I can't help it. I love Lowell and Iggy Cohn. Thank you FJM, thank you SO MUCH for introducing me to them!! Today, Iggy suggests that Lowell has MIND BULLETS! THAT'S FUCKING TELEKINESIS KYLE!!!!!!!
Okay, it's not mind bullets. But it's the ability to make Frank Thomas hit a baseball by suggesting that the Oakland A's cut him. And that's just as good. Here's the article.
The A's should dump Thomas for Bonds. My dad and I have been pushing this idea for weeks. Unfortunately, my dad chose to formally write it up the day Thomas went three for four with two home runs and three RBI. Talk about bad timing.
It's not bad timing Iggy! It's not! Do not mistake coincidence for providence! Morpheus said that in The Matrix so it must be true. There is no coincidence! The Big Hurt hit because your dad talked smack about him!!!
No doubt A's fans think my dad is a hack and maybe worse things.
Why would anybody think that? Could it have something to do with the fact that you guys write like a couple of drunken circus freaks?!
But I'm his son and his business partner, and for fear of being cut out of the will I'm going to defend him.
So basically, you're agreeing that your dad's a hack? You're a real shithead Iggy.
Beane stresses stats over chemistry, Bonds is the epitome of stats over chemistry, Beane should sign Bonds.
I guess that depends on what kind of 'chemistry' you're talking about. From what I hear, Bonds has worked with some great chemists in his day. Maybe Bonds is the epitome of stats-because-of-chemistry.
Furthermore, the implications that syllogism raises due to the fact that Beane hasn't signed Bonds are interesting. Should we believe the things Beane says? Is his money ball doctrine more a construct of Michael Lewis than the boy genius himself? Thought provoking questions, to say the least.
If Beane signs Bonds, then Beane is a jerkface asshole who cares more about stats than people and hearts and flowers and starving children in Guatemala. If Beane doesn't sign Barroid, then Moneyball is a figment of our imaginations and Billy Einstein is a phony, and his team is actually run by the computer from the movie War Games! Hey Iggy, you're a San Fran fan. Who wins more? The Giants? Or that douchebag phony Billy Beane and his A's? Okay, so shut the fuck up.
Blah blah blah for the next 9 paragraphs of witty anecdote about how impressed people are that Iggy is, in fact, the son of Lowell Cohn, except that nobody seems to like Lowell at all, because even in San Francisco, everybody thinks he's a terrible hack.
Then we get to the goods!! THE ABILITY TO KILL A YAK FROM... wait... I already linked the Wonderboy video...
Iggy lists off how because Dad wrote negative shit about Mike Nolan, Barry Zito and Al Davis that the following will happen.
Nolan will lead the 49ers to the playoffs and win coach of the year.
I guess this could happen without voodoo magic. The 49ers don't totally suck. They were 5-11 last year, but they ARE in a Division with Seattle, St. Louis and Arizona and somebody has to win that thing, right?
Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing!
I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks.
I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.
The Raiders will win the Super Bowl in 2008, Al Davis will win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Fire Lane Kiffin and live to 112.
Okay, so this one will probably happen. Right after this does...
Showing posts with label Cheeky Monkey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cheeky Monkey. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
D'Antoni Is Wrong for the Knicks?
Today I get a real treat. I get to talk about one of my hometown teams and an article from my hometown paper! One great thing about the New York Daily News, is that there's no shortage of stupidity to be found within it.
(Actually, there is a "shortage" of stupidity, and his name is Mike Lupica... but for more on that, check out http://www.enough-lupica.com/)
Onto the premise of things though. Mitch Lawrence thinks Donnie Walsh is an idiot for hiring Mike D'Antoni. Mitch Lawrence is so certain of this, that he's invented a really witty nickname for Donnie Walsh. Bold Donnie. Bold Donnie? Bold Donnie!
Note to self: Bold = Nice way to call someone an asshole.
(Note, that's not me. And probably not you.)
Bold Donnie strikes again.
We get it Mitch, you think he's an asshole. I already explained it.
Mike D'Antoni coaching the Knicks? What's next, trading for Shaquille O'Neal to come in and play point guard?
D'Antoni : Coach = Shaq : Point Guard? These two things are very clearly similar. Plus this is topical, because Shaq got traded to the Suns this year. And D'Antoni was the coach of the Suns! This might actually work! Shaq played in D'Antoni's system, he's been around Nash a little, and aside from the fact that he's 7'2", 685 lbs, and can't dribble or shoot, he'd probably create mismatches all over the place.
Here's a better one: Make D'Antoni the GM of the Knicks, too.
You mean so he can trade for and sign guys suited to play into his system? That's a very intelligent suggestion, but you were being sarcastic, weren't you Mitch? You cheeky little monkey.
Even Walsh has to look at a reduced role now. His drafts and signings at Indiana over the better part of a quarter of a century reflected the old NBA way of thinking (incidentally, the kind that keeps producing championships, but why let facts get in the way of a good fantasy?).
Donnie Walsh is Old School. Mike D'Antoni is not. Old School wins Championships. Cut. And. Dry. Suck on that you New School pricks.
Just for the sake of reference, I'm going to break this down in a way that's easily understandable.
Number of Teams Playing D'Antoni's Style: 2 (Suns, Raptors)
Number of Team-Seasons teams have played D'Antoni's Style: 5 (Suns - 4, Raptors - 1)
Playoff Appearances: 5
Championships: 0
Number of Teams Playing "Old School": All of the other ones.
Number of Team-Seasons teams have played "Old School": 5,234,230,921,928,289
Playoff Appearances: Roughly 27% of all teams in the history of the NBA, with roughly 73% of them missing the playoffs.
Championships: All of them.
Seems to me, Mitch, that the reason "Old School" wins Championships... is because that's all ANYBODY ELSE PLAYS according to you. Your analogy implies that there are two types of basketball: "Old School" and "D'Antoni School" (which sounds like a culinary arts academy.)
The Showtime Lakers? The Phil Jackson Triangle Offense-driven Bulls Teams? You're telling me that these aren't different from say... the hard-nosed defense, team-first approach of the San Antonio Spurs? You're skating on thin ice Mitch Lawrence.
The Knicks are now a new-wave team, so they had better adjust on all fronts and go all the way with this.
New Wave? Okay, lets go with New Wave. Here are some ways to adjust to being New Wave. The Knicks are no longer a basketball team. They're an 80's ska band.
Diaw is D'Antoni's kind of player: a soft, finesse convertible type who can play 17 positions and defend none.
Diaw is really soft. He missed 11 games last season because his pussy hurt and 5 more because he was really bloated. The 17 positions he can play are: Shooting Guard, Small Forward, Power Forward, Center, Left Field, Goalie, Striker, Left Outside Linebacker, Shortstop, Catcher, Doggie Style, 69, Administrative Assistant, Punter, Reverse Cowgirl, and Porn Fluffer.
The smiles you see are from NBA officials who now will get their wish of having the Knicks draft the "next Dirk Nowitzki" out of Outer Mongolia.
Really? Who is he! That would be an excellent player for the Knicks to grab up. Although I think they'll probably take Derrick Rose if he's there for them.
Here's what this comes down to. Everybody's pointing out that the Knicks don't have any players who can play D'Antoni's style, aside from maybe Nate Robinson, Jamal Crawford, David Lee, Renaldo Balkman and Wilson Chandler. Curry and Randolph can't run, their tits will jiggle too much.
The better question is: How many of these guys can play "Old School" basketball? How many of them can play defense? None. NONE!!
(Actually, there is a "shortage" of stupidity, and his name is Mike Lupica... but for more on that, check out http://www.enough-lupica.com/)
Onto the premise of things though. Mitch Lawrence thinks Donnie Walsh is an idiot for hiring Mike D'Antoni. Mitch Lawrence is so certain of this, that he's invented a really witty nickname for Donnie Walsh. Bold Donnie. Bold Donnie? Bold Donnie!
Note to self: Bold = Nice way to call someone an asshole.
(Note, that's not me. And probably not you.)
Bold Donnie strikes again.
We get it Mitch, you think he's an asshole. I already explained it.
Mike D'Antoni coaching the Knicks? What's next, trading for Shaquille O'Neal to come in and play point guard?
D'Antoni : Coach = Shaq : Point Guard? These two things are very clearly similar. Plus this is topical, because Shaq got traded to the Suns this year. And D'Antoni was the coach of the Suns! This might actually work! Shaq played in D'Antoni's system, he's been around Nash a little, and aside from the fact that he's 7'2", 685 lbs, and can't dribble or shoot, he'd probably create mismatches all over the place.
Here's a better one: Make D'Antoni the GM of the Knicks, too.
You mean so he can trade for and sign guys suited to play into his system? That's a very intelligent suggestion, but you were being sarcastic, weren't you Mitch? You cheeky little monkey.
Even Walsh has to look at a reduced role now. His drafts and signings at Indiana over the better part of a quarter of a century reflected the old NBA way of thinking (incidentally, the kind that keeps producing championships, but why let facts get in the way of a good fantasy?).
Donnie Walsh is Old School. Mike D'Antoni is not. Old School wins Championships. Cut. And. Dry. Suck on that you New School pricks.
Just for the sake of reference, I'm going to break this down in a way that's easily understandable.
Number of Teams Playing D'Antoni's Style: 2 (Suns, Raptors)
Number of Team-Seasons teams have played D'Antoni's Style: 5 (Suns - 4, Raptors - 1)
Playoff Appearances: 5
Championships: 0
Number of Teams Playing "Old School": All of the other ones.
Number of Team-Seasons teams have played "Old School": 5,234,230,921,928,289
Playoff Appearances: Roughly 27% of all teams in the history of the NBA, with roughly 73% of them missing the playoffs.
Championships: All of them.
Seems to me, Mitch, that the reason "Old School" wins Championships... is because that's all ANYBODY ELSE PLAYS according to you. Your analogy implies that there are two types of basketball: "Old School" and "D'Antoni School" (which sounds like a culinary arts academy.)
The Showtime Lakers? The Phil Jackson Triangle Offense-driven Bulls Teams? You're telling me that these aren't different from say... the hard-nosed defense, team-first approach of the San Antonio Spurs? You're skating on thin ice Mitch Lawrence.
The Knicks are now a new-wave team, so they had better adjust on all fronts and go all the way with this.
New Wave? Okay, lets go with New Wave. Here are some ways to adjust to being New Wave. The Knicks are no longer a basketball team. They're an 80's ska band.
Diaw is D'Antoni's kind of player: a soft, finesse convertible type who can play 17 positions and defend none.
Diaw is really soft. He missed 11 games last season because his pussy hurt and 5 more because he was really bloated. The 17 positions he can play are: Shooting Guard, Small Forward, Power Forward, Center, Left Field, Goalie, Striker, Left Outside Linebacker, Shortstop, Catcher, Doggie Style, 69, Administrative Assistant, Punter, Reverse Cowgirl, and Porn Fluffer.
The smiles you see are from NBA officials who now will get their wish of having the Knicks draft the "next Dirk Nowitzki" out of Outer Mongolia.
Really? Who is he! That would be an excellent player for the Knicks to grab up. Although I think they'll probably take Derrick Rose if he's there for them.
Here's what this comes down to. Everybody's pointing out that the Knicks don't have any players who can play D'Antoni's style, aside from maybe Nate Robinson, Jamal Crawford, David Lee, Renaldo Balkman and Wilson Chandler. Curry and Randolph can't run, their tits will jiggle too much.
The better question is: How many of these guys can play "Old School" basketball? How many of them can play defense? None. NONE!!
N. O. N. E.
So what's better? Having 4 or 5 guys who can play into the system? Or none? D'Antoni's won without defense for the last 4 years. The Knicks have lost playing "Old School" for the last 700 years. Why not try something new?
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