Bill Simmons: Boston Superfan!!!

Super Fucking Asshole is more like it. Yeah, lets not sugar coat this. Bill Simmons is a fucking tool. His employment at ESPN is nothing more than further clarification that the "Worldwide Leader in Sports" is little more than a nationally syndicated version of NESN and The Boston Globe rolled into one.

But being a fan and writing for ESPN isn't what makes Bill Simmons a fucking asshole. Here's what makes him a fucking asshole.

The fact that he's not even a good fan. He's not a true, stand-by-my-guys fan. He's your typical front-running butt-fucking bitch when the shit hits the fan.

Just for the sake of background, I have to point out the fact that this guy doesn't write a post about Hockey in like 77 years... except to say that the Boston Bruins are fucking dead to him (in the midst of another of their losing seasons.) Then comes back a couple of weeks ago preaching about how much he loves them... because they're in the playoffs.

In his latest installment, Bill is completely overreacting over the Celtics road playoff failures. Here are some excerpts from the article:

DOC: All right, guys, listen up. I want to go over the game plan so we're clear on everything.
RAY ALLEN: We have a game plan tonight?

A game plan? Walla walla fucking Washington!!! A game plan!! The fucking Celtics won 66 games this year. Whether they did so with or without a game plan is irrelevant I guess... because they won 66 fucking games. With Doc Rivers on the bench. Maybe you're overreacting to a couple of losses.

DOC: Not exactly, Eddie. I know we're something like 61-12 with you as our backup point guard, and I know Sam [Cassell] has been murdering us to the point that one of our owners asked me if he was "The Mole" last week. But let's keep things the way they are for one more game. To be honest, I really enjoy the expression on some of your faces when I don't play you in the first half, then you've checked out of the game mentally and suddenly I'm looking at you and telling you to go in. Let's keep that going as long as we can.

Yup... it's the 32 minutes that Sam Cassell played in 2 games in Cleveland that doomed the Celts. Not the fact that The Big Ticket morphed into Boris Diaw and developed a phobia of the paint. Think you're overreacting?

POSEY: I'm the only Celtic who's won a title other than Sam, so I feel like I know what I'm taking about here. The playoffs are all about matchups. Atlanta didn't have a single guy who could defend KG, but we never really exploited that. Against Cleveland, we should be attacking Szczerbiak with whoever he's guarding; that dude couldn't guard Oprah at this point. When they play Boobie Gibson and Delonte West at the same time, we should be going bigger with Paul [Pierce] at the 2 so he can post those guys up and punish them. When they put Ilgauskas on KG, we should be clearing out for KG so he can just go right by him every time. Big Z moves like a mummy; he can't handle KG facing up. I mean, it's all common sense, right?

Holy shit! James Posey should be the coach!! James Posey is a basketball genius! Why did Miami let this guy go? I bet Pat Riley thought he was after his job!! Wally Szczerbiak couldn't guard Oprah! Hahaha! Silly James Posey! Oprah doesn't play basketball!!! I bet that was a James Posey joke. He's a jokey guy, that James Posey.

PIERCE: Actually, that's not true -- I've only won four playoff series in my entire career.
RAY: Yeah, I'm not a winner, either. I've only made the conference finals once. Even in college, I didn't win. The only big victory I've ever had was the time I housed Denzel in "He Got Game."
KEVIN GARNETT: While we're coming clean, I haven't won anything either -- I've won three playoff series in 13 seasons.

Super fan Bill Simmons... pointing out that the Celtics 3 best players... who he's been raving about for the last 8 months non-stop... are a BUNCH OF FUCKING LOSERS!!!!!!!!! (Which, technically, they are... but they lost two games... not the series... two games. Are we overreacting?)

ALLEN: Yeah, maybe we should stop giving so many interviews about winning until we come through on the road one time.

Did the New England Patriots give this advice to Ray Allen? Sorry... couldn't help but point this out.

ALLEN: Well, let's stop using the phrase "Big Three" then. I'm not that type of player anymore -- really, I'm a spot-up jump shooter and that's it, and if I don't have my legs for a road game, I'm useless. There's not a ton of difference between me and Szczerbiak at this point. Two years from now, they'll be changing my name to "Ray Allen's Expiring Contract" unless somebody gives me a bionic pair of ankles.

Hahahahahaha!!! Ray Allen's Expiring Contract!! If you don't read Bill Simmons, you won't realize it.. but this is a reference to a recurring joke of his. It's been Theo Ratliff's Expiring Contract... and P.J. Brown's Expiring Contract... now it's Ray Allen! He needs bionic ankles!! Go-Go Gadget Kneecaps!!!!! Ho ho ho!!! Ray Allen doesn't belong in the big three! Fuck that guy!! Overreacting? A little? Maybe? A little?

---

In Simmons' defense... he did start this article with a long preamble about how he wrote this immediately after the Celts lost Game 4. And he claims to have a better grip on things... except that he's been playing "The rah-rah fan who casually acknowledges that the team will probably fail every 20 minutes so they can celebrate a win... but say 'I told you so!' if his team loses" for the last 8 months. And before that, he pulled the same shit with the Patriots.

Pick a side of the fence Bill. Don't straddle it so you can be wrong and right at the same time. I know it's difficult when you're writing for a big national media company... and your father is both funnier and more knowledgeable than you. But try your best.

Queef tag added... because Simmons is just that, a fucking queef.

My First Repeat Offender!

Jeff Moore of Dugout Central (formerly The Baseline Report) has managed to make the list again. You'll remember Moore's crazy "trade your closer in April" rant from about a week ago.

Well, he's followed that conventional wisdom up with some advice for the San Diego Padres and Houston Astros!

Astros get:
Randy Wolf – SP
Brian Giles – OF

Padres get:
Michael Bourn – OF (Oops! Wrong Bourne.)
Wesley Wright – RP
Jack Cassel – SP/RP

Why is this so crazy? Let me count the reasons.

1) It's May 14th. Nobody, and I mean nobody. Nobody. No effing body starts breaking up their roster this early. Yeah, the Pods are 15-25, but the strength of their team is the pitching and they're going to give up a pitcher 40 games into the season?

2) Justin Huber, Brian Giles, Scott Hairston, Jody Gerut, Paul McAnulty. Those are the outfielders on the Padres active roster. Not impressive. No pop whatsoever here. How does this team score runs? Fucked if I know. Here's a good idea. Lets dump the one solid offensive player in the group... and replace him with Michael Bourn... who Jeff Moore repeatedly points out, is hitting under .200. That's big help to the Padres.

3) Randy Wolf is going to solidify the Astros pitching staff? Really? Shit, I need sub-numbers for this.
a) Randy Wolf hasn't made more than 23 starts or pitched more than 137 innings since 2003.
b) Randy Wolf is making $4.5M and the 'Stros are kinda cheap when it comes to bad pitching.
c) Randy Wolf has a 5.16 ERA so far this year.
d) Randy Wolf hasn't had an ERA+ better than 110 since 2002.

Lets state what's actually going on in this trade:

Astros get:
Randy Wolf – Oft-Injured, Overpaid Stiff with a career ERA+ of 101.
Brian Giles – 37-year old outfielder who's owed $9M this year, and will probably demand that his option for next year at $9M be picked up to approve a trade.

Padres get:
Michael Bourn – Big time prospect... but everybody wonders if he can hit. Sorta looks like he can't hit.
Wesley Wright – Doesn't offer "substantial value" per Jeff Moore, who never mentions him again after that.
Jack Cassel – Sucked in 2 starts. But not much more than Wolf has sucked for the last 5 years.

I'm going to go ahead and say that this is the rare trade that would help NOBODY.

The Astros add like $23942378234879 Million in payroll for an average-at-best pitcher who's going to get hurt, and a 37-year old outfielder in decline.

The Padres get a 25-year old speedster who can't hit (Juan Pierre anyone?) and a couple of pitchers who don't offer "substantial value" per the guy suggesting this trade.

I guess it helps the Padres slightly... because they'd shed some bad (but short-term) payroll. Problem is that the name of the article is "Astros Should Trade for Padres' Wolf and Giles."

No, Jeff Moore. No, they most certainly should not. In fact, this is the opposite of what they should do. Pags gets a tag because he employs this fucktard.

Crack Attack?!

Anybody remember Troy Hambrick? He was a running back for the Cardinals/Cowboys for a few years...

If I remember correctly, he didn't suck too bad in the video game (which is, of course, the best way to judge the prowess of a professional athlete.)

Guess what Troy did...

He dramatically improved the image of one Adam "Pacman" Jones. Pacman's gonna celebrate by 'making it rain' again tonight.

Seriously though... Hambrick made millions playing football in a pretty short time... and he's going to the pokey for a Fin... for selling crack?! This is the dumbest thing a Cowboy's done since Nate Newton couldn't see himself not being the Biggest Dope Man.

And the most embarrassing thing to happen to Cowboys of any kind since...



Yup... Brokeback Fiction.

Bush League!!

Few people know this, but one of my favorite things in the sport of baseball is when somebody calls something "Bush League."

Here are the two latest examples. And here's the other one.

Sounds like sour grapes from a couple of mediocre players who lost the respective games. Know what I think is Bush League?

Giving up 6 runs (4 earned) on 5 hits and 5 walks in 5 innings against the Washington Nationals. Know what else is Bush League? Pitching in Taiwan because major league teams don't want you.

As for Dellucci, know what I think is Bush? Having a career OPS+ of 101. Know what else is Bush? Having a baseball career that's best compared by age (by baseballreference.com) to that hitting stud Cito Gaston!!

For the record, here's the closest thing to -real- BUSH LEAGUE!

David Dellucci needs to shut the fuck up. He's your typical, not-very-good-white-guy-with-a-reputation-as-a-grinder. He's gritty and gutty and gritty mcgutty gritten guts. And if his skin had any pigment at all, he'd probably be out of baseball, because apparently pigmented skin is the anti-grit. You're not Old School. You just suck.

And as for Nelson Figueroa, I don't buy into all that "heartwarming story" shit about this guy traversing the globe to try to get back into the majors. I don't care. He's a mediocre pitcher at best, which is why nobody wants him for very long. He has a job because Omar Minaya likes Latin players and he was available.

If you're a shitty player... and you get shown up by better players who are in the process of kicking your ass... do yourself a favor. Have some class and just shut the fuck up. Be the bigger man or something. You know all about moral victories... because you're a loser. So take one here and go away.

D'Antoni Is Wrong for the Knicks?

Today I get a real treat. I get to talk about one of my hometown teams and an article from my hometown paper! One great thing about the New York Daily News, is that there's no shortage of stupidity to be found within it.
(Actually, there is a "shortage" of stupidity, and his name is Mike Lupica... but for more on that, check out http://www.enough-lupica.com/)

Onto the premise of things though. Mitch Lawrence thinks Donnie Walsh is an idiot for hiring Mike D'Antoni. Mitch Lawrence is so certain of this, that he's invented a really witty nickname for Donnie Walsh. Bold Donnie. Bold Donnie? Bold Donnie!

Note to self: Bold = Nice way to call someone an asshole.


(Note, that's not me. And probably not you.)

Bold Donnie strikes again.

We get it Mitch, you think he's an asshole. I already explained it.

Mike D'Antoni coaching the Knicks? What's next, trading for Shaquille O'Neal to come in and play point guard?

D'Antoni : Coach = Shaq : Point Guard? These two things are very clearly similar. Plus this is topical, because Shaq got traded to the Suns this year. And D'Antoni was the coach of the Suns! This might actually work! Shaq played in D'Antoni's system, he's been around Nash a little, and aside from the fact that he's 7'2", 685 lbs, and can't dribble or shoot, he'd probably create mismatches all over the place.

Here's a better one: Make D'Antoni the GM of the Knicks, too.

You mean so he can trade for and sign guys suited to play into his system? That's a very intelligent suggestion, but you were being sarcastic, weren't you Mitch? You cheeky little monkey.

Even Walsh has to look at a reduced role now. His drafts and signings at Indiana over the better part of a quarter of a century reflected the old NBA way of thinking (incidentally, the kind that keeps producing championships, but why let facts get in the way of a good fantasy?).

Donnie Walsh is Old School. Mike D'Antoni is not. Old School wins Championships. Cut. And. Dry. Suck on that you New School pricks.

Just for the sake of reference, I'm going to break this down in a way that's easily understandable.
Number of Teams Playing D'Antoni's Style: 2 (Suns, Raptors)
Number of Team-Seasons teams have played D'Antoni's Style: 5 (Suns - 4, Raptors - 1)
Playoff Appearances: 5
Championships: 0

Number of Teams Playing "Old School": All of the other ones.
Number of Team-Seasons teams have played "Old School": 5,234,230,921,928,289
Playoff Appearances: Roughly 27% of all teams in the history of the NBA, with roughly 73% of them missing the playoffs.
Championships: All of them.

Seems to me, Mitch, that the reason "Old School" wins Championships... is because that's all ANYBODY ELSE PLAYS according to you. Your analogy implies that there are two types of basketball: "Old School" and "D'Antoni School" (which sounds like a culinary arts academy.)

The Showtime Lakers? The Phil Jackson Triangle Offense-driven Bulls Teams? You're telling me that these aren't different from say... the hard-nosed defense, team-first approach of the San Antonio Spurs? You're skating on thin ice Mitch Lawrence.

The Knicks are now a new-wave team, so they had better adjust on all fronts and go all the way with this.

New Wave? Okay, lets go with New Wave. Here are some ways to adjust to being New Wave. The Knicks are no longer a basketball team. They're an 80's ska band.

Diaw is D'Antoni's kind of player: a soft, finesse convertible type who can play 17 positions and defend none.

Diaw is really soft. He missed 11 games last season because his pussy hurt and 5 more because he was really bloated. The 17 positions he can play are: Shooting Guard, Small Forward, Power Forward, Center, Left Field, Goalie, Striker, Left Outside Linebacker, Shortstop, Catcher, Doggie Style, 69, Administrative Assistant, Punter, Reverse Cowgirl, and Porn Fluffer.

The smiles you see are from NBA officials who now will get their wish of having the Knicks draft the "next Dirk Nowitzki" out of Outer Mongolia.

Really? Who is he! That would be an excellent player for the Knicks to grab up. Although I think they'll probably take Derrick Rose if he's there for them.

Here's what this comes down to. Everybody's pointing out that the Knicks don't have any players who can play D'Antoni's style, aside from maybe Nate Robinson, Jamal Crawford, David Lee, Renaldo Balkman and Wilson Chandler. Curry and Randolph can't run, their tits will jiggle too much.

The better question is: How many of these guys can play "Old School" basketball? How many of them can play defense? None. NONE!!

N. O. N. E.

So what's better? Having 4 or 5 guys who can play into the system? Or none? D'Antoni's won without defense for the last 4 years. The Knicks have lost playing "Old School" for the last 700 years. Why not try something new?

Stupid Question...

Have you ever farted during sex and tried to convince the girl that it was her? Like a queef or something?

I haven't, but I just get the feeling that somebody out there has and I chuckle a little.

And speaking of laughing... I give Batman on Crack!!

The Florida Marlins Winning the World Series Forever...

What the hell am I talking about? The Marlins suck. And their payroll this year is like $22.50! They ain't winning shit. Well, they're out to a decent start... but seriously, there's no way they're going to sustain it in a division full of teams with money to spend and more talent.

What I'm talking about is... the fucking list of players they've dealt off in the last 5 years. This topic came up a couple of days ago in a sort of accidental conversation and we wound up running off a list of Marlins players to leave via Free Agency or get traded.

Just for shits and giggles, lets take guys on their current roster plus the guys who've been allowed to leave and see what kind of team we'd have.

C - Ivan Rodriguez, Paul Lo Duca
1B - Derek Lee, Mike Jacobs
2B - Luis Castillo, Dan Uggla
3B - Mike Lowell
SS - Hanley Ramirez
LF - Miguel Cabrera (he played here before he started hacking it up at 3rd)
CF - Juan Pierre
RF - Jeremy Hermida

SP - Josh Beckett, Dontrelle Willis, A.J. Burnett, Brad Penny, Scott Olsen

60-Day Disabled List - Carl Pavano

Yes, I completely realize that without giving up Lowell and Beckett, there's no Hanley. And that Pudge and Lo Duca kind of suck now. And Luis Castillo walks with a limp. Whatever.

This team, especially the pitching staff, would win the NL East by 20 fucking games every year. It's actually really fucking disgusting that a shitty, cheap, profiteering cocksucker of an owner is allowed to repeatedly ruin a team and hold an entire city hostage for a ballpark... especially after the same profiteering cocksucker did the SAME FUCKING THING in Montreal on the way to having their city stripped of the right to having a baseball team.

Jeffrey Loria should be fucked by a gorilla. Or at least eaten by bears.

When Is The Funeral?

Ever seen a mascot get decapitated? Me neither until yesterday...

Joe Morgan will be giving the Eulogy at Mr. Redleg's funeral later today.

He will talk about how there are no great teams any more, and lobby for Dave Concepcion's induction into the Hall of Fame. Also, in the unlikely occurrence that Gary Sheffield attends the funeral, Joe Morgan will take time out to suck his fucking cock. (don't worry, I didn't link porn)

Credit for the jokes in this post should be given to the guys at FireJoeMorgan.com, from whom I stole them. Unless you laughed at the Sheffield joke. I think I can take credit for that one.

I Don't Just Hate on Stupid Journalists.

I spew my umbrage at stupid players too. Which brings me to this guy.

That's John Bale. He pitches for the Kansas City Royals.

And as you can see here, he's also probably in line to win himself a Trojan Enz Boner of the Week Award.

John Bale spent a couple of years pitching in Japan, because he's not very good. The Royals are paying $2.2 million for a pitcher who's still not very good. He was already on the DL with shoulder tightness. And he breaks his hand punching a hotel door.

I could understand punching a hotel heiress. Actually that picture makes me not want to punch her.... maybe a video will make me want to punch her again.



Nope. Didn't work. Why don't people like her again? And for the record, the guy in this scene isn't very masculine. Whatever.

I guess we should look at the bright side though.

1) John Bale didn't get eaten by the Tarp Machine.

2) John Bale didn't get eaten by bears.

3) Thanks to John Bale, I've had my first excuse to link pics of hot chicks here!

Blog-on-Blog Crime!!

Do you know who Ted Robinson is? Yeahhhhhh, you do. That play-by-play guy. He writes a blog over at MSNBC. And he's telling us how some of baseballs big name signings are working out so far. Lets just say there's a reason he's a play-by-play guy and not an analyst.

PASSING WITH FLYING COLORS

KOSUKE FUKUDOME: He came a lot cheaper to the Cubs than last year’s marquee signing, Alfonso Soriano, and he will probably be a better overall offensive player by season’s end.

Hahaha. Fukudome. Fuck-You-Do-Me!! Fuck-you-dome!! That guy's name reminds me of Eddie Murphy!!



Hahaha, fuck youuuuuuu Eddie!! Fuck youuuuuu do me!!!! What was I talking about? Ted Robinson! I remember!! Fukudome has one homer in 121 at bats. That .322/.415/.463 is probably going to come down... and when it does, Fukudome is going to look like a pretty average player.

Soriano is good for 30+ homers and 40+ doubles every year. If his legs are healthy, he's going to steal some bases, and if stupid ass Lou Pinella would sober up and get him out of the leadoff spot, he'd probably drive in 100+ runs like he did when he batted 5th in Texas in 2005.

TOM GLAVINE: Nothing outstanding but exactly what the Braves expect from a 42-year-old Hall of Famer -- steady pitching that lives up to today’s demands that starters “keep their team in the game.”

If Glavine's "nothing outstanding" then why is he filed under "Passing with Flying Colors"? Sounds more like "Holding His Own" or "Surviving because he's a Lefty".

EDGAR RENTERIA: He is hitting for Detroit but can he calm concerns over diminished range?

Again... passing with flying colors? He's hitting enough... but he has shitty range. Sounds like he's doing a great job.

HOLDING THEIR OWN

ERIC GAGNE: Some horrific blown saves are buttressed by sturdy outings including an impressive appearance Thursday at Wrigley Field, the site of his Opening Day nightmares. He’s still throwing in the 91-93 mph range.

Umm... what? Are we talking about the Eric Gagne who's blown 5 saves in the first month of the season? The Eric Gagne with a 1.705 WHIP? The Eric Gagne who's allowed 4 gophers in his first 15 innings this year? He's holding his own... yeah. Mmmkay.

IN DANGER OF FAILING

ANDRUW JONES: Overweight and sluggish at the plate, he told all in the spring not to worry. Well, 29 strikeouts in his first 88 at-bats equal full-blown worry.

Admittedly, "In Danger of Failing" is as bad as it gets here. Maybe Ted Robinson is taking into account that you can't judge a guy based on the first month of the year. However, Jones played baseball like The Living Dead last year... which cost him a gabillion dollars. So what does Jones do? He goes to the Dodgers, gets even fatter and plays even worse. I've said it before, I'll say it again. Andruw Jones is done.