Yes indeed! The Atlanta Braves are ready to make their run at a playoff spot now that they've ridded themselves of the awesomeness of Mark Teixeira!!
His .283/.390/.512 with 20 homers and 78 RBI was absolutely crushing their chances.
But now that they've dumped that bum, and replaced him with gritty, awesome Casey Kotchman and his much more average .287/.327/.448 (with 12 homers and 54 RBI), they can get back to their winning ways!! Although, just to be clear, Kotchman is no Scott Thorman!!
I point this out only because of yesterday's article, where it was pointed out that since the acquisition of Teixeira, the Braves winning percentage had actually dropped from like .521 to .482 as though that was Texy's fault.
I just want to say though, if there are any aspiring GMs out there, always know that the best way to improve your team and build a winner is to get rid of anybody with an EqA above .300. In Tex's case, he's at .305 right now, and that's terrible. It's not a team-first number.
Casey Kotchman's 2008 EqA of .260 is a much more team-first number. It builds a sense of unity in your clubhouse when guys are of the understanding that everybody on their baseball team is equally average. It forces them to all depend on one-another, because nobody is good enough to single-handedly carry the team.
When you have talent on your team... guys like Pujols, A-Rod, Teixeira, Utley, etc., the prevailing wisdom in the clubhouse is that it's okay to just clog up the basepaths and wait for the 3-run homer. Many believe that this is the fault of A's GM, Billy Beane. Ever since he wrote MoneyBall, people seem to want talented players on their team.
But not the Braves. Nope!! They're building on guys who can be replaced by Miguel Cairo. That's why they were so fucking awesome for so long.
Or maybe it had something to do with Maddux, Smoltz and Glavine. Shit, I don't know now.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
What Am I Doin' In Jersey!?
Yup... I stole that tag line from George Carlin. And here's why!
Dan Graziano! I don't know anything about the man. Where do we begin?
Contrary to the denials that made the rounds Monday, officials from both teams say the Mets have contacted the Red Sox about Manny Ramirez and are interested in pursuing a deal for him if Boston decides to make him available.
Sorta like in 2005, when the Mets could have gotten Manny for Lastings Milledge and Mike Cameron? Anybody still think refusing that deal was a good idea? Going once? Going twice? Didn't think so.
The Red Sox suspect that GM Omar Minaya wants Ramirez more than Mets ownership does.
Whoa... a GM who's constructed the oldest 97.85% Latin team in baseball history is interested in adding a 36 year old Dominican? You're shocking me here.
Point here is... the Mets need Manny. The guy can flat-out rake. He's old, he's cranky, he doesn't always feel like playing baseball, but he can flat-out rake and with him they're a better team than without him. They should do whatever it takes to get him.
Sadly, they probably don't have anything that Boston wants. They don't have quality bullpen arms. They don't have substantial upgrades at any position except...
Jose Reyes. So here's the question... if you're the Mets, do you hate Jose Reyes enough to trade a potential 10 years of .298/.362/.493 and a ton of extra base hits and stolen bases... for two years of .304/.400/.538 and a bunch more homers?
The Sox would probably asshump the notion of a deal that sent Manny and Julio Lugo to the Mets, in exchange for say... Jose Reyes and top prospect Fernando Martinez. Are the Mets desperate enough to win this year? Who cares. Here's why I picked this article....
PLAYER OF THE DAY
MARK TEIXEIRA, Atlanta 1B
Blah blah blah... the Braves are looking to trade Teixeira. So why don't you point out some stupid coincidental fact.
Key stat: The Braves were 56-51 when they acquired Teixeira at last year's deadline. Since then, they are 77-83.
Bingo!! It's Mark Teixeira's fault that the Braves have gotten slightly worse. Their hefty .523 winning percentage dropped to a dismal .481 winning percentage because of Mark Teixeira's beastly .295/.392/.550ish (because I'm doing rough estimates here) line, and his ugly 37 homers and 134 runs batted in, in 157 games as a Brave!!
Where have you gone, Scott Thorman?! Come back and save us from a first baseman who can actually hit a baseball!!!! We need your grit and hustle to counterbalance all of Texy's selfish, me-first home runs and RBIs!!!
Dan Graziano! I don't know anything about the man. Where do we begin?
Contrary to the denials that made the rounds Monday, officials from both teams say the Mets have contacted the Red Sox about Manny Ramirez and are interested in pursuing a deal for him if Boston decides to make him available.
Sorta like in 2005, when the Mets could have gotten Manny for Lastings Milledge and Mike Cameron? Anybody still think refusing that deal was a good idea? Going once? Going twice? Didn't think so.
The Red Sox suspect that GM Omar Minaya wants Ramirez more than Mets ownership does.
Whoa... a GM who's constructed the oldest 97.85% Latin team in baseball history is interested in adding a 36 year old Dominican? You're shocking me here.
Point here is... the Mets need Manny. The guy can flat-out rake. He's old, he's cranky, he doesn't always feel like playing baseball, but he can flat-out rake and with him they're a better team than without him. They should do whatever it takes to get him.
Sadly, they probably don't have anything that Boston wants. They don't have quality bullpen arms. They don't have substantial upgrades at any position except...
Jose Reyes. So here's the question... if you're the Mets, do you hate Jose Reyes enough to trade a potential 10 years of .298/.362/.493 and a ton of extra base hits and stolen bases... for two years of .304/.400/.538 and a bunch more homers?
The Sox would probably asshump the notion of a deal that sent Manny and Julio Lugo to the Mets, in exchange for say... Jose Reyes and top prospect Fernando Martinez. Are the Mets desperate enough to win this year? Who cares. Here's why I picked this article....
PLAYER OF THE DAY
MARK TEIXEIRA, Atlanta 1B
Blah blah blah... the Braves are looking to trade Teixeira. So why don't you point out some stupid coincidental fact.
Key stat: The Braves were 56-51 when they acquired Teixeira at last year's deadline. Since then, they are 77-83.
Bingo!! It's Mark Teixeira's fault that the Braves have gotten slightly worse. Their hefty .523 winning percentage dropped to a dismal .481 winning percentage because of Mark Teixeira's beastly .295/.392/.550ish (because I'm doing rough estimates here) line, and his ugly 37 homers and 134 runs batted in, in 157 games as a Brave!!
Where have you gone, Scott Thorman?! Come back and save us from a first baseman who can actually hit a baseball!!!! We need your grit and hustle to counterbalance all of Texy's selfish, me-first home runs and RBIs!!!
Monday, July 28, 2008
Why Aren't There Updates Lately?!
Because I'm a lard ass. To be entirely honest, there's been quite a lot going on in my life of late. I'm working on getting a place with my lovely girlfriend, which is being hindered by the fact that my current roommates are doing everything in their power to fuck up my life and syphon money out of my wallet like vampires. So yeah, I've been pretty stressed out about that, which has seriously decreased my writing inspiration.
To the 400 or so people who check this every day, don't worry guys. I'll get back to form. Most likely sooner, rather than later. Have faith in me. And if you find something that you think I'd enjoy tearing apart, e-mail it to me for chrissake!! Tell me what you fuckers want!!!
the e-mail's primeoffense@yahoo.com if you didn't already know.
To the 400 or so people who check this every day, don't worry guys. I'll get back to form. Most likely sooner, rather than later. Have faith in me. And if you find something that you think I'd enjoy tearing apart, e-mail it to me for chrissake!! Tell me what you fuckers want!!!
the e-mail's primeoffense@yahoo.com if you didn't already know.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
A Golf Article? Yup, Making Fun of the Shark!
Here it is.
More interestingly, is that this is the headliner for Yahoo!'s entire sports section. The front page proclaims "The new Shark!"
And the caption under a picture of Greg Norman says,
"Contrary to all those heartbreaking losses, Greg Norman gave golf fans a week they should always cherish."
Yes!! A week in which he played valiantly, gave it his all, and inevitably lost. After shooting 70, 70 and 72, he closed with a 77, gagging away a shot at a championship with another awful Sunday, but that's not how Brian Murphy feels about this, no, not at all!!
Greg Norman: Sunday choker. Aren't those the words we’re supposed to etch on his career tombstone?
Yes, Brian Murphy. Yes they are.
Except, this was different, this Sunday at Birkdale.
Because he didn't choke away a multi-stroke lead? Because he won?
This was no choke at all.
Okay... he had the lead after 63 holes. That's 3 1/2 rounds. That means that he lost the lead on the last 9 holes. And just to clarify, he shot a 77 in the last round. To find a score worse than Norman's 77, you have to slide all the way down the leaderboard to KJ Choi, Simon Wakefield and Alexander Noren. Choi's in a 3-way tie for 16th. Noren and Wakefield are in a 600-way tie for 19th.
Funny thing is... Choi, Wakefield and Noren started the day tied for 2nd, 4th, and tied for 5th. Sure looks like they choked too.
HOWEVER.... the leaders all start the course around the same time, don't they? So maybe a case can be made that the conditions of the course were bad. That the winds changed, or the little fat gopher from Caddyshack was running rampant and Bill Murray was blowing up the golf course with plastic explosives? Is that what you're trying to say Brian?
He came to Birkdale for fun, and for memories, and to get ready for the Senior British Open at Troon, and to wind down his honeymoon with the former Miss Evert.
Yeah, see? It's the conditions. He had to play... wait... WHAT?! So like what dude?! He didn't really want to fucking win!? He didn't really care about exorcising the demons of the fact that he's the biggest choker in the history of professional golf... by winning a Major!?!
Nooooo... you're right. It's not a choke, because he never expected or planned to win. He was just there to paddleboard with Pierce fucking Brosnan and celebrate the premier of Mamma Mia!!!!
Hey Brian... maybe the pressure of the fact that this guy has always, always, ALWAYS....
A. L. W. A. Y. S.
choked in the last rounds of majors, and the $1.5 Million purse, and the thousands of screaming fans and the pressure of being in the drivers seat on Sunday came down on him a little hard. Maybe his grip got a little too tight, and his hands got a little too shaky. Maybe he choked.
Or maybe it had something to do with why the 1st, 2nd, 4th and 5th place golfers after 3 rounds all shot terribly. Maybe the conditions were bad.
Maybe Harrington really stepped up and played well in bad conditions, while Norman, Choi, Wakefield, Noren, Anthony Kim, Ben Curtis and Ross Fisher (all of whom started the day within the top 5) got swallowed up by poor conditions, difficult winds, etc.
I'm not a golf pro here. I'm speculating about some of this, using a set of scores to take an educated guess.
I will, however, GUARANTEE that the reason Greg Norman lost was NOT that "he didn't really want to win, and it wasn't a priority for him."
More interestingly, is that this is the headliner for Yahoo!'s entire sports section. The front page proclaims "The new Shark!"
And the caption under a picture of Greg Norman says,
"Contrary to all those heartbreaking losses, Greg Norman gave golf fans a week they should always cherish."
Yes!! A week in which he played valiantly, gave it his all, and inevitably lost. After shooting 70, 70 and 72, he closed with a 77, gagging away a shot at a championship with another awful Sunday, but that's not how Brian Murphy feels about this, no, not at all!!
Greg Norman: Sunday choker. Aren't those the words we’re supposed to etch on his career tombstone?
Yes, Brian Murphy. Yes they are.
Except, this was different, this Sunday at Birkdale.
Because he didn't choke away a multi-stroke lead? Because he won?
This was no choke at all.
Okay... he had the lead after 63 holes. That's 3 1/2 rounds. That means that he lost the lead on the last 9 holes. And just to clarify, he shot a 77 in the last round. To find a score worse than Norman's 77, you have to slide all the way down the leaderboard to KJ Choi, Simon Wakefield and Alexander Noren. Choi's in a 3-way tie for 16th. Noren and Wakefield are in a 600-way tie for 19th.
Funny thing is... Choi, Wakefield and Noren started the day tied for 2nd, 4th, and tied for 5th. Sure looks like they choked too.
HOWEVER.... the leaders all start the course around the same time, don't they? So maybe a case can be made that the conditions of the course were bad. That the winds changed, or the little fat gopher from Caddyshack was running rampant and Bill Murray was blowing up the golf course with plastic explosives? Is that what you're trying to say Brian?
He came to Birkdale for fun, and for memories, and to get ready for the Senior British Open at Troon, and to wind down his honeymoon with the former Miss Evert.
Yeah, see? It's the conditions. He had to play... wait... WHAT?! So like what dude?! He didn't really want to fucking win!? He didn't really care about exorcising the demons of the fact that he's the biggest choker in the history of professional golf... by winning a Major!?!
Nooooo... you're right. It's not a choke, because he never expected or planned to win. He was just there to paddleboard with Pierce fucking Brosnan and celebrate the premier of Mamma Mia!!!!
Hey Brian... maybe the pressure of the fact that this guy has always, always, ALWAYS....
A. L. W. A. Y. S.
choked in the last rounds of majors, and the $1.5 Million purse, and the thousands of screaming fans and the pressure of being in the drivers seat on Sunday came down on him a little hard. Maybe his grip got a little too tight, and his hands got a little too shaky. Maybe he choked.
Or maybe it had something to do with why the 1st, 2nd, 4th and 5th place golfers after 3 rounds all shot terribly. Maybe the conditions were bad.
Maybe Harrington really stepped up and played well in bad conditions, while Norman, Choi, Wakefield, Noren, Anthony Kim, Ben Curtis and Ross Fisher (all of whom started the day within the top 5) got swallowed up by poor conditions, difficult winds, etc.
I'm not a golf pro here. I'm speculating about some of this, using a set of scores to take an educated guess.
I will, however, GUARANTEE that the reason Greg Norman lost was NOT that "he didn't really want to win, and it wasn't a priority for him."
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Colbert Report Blooper?
Did I spell that correctly? Am I supposed to write Colberrrrrr Reporrrrrr? Without the T's? Whatever. Check this out. Rush makes their first appearance on American TV in 33 years.
And Stephen Colbert runs onto the stage during their performance, thinking that the song is over. Then says what sounds like "oh... shit" and runs back off. He then goes to a very hesitant commercial break.
I guess they're saying that this was a joke, and all intentional. Either way, it's hysterical. And I get to post about Rush!! Check out that drum-kit!! That's killer sick dude!!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Maybe He Did a Papel-Bong Hit...
Obviously I'm a Red Sox-hater. I should probably clarify my stance on 'The Rivalry' at some point anyway, so I'll just touch on it briefly here.
I'm not exactly a Sox-hater. I'm well-aware of the history of both of these teams. I love the game of baseball and pride myself on being somewhat knowledgeable about it. And some of the best conversations about the sport that I've ever had, have been with Red Sox fans.
Every team, especially the Sox and the Yankees, have their bandwagon fans. Those guys know nothing about the team, they're arrogant, they're cocky, and they make everybody look bad. That's probably 80+% of the people who claim to be Yankee fans, and at least 75% of the guys who have "membership cards to Red Sox Nation" and shit. I fucking hate bandwagon fans.
But on to the good stuff.
"My wife is pregnant and she's getting her life threatened. It's frigging stupid," Papelbon said during an expletive-laced session with reporters. "I feel like I needed to be in a bullet-proof car."
Shit man!! That's fucked up!! Did Jonathan Papelbon just visit Iraq to distribute kittens to the soldiers or something?
Ohhhh... he was at the parade in New York City yesterday!! Wait.. what? Umm... dude, your wife didn't get her life threatened. Stop exaggerating and stop being a stupid cunt. Your wife got boo'd. Are we really supposed to cry you a river about this?
Nobody rushed the vehicle. Nobody threw anything at you. This celebration wasn't NEARLY as raucous as the one that occurred after Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS, which is to say that while fans in BOSTON might feel it's necessary to kill someone as a means of celebration...
Yankee fans have a pretty good track record over the last 12 years, seeing as they watched their team win 4 World Championships... and didn't KILL anybody. So seriously dude, shut the fuck up. People are entitled to boo you. You're a tool.
"I don't really give a shit anymore," he said. "If I don't even fucking pitch, I don't care."
Just for the record... if Papelbon didn't fucking pitch, the AL probably wouldn't have needed 15 innings to win the game. Especially with Billy "We Are Gonna Need Extra Runs" Wagner on the hill for the NL.
I'm not exactly a Sox-hater. I'm well-aware of the history of both of these teams. I love the game of baseball and pride myself on being somewhat knowledgeable about it. And some of the best conversations about the sport that I've ever had, have been with Red Sox fans.
Every team, especially the Sox and the Yankees, have their bandwagon fans. Those guys know nothing about the team, they're arrogant, they're cocky, and they make everybody look bad. That's probably 80+% of the people who claim to be Yankee fans, and at least 75% of the guys who have "membership cards to Red Sox Nation" and shit. I fucking hate bandwagon fans.
But on to the good stuff.
"My wife is pregnant and she's getting her life threatened. It's frigging stupid," Papelbon said during an expletive-laced session with reporters. "I feel like I needed to be in a bullet-proof car."
Shit man!! That's fucked up!! Did Jonathan Papelbon just visit Iraq to distribute kittens to the soldiers or something?
Ohhhh... he was at the parade in New York City yesterday!! Wait.. what? Umm... dude, your wife didn't get her life threatened. Stop exaggerating and stop being a stupid cunt. Your wife got boo'd. Are we really supposed to cry you a river about this?
Nobody rushed the vehicle. Nobody threw anything at you. This celebration wasn't NEARLY as raucous as the one that occurred after Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS, which is to say that while fans in BOSTON might feel it's necessary to kill someone as a means of celebration...
Yankee fans have a pretty good track record over the last 12 years, seeing as they watched their team win 4 World Championships... and didn't KILL anybody. So seriously dude, shut the fuck up. People are entitled to boo you. You're a tool.
"I don't really give a shit anymore," he said. "If I don't even fucking pitch, I don't care."
Just for the record... if Papelbon didn't fucking pitch, the AL probably wouldn't have needed 15 innings to win the game. Especially with Billy "We Are Gonna Need Extra Runs" Wagner on the hill for the NL.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
The Anti-All Star Team?
Yup, somebody made one. And of course, it's stupid. Thank you, Scott Miller. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life writing about tennis and soccer. For a brief moment, I thought stupidity in baseball was on the down-turn.
On a side note, this article has already been talked about on FireJoeMorgan but you're here, so you get my take on it. Their take on it's probably funnier.
There is no voting for this All-Star team. Only pity.
To rephrase: There is no voting for this All-Star team. Only the asinine opinion of one man.
Oh, the horror! The humanity! The trashed hopes, dashed dreams and downright incorrigible incompetence!
Okay, so that's what we're looking for. Trashed hopes, downright incompetence. Got it.
First base: Richie Sexson, free agent
Whatever you do, don't read the nutritional label posted on Sexson's packaging! The fat and calories alone in his $14 million salary this season would drive most consumers toward immediate angioplasty.
Umm... huh? Fat and calories in his contract? Let me say this nicely... what the FUCK are you talking about? Sexson's having a shitty year, and he just got released because of it... but his numbers are actually slightly BETTER than they were last year (while Seattle was winning 88 games and competing for the wild card.) But you're right. The problem is clearly the amount of trans fat somehow associated with the money they pay him. If his contract had some protein escalators, and maybe a few B12 incentives, then everything would be gravy. You like those nutritional metaphors, don't you? Admit it.
Second base: Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee
As Milwaukee scraps and battles, Weeks far too often couldn't find first base if you gave him a map, a copy of Abner Doubleday's rules and walked him halfway there. Not that he's having a difficult season, but at midweek he was hitting .207 with 61 punch-outs and 36 walks.
Really? That's your anti-All Star at second base? His .217/.320/.367 with 8 homers isn't very good... but there's gotta be somebody worse at second base... the black hole of offensive production in baseball.
How about Pittsburgh's Freddy Sanchez and his Herculean .226/.251/.304 with 5 homers? Or Nat's Felipe Lopez with his .233/.308/.312 and 2 jacks? Or maybe Juan Uribe at .219/.269/.349? Nah, you're right. Lets go with Weeks. He strikes out a lot. These other guys are probably moving baserunners with their clutch, team-first groundouts to the pitcher.
Shortstop: Jose Reyes, Mets.
The most egregious sin for anyone blessed with this much talent -- baseball player, pianist, painter -- is to not get the most out of it. Right now, that's Reyes. Sure, his numbers are respectable. But this guy has the tools to be great. And he won't put out to get there.
Won't put out to get there? I think you should ask Mike Lupica about that. I'm CONSTANTLY talking about instances of Reyes putting out for men on that website. Seems that not a day goes by that it's not brought up in some form.
But let me get this straight. His .302/.367/.487 with 43 extra base hits and 32 stolen bases isn't the problem. The problem is... that he has the tools to be great, but he won't blow Carlos Delgado? Richie Sexson has too much cholesterol to be a part of a balanced winning diet... and Jose Reyes won't put out? Do you have any fucking idea what you're talking about any more Scott Miller? The Anti-All Star Team, dammit!!! FOCUS!!!
Third base: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees.
He's in line for a lifetime contract as an Anti All-Star after his incredibly selfish -- and not forgotten -- act of opting out of his Yankees contract during the Red Sox's World Series-clinching victory last fall.
First he stole the thunder from the World Series, now he's grabbing the spotlight at the All-Star Game with Madonna. Can't wait to see what he pulls for next spring's World Baseball Classic.
So the entire basis of this selection is... that you don't like him? The opt-out during the World Series was stupid. It's long-since over and done with, but feel free to hold that against A-Rod forever. While you're hating him, he'll be drinking the Material Milkshake (yes, that was a bad Madonna joke) and hitting 50 homers a year on his way to being baseball's home run king. I'm sure he's shitting his pants about being included on the anti-Star team.
Left field: Paul McAnulty, San Diego.
Finally and mercifully optioned to Triple-A Portland this week, McAnulty has spent most of this season as Poster Boy for the bullheaded philosophies of Padres president Sandy Alderson, assistant Paul DePodesta and others in the executive offices who have made a shambles of this one-time NL West contender.
PAUL DEPODESTA!!!!!! It's his fault!!! Him and his fucking computer geeky computer science programs in his mother's basement!!! McAnulty's seen 164 plate appearances and he's been pretty bad (.207/.341/.341) but not really much worse than the other options:
Scott Hairston: .259/.305/.506
Justin Huber: .246/.303/.393
Callix Crabbe: .176/.282/.206
At least McAnulty gets on base at a roughly average rate. These other guys are fucking awful. The whole team is awful. And poor. Khalil Greene is OPSing .593 (and didn't make the cut for this retarded team.) Who's fault is all of this? Paul DePodesta. Naturally.
What's obvious is this: They are force-feeding antiquated philosophies that peaked during the Steroid Era (collect guys who can get on base and then the occasional three-run homer will take you home) in a park where they don't fit in an era when successful baseball teams have figured out you need multi-dimensional players to succeed.
New theory: Moneyball was the product of the Steroid Era.
Scott Miller tells us that the philosophy is to collect guys who can get on base and then pray for the 3-run homer. Let me try to more accurately explain this set of ideas for you.
In the game of baseball, a team is allotted 27 outs at a rate of 3 per inning. The idea is to score as many runs as possible while making as few outs as possible. Computer geek assholes like Paul DePodesta believe that if you get a bunch of guys who make LESS OUTS than the average player... by hitting or drawing walks... you increase the number of chances to score runs before making your 27 outs. They also believe that these players, because they can draw walks, will see more pitches, hence tiring the opposing team's pitchers and getting into their bullpen, thus putting a strain on the opponent's pitching staff.
Now that I've explained the fundamentals of the fucking game of baseball to a man who writes about it for a living... I'm going to move on. Moneyball has nothing the fuck to do with steroids. It has to do with the fact that most people (see: Scott Miller) still look at the game of baseball as though this is the 1920's. The game has changed, our understanding of the mechanics of the game has improved, and thus, teams are going in different directions to maximize their offensive potential and win games. Paul McAnulty is a bad baseball player. That doesn't make the philosophy wrong.
Center field: Andruw Jones, Dodgers
Freeway gridlock, smog and bad Dodgers contracts are the scourge of Los Angeles, and right now, Jones' deal takes the cake (and then eats it). For $36.2 million over two years, Jones at midweek was hitting .168 with two homers, eight RBI, 50 strikeouts and only 21 walks in 145 at-bats. Ouch.
But not one mention of Ned Coletti. You know... the genius smarty smart baseball man who replaced Paul DePodesta in Los Angeles... and signed superstars like Jason Schmidt, Andruw Jones and Juan Pierre to contracts, that combined, exceed the Gross National Product of Nigeria.
Right field: Paul O'Neill, Yankees
Let me summarize. Scott Miller thinks Paul O'Neill is an asshole... because he didn't rush to the defense of LaTroy Hawkins, who decided to wear his #21. Yankee fans didn't appreciate Hawkins choice of number, or his shitty pitching, and booed him. And it was O'Neill's job to defend the guy.
So does that mean that if Barry Larkin gives money to charity, that he can start at shortstop for the All-Star Team? Even though he's retired and hasn't played baseball this year? Do I need to point out how fucking moronic it is to pick a retired player for this list? I hope not.
The rest of this list is more stupid opinion bullshit... Shawn Chacon, Eric Gagne... not because they suck as players... but because Gagne was in the Mitchell Report, and Chacon attacked his GM.
Why are these people paid to write about baseball? Best answer wins a prize...
On a side note, this article has already been talked about on FireJoeMorgan but you're here, so you get my take on it. Their take on it's probably funnier.
There is no voting for this All-Star team. Only pity.
To rephrase: There is no voting for this All-Star team. Only the asinine opinion of one man.
Oh, the horror! The humanity! The trashed hopes, dashed dreams and downright incorrigible incompetence!
Okay, so that's what we're looking for. Trashed hopes, downright incompetence. Got it.
First base: Richie Sexson, free agent
Whatever you do, don't read the nutritional label posted on Sexson's packaging! The fat and calories alone in his $14 million salary this season would drive most consumers toward immediate angioplasty.
Umm... huh? Fat and calories in his contract? Let me say this nicely... what the FUCK are you talking about? Sexson's having a shitty year, and he just got released because of it... but his numbers are actually slightly BETTER than they were last year (while Seattle was winning 88 games and competing for the wild card.) But you're right. The problem is clearly the amount of trans fat somehow associated with the money they pay him. If his contract had some protein escalators, and maybe a few B12 incentives, then everything would be gravy. You like those nutritional metaphors, don't you? Admit it.
Second base: Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee
As Milwaukee scraps and battles, Weeks far too often couldn't find first base if you gave him a map, a copy of Abner Doubleday's rules and walked him halfway there. Not that he's having a difficult season, but at midweek he was hitting .207 with 61 punch-outs and 36 walks.
Really? That's your anti-All Star at second base? His .217/.320/.367 with 8 homers isn't very good... but there's gotta be somebody worse at second base... the black hole of offensive production in baseball.
How about Pittsburgh's Freddy Sanchez and his Herculean .226/.251/.304 with 5 homers? Or Nat's Felipe Lopez with his .233/.308/.312 and 2 jacks? Or maybe Juan Uribe at .219/.269/.349? Nah, you're right. Lets go with Weeks. He strikes out a lot. These other guys are probably moving baserunners with their clutch, team-first groundouts to the pitcher.
Shortstop: Jose Reyes, Mets.
The most egregious sin for anyone blessed with this much talent -- baseball player, pianist, painter -- is to not get the most out of it. Right now, that's Reyes. Sure, his numbers are respectable. But this guy has the tools to be great. And he won't put out to get there.
Won't put out to get there? I think you should ask Mike Lupica about that. I'm CONSTANTLY talking about instances of Reyes putting out for men on that website. Seems that not a day goes by that it's not brought up in some form.
But let me get this straight. His .302/.367/.487 with 43 extra base hits and 32 stolen bases isn't the problem. The problem is... that he has the tools to be great, but he won't blow Carlos Delgado? Richie Sexson has too much cholesterol to be a part of a balanced winning diet... and Jose Reyes won't put out? Do you have any fucking idea what you're talking about any more Scott Miller? The Anti-All Star Team, dammit!!! FOCUS!!!
Third base: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees.
He's in line for a lifetime contract as an Anti All-Star after his incredibly selfish -- and not forgotten -- act of opting out of his Yankees contract during the Red Sox's World Series-clinching victory last fall.
First he stole the thunder from the World Series, now he's grabbing the spotlight at the All-Star Game with Madonna. Can't wait to see what he pulls for next spring's World Baseball Classic.
So the entire basis of this selection is... that you don't like him? The opt-out during the World Series was stupid. It's long-since over and done with, but feel free to hold that against A-Rod forever. While you're hating him, he'll be drinking the Material Milkshake (yes, that was a bad Madonna joke) and hitting 50 homers a year on his way to being baseball's home run king. I'm sure he's shitting his pants about being included on the anti-Star team.
Left field: Paul McAnulty, San Diego.
Finally and mercifully optioned to Triple-A Portland this week, McAnulty has spent most of this season as Poster Boy for the bullheaded philosophies of Padres president Sandy Alderson, assistant Paul DePodesta and others in the executive offices who have made a shambles of this one-time NL West contender.
PAUL DEPODESTA!!!!!! It's his fault!!! Him and his fucking computer geeky computer science programs in his mother's basement!!! McAnulty's seen 164 plate appearances and he's been pretty bad (.207/.341/.341) but not really much worse than the other options:
Scott Hairston: .259/.305/.506
Justin Huber: .246/.303/.393
Callix Crabbe: .176/.282/.206
At least McAnulty gets on base at a roughly average rate. These other guys are fucking awful. The whole team is awful. And poor. Khalil Greene is OPSing .593 (and didn't make the cut for this retarded team.) Who's fault is all of this? Paul DePodesta. Naturally.
What's obvious is this: They are force-feeding antiquated philosophies that peaked during the Steroid Era (collect guys who can get on base and then the occasional three-run homer will take you home) in a park where they don't fit in an era when successful baseball teams have figured out you need multi-dimensional players to succeed.
New theory: Moneyball was the product of the Steroid Era.
Scott Miller tells us that the philosophy is to collect guys who can get on base and then pray for the 3-run homer. Let me try to more accurately explain this set of ideas for you.
In the game of baseball, a team is allotted 27 outs at a rate of 3 per inning. The idea is to score as many runs as possible while making as few outs as possible. Computer geek assholes like Paul DePodesta believe that if you get a bunch of guys who make LESS OUTS than the average player... by hitting or drawing walks... you increase the number of chances to score runs before making your 27 outs. They also believe that these players, because they can draw walks, will see more pitches, hence tiring the opposing team's pitchers and getting into their bullpen, thus putting a strain on the opponent's pitching staff.
Now that I've explained the fundamentals of the fucking game of baseball to a man who writes about it for a living... I'm going to move on. Moneyball has nothing the fuck to do with steroids. It has to do with the fact that most people (see: Scott Miller) still look at the game of baseball as though this is the 1920's. The game has changed, our understanding of the mechanics of the game has improved, and thus, teams are going in different directions to maximize their offensive potential and win games. Paul McAnulty is a bad baseball player. That doesn't make the philosophy wrong.
Center field: Andruw Jones, Dodgers
Freeway gridlock, smog and bad Dodgers contracts are the scourge of Los Angeles, and right now, Jones' deal takes the cake (and then eats it). For $36.2 million over two years, Jones at midweek was hitting .168 with two homers, eight RBI, 50 strikeouts and only 21 walks in 145 at-bats. Ouch.
But not one mention of Ned Coletti. You know... the genius smarty smart baseball man who replaced Paul DePodesta in Los Angeles... and signed superstars like Jason Schmidt, Andruw Jones and Juan Pierre to contracts, that combined, exceed the Gross National Product of Nigeria.
Right field: Paul O'Neill, Yankees
Let me summarize. Scott Miller thinks Paul O'Neill is an asshole... because he didn't rush to the defense of LaTroy Hawkins, who decided to wear his #21. Yankee fans didn't appreciate Hawkins choice of number, or his shitty pitching, and booed him. And it was O'Neill's job to defend the guy.
So does that mean that if Barry Larkin gives money to charity, that he can start at shortstop for the All-Star Team? Even though he's retired and hasn't played baseball this year? Do I need to point out how fucking moronic it is to pick a retired player for this list? I hope not.
The rest of this list is more stupid opinion bullshit... Shawn Chacon, Eric Gagne... not because they suck as players... but because Gagne was in the Mitchell Report, and Chacon attacked his GM.
Why are these people paid to write about baseball? Best answer wins a prize...
Monday, July 14, 2008
Somewhere, A-Rod is Smiling...
And no, this isn't another Madonna joke.
Vai Sikahema beat the shit out of Jose Canseco in a celebrity boxing match in Atlantic City, much to the joy of... well... everybody.
Sikahema, for those of you who don't know, was running back/kick returner for the Eagles, Cardinals and Packers. He was a two-time Pro Bowl special teamer. And these days I guess he does some broadcasting and sports direction for NBC.
To make Sikahema even cooler... he donated his $5,000 purse to the family of fallen Philly Cop, Stephen Liczbinski, which means two things.
1) Sikahema is something of a virtuous and kind guy and...
2) He basically kicked Jose Canseco's ass for free.
Although if he can find a way to bottle and sell "what it feels like to punch Jose Canseco", I'm rather confident he'll never have to worry about money.
Vai Sikahema beat the shit out of Jose Canseco in a celebrity boxing match in Atlantic City, much to the joy of... well... everybody.
Sikahema, for those of you who don't know, was running back/kick returner for the Eagles, Cardinals and Packers. He was a two-time Pro Bowl special teamer. And these days I guess he does some broadcasting and sports direction for NBC.
To make Sikahema even cooler... he donated his $5,000 purse to the family of fallen Philly Cop, Stephen Liczbinski, which means two things.
1) Sikahema is something of a virtuous and kind guy and...
2) He basically kicked Jose Canseco's ass for free.
Although if he can find a way to bottle and sell "what it feels like to punch Jose Canseco", I'm rather confident he'll never have to worry about money.
Friday, July 11, 2008
It's really only about $270,000.00 US Dollars...
And now, the dumb salary-related argument made by a professional athlete in any sport since Latrell Sprewell publicly wondered how he'd feed his family on only $7 Million a year.
Yup, Cristiano Ronaldo is likening his current plight of being stuck in a contract that only pays him 120,000 pounds a week for a team that he doesn't want to play for... to slavery!
That's better than a quarter of a million dollars a week. A WEEK. A fucking week!!! If this blog made 1% of that a week, I'd be a pig in shit dancing on rooftops!! And he's comparing himself to a slave.
Do we need to sit back and explain the dynamics of "slavery"? Because no part of it involves prancing around in little shorts and kicking a fucking soccer ball. Obviously, as I am American, I have minimal respect for the game of soccer.
I played it briefly when I was 10. I got kicked in the nuts. I hated it. And I quit and joined a baseball team instead.
It's been a bad few weeks for guys whos names involve Ronaldo, hasn't it? I mean, what with the other one getting caught with tranny hookers and all.
Congrats Cristiano, you're the official recipient of the Trojan ENZ Boner of the Week Award! Just don't show it to the other Ronaldo. He might try to proposition it for sex.
Yup, Cristiano Ronaldo is likening his current plight of being stuck in a contract that only pays him 120,000 pounds a week for a team that he doesn't want to play for... to slavery!
That's better than a quarter of a million dollars a week. A WEEK. A fucking week!!! If this blog made 1% of that a week, I'd be a pig in shit dancing on rooftops!! And he's comparing himself to a slave.
Do we need to sit back and explain the dynamics of "slavery"? Because no part of it involves prancing around in little shorts and kicking a fucking soccer ball. Obviously, as I am American, I have minimal respect for the game of soccer.
I played it briefly when I was 10. I got kicked in the nuts. I hated it. And I quit and joined a baseball team instead.
It's been a bad few weeks for guys whos names involve Ronaldo, hasn't it? I mean, what with the other one getting caught with tranny hookers and all.
Congrats Cristiano, you're the official recipient of the Trojan ENZ Boner of the Week Award! Just don't show it to the other Ronaldo. He might try to proposition it for sex.
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