A Change of Pace

For the first time in Sportsix's short history, I'm going to be writing about a journalist that I believe is credible, has researched his topic tediously and is very, very talented and skilled at his craft. His name is Paul Jackson and he's a Chicago-based freelance writer.

Paul just did a piece for ESPN Page 2 on 10¢ beer night in Cleveland.

Forfeits in baseball are pretty rare, and as Paul points out, there hasn't been one in almost 13 years, which works out to roughly 30,000 major league games.

Basically, the combination of cheap beer, a city on the verge of bankruptcy and fans frustrated with their teams futility damned near killed a bunch of ballplayers on June 4, 1974.

What's especially fascinating about this, is the number of really well-known guys who were involved. I had heard of this event, albeit briefly, but I had no idea that guys like Billy Martin, Jeff Burroughs (father of former Padre/Ray Sean), Hall of Famer Fergie Jenkins Mike Hargrove and others were present.

Point I'm making is that if you're a fan of the game, you ought to know about an event like this. I didn't. And most of you probably don't, so check it out.

I'll close with an interesting little tidbit: Outfielder Rusty Torres actually witnessed 3 riots in his career. He was standing on second base when all hell broke loose in Cleveland, and was also present for the Senator's final game in Washington in 1971, and the infamous Disco Demolition Night in Chicago in 1979.

This Has Got To Be Profiling...

Former Cincinnati Bengals fullback Pete Johnson is on his way to prison after having been found guilty of writing bad checks.

He becomes, I think, the one billionth current or former Bengal to wind up on the wrong side of the law. I'm pretty sure it's a billion, give or take a few.

Basically it's everybody except Boomer Esiason. Dear, sweet, beloved Boomer. The man who once laid down in front of a bus to prevent replacement players from getting into the stadium.

So yeah, I'm starting to think that somebody's trying to make the Bengals look bad... because that organization can't possibly be this fucked up, especially since Terrell Owens hasn't played for them.

You know, in recent news Bengals management actually decided against new uniform designs, electing instead to give black sharpies to all their players, so they could draw stripes on their prison jumpsuits.

The Count is No Balls and Two Dykes

I'm sure I'm getting to this late. I blame that on all of you because nobody tipped me off about it, I had to find it on my own. And for the record, I'm totally taking advantage of every chance to link chicks kissing.

Apparently a couple of chicks were going at it during a Mariner game and it upset some people. God, where do I go with this for a cheap laugh? I'll just make a list:

1) Isn't this the most exciting thing that's happened at a Mariner game all season?
2) If I pay for plane tickets, will these girls come watch Yankees games instead?
3) Can Adrian Beltre get some love from these girls? He's got no balls, which practically makes him a lesbian.

Some people claimed that these girls were groping each other and whatnot, to which they state that they were "eating garlic fries and giving each other brief kisses."

Have you ever tried to get someone to come within 17 feet of your mouth while eating garlic fries? This is obviously true love, which brings me to my exciting conclusion.

If lesbians want to go to baseball games, more power to them.
If they want to kiss at baseball games, again, more power to them.
If they want to get completely naked at baseball games and give each other Brazilian waxes behind home plate, then I'm probably going to start watching a lot more baseball.

I know, I know. You're saying, "Well, what about me? I'm a parent!! What am I supposed to tell my kids when they see two women scissoring in the on-base circle?!" Well here's what you tell your kids.

"Don't tell your mother."

And just because I can...

Nick Kaczur?

So let me get this straight...

Nick Kaczur, offensive lineman for the New England Patriots, was secretly taping his Oxycodone dealer's signals? Next we're going to hear about how Tom Brady caught a crackhead pissing on a church with his camera phone.

Real Quick MMA Note Here...

It's midnight and my insomniac ass is awake and posting... just a quick hit here.

I just got to watch the WEC Featherweight title match between Urijah Faber and Jens Pulver. If you guys are into Mixed Martial Arts and you haven't seen this fight, and this entire card, you need to check it out. WEC is on the Versus channel, you know, that backwater sports network that shows all the NHL games now.

This was an outstanding 5 round fight between two absolutely world class guys with chins of steel. This fight absolutely put that Kimbo EliteXC shit to shame. This was everything that a fight, whether you're watching boxing or MMA or cockfighting or whatever, should be. I'm thankful that I got to see it, and I'm actually glad that Versus is going to air this card about 7,400 more times in the next month, because I'll get to watch it again.

Faber and Pulver absolutely put on the best show I've ever seen in an MMA match. Clean striking, versatile, tactical grappling... and the kind of back-and-fourth action that you don't forget. So yeah, check that shit out if you get the chance.

I Hope Bill Simmons Gets Nut Cancer...

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Mark Prior Should Sue Dusty Baker...

For pain and suffering, and for lost wages. Yes, bashing Dusty Baker has become something of a habit and a fetish for me... but I'm going to do it again and I'm not sorry.

Mark Prior made 30 starts in 2003, his first full year as a pro.

In those 30 starts, he went over 100 pitches 26 times.
He went over 110 pitches 19 times.
He went over 120 pitches 8 times.
And he went over 130 pitches 3 times.

And that's just in the regular season. Did I mention that he was 22? Did I mention that he's going for another surgery and one of the most promising careers of the last 20 years is basically over?

Did I also mention that in 2005, after Prior spent 2004 banged up and hurt... Baker allowed him to throw 115+ pitches 9 times with a high of 131?

How about the fact that in 2003, already injury-proned Kerry Wood broke 120 pitches in 13 starts and finished the season with 6 straight starts of 114 or more?

Would you believe me if I told you that Wood's highest pitch count in 2003 was 141?

Now Baker's in Cincinnati.

Already, Johnny Cueto (22 years old) has gone 108, 114 and 119 this year.
Edinson Volquez (24) went 112, 118, 110 and 111.
And Homer Bailey's coming up for his first start.

Here's some info on how a couple of other teams handle their prized, young pitchers.

High Pitch Counts for Phil Hughes (Yankees): 106, 102, 99
High Pitch Counts for Clay Buchholz (Red Sox): 115 (no hitter), 113, 103, 98

Point here is... find me another team, ANY TEAM, ANY MANAGER, that consistently abuses his pitchers the way Dusty Baker does... I beg you to. I implore you from the depths of my soul.

I think Mark Prior should press charges against Dusty Baker. I think Dusty Baker should be brought up on Murder charges... for killing Prior's career.

Ozzie #!@&@*! Guillen! Yeah!!!

Ozzie Guillen's not happy with the makeup of his (temporarily) first place team. So this astronaut goes to the press and assures them that the GM is going to make a move.

The only problem? Kenny Williams (the GM) has no knowledge of a move pending, saying the following:

"It's just not a good idea to throw your boss under the bus, especially when that boss has had your back as much as I have had his."

So yeah, Kenny's not happy. You have to figure that there was a conversation between Williams and Guillen before Ozzie went to the press though... because Ozzie had to have a reason to think a move was coming. Here's what I think happened.

Ozzie Guillen: Hallo Kenny! Hey, you got a minute mang? I need to talk with you.
Kenny Williams: Sure Ozzie, I've always got time for you, what's up?
OG: Mira Kenny! I can no ween with this offense!
KW: Yeah, some of the guys have been bad. I think Konerko will come around though, maybe it's time to dump Juan Uri...
OG: SCOTT PODSEDNIK MANG!!
KW: Wha? Where? Here?
OG: No Kenny! MIRA!! WE NEED PODSEDNIK!! AND DARIN ERSTAD!!!
KW: Oh, umm... no Ozzie, I don't think we need them. I think we need to cut Juan Uribe and let my grandmother play his position. That would hel...
OG: MOTHER FUCKER!! I NEED GRINDERS YOU FUCKING MARICÓN!!! I NEED SMARTBALL GRINDERS!! I NEED DIRT!!
KW: Podsednik OPS'd .172 last year! And Darin Erstad's been dead for at least seven years!
OG: AND I WANT ECKSTEIN!!
KW: Okay, lets say that I get Eckstein, Erstad and Podsednik. I guess we can play Eckstein at second instead of Uribe, but what about Quentin and Swish?
OG: Mira Kenny! We cut O-Cab and leave Uribe. Uribe is my mang, mang!!
KW: But what about Swish and Quentin?
OG: *pulls out switchblade* FUCK SWISHER!!! AND FUCK CARLOS QUENTIN!! I BURY THOSE COCK-A-ROACH!!
KW: No fucking way Ozzie. There's no way we're dumping Quentin, Swish and O-Cab for those guys...
OG: What you say mang? *Points switchblade at Kenny Williams*
KW: *sarcastically* Okay, okay Ozzie. Sure... I'll go to my office right now and make the trades. I'll completely destroy this team's offense, and mortally wound the franchise's future for the next 7,491 years to get the guys you want. Will that make you happy?
OG: *Puts away switchblade* Aye! I love you Kenny! I going to call a press conference!!!!
OG: *Skips away excitedly*

This Isn't Just a Sports Blog!!

Regular people suck every bit as much as stupid athletes and dipshit journalists. And with that in mind, I'm going to try something new. Thanks to a section of the New York Daily News called "Voice of the People", any jackass can write in to the newspaper and get their jackassedness printed. And some of this stuff tends to get pretty bad, for example.

Bronx: Re Voicer Adam Schiavone's ignorant comment about Kurt Cobain's suicide: Kurt Cobain was murdered. You'll find detailed evidence at justiceforkurt.com. Jennifer R. Levinsky

If by "detailed evidence" you mean, "a collection of 14 years worth of conspiracy theories" then yeah, you'll find that at justiceforkurt.com. Here's a newsflash for you people. Dave Grohl didn't kill Kurt. Neither did Courtney Love. You know why?

Because Kurt Cobain is alive. He's taxiing around the fucking galaxy with Elvis Presley and the guy who killed O.J.'s wife. You can find detailed evidence of this at BlowMeYouPsychoConspiracyTheorists.com!!

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Let me preface the next topic by saying that it's something I've got a bit of experience with. It's something I've been pretty good at in my life, despite not being great looking or rich. Yeah, we're going to talk briefly about picking up women.

Astoria: The iPod has severely hurt the singles scene. More ladies are wearing iPods than are not. Now a guy like me who would want to talk to a lady cannot. Sal Sessa

Sal!!! Sally boy!!! Sallllll-vaaaaaa-torrrrrre!!! Don't worry, I'm Italian. It's my birthright to make fun of other Italians. And to have a mother with a mustache. Sorry Mom.

First and foremost, where are you trying to pick up women Sal? On the train? Walking in the streets? Or are women actually wearing their iPods out to bars and at the museum and stuff... cuz I must have missed that.

The problem isn't the iPod Sal. The problem is that they're not interested in you, or maybe just not interested in being hit on by ANYBODY at that moment.

Here's why girls like to wear headphones on the street/train/etc. It prevents them from hearing your stupid catcalls. Turning around when someone yells something at you is a very instinctive thing, and the second a woman turns around after you yelled "Hey bayyyy-beeeeee!!!! Bada-bing!!!!" you get encouraged. You think she's interested. She's not interested. Because seventeen guys have shouted the same thing, while wearing the same clothes, with the same stupid fucking spiky 'Growing-Up-Gotti' hairstyle since she left her house an hour ago.

And if she can manage to completely ignore you, there's a chance that you're not going to follow her for 3 blocks. The iPod goes a long way towards saving a chick from having to file a restraining order against you. Be thankful for it.

Re: Jason Whitlock

The NBA Playoff ratings boost is the will of Zuul!



And remember folks, if somebody asks if you're a God, you say YES!