Here's the thing. I did my best not to hurl my political views at you guys during the election season. And there were a few reasons for this.
1) It's not really what I'm here for. I'm here to try to make you laugh by likening the NL West to a bunch of guys swinging Screech Dildos, not to attempt to influence your voting habits.
2) I wasn't exactly thrilled with the choices in this election, again.
3) I'm not exactly a credible, authoritative source on the topic of politics.
Now that the election is over though, I'll fill you guys in on something. My guy lost. Yup, I was a McCain supporter. I won't get into why, as again, that's not what I'm here for. So, why the big lead-in? And why the sudden decision to touch politics?
Sarah is forcing my hand. She's shooting off her mouth about, who else, BLOGGERS!!!! So, how will the failed vice presidential hopeful go about bashing the haphazard interactive gangbang known as the blogosphere? What carefully crafted digs will she take at it? How will this "educated, intelligent woman" go about making her point? Keep in mind, she just ran, unsuccessfully, for the second highest office in the nation.
A few days after she called McCain campaign staffers "cowards" for criticizing her anonymously, Palin dismissed some of her critics on the other side as "bloggers in their parents' basement just talking garbage."
Booyah!! In their parents' basement just talking garbage!!! GOTCHA FUCKERS!!!! Jesus Hfucking Christ!!! Such innovation, such craft!! It's as though she's able to see right through us all!!! I give up. I can no longer blog. Blogging is dead. Upon it's headstone, the words...
In Their Parents' Basement Just Talking Garbage. - Sarah Palin
You know, while I was sitting in my mom's basement, just talking garbage on the internet the other day, I learned something new. Wanna know what it is?
Africa is actually a continent!! It's not just a group of states all mushed together to the south of Europe!! It's a continent!! LIKE AUSTRALIA!!! Did you know that Sarah Palin? What? You didn't? Well, I guess that's okay... I mean, those crazy scientists are changing their minds about what makes something a continent all the time, right?
Wait, what? They're not? Africa's been a continent FOREVER?! And everybody learns about the 7 continents in grade school? Well, shucks Sarah! I guess you should have known that then, huh?
Know what else I learned on Al Gore's Internets (TM) the other day? That the Vice President, doesn't, in fact "run the Senate" and can't "really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes." You told me that the Vice President does those things.
But everybody else says that the Vice President can really only cast the tie-breaking vote for the Senate. And since the Senate never "ties," that's basically one of the most scarcely used powers in American Government.
So wait a second. You were running for Vice President... and you didn't even know what the Vice President is Constitutionally allowed and/or required to do?
That reminds me of the time that I applied for a job as the Head Nurse at a hospital... because I thought that my job would be to get head from all the nurses! They actually called me in for an interview, and wouldn't you believe it? They started asking me all these lame medical questions and told me that I'd probably have to give sponge baths to old men. Can you believe that shit?!
I was all like, look dude, I'm just here to get blown by chicks in nurse costumes while swigging from my trusty flask of gin. You know, because nothing is more sophisticated than a flask of gin. Except for a top hat. But whatever. They called security. And it went on my permanent record.
But back to the topic at hand. Sarah Palin. Hating bloggers.
Here's the really funny thing Sarah. This is a relatively small blog. It's only been written for a little over 3 months. And in those three months, this relatively small, obscure sports-themed blog has received 54,000 views. So using some simple mathematics, we can deduce, that over a full year, at a consistent rate of viewership, this small, obscure blog will receive 216,000 views.
The high point of your political career came in 2006, when you beat Tony Knowles to win your job as the Governor of Alaska. And in that election, you received a grand total of 114,697 votes.
Again, using simple mathematics, we can learn that my small, obscure, irrelevant blog, which is written from my parents' basement... will receive 101,303 more views in a year... than you received votes to be governor. Let me break it down further, just in case you're missing my point.
My readership is bigger than the electorate of your entire fucking state, you beauty pageant bimbo. And nobody had to buy me a $150,000 wardrobe.
Moreso, you are the single greatest reason that John McCain lost this fucking election. You are a complete imbecile who lacks the most basic understanding of grade school curriculum, no less American Government.
And you seriously believe that the Republican Party is going to let you run on your own ticket in 2012? Who do you think you are? Hillary Clinton? Why don't you try spending a little more time raising your skanky trailer trash family, and a little less time swilling brewskis with Joe Sixpack and pretending to posses a fully functioning brain. You're not fooling anybody.
Your candidacy in this election was a scam. It was an attempt to lure women and disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters over to the Republican ticket. And it might even have worked, if you could have just kept your stupid fucking mouth shut and looked pretty.
Instead, you talked... and talked... and talked... and looked mavericky... and talked... and got made fun of by Tina Fey... and talked... and talked... and looked mavericky... and talked... and exposed your completely empty cranium on the world stage. You're Dan Quayle with tits.
Things Sarah Palin Can Look Forward To:
1) Being Governor of Alaska.
2) The Cover of Playboy.
3) Being a great Grandmother by age 50 when her trailer trash daughter's trailer trash daughter gets knocked up at age 12.
Things Sarah Palin Should Not Hold Her Breath Waiting for:
1) The Start of her Campaign for President of the United States of America.
I'm Mister Six, and I approve this message.
Showing posts with label Epic Fail. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Epic Fail. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Manny the Bastard! More Amazing Spin!!
Yup, right here. Bob Lobel of OT Boston (who?) thinks that Manny should be banned from the game for his "re-enactment of the 1919 Black Sox Scandal."
So yes, basically more sour grapes coming out of Boston. And yes, that makes this post blog-on-blog crime. And I'm not sorry.
Remember the eight players from the 1919 Black Sox who threw the World Series for money? Perhaps one of the original Black Sox came back as Manny. "Shoeless Joe," back as "Clueless Manny." Black Sox outfielder Oscar Felsch, known as "Happy," back as "Dopey."
No, I don't remember the eight players from the 1919 Black Sox. How old are you?
And secondly, who paid Manny to throw games? You want to ban the guy from baseball for "not hustling"? Okay... then I guess we should strip the Red Sox of the 2004 and 2007 World Series titles... since one of the keys to them winning those series, was a player who cheated and violated the rules and all this and that, and should be banned, right? No? You don't want to give back those titles? Then shut the fuck up.
Shoeless Joe as Clueless Manny? Nah. More like apples to oranges. Nobody paid Manny to do this. It wasn't organized by the mob. And moreso, the Sox didn't have to trade him. Despite all the press, they could have kept him, continued to endure his antics... and come post-season time, with another title in sight, he'd have done exactly what he did in Los Angeles.... for Boston.
It was dissatisfaction with $15,000 back in 1919 and displeasure with $20 million to $40 million in 2008.
It was dissatisfaction with $15,000... and the fact that the fucking mob was involved. Supplying money. Paying these guys a lot of money to throw the games, so they could turn a profit.
Manny's "displeasure with $20 to $40 million in 2008" isn't why he did this. He was being disrespected by that organization in every way. For years. He's watched "Boston Heroes" like Pedro Martinez, Keith Foulke, Derek Lowe, Mark Bellhorn, Bill Mueller, Nomar Garciaparra, Johnny Damon, Trot Nixon, Kevin Millar and Bronson Arroyo get lowballed, cut and traded over the last few years, in favor of whatever "newer better model" Theo wanted to build upon.
He knew he was going to get a shittty lowball offer, or hung out to dry in some other unceremonious way, and he was going to be left to pick up the pieces in the off-season, so he did what people do in professional sports. He looked out for #1.
The word out of Boston for the last 3 or 4 years, has been that Manny's not happy. Manny wants to be traded. Manny hates playing in Boston. And yet, year after year, Manny put up numbers, made that team competitive, and knocked the cover off the ball in the post-season.
Now he's gone, and Boston's on their way out the door. So cry me a fucking river.
Their strategy: Play less -- for more pay. And, 89 years later, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Manny's strategy wasn't "Play less -- for more pay." His strategy was "get the fuck out of Boston, and go somewhere where they appreciate me, and then play more!"
Lets make this clear. Manny's probably going to get some sucker to shell out 7 years, at $20 Million per, because of what he did in August and September in Los Angeles. Manny could have stayed in Boston, batted .400 with 20 homers and 50 RBI for the last 50 games, batted .550 in the playoffs... and gotten the same money.
He didn't NEED a trade to boost his value by going batshit insane for 2 months. He wanted out of Boston, because the organization didn't appreciate him, and didn't treat him with respect.
Fast-forward to a new super Hall of Fame ballot before the Baseball Writers of America. (By the way, and it's not only my observation, I believe the electors would have trouble passing over the famous Hall of Fame character clause.) Here is the super ballot of villains before us today:
Pete Rose
Barry Bonds
Roger Clemens
Manny Ramirez
So... let me get this straight.
Pete Rose bet on baseball games... but that's cool.
And Barry Bonds broke US Law, by taking an illegal substance. And then broke US Law by lying about it. And broke US Laws by not paying his taxes. And that's cool too.
And Roger Clemens did all the stuff that Barry Bonds did. Plus he lied to Congress about it. And none off these are problems...
But Manny Ramirez... didn't hustle. And orchestrated his way out of Boston. And it hurt the Boston Red Sox. And that's the guy you want to go after? Do you even pretend to have a neutral, non-homer opinion?
By your logic, Carlos Delgado should also be thrown out of the game for what he did in New York this year.
He played like complete shit under Willie Randolph. He didn't hit, he didn't hustle, he did nothing. And as soon as Randolph got fired... Delgado caught fire! That means that he didn't hustle for Randolph, and therefore, he should be banned for life.
Do you know how many other examples of this I can give you?
In 2004, Adrian Beltre hit 48 homers and batted .334/.388/.629 for the Dodgers, with 121 RBI and 32 doubles.
The Seattle Mariners rewarded him with a big, fat contract. And since then, he's never hit close to .300, and his home run totals are 19, 25, 26 and 25.
So basically, Adrian Beltre played really hard during his walk-year... in order to get a big fat contract... and then he never hustled again. Should we also ban him? And everybody else who has a career-year during a contract year... then reverts to being shitty?
Where do we draw the line? Wait... let me answer that.
We only punish guys who screw over the Boston Red Sox... right Bob?
This entire article is a bad analogy, so that tag's been added. Thanks to Jane for the tip.
So yes, basically more sour grapes coming out of Boston. And yes, that makes this post blog-on-blog crime. And I'm not sorry.
Remember the eight players from the 1919 Black Sox who threw the World Series for money? Perhaps one of the original Black Sox came back as Manny. "Shoeless Joe," back as "Clueless Manny." Black Sox outfielder Oscar Felsch, known as "Happy," back as "Dopey."
No, I don't remember the eight players from the 1919 Black Sox. How old are you?
And secondly, who paid Manny to throw games? You want to ban the guy from baseball for "not hustling"? Okay... then I guess we should strip the Red Sox of the 2004 and 2007 World Series titles... since one of the keys to them winning those series, was a player who cheated and violated the rules and all this and that, and should be banned, right? No? You don't want to give back those titles? Then shut the fuck up.
Shoeless Joe as Clueless Manny? Nah. More like apples to oranges. Nobody paid Manny to do this. It wasn't organized by the mob. And moreso, the Sox didn't have to trade him. Despite all the press, they could have kept him, continued to endure his antics... and come post-season time, with another title in sight, he'd have done exactly what he did in Los Angeles.... for Boston.
It was dissatisfaction with $15,000 back in 1919 and displeasure with $20 million to $40 million in 2008.
It was dissatisfaction with $15,000... and the fact that the fucking mob was involved. Supplying money. Paying these guys a lot of money to throw the games, so they could turn a profit.
Manny's "displeasure with $20 to $40 million in 2008" isn't why he did this. He was being disrespected by that organization in every way. For years. He's watched "Boston Heroes" like Pedro Martinez, Keith Foulke, Derek Lowe, Mark Bellhorn, Bill Mueller, Nomar Garciaparra, Johnny Damon, Trot Nixon, Kevin Millar and Bronson Arroyo get lowballed, cut and traded over the last few years, in favor of whatever "newer better model" Theo wanted to build upon.
He knew he was going to get a shittty lowball offer, or hung out to dry in some other unceremonious way, and he was going to be left to pick up the pieces in the off-season, so he did what people do in professional sports. He looked out for #1.
The word out of Boston for the last 3 or 4 years, has been that Manny's not happy. Manny wants to be traded. Manny hates playing in Boston. And yet, year after year, Manny put up numbers, made that team competitive, and knocked the cover off the ball in the post-season.
Now he's gone, and Boston's on their way out the door. So cry me a fucking river.
Their strategy: Play less -- for more pay. And, 89 years later, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Manny's strategy wasn't "Play less -- for more pay." His strategy was "get the fuck out of Boston, and go somewhere where they appreciate me, and then play more!"
Lets make this clear. Manny's probably going to get some sucker to shell out 7 years, at $20 Million per, because of what he did in August and September in Los Angeles. Manny could have stayed in Boston, batted .400 with 20 homers and 50 RBI for the last 50 games, batted .550 in the playoffs... and gotten the same money.
He didn't NEED a trade to boost his value by going batshit insane for 2 months. He wanted out of Boston, because the organization didn't appreciate him, and didn't treat him with respect.
Fast-forward to a new super Hall of Fame ballot before the Baseball Writers of America. (By the way, and it's not only my observation, I believe the electors would have trouble passing over the famous Hall of Fame character clause.) Here is the super ballot of villains before us today:
Pete Rose
Barry Bonds
Roger Clemens
Manny Ramirez
So... let me get this straight.
Pete Rose bet on baseball games... but that's cool.
And Barry Bonds broke US Law, by taking an illegal substance. And then broke US Law by lying about it. And broke US Laws by not paying his taxes. And that's cool too.
And Roger Clemens did all the stuff that Barry Bonds did. Plus he lied to Congress about it. And none off these are problems...
But Manny Ramirez... didn't hustle. And orchestrated his way out of Boston. And it hurt the Boston Red Sox. And that's the guy you want to go after? Do you even pretend to have a neutral, non-homer opinion?
By your logic, Carlos Delgado should also be thrown out of the game for what he did in New York this year.
He played like complete shit under Willie Randolph. He didn't hit, he didn't hustle, he did nothing. And as soon as Randolph got fired... Delgado caught fire! That means that he didn't hustle for Randolph, and therefore, he should be banned for life.
Do you know how many other examples of this I can give you?
In 2004, Adrian Beltre hit 48 homers and batted .334/.388/.629 for the Dodgers, with 121 RBI and 32 doubles.
The Seattle Mariners rewarded him with a big, fat contract. And since then, he's never hit close to .300, and his home run totals are 19, 25, 26 and 25.
So basically, Adrian Beltre played really hard during his walk-year... in order to get a big fat contract... and then he never hustled again. Should we also ban him? And everybody else who has a career-year during a contract year... then reverts to being shitty?
Where do we draw the line? Wait... let me answer that.
We only punish guys who screw over the Boston Red Sox... right Bob?
This entire article is a bad analogy, so that tag's been added. Thanks to Jane for the tip.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Fixing The Mets & Yankees! With Grit and Hustle!!!
Apparently the hot topic after both New York baseball teams failed to make the playoffs, is how to fix their rosters. I know it's the hot topic, because yesterday, I found like 600 articles about it. I really think the heads of sports in New York told all their writers on Tuesday to write something about this. And I don't think the journalists were cool with the idea, because none of them seemed to put even a slight bit of thought into the process. Here are the three we're going to deal with... all at once... because they're all stupid, and all similar:
Daily News's Bill Madden on the Yankees
Daily News's John Harper on the Mets
Newsday's Ken Davidoff on Both!!
We'll start with Bill Madden, who's usually a pretty smart guy, but very clearly lays an egg this time out.
Madden suggests the following:
Trade Robinson Cano and Phil Hughes to Colorado for Matt Holliday.
Sign Orlando Hudson to replace Cano at Second Base.
Don't sign Mark Teixeira.
Play Jorge Posada at First Base.
Sign Greg Zaun to back up Jose Molina at catcher.
Trade for David DeJesus (from Kansas City), specifically because he batted .419 with runners in scoring position this year.
Dump Bobby Abreu, trade Hideki Matsui, and DH Johnny Damon.
Avoid CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett.
Sign Derek Lowe, "who, at 35, has suddenly taken on the look of an ace."
Sign Oliver Perez to "crazy money for (a) middle-of-the-rotation starter."
Robinson Cano is going to be 26 next year. He's a career .303/.335/.468 hitter at second base, and has decent, developing power. Defensively, he's better than adequate, and his games totals for the last 2 years are 159 and 160, so he's pretty durable.
Phil Hughes is going to be 23 next year, and was considered to be the best pitching prospect in baseball a couple of years ago. He got hurt last year, and hurt again this year. When he came back from his injury, he looked good. It seems a bit early to give up on the kid to me.
In return for this, you're going to get Matt Holliday. He's sick good... at Coors field (.357/.423/.645 at Coors for his career). However... on the road he turns into Hideki Matsui. Yup, on the road, Holliday is .280/.348/.455 for his career. So if Holliday comes to the Yankees, how many games per year is he going to play at Coors Field? Probably none... so is this really a good idea? I don't fucking think so Bill Madden. Did you bother to look at Holliday's home/away splits? No, you didn't.
Orlando Hudson is going to look for somebody to overpay him. He's a great defensive second baseman, but a pretty average hitter(.282/.346/.433, OPS+ 99). He's a downgrade from Cano (career OPS+ 110). And in 6 full seasons, he's played 142, 135, 131, 157, 139, and 107 games. So with one exception, he misses at least 20 games a year, every year. And he's going to be 31. I'm going to say no to Orlando Hudson. This is a stupid idea.
Mark Teixeira hit .308/.410/.552 this year, with 33 homers and 41 doubles. He's sick fucking good no matter where he plays. And he's a good first baseman. And you don't want him why?
Instead, you want Posada... who's played 130 innings of First Base in his 14-year career? And you want to replace his offensive production behind the plate with Jose Molina (career OPS+ 62) and Greg Zaun (career OPS+ 90)? Isn't the fact that the Yankees got NOTHING offensively from the Catcher position part of what doomed them this year? You want to do that... AGAIN?
I like David DeJesus. He's a Bronx guy. He's also appeared in 96, 122, 119, 157 and 135 games in his career. He doesn't stay on the field. And he's pretty much an average hitter. Melky Cabrera can probably give you the production that DeJesus will. Unless you believe that DeJesus is going to hit .419 with RSIP every year... in which case, you're a moron and I can't help you. And also, statistics now hate you for manipulating them in this horrible way. I hope you're happy.
Derek Lowe did not look like "an ace" this year. He went 14-11 with a 3.24 ERA and a 1.133 WHIP. He had a 136 ERA+, which is good... until you consider that he pitches for the Dodgers, in the NL West. The NL West is the worst division in baseball, and more specifically, the worst HITTING division in baseball. You want to move him over to the BEST hitting division in baseball? And you expect him to duplicate these results? Oh... and he's going to be 36... and looking for a 3-year contract? How good do you expect him to be at 39?
Oliver Perez was 10-7 this year with a 4.22 ERA and a 1.402 WHIP. In the NL East, those numbers are pretty god-awful. Yes, he has potential and a live arm. We've always known that. He also walked a career-high 105 guys this year. ONE. HUNDRED. AND. FIVE. WALKS. No thanks.
Next up, John Harper on the Mets (Don't worry, it gets easier):
Be open to trading David Wright or Jose Reyes.
Don't pick up Delgado's Option.
Play Daniel Murphy at First Base.
Dump Luis Castillo.
Sign Orlando Hudson.
Sign Raul Ibanez.
Dump Pedro and Oliver Perez.
Sign Derek Lowe.
Trade for JJ Putz (from Seattle).
Trading David Wright or Jose Reyes would be the dumbest imaginable thing the Mets could do. They'll never get equal value for either of their young, cheap superkids. And why make a trade if it doesn't improve your team in ANY WAY?
Carlos Delgado sucked for 4 months. And then he turned into Barry Bonds circa 2002 for 2 months. You want to let him walk? You don't think they should pick up the option, and then look to trade him, the way the Yankees did with Gary Sheffield? That way they can get something in return for him?
Daniel Murphy at First Base.... hmm....why could this possibly be a bad idea? Maybe because the entirity of his major league experience consists of 130 at bats in August and September? You really want to entrust one of the cornerstones of your offense to a 23-year old who's cup of coffee impressed you? Good luck with that.
You're dumping Luis Castillo because he's expensive, injury-proned and he can't hit, which caused the fans to hate him. And you're paying his salary so a team will take him. And then you want to sign Orlando Hudson... who's going to be expensive... and is injury-proned... and who doesn't hit that much either? So let me get this straight... you're dumping 2008 Luis Castillo... and signing 2009 Luis Castillo?
Raul Ibanez is 37. Didn't the Mets start 2007 and 2008 with Moises Alou? Because he's old... but he's a great hitter when he's healthy? Was he ever healthy? Yeah, Ibanez is a solid hitter, and I'm sure he's a wonderful guy. If you're the Mets... and you fielded the oldest team in baseball in 2008, shouldn't you be trying to get a little younger?
Derek Lowe: See Above. What's with these people and Derek Lowe?
JJ Putz rocks. He's a good relief pitcher/closer. I like him. Who do the Mets give up, to get him? He's cheap and good, and I'm guessing the Mariners will get better offers than "Fernando Martinez."
Last up, Ken Davidoff (again, most of his suggestions are the same):
Mets
Sign Francisco Rodriguez and Darren Oliver.
Dump Ayala, Heilman, Sanchez and Schoeneweis.
Dump Castillo. Give Second Base to Daniel Murphy.
Dump Pedro.
Don't sign Manny Ramirez. Get Juan Rivera and Fernando Tatis instead.
Don't sign Damaso Marte or trade for Huston Street.
Look for more guys like Brian Stokes.
Sign Wes Helms, because he hit a homer in the last game.
Sign Oliver Perez, Jon Garland or Derek Lowe.
Yankees
Get Derek Lowe for $15M a year.
Guilt Pettitte into returning for $10M.
Melky, Damon and Brett Gardner share Centerfield in 2009.
Keep Cano, unless you can trade him for Matt Cain or Jake Peavy.
Don't sign CC Sabathia or AJ Burnett.
Don't re-sign Giambi.
Sign Casey Blake to play First Base.
You want to pay $20 Million a year for Francisco Rodriguez? While you're still paying $10+ Million for Billy Wagner? So you're going to spend $30 Million on the 9th inning? That's fucking madness. Do I need to explain why?
Darren Oliver is 38. That's scary-old to sign a pitcher. And he's a lefty specialist. The Mets already have a lefty specialist named Pedro Feliciano, who's 6 years younger and better against Lefties. The manager just needs to understand that Feliciano shouldn't pitch to righties. Ever.
Castillo -> David Murphy: See above.
Manny: .332/.430/.601, 36 2B, 37 HR.
Juan Rivera: .246/.282/.438, 13 2B, 12 HR.
Fernando Tatis: Old. Flukey.
Huston Street: Closer, 24 years old, career ERA+ 148.
Brian Stokes: 28 years old, career ERA+ 78, released by Tampa Bay.
Wes Helms: .243/.299/.347 (OPS+ 72). But go ahead and sign him because he knocked you out of the playoffs. Maybe in 2009 you can miss the playoffs because of the hits he DOESN'T get.
Perez/Lowe: See above.
Jon Garland: 90 strikeouts this year. 98 strikeouts last year. Career ERA+ 103. Although I'd probably take him over Lowe or Perez.
And now for the Yankees:
Lowe: See above again. These guys fucking love Derek Lowe.
Andy Pettitte sucked balls this year. And he knows it. You wouldn't have to "guilt him" into taking $10 Million dollars to pitch next season. He'd probably suck Hank Steinbrenner's cock for that contract offer right now.
Johnny Damon breaks down in CF. Melky was awful. And Gardner can't hit. And that's your plan? That seems sound enough.
So you're going to keep Robinson Cano unless someone offers you Jake Peavy or Matt Cain for him? In other words... you're going to keep Robinson Cano. Good, I agree with you. But for the record, nobody would ever be drunk or stupid enough to offer Peavy or Cain for him.
AJ Burnett's won/lost record this year is going to land him a big contract. And it shouldn't, because he wasn't that great, truth be told. I agree that the Yankees should stay away from him. But why in the blue FUCK shouldn't they go after CC Sabathia? Did you watch any baseball games this year? Or last year? How about in 2006? Did you watch baseball then? Have you ever actually watched a baseball game, dude? Yeah, he's thrown a ton of innings. Yeah, he might break down. After passing on Santana for the same reasons, the Yankees CAN FUCKING NOT afford to let Sabathia get away. It's not about trading talent this time. It's just money. The Yankees can afford the salary whether Sabathia gets hurt or not. This is a no-brainer for anyone who isn't on the payroll of Derek Lowe.
Casey Blake at First Base? You do realize that Giambi spends more time on the basepaths than Casey Blake, right? And he hits more home runs? And defensively, it's probably a wash, since Blake's only played 105 games at First Base in his career? I'll say this again... how about if the Yankees go after Mark Teixeira... who's good defensively, and hits more than Casey Blake and Jason Giambi combined?
I'm going to sleep. Yes, it's 12:41 in the afternoon. But I'm exhausted now. Later.
Daily News's Bill Madden on the Yankees
Daily News's John Harper on the Mets
Newsday's Ken Davidoff on Both!!
We'll start with Bill Madden, who's usually a pretty smart guy, but very clearly lays an egg this time out.
Madden suggests the following:
Trade Robinson Cano and Phil Hughes to Colorado for Matt Holliday.
Sign Orlando Hudson to replace Cano at Second Base.
Don't sign Mark Teixeira.
Play Jorge Posada at First Base.
Sign Greg Zaun to back up Jose Molina at catcher.
Trade for David DeJesus (from Kansas City), specifically because he batted .419 with runners in scoring position this year.
Dump Bobby Abreu, trade Hideki Matsui, and DH Johnny Damon.
Avoid CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett.
Sign Derek Lowe, "who, at 35, has suddenly taken on the look of an ace."
Sign Oliver Perez to "crazy money for (a) middle-of-the-rotation starter."
Robinson Cano is going to be 26 next year. He's a career .303/.335/.468 hitter at second base, and has decent, developing power. Defensively, he's better than adequate, and his games totals for the last 2 years are 159 and 160, so he's pretty durable.
Phil Hughes is going to be 23 next year, and was considered to be the best pitching prospect in baseball a couple of years ago. He got hurt last year, and hurt again this year. When he came back from his injury, he looked good. It seems a bit early to give up on the kid to me.
In return for this, you're going to get Matt Holliday. He's sick good... at Coors field (.357/.423/.645 at Coors for his career). However... on the road he turns into Hideki Matsui. Yup, on the road, Holliday is .280/.348/.455 for his career. So if Holliday comes to the Yankees, how many games per year is he going to play at Coors Field? Probably none... so is this really a good idea? I don't fucking think so Bill Madden. Did you bother to look at Holliday's home/away splits? No, you didn't.
Orlando Hudson is going to look for somebody to overpay him. He's a great defensive second baseman, but a pretty average hitter(.282/.346/.433, OPS+ 99). He's a downgrade from Cano (career OPS+ 110). And in 6 full seasons, he's played 142, 135, 131, 157, 139, and 107 games. So with one exception, he misses at least 20 games a year, every year. And he's going to be 31. I'm going to say no to Orlando Hudson. This is a stupid idea.
Mark Teixeira hit .308/.410/.552 this year, with 33 homers and 41 doubles. He's sick fucking good no matter where he plays. And he's a good first baseman. And you don't want him why?
Instead, you want Posada... who's played 130 innings of First Base in his 14-year career? And you want to replace his offensive production behind the plate with Jose Molina (career OPS+ 62) and Greg Zaun (career OPS+ 90)? Isn't the fact that the Yankees got NOTHING offensively from the Catcher position part of what doomed them this year? You want to do that... AGAIN?
I like David DeJesus. He's a Bronx guy. He's also appeared in 96, 122, 119, 157 and 135 games in his career. He doesn't stay on the field. And he's pretty much an average hitter. Melky Cabrera can probably give you the production that DeJesus will. Unless you believe that DeJesus is going to hit .419 with RSIP every year... in which case, you're a moron and I can't help you. And also, statistics now hate you for manipulating them in this horrible way. I hope you're happy.
Derek Lowe did not look like "an ace" this year. He went 14-11 with a 3.24 ERA and a 1.133 WHIP. He had a 136 ERA+, which is good... until you consider that he pitches for the Dodgers, in the NL West. The NL West is the worst division in baseball, and more specifically, the worst HITTING division in baseball. You want to move him over to the BEST hitting division in baseball? And you expect him to duplicate these results? Oh... and he's going to be 36... and looking for a 3-year contract? How good do you expect him to be at 39?
Oliver Perez was 10-7 this year with a 4.22 ERA and a 1.402 WHIP. In the NL East, those numbers are pretty god-awful. Yes, he has potential and a live arm. We've always known that. He also walked a career-high 105 guys this year. ONE. HUNDRED. AND. FIVE. WALKS. No thanks.
Next up, John Harper on the Mets (Don't worry, it gets easier):
Be open to trading David Wright or Jose Reyes.
Don't pick up Delgado's Option.
Play Daniel Murphy at First Base.
Dump Luis Castillo.
Sign Orlando Hudson.
Sign Raul Ibanez.
Dump Pedro and Oliver Perez.
Sign Derek Lowe.
Trade for JJ Putz (from Seattle).
Trading David Wright or Jose Reyes would be the dumbest imaginable thing the Mets could do. They'll never get equal value for either of their young, cheap superkids. And why make a trade if it doesn't improve your team in ANY WAY?
Carlos Delgado sucked for 4 months. And then he turned into Barry Bonds circa 2002 for 2 months. You want to let him walk? You don't think they should pick up the option, and then look to trade him, the way the Yankees did with Gary Sheffield? That way they can get something in return for him?
Daniel Murphy at First Base.... hmm....why could this possibly be a bad idea? Maybe because the entirity of his major league experience consists of 130 at bats in August and September? You really want to entrust one of the cornerstones of your offense to a 23-year old who's cup of coffee impressed you? Good luck with that.
You're dumping Luis Castillo because he's expensive, injury-proned and he can't hit, which caused the fans to hate him. And you're paying his salary so a team will take him. And then you want to sign Orlando Hudson... who's going to be expensive... and is injury-proned... and who doesn't hit that much either? So let me get this straight... you're dumping 2008 Luis Castillo... and signing 2009 Luis Castillo?
Raul Ibanez is 37. Didn't the Mets start 2007 and 2008 with Moises Alou? Because he's old... but he's a great hitter when he's healthy? Was he ever healthy? Yeah, Ibanez is a solid hitter, and I'm sure he's a wonderful guy. If you're the Mets... and you fielded the oldest team in baseball in 2008, shouldn't you be trying to get a little younger?
Derek Lowe: See Above. What's with these people and Derek Lowe?
JJ Putz rocks. He's a good relief pitcher/closer. I like him. Who do the Mets give up, to get him? He's cheap and good, and I'm guessing the Mariners will get better offers than "Fernando Martinez."
Last up, Ken Davidoff (again, most of his suggestions are the same):
Mets
Sign Francisco Rodriguez and Darren Oliver.
Dump Ayala, Heilman, Sanchez and Schoeneweis.
Dump Castillo. Give Second Base to Daniel Murphy.
Dump Pedro.
Don't sign Manny Ramirez. Get Juan Rivera and Fernando Tatis instead.
Don't sign Damaso Marte or trade for Huston Street.
Look for more guys like Brian Stokes.
Sign Wes Helms, because he hit a homer in the last game.
Sign Oliver Perez, Jon Garland or Derek Lowe.
Yankees
Get Derek Lowe for $15M a year.
Guilt Pettitte into returning for $10M.
Melky, Damon and Brett Gardner share Centerfield in 2009.
Keep Cano, unless you can trade him for Matt Cain or Jake Peavy.
Don't sign CC Sabathia or AJ Burnett.
Don't re-sign Giambi.
Sign Casey Blake to play First Base.
You want to pay $20 Million a year for Francisco Rodriguez? While you're still paying $10+ Million for Billy Wagner? So you're going to spend $30 Million on the 9th inning? That's fucking madness. Do I need to explain why?
Darren Oliver is 38. That's scary-old to sign a pitcher. And he's a lefty specialist. The Mets already have a lefty specialist named Pedro Feliciano, who's 6 years younger and better against Lefties. The manager just needs to understand that Feliciano shouldn't pitch to righties. Ever.
Castillo -> David Murphy: See above.
Manny: .332/.430/.601, 36 2B, 37 HR.
Juan Rivera: .246/.282/.438, 13 2B, 12 HR.
Fernando Tatis: Old. Flukey.
Huston Street: Closer, 24 years old, career ERA+ 148.
Brian Stokes: 28 years old, career ERA+ 78, released by Tampa Bay.
Wes Helms: .243/.299/.347 (OPS+ 72). But go ahead and sign him because he knocked you out of the playoffs. Maybe in 2009 you can miss the playoffs because of the hits he DOESN'T get.
Perez/Lowe: See above.
Jon Garland: 90 strikeouts this year. 98 strikeouts last year. Career ERA+ 103. Although I'd probably take him over Lowe or Perez.
And now for the Yankees:
Lowe: See above again. These guys fucking love Derek Lowe.
Andy Pettitte sucked balls this year. And he knows it. You wouldn't have to "guilt him" into taking $10 Million dollars to pitch next season. He'd probably suck Hank Steinbrenner's cock for that contract offer right now.
Johnny Damon breaks down in CF. Melky was awful. And Gardner can't hit. And that's your plan? That seems sound enough.
So you're going to keep Robinson Cano unless someone offers you Jake Peavy or Matt Cain for him? In other words... you're going to keep Robinson Cano. Good, I agree with you. But for the record, nobody would ever be drunk or stupid enough to offer Peavy or Cain for him.
AJ Burnett's won/lost record this year is going to land him a big contract. And it shouldn't, because he wasn't that great, truth be told. I agree that the Yankees should stay away from him. But why in the blue FUCK shouldn't they go after CC Sabathia? Did you watch any baseball games this year? Or last year? How about in 2006? Did you watch baseball then? Have you ever actually watched a baseball game, dude? Yeah, he's thrown a ton of innings. Yeah, he might break down. After passing on Santana for the same reasons, the Yankees CAN FUCKING NOT afford to let Sabathia get away. It's not about trading talent this time. It's just money. The Yankees can afford the salary whether Sabathia gets hurt or not. This is a no-brainer for anyone who isn't on the payroll of Derek Lowe.
Casey Blake at First Base? You do realize that Giambi spends more time on the basepaths than Casey Blake, right? And he hits more home runs? And defensively, it's probably a wash, since Blake's only played 105 games at First Base in his career? I'll say this again... how about if the Yankees go after Mark Teixeira... who's good defensively, and hits more than Casey Blake and Jason Giambi combined?
I'm going to sleep. Yes, it's 12:41 in the afternoon. But I'm exhausted now. Later.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Bill Plaschke: Right For All the Wrong Reasons!!!
Yup, that's the name of Bill's new book, due out next week.
Alternate titles included:
Bill Plaschke: Can I Has More Stupid?
Bill. Plaschke. Sentence. Fragment. Poems. For. Us. All.
And of course...
Bill Plaschke: If I Had a Normal Name, I'd Be Easier to Mock.
Just kidding, Bill isn't writing a book. Just more stupid shit.
He has saved day games, night games, winning streaks, road trips, confidence, face, butts and souls.
Who could we possibly be talking about? He's saved souls? And butts? This sounds like some kind of kickass Jesus with a machine gun!!! Or Rambo!! Yeah, RAMBO!!!!!
In giving the Angels the shirt off his back this season, Francisco Rodriguez has saved all but one thing.
How exactly, has he given them the shirt off his back, Bill? By pitching? That's sorta what he gets paid to do... so I'm not sure I follow where you're going with this. And what didn't he save?
The shirt off his back.
Umm.... wha? "In giving the Angels the shirt off his back this season, Francisco Rodriguez has failed to save the shirt off his back."
The English language just committed suicide. You fucking killed it Bill. Are you happy now?
Yes, his major league-record 58 saves is one of the coolest things to happen in Anaheim since Darin Erstad caught that final out.
Why do I get the feeling that Bill Plaschke's about to say something stupid.
For all this, the Angels should shake his hand and tell him two things. Good job, and goodbye.
Yeah, motherfucker!!! Hit the bricks!!!! Wait... wha? Ohhhh... I get it!! Because the closer is vastly overvalued in baseball economics, because all "closing" really is, is pitching an inning with a 3-run lead! Any reliever can do it! Why not pay a good middle reliever a quarter of the money and plug him in as the closer? Or bring up a fireballer from the minors to handle it!!
He has set the price, at five years, $15 million a year. He has set the tone, breaking a saves record that stood for 18 years.
Yeah, that's wayyyyy too much money to spend on 70 innings a year.
He's so ready to put himself on the open market, sometimes it seems as if he's already there, with post-save celebrations that highlight his individuality.
You lost me again. Let me get this straight, you're calling him selfish for having a freakishly good season and being happy about it? He's performing well... and because of that, he's "doing it all for himself and not the team?"
But more than any other statistic in the game, saves are a team stat. And even without their closer this season, here's guessing the Angels would be a first-place team.
I beg to differ. Wins are much more of a "team stat" than saves. RBIs are a big-time "team stat." And furthermore, here's guessing that we have no fucking CLUE where the Angels would be with Scot Shields closing ballgames. No clue.
If he really believes he will be better served playing for a manager who doesn't understand pitchers as well as Mike Scioscia, well, they should politely offer to have his head examined.
So wait... you're saying that he's saved 58 games this year... because Mike Scioscia understands pitchers? Bill, what's to fucking understand. He's their closer!!! Let me break it down for you.
They play 8 innings of baseball, with bats and balls and gloves, and they score points that are called runs... and when the 9th inning gets there, if a team is winning by 1, 2 or 3 runs... they bring in a pitcher called their "closer" to try to finish the game. If he succeeds in doing so without surrendering the lead at any point, he'd credited with what we call a "save."
Every manager in baseball understands this, Bill. Not just Mike Scioscia. When the game calls for the closer, Scioscia puts in his closer. It's not fucking science.
He is a historically incredible closer, but he's not as important to the team as a potential Angels free-agent slugger named Mark Teixeira, or a potential free-agent starter such as the Milwaukee Brewers' CC Sabathia.
Teixeira is going to cost them at least $20 Million a year, as he's firmly on the Yankees radar. After the giant contract they gave Torii Hunter last year, I doubt they're touching Teixeira.
And Sabathia's also going to command about $20 Million a year... and again, is firmly on the Yankees radar. They have $80 Million coming off the books. And the Angels have about 72 starting pitchers. So why the fuck would Sabathia be a bigger priority than F-Rod?
Closers get three outs. Closers do not hit three-run homers. Closers cannot pitch three-hit shutouts. Closers will never work three scoreless innings in relief. Closers get three outs, and only after everyone else has first done their job.
Fucking poetry. But here's the problem... if you let F-Rod go, who does his job next year? Who gets those three outs... after everyone else has done their jobs?
Scot Shields? Darren Oliver? Justin Speier? Or do you give the job to 24-year old Jose Arrendondo, who has the most impressive numbers, but has only worked 54 inning in his career? And who do you use to replace whoever slides down to the 9th inning?
Just for the record, what do you think is more demoralizing to a team?
Trailing from the first inning on and losing 8-3? Or having a 5-3 lead in the 9th inning and watching your closer blow it.... losing 8-3? Same score... but what has more of an impact?
Why don't you ask the 2007 Mets about this... better yet, why don't you ask the 2008 Mets about it? They're working on doing the same damned thing again... because they don't have a guy like F-Rod at the back-end.
Ultimately, Plaschke's right... $15 Million a year for a closer is insane... but if you're that team, do you really want to see how your season ends up without a real closer?
Alternate titles included:
Bill Plaschke: Can I Has More Stupid?
Bill. Plaschke. Sentence. Fragment. Poems. For. Us. All.
And of course...
Bill Plaschke: If I Had a Normal Name, I'd Be Easier to Mock.
Just kidding, Bill isn't writing a book. Just more stupid shit.
He has saved day games, night games, winning streaks, road trips, confidence, face, butts and souls.
Who could we possibly be talking about? He's saved souls? And butts? This sounds like some kind of kickass Jesus with a machine gun!!! Or Rambo!! Yeah, RAMBO!!!!!
In giving the Angels the shirt off his back this season, Francisco Rodriguez has saved all but one thing.
How exactly, has he given them the shirt off his back, Bill? By pitching? That's sorta what he gets paid to do... so I'm not sure I follow where you're going with this. And what didn't he save?
The shirt off his back.
Umm.... wha? "In giving the Angels the shirt off his back this season, Francisco Rodriguez has failed to save the shirt off his back."
The English language just committed suicide. You fucking killed it Bill. Are you happy now?
Yes, his major league-record 58 saves is one of the coolest things to happen in Anaheim since Darin Erstad caught that final out.
Why do I get the feeling that Bill Plaschke's about to say something stupid.
For all this, the Angels should shake his hand and tell him two things. Good job, and goodbye.
Yeah, motherfucker!!! Hit the bricks!!!! Wait... wha? Ohhhh... I get it!! Because the closer is vastly overvalued in baseball economics, because all "closing" really is, is pitching an inning with a 3-run lead! Any reliever can do it! Why not pay a good middle reliever a quarter of the money and plug him in as the closer? Or bring up a fireballer from the minors to handle it!!
He has set the price, at five years, $15 million a year. He has set the tone, breaking a saves record that stood for 18 years.
Yeah, that's wayyyyy too much money to spend on 70 innings a year.
He's so ready to put himself on the open market, sometimes it seems as if he's already there, with post-save celebrations that highlight his individuality.
You lost me again. Let me get this straight, you're calling him selfish for having a freakishly good season and being happy about it? He's performing well... and because of that, he's "doing it all for himself and not the team?"
But more than any other statistic in the game, saves are a team stat. And even without their closer this season, here's guessing the Angels would be a first-place team.
I beg to differ. Wins are much more of a "team stat" than saves. RBIs are a big-time "team stat." And furthermore, here's guessing that we have no fucking CLUE where the Angels would be with Scot Shields closing ballgames. No clue.
If he really believes he will be better served playing for a manager who doesn't understand pitchers as well as Mike Scioscia, well, they should politely offer to have his head examined.
So wait... you're saying that he's saved 58 games this year... because Mike Scioscia understands pitchers? Bill, what's to fucking understand. He's their closer!!! Let me break it down for you.
They play 8 innings of baseball, with bats and balls and gloves, and they score points that are called runs... and when the 9th inning gets there, if a team is winning by 1, 2 or 3 runs... they bring in a pitcher called their "closer" to try to finish the game. If he succeeds in doing so without surrendering the lead at any point, he'd credited with what we call a "save."
Every manager in baseball understands this, Bill. Not just Mike Scioscia. When the game calls for the closer, Scioscia puts in his closer. It's not fucking science.
He is a historically incredible closer, but he's not as important to the team as a potential Angels free-agent slugger named Mark Teixeira, or a potential free-agent starter such as the Milwaukee Brewers' CC Sabathia.
Teixeira is going to cost them at least $20 Million a year, as he's firmly on the Yankees radar. After the giant contract they gave Torii Hunter last year, I doubt they're touching Teixeira.
And Sabathia's also going to command about $20 Million a year... and again, is firmly on the Yankees radar. They have $80 Million coming off the books. And the Angels have about 72 starting pitchers. So why the fuck would Sabathia be a bigger priority than F-Rod?
Closers get three outs. Closers do not hit three-run homers. Closers cannot pitch three-hit shutouts. Closers will never work three scoreless innings in relief. Closers get three outs, and only after everyone else has first done their job.
Fucking poetry. But here's the problem... if you let F-Rod go, who does his job next year? Who gets those three outs... after everyone else has done their jobs?
Scot Shields? Darren Oliver? Justin Speier? Or do you give the job to 24-year old Jose Arrendondo, who has the most impressive numbers, but has only worked 54 inning in his career? And who do you use to replace whoever slides down to the 9th inning?
Just for the record, what do you think is more demoralizing to a team?
Trailing from the first inning on and losing 8-3? Or having a 5-3 lead in the 9th inning and watching your closer blow it.... losing 8-3? Same score... but what has more of an impact?
Why don't you ask the 2007 Mets about this... better yet, why don't you ask the 2008 Mets about it? They're working on doing the same damned thing again... because they don't have a guy like F-Rod at the back-end.
Ultimately, Plaschke's right... $15 Million a year for a closer is insane... but if you're that team, do you really want to see how your season ends up without a real closer?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Pitch Counts are for Pussies!! Volume 37!!
Getting right to the point. Yup, Carlos Zambrano has a "tired arm" and has seen a drop-off in his velocity. He's 27, he's built like a brick shithouse... he's one of the guys that everybody mentions when they write stupid articles about how pitch counts are bad for baseball... because "Zambrano could throw 200 pitches" and "everybody should finish what they start."
Obviously we'll never know the exact reason that Zambrano's arm is bothering him. It could be as simple as one bad pitch and a tweak... or it could be the accumulation of work over 5 months of baseball, but humor me for a second here...
It could also be the fact that Zambrano's thrown as many as 130 pitches in a game this year. He's also been stretched to 125, 119, and 118.
The 125 and 118 were in back-to-back starts against the Marlins and Brewers on July 24th and July 29th, and since then, Zambrano's thrown 26 2/3rds innings and given up 22 earned runs. And despite his recent struggles, he was still extended to 119 pitches on August 15th.
So yeah, sure, probably coincidence, right?
Pitching coach Larry Rothschild said Zambrano isn't in any pain and his arm feels good.
Which is why he's missing starts and getting banged around when he pitches.
"It's just that he's gone through this every year the last four or five years, at a point in time where his arm feels a little bit heavy, tired," Rothschild said. "I think everybody goes through that, I think it's a little bit of a dead arm period.
Yeah, he goes through this every year. Sort of like how Mark Prior goes for Tommy John's surgery every year, it's just part of his routine! It's just a little bit of a dead arm.
You give a guy $90 Million Dollars, and then you abuse the shit out of him in the first year of his new contract? That seems like a great idea... or maybe it's why your team hasn't won anything since Larry King was born.
Dick Harden tag added, just because he's on the team and it makes me chuckle.
Obviously we'll never know the exact reason that Zambrano's arm is bothering him. It could be as simple as one bad pitch and a tweak... or it could be the accumulation of work over 5 months of baseball, but humor me for a second here...
It could also be the fact that Zambrano's thrown as many as 130 pitches in a game this year. He's also been stretched to 125, 119, and 118.
The 125 and 118 were in back-to-back starts against the Marlins and Brewers on July 24th and July 29th, and since then, Zambrano's thrown 26 2/3rds innings and given up 22 earned runs. And despite his recent struggles, he was still extended to 119 pitches on August 15th.
So yeah, sure, probably coincidence, right?
Pitching coach Larry Rothschild said Zambrano isn't in any pain and his arm feels good.
Which is why he's missing starts and getting banged around when he pitches.
"It's just that he's gone through this every year the last four or five years, at a point in time where his arm feels a little bit heavy, tired," Rothschild said. "I think everybody goes through that, I think it's a little bit of a dead arm period.
Yeah, he goes through this every year. Sort of like how Mark Prior goes for Tommy John's surgery every year, it's just part of his routine! It's just a little bit of a dead arm.
You give a guy $90 Million Dollars, and then you abuse the shit out of him in the first year of his new contract? That seems like a great idea... or maybe it's why your team hasn't won anything since Larry King was born.
Dick Harden tag added, just because he's on the team and it makes me chuckle.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Maybe He Did a Papel-Bong Hit...
Obviously I'm a Red Sox-hater. I should probably clarify my stance on 'The Rivalry' at some point anyway, so I'll just touch on it briefly here.
I'm not exactly a Sox-hater. I'm well-aware of the history of both of these teams. I love the game of baseball and pride myself on being somewhat knowledgeable about it. And some of the best conversations about the sport that I've ever had, have been with Red Sox fans.
Every team, especially the Sox and the Yankees, have their bandwagon fans. Those guys know nothing about the team, they're arrogant, they're cocky, and they make everybody look bad. That's probably 80+% of the people who claim to be Yankee fans, and at least 75% of the guys who have "membership cards to Red Sox Nation" and shit. I fucking hate bandwagon fans.
But on to the good stuff.
"My wife is pregnant and she's getting her life threatened. It's frigging stupid," Papelbon said during an expletive-laced session with reporters. "I feel like I needed to be in a bullet-proof car."
Shit man!! That's fucked up!! Did Jonathan Papelbon just visit Iraq to distribute kittens to the soldiers or something?
Ohhhh... he was at the parade in New York City yesterday!! Wait.. what? Umm... dude, your wife didn't get her life threatened. Stop exaggerating and stop being a stupid cunt. Your wife got boo'd. Are we really supposed to cry you a river about this?
Nobody rushed the vehicle. Nobody threw anything at you. This celebration wasn't NEARLY as raucous as the one that occurred after Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS, which is to say that while fans in BOSTON might feel it's necessary to kill someone as a means of celebration...
Yankee fans have a pretty good track record over the last 12 years, seeing as they watched their team win 4 World Championships... and didn't KILL anybody. So seriously dude, shut the fuck up. People are entitled to boo you. You're a tool.
"I don't really give a shit anymore," he said. "If I don't even fucking pitch, I don't care."
Just for the record... if Papelbon didn't fucking pitch, the AL probably wouldn't have needed 15 innings to win the game. Especially with Billy "We Are Gonna Need Extra Runs" Wagner on the hill for the NL.
I'm not exactly a Sox-hater. I'm well-aware of the history of both of these teams. I love the game of baseball and pride myself on being somewhat knowledgeable about it. And some of the best conversations about the sport that I've ever had, have been with Red Sox fans.
Every team, especially the Sox and the Yankees, have their bandwagon fans. Those guys know nothing about the team, they're arrogant, they're cocky, and they make everybody look bad. That's probably 80+% of the people who claim to be Yankee fans, and at least 75% of the guys who have "membership cards to Red Sox Nation" and shit. I fucking hate bandwagon fans.
But on to the good stuff.
"My wife is pregnant and she's getting her life threatened. It's frigging stupid," Papelbon said during an expletive-laced session with reporters. "I feel like I needed to be in a bullet-proof car."
Shit man!! That's fucked up!! Did Jonathan Papelbon just visit Iraq to distribute kittens to the soldiers or something?
Ohhhh... he was at the parade in New York City yesterday!! Wait.. what? Umm... dude, your wife didn't get her life threatened. Stop exaggerating and stop being a stupid cunt. Your wife got boo'd. Are we really supposed to cry you a river about this?
Nobody rushed the vehicle. Nobody threw anything at you. This celebration wasn't NEARLY as raucous as the one that occurred after Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS, which is to say that while fans in BOSTON might feel it's necessary to kill someone as a means of celebration...
Yankee fans have a pretty good track record over the last 12 years, seeing as they watched their team win 4 World Championships... and didn't KILL anybody. So seriously dude, shut the fuck up. People are entitled to boo you. You're a tool.
"I don't really give a shit anymore," he said. "If I don't even fucking pitch, I don't care."
Just for the record... if Papelbon didn't fucking pitch, the AL probably wouldn't have needed 15 innings to win the game. Especially with Billy "We Are Gonna Need Extra Runs" Wagner on the hill for the NL.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
New Reality Show: Double-Talking with the Stars!
That was a shitty title for this post. I apologize. Lets get right to business. Jemele Hill is in trouble. To explain why, we need to go back in time. Far, far back... to a time when Don Imus cracked jokes about Women's NCAA Basketball...
“He is routinely offensive to people of color and women,” Hill wrote, “and if he needs to lose his job to understand that there is no place for that, so be it.”
Abso-fucking-lutley right! Fuck Don Imus. Fuck him in his wrinkled, rustic, brokeback cowboy hat-wearing ass! Fuck him with the nozzle of a spray-can of Kraft Easy Cheese until his orifices leak yellowish-brown discharge. The guy should have to play centerfield for daily circle jerks from the Chippendales for what he said about women of color! Fu... wait... Jemele's still here... okay, go ahead Jemele. I got carried away.
“Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. It’s like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan.”
Yeah!! Fuck the Celt... wait... what?! I just got completely lost here. Let me get this straight now.
We agree that cracking a bad joke about black female basketball players is ugly, and the dipshit who did it probably deserved to get shit-canned for it. And he did. And we did rejoiced!
But somehow, implying that Bostonians are in favor of nuclear holocaust is okay? Just in case you're not fully following these statements that Jemele made, let me break them down.
Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. - Has anybody ever said this ever? Is anyone that completely bat-shit insane? I just talked to Mel Gibson about this statement and he said that was taking the whole Jew-hating thing a little too far.
It’s like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan. - I was kind of hoping that nobody got to the blinking red button. The blinking red button meant that nukes were going to start flying. And if Gorbachev got there first, we were toast. A lot of Celtics fans would have died if Gorbachev pushed that button. So, by Jemele's estimation, not only do Celtics fans hate America, and want to see you all die a horrible death... but they're also suicidal!
Hey Jemele, I'm again failing to see the correlation between
Pistons Fan, and...
Biggest fucking moron in the history of ESPN (and I hope you all realize how significant it is, to be the biggest moron in the history of a media group that has employed people like: Bill Simmons, Chris Berman, Steve Phillips, John Kruk, Peter Gammons and Joe Morgan, among others.)
Jemele Hill has been suspended. She should be fired. To put it in Jemele's own words...
Her routine is offensive to WWII Veterans, Mel Gibson, Germans, Bostonians, Jews and America, and if she needs to lose her job to understand that there's no place for that, then so be it.
“He is routinely offensive to people of color and women,” Hill wrote, “and if he needs to lose his job to understand that there is no place for that, so be it.”
Abso-fucking-lutley right! Fuck Don Imus. Fuck him in his wrinkled, rustic, brokeback cowboy hat-wearing ass! Fuck him with the nozzle of a spray-can of Kraft Easy Cheese until his orifices leak yellowish-brown discharge. The guy should have to play centerfield for daily circle jerks from the Chippendales for what he said about women of color! Fu... wait... Jemele's still here... okay, go ahead Jemele. I got carried away.
“Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. It’s like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan.”
Yeah!! Fuck the Celt... wait... what?! I just got completely lost here. Let me get this straight now.
We agree that cracking a bad joke about black female basketball players is ugly, and the dipshit who did it probably deserved to get shit-canned for it. And he did. And we did rejoiced!
But somehow, implying that Bostonians are in favor of nuclear holocaust is okay? Just in case you're not fully following these statements that Jemele made, let me break them down.
Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. - Has anybody ever said this ever? Is anyone that completely bat-shit insane? I just talked to Mel Gibson about this statement and he said that was taking the whole Jew-hating thing a little too far.
It’s like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan. - I was kind of hoping that nobody got to the blinking red button. The blinking red button meant that nukes were going to start flying. And if Gorbachev got there first, we were toast. A lot of Celtics fans would have died if Gorbachev pushed that button. So, by Jemele's estimation, not only do Celtics fans hate America, and want to see you all die a horrible death... but they're also suicidal!
How could Jemele possibly explain herself when grilled about this situation?
“In expressing my passion for the NBA and my hometown of Detroit I showed very poor judgment in the words I used.”
Ohhhhh!!! It all makes sense now!!! Jemele attacked the entire city of Boston, the entire Jewish religion, the entire United States of America and every World War II Veteran in the WORLD... because she's a fucking Pistons fan!!!!
Hey Jemele, I'm again failing to see the correlation between
Pistons Fan, and...
Biggest fucking moron in the history of ESPN (and I hope you all realize how significant it is, to be the biggest moron in the history of a media group that has employed people like: Bill Simmons, Chris Berman, Steve Phillips, John Kruk, Peter Gammons and Joe Morgan, among others.)
Jemele Hill has been suspended. She should be fired. To put it in Jemele's own words...
Her routine is offensive to WWII Veterans, Mel Gibson, Germans, Bostonians, Jews and America, and if she needs to lose her job to understand that there's no place for that, then so be it.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The Reason For Anonymity
Everything you read here basically amounts to the bored attempts at humor of a pretty regular guy working a dull day-job. I try to be sarcastic and witty and tongue-in-cheek. And sometimes I'm successful with that.
I make fun of everyone and everything that catches my fancy, and I hope that if the people involved actually see what I've said about them, they'll keep their sense of humor about it and not stalk me down and kick my ass. And the real fact of the matter is, sometimes (probably more than sometimes) I'm a complete jerk-off and I go too far.
A couple of weeks ago, I pulled posts out of the Daily News' "Voice of the People" section and tore into a couple of complete strangers for no real reason. I jumped to numerous conclusions without any knowledge of these peoples' sides of the story.
So here is a short list correcting/restating some facts from the last post:
1) Sal Sessa isn't some punk 20-year old trying to score chicks. He's a grown man, and judging by the mail he wrote me, an educated, intelligent one at that.
2) He's talking about women in coffee shops and social settings. Places where a guy SHOULD be able to talk to the people around him.
3) New York City is probably the hardest place in the world to meet people, because everybody's in a big rush, and is scared and guarded and afraid of strangers.
4) Sal didn't even seem pissed about this, which probably means that he's got a pretty good sense of humor (and that he's not going to come and kick my ass.)
For the record ladies: On the train/bus or while you're walking in the streets, the iPod's a great guy-repellent. But for crying out fucking loud... if you're in Starbucks, take them the fuck off. You HAVE to give a guy SOME opportunity to say hi. It's really only fair.
Otherwise, why don't you just tattoo the words, "I AM A DYKE" on your forehead, and then we'll know to leave you alone. Sorry Sal.
I make fun of everyone and everything that catches my fancy, and I hope that if the people involved actually see what I've said about them, they'll keep their sense of humor about it and not stalk me down and kick my ass. And the real fact of the matter is, sometimes (probably more than sometimes) I'm a complete jerk-off and I go too far.
A couple of weeks ago, I pulled posts out of the Daily News' "Voice of the People" section and tore into a couple of complete strangers for no real reason. I jumped to numerous conclusions without any knowledge of these peoples' sides of the story.
So here is a short list correcting/restating some facts from the last post:
1) Sal Sessa isn't some punk 20-year old trying to score chicks. He's a grown man, and judging by the mail he wrote me, an educated, intelligent one at that.
2) He's talking about women in coffee shops and social settings. Places where a guy SHOULD be able to talk to the people around him.
3) New York City is probably the hardest place in the world to meet people, because everybody's in a big rush, and is scared and guarded and afraid of strangers.
4) Sal didn't even seem pissed about this, which probably means that he's got a pretty good sense of humor (and that he's not going to come and kick my ass.)
For the record ladies: On the train/bus or while you're walking in the streets, the iPod's a great guy-repellent. But for crying out fucking loud... if you're in Starbucks, take them the fuck off. You HAVE to give a guy SOME opportunity to say hi. It's really only fair.
Otherwise, why don't you just tattoo the words, "I AM A DYKE" on your forehead, and then we'll know to leave you alone. Sorry Sal.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Giving as Good as I Get
Thank you, New York Post, for giving me this wonderful article.
This gives me the chance to do something that I know you've all wanted to see. You've seen me take giant steaming dumps on the White Sox, Cubs, Reds, Dodgers and just about everybody else but I haven't said a thing about the team I pull for. Well here we go.
So lets get started with trades that Joel Sherman thinks the Yankees should pull immediately, trades that will restore the pinstripe glory and all that.
Yanks trade Horne and Ohlendorf to the Pirates for Damaso Marte
Damaso Marte. That's what Horne and Ohlendorf are netting for the Yanks? Entering the season, Horne and Ohlendorf were ranked 5 and 9 in the Yankees system by Baseball America. The Yankees are trading two of their top-10 prospects for a lefty reliever who looks good in the weakest hitting division in baseball? Yeah, great fucking idea. Trade 12 years of young, cheap pitching for 50 innings of Damaso Marte. Brilliant!
Yanks trade Melky Cabrera, Ian Kennedy and Austin Romine for Huston Street
Billy Beane is sitting in his office at about 9:00 PM on a Thursday night when his phone rings.
Billy Beane: Hello?
Brian Cashman: Hey Billy! It's Brian Cashman with the Yankees. I have a trade offer for you.
Beane: Brian, I've told you already that we don't want Giambi or Damon back.
Cashman: I know, this one's way better! Cabrera and Kennedy for Huston Street!
Beane: Kennedy's hurt.
Cashman: Just a little bit! And you get Melky Cabrera!!
Beane: Whoa! MELKY CABRERA!! I thought you meant Miguel Cabrera!!
Cashman: Yup! Melky! Los Leche!!!
Beane: Oh my God! Hang on, I have to text my BFF Paul DePodesta to tell him about this!!! OMG PAUL I GOT MELKY OMFG LOL CASHMAN OMGOMGOMG!!!!!!1
Kennedy's hurt and his value is shit right now. Melky is a decent centerfielder with a .338 OBP. Which is to say, not really what Beane salivates over. Billy Beane would laugh at Cashman. Then hang up the phone. An hour later, he'd call Cashman back and laugh some more. Beane would then, go out for happy hour, get drunk, stumble into his house at 3 AM and call Cashman again, waking him from a sound sleep.... to laugh at him again.
Yanks trade Hideki Matsui, Jose Tabata and Alberto Gonzalez to the Giants for Jonathan Sanchez and Randy Winn
There was talk of a Matsui deal at the start of the year. Cashman wanted Sanchez. The Giants offered Noah Lowry. So now that Sanchez has thrown 75 pretty good innings this year, the Giants are going to give him up? Tabata is underachieving, Gonzalez can't hit. Again, this trade is not happening.
Yanks trade Edwar Ramirez and J.B. Cox to the Astros for Ty Wigginton
I might have failed to mention, the Yankees are supposed to make all 5 of these trades, or it doesn't work. Sherman thinks the Yanks need Wigginton to play first base now that he's moved Matsui and cleared up the DH spot for Giambi.
Problems:
1) None of the trades up to this one would work.
2) Giambi can't hit when he DH's. He's hitting now, so why fuck with him?
3) Matsui has a no-trade clause and would probably reject a deal to the Giants, even if the Giants were crazy enough to pull the trigger on that deal.
So I'm going to go ahead and say no. The Yankees do not need Ty Wigginton.
A three-way trade in which the Yanks get Nick Swisher, Matt Thornton and John Danks. The White Sox get Melky Cabrera, Hideki Matsui, Ian Kennedy and Ray Durham. The Giants get Paul Konerko, Alberto Gonzalez and Shelley Duncan.
I guess this one is a fall-back plan if 1-4 fail. Otherwise the Yanks are trading Melky, Matsui, Kennedy and Gonzalez twice. But lets break this down.
Yanks lose: Melky, Matsui, Kennedy, Gonzalez, Duncan.
Yanks get: Danks, Swisher, Thornton
2 Months ago, the Yanks wouldn't give up Kennedy and Melky for Johan Santana. Now they move them for basically, Danks and Swisher? Pshh...
White Sox lose: Swisher, Thornton, Danks, Konerko
White Sox get: Melky, Matsui, Kennedy, Durham
The White Sox gave up a ton for Swisher. They're dumping him for this garbage? And Danks? Who's 23 and has been lights out so far this year?
Giants lose: Durham
Giants get: Konerko, Gonzalez, Duncan
Do I need to say anything? Anything at all? Ray Durham for Paul Konerko. The White Sox are in first place, and they're having a fucking fire sale.
Joel Sherman, your article represents epic failure. Please punch yourself in the testicles.
This gives me the chance to do something that I know you've all wanted to see. You've seen me take giant steaming dumps on the White Sox, Cubs, Reds, Dodgers and just about everybody else but I haven't said a thing about the team I pull for. Well here we go.
So lets get started with trades that Joel Sherman thinks the Yankees should pull immediately, trades that will restore the pinstripe glory and all that.
Yanks trade Horne and Ohlendorf to the Pirates for Damaso Marte
Damaso Marte. That's what Horne and Ohlendorf are netting for the Yanks? Entering the season, Horne and Ohlendorf were ranked 5 and 9 in the Yankees system by Baseball America. The Yankees are trading two of their top-10 prospects for a lefty reliever who looks good in the weakest hitting division in baseball? Yeah, great fucking idea. Trade 12 years of young, cheap pitching for 50 innings of Damaso Marte. Brilliant!
Yanks trade Melky Cabrera, Ian Kennedy and Austin Romine for Huston Street
Billy Beane is sitting in his office at about 9:00 PM on a Thursday night when his phone rings.
Billy Beane: Hello?
Brian Cashman: Hey Billy! It's Brian Cashman with the Yankees. I have a trade offer for you.
Beane: Brian, I've told you already that we don't want Giambi or Damon back.
Cashman: I know, this one's way better! Cabrera and Kennedy for Huston Street!
Beane: Kennedy's hurt.
Cashman: Just a little bit! And you get Melky Cabrera!!
Beane: Whoa! MELKY CABRERA!! I thought you meant Miguel Cabrera!!
Cashman: Yup! Melky! Los Leche!!!
Beane: Oh my God! Hang on, I have to text my BFF Paul DePodesta to tell him about this!!! OMG PAUL I GOT MELKY OMFG LOL CASHMAN OMGOMGOMG!!!!!!1
Kennedy's hurt and his value is shit right now. Melky is a decent centerfielder with a .338 OBP. Which is to say, not really what Beane salivates over. Billy Beane would laugh at Cashman. Then hang up the phone. An hour later, he'd call Cashman back and laugh some more. Beane would then, go out for happy hour, get drunk, stumble into his house at 3 AM and call Cashman again, waking him from a sound sleep.... to laugh at him again.
Yanks trade Hideki Matsui, Jose Tabata and Alberto Gonzalez to the Giants for Jonathan Sanchez and Randy Winn
There was talk of a Matsui deal at the start of the year. Cashman wanted Sanchez. The Giants offered Noah Lowry. So now that Sanchez has thrown 75 pretty good innings this year, the Giants are going to give him up? Tabata is underachieving, Gonzalez can't hit. Again, this trade is not happening.
Yanks trade Edwar Ramirez and J.B. Cox to the Astros for Ty Wigginton
I might have failed to mention, the Yankees are supposed to make all 5 of these trades, or it doesn't work. Sherman thinks the Yanks need Wigginton to play first base now that he's moved Matsui and cleared up the DH spot for Giambi.
Problems:
1) None of the trades up to this one would work.
2) Giambi can't hit when he DH's. He's hitting now, so why fuck with him?
3) Matsui has a no-trade clause and would probably reject a deal to the Giants, even if the Giants were crazy enough to pull the trigger on that deal.
So I'm going to go ahead and say no. The Yankees do not need Ty Wigginton.
A three-way trade in which the Yanks get Nick Swisher, Matt Thornton and John Danks. The White Sox get Melky Cabrera, Hideki Matsui, Ian Kennedy and Ray Durham. The Giants get Paul Konerko, Alberto Gonzalez and Shelley Duncan.
I guess this one is a fall-back plan if 1-4 fail. Otherwise the Yanks are trading Melky, Matsui, Kennedy and Gonzalez twice. But lets break this down.
Yanks lose: Melky, Matsui, Kennedy, Gonzalez, Duncan.
Yanks get: Danks, Swisher, Thornton
2 Months ago, the Yanks wouldn't give up Kennedy and Melky for Johan Santana. Now they move them for basically, Danks and Swisher? Pshh...
White Sox lose: Swisher, Thornton, Danks, Konerko
White Sox get: Melky, Matsui, Kennedy, Durham
The White Sox gave up a ton for Swisher. They're dumping him for this garbage? And Danks? Who's 23 and has been lights out so far this year?
Giants lose: Durham
Giants get: Konerko, Gonzalez, Duncan
Do I need to say anything? Anything at all? Ray Durham for Paul Konerko. The White Sox are in first place, and they're having a fucking fire sale.
Joel Sherman, your article represents epic failure. Please punch yourself in the testicles.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Also for the Cubs Fans?
I want to start out by saying that I really only linked that Cubs video because it cracked me up. I think you guys have a pretty solid shot this year because I like your offense a lot. I think it needs another arm in the rotation, and another reliable guy in the pen, but yeah, you get it. So to the 728 Cubs fans who've cursed me out in the last 3 days... SEE!?! I don't hate your team.
Also, I took a little voting on the Cubs messaging boards (Literally "a little voting" because there were 3 votes casted, and 27 people cursing me out for the Cubs review). The point of the "voting" was to determine what team I'd review next, the Cardinals or the White Sox. The winner? The Chicago White Sox. And I even found a video for them too! But more on that later.
Starting Pitchers: Javy Vasquez, John Danks, Gavin Floyd, Mark Buerhle, Jose Contreras
I want to start by saying that as a Yankee fan, I hate Javy Vasquez. I hate him like Juan Uribe hates to get on base. I hate him like Eric Gagne hates the ban on steroids. That said, he's been very good this year, and will probably continue to be this good. Danks and Floyd have looked great too, however, I'm going out on a limb and selling the idea of them both keeping it up.
Danks and Floyd are both former 1st rounders... but they were both terrible pitchers last year, and Floyd's been sucking for a while. Maybe they both figured it out and learned how to pitch or maybe nobody in the AL is hitting!!!! My feeling is that these guys are going to end up with ERAs in the mid-4's. Yup. Around the league average, because I've seen them pitch.. and they don't look as good as the results so far.
Contreras is 800 years old and blows. He'll gag like he always does. And Buerhle signed a nice big contract extension so he could die in peace.
Rotation Grade: B-plus
Infielders: AJ Pierzynski, Paul Konerko, Juan Uribe, Joe Crede, Orlando Cabrera
Pierzynski is a fucking tool. He also hasn't had an OPS+ over 100 since 2003 in Minnesota. So I'm calling bullshit on the OPS+ 124. That's coming down... a fucking lot.
Konerko looks like a really old 32, doesn't he? Fact of the matter is that for some reason, this guy ALWAYS sucks in May. He's definitely going to hit better than .216/.341/.353.
Juan Uribe doesn't belong in the major leagues, and Ozzie Guillen should be beaten about the head with a frozen trout for keeping him in the lineup when a minor leaguer, ANY MINOR LEAGUER could help this team more. O-Cab is also sucking balls so far this year. Unlike Uribe, he should improve somewhat. And Joe Crede... OPS+ 132... OBP .352... previous career best...323. Walks? Not usually. Healthy? Rarely. Going to OPS .866 for the season? No.
Infield Grade: D+minus
Outfielders: Carlos Quentin, Nick Swisher, Jermaine Dye
Jermaine Dye and Carlos Quentin are actually living people? Are you fucking serious? I thought they both died like two years ago. The only explanation I have for this outfield is that Quentin and Dye stole Nick Swisher and Jim Thome's talent like the MonStars in Space Jam.
Swisher is still drawing walks and he's going to hit. Dye and Quentin should come back to Earth a little bit, and the restraining order that keeps Michael Jordan from coming within 100 yards of U.S. Cellular Field will remain intact.
Outfield Grade: A-minus
Designated Hitter: Jim Thome
Like I said, I blame Carlos Quentin! No, not really. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that he's 87 years old. Thome is still probably good for 30 homers, but he's supposed to be one of the guys who gets on base enough to make up for the fact that Crede, Uribe, Pierzynski and Cabrera aren't going to. No grade for Thome. Maybe some carbon dating.
Bullpen: Bobby Jenks, Scott Linebrink, Octavio Dotel, Boone Logan, Matt Thornton, Nick Masset
Shit... they've been really good, haven't they? Dotel, Logan, and Thornton aren't as good as they've been. That will catch up to them sooner, rather than later. No complains about Jenks and Linebrink.
Bullpen Grade: B+ for the solid back end.
Coach, Bench, Heart, Pulse-Rate and Other Stuff that Shouldn't Matter as Much as You Think
Notice, I said SHOULDN'T matter as much as you think, because it shouldn't. And it wouldn't if Ozzie Guillen had a normal, functioning brain. He does not. And here's a list of reasons why Ozzie is going to cost his team the division.
A) His insistence on leaving Juan Uribe in the lineup. Uribe hasn't been a good player since 2004. He's batting .198/.262/.328 this year (and batted .252, .235 and .234 the 3 years before this, so it's not a fluke.) He walks never. And a full season will prove that he sucks just as much defensively at 2B, as he does at SS. And he does suck at SS.
B) Orlando Cabrera is batting .219/.275/.290! So Ozzie juggles him between leadoff and the two-hole. Where he can make the most possible outs. O-Cab's never been great at getting on base, and in his worst "getting on base" year, he's batting first or second.
C) Ozzie's Smartball is the opposite of smart... because Ozzie is going to bunt, hit-and-run, and get guys caught stealing every chance he gets. And every time his smartysmartOzzieball bullshit fails, that's costing the White Sox runs. This team probably won't score enough runs on it's own... and he's going to dirty sanchez them out of a few more.
Proof of C: The Sox have stolen 13 bases this year. And been caught 9 times. That's an amazing 59% rate of success. 45 games into the season, Nick Swisher has tied his CAREER HIGH for Caught Stealing. Joe Crede's been caught stealing!!! Joe Crede has no business running bases. Ever. Ever ever ever ever!!!!!!! Joe Crede is the living, breathing embodiment of the words "SHOULD. NOT. RUN. EVER."
SmartOzzieGritHustleAngerAggressionJayMariottiIsAFag Grade: Epic Fail
Okay, Epic Fail is not a letter grade... but I needed something to properly emphasize that Ozzie Guillen is the worst, and most overrated coach in baseball. His team won a world series in SPITE of him a few years ago, not because of him. They won because their pitching was out-of-this-world good that year, and got better in the playoffs. Their pitching this year is not nearly that good, and their offense isn't improved enough to carry them.
Look for Cleveland to take over the division within the next month. And here's the video I promised you. And God willing, Ozzie will shut the fuck up.
Also, I took a little voting on the Cubs messaging boards (Literally "a little voting" because there were 3 votes casted, and 27 people cursing me out for the Cubs review). The point of the "voting" was to determine what team I'd review next, the Cardinals or the White Sox. The winner? The Chicago White Sox. And I even found a video for them too! But more on that later.
Starting Pitchers: Javy Vasquez, John Danks, Gavin Floyd, Mark Buerhle, Jose Contreras
I want to start by saying that as a Yankee fan, I hate Javy Vasquez. I hate him like Juan Uribe hates to get on base. I hate him like Eric Gagne hates the ban on steroids. That said, he's been very good this year, and will probably continue to be this good. Danks and Floyd have looked great too, however, I'm going out on a limb and selling the idea of them both keeping it up.
Danks and Floyd are both former 1st rounders... but they were both terrible pitchers last year, and Floyd's been sucking for a while. Maybe they both figured it out and learned how to pitch or maybe nobody in the AL is hitting!!!! My feeling is that these guys are going to end up with ERAs in the mid-4's. Yup. Around the league average, because I've seen them pitch.. and they don't look as good as the results so far.
Contreras is 800 years old and blows. He'll gag like he always does. And Buerhle signed a nice big contract extension so he could die in peace.
Rotation Grade: B-plus
Infielders: AJ Pierzynski, Paul Konerko, Juan Uribe, Joe Crede, Orlando Cabrera
Pierzynski is a fucking tool. He also hasn't had an OPS+ over 100 since 2003 in Minnesota. So I'm calling bullshit on the OPS+ 124. That's coming down... a fucking lot.
Konerko looks like a really old 32, doesn't he? Fact of the matter is that for some reason, this guy ALWAYS sucks in May. He's definitely going to hit better than .216/.341/.353.
Juan Uribe doesn't belong in the major leagues, and Ozzie Guillen should be beaten about the head with a frozen trout for keeping him in the lineup when a minor leaguer, ANY MINOR LEAGUER could help this team more. O-Cab is also sucking balls so far this year. Unlike Uribe, he should improve somewhat. And Joe Crede... OPS+ 132... OBP .352... previous career best...323. Walks? Not usually. Healthy? Rarely. Going to OPS .866 for the season? No.
Infield Grade: D+minus
Outfielders: Carlos Quentin, Nick Swisher, Jermaine Dye
Jermaine Dye and Carlos Quentin are actually living people? Are you fucking serious? I thought they both died like two years ago. The only explanation I have for this outfield is that Quentin and Dye stole Nick Swisher and Jim Thome's talent like the MonStars in Space Jam.
Swisher is still drawing walks and he's going to hit. Dye and Quentin should come back to Earth a little bit, and the restraining order that keeps Michael Jordan from coming within 100 yards of U.S. Cellular Field will remain intact.
Outfield Grade: A-minus
Designated Hitter: Jim Thome
Like I said, I blame Carlos Quentin! No, not really. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that he's 87 years old. Thome is still probably good for 30 homers, but he's supposed to be one of the guys who gets on base enough to make up for the fact that Crede, Uribe, Pierzynski and Cabrera aren't going to. No grade for Thome. Maybe some carbon dating.
Bullpen: Bobby Jenks, Scott Linebrink, Octavio Dotel, Boone Logan, Matt Thornton, Nick Masset
Shit... they've been really good, haven't they? Dotel, Logan, and Thornton aren't as good as they've been. That will catch up to them sooner, rather than later. No complains about Jenks and Linebrink.
Bullpen Grade: B+ for the solid back end.
Coach, Bench, Heart, Pulse-Rate and Other Stuff that Shouldn't Matter as Much as You Think
Notice, I said SHOULDN'T matter as much as you think, because it shouldn't. And it wouldn't if Ozzie Guillen had a normal, functioning brain. He does not. And here's a list of reasons why Ozzie is going to cost his team the division.
A) His insistence on leaving Juan Uribe in the lineup. Uribe hasn't been a good player since 2004. He's batting .198/.262/.328 this year (and batted .252, .235 and .234 the 3 years before this, so it's not a fluke.) He walks never. And a full season will prove that he sucks just as much defensively at 2B, as he does at SS. And he does suck at SS.
B) Orlando Cabrera is batting .219/.275/.290! So Ozzie juggles him between leadoff and the two-hole. Where he can make the most possible outs. O-Cab's never been great at getting on base, and in his worst "getting on base" year, he's batting first or second.
C) Ozzie's Smartball is the opposite of smart... because Ozzie is going to bunt, hit-and-run, and get guys caught stealing every chance he gets. And every time his smartysmartOzzieball bullshit fails, that's costing the White Sox runs. This team probably won't score enough runs on it's own... and he's going to dirty sanchez them out of a few more.
Proof of C: The Sox have stolen 13 bases this year. And been caught 9 times. That's an amazing 59% rate of success. 45 games into the season, Nick Swisher has tied his CAREER HIGH for Caught Stealing. Joe Crede's been caught stealing!!! Joe Crede has no business running bases. Ever. Ever ever ever ever!!!!!!! Joe Crede is the living, breathing embodiment of the words "SHOULD. NOT. RUN. EVER."
SmartOzzieGritHustleAngerAggressionJayMariottiIsAFag Grade: Epic Fail
Okay, Epic Fail is not a letter grade... but I needed something to properly emphasize that Ozzie Guillen is the worst, and most overrated coach in baseball. His team won a world series in SPITE of him a few years ago, not because of him. They won because their pitching was out-of-this-world good that year, and got better in the playoffs. Their pitching this year is not nearly that good, and their offense isn't improved enough to carry them.
Look for Cleveland to take over the division within the next month. And here's the video I promised you. And God willing, Ozzie will shut the fuck up.
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