Everything you read here basically amounts to the bored attempts at humor of a pretty regular guy working a dull day-job. I try to be sarcastic and witty and tongue-in-cheek. And sometimes I'm successful with that.
I make fun of everyone and everything that catches my fancy, and I hope that if the people involved actually see what I've said about them, they'll keep their sense of humor about it and not stalk me down and kick my ass. And the real fact of the matter is, sometimes (probably more than sometimes) I'm a complete jerk-off and I go too far.
A couple of weeks ago, I pulled posts out of the Daily News' "Voice of the People" section and tore into a couple of complete strangers for no real reason. I jumped to numerous conclusions without any knowledge of these peoples' sides of the story.
So here is a short list correcting/restating some facts from the last post:
1) Sal Sessa isn't some punk 20-year old trying to score chicks. He's a grown man, and judging by the mail he wrote me, an educated, intelligent one at that.
2) He's talking about women in coffee shops and social settings. Places where a guy SHOULD be able to talk to the people around him.
3) New York City is probably the hardest place in the world to meet people, because everybody's in a big rush, and is scared and guarded and afraid of strangers.
4) Sal didn't even seem pissed about this, which probably means that he's got a pretty good sense of humor (and that he's not going to come and kick my ass.)
For the record ladies: On the train/bus or while you're walking in the streets, the iPod's a great guy-repellent. But for crying out fucking loud... if you're in Starbucks, take them the fuck off. You HAVE to give a guy SOME opportunity to say hi. It's really only fair.
Otherwise, why don't you just tattoo the words, "I AM A DYKE" on your forehead, and then we'll know to leave you alone. Sorry Sal.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Happy Trails, Cedric Benson!
As you all probably know by now, Cedric Benson picked up his second DUI in a month this week. And as you probably could have figured out, the Bears just cut him.
So much for the 36-day holdout and the 5 year, $35 million dollar contract, and dealing Thomas Jones to make this guy the feature back.
However!!! This brings us to a spiffy new place!!! We're taking bets on where Cedric Benson lands!!
There are 31 NFL franchises not named Da Bears... and chances are, that somebody's going to grab up Benson.
The obvious favorites are, of course, the Bengals and the Cowboys... but send in your guess. The first person to guess correctly will win a prize of my choosing!
It could be something cool, or something completely fucking worthless, but it'll be yours. You can post your guesses in the comments of this post... or e-mail them to me.
Also, this made me laugh, Cedric Benson telling ESPN: The Magazine that he's "not Ricky." Yeah.. Ricky fails drug tests. Not sobriety tests.
So much for the 36-day holdout and the 5 year, $35 million dollar contract, and dealing Thomas Jones to make this guy the feature back.
However!!! This brings us to a spiffy new place!!! We're taking bets on where Cedric Benson lands!!
There are 31 NFL franchises not named Da Bears... and chances are, that somebody's going to grab up Benson.
The obvious favorites are, of course, the Bengals and the Cowboys... but send in your guess. The first person to guess correctly will win a prize of my choosing!
It could be something cool, or something completely fucking worthless, but it'll be yours. You can post your guesses in the comments of this post... or e-mail them to me.
Also, this made me laugh, Cedric Benson telling ESPN: The Magazine that he's "not Ricky." Yeah.. Ricky fails drug tests. Not sobriety tests.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Dave Fleming = Mark Prior?
Thanks to USS Mariner for this cool information that I would never have thought to look for myself.
For those of you who don't know who Dave Fleming was, he went 17-10 for the Mariners (basically as a rookie) in 1992, at age 22. He flamed out of the game of baseball with a rotator cuff tear after the 1995 season. The likely culprit? Overuse.
100 or less: 11 starts
101-109 pitches: 5 starts
110-121 pitches: 9 starts (this is where we start getting into the harmful)
122-132 pitches: 6 starts
133 pitches or more: 5 starts
And here's a comparison to Mark Prior, also at age 22, for the Cubs in 2003. He went 18-6 that year.
For those of you who don't know who Dave Fleming was, he went 17-10 for the Mariners (basically as a rookie) in 1992, at age 22. He flamed out of the game of baseball with a rotator cuff tear after the 1995 season. The likely culprit? Overuse.
100 or less: 11 starts
101-109 pitches: 5 starts
110-121 pitches: 9 starts (this is where we start getting into the harmful)
122-132 pitches: 6 starts
133 pitches or more: 5 starts
And here's a comparison to Mark Prior, also at age 22, for the Cubs in 2003. He went 18-6 that year.
100 or less: 5 starts
101-109 pitches: 6 starts
110-121 pitches: 10 starts (this is where we start getting into the harmful)
122-132 pitches: 8 starts
133 pitches or more: 1 starts
This is what I mean when I say that the guys who show promise, but flame out after one good year because they're overused and get hurt... are forgotten by history. Nobody remembers Dave Fleming winning 17 as a rookie.
And 10 or 15 years from now, nobody will remember Mark Prior either.
This concludes installment # 729 of "Why MLB Should Take Cueto, Bailey and Volquez Away From Dusty Baker." Thank you.
New Name, Same Stupid Fucking Dopes
Iggy and Lowell Cohn are at it again... but not for Cohn vs. Cohn. Nope, that's gone. Now it's the Cohn Zone. Apparently, one of the fucking nerds in the IT department at The Press Democrat took care of that complex blog-name-nerd-nerd-nerd-changing stuff for Iggy and Lowell.
Here you'll find a fascinating argument on who belongs in the Hall of Fame and who doesn't. And by "fascinating" I do mean that reading this article without proper sunglasses could cause no less than 200 of your brain cells to commit suicide. Like emo kids.
ABSOLUTE LOCKS FOR THE HALL, NO DISCUSSION NEEDED: Tom Glavine, Ken Griffey, Jr., Trevor Hoffman, Derek Jeter, Randy Johnson, Greg Maddux, Mariano Rivera, Alex Rodriguez, Ivan Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, John Smoltz
Ivan Rodriguez? Really? Didn't he take some illegal pillsy stuff and mysteriously lose 30 pounds and all his muscles by "not eating junk food"? And Smoltz is no discussion needed? Did I miss like 100 wins in his career? Or did 200 wins and 150 saves become like the new 300 wins? Smoltz probably deserves to go... but... no discussion needed? Fuck you Iggy. And fuck you Lowell.
ABSOLUTE NOS, NO DISCUSSION NEEDED ON THESE GOOD, BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH PLAYERS: Luis Gonzalez, Mike Mussina, Andy Pettitte, Billy Wagner
Umm... no to Mussina and yes to Smoltz? Both without discussion? Smoltz and Mussina are actually pretty similar statistically. Here are the differences.
Mussina has won 49 (and counting) more games.
Smoltz has been in the big leagues for 2 years longer.
Smoltz closed for 4 years because he was too injury-proned to start, and racked up 154 saves.
Personally, I think Mussina's been the better pitcher, but I can understand opinions in either direction. To say that one is a LOCK for the Hall... and the other is OUT is complete fucking insanity. It keeps getting more crazy...
Ichiro: We know, he hasn't played enough games. But come on, this guy is great and belongs in the Hall.
I have to disagree here. Ichiro has 1668 hits in his career to date. 81% (1352) of them have been singles. And his 81% rate of success on stolen bases, means that his base-stealing barely compensates for the number of outs he gives away by getting caught. His career OPS (.811) ranks him 65th among active players between Mike Lowell and Carlos Guillen.
He's probably the second-best leadoff man of all time behind Ricky Henderson, and he's the best center fielder and/or right fielder in baseball.
I'm not going to argue for or against defense. It's value and quality are near-impossible to validate with statistics, although I'm certain he's not the best CF or RF in baseball.
I'm more concerned with "second-best leadoff man of all time." Ty Cobb batted leadoff, didn't he? With his career .366 average and .434 OBP? I'd take Tim Raines over Ichiro. Kenny Lofton. Point is... this arguement is fucking stupid. He's not the 2nd-best leadoff man of all time. He's not the second-best leadoff man of NOW. He's a good player, not a Hall of Famer.
Lowell's argument against Chipper Jones: Everyone says how he ranks as a switch hitter. But he's no Mickey Mantle. Now, that was a great switch hitter with a ton more power than Chipper, and with over 130 more home runs.
There you have it. The argument against Chipper Jones is: "He's not Mickey Mantle." That's funny, because when Mantle was up for the HOF, the argument against him was, "He's not a Third Baseman."
Here's why Jones will go: He's only 36, which means he has plenty of time to reach 500 homers and 500 doubles, and his career .310/.407/.550 (OPS+ 145) is out-fucking-standing.
Jeff Kent: Iggy and Lowell agree on Kent and what they agree on is NO in capital letters.
Hey Iggy and Lowell. You said no in capital letters by writing "NO." Saying NO (in capital letters) and following it with "in capital letters" is redundant. And stupid. We're reading this. We can see that you've capitalized the word no.
And again, why doesn't Jeff Kent get in? Name 5 second basemen who've hit 350+ homers, 500+ doubles, driven in almost 1500 RBIs and OPS+'d 123? What? You can't? Because second basemen don't hit like that?
He played second base so he could accumulate great offensive numbers for a second baseman. He should have been a third or first baseman.
Because he's the one who signs himself to a contract and pencils himself into the lineup every day at second base. Lets punish him. I'll be the first to say that Jeff Kent seems like a douche bag, but to penalize one of the best offensive second basemen of all time... because you think he should have played third? Sorta backward-assed.
Frank Thomas: Lowell says yes and Iggy says no.
Igglethorpe Masterson Cohn! Did your father drop you on your head as a child? How the fuck can you possibly argue against The Big Hurt!? I realize he's not Babe Ruth, but come on.
Iggy's argument anti Frank Thomas: Yes, he has great hitting numbers. Yes, he has two MVPs. But those awards came all the way back in 93 and 94. Thomas was a five-time All Star, but each of those appearances came between 93 and 97.
Iggy's argument against Frank Thomas is that he hasn't been the most absolutely ridiculously dominant hitter in all of baseball since 1997. Hey Iggy, that's because Big Frank had some injury problems. He's still hit 520 homers and 493 doubles and OPS'd almost 1.000 for his career.
Not to mention that from 1991 to 1997 he OPS'd six hundred thousand. I haven't checked the stats, because I'm certain it's about six hundred thousand. He was, by far, the most dominant first baseman of his era. And even now, he can still rake when he's healthy.
Jim Thome: Worth considering, but no cigar.
Haha! No cigar!! No soup for you!!!! Fuck Jim Thome and his 148 OPS+ career.
Those 500-plus homers are impressive, but he's a .280 hitter.
Other shitty, unimpressive hitters with batting averages around .280: Willie Stargell (.282), Willie McCovey (.270), Mike Schmidt (.267), Harmon Killebrew (.256), Eddie Matthews (.271), Ernie Banks (.274), Reggie Jackson (.262). Know what else all these shitheads have in common? They're all Hall of Famers.
Some players you absolutely have to wait around when they come to bat. With Thome, you could go grab a Coke.
You mean because Thome was busy drawing walks and posting a career .407 OBP? Ranking him 43rd in the entire history of the game of baseball? You're right. Fuck Jim Thome.
Here you'll find a fascinating argument on who belongs in the Hall of Fame and who doesn't. And by "fascinating" I do mean that reading this article without proper sunglasses could cause no less than 200 of your brain cells to commit suicide. Like emo kids.
ABSOLUTE LOCKS FOR THE HALL, NO DISCUSSION NEEDED: Tom Glavine, Ken Griffey, Jr., Trevor Hoffman, Derek Jeter, Randy Johnson, Greg Maddux, Mariano Rivera, Alex Rodriguez, Ivan Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, John Smoltz
Ivan Rodriguez? Really? Didn't he take some illegal pillsy stuff and mysteriously lose 30 pounds and all his muscles by "not eating junk food"? And Smoltz is no discussion needed? Did I miss like 100 wins in his career? Or did 200 wins and 150 saves become like the new 300 wins? Smoltz probably deserves to go... but... no discussion needed? Fuck you Iggy. And fuck you Lowell.
ABSOLUTE NOS, NO DISCUSSION NEEDED ON THESE GOOD, BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH PLAYERS: Luis Gonzalez, Mike Mussina, Andy Pettitte, Billy Wagner
Umm... no to Mussina and yes to Smoltz? Both without discussion? Smoltz and Mussina are actually pretty similar statistically. Here are the differences.
Mussina has won 49 (and counting) more games.
Smoltz has been in the big leagues for 2 years longer.
Smoltz closed for 4 years because he was too injury-proned to start, and racked up 154 saves.
Personally, I think Mussina's been the better pitcher, but I can understand opinions in either direction. To say that one is a LOCK for the Hall... and the other is OUT is complete fucking insanity. It keeps getting more crazy...
Ichiro: We know, he hasn't played enough games. But come on, this guy is great and belongs in the Hall.
I have to disagree here. Ichiro has 1668 hits in his career to date. 81% (1352) of them have been singles. And his 81% rate of success on stolen bases, means that his base-stealing barely compensates for the number of outs he gives away by getting caught. His career OPS (.811) ranks him 65th among active players between Mike Lowell and Carlos Guillen.
He's probably the second-best leadoff man of all time behind Ricky Henderson, and he's the best center fielder and/or right fielder in baseball.
I'm not going to argue for or against defense. It's value and quality are near-impossible to validate with statistics, although I'm certain he's not the best CF or RF in baseball.
I'm more concerned with "second-best leadoff man of all time." Ty Cobb batted leadoff, didn't he? With his career .366 average and .434 OBP? I'd take Tim Raines over Ichiro. Kenny Lofton. Point is... this arguement is fucking stupid. He's not the 2nd-best leadoff man of all time. He's not the second-best leadoff man of NOW. He's a good player, not a Hall of Famer.
Lowell's argument against Chipper Jones: Everyone says how he ranks as a switch hitter. But he's no Mickey Mantle. Now, that was a great switch hitter with a ton more power than Chipper, and with over 130 more home runs.
There you have it. The argument against Chipper Jones is: "He's not Mickey Mantle." That's funny, because when Mantle was up for the HOF, the argument against him was, "He's not a Third Baseman."
Here's why Jones will go: He's only 36, which means he has plenty of time to reach 500 homers and 500 doubles, and his career .310/.407/.550 (OPS+ 145) is out-fucking-standing.
Jeff Kent: Iggy and Lowell agree on Kent and what they agree on is NO in capital letters.
Hey Iggy and Lowell. You said no in capital letters by writing "NO." Saying NO (in capital letters) and following it with "in capital letters" is redundant. And stupid. We're reading this. We can see that you've capitalized the word no.
And again, why doesn't Jeff Kent get in? Name 5 second basemen who've hit 350+ homers, 500+ doubles, driven in almost 1500 RBIs and OPS+'d 123? What? You can't? Because second basemen don't hit like that?
He played second base so he could accumulate great offensive numbers for a second baseman. He should have been a third or first baseman.
Because he's the one who signs himself to a contract and pencils himself into the lineup every day at second base. Lets punish him. I'll be the first to say that Jeff Kent seems like a douche bag, but to penalize one of the best offensive second basemen of all time... because you think he should have played third? Sorta backward-assed.
Frank Thomas: Lowell says yes and Iggy says no.
Igglethorpe Masterson Cohn! Did your father drop you on your head as a child? How the fuck can you possibly argue against The Big Hurt!? I realize he's not Babe Ruth, but come on.
Iggy's argument anti Frank Thomas: Yes, he has great hitting numbers. Yes, he has two MVPs. But those awards came all the way back in 93 and 94. Thomas was a five-time All Star, but each of those appearances came between 93 and 97.
Iggy's argument against Frank Thomas is that he hasn't been the most absolutely ridiculously dominant hitter in all of baseball since 1997. Hey Iggy, that's because Big Frank had some injury problems. He's still hit 520 homers and 493 doubles and OPS'd almost 1.000 for his career.
Not to mention that from 1991 to 1997 he OPS'd six hundred thousand. I haven't checked the stats, because I'm certain it's about six hundred thousand. He was, by far, the most dominant first baseman of his era. And even now, he can still rake when he's healthy.
Jim Thome: Worth considering, but no cigar.
Haha! No cigar!! No soup for you!!!! Fuck Jim Thome and his 148 OPS+ career.
Those 500-plus homers are impressive, but he's a .280 hitter.
Other shitty, unimpressive hitters with batting averages around .280: Willie Stargell (.282), Willie McCovey (.270), Mike Schmidt (.267), Harmon Killebrew (.256), Eddie Matthews (.271), Ernie Banks (.274), Reggie Jackson (.262). Know what else all these shitheads have in common? They're all Hall of Famers.
Some players you absolutely have to wait around when they come to bat. With Thome, you could go grab a Coke.
You mean because Thome was busy drawing walks and posting a career .407 OBP? Ranking him 43rd in the entire history of the game of baseball? You're right. Fuck Jim Thome.
Giving as Good as I Get
Thank you, New York Post, for giving me this wonderful article.
This gives me the chance to do something that I know you've all wanted to see. You've seen me take giant steaming dumps on the White Sox, Cubs, Reds, Dodgers and just about everybody else but I haven't said a thing about the team I pull for. Well here we go.
So lets get started with trades that Joel Sherman thinks the Yankees should pull immediately, trades that will restore the pinstripe glory and all that.
Yanks trade Horne and Ohlendorf to the Pirates for Damaso Marte
Damaso Marte. That's what Horne and Ohlendorf are netting for the Yanks? Entering the season, Horne and Ohlendorf were ranked 5 and 9 in the Yankees system by Baseball America. The Yankees are trading two of their top-10 prospects for a lefty reliever who looks good in the weakest hitting division in baseball? Yeah, great fucking idea. Trade 12 years of young, cheap pitching for 50 innings of Damaso Marte. Brilliant!
Yanks trade Melky Cabrera, Ian Kennedy and Austin Romine for Huston Street
Billy Beane is sitting in his office at about 9:00 PM on a Thursday night when his phone rings.
Billy Beane: Hello?
Brian Cashman: Hey Billy! It's Brian Cashman with the Yankees. I have a trade offer for you.
Beane: Brian, I've told you already that we don't want Giambi or Damon back.
Cashman: I know, this one's way better! Cabrera and Kennedy for Huston Street!
Beane: Kennedy's hurt.
Cashman: Just a little bit! And you get Melky Cabrera!!
Beane: Whoa! MELKY CABRERA!! I thought you meant Miguel Cabrera!!
Cashman: Yup! Melky! Los Leche!!!
Beane: Oh my God! Hang on, I have to text my BFF Paul DePodesta to tell him about this!!! OMG PAUL I GOT MELKY OMFG LOL CASHMAN OMGOMGOMG!!!!!!1
Kennedy's hurt and his value is shit right now. Melky is a decent centerfielder with a .338 OBP. Which is to say, not really what Beane salivates over. Billy Beane would laugh at Cashman. Then hang up the phone. An hour later, he'd call Cashman back and laugh some more. Beane would then, go out for happy hour, get drunk, stumble into his house at 3 AM and call Cashman again, waking him from a sound sleep.... to laugh at him again.
Yanks trade Hideki Matsui, Jose Tabata and Alberto Gonzalez to the Giants for Jonathan Sanchez and Randy Winn
There was talk of a Matsui deal at the start of the year. Cashman wanted Sanchez. The Giants offered Noah Lowry. So now that Sanchez has thrown 75 pretty good innings this year, the Giants are going to give him up? Tabata is underachieving, Gonzalez can't hit. Again, this trade is not happening.
Yanks trade Edwar Ramirez and J.B. Cox to the Astros for Ty Wigginton
I might have failed to mention, the Yankees are supposed to make all 5 of these trades, or it doesn't work. Sherman thinks the Yanks need Wigginton to play first base now that he's moved Matsui and cleared up the DH spot for Giambi.
Problems:
1) None of the trades up to this one would work.
2) Giambi can't hit when he DH's. He's hitting now, so why fuck with him?
3) Matsui has a no-trade clause and would probably reject a deal to the Giants, even if the Giants were crazy enough to pull the trigger on that deal.
So I'm going to go ahead and say no. The Yankees do not need Ty Wigginton.
A three-way trade in which the Yanks get Nick Swisher, Matt Thornton and John Danks. The White Sox get Melky Cabrera, Hideki Matsui, Ian Kennedy and Ray Durham. The Giants get Paul Konerko, Alberto Gonzalez and Shelley Duncan.
I guess this one is a fall-back plan if 1-4 fail. Otherwise the Yanks are trading Melky, Matsui, Kennedy and Gonzalez twice. But lets break this down.
Yanks lose: Melky, Matsui, Kennedy, Gonzalez, Duncan.
Yanks get: Danks, Swisher, Thornton
2 Months ago, the Yanks wouldn't give up Kennedy and Melky for Johan Santana. Now they move them for basically, Danks and Swisher? Pshh...
White Sox lose: Swisher, Thornton, Danks, Konerko
White Sox get: Melky, Matsui, Kennedy, Durham
The White Sox gave up a ton for Swisher. They're dumping him for this garbage? And Danks? Who's 23 and has been lights out so far this year?
Giants lose: Durham
Giants get: Konerko, Gonzalez, Duncan
Do I need to say anything? Anything at all? Ray Durham for Paul Konerko. The White Sox are in first place, and they're having a fucking fire sale.
Joel Sherman, your article represents epic failure. Please punch yourself in the testicles.
This gives me the chance to do something that I know you've all wanted to see. You've seen me take giant steaming dumps on the White Sox, Cubs, Reds, Dodgers and just about everybody else but I haven't said a thing about the team I pull for. Well here we go.
So lets get started with trades that Joel Sherman thinks the Yankees should pull immediately, trades that will restore the pinstripe glory and all that.
Yanks trade Horne and Ohlendorf to the Pirates for Damaso Marte
Damaso Marte. That's what Horne and Ohlendorf are netting for the Yanks? Entering the season, Horne and Ohlendorf were ranked 5 and 9 in the Yankees system by Baseball America. The Yankees are trading two of their top-10 prospects for a lefty reliever who looks good in the weakest hitting division in baseball? Yeah, great fucking idea. Trade 12 years of young, cheap pitching for 50 innings of Damaso Marte. Brilliant!
Yanks trade Melky Cabrera, Ian Kennedy and Austin Romine for Huston Street
Billy Beane is sitting in his office at about 9:00 PM on a Thursday night when his phone rings.
Billy Beane: Hello?
Brian Cashman: Hey Billy! It's Brian Cashman with the Yankees. I have a trade offer for you.
Beane: Brian, I've told you already that we don't want Giambi or Damon back.
Cashman: I know, this one's way better! Cabrera and Kennedy for Huston Street!
Beane: Kennedy's hurt.
Cashman: Just a little bit! And you get Melky Cabrera!!
Beane: Whoa! MELKY CABRERA!! I thought you meant Miguel Cabrera!!
Cashman: Yup! Melky! Los Leche!!!
Beane: Oh my God! Hang on, I have to text my BFF Paul DePodesta to tell him about this!!! OMG PAUL I GOT MELKY OMFG LOL CASHMAN OMGOMGOMG!!!!!!1
Kennedy's hurt and his value is shit right now. Melky is a decent centerfielder with a .338 OBP. Which is to say, not really what Beane salivates over. Billy Beane would laugh at Cashman. Then hang up the phone. An hour later, he'd call Cashman back and laugh some more. Beane would then, go out for happy hour, get drunk, stumble into his house at 3 AM and call Cashman again, waking him from a sound sleep.... to laugh at him again.
Yanks trade Hideki Matsui, Jose Tabata and Alberto Gonzalez to the Giants for Jonathan Sanchez and Randy Winn
There was talk of a Matsui deal at the start of the year. Cashman wanted Sanchez. The Giants offered Noah Lowry. So now that Sanchez has thrown 75 pretty good innings this year, the Giants are going to give him up? Tabata is underachieving, Gonzalez can't hit. Again, this trade is not happening.
Yanks trade Edwar Ramirez and J.B. Cox to the Astros for Ty Wigginton
I might have failed to mention, the Yankees are supposed to make all 5 of these trades, or it doesn't work. Sherman thinks the Yanks need Wigginton to play first base now that he's moved Matsui and cleared up the DH spot for Giambi.
Problems:
1) None of the trades up to this one would work.
2) Giambi can't hit when he DH's. He's hitting now, so why fuck with him?
3) Matsui has a no-trade clause and would probably reject a deal to the Giants, even if the Giants were crazy enough to pull the trigger on that deal.
So I'm going to go ahead and say no. The Yankees do not need Ty Wigginton.
A three-way trade in which the Yanks get Nick Swisher, Matt Thornton and John Danks. The White Sox get Melky Cabrera, Hideki Matsui, Ian Kennedy and Ray Durham. The Giants get Paul Konerko, Alberto Gonzalez and Shelley Duncan.
I guess this one is a fall-back plan if 1-4 fail. Otherwise the Yanks are trading Melky, Matsui, Kennedy and Gonzalez twice. But lets break this down.
Yanks lose: Melky, Matsui, Kennedy, Gonzalez, Duncan.
Yanks get: Danks, Swisher, Thornton
2 Months ago, the Yanks wouldn't give up Kennedy and Melky for Johan Santana. Now they move them for basically, Danks and Swisher? Pshh...
White Sox lose: Swisher, Thornton, Danks, Konerko
White Sox get: Melky, Matsui, Kennedy, Durham
The White Sox gave up a ton for Swisher. They're dumping him for this garbage? And Danks? Who's 23 and has been lights out so far this year?
Giants lose: Durham
Giants get: Konerko, Gonzalez, Duncan
Do I need to say anything? Anything at all? Ray Durham for Paul Konerko. The White Sox are in first place, and they're having a fucking fire sale.
Joel Sherman, your article represents epic failure. Please punch yourself in the testicles.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Jimmy Hoffa was the Junior Griffey of Unionized Labor!
Dusty Baker gives the strangest fucking compliments in the history of the game of baseball. I thought it was odd when the guys up in Toronto were talking about what a couple of "dirtbags" David Eckstein and Scott Rolen were.
And I thought Dusty Baker had outdone himself when he talked about how Edwin Encarnacion "bleeds internally big-time."
Well, Dusty's added to his greatest hits collection of crazy with this one!
"Junior has given a lot to this game and this city," Baker said. "You go look at his body and his injury list, and he's left a lot of bones, muscles, tendons and ligaments out on that field. You dig up that field, and there's a lot of Junior bones in it."
Centerfield at the Great American Ballpark is an indian burial ground. And Junior Griffey is so broken down that body parts are literally falling off of him. I'm really not sure how either of these things amount to a compliment.
Apparently in the Dusty Baker book of baseball, things like hemorrhaging and losing limbs are signs of greatness. Here's a suggestion for Dusty's next comment along these lines:
"Man, that Mark Prior. I love him because he really tears his ulnar collateral ligament out there! And if you look out there under the rubber on that mound, you can find pieces of Kerry Wood's labrum! What a couple of ballplayers!!"
And I thought Dusty Baker had outdone himself when he talked about how Edwin Encarnacion "bleeds internally big-time."
Well, Dusty's added to his greatest hits collection of crazy with this one!
"Junior has given a lot to this game and this city," Baker said. "You go look at his body and his injury list, and he's left a lot of bones, muscles, tendons and ligaments out on that field. You dig up that field, and there's a lot of Junior bones in it."
Centerfield at the Great American Ballpark is an indian burial ground. And Junior Griffey is so broken down that body parts are literally falling off of him. I'm really not sure how either of these things amount to a compliment.
Apparently in the Dusty Baker book of baseball, things like hemorrhaging and losing limbs are signs of greatness. Here's a suggestion for Dusty's next comment along these lines:
"Man, that Mark Prior. I love him because he really tears his ulnar collateral ligament out there! And if you look out there under the rubber on that mound, you can find pieces of Kerry Wood's labrum! What a couple of ballplayers!!"
The Biggest Gimme In Sports History!!
A guy named Jeff Gordon (no, not that one) wrote an article chronicling the 10 biggest human train wrecks in sports history. What I don't understand is... why he bothered. Here's who's on the list and why...
Mike Tyson - Raping people, cannibalism, wanting to fight Kimbo.
Dennis Rodman - Cross-dressing, starring in Double Team, touching Karl Malone's no-no place.
Jose Canseco - Gee, I dunno... Jose's such an upstanding guy.
OJ Simpson - his portrayal of Detective Nordberg in the Naked Gun series.
John Daly - Trying to eat his ex-wife. Literally.
Tonya Harding - Ruining Paula Jones' plastic surgery.
Pete Rose - People seem to think that he bet on baseball.
Diego Maradona - Who?
Denny McLain - Gambling, secret desire to be The Biggest Dope Man.
Tommy Morrison - Taking cheap shots at Rocky.
So here's what I don't get. Tyson's in the spotlight for wanting to fight Kimbo. Canseco put out a new book. OJ got arrested for tryin' to get some paper... but none of these people are NEW to the list in any way? They've all been crazy for at least 10 years.
I could understand writing this list if you were going to add someone to the list or if you were building a case for someone's removal from it, but to just write a list like this, where 95% of the references are extremely dated, and have been covered and covered again, doesn't make sense to me.
So here are some people that belong on a list of sports greatest train wrecks:
Terrell Owens - Suicide attempts, guest appearances in Bang-Bros porn, staring lustily at the ass of a stripper.
Coco Crisp - Grabbing at the junk of a small Japanese man.
Chris Henry - Gun charges, sex crimes, gun charges, DUI, gun charges, providing alcohol to minors, playing for the Bengals, gun charges, drug use, gun charges, assaulting a valet, drug use, gun charges.
Jason Giambi - Porn 'stache, sharing gold-lamé tiger-striped thong with teammates.
Mike Tyson - Raping people, cannibalism, wanting to fight Kimbo.
Dennis Rodman - Cross-dressing, starring in Double Team, touching Karl Malone's no-no place.
Jose Canseco - Gee, I dunno... Jose's such an upstanding guy.
OJ Simpson - his portrayal of Detective Nordberg in the Naked Gun series.
John Daly - Trying to eat his ex-wife. Literally.
Tonya Harding - Ruining Paula Jones' plastic surgery.
Pete Rose - People seem to think that he bet on baseball.
Diego Maradona - Who?
Denny McLain - Gambling, secret desire to be The Biggest Dope Man.
Tommy Morrison - Taking cheap shots at Rocky.
So here's what I don't get. Tyson's in the spotlight for wanting to fight Kimbo. Canseco put out a new book. OJ got arrested for tryin' to get some paper... but none of these people are NEW to the list in any way? They've all been crazy for at least 10 years.
I could understand writing this list if you were going to add someone to the list or if you were building a case for someone's removal from it, but to just write a list like this, where 95% of the references are extremely dated, and have been covered and covered again, doesn't make sense to me.
So here are some people that belong on a list of sports greatest train wrecks:
Terrell Owens - Suicide attempts, guest appearances in Bang-Bros porn, staring lustily at the ass of a stripper.
Coco Crisp - Grabbing at the junk of a small Japanese man.
Chris Henry - Gun charges, sex crimes, gun charges, DUI, gun charges, providing alcohol to minors, playing for the Bengals, gun charges, drug use, gun charges, assaulting a valet, drug use, gun charges.
Jason Giambi - Porn 'stache, sharing gold-lamé tiger-striped thong with teammates.
A Change of Pace
For the first time in Sportsix's short history, I'm going to be writing about a journalist that I believe is credible, has researched his topic tediously and is very, very talented and skilled at his craft. His name is Paul Jackson and he's a Chicago-based freelance writer.
Paul just did a piece for ESPN Page 2 on 10¢ beer night in Cleveland.
Forfeits in baseball are pretty rare, and as Paul points out, there hasn't been one in almost 13 years, which works out to roughly 30,000 major league games.
Basically, the combination of cheap beer, a city on the verge of bankruptcy and fans frustrated with their teams futility damned near killed a bunch of ballplayers on June 4, 1974.
What's especially fascinating about this, is the number of really well-known guys who were involved. I had heard of this event, albeit briefly, but I had no idea that guys like Billy Martin, Jeff Burroughs (father of former Padre/Ray Sean), Hall of Famer Fergie Jenkins Mike Hargrove and others were present.
Point I'm making is that if you're a fan of the game, you ought to know about an event like this. I didn't. And most of you probably don't, so check it out.
I'll close with an interesting little tidbit: Outfielder Rusty Torres actually witnessed 3 riots in his career. He was standing on second base when all hell broke loose in Cleveland, and was also present for the Senator's final game in Washington in 1971, and the infamous Disco Demolition Night in Chicago in 1979.
Paul just did a piece for ESPN Page 2 on 10¢ beer night in Cleveland.
Forfeits in baseball are pretty rare, and as Paul points out, there hasn't been one in almost 13 years, which works out to roughly 30,000 major league games.
Basically, the combination of cheap beer, a city on the verge of bankruptcy and fans frustrated with their teams futility damned near killed a bunch of ballplayers on June 4, 1974.
What's especially fascinating about this, is the number of really well-known guys who were involved. I had heard of this event, albeit briefly, but I had no idea that guys like Billy Martin, Jeff Burroughs (father of former Padre/Ray Sean), Hall of Famer Fergie Jenkins Mike Hargrove and others were present.
Point I'm making is that if you're a fan of the game, you ought to know about an event like this. I didn't. And most of you probably don't, so check it out.
I'll close with an interesting little tidbit: Outfielder Rusty Torres actually witnessed 3 riots in his career. He was standing on second base when all hell broke loose in Cleveland, and was also present for the Senator's final game in Washington in 1971, and the infamous Disco Demolition Night in Chicago in 1979.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
This Has Got To Be Profiling...
Former Cincinnati Bengals fullback Pete Johnson is on his way to prison after having been found guilty of writing bad checks.
He becomes, I think, the one billionth current or former Bengal to wind up on the wrong side of the law. I'm pretty sure it's a billion, give or take a few.
Basically it's everybody except Boomer Esiason. Dear, sweet, beloved Boomer. The man who once laid down in front of a bus to prevent replacement players from getting into the stadium.
So yeah, I'm starting to think that somebody's trying to make the Bengals look bad... because that organization can't possibly be this fucked up, especially since Terrell Owens hasn't played for them.
You know, in recent news Bengals management actually decided against new uniform designs, electing instead to give black sharpies to all their players, so they could draw stripes on their prison jumpsuits.
He becomes, I think, the one billionth current or former Bengal to wind up on the wrong side of the law. I'm pretty sure it's a billion, give or take a few.
Basically it's everybody except Boomer Esiason. Dear, sweet, beloved Boomer. The man who once laid down in front of a bus to prevent replacement players from getting into the stadium.
So yeah, I'm starting to think that somebody's trying to make the Bengals look bad... because that organization can't possibly be this fucked up, especially since Terrell Owens hasn't played for them.
You know, in recent news Bengals management actually decided against new uniform designs, electing instead to give black sharpies to all their players, so they could draw stripes on their prison jumpsuits.
The Count is No Balls and Two Dykes
I'm sure I'm getting to this late. I blame that on all of you because nobody tipped me off about it, I had to find it on my own. And for the record, I'm totally taking advantage of every chance to link chicks kissing.
Apparently a couple of chicks were going at it during a Mariner game and it upset some people. God, where do I go with this for a cheap laugh? I'll just make a list:
1) Isn't this the most exciting thing that's happened at a Mariner game all season?
2) If I pay for plane tickets, will these girls come watch Yankees games instead?
3) Can Adrian Beltre get some love from these girls? He's got no balls, which practically makes him a lesbian.
Some people claimed that these girls were groping each other and whatnot, to which they state that they were "eating garlic fries and giving each other brief kisses."
Have you ever tried to get someone to come within 17 feet of your mouth while eating garlic fries? This is obviously true love, which brings me to my exciting conclusion.
If lesbians want to go to baseball games, more power to them.
If they want to kiss at baseball games, again, more power to them.
If they want to get completely naked at baseball games and give each other Brazilian waxes behind home plate, then I'm probably going to start watching a lot more baseball.
I know, I know. You're saying, "Well, what about me? I'm a parent!! What am I supposed to tell my kids when they see two women scissoring in the on-base circle?!" Well here's what you tell your kids.
"Don't tell your mother."
And just because I can...
Apparently a couple of chicks were going at it during a Mariner game and it upset some people. God, where do I go with this for a cheap laugh? I'll just make a list:
1) Isn't this the most exciting thing that's happened at a Mariner game all season?
2) If I pay for plane tickets, will these girls come watch Yankees games instead?
3) Can Adrian Beltre get some love from these girls? He's got no balls, which practically makes him a lesbian.
Some people claimed that these girls were groping each other and whatnot, to which they state that they were "eating garlic fries and giving each other brief kisses."
Have you ever tried to get someone to come within 17 feet of your mouth while eating garlic fries? This is obviously true love, which brings me to my exciting conclusion.
If lesbians want to go to baseball games, more power to them.
If they want to kiss at baseball games, again, more power to them.
If they want to get completely naked at baseball games and give each other Brazilian waxes behind home plate, then I'm probably going to start watching a lot more baseball.
I know, I know. You're saying, "Well, what about me? I'm a parent!! What am I supposed to tell my kids when they see two women scissoring in the on-base circle?!" Well here's what you tell your kids.
"Don't tell your mother."
And just because I can...
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