Fire Bill Simmons.com?

Should I just change the name of the blog to that? It's hard to believe, but he's at it again. This one's from the Magazine, and it's little more than more nationally syndicated Boston-centric arrogance. Never before, has a fan seemed to take so much pride and credit in the accomplishments of a team. He talks about the Sox and Celtics World Championships as though he's accomplished something by having been born in Boston.

This entire article is about the fact that he's got "nowhere to go but down."

Remember when Hugh Grant was arrested for soliciting a prostitute while he was dating Elizabeth Hurley?

Hey Simmons, that happened on June 27, 1995. In case you're bad with numbers, that was over 13 years ago. No Bill Simmons, I do NOT remember tabloid pop-culture happenings from 13+ years ago. Well, actually I do... but I don't talk about them like they're recent news, or write entire articles centered around imaginary rules that I made up because of them.

At the time, I, like every other red-blooded male, tried to put myself in Hugh's sullied shoes.

Yeah Bill, we all did it. Thirteen years ago. Do you have a point? Lets just skip ahead to your 10+ year old imaginary rule. Maybe you can work a fantasy league joke into this. Or the Ewing Theory.

After climbing Mount Everest—"Hey, I have my pick of hotties!"—he simply couldn't figure out what to do next.

Dude... what's your problem with Divine Brown? Maybe Hugh wanted some dark meat. Is that so fucking bad? Or are you just appalled by this because she's black, and you're a typical Bostonian fucking racist? It was 13 years ago. Shut the fuck up.

What does any of this have to with anything?

I'm glad you asked, because you're starting to frustrate me.

In the days following an improbable Celtics title, two questions have gnawed at me:

Am I a homosexual? And does anyone, anywhere, actually like me anymore? Wishful thinking Mr. Six, wishful thinking.

1. Have I peaked as a sports fan?

No, you haven't. My Yankees won 4 championships from 1996-2000. My Giants just ruined the perfect season of your Patriots. And my Rangers broke their championship drought only a year or so before Hugh Grant hooked up with Divine Brown. There's no such thing as "peaking" as a sports fan... because a sports fan DOESN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING. We drink beer and watch games. That's it. Fans don't hit free agency. We don't decline with age. WE'RE NOT ON THE FUCKING TEAM!!!!!

2. Am I headed for a Hugh/Divine moment?

Yes Bill, you are. You're going to go out tomorrow night, get drunk at some dive in Los Angeles and wake up next to someone who looks like this. There's nowhere to go but down for you... but that has nothing to do with your sports fandom or imaginary team-alliance. It's just because you're an asshole.

Remember, I'm a Sawx fan.

Jesus fucking Christ, Bill. Do you think anybody, anywhere has forgotten that? Especially if we still remember who Hugh Grant fucked 13+ years ago?

You know who's silently nodding their heads right now? New York Giants fans. They know they'll never beat the experience of rooting for a double-digit underdog that improbably terminated a bid for a perfect season in the Super Bowl.

I'm not nodding. I'm stifling the urge to vomit. The next time the Yankees win a championship, it'll be better than that Super Bowl. The next time any team I pull for wins a ring, it'll beat that Super Bowl... because it'll be happening "NOW" instead of "IN THE PAST." Whatever's happening in the present always feels sweeter than what's happened in the past. That's life.

And another thing, I love the Giants and the Yankees. I love the Knicks and Rangers too, but aren't there more important things in life? I do things in MY LIFE every day that beat "the experience of rooting for a double-digit underdog that improbably terminated a bid for a perfect season in the Super Bowl." A promotion at work beats the shit out of that. Taking my girlfriend to a Broadway show tops it. Dragging my little brother to his first Yankee game and smacking him in the head with a rolled up program until he stops insisting he's a Mets fan totally outranks it.

Point is, Bill, that we have real lives. We have marriages, divorces, births, deaths, taxes, rising gas prices and STDs. As great as it feels when one of my teams wins a championship, it's really not the biggest thing that happens in our lives in any given year. Our lives don't peak or crash based on a box score.

If yours does, maybe you should seek professional help. Like some kind of counselling or something.

And for the record, you don't have to worry about a Divine Brown moment. She wouldn't fuck you anyway. You think she's going to go from Hugh Grant to Bill Simmons?

Come on... the Cincinnati Bengals would have to win back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back Super Bowls for her to be due to crash to your level.

My first (Hat)Post!

For those of you who've been to FJM, either by my rampant promotion of them, or just because you know your way around the net and found it yourself, you'll know this guy. His name is Mike Celizic, aka Hat Guy. I've been dying to write something of Hat Guy's up for months now, and I finally have the chance, so suffice to say, I'm a happy (Hat) guy! And better still... because Mr. Hat's article involves Jessica Simpson... the blue links will probably bring you to pictures of her, which is always nice. So here we go...

There should be great rejoicing in Dallas at the news that Tony Romo has told gal pal Jessica Simpson that it’s been a fun summer, but now it’s time for football.

Most people probably don't care, because most people probably aren't dumb enough to believe that it's her fault the Cowboys lost to the Giants. Then again, we are talking about Texans here... so maybe I'm wrong and Mr. Hat is right. Yeah, lets go with that. Lets blame the Cowboys loss on this.

Simpson probably isn’t used to hearing that there is something in the world more important than she is.

She doesn't strike me as self-obsessed, a little ditzy for sure, but not a complete self-absorbed bitch.

It’s not anything most women, let alone a famous actress and singer, want to hear from their men.

Ahh, makes more sense now. This is more along the lines of "misogynistic comment from a guy who hasn't been fucked since he served that stint in prison for stealing hats" than "an attack on Jessica Simpson because... well... she probably can't read and thus won't see it."

Quarterbacks, not even famous ones playing for the legendary Dallas Cowboys, don’t have time for romances with high-maintenance celebrities. Look at Tom Brady, the other swinging NFL bachelor quarterback.

*Head scratch* Umm... wha? Oh, okay I understand. The word "not" screws this entire sentence. Now I understand Mr. Professional Hat-Wielding Journalist. So how many NFL Quarterbacks have you spoken to? You know... to verify your poorly-stated findings? None? Ahh, okay. And yes, lets look at Tom Brady. The Tom Brady who was in NY playing with his super-model girlfriend the week before the Super Bowl... in which he played poorly...and in which his team lost. The difference? Pats fans blame their Offensive Line. And Matt Walsh.

His girlfriend is a famous model, Gisele “The Brady” Bundchen, but she doesn’t have an ego that needs constand feeding. (Misspelling is his)

Gisele "The Brady" Bundchen? Number one... that's not even slightly funny. And number two, Chris Berman is on the phone with his lawyers right now. He's made a 30+ career out of shitty nickname jokes and you can't just shit all over his trademark Mr. Celizic!! How would you like it if Chris Berman started wearing a hat?

They spend time together usually without anyone even being aware he’s in New York staying over.

Or maybe his fans are smart enough to understand that he doesn't have a bad game because he's distracted by his girlfriend. Whereas George Carlin once said that the best thing about the Death Penalty in Texas is... less Texans.

Guys like Peyton Manning and Bret Favre like to have everything in order. So they get married young, and they usually stay married. And they marry good, solid women who understand that they’re not just wives but also a support team.

There you have it. They figure it's best to get all that stupid family shit out of the way early so they can concentrate on football. In fact, most NFL Quarterbacks have arranged marriages. It works sort of like this:

Dan Marino: Hey coach...
High School Coach: Yes, young Dan Marino?
DM: I'm thinking that I need to get marriage out of the way before life gets messy.
HSC: Probably a good idea, young Dan!
DM: So here's what I want. I want you to find me a woman... but not just any woman. A good, solid woman!!
HSC: Good, check. Solid, check. Strong on plow too?
DM: Yeah, strong on plow. But you know... a woman who understands that she's a support team, and that football comes ahead of things like having children and loving each other.
HSC: So I'm looking for a good, solid woman who's strong on plow and doesn't mind that you don't love her or want to spend time with her. Got it. Shouldn't be too hard.

And the ones who don’t get married sort of dabble in romance, like Brady, but without letting the relationship get in the way of football.

Except for that time that he was limping around NY with Gisele the week before the Super Bowl, which his team lost. Or the time when he dumped his baby mama, and dragged all that baby mama drama around with him for several months.

Romo seemed a different case. His last girlfriend was another high-profile actress, Jennifer Anniston. Then it was Simpson, who came with her very involved – some would say meddling – father, Joe, and her sister and the whole Simpson clan.

1) Her name is spelled Jennifer Aniston, with only one N, got that Mike Spelizic?!
2) Tony Romo never dated her. His last high-profile actress was Carrie Underwood, not Jennifer Aniston. Did you fact-check any of this Hat Guy?
3) Joe Simpson's a little crazy. Ashlee Simpson's married with a kid (maybe) on the way. How much of a headache can she possibly be? Has anybody heard anything about anybody else in that family? Like ever?

Cowboy fans decided she was bad luck, which is a little harsh.

Then why are you writing this article Mr. Top Hat? And if the 2008 Cowboy's failings are the fault of Jessica Simpson and bad luck, then who are the blaming for 2007, when he couldn't take a fucking snap? Maybe Romo is just a choke artist.

And now they’re back together, except he’s concentrating on football first and if he’s got some spare moments, she’s welcome to come over and watch him study game film.

Tony, Jessica, do yourselves a favor and check outside your window. In the bushes, there must surely be a man in a hat. He's watching you. He knows what you do when you're alone... or maybe he's talking out his ass again, like when he misspelled Jennifer Aniston's name while insisting (wrongly) that she's dated Tony Romo.