Should I just change the name of the blog to that? It's hard to believe, but he's at it again. This one's from the Magazine, and it's little more than more nationally syndicated Boston-centric arrogance. Never before, has a fan seemed to take so much pride and credit in the accomplishments of a team. He talks about the Sox and Celtics World Championships as though he's accomplished something by having been born in Boston.
This entire article is about the fact that he's got "nowhere to go but down."
Remember when Hugh Grant was arrested for soliciting a prostitute while he was dating Elizabeth Hurley?
Hey Simmons, that happened on June 27, 1995. In case you're bad with numbers, that was over 13 years ago. No Bill Simmons, I do NOT remember tabloid pop-culture happenings from 13+ years ago. Well, actually I do... but I don't talk about them like they're recent news, or write entire articles centered around imaginary rules that I made up because of them.
At the time, I, like every other red-blooded male, tried to put myself in Hugh's sullied shoes.
Yeah Bill, we all did it. Thirteen years ago. Do you have a point? Lets just skip ahead to your 10+ year old imaginary rule. Maybe you can work a fantasy league joke into this. Or the Ewing Theory.
After climbing Mount Everest—"Hey, I have my pick of hotties!"—he simply couldn't figure out what to do next.
Dude... what's your problem with Divine Brown? Maybe Hugh wanted some dark meat. Is that so fucking bad? Or are you just appalled by this because she's black, and you're a typical Bostonian fucking racist? It was 13 years ago. Shut the fuck up.
What does any of this have to with anything?
I'm glad you asked, because you're starting to frustrate me.
In the days following an improbable Celtics title, two questions have gnawed at me:
Am I a homosexual? And does anyone, anywhere, actually like me anymore? Wishful thinking Mr. Six, wishful thinking.
1. Have I peaked as a sports fan?
No, you haven't. My Yankees won 4 championships from 1996-2000. My Giants just ruined the perfect season of your Patriots. And my Rangers broke their championship drought only a year or so before Hugh Grant hooked up with Divine Brown. There's no such thing as "peaking" as a sports fan... because a sports fan DOESN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING. We drink beer and watch games. That's it. Fans don't hit free agency. We don't decline with age. WE'RE NOT ON THE FUCKING TEAM!!!!!
2. Am I headed for a Hugh/Divine moment?
Yes Bill, you are. You're going to go out tomorrow night, get drunk at some dive in Los Angeles and wake up next to someone who looks like this. There's nowhere to go but down for you... but that has nothing to do with your sports fandom or imaginary team-alliance. It's just because you're an asshole.
Remember, I'm a Sawx fan.
Jesus fucking Christ, Bill. Do you think anybody, anywhere has forgotten that? Especially if we still remember who Hugh Grant fucked 13+ years ago?
You know who's silently nodding their heads right now? New York Giants fans. They know they'll never beat the experience of rooting for a double-digit underdog that improbably terminated a bid for a perfect season in the Super Bowl.
I'm not nodding. I'm stifling the urge to vomit. The next time the Yankees win a championship, it'll be better than that Super Bowl. The next time any team I pull for wins a ring, it'll beat that Super Bowl... because it'll be happening "NOW" instead of "IN THE PAST." Whatever's happening in the present always feels sweeter than what's happened in the past. That's life.
And another thing, I love the Giants and the Yankees. I love the Knicks and Rangers too, but aren't there more important things in life? I do things in MY LIFE every day that beat "the experience of rooting for a double-digit underdog that improbably terminated a bid for a perfect season in the Super Bowl." A promotion at work beats the shit out of that. Taking my girlfriend to a Broadway show tops it. Dragging my little brother to his first Yankee game and smacking him in the head with a rolled up program until he stops insisting he's a Mets fan totally outranks it.
Point is, Bill, that we have real lives. We have marriages, divorces, births, deaths, taxes, rising gas prices and STDs. As great as it feels when one of my teams wins a championship, it's really not the biggest thing that happens in our lives in any given year. Our lives don't peak or crash based on a box score.
If yours does, maybe you should seek professional help. Like some kind of counselling or something.
And for the record, you don't have to worry about a Divine Brown moment. She wouldn't fuck you anyway. You think she's going to go from Hugh Grant to Bill Simmons?
Come on... the Cincinnati Bengals would have to win back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back Super Bowls for her to be due to crash to your level.
Showing posts with label Asshole Fanwriters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Asshole Fanwriters. Show all posts
Monday, July 7, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I Hope Bill Simmons Gets Nut Cancer...
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Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I Just Love Those Crazy Cohns!!!
I can't help it. I love Lowell and Iggy Cohn. Thank you FJM, thank you SO MUCH for introducing me to them!! Today, Iggy suggests that Lowell has MIND BULLETS! THAT'S FUCKING TELEKINESIS KYLE!!!!!!!
Okay, it's not mind bullets. But it's the ability to make Frank Thomas hit a baseball by suggesting that the Oakland A's cut him. And that's just as good. Here's the article.
The A's should dump Thomas for Bonds. My dad and I have been pushing this idea for weeks. Unfortunately, my dad chose to formally write it up the day Thomas went three for four with two home runs and three RBI. Talk about bad timing.
It's not bad timing Iggy! It's not! Do not mistake coincidence for providence! Morpheus said that in The Matrix so it must be true. There is no coincidence! The Big Hurt hit because your dad talked smack about him!!!
No doubt A's fans think my dad is a hack and maybe worse things.
Why would anybody think that? Could it have something to do with the fact that you guys write like a couple of drunken circus freaks?!
But I'm his son and his business partner, and for fear of being cut out of the will I'm going to defend him.
So basically, you're agreeing that your dad's a hack? You're a real shithead Iggy.
Beane stresses stats over chemistry, Bonds is the epitome of stats over chemistry, Beane should sign Bonds.
I guess that depends on what kind of 'chemistry' you're talking about. From what I hear, Bonds has worked with some great chemists in his day. Maybe Bonds is the epitome of stats-because-of-chemistry.
Furthermore, the implications that syllogism raises due to the fact that Beane hasn't signed Bonds are interesting. Should we believe the things Beane says? Is his money ball doctrine more a construct of Michael Lewis than the boy genius himself? Thought provoking questions, to say the least.
If Beane signs Bonds, then Beane is a jerkface asshole who cares more about stats than people and hearts and flowers and starving children in Guatemala. If Beane doesn't sign Barroid, then Moneyball is a figment of our imaginations and Billy Einstein is a phony, and his team is actually run by the computer from the movie War Games! Hey Iggy, you're a San Fran fan. Who wins more? The Giants? Or that douchebag phony Billy Beane and his A's? Okay, so shut the fuck up.
Blah blah blah for the next 9 paragraphs of witty anecdote about how impressed people are that Iggy is, in fact, the son of Lowell Cohn, except that nobody seems to like Lowell at all, because even in San Francisco, everybody thinks he's a terrible hack.
Then we get to the goods!! THE ABILITY TO KILL A YAK FROM... wait... I already linked the Wonderboy video...
Iggy lists off how because Dad wrote negative shit about Mike Nolan, Barry Zito and Al Davis that the following will happen.
Nolan will lead the 49ers to the playoffs and win coach of the year.
I guess this could happen without voodoo magic. The 49ers don't totally suck. They were 5-11 last year, but they ARE in a Division with Seattle, St. Louis and Arizona and somebody has to win that thing, right?
Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing!
I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks.
I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.
The Raiders will win the Super Bowl in 2008, Al Davis will win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Fire Lane Kiffin and live to 112.
Okay, so this one will probably happen. Right after this does...
Okay, it's not mind bullets. But it's the ability to make Frank Thomas hit a baseball by suggesting that the Oakland A's cut him. And that's just as good. Here's the article.
The A's should dump Thomas for Bonds. My dad and I have been pushing this idea for weeks. Unfortunately, my dad chose to formally write it up the day Thomas went three for four with two home runs and three RBI. Talk about bad timing.
It's not bad timing Iggy! It's not! Do not mistake coincidence for providence! Morpheus said that in The Matrix so it must be true. There is no coincidence! The Big Hurt hit because your dad talked smack about him!!!
No doubt A's fans think my dad is a hack and maybe worse things.
Why would anybody think that? Could it have something to do with the fact that you guys write like a couple of drunken circus freaks?!
But I'm his son and his business partner, and for fear of being cut out of the will I'm going to defend him.
So basically, you're agreeing that your dad's a hack? You're a real shithead Iggy.
Beane stresses stats over chemistry, Bonds is the epitome of stats over chemistry, Beane should sign Bonds.
I guess that depends on what kind of 'chemistry' you're talking about. From what I hear, Bonds has worked with some great chemists in his day. Maybe Bonds is the epitome of stats-because-of-chemistry.
Furthermore, the implications that syllogism raises due to the fact that Beane hasn't signed Bonds are interesting. Should we believe the things Beane says? Is his money ball doctrine more a construct of Michael Lewis than the boy genius himself? Thought provoking questions, to say the least.
If Beane signs Bonds, then Beane is a jerkface asshole who cares more about stats than people and hearts and flowers and starving children in Guatemala. If Beane doesn't sign Barroid, then Moneyball is a figment of our imaginations and Billy Einstein is a phony, and his team is actually run by the computer from the movie War Games! Hey Iggy, you're a San Fran fan. Who wins more? The Giants? Or that douchebag phony Billy Beane and his A's? Okay, so shut the fuck up.
Blah blah blah for the next 9 paragraphs of witty anecdote about how impressed people are that Iggy is, in fact, the son of Lowell Cohn, except that nobody seems to like Lowell at all, because even in San Francisco, everybody thinks he's a terrible hack.
Then we get to the goods!! THE ABILITY TO KILL A YAK FROM... wait... I already linked the Wonderboy video...
Iggy lists off how because Dad wrote negative shit about Mike Nolan, Barry Zito and Al Davis that the following will happen.
Nolan will lead the 49ers to the playoffs and win coach of the year.
I guess this could happen without voodoo magic. The 49ers don't totally suck. They were 5-11 last year, but they ARE in a Division with Seattle, St. Louis and Arizona and somebody has to win that thing, right?
Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing!
I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks.
I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.
The Raiders will win the Super Bowl in 2008, Al Davis will win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Fire Lane Kiffin and live to 112.
Okay, so this one will probably happen. Right after this does...
Friday, May 23, 2008
Punch Lines are for Pussies!
As many of you know (and you can probably tell) I'm new at this. What separates this blog from every other sports blog out there though, is that my jokes aren't funny. Okay wait, that came out wrong. What separates this from the others is that I curse a lot and say 'seriously' 400 times per post. Nope, that's not the point I'm trying to make either.
The difference between this place and others, is that I write this because I enjoy talking about sports. And I do my best to reply to every piece of e-mail (primeoffense@yahoo.com) and every comment (a grand total of 1 so far.) So yeah, you're encouraged to write me, whether it's to tell me that I'm completely right or completely wrong... or that you think I'm a total asshole. I'll tell you in advance, you're right. I am. Know who else is an asshole? Jay Mariotti, but he's in denial about it, and he's never talked with you to justify his assholiness. I will.
So why are we here today? Because Bill Simmons wrote his first non-Boston-Team article in over a year. It's a bunch of rapid-fire jokiness... but he forgot the punchlines. So I'm going to try to help make this funny. Here goes nothing.
So Kobe Bryant stops sulking, makes small talk with teammates, buys them dinner every once in a while, gives them $9,000 watches and occasionally passes the ball to them? I take it back ... he is a great guy!
Yeah! He gives teammates expensive gifts. Like when he got his wife that big diamond ring after he raped a hotel desk clerk! I'm putting 1 and 1 together here, and concluding that Kobe Bryant has sexually assaulted DJ Mbenga. And DJ, if you're reading this, just be happy that I got your name in here.
When you order the Jamba Juice with the fiber boost, you're basically telling the guy behind the counter and everyone else in line, "I'm a little backed up right now."
POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA!!! POOOOOOOOOP!!!!
If hell has a cable channel like ESPN Classic, it's definitely showing a never-ending loop of fights involving Bernard Hopkins or Johnny Ruiz.
Really? Bernard Hopkins fights? I like B-Hop fights, they're usually exciting. I would think Hell would keep showing that Klitschko vs. Ibragimov fight! You know, the one where they romanced each other all over the ring for 12 rounds? I think Ibragimov actually bought Klitschko flowers and asked him on a second date after that fight.
Here's my advice to Stan Van Gundy: Give in to the Ron Jeremy thing, embrace it and hire Joey Silvera, Herschel Savage and Randy West as your assistant coaches.
PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE!!!!!!!!!!! THE INTERNET IS FOR POOOOOOOOORNNNNN!!!!! I love me some porn... but why is Simmons so familiar with the names of the MALE porn stars?
I'll be honest: When Terry Francona gave Jon Lester the extra-long hug after Monday's no-hitter, it didn't just get a little dusty at the Sports Guy Mansion, it got "Brian's Song"-level dusty... because I, Bill Simmons, get turned on when men hug. I'm watching that Klitschko-Ibragimov fight as we speak.
Okay, maybe Bill didn't say all of that. But he should have. And so much for Bill keeping his mouth off of Boston's cock for more than 1,000 words.
I'm still whining about the Giants ruining the Patriots perfect season, and now I think Tyree's catch should have been reviewed, or maybe it was! I can't remember because here's a vague reference to my father, who's actually much funnier than I am and should probably write my shit for me.
Well, it's basically what he said.
Hey, just because the Mavs are long gone from the playoffs doesn't mean we have to stop making Josh Howard jokes, right?
No Bill, you never have to stop cracking shitty jokes about dated happenings.
Can we call the 2008 Mavericks team video "Howard and Kumar"?
Or Harold and Josh!!! Or Kumar and Joshmarkimward!! Such a creative joke.
How many times do you think he toked up with a teammate, then fell over in hysterics imitating Avery Johnson's voice?
Yeah, and maybe Jason Kidd will smoke up with him and then go smack up Joumana some more! Somebody needs to set her straight!!
Congrats to John Mayer for officially replacing Adam Duritz as this generation's token "sensitive musician who has bagged so many Hollywood babes that every other red-blooded male is rooting for him to get into a disfiguring accident, so when he turns into a sweaty, overweight guy 15 years from now, we'll all feel a sick sense of satisfaction about the whole thing."
Except that Adam Duritz is already basically a sweaty, overweight guy, and he's bagged more hot babes than young, fit Bill Simmons in spite of it. I don't wish disfiguring injuries on people who bag more chicks than me. Do you?
Look, I don't care if it's a movie, and I don't care if it happened 22 years ago, there's no way Cruise and Edwards take a game off Rossovich and Kilmer, much less the entire volleyball match. It's not happening.
I don't know what the fuck Simmons is talking about and therefore, I have no joke. If this makes sense to you, please write in and explain.
Put it this way: If the Spurs-Lakers series goes the distance, I see a Game 7 officiating crew of Bennett Salvatore, Adam Silver and Jack Nicholson, as well as every Spurs starter fouling out and Gregg Popovich getting two quick T's and being removed from the court on one of those Hannibal Lecter stretchers. And that's a conservative prediction.
Sort of like how the league got rid of the Cavs so LeBron wouldn't ruin the Boston-Los Angeles finals that David Stern's been orchestrating all season?
Pop quiz: Explain the significance behind "22 innings pitched, 47 baserunners, eight home runs, zero wins, four losses, 9.00 ERA."
Umm... 22 innings is a really small sample size to evaluate a pitcher based on?
Yup, those are the 2008 stats for Phil Hughes. (Did you know the Yankees refused to include him in a deal for Johan Santana? No, really! I swear to God!)
Which had nothing to do with the $151 million extension that Johan wanted, or the 900 innings on Johan's arm in the last 4 years. Or the fact that Hughes was the top-rated minor league pitcher in all of baseball for 2 years running. Maybe it's a small sample size. Maybe Hughes was pitching with a broken rib. Maybe he's not ready. Or maybe this is a good reason to LOL!! HAHA!!! BOSTON RULEZ!!!! YAHNKEEZ SAWKKKK!!!!
Yeah, I'm done here.... it just gets more shitty from here and this post is wayyyy too long.
The difference between this place and others, is that I write this because I enjoy talking about sports. And I do my best to reply to every piece of e-mail (primeoffense@yahoo.com) and every comment (a grand total of 1 so far.) So yeah, you're encouraged to write me, whether it's to tell me that I'm completely right or completely wrong... or that you think I'm a total asshole. I'll tell you in advance, you're right. I am. Know who else is an asshole? Jay Mariotti, but he's in denial about it, and he's never talked with you to justify his assholiness. I will.
So why are we here today? Because Bill Simmons wrote his first non-Boston-Team article in over a year. It's a bunch of rapid-fire jokiness... but he forgot the punchlines. So I'm going to try to help make this funny. Here goes nothing.
So Kobe Bryant stops sulking, makes small talk with teammates, buys them dinner every once in a while, gives them $9,000 watches and occasionally passes the ball to them? I take it back ... he is a great guy!
Yeah! He gives teammates expensive gifts. Like when he got his wife that big diamond ring after he raped a hotel desk clerk! I'm putting 1 and 1 together here, and concluding that Kobe Bryant has sexually assaulted DJ Mbenga. And DJ, if you're reading this, just be happy that I got your name in here.
When you order the Jamba Juice with the fiber boost, you're basically telling the guy behind the counter and everyone else in line, "I'm a little backed up right now."
POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA!!! POOOOOOOOOP!!!!
If hell has a cable channel like ESPN Classic, it's definitely showing a never-ending loop of fights involving Bernard Hopkins or Johnny Ruiz.
Really? Bernard Hopkins fights? I like B-Hop fights, they're usually exciting. I would think Hell would keep showing that Klitschko vs. Ibragimov fight! You know, the one where they romanced each other all over the ring for 12 rounds? I think Ibragimov actually bought Klitschko flowers and asked him on a second date after that fight.
Here's my advice to Stan Van Gundy: Give in to the Ron Jeremy thing, embrace it and hire Joey Silvera, Herschel Savage and Randy West as your assistant coaches.
PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE!!!!!!!!!!! THE INTERNET IS FOR POOOOOOOOORNNNNN!!!!! I love me some porn... but why is Simmons so familiar with the names of the MALE porn stars?
I'll be honest: When Terry Francona gave Jon Lester the extra-long hug after Monday's no-hitter, it didn't just get a little dusty at the Sports Guy Mansion, it got "Brian's Song"-level dusty... because I, Bill Simmons, get turned on when men hug. I'm watching that Klitschko-Ibragimov fight as we speak.
Okay, maybe Bill didn't say all of that. But he should have. And so much for Bill keeping his mouth off of Boston's cock for more than 1,000 words.
I'm still whining about the Giants ruining the Patriots perfect season, and now I think Tyree's catch should have been reviewed, or maybe it was! I can't remember because here's a vague reference to my father, who's actually much funnier than I am and should probably write my shit for me.
Well, it's basically what he said.
Hey, just because the Mavs are long gone from the playoffs doesn't mean we have to stop making Josh Howard jokes, right?
No Bill, you never have to stop cracking shitty jokes about dated happenings.
Can we call the 2008 Mavericks team video "Howard and Kumar"?
Or Harold and Josh!!! Or Kumar and Joshmarkimward!! Such a creative joke.
How many times do you think he toked up with a teammate, then fell over in hysterics imitating Avery Johnson's voice?
Yeah, and maybe Jason Kidd will smoke up with him and then go smack up Joumana some more! Somebody needs to set her straight!!
Congrats to John Mayer for officially replacing Adam Duritz as this generation's token "sensitive musician who has bagged so many Hollywood babes that every other red-blooded male is rooting for him to get into a disfiguring accident, so when he turns into a sweaty, overweight guy 15 years from now, we'll all feel a sick sense of satisfaction about the whole thing."
Except that Adam Duritz is already basically a sweaty, overweight guy, and he's bagged more hot babes than young, fit Bill Simmons in spite of it. I don't wish disfiguring injuries on people who bag more chicks than me. Do you?
Look, I don't care if it's a movie, and I don't care if it happened 22 years ago, there's no way Cruise and Edwards take a game off Rossovich and Kilmer, much less the entire volleyball match. It's not happening.
I don't know what the fuck Simmons is talking about and therefore, I have no joke. If this makes sense to you, please write in and explain.
Put it this way: If the Spurs-Lakers series goes the distance, I see a Game 7 officiating crew of Bennett Salvatore, Adam Silver and Jack Nicholson, as well as every Spurs starter fouling out and Gregg Popovich getting two quick T's and being removed from the court on one of those Hannibal Lecter stretchers. And that's a conservative prediction.
Sort of like how the league got rid of the Cavs so LeBron wouldn't ruin the Boston-Los Angeles finals that David Stern's been orchestrating all season?
Pop quiz: Explain the significance behind "22 innings pitched, 47 baserunners, eight home runs, zero wins, four losses, 9.00 ERA."
Umm... 22 innings is a really small sample size to evaluate a pitcher based on?
Yup, those are the 2008 stats for Phil Hughes. (Did you know the Yankees refused to include him in a deal for Johan Santana? No, really! I swear to God!)
Which had nothing to do with the $151 million extension that Johan wanted, or the 900 innings on Johan's arm in the last 4 years. Or the fact that Hughes was the top-rated minor league pitcher in all of baseball for 2 years running. Maybe it's a small sample size. Maybe Hughes was pitching with a broken rib. Maybe he's not ready. Or maybe this is a good reason to LOL!! HAHA!!! BOSTON RULEZ!!!! YAHNKEEZ SAWKKKK!!!!
Yeah, I'm done here.... it just gets more shitty from here and this post is wayyyy too long.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Interleague Gay...
Haha... Interleague Gay! Get it? Like Interleague Play? That's wordplay my friends. Wordplay. I want to start by saying that I don't like Jeff Passan. I don't like him one bit. Something about him is just "too cool for school" and that's my job. And since I'm in the business of partial full disclosure, I'll also admit that I don't like interleague play. I think it's a waste of time... and I live in New York, where Yankees-Mets is supposedly a massive rivalry. Big fucking yippee. Interleague play blows. I'd rather play 6 more games against Toronto and Baltimore.
Jeff Passan likes interleague play and wants to improve it with a bunch of dipshitty ideas that he conjured from his wealth of intellect (see: Pulled out of his ass.)
I like interleague play.
Jeff Passan likes interleague play and wants to improve it with a bunch of dipshitty ideas that he conjured from his wealth of intellect (see: Pulled out of his ass.)
I like interleague play.
Yes Jeff, I told them that already.
Wow, that felt good.
Well, you're welcome. I wanted everybody to know where you were coming from before I make you look like a dickhead.
There is no support group for the afflicted. Though Major League Baseball contends that interleague play is popular and backs it up with compelling attendance figures, the advocates get drowned out by the minority, who are a lot like Ron Paul supporters: loud, passionate and fighting a fight that was long ago lost.
Oh, you meant that saying you liked interleague play felt good. Ingrateful little prick. And yeah, interleague play sells some tickets, primarily in cities that actually have an NL Rival to play. I can't imagine Kansas City vs. Florida being a particularly big draw. And fuck Ron Paul. Haha stupid libertarian! He has no supporters!!!
The brilliant idea: Home-field advantage in World Series goes to the league with the best record in interleague play.
Passan credits some jerk-off blogger with this idea, which is good, because its the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. Isn't it bad enough that the All-Star game decides home field advantage in the World Series? Now you want the results of the fucking Giants vs. Tigers to impact it?!
Here's a revolutionary idea! How about we give home-field in the World Series to the team with the best record for the 162-game season!! How about that... just as a change of pace? Does that make too much fucking sense? The aggregate interleague play record deciding homefield... gah!
The logical idea: Designated hitter in both parks.
To make the first idea fair, MLB needs to implement this one. Don’t punish the AL by making its pitchers hit. Give NL fans a chance to see the DH in their home parks a few times a season. If these games are going to count for home field, there can be no sign of league bias.
So in order to remove "league bias" we're going to play ALL the games by AL rules? Wouldn't this be punishing NL teams by exploiting the fact that most of them don't have a Designated Hitter on their payroll, because they only need one for about 12 games a year? The best way to remove "league bias" would probably be to play half the games by AL rules and the other half by NL rules... sort of the way they do NOW!!!
The outlandish idea: The interleague draft.
Let me just explain this one as best as I can. Basically, we alternating league by year, and let the teams draft an interleague series.
With the 7th pick, the Atlanta Braves choose to play the Tampa Bay Rays!! Yeah! Great idea! Fans LOVE drafts! And those crazy New York Jets fans can come and boo everybody's picks!!
My prime criticism of this idea is that it makes absolutely no fucking sense. None at all. Secondly, a 3-game series, in the grand scheme of a full season, is so beyond meaningless that it's not even slightly amusing. We're going to have a draft and waste everybody's fucking time over a 3-game series against the interleague team of your choice? That is a profoundly fucking stupid suggestion.
I like interleague play without these suggestions.
Well that's a good thing, because your ideas are fucking stupid and will never happen.
Just not as much as I do with them.
Then disregard the above sentence. Sorry to shit in your Froot Loops, Jeff Passan.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Bill Simmons: Boston Superfan!!!
Super Fucking Asshole is more like it. Yeah, lets not sugar coat this. Bill Simmons is a fucking tool. His employment at ESPN is nothing more than further clarification that the "Worldwide Leader in Sports" is little more than a nationally syndicated version of NESN and The Boston Globe rolled into one.
But being a fan and writing for ESPN isn't what makes Bill Simmons a fucking asshole. Here's what makes him a fucking asshole.
The fact that he's not even a good fan. He's not a true, stand-by-my-guys fan. He's your typical front-running butt-fucking bitch when the shit hits the fan.
Just for the sake of background, I have to point out the fact that this guy doesn't write a post about Hockey in like 77 years... except to say that the Boston Bruins are fucking dead to him (in the midst of another of their losing seasons.) Then comes back a couple of weeks ago preaching about how much he loves them... because they're in the playoffs.
In his latest installment, Bill is completely overreacting over the Celtics road playoff failures. Here are some excerpts from the article:
DOC: All right, guys, listen up. I want to go over the game plan so we're clear on everything.
RAY ALLEN: We have a game plan tonight?
A game plan? Walla walla fucking Washington!!! A game plan!! The fucking Celtics won 66 games this year. Whether they did so with or without a game plan is irrelevant I guess... because they won 66 fucking games. With Doc Rivers on the bench. Maybe you're overreacting to a couple of losses.
DOC: Not exactly, Eddie. I know we're something like 61-12 with you as our backup point guard, and I know Sam [Cassell] has been murdering us to the point that one of our owners asked me if he was "The Mole" last week. But let's keep things the way they are for one more game. To be honest, I really enjoy the expression on some of your faces when I don't play you in the first half, then you've checked out of the game mentally and suddenly I'm looking at you and telling you to go in. Let's keep that going as long as we can.
Yup... it's the 32 minutes that Sam Cassell played in 2 games in Cleveland that doomed the Celts. Not the fact that The Big Ticket morphed into Boris Diaw and developed a phobia of the paint. Think you're overreacting?
POSEY: I'm the only Celtic who's won a title other than Sam, so I feel like I know what I'm taking about here. The playoffs are all about matchups. Atlanta didn't have a single guy who could defend KG, but we never really exploited that. Against Cleveland, we should be attacking Szczerbiak with whoever he's guarding; that dude couldn't guard Oprah at this point. When they play Boobie Gibson and Delonte West at the same time, we should be going bigger with Paul [Pierce] at the 2 so he can post those guys up and punish them. When they put Ilgauskas on KG, we should be clearing out for KG so he can just go right by him every time. Big Z moves like a mummy; he can't handle KG facing up. I mean, it's all common sense, right?
Holy shit! James Posey should be the coach!! James Posey is a basketball genius! Why did Miami let this guy go? I bet Pat Riley thought he was after his job!! Wally Szczerbiak couldn't guard Oprah! Hahaha! Silly James Posey! Oprah doesn't play basketball!!! I bet that was a James Posey joke. He's a jokey guy, that James Posey.
PIERCE: Actually, that's not true -- I've only won four playoff series in my entire career.
RAY: Yeah, I'm not a winner, either. I've only made the conference finals once. Even in college, I didn't win. The only big victory I've ever had was the time I housed Denzel in "He Got Game."
KEVIN GARNETT: While we're coming clean, I haven't won anything either -- I've won three playoff series in 13 seasons.
Super fan Bill Simmons... pointing out that the Celtics 3 best players... who he's been raving about for the last 8 months non-stop... are a BUNCH OF FUCKING LOSERS!!!!!!!!! (Which, technically, they are... but they lost two games... not the series... two games. Are we overreacting?)
ALLEN: Yeah, maybe we should stop giving so many interviews about winning until we come through on the road one time.
Did the New England Patriots give this advice to Ray Allen? Sorry... couldn't help but point this out.
ALLEN: Well, let's stop using the phrase "Big Three" then. I'm not that type of player anymore -- really, I'm a spot-up jump shooter and that's it, and if I don't have my legs for a road game, I'm useless. There's not a ton of difference between me and Szczerbiak at this point. Two years from now, they'll be changing my name to "Ray Allen's Expiring Contract" unless somebody gives me a bionic pair of ankles.
Hahahahahaha!!! Ray Allen's Expiring Contract!! If you don't read Bill Simmons, you won't realize it.. but this is a reference to a recurring joke of his. It's been Theo Ratliff's Expiring Contract... and P.J. Brown's Expiring Contract... now it's Ray Allen! He needs bionic ankles!! Go-Go Gadget Kneecaps!!!!! Ho ho ho!!! Ray Allen doesn't belong in the big three! Fuck that guy!! Overreacting? A little? Maybe? A little?
But being a fan and writing for ESPN isn't what makes Bill Simmons a fucking asshole. Here's what makes him a fucking asshole.
The fact that he's not even a good fan. He's not a true, stand-by-my-guys fan. He's your typical front-running butt-fucking bitch when the shit hits the fan.
Just for the sake of background, I have to point out the fact that this guy doesn't write a post about Hockey in like 77 years... except to say that the Boston Bruins are fucking dead to him (in the midst of another of their losing seasons.) Then comes back a couple of weeks ago preaching about how much he loves them... because they're in the playoffs.
In his latest installment, Bill is completely overreacting over the Celtics road playoff failures. Here are some excerpts from the article:
DOC: All right, guys, listen up. I want to go over the game plan so we're clear on everything.
RAY ALLEN: We have a game plan tonight?
A game plan? Walla walla fucking Washington!!! A game plan!! The fucking Celtics won 66 games this year. Whether they did so with or without a game plan is irrelevant I guess... because they won 66 fucking games. With Doc Rivers on the bench. Maybe you're overreacting to a couple of losses.
DOC: Not exactly, Eddie. I know we're something like 61-12 with you as our backup point guard, and I know Sam [Cassell] has been murdering us to the point that one of our owners asked me if he was "The Mole" last week. But let's keep things the way they are for one more game. To be honest, I really enjoy the expression on some of your faces when I don't play you in the first half, then you've checked out of the game mentally and suddenly I'm looking at you and telling you to go in. Let's keep that going as long as we can.
Yup... it's the 32 minutes that Sam Cassell played in 2 games in Cleveland that doomed the Celts. Not the fact that The Big Ticket morphed into Boris Diaw and developed a phobia of the paint. Think you're overreacting?
POSEY: I'm the only Celtic who's won a title other than Sam, so I feel like I know what I'm taking about here. The playoffs are all about matchups. Atlanta didn't have a single guy who could defend KG, but we never really exploited that. Against Cleveland, we should be attacking Szczerbiak with whoever he's guarding; that dude couldn't guard Oprah at this point. When they play Boobie Gibson and Delonte West at the same time, we should be going bigger with Paul [Pierce] at the 2 so he can post those guys up and punish them. When they put Ilgauskas on KG, we should be clearing out for KG so he can just go right by him every time. Big Z moves like a mummy; he can't handle KG facing up. I mean, it's all common sense, right?
Holy shit! James Posey should be the coach!! James Posey is a basketball genius! Why did Miami let this guy go? I bet Pat Riley thought he was after his job!! Wally Szczerbiak couldn't guard Oprah! Hahaha! Silly James Posey! Oprah doesn't play basketball!!! I bet that was a James Posey joke. He's a jokey guy, that James Posey.
PIERCE: Actually, that's not true -- I've only won four playoff series in my entire career.
RAY: Yeah, I'm not a winner, either. I've only made the conference finals once. Even in college, I didn't win. The only big victory I've ever had was the time I housed Denzel in "He Got Game."
KEVIN GARNETT: While we're coming clean, I haven't won anything either -- I've won three playoff series in 13 seasons.
Super fan Bill Simmons... pointing out that the Celtics 3 best players... who he's been raving about for the last 8 months non-stop... are a BUNCH OF FUCKING LOSERS!!!!!!!!! (Which, technically, they are... but they lost two games... not the series... two games. Are we overreacting?)
ALLEN: Yeah, maybe we should stop giving so many interviews about winning until we come through on the road one time.
Did the New England Patriots give this advice to Ray Allen? Sorry... couldn't help but point this out.
ALLEN: Well, let's stop using the phrase "Big Three" then. I'm not that type of player anymore -- really, I'm a spot-up jump shooter and that's it, and if I don't have my legs for a road game, I'm useless. There's not a ton of difference between me and Szczerbiak at this point. Two years from now, they'll be changing my name to "Ray Allen's Expiring Contract" unless somebody gives me a bionic pair of ankles.
Hahahahahaha!!! Ray Allen's Expiring Contract!! If you don't read Bill Simmons, you won't realize it.. but this is a reference to a recurring joke of his. It's been Theo Ratliff's Expiring Contract... and P.J. Brown's Expiring Contract... now it's Ray Allen! He needs bionic ankles!! Go-Go Gadget Kneecaps!!!!! Ho ho ho!!! Ray Allen doesn't belong in the big three! Fuck that guy!! Overreacting? A little? Maybe? A little?
---
In Simmons' defense... he did start this article with a long preamble about how he wrote this immediately after the Celts lost Game 4. And he claims to have a better grip on things... except that he's been playing "The rah-rah fan who casually acknowledges that the team will probably fail every 20 minutes so they can celebrate a win... but say 'I told you so!' if his team loses" for the last 8 months. And before that, he pulled the same shit with the Patriots.
Pick a side of the fence Bill. Don't straddle it so you can be wrong and right at the same time. I know it's difficult when you're writing for a big national media company... and your father is both funnier and more knowledgeable than you. But try your best.
Queef tag added... because Simmons is just that, a fucking queef.
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