Getcha Popcorn!! Mets Analysis!!!

Haha, I stole T.O.'s line! Getcha popcorn! This is actually terrific. Peter Botte at the Daily News did an article called "Ten Ways to Fix the Mets" today. Why is that terrific? Because I wanted to cover this situation, because I've got some ideas on how to fix the Mets too. So go read Pete's ideas if you want... but here are my ideas.

1) Jose Reyes: Here's the problem with Reyes. Teams have figured him out a little bit, and now it's time for him to adjust... except that he's not doing it. He's only 25 (and not related to Miguel Tejada) so this isn't an age/decline issue. It's that pitchers have learned that Reyes will chase the high ball and pop it up. On balls in the air, his speed is 100% negated. He needs to lay off and force them to come down, and then that average and OBP will likely jump another 20-30 points. Also, he needs to stop running every time he gets on base. I don't care how fast you are. If the pitcher and catcher KNOW you're going, they're going to catch you.

2) Aaron Heilman: Heilman never wanted to be a bullpen guy but ended up there because he was a bust as a starter. His trade value is shit right now, he's nearing free agency and he's pitching like shit.

Send him down to AAA, bring up Carlos Muniz for now. Start the process of convering Heilman to a starter again and let him spend the next month or two beating up on AAA hitters, looking good. He wants to start, so the transition will probably amp him up. Tout his improvement and rumor him as the "Mets Rotation Fix" for the second half. In other words, hype him and build up his value. Then see what you can get for him via trade, whether its prospects to replenish the system (assuming the team is 10+ games back by then) or something to help now (> 10 games back).

3) Mike Pelfrey: Pelfrey was overrated from the start and 81 Ks in 143 IP over 3 years = not the power pitcher he was supposed to be. Why? Because there's no movement on his ball... but that's besides the point.

Again, send him down. Let him beat up on AAA hitters and improve his value. By the deadline, you send him to the Cincinatti Reds with a guy like Jon Niese (in the minors) or maybe even Aaron Heilman for Adam Dunn. The Reds want to move Dunn because they can't pay him. The Mets can, and he'd help their offense a LOT.

4) Carlos Delgado: People want to cut his time. Dumb. People want to cut him outright. Also dumb. He's in the last year of his contract, so there are teams that will be willing to take a shot that he comes out of his funk. It might cost some money, but it'll still be less money than it costs to keep or cut Delgado, and maybe you get something useful back. Like maybe Rob Quinlan from Anaheim. Or Ryan Garko from the Indians. Lyle Overbay from Toronto.

In other words, somebody who's a few years younger, who might actually be able to help, because Delgado couldn't suck more if he was a vacuum cleaner with an Iron Man's Arc Reactor powering him.

5) The Outfield: Beltran, Church, Alou, Endy Chavez, Marlon Anderson, Angel Pagan, Brady Clark, Nick Evans, Damion Easley, garbage, trash, garbage. If you make the Pelfrey/Heilman-for-Dunn trade that I suggested... now you've got Beltran, Dunn, Church, Alou in that mix. That's not so bad, especially with Church and Alou platooning and Dunn hitting 40 bombs a year. Every at bat that's taken by Chavez, Anderson, Pagan, Clark, Evans or Easley is another nail in the Mets 2008 coffin.

6) Rotation and Bullpen: Santana and Maine are givens. Claudio Vargas has been decent. Perez should be better than he's been. And hopefully the combination of Pedro and Duque can fill in the blanks. It's the 5-starter, if you can find majors-average innings here, you're okay.

In the pen, Wagner's as good as you're going to get for now (although he should be banned from doing radio shows, and ordered to shut the fuck up forever.) Smith, Feliciano and Schoeneweis are solid arms. Muniz can probably give you good innings out of the minors. Eddie Kunz might also be able to help out of the minors. And why not a guy like Robert Parnell out of the minors as a long-man? Again, it would be better than what's already there.

So to summarize:

• Reyes lays off the high stuff and stops running so much.


• Delgado + Cash for Quinlan/Overbay/Garko/someone with a pulse.


• Heilman + Pelfrey for Adam Dunn


• Church + Alou platooning in the OF with Dunn and Beltran


• Muniz + Kunz + maybe Parnell in the bullpen.


• Billy Wagner is not allowed to talk.

It can all be done within the next 2 months, and if the Mets are still within 7 or 8 games by the time it's all done, they might be able to mount a second-half charge at the overachieving Marlins and the still-sorta-shitty Phillies for the NL East.

I've done my best to be objective here, as I hate the Mets. My original suggestion for fixing them was going to be to disband them... but I tried to think like a GM. Feel free to comment your opinions. And just because I can...

And for the record, this vid was made by an alleged Mets fan... so I'm trying to be gentle with you guys. Scroll down and look at the ones the Cubs and White Sox got... heh.

I Just Love Those Crazy Cohns!!!

I can't help it. I love Lowell and Iggy Cohn. Thank you FJM, thank you SO MUCH for introducing me to them!! Today, Iggy suggests that Lowell has MIND BULLETS! THAT'S FUCKING TELEKINESIS KYLE!!!!!!!



Okay, it's not mind bullets. But it's the ability to make Frank Thomas hit a baseball by suggesting that the Oakland A's cut him. And that's just as good. Here's the article.

The A's should dump Thomas for Bonds. My dad and I have been pushing this idea for weeks. Unfortunately, my dad chose to formally write it up the day Thomas went three for four with two home runs and three RBI. Talk about bad timing.

It's not bad timing Iggy! It's not! Do not mistake coincidence for providence! Morpheus said that in The Matrix so it must be true. There is no coincidence! The Big Hurt hit because your dad talked smack about him!!!

No doubt A's fans think my dad is a hack and maybe worse things.

Why would anybody think that? Could it have something to do with the fact that you guys write like a couple of drunken circus freaks?!

But I'm his son and his business partner, and for fear of being cut out of the will I'm going to defend him.

So basically, you're agreeing that your dad's a hack? You're a real shithead Iggy.

Beane stresses stats over chemistry, Bonds is the epitome of stats over chemistry, Beane should sign Bonds.

I guess that depends on what kind of 'chemistry' you're talking about. From what I hear, Bonds has worked with some great chemists in his day. Maybe Bonds is the epitome of stats-because-of-chemistry.

Furthermore, the implications that syllogism raises due to the fact that Beane hasn't signed Bonds are interesting. Should we believe the things Beane says? Is his money ball doctrine more a construct of Michael Lewis than the boy genius himself? Thought provoking questions, to say the least.

If Beane signs Bonds, then Beane is a jerkface asshole who cares more about stats than people and hearts and flowers and starving children in Guatemala. If Beane doesn't sign Barroid, then Moneyball is a figment of our imaginations and Billy Einstein is a phony, and his team is actually run by the computer from the movie War Games! Hey Iggy, you're a San Fran fan. Who wins more? The Giants? Or that douchebag phony Billy Beane and his A's? Okay, so shut the fuck up.

Blah blah blah for the next 9 paragraphs of witty anecdote about how impressed people are that Iggy is, in fact, the son of Lowell Cohn, except that nobody seems to like Lowell at all, because even in San Francisco, everybody thinks he's a terrible hack.

Then we get to the goods!! THE ABILITY TO KILL A YAK FROM... wait... I already linked the Wonderboy video...

Iggy lists off how because Dad wrote negative shit about Mike Nolan, Barry Zito and Al Davis that the following will happen.

Nolan will lead the 49ers to the playoffs and win coach of the year.

I guess this could happen without voodoo magic. The 49ers don't totally suck. They were 5-11 last year, but they ARE in a Division with Seattle, St. Louis and Arizona and somebody has to win that thing, right?

Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing!

I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks.

I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.

The Raiders will win the Super Bowl in 2008, Al Davis will win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Fire Lane Kiffin and live to 112.

Okay, so this one will probably happen. Right after this does...