Here's the thing. I did my best not to hurl my political views at you guys during the election season. And there were a few reasons for this.
1) It's not really what I'm here for. I'm here to try to make you laugh by likening the NL West to a bunch of guys swinging Screech Dildos, not to attempt to influence your voting habits.
2) I wasn't exactly thrilled with the choices in this election, again.
3) I'm not exactly a credible, authoritative source on the topic of politics.
Now that the election is over though, I'll fill you guys in on something. My guy lost. Yup, I was a McCain supporter. I won't get into why, as again, that's not what I'm here for. So, why the big lead-in? And why the sudden decision to touch politics?
Sarah is forcing my hand. She's shooting off her mouth about, who else, BLOGGERS!!!! So, how will the failed vice presidential hopeful go about bashing the haphazard interactive gangbang known as the blogosphere? What carefully crafted digs will she take at it? How will this "educated, intelligent woman" go about making her point? Keep in mind, she just ran, unsuccessfully, for the second highest office in the nation.
A few days after she called McCain campaign staffers "cowards" for criticizing her anonymously, Palin dismissed some of her critics on the other side as "bloggers in their parents' basement just talking garbage."
Booyah!! In their parents' basement just talking garbage!!! GOTCHA FUCKERS!!!! Jesus Hfucking Christ!!! Such innovation, such craft!! It's as though she's able to see right through us all!!! I give up. I can no longer blog. Blogging is dead. Upon it's headstone, the words...
In Their Parents' Basement Just Talking Garbage. - Sarah Palin
You know, while I was sitting in my mom's basement, just talking garbage on the internet the other day, I learned something new. Wanna know what it is?
Africa is actually a continent!! It's not just a group of states all mushed together to the south of Europe!! It's a continent!! LIKE AUSTRALIA!!! Did you know that Sarah Palin? What? You didn't? Well, I guess that's okay... I mean, those crazy scientists are changing their minds about what makes something a continent all the time, right?
Wait, what? They're not? Africa's been a continent FOREVER?! And everybody learns about the 7 continents in grade school? Well, shucks Sarah! I guess you should have known that then, huh?
Know what else I learned on Al Gore's Internets (TM) the other day? That the Vice President, doesn't, in fact "run the Senate" and can't "really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes." You told me that the Vice President does those things.
But everybody else says that the Vice President can really only cast the tie-breaking vote for the Senate. And since the Senate never "ties," that's basically one of the most scarcely used powers in American Government.
So wait a second. You were running for Vice President... and you didn't even know what the Vice President is Constitutionally allowed and/or required to do?
That reminds me of the time that I applied for a job as the Head Nurse at a hospital... because I thought that my job would be to get head from all the nurses! They actually called me in for an interview, and wouldn't you believe it? They started asking me all these lame medical questions and told me that I'd probably have to give sponge baths to old men. Can you believe that shit?!
I was all like, look dude, I'm just here to get blown by chicks in nurse costumes while swigging from my trusty flask of gin. You know, because nothing is more sophisticated than a flask of gin. Except for a top hat. But whatever. They called security. And it went on my permanent record.
But back to the topic at hand. Sarah Palin. Hating bloggers.
Here's the really funny thing Sarah. This is a relatively small blog. It's only been written for a little over 3 months. And in those three months, this relatively small, obscure sports-themed blog has received 54,000 views. So using some simple mathematics, we can deduce, that over a full year, at a consistent rate of viewership, this small, obscure blog will receive 216,000 views.
The high point of your political career came in 2006, when you beat Tony Knowles to win your job as the Governor of Alaska. And in that election, you received a grand total of 114,697 votes.
Again, using simple mathematics, we can learn that my small, obscure, irrelevant blog, which is written from my parents' basement... will receive 101,303 more views in a year... than you received votes to be governor. Let me break it down further, just in case you're missing my point.
My readership is bigger than the electorate of your entire fucking state, you beauty pageant bimbo. And nobody had to buy me a $150,000 wardrobe.
Moreso, you are the single greatest reason that John McCain lost this fucking election. You are a complete imbecile who lacks the most basic understanding of grade school curriculum, no less American Government.
And you seriously believe that the Republican Party is going to let you run on your own ticket in 2012? Who do you think you are? Hillary Clinton? Why don't you try spending a little more time raising your skanky trailer trash family, and a little less time swilling brewskis with Joe Sixpack and pretending to posses a fully functioning brain. You're not fooling anybody.
Your candidacy in this election was a scam. It was an attempt to lure women and disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters over to the Republican ticket. And it might even have worked, if you could have just kept your stupid fucking mouth shut and looked pretty.
Instead, you talked... and talked... and talked... and looked mavericky... and talked... and got made fun of by Tina Fey... and talked... and talked... and looked mavericky... and talked... and exposed your completely empty cranium on the world stage. You're Dan Quayle with tits.
Things Sarah Palin Can Look Forward To:
1) Being Governor of Alaska.
2) The Cover of Playboy.
3) Being a great Grandmother by age 50 when her trailer trash daughter's trailer trash daughter gets knocked up at age 12.
Things Sarah Palin Should Not Hold Her Breath Waiting for:
1) The Start of her Campaign for President of the United States of America.
I'm Mister Six, and I approve this message.
Showing posts with label Interactive Gangbang. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Interactive Gangbang. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Hot Topic: Things the New York Yankees Should Not Do This Off-Season...
The New York Daily News' sports cover today involved the New York Yankees and two pitchers: Jake Peavy and Carl Pavano.
The early word is that Brian Cashman is interested in cutting a deal to bring Pavano back around for another couple of years. That seemed like a really stupid idea, until I realized the following:
a) Pavano would probably only be re-signed to a bargain basement type of deal.
b) There's no way Cashman's dumb enough to actually rely on the guy. He'd sit on his ass in AAA and wait for a call as a spot starter.
So I guess, why the hell not, right? Sure, bring Carl back for another year!! But that got me thinking... what kind of things should the Yankees avoid doing at all costs? So I'm going to make a list.
1) Do not sign A.J. Burnett.
He's going to opt out. He's going to be looking for $16-18 Million per, for about 4 or 5 years. And in his 10 year career, he's made 30+ starts a grand total of twice. People are turned on by Burnett's 18 wins in 2008... but those people seem to be overlooking a couple of key numbers. Burnett's 105 ERA+ indicates that he was really only slightly better than league average... and his 1.342 WHIP is downright scary. To put this lightly, 18 wins from Burnett last year was fluky and will not be repeated any time soon. Just to be clear, we all realize that Burnett walked 86 guys last year, right? That's Oliver Perez/Barry Zito-type wildness. If that number jumps any higher, Burnett will earn the right to use the surname "Zambrano."
Still, the Yankees might go there, especially because of their long-standing tendency for going after guys who own them. In 11 career starts against the Yankees, Burnett's thrown 77 innings of 2.43 ERA baseball. To you and I, this is fluky, small sample size-type stuff that doesn't mean very much.
To a couple of kids who were raised by George Steinbrenner, I fear it could mean much more. I guess if they grab Burnett and re-sign Pavano, those dudes can chill together on the DL.
2) Do not re-sign Bobby Abreu.
What?! Doesn't that go against everything Mister Six usually digs? Guys with high OBPs? Patient hitters who take a ton of pitches? Busty Japanese girls dressed up as vampire schoolgirls for Halloween (no, I couldn't find a picture, but this will do)?
Yes, it does go against my usual beliefs, but here's why. Abreu is declining. He was solid last year, but not amazing. His BB have dropped a couple of years in a row. He's not getting any better. And there's really no room for him in my plans. I'd much rather see Nady in RF, and either Manny Ramirez or Adam Dunn in Left Field.
Manny's a freak of nature, pure and simple. I went into this yesterday.
And the case for Adam Dunn seems to be a series of sixes. He's six years younger than Abreu. He's drawn 100+ walks for 6 straight years. And he's hit 40+ homers and driven in 100+ runs in 6 straight years. Sure, Adam Dunn strikes out a lot... but because he strikes out a lot, he's hit into 14 double plays in the last 2 years combined. Abreu rolled in 14 last year alone, and 25 for the last 2 years. So in a twisted sort of way, it evens out.
3) Don't get any bright ideas about guys like Casey Blake.
Brian Cashman's usually good about this sort of thing. He doesn't usually fall into the "grit/hustle/heart" trap that lures lesser GMs to sign guys like David Eckstein, Eric Byrnes and Darren Erstad to inflated contracts despite statistical evidence that states that they're not very good at baseball, and probably won't stay healthy. Cashman's not usually the kind of guy who's out there looking to sign the next Scott Brosius.
Scottie, if you happen to browse over this, I'm not attacking you. Well... now that I look at the numbers, I guess I'm kinda going to attack you. After 1998, you weren't very good. And speaking of 1998... how did you get caught stealing 8 times in 19 attempts? That's terrible!! What idiot kept giving you the green light? You were a lot of things... but fleet of foot, you were not. Maybe somebody'll bring that up during Joe Torre's Bestest Manager in the World Induction Ceremony. "Hung Brosius out to dry 8 times in 1998. Pioneered Ozzie Guillen's Smartball Technique, where a team scores runs by getting slow-footed runners caught stealing."
Back to Casey Blake. How do I put this lightly? Casey Blake sucks at baseball. He didn't make it as a full-time guy until he was 29. Over a full season, he's going to hit about 20 homers, he's going to walk about 11 times, strike out about 120 times, and get on base about 10% less than Mark Teixeira. People are talking about Blake as a first baseman. He's played 105 out of 950 career games there. Adam Dunn has seen more games at first base than Casey Blake... and hits twice as many homers. And gets on base more. And has a cool nickname. Big Donkey. The Big Donkey vs. The Big Father, David Ortiz (sorry, I don't speak Spanish.)
4) Don't sign Derek Lowe.
I talked about this already. So I'll try to summarize.
Lowe is 35.
He pitches in the worst hitting division in baseball.
He's coming off the second-best season of his career.
And his best year since he won 21 in Boston in 2002.
And he's 35.
And pitches in the NL West.
Where instead of bats, people swing replica Dustin Diamond sex-toys.
5) Don't deal Robinson Cano or Phil Hughes.
Hughes was the top-rated pitching prospect in the country. For a while. That kind of potential doesn't fizzle out because of some minor, naggy-type injuries. Johan Santana didn't start dominating until he was 25. Josh Beckett dealt with naggy-type injuries until about the same time. Sabathia really showed what he was about at 26.
Phil Hughes is going to be 23. It's too early to give up on him. Period.
Robinson Cano is 25. He's a career .303/.335/.468 hitter. He has developing power. He struggled last year, which means one of two things. Either... he's a fluke who will never produce again.... or he had a bad year after signing a big contract extension. We should examine that over the next year, and make a determination regarding which it is.
My guess is, Cano bounces back, bats .300/.350/.500 with 40+ doubles, 20+ homers, and 90+ RBIs. The question is... would you rather him do that in New York or San Diego?
If the Padres really want to deal Jake Peavy, offer them an all-you-can-eat-buffet of second-tier prospects. Brett Gardner, Melky Cabrera, Alan Horne, Darrel Rasner, Dellin Betances, Andrew Brackman, Humberto Sanchez, anybody named Duncan, Juan Miranda... Ian Kennedy?
No Hughes. No Cano. No Jesus Montero. No Chamberlain. And no Austin Jackson.
Peavy's coming from the NL West (See: Derek Lowe), so in the AL East, there's a pretty good chance that his ERA's going to bump up by about a run and a half... and if it does, do we really want to watch Phil Hughes winning 20 games a year pitching in the AAAA NL West?
The early word is that Brian Cashman is interested in cutting a deal to bring Pavano back around for another couple of years. That seemed like a really stupid idea, until I realized the following:
a) Pavano would probably only be re-signed to a bargain basement type of deal.
b) There's no way Cashman's dumb enough to actually rely on the guy. He'd sit on his ass in AAA and wait for a call as a spot starter.
So I guess, why the hell not, right? Sure, bring Carl back for another year!! But that got me thinking... what kind of things should the Yankees avoid doing at all costs? So I'm going to make a list.
1) Do not sign A.J. Burnett.
He's going to opt out. He's going to be looking for $16-18 Million per, for about 4 or 5 years. And in his 10 year career, he's made 30+ starts a grand total of twice. People are turned on by Burnett's 18 wins in 2008... but those people seem to be overlooking a couple of key numbers. Burnett's 105 ERA+ indicates that he was really only slightly better than league average... and his 1.342 WHIP is downright scary. To put this lightly, 18 wins from Burnett last year was fluky and will not be repeated any time soon. Just to be clear, we all realize that Burnett walked 86 guys last year, right? That's Oliver Perez/Barry Zito-type wildness. If that number jumps any higher, Burnett will earn the right to use the surname "Zambrano."
Still, the Yankees might go there, especially because of their long-standing tendency for going after guys who own them. In 11 career starts against the Yankees, Burnett's thrown 77 innings of 2.43 ERA baseball. To you and I, this is fluky, small sample size-type stuff that doesn't mean very much.
To a couple of kids who were raised by George Steinbrenner, I fear it could mean much more. I guess if they grab Burnett and re-sign Pavano, those dudes can chill together on the DL.
2) Do not re-sign Bobby Abreu.
What?! Doesn't that go against everything Mister Six usually digs? Guys with high OBPs? Patient hitters who take a ton of pitches? Busty Japanese girls dressed up as vampire schoolgirls for Halloween (no, I couldn't find a picture, but this will do)?
Yes, it does go against my usual beliefs, but here's why. Abreu is declining. He was solid last year, but not amazing. His BB have dropped a couple of years in a row. He's not getting any better. And there's really no room for him in my plans. I'd much rather see Nady in RF, and either Manny Ramirez or Adam Dunn in Left Field.
Manny's a freak of nature, pure and simple. I went into this yesterday.
And the case for Adam Dunn seems to be a series of sixes. He's six years younger than Abreu. He's drawn 100+ walks for 6 straight years. And he's hit 40+ homers and driven in 100+ runs in 6 straight years. Sure, Adam Dunn strikes out a lot... but because he strikes out a lot, he's hit into 14 double plays in the last 2 years combined. Abreu rolled in 14 last year alone, and 25 for the last 2 years. So in a twisted sort of way, it evens out.
3) Don't get any bright ideas about guys like Casey Blake.
Brian Cashman's usually good about this sort of thing. He doesn't usually fall into the "grit/hustle/heart" trap that lures lesser GMs to sign guys like David Eckstein, Eric Byrnes and Darren Erstad to inflated contracts despite statistical evidence that states that they're not very good at baseball, and probably won't stay healthy. Cashman's not usually the kind of guy who's out there looking to sign the next Scott Brosius.
Scottie, if you happen to browse over this, I'm not attacking you. Well... now that I look at the numbers, I guess I'm kinda going to attack you. After 1998, you weren't very good. And speaking of 1998... how did you get caught stealing 8 times in 19 attempts? That's terrible!! What idiot kept giving you the green light? You were a lot of things... but fleet of foot, you were not. Maybe somebody'll bring that up during Joe Torre's Bestest Manager in the World Induction Ceremony. "Hung Brosius out to dry 8 times in 1998. Pioneered Ozzie Guillen's Smartball Technique, where a team scores runs by getting slow-footed runners caught stealing."
Back to Casey Blake. How do I put this lightly? Casey Blake sucks at baseball. He didn't make it as a full-time guy until he was 29. Over a full season, he's going to hit about 20 homers, he's going to walk about 11 times, strike out about 120 times, and get on base about 10% less than Mark Teixeira. People are talking about Blake as a first baseman. He's played 105 out of 950 career games there. Adam Dunn has seen more games at first base than Casey Blake... and hits twice as many homers. And gets on base more. And has a cool nickname. Big Donkey. The Big Donkey vs. The Big Father, David Ortiz (sorry, I don't speak Spanish.)
4) Don't sign Derek Lowe.
I talked about this already. So I'll try to summarize.
Lowe is 35.
He pitches in the worst hitting division in baseball.
He's coming off the second-best season of his career.
And his best year since he won 21 in Boston in 2002.
And he's 35.
And pitches in the NL West.
Where instead of bats, people swing replica Dustin Diamond sex-toys.
5) Don't deal Robinson Cano or Phil Hughes.
Hughes was the top-rated pitching prospect in the country. For a while. That kind of potential doesn't fizzle out because of some minor, naggy-type injuries. Johan Santana didn't start dominating until he was 25. Josh Beckett dealt with naggy-type injuries until about the same time. Sabathia really showed what he was about at 26.
Phil Hughes is going to be 23. It's too early to give up on him. Period.
Robinson Cano is 25. He's a career .303/.335/.468 hitter. He has developing power. He struggled last year, which means one of two things. Either... he's a fluke who will never produce again.... or he had a bad year after signing a big contract extension. We should examine that over the next year, and make a determination regarding which it is.
My guess is, Cano bounces back, bats .300/.350/.500 with 40+ doubles, 20+ homers, and 90+ RBIs. The question is... would you rather him do that in New York or San Diego?
If the Padres really want to deal Jake Peavy, offer them an all-you-can-eat-buffet of second-tier prospects. Brett Gardner, Melky Cabrera, Alan Horne, Darrel Rasner, Dellin Betances, Andrew Brackman, Humberto Sanchez, anybody named Duncan, Juan Miranda... Ian Kennedy?
No Hughes. No Cano. No Jesus Montero. No Chamberlain. And no Austin Jackson.
Peavy's coming from the NL West (See: Derek Lowe), so in the AL East, there's a pretty good chance that his ERA's going to bump up by about a run and a half... and if it does, do we really want to watch Phil Hughes winning 20 games a year pitching in the AAAA NL West?
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Something That Really Shocks Me!!
A lot of things have happened in the world over the last 24 hours, there have been some very important developments, but none that rocked the very fabric of my being quite the way that this news did.
I just want to say that I never saw this coming. Clay Aiken is gay?! You have to be kidding me!! He's so masculine!! I mean, for me, Clay Aiken has always embodied what it means to be a heterosexual male!! What will our society do, now that this pillar of machismo has fallen?
I'm predicting that there will be riots, and that the NFL will go on strike, as hundreds of gridiron jocks are left without their last great male role model.
What's next guys? Chuck Norris in the emergency room with a gerbil up his ass? I just don't know what to do now that Clay Aiken is gay.
Okay, enough of the sarcasm. I just checked with one of my co-workers about this, and we both thought that Aiken came out of the closet a couple of months ago. Personally, I thought that was the reason Aiken was on American Idol to begin with.
And in other news, I'm bored.
If you're reading this post, you should drop me a line and say hello. Talk to me, seriously. I want to know who you crazy bastards are!! So go to your e-mail of choice, and write something, and send it to primeoffense@yahoo.com. Or I will never forgive any of you.
I just want to say that I never saw this coming. Clay Aiken is gay?! You have to be kidding me!! He's so masculine!! I mean, for me, Clay Aiken has always embodied what it means to be a heterosexual male!! What will our society do, now that this pillar of machismo has fallen?
I'm predicting that there will be riots, and that the NFL will go on strike, as hundreds of gridiron jocks are left without their last great male role model.
What's next guys? Chuck Norris in the emergency room with a gerbil up his ass? I just don't know what to do now that Clay Aiken is gay.
Okay, enough of the sarcasm. I just checked with one of my co-workers about this, and we both thought that Aiken came out of the closet a couple of months ago. Personally, I thought that was the reason Aiken was on American Idol to begin with.
And in other news, I'm bored.
If you're reading this post, you should drop me a line and say hello. Talk to me, seriously. I want to know who you crazy bastards are!! So go to your e-mail of choice, and write something, and send it to primeoffense@yahoo.com. Or I will never forgive any of you.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Just a Quick Note...
More like a quick ass-kiss, actually.
The guys at FireJoeMorgan.com actually linked one of my posts yesterday. They were in the process of systematically destroying Bruce Jenkins, because yes, there are still morons that think pitch-counts are bad for the game.
So yeah, I just wanted to say thanks to the guys at FJM for noticing the post and using my stuff. Especially now that I have a reason to believe that they're aware of my existence. Those dudes are my sports-journalism fucking heroes.
Tags are possible ways that I'll be celebrating. Thanks again to Buzz Bissinger for the "Interactive Gangbang" tag. It's a gift that really does keep on giving.
The guys at FireJoeMorgan.com actually linked one of my posts yesterday. They were in the process of systematically destroying Bruce Jenkins, because yes, there are still morons that think pitch-counts are bad for the game.
So yeah, I just wanted to say thanks to the guys at FJM for noticing the post and using my stuff. Especially now that I have a reason to believe that they're aware of my existence. Those dudes are my sports-journalism fucking heroes.
Tags are possible ways that I'll be celebrating. Thanks again to Buzz Bissinger for the "Interactive Gangbang" tag. It's a gift that really does keep on giving.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The 100th Post!! Not a Placemarker Any More... I'm Just Stupid.
Grats to Me!!! My 100th post is now up and complete!!!! Hooray!! Or something.
So here's what we're checking out. It was covered by Sports By Brooks and says that, apparently, people are buying the sperm of former athletes from sperm banks, in the hope that their kids will have athletic prowess. This is fucked up on so many levels that I don't know where to start... so I'm not even going to get into that aspect of it.
My big question is... what kind of athlete is selling his love sauce to sperm banks? I came up with a few names, and I'm going to try to fill out a list here.
1) Rickey Henderson - "You're the best Rickey!! Just think about it Rickey!! Now there can be 10 Rickeys!!! ONE HUNDRED RICKEYS!! Rickey can be his own team!!! Rickey will never have to lose because who could possibly beat a whole team of Rickey?"
2) Jose Canseco - Come on, like you weren't thinking the same thing? The better question is... after all the roid's he's done, how much sperm could he possibly get out of those shriveled up little balls? Sammy Davis, Jr.'s got a bigger payload, and he's been dead for almost 20 years.
3) Adam "Not Pacman" Jones - Although in this case, he's not the one selling it to the Spooj House. The strippers are actually sapping it up with bar towels and squeezing it out into shot glasses shortly after he makes it rain.
4) Shaq - He'd actually be doing the NBA a service here. Seriously. If he's not doing this, he should. It's the only way the Knicks are ever going to get a decent center.
5) Kobe Bryant - Because once he hears that Shaq's doing it, he'll feel compelled to try to do it better.
6) Elijah Dukes - Dude's 24. Dude's got 5 kids already. Dude's first two kids were born 8 days apart. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bullshittin', dawg. Oops... sorry, that's part of the voicemail Dukes left for one of his baby mommas.
7) Latrell Sprewell - The best way for Spree to feed his kids, is by selling the genetic material to create about 700 more kids.
8) Shawn Kemp - When wikipedia says that you've fathered "at least seven children" but apparently can't be sure... you make this list. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N*gga, all I know is, n*gga, when I see your muthafuckin' ass riding, dawg, it's on. God dammit, somebody hit stop on the Dukes tape!!!
9) Alex Rodriguez - From what I've heard, he used to charge Cynthia for the stuff. He really doesn't believe in giving away ANYTHING that somebody will pay for. I'm actually pretty sure you can buy baracks of his Casper Army at his Merch Tent at Spring Training. Yeah, Casper looks like jizz, doesn't he?
10) Anthony Merino - A quarterback for the semi-pro Empire State Titans, Merino was arrested after security guards found him having sex with the corpse of a 92-year-old woman in the New Jersey hospital at which he was a lab technician. I have no joke here. No joke at all.
So here's what we're checking out. It was covered by Sports By Brooks and says that, apparently, people are buying the sperm of former athletes from sperm banks, in the hope that their kids will have athletic prowess. This is fucked up on so many levels that I don't know where to start... so I'm not even going to get into that aspect of it.
My big question is... what kind of athlete is selling his love sauce to sperm banks? I came up with a few names, and I'm going to try to fill out a list here.
1) Rickey Henderson - "You're the best Rickey!! Just think about it Rickey!! Now there can be 10 Rickeys!!! ONE HUNDRED RICKEYS!! Rickey can be his own team!!! Rickey will never have to lose because who could possibly beat a whole team of Rickey?"
2) Jose Canseco - Come on, like you weren't thinking the same thing? The better question is... after all the roid's he's done, how much sperm could he possibly get out of those shriveled up little balls? Sammy Davis, Jr.'s got a bigger payload, and he's been dead for almost 20 years.
3) Adam "Not Pacman" Jones - Although in this case, he's not the one selling it to the Spooj House. The strippers are actually sapping it up with bar towels and squeezing it out into shot glasses shortly after he makes it rain.
4) Shaq - He'd actually be doing the NBA a service here. Seriously. If he's not doing this, he should. It's the only way the Knicks are ever going to get a decent center.
5) Kobe Bryant - Because once he hears that Shaq's doing it, he'll feel compelled to try to do it better.
6) Elijah Dukes - Dude's 24. Dude's got 5 kids already. Dude's first two kids were born 8 days apart. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bullshittin', dawg. Oops... sorry, that's part of the voicemail Dukes left for one of his baby mommas.
7) Latrell Sprewell - The best way for Spree to feed his kids, is by selling the genetic material to create about 700 more kids.
8) Shawn Kemp - When wikipedia says that you've fathered "at least seven children" but apparently can't be sure... you make this list. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N*gga, all I know is, n*gga, when I see your muthafuckin' ass riding, dawg, it's on. God dammit, somebody hit stop on the Dukes tape!!!
9) Alex Rodriguez - From what I've heard, he used to charge Cynthia for the stuff. He really doesn't believe in giving away ANYTHING that somebody will pay for. I'm actually pretty sure you can buy baracks of his Casper Army at his Merch Tent at Spring Training. Yeah, Casper looks like jizz, doesn't he?
10) Anthony Merino - A quarterback for the semi-pro Empire State Titans, Merino was arrested after security guards found him having sex with the corpse of a 92-year-old woman in the New Jersey hospital at which he was a lab technician. I have no joke here. No joke at all.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The Braves Are Ready to Make Their Run Now!!!!
Yes indeed! The Atlanta Braves are ready to make their run at a playoff spot now that they've ridded themselves of the awesomeness of Mark Teixeira!!
His .283/.390/.512 with 20 homers and 78 RBI was absolutely crushing their chances.
But now that they've dumped that bum, and replaced him with gritty, awesome Casey Kotchman and his much more average .287/.327/.448 (with 12 homers and 54 RBI), they can get back to their winning ways!! Although, just to be clear, Kotchman is no Scott Thorman!!
I point this out only because of yesterday's article, where it was pointed out that since the acquisition of Teixeira, the Braves winning percentage had actually dropped from like .521 to .482 as though that was Texy's fault.
I just want to say though, if there are any aspiring GMs out there, always know that the best way to improve your team and build a winner is to get rid of anybody with an EqA above .300. In Tex's case, he's at .305 right now, and that's terrible. It's not a team-first number.
Casey Kotchman's 2008 EqA of .260 is a much more team-first number. It builds a sense of unity in your clubhouse when guys are of the understanding that everybody on their baseball team is equally average. It forces them to all depend on one-another, because nobody is good enough to single-handedly carry the team.
When you have talent on your team... guys like Pujols, A-Rod, Teixeira, Utley, etc., the prevailing wisdom in the clubhouse is that it's okay to just clog up the basepaths and wait for the 3-run homer. Many believe that this is the fault of A's GM, Billy Beane. Ever since he wrote MoneyBall, people seem to want talented players on their team.
But not the Braves. Nope!! They're building on guys who can be replaced by Miguel Cairo. That's why they were so fucking awesome for so long.
Or maybe it had something to do with Maddux, Smoltz and Glavine. Shit, I don't know now.
His .283/.390/.512 with 20 homers and 78 RBI was absolutely crushing their chances.
But now that they've dumped that bum, and replaced him with gritty, awesome Casey Kotchman and his much more average .287/.327/.448 (with 12 homers and 54 RBI), they can get back to their winning ways!! Although, just to be clear, Kotchman is no Scott Thorman!!
I point this out only because of yesterday's article, where it was pointed out that since the acquisition of Teixeira, the Braves winning percentage had actually dropped from like .521 to .482 as though that was Texy's fault.
I just want to say though, if there are any aspiring GMs out there, always know that the best way to improve your team and build a winner is to get rid of anybody with an EqA above .300. In Tex's case, he's at .305 right now, and that's terrible. It's not a team-first number.
Casey Kotchman's 2008 EqA of .260 is a much more team-first number. It builds a sense of unity in your clubhouse when guys are of the understanding that everybody on their baseball team is equally average. It forces them to all depend on one-another, because nobody is good enough to single-handedly carry the team.
When you have talent on your team... guys like Pujols, A-Rod, Teixeira, Utley, etc., the prevailing wisdom in the clubhouse is that it's okay to just clog up the basepaths and wait for the 3-run homer. Many believe that this is the fault of A's GM, Billy Beane. Ever since he wrote MoneyBall, people seem to want talented players on their team.
But not the Braves. Nope!! They're building on guys who can be replaced by Miguel Cairo. That's why they were so fucking awesome for so long.
Or maybe it had something to do with Maddux, Smoltz and Glavine. Shit, I don't know now.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Maybe He Did a Papel-Bong Hit...
Obviously I'm a Red Sox-hater. I should probably clarify my stance on 'The Rivalry' at some point anyway, so I'll just touch on it briefly here.
I'm not exactly a Sox-hater. I'm well-aware of the history of both of these teams. I love the game of baseball and pride myself on being somewhat knowledgeable about it. And some of the best conversations about the sport that I've ever had, have been with Red Sox fans.
Every team, especially the Sox and the Yankees, have their bandwagon fans. Those guys know nothing about the team, they're arrogant, they're cocky, and they make everybody look bad. That's probably 80+% of the people who claim to be Yankee fans, and at least 75% of the guys who have "membership cards to Red Sox Nation" and shit. I fucking hate bandwagon fans.
But on to the good stuff.
"My wife is pregnant and she's getting her life threatened. It's frigging stupid," Papelbon said during an expletive-laced session with reporters. "I feel like I needed to be in a bullet-proof car."
Shit man!! That's fucked up!! Did Jonathan Papelbon just visit Iraq to distribute kittens to the soldiers or something?
Ohhhh... he was at the parade in New York City yesterday!! Wait.. what? Umm... dude, your wife didn't get her life threatened. Stop exaggerating and stop being a stupid cunt. Your wife got boo'd. Are we really supposed to cry you a river about this?
Nobody rushed the vehicle. Nobody threw anything at you. This celebration wasn't NEARLY as raucous as the one that occurred after Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS, which is to say that while fans in BOSTON might feel it's necessary to kill someone as a means of celebration...
Yankee fans have a pretty good track record over the last 12 years, seeing as they watched their team win 4 World Championships... and didn't KILL anybody. So seriously dude, shut the fuck up. People are entitled to boo you. You're a tool.
"I don't really give a shit anymore," he said. "If I don't even fucking pitch, I don't care."
Just for the record... if Papelbon didn't fucking pitch, the AL probably wouldn't have needed 15 innings to win the game. Especially with Billy "We Are Gonna Need Extra Runs" Wagner on the hill for the NL.
I'm not exactly a Sox-hater. I'm well-aware of the history of both of these teams. I love the game of baseball and pride myself on being somewhat knowledgeable about it. And some of the best conversations about the sport that I've ever had, have been with Red Sox fans.
Every team, especially the Sox and the Yankees, have their bandwagon fans. Those guys know nothing about the team, they're arrogant, they're cocky, and they make everybody look bad. That's probably 80+% of the people who claim to be Yankee fans, and at least 75% of the guys who have "membership cards to Red Sox Nation" and shit. I fucking hate bandwagon fans.
But on to the good stuff.
"My wife is pregnant and she's getting her life threatened. It's frigging stupid," Papelbon said during an expletive-laced session with reporters. "I feel like I needed to be in a bullet-proof car."
Shit man!! That's fucked up!! Did Jonathan Papelbon just visit Iraq to distribute kittens to the soldiers or something?
Ohhhh... he was at the parade in New York City yesterday!! Wait.. what? Umm... dude, your wife didn't get her life threatened. Stop exaggerating and stop being a stupid cunt. Your wife got boo'd. Are we really supposed to cry you a river about this?
Nobody rushed the vehicle. Nobody threw anything at you. This celebration wasn't NEARLY as raucous as the one that occurred after Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS, which is to say that while fans in BOSTON might feel it's necessary to kill someone as a means of celebration...
Yankee fans have a pretty good track record over the last 12 years, seeing as they watched their team win 4 World Championships... and didn't KILL anybody. So seriously dude, shut the fuck up. People are entitled to boo you. You're a tool.
"I don't really give a shit anymore," he said. "If I don't even fucking pitch, I don't care."
Just for the record... if Papelbon didn't fucking pitch, the AL probably wouldn't have needed 15 innings to win the game. Especially with Billy "We Are Gonna Need Extra Runs" Wagner on the hill for the NL.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Curt Schilling... Hall of Famer?
Probably not, right? But if it's even remotely possible, Red Sox Nation Media Affiliate, ESPN will push the idea as early and as often as humanly possible.
If you ever doubted that ESPN is, as a whole, a card-carrying member of Red Sox Nation, all you need do is look at Page 2 of late, and read over the 7,402 articles (I didn't count, but I'm pretty sure it's 7,402, give or take a couple) sucking off the ref-slanted Celtics series victory over the Lakers.
It's been the same kind of interactive gangbang following Sox championships and Patriots championships, with Bill Simmons writing 17 entries a week to express nothing other than his arrogant fanboy drivel. Lately Jim Caple's getting into the mix. DJ Gallo and Patrick Hruby are crusading against those bastard "bandwagon Cubs" fans.
I wonder what Jemele Hill's up to... oh wait... she's still on suspension for likening Celtics fans to Nazi's. Which sorta makes me wonder if she's in trouble for the offensive nature of her statements... or because it was directed at Boston fans specifically.
But back to Schilling. We'll get to the numbers in a minute... Jayson Stark thinks Schill in the Hall is debatable. Rob Neyer thinks he's a lock.
And as for the Baseball Tonight crew?
Buster Olney: "you've got to look at his incredible post-season record! 11-2!!!"
Which means that we're inducting Curt Schilling based on 19 post-season starts. I guess that means there's a pretty good case for Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez too then, right? I mean, he's 9-3 with a 2.55 Post-Season ERA!! And he's won 3 rings! The same as Schilling!! Who cares if he's 210 wins short of the criteria that EVERY OTHER PITCHER has to conform to!?! LOOK AT THOSE POST-SEASON NUMBERS!!!
Orestes Destrade: If Schilling is a Hall of Famer, then so is Orel Hershiser!
Good point!! Great point!! Similar to my El Duque point... except that Destrade keeps going... as though to say that they BOTH belong in the Hall of Fame... and again, no... they do not.
Now for the numbers. Schilling is 216-146 for his career with 3116 strikeouts, a 3.46 ERA. Here are some guys with very similar numbers to these...
Kevin Brown: 211-144, 3.28 ERA
Bob Welch: 211-146, 3.47 ERA
Orel Hershiser: 204-150, 3.48 ERA
Mike Mussina: 260-149, 3.71 ERA
David Cone: 194-126, 3.46 ERA
Are these guys Hall of Famers by your estimation? Because if Schilling's in, the Mussina should be a lock, right?
Now take this into account: Before Schilling went to Boston, he was sitting at 163-117. He's gone 53-29 behind an team that's ranked 1 or 2 in pretty much every major statistical category for the entire time he's been there.
Shouldn't that be considered? Isn't that part of the reason that Mike Mussina's not a Hall of Famer? Because he's won 113 games behind the Yankees robust offense?
All in all, no. Curt Schilling is abso-fucking-lutley not a Hall of Famer. His numbers come up short in a few categories, and with exception to a period of 3 years between Arizona and his first year in Boston (which might well have been PED-Fueled), he's never been among the best in the game. Not to mention the fact that he's one of the biggest fucking blowhards to ever write a blog, and I somehow feel as though the entire blogosphere has been contaminated by it. So I'm a biased asshole too.
If you ever doubted that ESPN is, as a whole, a card-carrying member of Red Sox Nation, all you need do is look at Page 2 of late, and read over the 7,402 articles (I didn't count, but I'm pretty sure it's 7,402, give or take a couple) sucking off the ref-slanted Celtics series victory over the Lakers.
It's been the same kind of interactive gangbang following Sox championships and Patriots championships, with Bill Simmons writing 17 entries a week to express nothing other than his arrogant fanboy drivel. Lately Jim Caple's getting into the mix. DJ Gallo and Patrick Hruby are crusading against those bastard "bandwagon Cubs" fans.
I wonder what Jemele Hill's up to... oh wait... she's still on suspension for likening Celtics fans to Nazi's. Which sorta makes me wonder if she's in trouble for the offensive nature of her statements... or because it was directed at Boston fans specifically.
But back to Schilling. We'll get to the numbers in a minute... Jayson Stark thinks Schill in the Hall is debatable. Rob Neyer thinks he's a lock.
And as for the Baseball Tonight crew?
Buster Olney: "you've got to look at his incredible post-season record! 11-2!!!"
Which means that we're inducting Curt Schilling based on 19 post-season starts. I guess that means there's a pretty good case for Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez too then, right? I mean, he's 9-3 with a 2.55 Post-Season ERA!! And he's won 3 rings! The same as Schilling!! Who cares if he's 210 wins short of the criteria that EVERY OTHER PITCHER has to conform to!?! LOOK AT THOSE POST-SEASON NUMBERS!!!
Orestes Destrade: If Schilling is a Hall of Famer, then so is Orel Hershiser!
Good point!! Great point!! Similar to my El Duque point... except that Destrade keeps going... as though to say that they BOTH belong in the Hall of Fame... and again, no... they do not.
Now for the numbers. Schilling is 216-146 for his career with 3116 strikeouts, a 3.46 ERA. Here are some guys with very similar numbers to these...
Kevin Brown: 211-144, 3.28 ERA
Bob Welch: 211-146, 3.47 ERA
Orel Hershiser: 204-150, 3.48 ERA
Mike Mussina: 260-149, 3.71 ERA
David Cone: 194-126, 3.46 ERA
Are these guys Hall of Famers by your estimation? Because if Schilling's in, the Mussina should be a lock, right?
Now take this into account: Before Schilling went to Boston, he was sitting at 163-117. He's gone 53-29 behind an team that's ranked 1 or 2 in pretty much every major statistical category for the entire time he's been there.
Shouldn't that be considered? Isn't that part of the reason that Mike Mussina's not a Hall of Famer? Because he's won 113 games behind the Yankees robust offense?
All in all, no. Curt Schilling is abso-fucking-lutley not a Hall of Famer. His numbers come up short in a few categories, and with exception to a period of 3 years between Arizona and his first year in Boston (which might well have been PED-Fueled), he's never been among the best in the game. Not to mention the fact that he's one of the biggest fucking blowhards to ever write a blog, and I somehow feel as though the entire blogosphere has been contaminated by it. So I'm a biased asshole too.
Contrary to Popular Belief!!!
In direct contradiction to every stereotype to ever exist about men...
Here is proof that guys find a girl with a brain sexy.
The fact of the matter is that the only people who specifically want to date retarded women, are retarded men. So yeah, if we're talking about dating trends among inbred, West Virginians... then IQ's probably not very high on the list.
However, if we're talking about big cities or even suburban life... having something to talk about is definitely high on the list. Not as high up the list as nice tits... but pretty high.
The point is this ladies. Now would be a good time to go get yourself a library card. Don't trade your gym membership for it... but having both might be a good idea.
Unless you wanna date this guy. And you're gonna have to fight Pam for him.
Here is proof that guys find a girl with a brain sexy.
The fact of the matter is that the only people who specifically want to date retarded women, are retarded men. So yeah, if we're talking about dating trends among inbred, West Virginians... then IQ's probably not very high on the list.
However, if we're talking about big cities or even suburban life... having something to talk about is definitely high on the list. Not as high up the list as nice tits... but pretty high.
The point is this ladies. Now would be a good time to go get yourself a library card. Don't trade your gym membership for it... but having both might be a good idea.
Unless you wanna date this guy. And you're gonna have to fight Pam for him.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Best Paid Benchwarmers?
I love comments. And I love e-mails (primeoffense@yahoo.com). And this is your chance to do one or the other.
Forbes released a list of the Best Paid Benchwarmers in Sports. I'm gonna focus mainly on the baseball end of this... because I think they missed a lot of guys who belonged on this list. Here's what they came up with:
1) Dave Roberts ($6.5M)
2) Jacque Jones ($6.3M)
3) Jay Payton ($5M)
4) D-meat-hook Young ($5M)
5) Frank Catalanotto ($4M)
Well how about the following guys? How do they miss this cut?
Carl Pavano is making $11M this year to not pitch for the Yankees.
Brandon Inge is on the books for $6.2M and it is his job to watch Miguel Cabrera hack it up at third base.
Coco Crisp makes $5M as a 4th outfielder without a bat.
Gary Matthews, Jr. is Anaheim's Coco Crisp... only for $9.4M this year.
Juan Pierre's making $8M this year. And Nomar Garciaparra is making $9.5M. Do I need to say more?
Who am I forgetting here? There's got to be a lot more of these guys... I thought it was a joke that Frank Catalanotto made a top 5... because his salary is only slightly above the major league average... I knew there had to be worse guys out there. There are probably more.
So please, give me your opinions on this. I want to know who you think is stealing money from your team. Lets make an Interactive Gangbang out of this topic!!!!!
Forbes released a list of the Best Paid Benchwarmers in Sports. I'm gonna focus mainly on the baseball end of this... because I think they missed a lot of guys who belonged on this list. Here's what they came up with:
1) Dave Roberts ($6.5M)
2) Jacque Jones ($6.3M)
3) Jay Payton ($5M)
4) D-meat-hook Young ($5M)
5) Frank Catalanotto ($4M)
Well how about the following guys? How do they miss this cut?
Carl Pavano is making $11M this year to not pitch for the Yankees.
Brandon Inge is on the books for $6.2M and it is his job to watch Miguel Cabrera hack it up at third base.
Coco Crisp makes $5M as a 4th outfielder without a bat.
Gary Matthews, Jr. is Anaheim's Coco Crisp... only for $9.4M this year.
Juan Pierre's making $8M this year. And Nomar Garciaparra is making $9.5M. Do I need to say more?
Who am I forgetting here? There's got to be a lot more of these guys... I thought it was a joke that Frank Catalanotto made a top 5... because his salary is only slightly above the major league average... I knew there had to be worse guys out there. There are probably more.
So please, give me your opinions on this. I want to know who you think is stealing money from your team. Lets make an Interactive Gangbang out of this topic!!!!!
Girls Gone Wild! You're Doing It Wrong!!!
Check this out guys...
It had to be a chick from New York, didn't it? Smoking on a plane, bitchslapping flight attendants and spewing racial slurs like a Lohan on Crystal Meth!
They're saying she had 2 beers in the airport and 3 'vodka drinks' on the plane. So five drinks. If this bitch got that nuts on five drinks, I'm DYING to see what she'd do during a full night at a crazy, fucked up bar.
If you're Christina Szele, or you know her, or whatever, point her in this direction. Christina, I'm hereby inviting you out to Coyote Ugly's for a night of drunken antics. The night will be entirely on me, but I'll give you fair warning that anything that happens will be written about the next day.
And before anybody gets their brain broken over it, NO, I'm not looking to get lucky with a drunk chick. That's not how I roll (plus I'm happily taken). I just kinda want to see some train-wreck chick getting fucked up and starting the Royal Rumble on top of the bar.
It had to be a chick from New York, didn't it? Smoking on a plane, bitchslapping flight attendants and spewing racial slurs like a Lohan on Crystal Meth!
They're saying she had 2 beers in the airport and 3 'vodka drinks' on the plane. So five drinks. If this bitch got that nuts on five drinks, I'm DYING to see what she'd do during a full night at a crazy, fucked up bar.
If you're Christina Szele, or you know her, or whatever, point her in this direction. Christina, I'm hereby inviting you out to Coyote Ugly's for a night of drunken antics. The night will be entirely on me, but I'll give you fair warning that anything that happens will be written about the next day.
And before anybody gets their brain broken over it, NO, I'm not looking to get lucky with a drunk chick. That's not how I roll (plus I'm happily taken). I just kinda want to see some train-wreck chick getting fucked up and starting the Royal Rumble on top of the bar.
Interactive Gangbangs and The First Amendment!
Right off the bat, you're better off reading the coverage of what I'm gonna talk about at FireJoeMorgan.com. They're funnier and more professional and shit than I am. So click that link, read that, laugh and come back...
Junior at FJM basically nailed this one on the head. I really only have one thing to add.
“The younger generation likes the snarky tone,” says Bissinger. “They like the gossip, they like the juice. I don’t think they really appreciate good writing and reporting, and those, to me, are precious arts. . . . It’s all some interactive gangbang.”
Interactive gangbang! Hey Buzz, I don't know if you've ever BEEN to an actual gangbang, but let me tell you, it's a pretty interactive process. I was at this one gangbang with Darryl Strawberry, Steve Howe and the cast of 'Friends' this one time in 1995. Darryl brough the cocaine and autographed Wally Backman baseballs for all of us. It was a great night and lemme tell you, there's a REASON that Jennifer Aniston's a star and it's related to the reason that the first half of her name is so similar to the word anus.
He's my summation on this topic.
There are people who are good at everything. And there are people who are bad at everything.
There are good blogs, like FJM and Deadspin. And there's this blog right here.
While FJM is the David Halberstam of snarky blogging, I'm probably closer to the Mike Lupica.
That doesn't make blogging bad or wrong or evil.
Buzz Bissinger's logic is akin to getting rid of the sport of baseball because Michael Jordan was a shitty player and saying, "Come on! He's fucking AMAZING at Basketball! THE ENTIRE SPORT OF BASEBALL IS CLEARLY THE FUCKING PROBLEM!!! BASEBALL IS FULL OF SHIT!!!"
Junior at FJM basically nailed this one on the head. I really only have one thing to add.
“The younger generation likes the snarky tone,” says Bissinger. “They like the gossip, they like the juice. I don’t think they really appreciate good writing and reporting, and those, to me, are precious arts. . . . It’s all some interactive gangbang.”
Interactive gangbang! Hey Buzz, I don't know if you've ever BEEN to an actual gangbang, but let me tell you, it's a pretty interactive process. I was at this one gangbang with Darryl Strawberry, Steve Howe and the cast of 'Friends' this one time in 1995. Darryl brough the cocaine and autographed Wally Backman baseballs for all of us. It was a great night and lemme tell you, there's a REASON that Jennifer Aniston's a star and it's related to the reason that the first half of her name is so similar to the word anus.
He's my summation on this topic.
There are people who are good at everything. And there are people who are bad at everything.
There are good blogs, like FJM and Deadspin. And there's this blog right here.
While FJM is the David Halberstam of snarky blogging, I'm probably closer to the Mike Lupica.
That doesn't make blogging bad or wrong or evil.
Buzz Bissinger's logic is akin to getting rid of the sport of baseball because Michael Jordan was a shitty player and saying, "Come on! He's fucking AMAZING at Basketball! THE ENTIRE SPORT OF BASEBALL IS CLEARLY THE FUCKING PROBLEM!!! BASEBALL IS FULL OF SHIT!!!"
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