It's Cohn-Sketball!!

What would I do without the Cohns? Probably the same thing I'd do without Bill Simmons or Dusty Baker. Or Jerry Manuel. What's that, you ask? Probably beat myself about the head with a baltine hammer. I might even turn to auto-erotic asphyxiation as a means of entertaining myself. You really never know.

Luckily, we don't have to find out because Iggy and Lowell are talking about the Golden State Warriors' selection of Anthony Randolph with the 14th pick in the Draft.

Lowell says: I don't like the Warriors' first pick, this Anthony Randolph.

I trust you have a very good reason for this Lowell, because you are a credible, intelligent and award-winning writer for the San Francisco Press Democrat.

He has potential written all over him,

Yeah, I know there's more to the sentence. But isn't this a good enough reason for Lowell Cohn to hate the pick? Alright, alright, here's the rest of the sentence.

which means he will, he might, deliver in some nebulous future but he ain't gonna deliver nothing now.

The sentence structure of "which means he will, he might, deliver" makes almost no sense to me. Moreso, the fact that he has "potential written all over him" is still construed to be a bad thing. The Warriors would have been much better off drafting Wilt Chamberlain's dead body, since it has no potential whatsoever.

Maybe general manager Chris Mullin will surprise us. Maybe he'll trade for a monster big man, the man who could anchor this scrappy entertaining midget team.

Lowell talks about Don Nelson in the article, but obviously he knows nothing about Don Nelson. Don Nelson benches Andris Biedrins because he WANTS to play small. Don Nelson has ALWAYS played small. Don Nelson is secretly afraid of anybody who stands taller than 6'9" because he thinks they're giant cyborgs who were sent back from the future to steal all of our Sweet 'n Low.

Until then, all I see is Randolph, a shrimp in a big man's body.

So you mean... exactly the kind of guy that Don Nelson will play. Yeah, terrible pick.

Iggy Says: Mullin wanted Kevin Garnett last year, but he couldn't close the deal. Since then, he's decided his team absolutely needs an athletic forward who can create match-up problems - i.e another Garnett.

No Iggy. Amazingly, you're also wrong. Nobody envisions Randolph turning into The Big Ticket. Nobody but you. Which is to reiterate, nobody. They're looking for an athletic guy who can run the floor and play an up-tempo game. They probably expect him to use his size and wing-span to defend and block some shots. I highly doubt they're expecting a guy who dropped to 14 to develop into one of the game's top 10 greatest power forwards in history.

So he's drafted big guy after big guy in hopes that one of these toothpicks "puts on weight" and becomes that player for him.

And again, putting on a little muscle, sure. But Iggy's describing it like Randolph is supposed to gain 100 lbs and ask Kobe how his ass taste.

Lowell replies: I can't believe you used the phrase "upside" and ipso facto -- what's up with that?

Tryin' to be a real sports journalist like my dear old dad!! Yeahhhh!!! By the way, I'm pretty sure Mel Kipper is in the process of suing everybody who's uttered the phrase "upside" without his express written consent. He trademarked that shit about 27 years ago.

The Blowing Cohns Update!!!!!

Some of you might remember the following from my May 27th post.

Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing! (Yup, that was Iggy Cohn's statement)

I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks. I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.

(And that was my response to the assertion that Zito would morph into Sandy Koufax because Iggy's dad called him a bum.)

So that was three weeks ago... lets find out how Zito's done under the immense pressure of trying to be responsible for making me give head to strangers.

5/29 vs. AZ - 6 IP, 6 H, 3 ER, 3 BB, 5 K's and a no decision. Not bad, a quality start, maybe he's turning it around... I'm nervous...
6/3 vs. Los Mets - 4.1 IP, 7 H, 5 ER, 5 BB, 1 K and a loss. Okay, he was allowed 1 loss. We're not out of the woods yet.
6/8 vs. The Nats - 5 IP, 7 H, 3 ER, 4 BB, 2 K's and a win. This can't happen, can it? This was a really cheap win... can he really win 14 in a row like this? That would be my luck.
6/13 vs. Oak - 5.2 IP, 6 H, 4 ER, 4 BB, 3 K's and a loss! Sort of fitting that the A's would be the team to save me from losing my oral virginity to a couple of short, pale Jewish men. Billy Beane, your crazy moneyball computer baseball simulations shall be forever welcome in my life! I'll even pretend to believe that you didn't write Moneyball!!! And I just might name my first-born child after Jack Cust. Especially if it's a girl.

So there you have it. If you're a sports journalist, and you make crazy predictions, bloggers will threaten to fly to your city and give you hummers. I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson from this... especially you, John Kruk.

New Name, Same Stupid Fucking Dopes

Iggy and Lowell Cohn are at it again... but not for Cohn vs. Cohn. Nope, that's gone. Now it's the Cohn Zone. Apparently, one of the fucking nerds in the IT department at The Press Democrat took care of that complex blog-name-nerd-nerd-nerd-changing stuff for Iggy and Lowell.

Here you'll find a fascinating argument on who belongs in the Hall of Fame and who doesn't. And by "fascinating" I do mean that reading this article without proper sunglasses could cause no less than 200 of your brain cells to commit suicide. Like emo kids.

ABSOLUTE LOCKS FOR THE HALL, NO DISCUSSION NEEDED: Tom Glavine, Ken Griffey, Jr., Trevor Hoffman, Derek Jeter, Randy Johnson, Greg Maddux, Mariano Rivera, Alex Rodriguez, Ivan Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, John Smoltz

Ivan Rodriguez? Really? Didn't he take some illegal pillsy stuff and mysteriously lose 30 pounds and all his muscles by "not eating junk food"? And Smoltz is no discussion needed? Did I miss like 100 wins in his career? Or did 200 wins and 150 saves become like the new 300 wins? Smoltz probably deserves to go... but... no discussion needed? Fuck you Iggy. And fuck you Lowell.

ABSOLUTE NOS, NO DISCUSSION NEEDED ON THESE GOOD, BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH PLAYERS: Luis Gonzalez, Mike Mussina, Andy Pettitte, Billy Wagner

Umm... no to Mussina and yes to Smoltz? Both without discussion? Smoltz and Mussina are actually pretty similar statistically. Here are the differences.

Mussina has won 49 (and counting) more games.
Smoltz has been in the big leagues for 2 years longer.
Smoltz closed for 4 years because he was too injury-proned to start, and racked up 154 saves.
Personally, I think Mussina's been the better pitcher, but I can understand opinions in either direction. To say that one is a LOCK for the Hall... and the other is OUT is complete fucking insanity. It keeps getting more crazy...

Ichiro: We know, he hasn't played enough games. But come on, this guy is great and belongs in the Hall.

I have to disagree here. Ichiro has 1668 hits in his career to date. 81% (1352) of them have been singles. And his 81% rate of success on stolen bases, means that his base-stealing barely compensates for the number of outs he gives away by getting caught. His career OPS (.811) ranks him 65th among active players between Mike Lowell and Carlos Guillen.

He's probably the second-best leadoff man of all time behind Ricky Henderson, and he's the best center fielder and/or right fielder in baseball.

I'm not going to argue for or against defense. It's value and quality are near-impossible to validate with statistics, although I'm certain he's not the best CF or RF in baseball.

I'm more concerned with "second-best leadoff man of all time." Ty Cobb batted leadoff, didn't he? With his career .366 average and .434 OBP? I'd take Tim Raines over Ichiro. Kenny Lofton. Point is... this arguement is fucking stupid. He's not the 2nd-best leadoff man of all time. He's not the second-best leadoff man of NOW. He's a good player, not a Hall of Famer.

Lowell's argument against Chipper Jones: Everyone says how he ranks as a switch hitter. But he's no Mickey Mantle. Now, that was a great switch hitter with a ton more power than Chipper, and with over 130 more home runs.

There you have it. The argument against Chipper Jones is: "He's not Mickey Mantle." That's funny, because when Mantle was up for the HOF, the argument against him was, "He's not a Third Baseman."

Here's why Jones will go: He's only 36, which means he has plenty of time to reach 500 homers and 500 doubles, and his career .310/.407/.550 (OPS+ 145) is out-fucking-standing.

Jeff Kent: Iggy and Lowell agree on Kent and what they agree on is NO in capital letters.

Hey Iggy and Lowell. You said no in capital letters by writing "NO." Saying NO (in capital letters) and following it with "in capital letters" is redundant. And stupid. We're reading this. We can see that you've capitalized the word no.

And again, why doesn't Jeff Kent get in? Name 5 second basemen who've hit 350+ homers, 500+ doubles, driven in almost 1500 RBIs and OPS+'d 123? What? You can't? Because second basemen don't hit like that?

He played second base so he could accumulate great offensive numbers for a second baseman. He should have been a third or first baseman.

Because he's the one who signs himself to a contract and pencils himself into the lineup every day at second base. Lets punish him. I'll be the first to say that Jeff Kent seems like a douche bag, but to penalize one of the best offensive second basemen of all time... because you think he should have played third? Sorta backward-assed.

Frank Thomas: Lowell says yes and Iggy says no.

Igglethorpe Masterson Cohn! Did your father drop you on your head as a child? How the fuck can you possibly argue against The Big Hurt!? I realize he's not Babe Ruth, but come on.

Iggy's argument anti Frank Thomas: Yes, he has great hitting numbers. Yes, he has two MVPs. But those awards came all the way back in 93 and 94. Thomas was a five-time All Star, but each of those appearances came between 93 and 97.

Iggy's argument against Frank Thomas is that he hasn't been the most absolutely ridiculously dominant hitter in all of baseball since 1997. Hey Iggy, that's because Big Frank had some injury problems. He's still hit 520 homers and 493 doubles and OPS'd almost 1.000 for his career.

Not to mention that from 1991 to 1997 he OPS'd six hundred thousand. I haven't checked the stats, because I'm certain it's about six hundred thousand. He was, by far, the most dominant first baseman of his era. And even now, he can still rake when he's healthy.

Jim Thome: Worth considering, but no cigar.

Haha! No cigar!! No soup for you!!!! Fuck Jim Thome and his 148 OPS+ career.

Those 500-plus homers are impressive, but he's a .280 hitter.

Other shitty, unimpressive hitters with batting averages around .280: Willie Stargell (.282), Willie McCovey (.270), Mike Schmidt (.267), Harmon Killebrew (.256), Eddie Matthews (.271), Ernie Banks (.274), Reggie Jackson (.262). Know what else all these shitheads have in common? They're all Hall of Famers.

Some players you absolutely have to wait around when they come to bat. With Thome, you could go grab a Coke.

You mean because Thome was busy drawing walks and posting a career .407 OBP? Ranking him 43rd in the entire history of the game of baseball? You're right. Fuck Jim Thome.