each of those appearances came between 93 and 97.
Iggy's argument against Frank Thomas is that he hasn't been the most absolutely ridiculously dominant hitter in all of baseball since 1997. Hey Iggy, that's because Big Frank had some injury problems. He's still hit 520 homers and 493 doubles and OPS'd almost 1.000 for his career.
Not to mention that from 1991 to 1997 he OPS'd six hundred thousand. I haven't checked the stats, because I'm certain it's about six hundred thousand. He was, by far, the most dominant first baseman of his era. And even now, he can still rake when he's healthy.
Jim Thome: Worth considering, but no cigar.
Haha! No cigar!! No soup for you!!!! Fuck Jim Thome and his 148 OPS+ career.
Those 500-plus homers are impressive, but he's a .280 hitter.
Other shitty, unimpressive hitters with batting averages around .280: Willie Stargell (.282), Willie McCovey (.270), Mike Schmidt (.267), Harmon Killebrew (.256), Eddie Matthews (.271), Ernie Banks (.274), Reggie Jackson (.262). Know what else all these shitheads have in common? They're all Hall of Famers.
Some players you absolutely have to wait around when they come to bat. With Thome, you could go grab a Coke.
You mean because Thome was busy drawing walks and posting a career .407 OBP? Ranking him 43rd in the entire history of the game of baseball? You're right. Fuck Jim Thome.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I Just Love Those Crazy Cohns!!!
I can't help it. I love Lowell and Iggy Cohn. Thank you FJM, thank you SO MUCH for introducing me to them!! Today, Iggy suggests that Lowell has MIND BULLETS! THAT'S FUCKING TELEKINESIS KYLE!!!!!!!
Okay, it's not mind bullets. But it's the ability to make Frank Thomas hit a baseball by suggesting that the Oakland A's cut him. And that's just as good. Here's the article.
The A's should dump Thomas for Bonds. My dad and I have been pushing this idea for weeks. Unfortunately, my dad chose to formally write it up the day Thomas went three for four with two home runs and three RBI. Talk about bad timing.
It's not bad timing Iggy! It's not! Do not mistake coincidence for providence! Morpheus said that in The Matrix so it must be true. There is no coincidence! The Big Hurt hit because your dad talked smack about him!!!
No doubt A's fans think my dad is a hack and maybe worse things.
Why would anybody think that? Could it have something to do with the fact that you guys write like a couple of drunken circus freaks?!
But I'm his son and his business partner, and for fear of being cut out of the will I'm going to defend him.
So basically, you're agreeing that your dad's a hack? You're a real shithead Iggy.
Beane stresses stats over chemistry, Bonds is the epitome of stats over chemistry, Beane should sign Bonds.
I guess that depends on what kind of 'chemistry' you're talking about. From what I hear, Bonds has worked with some great chemists in his day. Maybe Bonds is the epitome of stats-because-of-chemistry.
Furthermore, the implications that syllogism raises due to the fact that Beane hasn't signed Bonds are interesting. Should we believe the things Beane says? Is his money ball doctrine more a construct of Michael Lewis than the boy genius himself? Thought provoking questions, to say the least.
If Beane signs Bonds, then Beane is a jerkface asshole who cares more about stats than people and hearts and flowers and starving children in Guatemala. If Beane doesn't sign Barroid, then Moneyball is a figment of our imaginations and Billy Einstein is a phony, and his team is actually run by the computer from the movie War Games! Hey Iggy, you're a San Fran fan. Who wins more? The Giants? Or that douchebag phony Billy Beane and his A's? Okay, so shut the fuck up.
Blah blah blah for the next 9 paragraphs of witty anecdote about how impressed people are that Iggy is, in fact, the son of Lowell Cohn, except that nobody seems to like Lowell at all, because even in San Francisco, everybody thinks he's a terrible hack.
Then we get to the goods!! THE ABILITY TO KILL A YAK FROM... wait... I already linked the Wonderboy video...
Iggy lists off how because Dad wrote negative shit about Mike Nolan, Barry Zito and Al Davis that the following will happen.
Nolan will lead the 49ers to the playoffs and win coach of the year.
I guess this could happen without voodoo magic. The 49ers don't totally suck. They were 5-11 last year, but they ARE in a Division with Seattle, St. Louis and Arizona and somebody has to win that thing, right?
Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing!
I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks.
I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.
The Raiders will win the Super Bowl in 2008, Al Davis will win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Fire Lane Kiffin and live to 112.
Okay, so this one will probably happen. Right after this does...
Okay, it's not mind bullets. But it's the ability to make Frank Thomas hit a baseball by suggesting that the Oakland A's cut him. And that's just as good. Here's the article.
The A's should dump Thomas for Bonds. My dad and I have been pushing this idea for weeks. Unfortunately, my dad chose to formally write it up the day Thomas went three for four with two home runs and three RBI. Talk about bad timing.
It's not bad timing Iggy! It's not! Do not mistake coincidence for providence! Morpheus said that in The Matrix so it must be true. There is no coincidence! The Big Hurt hit because your dad talked smack about him!!!
No doubt A's fans think my dad is a hack and maybe worse things.
Why would anybody think that? Could it have something to do with the fact that you guys write like a couple of drunken circus freaks?!
But I'm his son and his business partner, and for fear of being cut out of the will I'm going to defend him.
So basically, you're agreeing that your dad's a hack? You're a real shithead Iggy.
Beane stresses stats over chemistry, Bonds is the epitome of stats over chemistry, Beane should sign Bonds.
I guess that depends on what kind of 'chemistry' you're talking about. From what I hear, Bonds has worked with some great chemists in his day. Maybe Bonds is the epitome of stats-because-of-chemistry.
Furthermore, the implications that syllogism raises due to the fact that Beane hasn't signed Bonds are interesting. Should we believe the things Beane says? Is his money ball doctrine more a construct of Michael Lewis than the boy genius himself? Thought provoking questions, to say the least.
If Beane signs Bonds, then Beane is a jerkface asshole who cares more about stats than people and hearts and flowers and starving children in Guatemala. If Beane doesn't sign Barroid, then Moneyball is a figment of our imaginations and Billy Einstein is a phony, and his team is actually run by the computer from the movie War Games! Hey Iggy, you're a San Fran fan. Who wins more? The Giants? Or that douchebag phony Billy Beane and his A's? Okay, so shut the fuck up.
Blah blah blah for the next 9 paragraphs of witty anecdote about how impressed people are that Iggy is, in fact, the son of Lowell Cohn, except that nobody seems to like Lowell at all, because even in San Francisco, everybody thinks he's a terrible hack.
Then we get to the goods!! THE ABILITY TO KILL A YAK FROM... wait... I already linked the Wonderboy video...
Iggy lists off how because Dad wrote negative shit about Mike Nolan, Barry Zito and Al Davis that the following will happen.
Nolan will lead the 49ers to the playoffs and win coach of the year.
I guess this could happen without voodoo magic. The 49ers don't totally suck. They were 5-11 last year, but they ARE in a Division with Seattle, St. Louis and Arizona and somebody has to win that thing, right?
Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing!
I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks.
I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.
The Raiders will win the Super Bowl in 2008, Al Davis will win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Fire Lane Kiffin and live to 112.
Okay, so this one will probably happen. Right after this does...
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Father & Son Dumb-Fuckery!!
I owe FireJoeMorgan.com so much. I really do. If I ever get big and make money and have hot chicks in tiny bikinis tossing poon tang at me like my last name was Baldwin, I'm going to have to Fed-Ex my sloppy seconds to Ken Tremendous or something. I'm not even joking. I'm not stealing any of their jokes today, just taking advantage of some guys they enlightened me to.
Lowell and Iggy Cohn... the highly decorated, award-winning and extremely crusty Press Democrat Columnist and his wise-ass, sabermetric-hating bastard traitor of a college-age son Iggy. In the battle of the generations, who will win?!
Here's a hint.... NOBODY!!!! Because they always fucking agree in these columns.
Iggy and Lowell ask if the Giants are a better team without Barry Bonds. Iggy and Lowell say, yes, the Giants definitely are a better team without Bonds.
How much of a "better team" are the Giants are without Barry Bonds? Well, by "better team", do you mean "completely and utterly fucked team that's sure to finish dead last?" Then yeah, they're a much better team.
We understand some will disagree, especially baseball fans who relate to the game through numbers and not personalities. Bonds allegedly would put up good numbers for the Giants this year. Even if that's true - and it's not certain Bonds can hit anymore -- Iggy and Lowell don't care. They say ixnay on Bonds.
Yeah, fuck numbers. I still believe that if you could clone David Dellucci, your team would win 700 games a year. I realize that no team plays 700 games a year, but I think that other teams within a 300 mile radius of all that grit and hustle would win more games through osmosis. The bottom line here is that Bonds would allegedly OPS over 1.000 again which is allegedly better than what 99.99999% of other baseball players in the universe are allegedly capable of doing. Allegedly. Fuck Bonds and his numbers. Fuck him in his snobby, snarky, unfriendly ass with his VORP and WHIP and EQA and DERA and whatever other computery numbery acronyms you've got!! Nerds!!
2B: RAY DURHAM. There is no way the Giants play anyone besides Durham if Bonds is on the team. No Eugenio Velez, no Kevin Frandsen even if he were healthy. They'd be stuck with Durham because they'd be trying to win now with veterans - I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true.
By golly gosh Lowell! That DOES sound ridiculous! Because it's complete and utter bullshit!!! Especially when Kevin Frandsen got into 109 games last year with Bonds (and none this year without him) and posted a shitty .269/.331/.379 with 5 homers and 31 RBI in 264 at bats!
And Eugenio Velez, who's playing this year, has been good for .212/.250/.331, no typo there. His OBP is .250. And he's 26. So is Frandsen.
Shitty old Ray Durham, who you'd be stuck with because of Barroids, has been good for .264/.347/.379, which isn't amazing, but looks like a Pujols line when compared to Eugenio Velez!!!
CF: Dave Roberts, who is not currently a factor. OK, so it would be Randy Winn. Center field is the key test of the To-Bonds-Or-Not-To-Bonds issue. Would the Giants have gone for Aaron Rowand, a terrific player, if they had re-signed Bonds? No way. They pay Rowand $60 million over five years.
So the Giants don't waste $12 million a year on Aaron Rowand? Why don't we see what you think of that contract after a couple more years of Rowand running into fucking walls to save 5 runs a season. And even with that said, Rowand's having the best start of his career, and his OPS is .937. That's only 108 points worse than what Bonds did last year.
The Giants pay their team a little more than $76 million. How much would Bonds cost? I don't believe for a second Peter Magowan would pay for both Bonds and Rowand on a team that would not make the playoffs anyway. Bonds would rule out Rowand, and that would be sad. Why? Assume Bonds can hit better than Rowand - an assumption, not a certainty. Rowand still hits very well and he's a much better fielder and, get this, he's a team player. He's exactly the kind of player any team wants in center field - he's someone you can build around.
How much would Bonds cost? Umm... basically free at this point. He wants to play. He says he'd come very cheap if anybody would ask him. We don't have to assume that Bonds will hit better than Rowand... because we use numbers to evaluate players performance instead of their personalities.
Numbers say the following:
Bonds : Rowand :: Durham : Eugenio Velez
Others things that numbers say:
Bonds : Rowand :: A-Rod : Jeter
Rowand : Walls :: Ted Kennedy : Lakes
Ted Kennedy : Rowand :: Something : Something else unrelated to the first something
This joke : Not funny anymore :: Bill Clinton : Masturbating furiously as we speak
Okay, maybe numbers don't say all of that, but you get the picture. The last piece of this argument is the "team player" shit. Let me just run over to baseballreference.com and check out Aaron Rowands WONTP stat... you know, Wins Over a Non-Team Player. While I'm there, I'll check his VOAH (Value Over Adolf Hitler.) Oh.. that's right, these stats don't FUCKING EXIST, because it makes no fucking difference whether or not you're a team player.
The 1978 Yankees fucking hated each other. The coach and the cleanup hitter were getting in fistfights. Billy Martin was pulling lineups out of his fucking hat. And they won the World Series.
Is the without-Bonds team better? Yes, marginally. It's younger. Bruce Bochy gets to develop Velez. At least Lewis can run after balls in left field as opposed to Bonds who stood there like a statue. Lewis is developing into a pretty good hitter.
You can go look if you want. Trust me, the without-Bonds team isn't better. It's littered with 26-year old non-prospects with .250 OBPs like Velez, who might one day develop into a 30 year old with a .280 OBP. Fred Lewis is developing into a slightly above average major league hitter and he can run after fly balls!!! Yayyyyyy Fred Lewis!!!! The without-Bonds team won't win more than 70 games. Ever. Unless it gets some serious help.
The real issue is why another team doesn't sign Bonds. The A's come to mind. Some teams could use him - could put up with him - as the last piece in a playoff team.
Umm... The A's are rebuilding. They're not "one piece away" from anything. Their GM has a PLAN (that involves numbers)... so they're still able to play competitive baseball while they rebuild, but they're not one piece away from the playoffs. What the fuck are you talking about?
Note to readers: As you notice Iggy and Lowell have not been arguing with each other the past few weeks. We like each other. We are thinking of changing the name for this blog from Cohn vs. Cohn to the Cohn Zohn. The Cohn Zohn has been suggested by one of our faithful readers. We still could dispute a topic in the Cohn Zohn - we'd let readers know this was an argument, etc. We would make the change to the Cohn Zohn but don't actually know how to do it. Stay tuned.
Awwwww that's so sweet! Iggy and Lowell love each other!! And they're going to change the name of the blog to "The Cohn Zohn!!!" Oh, I'm so excited!! But let me get this straight... Iggy Cohn, the witty, wise-guy, smarty-smart college-age son doesn't know how to change the NAME of a FUCKING BLOG!? Are these people Amish? Ahhhh... I see what's going on here.
Iggy is college-age. He's not actually enrolled in a college though. My guess is that Iggy is actually living abroad, building wells to provide clean water to people in Third World Nations! Iggy has never actually SEEN a baseball game, because he's wayyyy too busy with his humanitarian projects, but he does make time to talk to his dad, Lowell every now and again, and his father is obsessed with this Baseball thing, so Iggy just listens and agrees with whatever his pop says. Pop is so proud of Iggy's work. And Iggy loves pop's blog too. Even though he has no idea what a fucking tool he looks like in it.
Lowell and Iggy Cohn... the highly decorated, award-winning and extremely crusty Press Democrat Columnist and his wise-ass, sabermetric-hating bastard traitor of a college-age son Iggy. In the battle of the generations, who will win?!
Here's a hint.... NOBODY!!!! Because they always fucking agree in these columns.
Iggy and Lowell ask if the Giants are a better team without Barry Bonds. Iggy and Lowell say, yes, the Giants definitely are a better team without Bonds.
How much of a "better team" are the Giants are without Barry Bonds? Well, by "better team", do you mean "completely and utterly fucked team that's sure to finish dead last?" Then yeah, they're a much better team.
We understand some will disagree, especially baseball fans who relate to the game through numbers and not personalities. Bonds allegedly would put up good numbers for the Giants this year. Even if that's true - and it's not certain Bonds can hit anymore -- Iggy and Lowell don't care. They say ixnay on Bonds.
Yeah, fuck numbers. I still believe that if you could clone David Dellucci, your team would win 700 games a year. I realize that no team plays 700 games a year, but I think that other teams within a 300 mile radius of all that grit and hustle would win more games through osmosis. The bottom line here is that Bonds would allegedly OPS over 1.000 again which is allegedly better than what 99.99999% of other baseball players in the universe are allegedly capable of doing. Allegedly. Fuck Bonds and his numbers. Fuck him in his snobby, snarky, unfriendly ass with his VORP and WHIP and EQA and DERA and whatever other computery numbery acronyms you've got!! Nerds!!
2B: RAY DURHAM. There is no way the Giants play anyone besides Durham if Bonds is on the team. No Eugenio Velez, no Kevin Frandsen even if he were healthy. They'd be stuck with Durham because they'd be trying to win now with veterans - I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true.
By golly gosh Lowell! That DOES sound ridiculous! Because it's complete and utter bullshit!!! Especially when Kevin Frandsen got into 109 games last year with Bonds (and none this year without him) and posted a shitty .269/.331/.379 with 5 homers and 31 RBI in 264 at bats!
And Eugenio Velez, who's playing this year, has been good for .212/.250/.331, no typo there. His OBP is .250. And he's 26. So is Frandsen.
Shitty old Ray Durham, who you'd be stuck with because of Barroids, has been good for .264/.347/.379, which isn't amazing, but looks like a Pujols line when compared to Eugenio Velez!!!
CF: Dave Roberts, who is not currently a factor. OK, so it would be Randy Winn. Center field is the key test of the To-Bonds-Or-Not-To-Bonds issue. Would the Giants have gone for Aaron Rowand, a terrific player, if they had re-signed Bonds? No way. They pay Rowand $60 million over five years.
So the Giants don't waste $12 million a year on Aaron Rowand? Why don't we see what you think of that contract after a couple more years of Rowand running into fucking walls to save 5 runs a season. And even with that said, Rowand's having the best start of his career, and his OPS is .937. That's only 108 points worse than what Bonds did last year.
The Giants pay their team a little more than $76 million. How much would Bonds cost? I don't believe for a second Peter Magowan would pay for both Bonds and Rowand on a team that would not make the playoffs anyway. Bonds would rule out Rowand, and that would be sad. Why? Assume Bonds can hit better than Rowand - an assumption, not a certainty. Rowand still hits very well and he's a much better fielder and, get this, he's a team player. He's exactly the kind of player any team wants in center field - he's someone you can build around.
How much would Bonds cost? Umm... basically free at this point. He wants to play. He says he'd come very cheap if anybody would ask him. We don't have to assume that Bonds will hit better than Rowand... because we use numbers to evaluate players performance instead of their personalities.
Numbers say the following:
Bonds : Rowand :: Durham : Eugenio Velez
Others things that numbers say:
Bonds : Rowand :: A-Rod : Jeter
Rowand : Walls :: Ted Kennedy : Lakes
Ted Kennedy : Rowand :: Something : Something else unrelated to the first something
This joke : Not funny anymore :: Bill Clinton : Masturbating furiously as we speak
Okay, maybe numbers don't say all of that, but you get the picture. The last piece of this argument is the "team player" shit. Let me just run over to baseballreference.com and check out Aaron Rowands WONTP stat... you know, Wins Over a Non-Team Player. While I'm there, I'll check his VOAH (Value Over Adolf Hitler.) Oh.. that's right, these stats don't FUCKING EXIST, because it makes no fucking difference whether or not you're a team player.
The 1978 Yankees fucking hated each other. The coach and the cleanup hitter were getting in fistfights. Billy Martin was pulling lineups out of his fucking hat. And they won the World Series.
Is the without-Bonds team better? Yes, marginally. It's younger. Bruce Bochy gets to develop Velez. At least Lewis can run after balls in left field as opposed to Bonds who stood there like a statue. Lewis is developing into a pretty good hitter.
You can go look if you want. Trust me, the without-Bonds team isn't better. It's littered with 26-year old non-prospects with .250 OBPs like Velez, who might one day develop into a 30 year old with a .280 OBP. Fred Lewis is developing into a slightly above average major league hitter and he can run after fly balls!!! Yayyyyyy Fred Lewis!!!! The without-Bonds team won't win more than 70 games. Ever. Unless it gets some serious help.
The real issue is why another team doesn't sign Bonds. The A's come to mind. Some teams could use him - could put up with him - as the last piece in a playoff team.
Umm... The A's are rebuilding. They're not "one piece away" from anything. Their GM has a PLAN (that involves numbers)... so they're still able to play competitive baseball while they rebuild, but they're not one piece away from the playoffs. What the fuck are you talking about?
Note to readers: As you notice Iggy and Lowell have not been arguing with each other the past few weeks. We like each other. We are thinking of changing the name for this blog from Cohn vs. Cohn to the Cohn Zohn. The Cohn Zohn has been suggested by one of our faithful readers. We still could dispute a topic in the Cohn Zohn - we'd let readers know this was an argument, etc. We would make the change to the Cohn Zohn but don't actually know how to do it. Stay tuned.
Awwwww that's so sweet! Iggy and Lowell love each other!! And they're going to change the name of the blog to "The Cohn Zohn!!!" Oh, I'm so excited!! But let me get this straight... Iggy Cohn, the witty, wise-guy, smarty-smart college-age son doesn't know how to change the NAME of a FUCKING BLOG!? Are these people Amish? Ahhhh... I see what's going on here.
Iggy is college-age. He's not actually enrolled in a college though. My guess is that Iggy is actually living abroad, building wells to provide clean water to people in Third World Nations! Iggy has never actually SEEN a baseball game, because he's wayyyy too busy with his humanitarian projects, but he does make time to talk to his dad, Lowell every now and again, and his father is obsessed with this Baseball thing, so Iggy just listens and agrees with whatever his pop says. Pop is so proud of Iggy's work. And Iggy loves pop's blog too. Even though he has no idea what a fucking tool he looks like in it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)