Busting Dusty Baker's balls is a hobby of mine, and a bit of a passion. And one of the greatest ways of going about that, is by referencing pitch counts, specifically with young pitchers.
Baker's in Cincy with Edinson Volquez and Johnny Cueto... and when I checked earlier this year, he was running up their pitch counts much the way he did with Mark Prior and Kerry Wood in Chicago.
For a point of comparison, I'm going to use the Tampa Bay Rays. Why? Because by my own perception, they seem to be relatively well-managed, and frankly, they don't get enough press.
I'm literally researching this as I write the article, so your guess is as good as mine regarding what this will show, if anything.
Cincy Reds
Edinson Volquez: 26 Starts, 157 2/3 IP, 15-5 W/L, 2.80 ERA, 1.313 WHIP
100+ pitches - 17 times.
110+ pitches - 9 times.
Season High - 118 on May 7th
Johnny Cueto: 27 Starts, 155 IP, 8-12 W/L, 4.65 ERA, 1.361 WHIP
100+ pitches - 12 times.
110+ pitches - 7 times.
Season High(s) - 120 on July 22nd, 119 on May 27th
Tampa Bay Rays
Scott Kazmir: 21 Starts, 121 IP, 9-6 W/L, 3.27 ERA, 1.231 WHIP
100+ pitches - 13 times.
110+ pitches - 5 times. Season High - 117 on June 11th.
Andy Sonnanstine: 26 Starts, 158 2/3 IP, 13-6 W/L, 4.42 ERA, 1.317 WHIP
100+ pitches - 7 times.
110+ pitches - 0 times.
Season High - 106 on April 19th.
James Shields: 27 Starts, 177 2/3 IP, 11-8 W/L, 3.75 ERA, 1.171 WHIP
100+ pitches - 14 times.
110+ pitches - 1 time.
Season High - 111 on August 3rd.
I could keep going with Edwin Jackson and Matt Garza, but I won't, so here are my findings.
What we can see is that Shields, Sonnanstine and Jackson (trust me here) have been held very tightly to pitch counts, very rarely getting very far over 100. Matt Garza and Scott Kazmir have been given slightly longer leashes, which means that despite their ages, and Kazmir's history of injury, there must be some trust and communication going on here.
On the other side, we have the Reds, with Dusty at the helm. He's got the future of that franchise routinely going over 100 pitches, and often pushing well into the 110-120 range. Both pitchers are in the process of setting career highs for innings pitched by what must be a pretty massive increase, and it appears that Dusty's taking very few precautions... despite the fact that his team is completely and utterly out of contention.
Oddly enough, the Rays appear to be taking every precaution, despite the fact that they're in first place, and have been battling the Red Sox for most of the season.
So yeah, props to Joe Maddon (didn't he just have a kid with Nicole Ritchie? Shit, now I'm confused) for proving that it is possible to win, and protect the future of your ball club by not destroying the arms of pitchers in their early 20's. Props to Andrew Friedman for the great job he's done assembling the team, and no-doubt, playing a role in this.
And to Reds fans, feel free to flame this post, but don't blame me when Volquez and Cueto are taking the plane trip down to Birmingham, AL to see Dr. James Andrews.
Maybe Johnny and Edinson will get smart and file restraining orders against Dusty while there's still time.
Showing posts with label Overreactions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Overreactions. Show all posts
Friday, August 29, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Proof That People Will Never Get It...
In the Year of Darkness, 2029, the rulers of this planet devised the ultimate plan. They would reshape the Future by changing the Past. The plan required something that felt no pity. No pain. No fear. Something unstoppable. They created 'THE TERMINATOR.'
Okay, so maybe it's not that dire. Basically the assertion of that article, is that bloggers are suddenly, and collectively starting to "get it." We (and I generously include myself in this discussion) are suddenly realizing that we can no longer go off half-cocked, or quarter-cocked (but it's okay to go off cockless if you're a chick blogger) with whatever rumors or opinions that we might have.
We're maturing! We're growing and aging! We have hair on our still underdeveloped pubic regions now, and one day, if encouraged and guided by a father-figure like Jay Mariotti, we might one day stop masturbating furiously to midget porn and leave the safety of our mother's basements, and in doing so, we might gain a semblance of credibility!
Sites such as SportsbyBrooks, Kissing Suzy Kolber, With Leather and Mr. Irrelevant have touted themselves as edgy and independent, outsiders free to write what mainstream media will not.
Which is, of course, a good thing, right? Because additional coverage from different perspectives can only enlighten readers to the different interpretations of a situation, or entertain them with a more humor-driven approach to a serious topic. And anybody who's not interested, doesn't have to read. Who could take issue with that?
Critics have portrayed them differently: the rabid fan sitting at a computer in his parents' basement, in his pajamas, spewing opinion.
Who are these critics, because I think we've already established that they're full of shit. Why... I think they're professional sportswriters! I think it's the hacks who are taking salaries to sit in their pajamas and spew opinion!! Could they possibly feel threatened by the fact that now anybody can do their job, and in many cases, do their job better than they're capable of doing it?
Or to ask the same question in a more concise manner... is it possible that the people who are most critical of blogging are the people who's careers are most directly threatened by it?
"Bloggers are maturing and realizing that we're moving out of the childhood age of this industry, into an awkward adolescence," said Robert Niles, who chronicles new media on his SensibleTalk.com website. "For some bloggers, they can see adulthood on the horizon."
And then there's this asshole! Some douche bag who's pushing his own website by speculating about the motives of hundreds of other writers whom he's never met, and probably never read. It's not about childhood or adulthood. It's about what the blogger is trying to accomplish by writing a blog... and that varies for EVERY. SINGLE. BLOGGER.
There is no research being conducted regarding the maturation curve of members of the blogosphere. There are no studies being funded by UCLA's Department of Bullshit on the Internet. Nobody's being interviewed by the New York Times. Robert Niles of SensibleTalk.com is very sensibly talking out his ass about something he has no way of knowing.
"It's a question of how successful do we want to be and how much are we willing to adjust our approach?" said Mike Florio of ProFootballTalk, who began blogging in 2000. "We're gaining revenue, gaining credibility."
Says the owner of ONE BLOG. Mike Florio of ProFootballTalk.com decided that given the chance to gain credibility, and thus potentially increase his earning potential, that he would pass on the chance to talk about Terrell Owens in Bang Bros Porn. And for Mike Florio, that's probably the right decision.
If somebody came to me tomorrow and offered to pay me $100,000.00 a year to write this blog under their domain, under the condition that I promise to never use profanity again... well Shitfuckshitfuckbitchcocktitsmotherfuckballsdirtysanchez!!! I would most definitely take that deal!!
"We're trying to make money on this," said A.J. Daulerio, a senior writer for Deadspin. "Without going completely porn, the best way to do that is to add a more journalistic element."
Wow A.J. Daulerio from Deadspin!! You're trying to make money too?! That's why Mike Florio from ProFootballTalk added a more journalistic approach to his dealings!! So let me re-write the premise of this article. The new title is:
Wild Times for Sports Blogs That Want to Be Credible and Make Money May Be Nearing an End!
Because the bottom line is the writer's aims and goals. If you want to gain credibility and turn profit, then at some point, you need to sanitize your act. And in doing so, bloggers are also bringing to light the greatest fears of 'sports journalists'... because people are starting to turn to Deadspin instead of FoxSports or ESPN. Why? Because it's not the same old crusty bullshit and stale views from the last 20 years. It's new, it's exciting, and it's not totally made-up.
Okay, so maybe it's not that dire. Basically the assertion of that article, is that bloggers are suddenly, and collectively starting to "get it." We (and I generously include myself in this discussion) are suddenly realizing that we can no longer go off half-cocked, or quarter-cocked (but it's okay to go off cockless if you're a chick blogger) with whatever rumors or opinions that we might have.
We're maturing! We're growing and aging! We have hair on our still underdeveloped pubic regions now, and one day, if encouraged and guided by a father-figure like Jay Mariotti, we might one day stop masturbating furiously to midget porn and leave the safety of our mother's basements, and in doing so, we might gain a semblance of credibility!
Sites such as SportsbyBrooks, Kissing Suzy Kolber, With Leather and Mr. Irrelevant have touted themselves as edgy and independent, outsiders free to write what mainstream media will not.
Which is, of course, a good thing, right? Because additional coverage from different perspectives can only enlighten readers to the different interpretations of a situation, or entertain them with a more humor-driven approach to a serious topic. And anybody who's not interested, doesn't have to read. Who could take issue with that?
Critics have portrayed them differently: the rabid fan sitting at a computer in his parents' basement, in his pajamas, spewing opinion.
Who are these critics, because I think we've already established that they're full of shit. Why... I think they're professional sportswriters! I think it's the hacks who are taking salaries to sit in their pajamas and spew opinion!! Could they possibly feel threatened by the fact that now anybody can do their job, and in many cases, do their job better than they're capable of doing it?
Or to ask the same question in a more concise manner... is it possible that the people who are most critical of blogging are the people who's careers are most directly threatened by it?
"Bloggers are maturing and realizing that we're moving out of the childhood age of this industry, into an awkward adolescence," said Robert Niles, who chronicles new media on his SensibleTalk.com website. "For some bloggers, they can see adulthood on the horizon."
And then there's this asshole! Some douche bag who's pushing his own website by speculating about the motives of hundreds of other writers whom he's never met, and probably never read. It's not about childhood or adulthood. It's about what the blogger is trying to accomplish by writing a blog... and that varies for EVERY. SINGLE. BLOGGER.
There is no research being conducted regarding the maturation curve of members of the blogosphere. There are no studies being funded by UCLA's Department of Bullshit on the Internet. Nobody's being interviewed by the New York Times. Robert Niles of SensibleTalk.com is very sensibly talking out his ass about something he has no way of knowing.
"It's a question of how successful do we want to be and how much are we willing to adjust our approach?" said Mike Florio of ProFootballTalk, who began blogging in 2000. "We're gaining revenue, gaining credibility."
Says the owner of ONE BLOG. Mike Florio of ProFootballTalk.com decided that given the chance to gain credibility, and thus potentially increase his earning potential, that he would pass on the chance to talk about Terrell Owens in Bang Bros Porn. And for Mike Florio, that's probably the right decision.
If somebody came to me tomorrow and offered to pay me $100,000.00 a year to write this blog under their domain, under the condition that I promise to never use profanity again... well Shitfuckshitfuckbitchcocktitsmotherfuckballsdirtysanchez!!! I would most definitely take that deal!!
"We're trying to make money on this," said A.J. Daulerio, a senior writer for Deadspin. "Without going completely porn, the best way to do that is to add a more journalistic element."
Wow A.J. Daulerio from Deadspin!! You're trying to make money too?! That's why Mike Florio from ProFootballTalk added a more journalistic approach to his dealings!! So let me re-write the premise of this article. The new title is:
Wild Times for Sports Blogs That Want to Be Credible and Make Money May Be Nearing an End!
Because the bottom line is the writer's aims and goals. If you want to gain credibility and turn profit, then at some point, you need to sanitize your act. And in doing so, bloggers are also bringing to light the greatest fears of 'sports journalists'... because people are starting to turn to Deadspin instead of FoxSports or ESPN. Why? Because it's not the same old crusty bullshit and stale views from the last 20 years. It's new, it's exciting, and it's not totally made-up.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Rape is more Clean Cut than Tattoos!
For the record out of the gate here, maybe I'm bias because I'm up to 8 tattoos, and I'm dating the most beautiful woman in the world, and she's also got a bunch of ink. I like tattoos, I plan to get more, and I don't see anything wrong with that.
I also think that whether a person likes tattoos or not, something like 95% of people are apathetic to whether or not another person has them. My dad's not a tattoo guy, but he couldn't care a chunk of gorilla poop if the guy who slices his cold cuts has them. He doesn't walk an extra block to buy a paper from someone who hasn't soiled the purity of their skin with a tramp stamp. Who gives a shit!
Jason Whitlock does. And he's certain that you do too.
Over the next couple of weeks you'll hear lots of theories about why TV ratings are surging for the NBA playoffs.
We're heading towards Lakers-Celtics? Chris Paul? LeBron James? Kobe? Tim Duncan? Garnett, Pierce and Ray Allen's rotting remains? The fact that every series has gone 7 games? Everybody holding home court? Tony Parker's appeal to fans of 'Desperate Housewives'?
The NBA has been experiencing a resurgence ever since the Suns traded for Shaquille O'Neal, the Lakers acquired Pau Gasol, the Mavericks got hoodwinked into snagging Jason Kidd and the Cavaliers picked up new spare parts for LeBron.
So this isn't even something that started in the playoffs then. The Shaq/Gasol/Kidd/Zombie Formerly Known as Ben Wallace trades happened months ago.
But there's one issue driving improved ratings that likely won't be touched by all the NBA talking heads on TNT and ESPN.
You think the shitty officiating is improving ratings?
Tattoos. Or rather the lack of tattoos in the conference finals.
Oh yeah, the lack of tattoos! Why didn't I think of... wait... what?!
Part of the reason more people are watching these playoffs is because the average fan isn't constantly repulsed by the appearance of most of the players on the court. Most of the key players left in the playoffs don't look like recent prison parolees.
First off, if Jason Whitlock were white, could he write this without getting fired and beaten with Don Imus? Like literally, someone picking up Don Imus and swinging him like a 7-iron at Jason Whitlock! Recent prison parolees?! Because of some tattoos?
And second, the average fan is repulsed to the point of not watching a game on TV by this? Really?! So if we added up ALL BASKETBALL FANS, and divided them by their sum, what we'd come out with is a guy who doesn't watch basketball because of Allen Iverson? I highly doubt that.
The only accurate way to describe Garnett, Pierce, Duncan, Allen, Manu, Parker and even Kobe is "clean cut."
I don't know if I'd label as being Kevin Garnett "squeaky clean." Have a look. Kind of looks like he wants to commit a random act of violence against a midget... doesn't he?
Yeah, there are a couple of tattoos in that group — Duncan has something on his back, Kobe still has his post-rape-allegation tat
Cue the band!!!!! And make them dances FUNKY BEEEOOOOTCH!!!
It's better for rating to be a rapist than to have tattoos! Kobe has his post-rape allegation tat!! And that's alright! Because not only does nobody mind his tattoo... NOBODY MINDS THAT THERE WERE RAPE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST HIM!!! And why? Because he's fucking terrific at basketball! Before you Laker fans flood me with hate mail, let me say this:
I do understand that Kobe was cleared of wrong-doing and found not guilty, but the entire premise of Jason Whitlock's argument is that people refuse to watch basketball because of their conservative natures. People as a whole, are conservative and hate tattoos, because people with them look like "recent prison parolees."
But these same conservative people have completely forgotten that Kobe Bryant was accused of raping the desk clerk at a hotel in Colorado like an hour and a half ago.
I know many of you probably think the number of tattoos doesn't influence viewing habits.
You're finally speaking to me dude. Now you're going to tell me that you were intentionally exaggerating or just dicking around, right?
You're wrong.
Fuck you! Fuck you for fostering hope where there is none. You are hopeless Jason Whitlock, utterly hopeless. Why don't you go ahead and try to relate this situation to sex in a purely unrelated way.
There's a reason you don't see nude scenes in movies with fat people. Trust me, fat people have sex. It's just no one wants to see it. Not even fat people.
Notice what Jason Whitlock does here. Jason Whitlock is fat, so when he says, "Trust me, fat people have sex", what he's really trying to say is "Trust me, I'm not a virgin." However, I've seen fat guys boning hot chicks. Want proof? Here's proof. He's chunky. And he's boned more hot chicks than you, me, Bill Simmons, Adam Duritz, John Mayer (who has tattoos and therefore will never sell any records) and Jason Whitlock combined. So apparently fat-person sex sells in the porn industry!
No one wants to watch Delonte West or Larry Hughes play basketball.
Because they suck?
It's uncomfortable and disconcerting. You don't want your kids to see it.
Yeah, they're pretty bad at basketball. Larry Hughes had a website dedicated to his suckage. I'd much rather my kid watch Allen Iverson and learn to play the game well.
You don't want your kids to think they should decorate their neck, arms, hands, chest and legs in paint. You don't want to waste time explaining to your kids that some millionaire athletes have so little genuine self-confidence that they find it necessary to cover themselves in tattoos as a way to mask their insecurities.
Fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck. FUCK!!! I thought Jason Whitlock got a clue for a second. He's now generalized the entire business and purpose of tattooing. Here is a scientific look at Jason Whitlock's argument.
Insecurity * Lack of Self-Confidence / Time In Prison = Tattoos
And here's my equation for this article!!
Ignorance + Fear * Being a Pussy Who's Scared of Pain = Jason Whitlock's Hatred of Inked Skin!!
It's all downhill in the article from this point on. But it's boring and I should wrap this up, so let me summarize.
Jason Whitlock is an insecure pussy who lacks self-confidence and expresses his ignorance of something he doesn't understand even slightly by railing against it with two pages worth of absolutely meaningless rambling that does absolutely nothing to explain why ratings are up during the NBA Playoffs.
Ratings are up because of the Lakers and Celtics, and because of Kobe, LeBron, Chris Paul, Tim Duncan, Pau Gasol, Tony Parker, Manu, etc. Because of a Game 7 in every series. And because there's really no clear-cut favorite this year, it's all up in the air and that's exciting.
Ratings are not up because Rajon Rondo is tattoo-free.
I also think that whether a person likes tattoos or not, something like 95% of people are apathetic to whether or not another person has them. My dad's not a tattoo guy, but he couldn't care a chunk of gorilla poop if the guy who slices his cold cuts has them. He doesn't walk an extra block to buy a paper from someone who hasn't soiled the purity of their skin with a tramp stamp. Who gives a shit!
Jason Whitlock does. And he's certain that you do too.
Over the next couple of weeks you'll hear lots of theories about why TV ratings are surging for the NBA playoffs.
We're heading towards Lakers-Celtics? Chris Paul? LeBron James? Kobe? Tim Duncan? Garnett, Pierce and Ray Allen's rotting remains? The fact that every series has gone 7 games? Everybody holding home court? Tony Parker's appeal to fans of 'Desperate Housewives'?
The NBA has been experiencing a resurgence ever since the Suns traded for Shaquille O'Neal, the Lakers acquired Pau Gasol, the Mavericks got hoodwinked into snagging Jason Kidd and the Cavaliers picked up new spare parts for LeBron.
So this isn't even something that started in the playoffs then. The Shaq/Gasol/Kidd/Zombie Formerly Known as Ben Wallace trades happened months ago.
But there's one issue driving improved ratings that likely won't be touched by all the NBA talking heads on TNT and ESPN.
You think the shitty officiating is improving ratings?
Tattoos. Or rather the lack of tattoos in the conference finals.
Oh yeah, the lack of tattoos! Why didn't I think of... wait... what?!
Part of the reason more people are watching these playoffs is because the average fan isn't constantly repulsed by the appearance of most of the players on the court. Most of the key players left in the playoffs don't look like recent prison parolees.
First off, if Jason Whitlock were white, could he write this without getting fired and beaten with Don Imus? Like literally, someone picking up Don Imus and swinging him like a 7-iron at Jason Whitlock! Recent prison parolees?! Because of some tattoos?
And second, the average fan is repulsed to the point of not watching a game on TV by this? Really?! So if we added up ALL BASKETBALL FANS, and divided them by their sum, what we'd come out with is a guy who doesn't watch basketball because of Allen Iverson? I highly doubt that.
The only accurate way to describe Garnett, Pierce, Duncan, Allen, Manu, Parker and even Kobe is "clean cut."
I don't know if I'd label as being Kevin Garnett "squeaky clean." Have a look. Kind of looks like he wants to commit a random act of violence against a midget... doesn't he?
Yeah, there are a couple of tattoos in that group — Duncan has something on his back, Kobe still has his post-rape-allegation tat
Cue the band!!!!! And make them dances FUNKY BEEEOOOOTCH!!!
It's better for rating to be a rapist than to have tattoos! Kobe has his post-rape allegation tat!! And that's alright! Because not only does nobody mind his tattoo... NOBODY MINDS THAT THERE WERE RAPE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST HIM!!! And why? Because he's fucking terrific at basketball! Before you Laker fans flood me with hate mail, let me say this:
I do understand that Kobe was cleared of wrong-doing and found not guilty, but the entire premise of Jason Whitlock's argument is that people refuse to watch basketball because of their conservative natures. People as a whole, are conservative and hate tattoos, because people with them look like "recent prison parolees."
But these same conservative people have completely forgotten that Kobe Bryant was accused of raping the desk clerk at a hotel in Colorado like an hour and a half ago.
I know many of you probably think the number of tattoos doesn't influence viewing habits.
You're finally speaking to me dude. Now you're going to tell me that you were intentionally exaggerating or just dicking around, right?
You're wrong.
Fuck you! Fuck you for fostering hope where there is none. You are hopeless Jason Whitlock, utterly hopeless. Why don't you go ahead and try to relate this situation to sex in a purely unrelated way.
There's a reason you don't see nude scenes in movies with fat people. Trust me, fat people have sex. It's just no one wants to see it. Not even fat people.
Notice what Jason Whitlock does here. Jason Whitlock is fat, so when he says, "Trust me, fat people have sex", what he's really trying to say is "Trust me, I'm not a virgin." However, I've seen fat guys boning hot chicks. Want proof? Here's proof. He's chunky. And he's boned more hot chicks than you, me, Bill Simmons, Adam Duritz, John Mayer (who has tattoos and therefore will never sell any records) and Jason Whitlock combined. So apparently fat-person sex sells in the porn industry!
No one wants to watch Delonte West or Larry Hughes play basketball.
Because they suck?
It's uncomfortable and disconcerting. You don't want your kids to see it.
Yeah, they're pretty bad at basketball. Larry Hughes had a website dedicated to his suckage. I'd much rather my kid watch Allen Iverson and learn to play the game well.
You don't want your kids to think they should decorate their neck, arms, hands, chest and legs in paint. You don't want to waste time explaining to your kids that some millionaire athletes have so little genuine self-confidence that they find it necessary to cover themselves in tattoos as a way to mask their insecurities.
Fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck. FUCK!!! I thought Jason Whitlock got a clue for a second. He's now generalized the entire business and purpose of tattooing. Here is a scientific look at Jason Whitlock's argument.
Insecurity * Lack of Self-Confidence / Time In Prison = Tattoos
And here's my equation for this article!!
Ignorance + Fear * Being a Pussy Who's Scared of Pain = Jason Whitlock's Hatred of Inked Skin!!
It's all downhill in the article from this point on. But it's boring and I should wrap this up, so let me summarize.
Jason Whitlock is an insecure pussy who lacks self-confidence and expresses his ignorance of something he doesn't understand even slightly by railing against it with two pages worth of absolutely meaningless rambling that does absolutely nothing to explain why ratings are up during the NBA Playoffs.
Ratings are up because of the Lakers and Celtics, and because of Kobe, LeBron, Chris Paul, Tim Duncan, Pau Gasol, Tony Parker, Manu, etc. Because of a Game 7 in every series. And because there's really no clear-cut favorite this year, it's all up in the air and that's exciting.
Ratings are not up because Rajon Rondo is tattoo-free.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Bill Simmons: Boston Superfan!!!
Super Fucking Asshole is more like it. Yeah, lets not sugar coat this. Bill Simmons is a fucking tool. His employment at ESPN is nothing more than further clarification that the "Worldwide Leader in Sports" is little more than a nationally syndicated version of NESN and The Boston Globe rolled into one.
But being a fan and writing for ESPN isn't what makes Bill Simmons a fucking asshole. Here's what makes him a fucking asshole.
The fact that he's not even a good fan. He's not a true, stand-by-my-guys fan. He's your typical front-running butt-fucking bitch when the shit hits the fan.
Just for the sake of background, I have to point out the fact that this guy doesn't write a post about Hockey in like 77 years... except to say that the Boston Bruins are fucking dead to him (in the midst of another of their losing seasons.) Then comes back a couple of weeks ago preaching about how much he loves them... because they're in the playoffs.
In his latest installment, Bill is completely overreacting over the Celtics road playoff failures. Here are some excerpts from the article:
DOC: All right, guys, listen up. I want to go over the game plan so we're clear on everything.
RAY ALLEN: We have a game plan tonight?
A game plan? Walla walla fucking Washington!!! A game plan!! The fucking Celtics won 66 games this year. Whether they did so with or without a game plan is irrelevant I guess... because they won 66 fucking games. With Doc Rivers on the bench. Maybe you're overreacting to a couple of losses.
DOC: Not exactly, Eddie. I know we're something like 61-12 with you as our backup point guard, and I know Sam [Cassell] has been murdering us to the point that one of our owners asked me if he was "The Mole" last week. But let's keep things the way they are for one more game. To be honest, I really enjoy the expression on some of your faces when I don't play you in the first half, then you've checked out of the game mentally and suddenly I'm looking at you and telling you to go in. Let's keep that going as long as we can.
Yup... it's the 32 minutes that Sam Cassell played in 2 games in Cleveland that doomed the Celts. Not the fact that The Big Ticket morphed into Boris Diaw and developed a phobia of the paint. Think you're overreacting?
POSEY: I'm the only Celtic who's won a title other than Sam, so I feel like I know what I'm taking about here. The playoffs are all about matchups. Atlanta didn't have a single guy who could defend KG, but we never really exploited that. Against Cleveland, we should be attacking Szczerbiak with whoever he's guarding; that dude couldn't guard Oprah at this point. When they play Boobie Gibson and Delonte West at the same time, we should be going bigger with Paul [Pierce] at the 2 so he can post those guys up and punish them. When they put Ilgauskas on KG, we should be clearing out for KG so he can just go right by him every time. Big Z moves like a mummy; he can't handle KG facing up. I mean, it's all common sense, right?
Holy shit! James Posey should be the coach!! James Posey is a basketball genius! Why did Miami let this guy go? I bet Pat Riley thought he was after his job!! Wally Szczerbiak couldn't guard Oprah! Hahaha! Silly James Posey! Oprah doesn't play basketball!!! I bet that was a James Posey joke. He's a jokey guy, that James Posey.
PIERCE: Actually, that's not true -- I've only won four playoff series in my entire career.
RAY: Yeah, I'm not a winner, either. I've only made the conference finals once. Even in college, I didn't win. The only big victory I've ever had was the time I housed Denzel in "He Got Game."
KEVIN GARNETT: While we're coming clean, I haven't won anything either -- I've won three playoff series in 13 seasons.
Super fan Bill Simmons... pointing out that the Celtics 3 best players... who he's been raving about for the last 8 months non-stop... are a BUNCH OF FUCKING LOSERS!!!!!!!!! (Which, technically, they are... but they lost two games... not the series... two games. Are we overreacting?)
ALLEN: Yeah, maybe we should stop giving so many interviews about winning until we come through on the road one time.
Did the New England Patriots give this advice to Ray Allen? Sorry... couldn't help but point this out.
ALLEN: Well, let's stop using the phrase "Big Three" then. I'm not that type of player anymore -- really, I'm a spot-up jump shooter and that's it, and if I don't have my legs for a road game, I'm useless. There's not a ton of difference between me and Szczerbiak at this point. Two years from now, they'll be changing my name to "Ray Allen's Expiring Contract" unless somebody gives me a bionic pair of ankles.
Hahahahahaha!!! Ray Allen's Expiring Contract!! If you don't read Bill Simmons, you won't realize it.. but this is a reference to a recurring joke of his. It's been Theo Ratliff's Expiring Contract... and P.J. Brown's Expiring Contract... now it's Ray Allen! He needs bionic ankles!! Go-Go Gadget Kneecaps!!!!! Ho ho ho!!! Ray Allen doesn't belong in the big three! Fuck that guy!! Overreacting? A little? Maybe? A little?
But being a fan and writing for ESPN isn't what makes Bill Simmons a fucking asshole. Here's what makes him a fucking asshole.
The fact that he's not even a good fan. He's not a true, stand-by-my-guys fan. He's your typical front-running butt-fucking bitch when the shit hits the fan.
Just for the sake of background, I have to point out the fact that this guy doesn't write a post about Hockey in like 77 years... except to say that the Boston Bruins are fucking dead to him (in the midst of another of their losing seasons.) Then comes back a couple of weeks ago preaching about how much he loves them... because they're in the playoffs.
In his latest installment, Bill is completely overreacting over the Celtics road playoff failures. Here are some excerpts from the article:
DOC: All right, guys, listen up. I want to go over the game plan so we're clear on everything.
RAY ALLEN: We have a game plan tonight?
A game plan? Walla walla fucking Washington!!! A game plan!! The fucking Celtics won 66 games this year. Whether they did so with or without a game plan is irrelevant I guess... because they won 66 fucking games. With Doc Rivers on the bench. Maybe you're overreacting to a couple of losses.
DOC: Not exactly, Eddie. I know we're something like 61-12 with you as our backup point guard, and I know Sam [Cassell] has been murdering us to the point that one of our owners asked me if he was "The Mole" last week. But let's keep things the way they are for one more game. To be honest, I really enjoy the expression on some of your faces when I don't play you in the first half, then you've checked out of the game mentally and suddenly I'm looking at you and telling you to go in. Let's keep that going as long as we can.
Yup... it's the 32 minutes that Sam Cassell played in 2 games in Cleveland that doomed the Celts. Not the fact that The Big Ticket morphed into Boris Diaw and developed a phobia of the paint. Think you're overreacting?
POSEY: I'm the only Celtic who's won a title other than Sam, so I feel like I know what I'm taking about here. The playoffs are all about matchups. Atlanta didn't have a single guy who could defend KG, but we never really exploited that. Against Cleveland, we should be attacking Szczerbiak with whoever he's guarding; that dude couldn't guard Oprah at this point. When they play Boobie Gibson and Delonte West at the same time, we should be going bigger with Paul [Pierce] at the 2 so he can post those guys up and punish them. When they put Ilgauskas on KG, we should be clearing out for KG so he can just go right by him every time. Big Z moves like a mummy; he can't handle KG facing up. I mean, it's all common sense, right?
Holy shit! James Posey should be the coach!! James Posey is a basketball genius! Why did Miami let this guy go? I bet Pat Riley thought he was after his job!! Wally Szczerbiak couldn't guard Oprah! Hahaha! Silly James Posey! Oprah doesn't play basketball!!! I bet that was a James Posey joke. He's a jokey guy, that James Posey.
PIERCE: Actually, that's not true -- I've only won four playoff series in my entire career.
RAY: Yeah, I'm not a winner, either. I've only made the conference finals once. Even in college, I didn't win. The only big victory I've ever had was the time I housed Denzel in "He Got Game."
KEVIN GARNETT: While we're coming clean, I haven't won anything either -- I've won three playoff series in 13 seasons.
Super fan Bill Simmons... pointing out that the Celtics 3 best players... who he's been raving about for the last 8 months non-stop... are a BUNCH OF FUCKING LOSERS!!!!!!!!! (Which, technically, they are... but they lost two games... not the series... two games. Are we overreacting?)
ALLEN: Yeah, maybe we should stop giving so many interviews about winning until we come through on the road one time.
Did the New England Patriots give this advice to Ray Allen? Sorry... couldn't help but point this out.
ALLEN: Well, let's stop using the phrase "Big Three" then. I'm not that type of player anymore -- really, I'm a spot-up jump shooter and that's it, and if I don't have my legs for a road game, I'm useless. There's not a ton of difference between me and Szczerbiak at this point. Two years from now, they'll be changing my name to "Ray Allen's Expiring Contract" unless somebody gives me a bionic pair of ankles.
Hahahahahaha!!! Ray Allen's Expiring Contract!! If you don't read Bill Simmons, you won't realize it.. but this is a reference to a recurring joke of his. It's been Theo Ratliff's Expiring Contract... and P.J. Brown's Expiring Contract... now it's Ray Allen! He needs bionic ankles!! Go-Go Gadget Kneecaps!!!!! Ho ho ho!!! Ray Allen doesn't belong in the big three! Fuck that guy!! Overreacting? A little? Maybe? A little?
---
In Simmons' defense... he did start this article with a long preamble about how he wrote this immediately after the Celts lost Game 4. And he claims to have a better grip on things... except that he's been playing "The rah-rah fan who casually acknowledges that the team will probably fail every 20 minutes so they can celebrate a win... but say 'I told you so!' if his team loses" for the last 8 months. And before that, he pulled the same shit with the Patriots.
Pick a side of the fence Bill. Don't straddle it so you can be wrong and right at the same time. I know it's difficult when you're writing for a big national media company... and your father is both funnier and more knowledgeable than you. But try your best.
Queef tag added... because Simmons is just that, a fucking queef.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)