Contrary to Popular Belief!!!

In direct contradiction to every stereotype to ever exist about men...

Here is proof that guys find a girl with a brain sexy.

The fact of the matter is that the only people who specifically want to date retarded women, are retarded men. So yeah, if we're talking about dating trends among inbred, West Virginians... then IQ's probably not very high on the list.

However, if we're talking about big cities or even suburban life... having something to talk about is definitely high on the list. Not as high up the list as nice tits... but pretty high.

The point is this ladies. Now would be a good time to go get yourself a library card. Don't trade your gym membership for it... but having both might be a good idea.

Unless you wanna date this guy. And you're gonna have to fight Pam for him.

Bad Joke on Bad Joke Crime!!

Yes, I'm going to bitch about something from ESPN Page 2. Yes, I realize that D.J. Gallo, Mike Philbrick and David Schoenfield intend this shit as humor. Well, it's hacky, terrible, un-funny humor and it needs to be punished.

According to the Dallas Morning News and about 97 percent of the esteemed members of the blogosphere, Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson are done.

Am I reading a sports website? Or the latest issue of US Weekly? Do sports fans really give a fat baby's dick about this? I think most smart football fans are sitting at home and praying that Jessica Simpson hooks up with Rick Salomon and he spills out a sex tape, but until it happens, who cares!

Here are a few suggestions for No. 9's next piece of arm candy.

Here's a run-down of the suggestions.

1. President Bush's daughter - She's from Texas.
2. Roger Clemen's wife - See Joke #1.
3. Nick Lachey's other ex - Duh.
4. Lauren Conrad - Insert hacky joke about "game" film... oh, you already did.
5. Old actress from 'Dallas' - Logistical similarity to fictious character.
6. Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders - See Joke #1.
7. Minka Kelly - See Joke #5.
8. Lohan - Because making fun of drunks is funny! Silly alcoholic!!
9. Jessica Biel - Jeter and Timberlake hit it. Which is funny because...
10. Star Jones - Star in name + Star on helmet = Funny Joke! LOL!
11. Marisa Miller - Will make Tom Brady jealous!
12. Tom Brady's ex - See Joke #11.
13. Tila Tequila - Tequila -->Mexican -->Romo in Mexico w/Jessica-->Big Laughs
14. Roger Clemens' side-piece - See Joke #1. Insert tacky reference to McCready being preyed on by a pedophile.
15. LeBron's Mom - Always classy to make fun of a guy's mother. And funny. Classy funny.
16. Tampa Bay Rays Third Baseman - Point out similarity to Eva Longoria's name + Make completely unrelated Ronaldo reference = Double Joke, mother fucker!!!

So to recap, 16 suggestions for a new girlfriend for Tony Romo.

Six jokes about Texas, the Cowboy's uniform or the sport Romo plays, four women over 50, at least two chicks that Roger Clemens has boffed, at least two chicks that Tom Brady has boffed, a drunk, a victim of pedophilia and a man. Zero viable suggestions, negative 37 laughs.

And if not for Heath Ledger's recent passing, you can be damned certain there would have been at least 11 Brokeback Mountain jokes.

D'Antoni Is Wrong for the Knicks?

Today I get a real treat. I get to talk about one of my hometown teams and an article from my hometown paper! One great thing about the New York Daily News, is that there's no shortage of stupidity to be found within it.
(Actually, there is a "shortage" of stupidity, and his name is Mike Lupica... but for more on that, check out http://www.enough-lupica.com/)

Onto the premise of things though. Mitch Lawrence thinks Donnie Walsh is an idiot for hiring Mike D'Antoni. Mitch Lawrence is so certain of this, that he's invented a really witty nickname for Donnie Walsh. Bold Donnie. Bold Donnie? Bold Donnie!

Note to self: Bold = Nice way to call someone an asshole.


(Note, that's not me. And probably not you.)

Bold Donnie strikes again.

We get it Mitch, you think he's an asshole. I already explained it.

Mike D'Antoni coaching the Knicks? What's next, trading for Shaquille O'Neal to come in and play point guard?

D'Antoni : Coach = Shaq : Point Guard? These two things are very clearly similar. Plus this is topical, because Shaq got traded to the Suns this year. And D'Antoni was the coach of the Suns! This might actually work! Shaq played in D'Antoni's system, he's been around Nash a little, and aside from the fact that he's 7'2", 685 lbs, and can't dribble or shoot, he'd probably create mismatches all over the place.

Here's a better one: Make D'Antoni the GM of the Knicks, too.

You mean so he can trade for and sign guys suited to play into his system? That's a very intelligent suggestion, but you were being sarcastic, weren't you Mitch? You cheeky little monkey.

Even Walsh has to look at a reduced role now. His drafts and signings at Indiana over the better part of a quarter of a century reflected the old NBA way of thinking (incidentally, the kind that keeps producing championships, but why let facts get in the way of a good fantasy?).

Donnie Walsh is Old School. Mike D'Antoni is not. Old School wins Championships. Cut. And. Dry. Suck on that you New School pricks.

Just for the sake of reference, I'm going to break this down in a way that's easily understandable.
Number of Teams Playing D'Antoni's Style: 2 (Suns, Raptors)
Number of Team-Seasons teams have played D'Antoni's Style: 5 (Suns - 4, Raptors - 1)
Playoff Appearances: 5
Championships: 0

Number of Teams Playing "Old School": All of the other ones.
Number of Team-Seasons teams have played "Old School": 5,234,230,921,928,289
Playoff Appearances: Roughly 27% of all teams in the history of the NBA, with roughly 73% of them missing the playoffs.
Championships: All of them.

Seems to me, Mitch, that the reason "Old School" wins Championships... is because that's all ANYBODY ELSE PLAYS according to you. Your analogy implies that there are two types of basketball: "Old School" and "D'Antoni School" (which sounds like a culinary arts academy.)

The Showtime Lakers? The Phil Jackson Triangle Offense-driven Bulls Teams? You're telling me that these aren't different from say... the hard-nosed defense, team-first approach of the San Antonio Spurs? You're skating on thin ice Mitch Lawrence.

The Knicks are now a new-wave team, so they had better adjust on all fronts and go all the way with this.

New Wave? Okay, lets go with New Wave. Here are some ways to adjust to being New Wave. The Knicks are no longer a basketball team. They're an 80's ska band.

Diaw is D'Antoni's kind of player: a soft, finesse convertible type who can play 17 positions and defend none.

Diaw is really soft. He missed 11 games last season because his pussy hurt and 5 more because he was really bloated. The 17 positions he can play are: Shooting Guard, Small Forward, Power Forward, Center, Left Field, Goalie, Striker, Left Outside Linebacker, Shortstop, Catcher, Doggie Style, 69, Administrative Assistant, Punter, Reverse Cowgirl, and Porn Fluffer.

The smiles you see are from NBA officials who now will get their wish of having the Knicks draft the "next Dirk Nowitzki" out of Outer Mongolia.

Really? Who is he! That would be an excellent player for the Knicks to grab up. Although I think they'll probably take Derrick Rose if he's there for them.

Here's what this comes down to. Everybody's pointing out that the Knicks don't have any players who can play D'Antoni's style, aside from maybe Nate Robinson, Jamal Crawford, David Lee, Renaldo Balkman and Wilson Chandler. Curry and Randolph can't run, their tits will jiggle too much.

The better question is: How many of these guys can play "Old School" basketball? How many of them can play defense? None. NONE!!

N. O. N. E.

So what's better? Having 4 or 5 guys who can play into the system? Or none? D'Antoni's won without defense for the last 4 years. The Knicks have lost playing "Old School" for the last 700 years. Why not try something new?

Blog-on-Blog Crime!!

Do you know who Ted Robinson is? Yeahhhhhh, you do. That play-by-play guy. He writes a blog over at MSNBC. And he's telling us how some of baseballs big name signings are working out so far. Lets just say there's a reason he's a play-by-play guy and not an analyst.

PASSING WITH FLYING COLORS

KOSUKE FUKUDOME: He came a lot cheaper to the Cubs than last year’s marquee signing, Alfonso Soriano, and he will probably be a better overall offensive player by season’s end.

Hahaha. Fukudome. Fuck-You-Do-Me!! Fuck-you-dome!! That guy's name reminds me of Eddie Murphy!!



Hahaha, fuck youuuuuuu Eddie!! Fuck youuuuuu do me!!!! What was I talking about? Ted Robinson! I remember!! Fukudome has one homer in 121 at bats. That .322/.415/.463 is probably going to come down... and when it does, Fukudome is going to look like a pretty average player.

Soriano is good for 30+ homers and 40+ doubles every year. If his legs are healthy, he's going to steal some bases, and if stupid ass Lou Pinella would sober up and get him out of the leadoff spot, he'd probably drive in 100+ runs like he did when he batted 5th in Texas in 2005.

TOM GLAVINE: Nothing outstanding but exactly what the Braves expect from a 42-year-old Hall of Famer -- steady pitching that lives up to today’s demands that starters “keep their team in the game.”

If Glavine's "nothing outstanding" then why is he filed under "Passing with Flying Colors"? Sounds more like "Holding His Own" or "Surviving because he's a Lefty".

EDGAR RENTERIA: He is hitting for Detroit but can he calm concerns over diminished range?

Again... passing with flying colors? He's hitting enough... but he has shitty range. Sounds like he's doing a great job.

HOLDING THEIR OWN

ERIC GAGNE: Some horrific blown saves are buttressed by sturdy outings including an impressive appearance Thursday at Wrigley Field, the site of his Opening Day nightmares. He’s still throwing in the 91-93 mph range.

Umm... what? Are we talking about the Eric Gagne who's blown 5 saves in the first month of the season? The Eric Gagne with a 1.705 WHIP? The Eric Gagne who's allowed 4 gophers in his first 15 innings this year? He's holding his own... yeah. Mmmkay.

IN DANGER OF FAILING

ANDRUW JONES: Overweight and sluggish at the plate, he told all in the spring not to worry. Well, 29 strikeouts in his first 88 at-bats equal full-blown worry.

Admittedly, "In Danger of Failing" is as bad as it gets here. Maybe Ted Robinson is taking into account that you can't judge a guy based on the first month of the year. However, Jones played baseball like The Living Dead last year... which cost him a gabillion dollars. So what does Jones do? He goes to the Dodgers, gets even fatter and plays even worse. I've said it before, I'll say it again. Andruw Jones is done.

Where Should I Start?

I know exactly where to start...

Ned Colletti (the GM of the Dodgers) is a complete fucking moron. He continues signing washed up veterans to expensive contracts, not only bloating his payroll, but blocking his young players from breaking into the big leagues.

You're the Dodgers. You have Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, James Loney, Delwyn Young and a slew of young prospect-type players. Tons and tons of cheap, controllable players with talent out the wazoo. You can mix a few savvy vets (Jeff Kent, Rafael Furcal, Derek Lowe, etc.) in there, and just win with those kids. If you're a GM, how can you possibly fuck this up?

Well, you could spend $91M on 8 years of Juan Pierre and Jason Schmidt... but that's old news.

Here's a great idea! Lets give $18M to Andruw Jones! You know, to reward him for getting fat and slow and looking disinterested in the game of baseball in 2007! And in the process, let's block those prospects from getting playtime!

That's right. Matt Kemp (.324/.348/.495) and Andre Ethier (.303/.388/.465) have to battle for playing time with the corpse of Andruw Jones (.163/.274/.255) and Juan Pierre (who's actually out to a nice start). Delwyn Young gets to ride pine.

For those of you waiting for Andruw Jones to break out of his slump... I hate to disappoint you, but it's not going to happen. You heard it here. Andruw Jones is fucking DONE. Why do I say that? Here's why...

The guy costs himself untold millions of dollars by having a shitty walk year. He's LUCKY that there's a sucker like Colletti to give him a one-year deal worth as much money as he got. So you'd figure he's motivated to show teams that he still wants to play, right?

Wrong. He comes to Dodger camp wearing a fucking D-Cup bra. Okay, not literally, but you get the picture. Fatter and more lethargic than ever. That's why Ethier and Kemp are losing at bats. So that $62 Million Dollars worth of .330 OBP Juan Pierre and 330 Lbs. of Andruw Jones can kill the Dodgers.

I know Frank McCourt (the Dodgers Owner) was pissed about hiring a smart guy who used numbers and computers and shit (Paul DePodesta) and not winning... but to swing a 180 and hire a schmuck like Colletti and stand by him as he literally shits out dollars on the remains Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Schmidt, Andruw Jones, Juan Pierre and Esteban Loaiza... Jesus Hfucking Christ!!

I mean... what did DePodesta do that was so fucking wrong? Paul Lo Duca, Juan Encarnacion and Guillermo Mota for Brad Penny and Hee Seop Choi? He signed Derek Lowe, J.D. Drew and Jeff Kent.

Kent and Lowe aren't amazing, but they're signed to reasonable contracts, and they're solid players. Drew kind of fucked the Dodgers over, but for the two years he was there, he performed... and now he's doing Coco Crisp impersonations in Boston. So what's the problem?

Hey McCourt... this is what happens when you fire your GM on the advice of a sentence-fragment poet like Bill Platschke.

You go from having a guy who can mug Brad Penny from the Marlins for a juicer and a statutory rapist...to a guy who inks the post-mortem 2002 All-Star Team.