Also for the Cubs Fans?

I want to start out by saying that I really only linked that Cubs video because it cracked me up. I think you guys have a pretty solid shot this year because I like your offense a lot. I think it needs another arm in the rotation, and another reliable guy in the pen, but yeah, you get it. So to the 728 Cubs fans who've cursed me out in the last 3 days... SEE!?! I don't hate your team.

Also, I took a little voting on the Cubs messaging boards (Literally "a little voting" because there were 3 votes casted, and 27 people cursing me out for the Cubs review). The point of the "voting" was to determine what team I'd review next, the Cardinals or the White Sox. The winner? The Chicago White Sox. And I even found a video for them too! But more on that later.

Starting Pitchers: Javy Vasquez, John Danks, Gavin Floyd, Mark Buerhle, Jose Contreras

I want to start by saying that as a Yankee fan, I hate Javy Vasquez. I hate him like Juan Uribe hates to get on base. I hate him like Eric Gagne hates the ban on steroids. That said, he's been very good this year, and will probably continue to be this good. Danks and Floyd have looked great too, however, I'm going out on a limb and selling the idea of them both keeping it up.

Danks and Floyd are both former 1st rounders... but they were both terrible pitchers last year, and Floyd's been sucking for a while. Maybe they both figured it out and learned how to pitch or maybe nobody in the AL is hitting!!!! My feeling is that these guys are going to end up with ERAs in the mid-4's. Yup. Around the league average, because I've seen them pitch.. and they don't look as good as the results so far.

Contreras is 800 years old and blows. He'll gag like he always does. And Buerhle signed a nice big contract extension so he could die in peace.

Rotation Grade: B-plus

Infielders: AJ Pierzynski, Paul Konerko, Juan Uribe, Joe Crede, Orlando Cabrera

Pierzynski is a fucking tool. He also hasn't had an OPS+ over 100 since 2003 in Minnesota. So I'm calling bullshit on the OPS+ 124. That's coming down... a fucking lot.

Konerko looks like a really old 32, doesn't he? Fact of the matter is that for some reason, this guy ALWAYS sucks in May. He's definitely going to hit better than .216/.341/.353.

Juan Uribe doesn't belong in the major leagues, and Ozzie Guillen should be beaten about the head with a frozen trout for keeping him in the lineup when a minor leaguer, ANY MINOR LEAGUER could help this team more. O-Cab is also sucking balls so far this year. Unlike Uribe, he should improve somewhat. And Joe Crede... OPS+ 132... OBP .352... previous career best...323. Walks? Not usually. Healthy? Rarely. Going to OPS .866 for the season? No.

Infield Grade: D+minus

Outfielders: Carlos Quentin, Nick Swisher, Jermaine Dye

Jermaine Dye and Carlos Quentin are actually living people? Are you fucking serious? I thought they both died like two years ago. The only explanation I have for this outfield is that Quentin and Dye stole Nick Swisher and Jim Thome's talent like the MonStars in Space Jam.

Swisher is still drawing walks and he's going to hit. Dye and Quentin should come back to Earth a little bit, and the restraining order that keeps Michael Jordan from coming within 100 yards of U.S. Cellular Field will remain intact.

Outfield Grade: A-minus

Designated Hitter: Jim Thome

Like I said, I blame Carlos Quentin! No, not really. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that he's 87 years old. Thome is still probably good for 30 homers, but he's supposed to be one of the guys who gets on base enough to make up for the fact that Crede, Uribe, Pierzynski and Cabrera aren't going to. No grade for Thome. Maybe some carbon dating.

Bullpen: Bobby Jenks, Scott Linebrink, Octavio Dotel, Boone Logan, Matt Thornton, Nick Masset

Shit... they've been really good, haven't they? Dotel, Logan, and Thornton aren't as good as they've been. That will catch up to them sooner, rather than later. No complains about Jenks and Linebrink.

Bullpen Grade: B+ for the solid back end.

Coach, Bench, Heart, Pulse-Rate and Other Stuff that Shouldn't Matter as Much as You Think

Notice, I said SHOULDN'T matter as much as you think, because it shouldn't. And it wouldn't if Ozzie Guillen had a normal, functioning brain. He does not. And here's a list of reasons why Ozzie is going to cost his team the division.

A) His insistence on leaving Juan Uribe in the lineup. Uribe hasn't been a good player since 2004. He's batting .198/.262/.328 this year (and batted .252, .235 and .234 the 3 years before this, so it's not a fluke.) He walks never. And a full season will prove that he sucks just as much defensively at 2B, as he does at SS. And he does suck at SS.

B) Orlando Cabrera is batting .219/.275/.290! So Ozzie juggles him between leadoff and the two-hole. Where he can make the most possible outs. O-Cab's never been great at getting on base, and in his worst "getting on base" year, he's batting first or second.

C) Ozzie's Smartball is the opposite of smart... because Ozzie is going to bunt, hit-and-run, and get guys caught stealing every chance he gets. And every time his smartysmartOzzieball bullshit fails, that's costing the White Sox runs. This team probably won't score enough runs on it's own... and he's going to dirty sanchez them out of a few more.

Proof of C: The Sox have stolen 13 bases this year. And been caught 9 times. That's an amazing 59% rate of success. 45 games into the season, Nick Swisher has tied his CAREER HIGH for Caught Stealing. Joe Crede's been caught stealing!!! Joe Crede has no business running bases. Ever. Ever ever ever ever!!!!!!! Joe Crede is the living, breathing embodiment of the words "SHOULD. NOT. RUN. EVER."

SmartOzzieGritHustleAngerAggressionJayMariottiIsAFag Grade: Epic Fail

Okay, Epic Fail is not a letter grade... but I needed something to properly emphasize that Ozzie Guillen is the worst, and most overrated coach in baseball. His team won a world series in SPITE of him a few years ago, not because of him. They won because their pitching was out-of-this-world good that year, and got better in the playoffs. Their pitching this year is not nearly that good, and their offense isn't improved enough to carry them.

Look for Cleveland to take over the division within the next month. And here's the video I promised you. And God willing, Ozzie will shut the fuck up.

My First Repeat Offender!

Jeff Moore of Dugout Central (formerly The Baseline Report) has managed to make the list again. You'll remember Moore's crazy "trade your closer in April" rant from about a week ago.

Well, he's followed that conventional wisdom up with some advice for the San Diego Padres and Houston Astros!

Astros get:
Randy Wolf – SP
Brian Giles – OF

Padres get:
Michael Bourn – OF (Oops! Wrong Bourne.)
Wesley Wright – RP
Jack Cassel – SP/RP

Why is this so crazy? Let me count the reasons.

1) It's May 14th. Nobody, and I mean nobody. Nobody. No effing body starts breaking up their roster this early. Yeah, the Pods are 15-25, but the strength of their team is the pitching and they're going to give up a pitcher 40 games into the season?

2) Justin Huber, Brian Giles, Scott Hairston, Jody Gerut, Paul McAnulty. Those are the outfielders on the Padres active roster. Not impressive. No pop whatsoever here. How does this team score runs? Fucked if I know. Here's a good idea. Lets dump the one solid offensive player in the group... and replace him with Michael Bourn... who Jeff Moore repeatedly points out, is hitting under .200. That's big help to the Padres.

3) Randy Wolf is going to solidify the Astros pitching staff? Really? Shit, I need sub-numbers for this.
a) Randy Wolf hasn't made more than 23 starts or pitched more than 137 innings since 2003.
b) Randy Wolf is making $4.5M and the 'Stros are kinda cheap when it comes to bad pitching.
c) Randy Wolf has a 5.16 ERA so far this year.
d) Randy Wolf hasn't had an ERA+ better than 110 since 2002.

Lets state what's actually going on in this trade:

Astros get:
Randy Wolf – Oft-Injured, Overpaid Stiff with a career ERA+ of 101.
Brian Giles – 37-year old outfielder who's owed $9M this year, and will probably demand that his option for next year at $9M be picked up to approve a trade.

Padres get:
Michael Bourn – Big time prospect... but everybody wonders if he can hit. Sorta looks like he can't hit.
Wesley Wright – Doesn't offer "substantial value" per Jeff Moore, who never mentions him again after that.
Jack Cassel – Sucked in 2 starts. But not much more than Wolf has sucked for the last 5 years.

I'm going to go ahead and say that this is the rare trade that would help NOBODY.

The Astros add like $23942378234879 Million in payroll for an average-at-best pitcher who's going to get hurt, and a 37-year old outfielder in decline.

The Padres get a 25-year old speedster who can't hit (Juan Pierre anyone?) and a couple of pitchers who don't offer "substantial value" per the guy suggesting this trade.

I guess it helps the Padres slightly... because they'd shed some bad (but short-term) payroll. Problem is that the name of the article is "Astros Should Trade for Padres' Wolf and Giles."

No, Jeff Moore. No, they most certainly should not. In fact, this is the opposite of what they should do. Pags gets a tag because he employs this fucktard.

Why I Do What I Do...

I'm writing these articles because sites like FireJoeMorgan.com enlightened and inspired me, because they woke me up to the fact that people bitch about shitty sports journalism from the safety and solitude of their mother's basements. And I just can't go back to sleep.

I would like to thank Mr. J.A. Adande for this wonderful piece he's written about CP3, Chris Paul. Actually, it would be a wonderful piece if it made any fucking sense at all.

Chris Paul has become the must-see player in these playoffs, the one doing the most amazing things with the greatest regularity, the one worth flying 1,700 miles across two time zones to see.

Fair enough, Chris Paul is pretty awesome. I can't speak on the worthiness of flying 1,700 miles across two time zones. That sort of thing would involve leaving the aforementioned safety and solitude of my mom's basement, where I would surely be eaten by bears.

Well, there was another reason I wanted to come down to the Big Easy. I had to confront and question him on this little theory I've developed: Chris Paul is a mean guy.

You flew 1,700 miles to New Orleans to ask CP3 if he's mean? Please don't joke with me about something this important J.A. Adande. Was this really why you traversed two time zones? You couldn't like... hit him up on the celly? Isn't he in your Five?

When I say this to him, he doesn't offer a rebuttal, only a justification.

Okay, so he's a mean guy. And he admits it. We're done here, your trip was a success. Unless you do something crazy like contradicting yourself in the next paragra....

He's the opposite of some of the great point guards to whom he's compared, the ones whose angelic looks masked a darker side. Isiah Thomas wore a continuous smile on the court but could be treacherous off it (ask Adrian Dantley). John Stockton looked clean-cut but was one of the dirtiest players in the league (ask anyone who ever caught one of his elbows).

We've already established that CP3 is mean. He even admits it himself. In the words of Harvey Keitel in "From Dusk til Dawn", Chris Paul is a mean mmmm... mmmm... servant of God!



And this should make him the opposite of what Cheech so eloquently discussed in the above clip.

J.A. Adande is telling us that Paul is somehow "the opposite" of Stockton and Isiah... because they were also... umm... mean.

For the sake of keeping this short, Adande never does explain what in the purple motherfucker he means by this. Instead, he goes on to explain that Chris Paul is a nit-picky son of a bitch to his teammates, complaining about everything they do incorrectly.

This is the sort of thing that goes over great when your team is winning.

Mark my words. If that team starts losing, you're going to hear about how Chris Paul is a clubhouse cancer.