Bad Joke on Bad Joke Crime!!

Yes, I'm going to bitch about something from ESPN Page 2. Yes, I realize that D.J. Gallo, Mike Philbrick and David Schoenfield intend this shit as humor. Well, it's hacky, terrible, un-funny humor and it needs to be punished.

According to the Dallas Morning News and about 97 percent of the esteemed members of the blogosphere, Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson are done.

Am I reading a sports website? Or the latest issue of US Weekly? Do sports fans really give a fat baby's dick about this? I think most smart football fans are sitting at home and praying that Jessica Simpson hooks up with Rick Salomon and he spills out a sex tape, but until it happens, who cares!

Here are a few suggestions for No. 9's next piece of arm candy.

Here's a run-down of the suggestions.

1. President Bush's daughter - She's from Texas.
2. Roger Clemen's wife - See Joke #1.
3. Nick Lachey's other ex - Duh.
4. Lauren Conrad - Insert hacky joke about "game" film... oh, you already did.
5. Old actress from 'Dallas' - Logistical similarity to fictious character.
6. Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders - See Joke #1.
7. Minka Kelly - See Joke #5.
8. Lohan - Because making fun of drunks is funny! Silly alcoholic!!
9. Jessica Biel - Jeter and Timberlake hit it. Which is funny because...
10. Star Jones - Star in name + Star on helmet = Funny Joke! LOL!
11. Marisa Miller - Will make Tom Brady jealous!
12. Tom Brady's ex - See Joke #11.
13. Tila Tequila - Tequila -->Mexican -->Romo in Mexico w/Jessica-->Big Laughs
14. Roger Clemens' side-piece - See Joke #1. Insert tacky reference to McCready being preyed on by a pedophile.
15. LeBron's Mom - Always classy to make fun of a guy's mother. And funny. Classy funny.
16. Tampa Bay Rays Third Baseman - Point out similarity to Eva Longoria's name + Make completely unrelated Ronaldo reference = Double Joke, mother fucker!!!

So to recap, 16 suggestions for a new girlfriend for Tony Romo.

Six jokes about Texas, the Cowboy's uniform or the sport Romo plays, four women over 50, at least two chicks that Roger Clemens has boffed, at least two chicks that Tom Brady has boffed, a drunk, a victim of pedophilia and a man. Zero viable suggestions, negative 37 laughs.

And if not for Heath Ledger's recent passing, you can be damned certain there would have been at least 11 Brokeback Mountain jokes.

Larry Brown, Bobcats and Prostitution!!

Dan Wetzel is a bad, bad man. And he fucking hates Larry Brown. Shit, who hates Larry Brown? Knick fans don't even hate Larry Brown. He seems like a nice enough dude, a little crazy, but nice enough anyway. And his results are usually satisfactory as a coach.

At this point, watching a Larry Brown introductory news conference is like catching the last days of Sinatra in Vegas.

Sinatra's last few shows in Vegas were probably VERY HOT TICKETS. I mean, it's your LAST CHANCE to see one of the greatest musicians in history. You think Larry Brown's news conference is that important of an event?

There’s really nothing left to see; nothing but an old legend hanging on, so desperate for the lifestyle and applause that he’ll play the songs he knows he can’t deliver, all for a fawning audience so desperate and delusional it willingly will suspend belief.

Did he really just insult the shit out of Ol' Blue Eyes like that? You know, the 10-year anniversary of Sinatra's death is 5/14/08. Very classy Dan Wetzel, picking on a guy who's been dead for 10 years. You think Larry Brown's really that bad?

The Charlotte Bobcats threw Brown his 14th new hire news conference – counting USA Basketball and assuming he had one for his one-month, no-game stint at Davidson College back in the day. Michael Jordan played the hopelessly naive audience this time, refusing to believe the reviews of Brown’s last few bombed performances.

Last few bombed performances? You mean this bombed performance? Or this one?

Or are you judging Larry Brown's entire career based on a team assembled by this guy? Really? This guy.

“How are you going to say no to Michael?” he said Tuesday.

Umm... why would an out-of-work basketball coach say no to a job?

That Ashley Dupre has said no to fewer men didn’t matter. LB’s first day always is the one for smiles and lies.

Hahaha! That's a joke about prostitution! So you're saying that Larry Brown has to sleep with Michael Jordan? That could end up sort of like this.

[Pistons Owner Bill] Davidson went on to call Brown “not a good person.”

That's very incriminating shit right there. Did I mention that Larry Brown took the 76ers to the NBA Finals with Allen Iverson and a bunch of guys off the street?

...

There's about another page and a half of poorly scripted digs at one of the better coaches in the NBA based on his sub-par performances with a flawed team USA roster, and the most dysfunctional team in the NBA.

Lets be serious here. We've watched the Knicks under Isiah Thomas for 2 full years. That's a bad fucking team. That's not Larry Brown's fault. Brown didn't assemble this roster of misfits. He didn't ink Jerome James or Jared Jeffries for $30M a piece...

He did his best in one year on the bench with a roster that NOBODY could have won with. And he's not very far removed from being a championship-level coach with the Pistons and 76ers.

Dan Wetzel just fucking hates Larry Brown.