Just for shits and giggles...

Nobody's reading this any more... but lets go through that last post I made before I became a dad and totally lost interest in writing blog posts to nobody.

1) Yeah, the Jets really needed Parcells. Fuck me, I was so wrong.

2) Good thing they got rid of that fucking washed up has-been Farve, right? Not like he had an AMAZING season in Minnesota or something, right?

3) Mark Sanchez was SOME GAME MANAGER in the playoffs, huh? Boy oh boy, good thing they gave the offense to Trent Dilfer!

4) Kerry Rhodes morphed into such an Ed Reed clone... that they're pondering trading him in an uncapped year!

9) That losing culture really fucked the Jets! Fucked them all the way to the AFC title game!

So in summation, this Gary Myers article was fucking stupid when he wrote it. And a month and change after the football season ended, it's even more fucking stupid. Thanks for not reading.

A Post About Football Instead of Food!

No more Angry Whopper Jokes. Just this Whopper of a dumb article. Everybody say thank you to Gary Myers of the NY Daily News. Lets get to work on his "Ten Ways to Fix the Jets."

1. Fish for Tuna

Parcells? Why? So he can tap out their salary cap room, age their roster dramatically, quit before his contract ends and steal millions from their owner? Like he's done at every other job he's ever had? Yeah, great idea. Do that immediately.

2. Fond Farewell to Favre
3. Find a Game Manager

Ryan was on the 2000 Ravens staff that won the Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer and just went to the AFC title game with rookie Joe Flacco. He needs the Jets to run the ball, play defense and for the QB not to give it to the other team.

The 2000 Baltimore Ravens defense sucked with Trent Dilfer. They won the Super Bowl with one of the best defensive seasons in league history. This year, again, amazing defense, awful offense. It's why they lost to Pittsburgh.

So let me get this straight, you want him to make it a priority to have a bad offense!? Get a "game manager"? So on DAY FUCKING ONE... we're admitting that the Jets will NOT be a dynamic offensive football team. They're going to play field position, and rely completely on their defense to win games. That's your idea?

I've got a better idea. How about if the team builds a strong defense, but also tries to build a dynamic offense at the same time. That's seemed to work for teams in the past. The Jets need a playmaking wide receiver. You can't entirely blame Brett Farve for the season he had. He's got NOBODY to throw the ball to.

Here are the Jets top two receivers:

Laveranues Coles - 70 catches, 850 yards.
Jerricho Cotchery - 71 catches, 858 yards.

A couple of guys who average 4 catches and around 50 yards a game. Why? Because they don't get open and get in position to make plays. Give Favre a Terrell Owens or a Larry Fitzgerald and watch how fast he looks like a 29-year old quarterback again.

4. Reed All About It
Kerry Rhodes has Pro Bowl ability, but Mangini never put him in spots where he could be a playmaker. Ryan has told friends he wants to turn Rhodes into "No. 20," which means Ravens All-Pro safety Ed Reed.

Kerry Rhodes is a top-10 strong safety in the NFL. Ed Reed, however, is hands-down, the best strong safety in the NFL. The only way you're turning Kerry Rhodes into Ed Reed... is if you include a first-round draft pick and beg the Ravens to trade one for the other.

9. Personality Transplant
The Jets were fighting their own history as much as the other team as they started to lose their grip on the playoffs. Ryan must change the Same Old Jets culture.

Yeah, that Jets Losing Culture was absolutely fucking killing them after they beat the then-undefeated Titans, and were sitting at 8-3. If beating an undefeated team to get to 8-3 during the season doesn't break your "losing culture" then maybe you ought to just fucking quit. The team didn't fall apart because of the culture. They fell apart because their coach was a fucking idiot, their quarterback was throwing with a torn bicep, their wideouts were a joke and their running game was overrated.

So to summarize, we're going to make the Jets great by giving Bill Parcells some more money, signing a shitty quarterback to not put points on the board, telling the strong safety to get cornrows and change his number, and calling in a voodoo shaman to quash the bad ju-ju.

Sounds like a great plan Gary Myers.

Beating a Dead Burger

Yup, I'm gonna make fun of the Angry Whopper some more, because it amuses me. And I think it amuses you too. I've actually been working on a new ad campaign for the Angry Whopper, something to really get your attention when they show those stupid commercials 7,000 times during the Cards-Eagles game this weekend. So here's my list of things the Angry Whopper can promise to people who choose to eat it:

The Angry Whopper is going to take a dump in your left sneaker.
It's going to deflower your daughter and never call her.
If you're married, your spouse will consent to anal intercourse with the Angry Whopper. Even if they're not gay, and/or totally don't like it up the butt.
If you're single, the Angry Whopper just banged the girl of your dreams.
The Angry Whopper is so manly, it's going to make you crap out a fucking Panda bear, and then you're going to choke that fucking Panda bear to death even though it's an endangered species because the Angry Whopper has stolen your ability to give a fuck!
If you're Barack Obama, you won't get any change with your Angry Whopper.
If you're George W. Bush, the Angry Whopper is going to call a bunch of it's Angry Whopper friends and invite them over to circle jerk all over your last brain cell.
If you're a fucking Panda bear, you shouldn't even be reading this shit, so go fuck yourself Panda bear. Oh yeah, the Angry Whopper just ran over your fucking Panda children in it's Escalade.
Yes, a hamburger drives a fucking Escalade. And it doesn't care about gas mileage.
The Angry Whopper roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris to death.
If the Angry Whopper does not cause you to shit blood, you can punch this guy without having legal action taken against you.
The Angry Whopper doesn't consider sex kinky enough until it's violated your dog.
Despite what you may believe, the Angry Whopper is directly responsible for the assassinations of Presidents Lincoln & Kennedy, John Lennon, Dimebag Darrell, Selena, Harvey Milk, Malcolm X, Jesse James, William McKinley, and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (Happy MLK Day Everybody!)

Slightly Annoyed Whopper?

So yeah, I got all excited about this Angry Whopper thing that Burger King's pushing on TV. I love me some spicy food, and the commercial is all like,

"THIS BURGER IS GOING TO FUCK YOUR MOTHER WITH PISSED OFF SPICY ONIONY GOODNESS!"

I ate the burger. It was pretty good. Not spicy enough to live up to the claims. And frankly, a burger with jalapenos, hot sauce, spiced onions and pepper jack cheese shouldn't have a problem being spicy enough. Just figured I'd let you guys know about this.

It's part of my 2009 goal to make this blog into a one-stop shop for all things useless. Well, I wouldn't call it a goal. I think I'm already succeeding on that one without trying.

A Giant Playoff Collapse?

Gotta glance over this topic for a few lines. Hopefully this won't draw out into a long-winded post.

The media coverage today is centered on whether the New York Giants would have fared better with Plaxico Burress in the game against the Eagles on Sunday.

The answer is, very obviously, yes, they would have, simply because he commands double-coverage from the defense whenever he's on the field. Do the Giants win that game with him? Maybe, I guess... but probably not.

The burden of this loss should fall squarely on the Head Coach and the Offensive Coordinator as far as I'm concerned. And how do I intend to prove this? With a couple of simple stats, and a bit of common knowledge.

The word is that the wind conditions were rough at the Meadowlands on Sunday, and Eli Manning ALWAYS struggles in the wind. That's probably why the Giants were so good away from East Rutherford last season. And it's also probably why the best quarterback in Giants history, Phil Simms, only completed 55% of his passes for his career. The wind in North Jersey is a bitch. There's no denying that. And having a 6'5" receiver with the wingspan of a pterodactyl has to help a little.

But here's the bigger question... with the wind gusting, and Burress not out there drawing doubles, why did the Giants keep throwing the ball?

Brandon Jacobs ran the ball 19 times for 92 yards. He averaged 4.8 yards per carry. Derek Ward chewed up 46 yards on 12 carries for a 3.8 average. They were able to move the ball on the ground, especially with Jacobs.

Once you see Eli struggle in the first quarter, why doesn't the coach put the ball in Brandon Jacobs hands on every play? The Giants offensive line obviously loves to run-block, and they're great at it. And Jacobs goes 6'4" and over 260 lbs.

You let that guy slam himself into the defense... over... and over... and over again until the Philadelphia Eagles feel violated the way Ashley Dupre must have felt shortly before cashing one of Eliot Spitzer's checks.

You force the Philadelphia Eagles to stick 8 or 9 guys in the box to stop the run. And once they commit to that, you send in some play actions passes, and even Tom Coughlin could have suited up at wide receiver and snuck down the sideline for long completions.

Instead, the Giants ran 30 passing plays against 31 runs, maintaining a perfect offensive balance between the effective rushing game... and the completely ineffective passing game.

They did nothing to force the Eagles to adjust to them, instead allowing them to control the game, and ultimately the final score really doesn't show how one-sided things really were.

So yeah, now I guess the only thing to do is pull for the Arizona Cardinals. Why? Because Philadelphia just had the Phillies win something. Pittsburgh got one a couple of years ago. And I'd just feel like a schmuck cheering on the Cleveland Browns to win a Super Bowl for Baltimore. Plus it's Baltimore. I dunno. I don't like Baltimore. I've been there, it seems like a nice enough place. But I don't like it. So yeah, no Super Bowl for Baltimore.

Anyway, if teams that I like can't win a championship, I guess I'd rather see the wealth get spread around a bit. If the Cardinals actually have fans, they probably deserve a parade.

And for the record, if anybody can, in fact, confirm the existance of Arizona Cardinal fans, I'd love to hear about it.

The Hall of Home-Field Advantage!!!

I probably don't need to tell you all that I'm upset that Jim Rice is getting into the Hall of Fame. You probably already know that. The fact that he's ever been considered a serious candidate makes me laugh, then bang my head against my keyboard, then laugh some more.

Having seen that he got 76.4% of the ballot today, I threw up a little bit in my mouth. So thanks for that. But why do I hate Rice so much? Do I remember his pricky attitude? Nope. Am I bias against Boston players? Not particularly. I hate them, but that's never stopped me from being objective about their value. Kevin Youkilis was awesome this year and should have won the MVP, and Dustin Pedroia is the new Derek Jeter. See?

So what's my problem with Rice, then? Simple. Look at these stats.

At Fenway: .320/.374/.546 (OPS+ 116, ), 208 HR, 207 2B
Everywhere else: .277/.330/.459 (OPS+ 85), 174 HR, 166 2B.

The man's batting average falls by 43 points away from Fenway, which reflects almost exactly in his OBP, then comes the bombshell. Almost a 100 point drop-off in slugging percentage.

At Fenway, Jim Rice was a beast. In every other ballpark in baseball, he was David fucking Dellucci!!!

On top of that, he ranks 6th in GIDPs, which is the highest he ranks in ANY OFFENSIVE STATISTIC for his career.

For his career, as an outfielder/DH, he finished up with 382 homers and 373 doubles, and a career OPS+ of 128 (which is skewered, because as you saw, his Fenway OPS+ as it relates to how well EVERYBODY hits there, is only 116).

Compare that to say... Andre Dawson, who hit 438 homers and 503 doubles, but gets held out because of his .279/.323/.482, and the fact that he played foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Point is, Dawson is borderline. Rice is borderline. You can't let borderline guys like this into the hall... because they're the criteria that we judge other players by.

If a guy has considerably better numbers than Rice, he probably deserves to go in. Now... Rice is in... so technically speaking, a guy with the same exact numbers, in an offensive haven should get in. Dawson should go. Hell, while we're at it, why don't we let Don Mattingly in there!!!

Sure, he really only had 6 good years, and finished with only 222 homers, but come onnnnn!! He's Donnie Baseball!! And he actually hit like 70 more doubles than Jim Rice, and bounced into like 500 less double plays!! And his OPS+ of 127 is only a point worse than Rice's 128! Cut the guy some slack! He declined sharply and retired at 34!!

Just to clarify, I'm not seriously suggesting that Don Mattingly be allowed into the Hall of Fame without a ticket. I'm just explaining the damage that bullshit like this does. This is the kind of typical, obvious Boston-bias that's turning people against the game of baseball. It's ESPN-driven hype at it's finest. And if not, then it's proof that the election system is seriously flawed and some real criteria needs to be added by which players are judged.

Because most of these voters are plainly retarded.

Case in point. The guy who doesn't think Rickey Henderson is a Hall of Famer.

In case it needs stating, here's Henderson's Hall resume:

.279/.401/.419 (OPS+ 127), 297 HR, 510 2B, 3055 H, 1406 SB, 1406 RBI and 2190 BB

Jesus fucking Christ... even Rickey's close to Rice's home run total.

So Sue Me!?

This is the kind of story that makes me think that women and sports just don't go together quite as well as we'd all hoped they would.

Yup, Kaitlin Dauner is suing her school, Indian Hills, for an injury she sustained while playing for their girls basketball team.

The team played an informal scrimmage against the boys, and poor Kaitlin suffered a separated shoulder when the game became "excessively physical." She blames this on the school's failure to provide "adequate supervision, referees or athletic trainers" for the scrimmage.

So what she's saying is that every time you get banged up playing a little bit of street ball, you should file a suit against your buddies for pain and suffering. Because that's what this amounts to.

When you think about it, you've got women competing in mixed martial arts, college and professional basketball, softball, football, hockey, boxing and just about anything else that men are willing to strap on a helmet or a jockstrap to play.

And while the obvious knock against women's sports is the lack of skill and athleticism featured by men (largely due to the fact that, at least in our era, women don't get the same level of training, and most times, don't start playing as young as the guys), the toughness of the female athlete has never been called into question quite this way before.

The irony is, that quite often, women have proven able to show the sort of sportsmanship (sportswomanship?) and reason that's often missing in the men's game. Like in this story, where Sara Tucholsky homered, then tore ligaments in her knee... and was carried around the bases by her opponents, Mallory Holtzman and Liz Wallace.

Could you ever, in a million years, imagine Roger Clemens coming off the mound, and with the help of Derek Jeter... carrying David Eckstein around the bases after a home run? And now that you've tried to imagine it, isn't it sorta funny? I'm getting off the topic.

Think about the story above. What if Sara Tucholsky would have sued, blaming the injury on the "excessively physical" nature of the sport she chose to play?

My guess is that nobody put a gun to Kaitlin Dauner's head and made her play against the boys. She chose to, because as any female athlete will probably tell you, women LOVE getting a chance to show that they can hold their own against the guys.

In closing, Kaitlin, you should drop the suit... and try to show that you're at least TRYING to be as tough as these girls. They don't look very tough there. How about here? Still not tough enough. What about now? Or this one? Yeah,. that's more like it.

Can you tell that I'm enjoying having a reason to link pictures to the Lingerie Bowl? I won't apologize for that. It's why you all love me.

The Proudest Moment of the Bush Administration

Right here. Yes, I realize this happened days ago. I find it hysterical and amazing all at once.



Look at the deft skill with which Bush dodged that first shoe. I haven't seen moves like that since Neo started to believe towards the end of the first Matrix movie. All this video needs is Rip Torn, in the wheelchair screaming, "If you can dodge an Iraqi Journalist's left shoe.... you can dodge a ball!"

Seriously though... G. Dubz looks like he's been practicing that move. You need to be quick like that when you expect to be dodging bullets.

Baseballs Off-Season: What We Know So Far and What it Means

1) Ryan Dumpster went back to the Cubs. Which probably means very little, because he's not going to win 17 games with an ERA+ of 151 again next year. I'm still stunned that he did it once.

2) C.C. Sabathia is being chased by everybody. The Yankees, Brewers, Angels, Giants, maybe the Red Sox and Mets. Which still means that he's probably going to end up a Yankee. From what I understand, the Yankees philosophy regarding Sabathia is that 6 years, $140 Million was their starting point. If Sabathia wants more, all he's got to do is ask for it.

It's very hard to imagine Sabathia, in this day and age, choosing to take $30-$40 Million dollars less to play in San Francisco. In fact, it's very hard to imagine anybody, in the history of ever, anywhere, actually WANTING to take $30 to $40 Million dollars less than they're being offered to do something, because that's a ton of money. That's Dustin Pedroia's entire new contract. Think about your salary. Then think about taking a 30 or 40% paycut... and tell me what you think of that. So yeah. He'll be a Yankee.

3) Dustin Pedroia got a new contract. Which, again, means very little. It means that he can stuff his boots with hundred dollar bills, and prop himself up a little bit. Like Tom Cruise does. And when he's done, maybe he'll stand a full five feet tall. I still think his Rookie of the Year and MVP awards are incredible fucking travesties. But whatever. He'll be in Boston for a long time.

4) People really think Derek Lowe's a good pitcher. How did this happen? Seriously? How? Did Derek Lowe hijack a fucking satellite-mounted laser beam and threaten to vaporize every kitten in America if anybody talks about the fact, that he's a slightly above average pitcher in a terrible division, and is on the wrong side of 35 years of age? What is causing people to have a Titsworth over Derek Lowe?

5) The Yankees didn't offer arbitration to Bobby Abreu or Andy Pettitte. Everybody is claiming that this is because of the poor economy and financial crunch. They're saying that the Yankees don't want to pay $16 Million each for these guys in arbitration. These people are about 33% correct.

The Yankees don't want Bobby Abreu or Andy Pettitte on their team next year. At all. Abreu's looking for 3 years, $45 Million on the free agent market. He's not going to get it. I doubt anybody's going to go beyond 2 years, with a club option 3rd for Abreu. And I'd guess the annual value will top out around $12 Million. So if your best offer is 2 years, $24 Million, what do you do? You take arbitration from the Yankees and make $16 Million for one more year. And then the Yankees are stuck with Abreu, in addition to Nady, Matsui, Damon and Swisher. There's no room for Brett Gardner or Melky Cabrera. Or Manny Ramirez. Or Adam Dunn.

And as for Pettitte, is he really worth $16 Million? He'd take arbitration in a heartbeat if it was offered. Would you rather spend that money on Andy Pettitte, or Ben Sheets? How about A.J. Burnett? Mark Teixeira? Manny Ramirez? Adam Dunn? Or Andy Pettitte? They don't want him back. They offered him a 1 year, $10 Million, take-it-or-leave-it contract. Does that sound like somebody the Yankees want?

5) Adam Dunn wasn't offered arbitration by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Which was a pretty stupid decision. Why? 40 homers and 100+ RBI every year. That's why. Despite the low batting average, Dunn gets on base and hits for a ton of power. The Yankees would love to grab him, but might have jumped at Nick Swisher a little too fast. Boston also might take a hard look, especially since they don't have to surrender draft picks. The Mets would be completely retarded not to try and sign this guy. The bottom line is... somebody is going to sign him. For a bunch of years, and a bunch of dollars. The D'Backs should have gotten some draft picks for it.

And on a completely unrelated note... why didn't anybody tell me about Tim Tebow's girlfriend? She gets a tag. In fact, she gets two tags. One for her. And one for her giant breasts. Actually, two for her giant breasts... because without them, she wouldn't be getting a tag. I'm just repeating the phrase "giant breasts" so I have an excuse to link more pictures. You're welcome.

Mike Mussina? Hall of Fame?

John Harper of the NY Daily News says no. Because of stats? Because he missed 300 wins? Nope! Because Mussina didn't have enough "moments." Whatever that means.

His overall numbers stack up well against some notable Hall of Famers, including Ferguson Jenkins, Juan Marichal, Catfish Hunter and even Bob Gibson. Actually, he has a better winning percentage (.638) than any of them, and indeed at 270-153, he would have the best percentage of any player not in the Hall.

Here's the case for Mussina. 537 starts. 270 wins, with only 153 losses. Baseballreference.com lists his "162-Game Averages" as 34 starts, 17-9, 226 innings pitched, 49 BB against 178 strikeouts, a 3.68 ERA (ERA+ 123), and a 1.192 WHIP. Over 18 years as a professional pitcher, those are very, very good numbers. And 270 wins, for a guy who never made more than 36 starts in a season, is a very impressive number.

Fergie Jenkins made 57 more starts (594) and won 14 more games (284). He also lost 71 more games, most likely because of less use and specialization in the bullpens when he pitched. He threw 267 complete games in his career. Moose threw only 57, however, that's not really Mussina's fault. The game is different.

Jenkins also didn't spend the better portion of his career pitching to guys who were injecting fucking horse steroids into their asses. And to boot, Jenkins' career ERA+? 115. Which means, Mussina, over his career, has been better in comparison to his peers, than Jenkins was to his.

Marichal won only 243 games, and his 123 ERA+ is the same as Mussina's. Yeah, he went 26-9 in 1968. He also went 6-16 in 1972. Maybe it had something to do with throwing 3 300+ inning seasons.

Catfish Hunter finished 224-166 with a 104 ERA+. Looking at his numbers right now is making me wonder who he blew to get into the Hall of Fame. Suffice to say, I'm not impressed.

And Bob Gibson, to me, is one of the 5 best pitchers in baseball history. Mussina doesn't even get to be in the room for that conversation, so I'm not going to compare him to Gibson.

So why isn't Mussina a Hall guy, John Harper?

You look at Mussina's career and it's hard to find the wow factor that usually defines the very best players of an era.

Wow factor? Hang on, let me check Baseball Prospectus. They usually have stats for those crazy acronyms. WOW? Is that a new acronym? What does it stand for?

Wait a second... there's no such stat as "WOW." What are you talking about John Harper? Oh. Fuck.

You're saying that he can't be a Hall of Famer, because, despite having statistical credibility and value over an 18 year career, he never impressed you enough? He never trotted out of the dugout in a cut up leather jacket with a crazy haircut, with WILD THING playing on the PA system? He never threw 14 shutout innings in game 7 of the World Series? He never appeared in a porno with guys named Lexington Steele and Mandingo and slapped around a 19 year old blonde with his "freakishly large certain part of the male anatomy?"

This is your hall of fame criteria?

He didn't win a Cy Young Award, finished second once, and had a few other fourths and fifths.

Because Cliff Lee won 24 games this year? And Roy Halladay threw 700 innings? I'm not sure, but I think it was 700.

And in 1999, he finished second behind Pedro Martinez, who had an ERA+ of 243!!

Point is... his lack of a Cy Young isn't because he was never a great pitcher. It's just that he was never the greatest pitcher in a league with Randy Johnson, Roger Clemens and Pedro Martinez gobbling up most of them.

And what the fuck were the voters thinking in 1992? They gave the Cy Young to Dennis Eckersley? For throwing 80 innings? Followed by Blackjack McDowell and Roger Clemens... then followed by Mussina, who went 18-5 that year, with a 2.54 ERA? The case for Clemens that year was strong too... but McDowell and Eck had no business being considered... and they got most of the votes.

He didn't win a championship, and though Mussina pitched well in some big postseason games, he never had a brilliant postseason that demanded attention in the manner of John Smoltz, Jack Morris, Curt Schilling, or even Josh Beckett or Cole Hamels.

He didn't win a championship. By himself. Nope, he went 7-8 in the post-season... with a 3.42 ERA and he struck out 145 in 139 innings.

In 1997, with Baltimore, he was 2-0 with a 1.93 ERA in the Divisional Round, carrying Baltimore over Seattle. Then, in 2 starts against Cleveland, he allowed 1 run and 4 hits, in 15 innings. Not brilliant? Or maybe you just don't remember that...

Never mind Gibson, who won 251 games in his career, or 19 fewer than Mussina, but had two Cy Youngs, one MVP, and won World Series for the Cardinals in 1964 and '67 practically singlehandedly.

So you're saying that a pitcher has to be as good as Bob Gibson to make it into the Hall of Fame? Then we ought to throw about just about every pitcher who's already there... and forget about adding new guys. Maybe Pedro. Koufax. A handful of others at best. This is a moronic argument. Bob Gibson was the Shaquille O'Neal of baseball back then.

He was so nasty, that they lowered the mound height so batters wouldn't shit down their legs when he threw his slider. Gibson was a fucking buzzsaw.

In addition, while winning 20 games this season at 39 was quite a feat, Mussina never had one or more of those incandescent seasons that stamp pitchers as bound for Cooperstown.

Umm... 18-5 with a 2.54 ERA in 1992. 16-5 with a 3.05 ERA in 24 starts in 1994 (apparently, the strike was his fault too.) 19-9 with a 3.29 ERA in 1995. 15-8 with a 3.20 ERA in 1997 (with minimal run support at best.) 17-11 in his first year in New York, in 2001... and if you remember, despite playing for the Yankees, he received about the worst run support in baseball that year.

However, Marichal set himself apart as a superstar with an eight-year run in which he posted seasons of 18-11, 25-8, 21-8, 22-13, 25-6, 14-10, 26-9, and 21-11. That pretty much defines dominance.

His starts in those years? 36, 40, 33, 37, 36, 26, 38, 37.

Give Mussina an extra 4 or 5 starts in 1992, 1995, 1996, 1999 and 2002... and he probably gives you 5 20 win seasons.

You can make the case that Mussina was more consistent over his 18 years than Tom Glavine, but Glavine has two Cy Young awards, five 20-win seasons and a world championship, in addition to 305 wins, all of which make him practically automatic.

You can make the case that Glavine made 145 more starts than Mike Mussina, and won only 35 more games. And that if Mussina hung around and pitched until his 50th birthday like Glavine, he'd probably have 330 wins or so. And that it was probably a little easier for Glavine, since he spent his career following Greg Maddux and John Smoltz in the rotation. He was a glorified fucking 3 starter who walked 1500 guys in his career. And avoided the American League like the clap.

For me the argument for Mussina in the Hall falls just short, subject to review in five years as we gain more and more perspective on the steroids era. If only he'd had a few more moments that were as remarkable as his decision to retire as a 20-game winner.

A few more moments? You mean like the time in 2001 when he came within 1 strike of a perfect game... in Boston... before Carl Everett broke it up? And the only reason they sent Everett to the plate... was because he crowded the plate, and they hoped Mussina would HIT HIM WITH THE BALL?

Or in 1995, when Mussina was on the mound and got the win in Cal Ripkin's 2,131st consecutive game played?

Or out of the bullpen in the 2003 ALCS to shut down the Red Sox?

Or in 2006, when he became the first pitcher in AL History to win 10 or more games in 15 consecutive seasons?

How about in 1998 when he retired 23 straight, before Frank Catalanotto's double in the 8th?

1997 again Cleveland, when he was perfect for 25 outs before Sandy Alomar, Jr. got to him for a single?

How about the 7 gold gloves? You like awards. They mean shit to me... but you like them.

This guy belongs in the hall. John Harper, you belong in a different hall for this terrible article.

Dustin Pedroia is Officially the New Derek Jeter!

Vastly overrated singles hitter, who, despite not being the best player on his own team, receives consideration for numerous awards and is constantly felitated by members of the media.

Who am I talking about? Which one of them? Pedroia or Jeter? You can't tell, can you.

Jeter, in any given season, was far behind Alex Rodriguez, Tino Martinez, Bernie Williams, Paul O'Neill, Mariano Rivera and numerous other Yankees in terms of value. And yet, when they're winning, he's the reason according to every major media article that's written. His grit, calm eyes and hustle are always the key components. Oh, and intangibles.

Pedroia wins an MVP with a sub-.900 OPS, 17 homers and 85 RBI. Given the way the season unfolded, a case could easily be made that Kevin Youkilis, Daisuke Matsuzaka and Jon Lester were more valuable to the Red Sox... and that's without even mentioning Papelbon.

Youkilis hit 29 homers and drove in 115. He batted .312, had a much higher OPS and hit .374 with runners in scoring position. Pedroia with RSIP? .307 with 5 homers in 200 plate appearances.

David Ortiz played a little over half a season and had more homers and RBI, in what was, by far, his worst season in Boston. Hell, Jason Bay hit 9 homers in a little over a month and a half in Boston.

And Lester won 16 with a 3.21 ERA and threw 210 innings. Honestly, without him, this years incarnation of the Red Sox would have been sitting firmly in 3rd place as the Yankees took the Wild Card.

And Matsuzaka went 18-3 with a 2.90 ERA in 29 starts. Sure, he only threw 170 innings, but he was freakishly good despite missing some time.

Yeah, it was a weak crop this year. Josh Hamilton's season totals look good... I mean .302 with 32 homers and 130 RBI... but he fell apart after the all-star break. Quentin got hurt, which pretty much derailed his chances.

But Jesus Christ... Joe Mauer was more deserving here. The guy hit .328/.413/.451, walked 30 times more than Pedroia, played great defense, drove in the same number of runs... and he's a CATCHER!

Tampa gets 27 homers and 85 RBI from Evan Longoria in 122 games! He transforms them from a middle-of-the-pack team to the AL East Champs... and he doesn't get some consideration? What better demonstration of value is there than seeing how average the team was without him... and how far they went with him?

Justin Morneau jacks 23 and drives in 129 with a .300/.374/.499 line and 47 doubles.

A-Rod misses a month and still hits 35 homers and has 100+ RBI.

Just for the record... when you can name 10 guys who probably deserved an award more than the guy who got it... the guy who got it probably didn't deserve it.

FJM is Calling It Quits...

So yeah, I just caught a look at this. I'm really sad to learn that FJM is going the way of Andruw Jones' bat, but it's the harsh reality that we have to deal with.

I've only said it about a thousand times already, but FireJoeMorgan was what inspired me to start writing this blog, and I'll do my best to continue posting infuriating and humorous takes on sports, and lambasting bad sports commentary as best as I can.

So thanks, FJM Crew, for the entertainment, inspiration and information. And for linking to one of my posts. That was my high moment as a blogger.

Because Boxing is Just Too Hostile These Days...

I mean, it's all about punching and bleeding and guts and stuff. That is, until Trenton Titsworth gets into the ring.

Yup, that's his real, actual name. And this is why he shall forever be immortalized in sports.



Yup, you just saw him nibbling amorously at his opponents neck... only moments before getting knocked the fuck out. From this day forth, I shall refer to any such loving acts in the world of sports as Titsworths. Or is it Titsworthes? How do you pluralize the name Titsworth?

Correct Me If I'm Wrong Here...

What do you guys see here? Obviously, I'm bias because I'm an admitted Celtics-hater, but aren't there rules in the game of basketball? And aren't some of those rules about taunting opposing players?

I'm told there are two ways of looking at this in this article, by J.E. Skeets.

1) It was disgusting. KG should have been nailed with a taunting tech immediately, maybe even tossed. Sure, he's playing mind games and getting into his opponent's head, but the officials have to draw the line somewhere — he went way over it. Classless move by the Big Ticket.

Yeah, that sounds about right to me. The broadcast guys in the clip seem to agree with this argument too. I'm of the mind that Garnett should have been T'd up for this, immediately. And if it continued beyond the technical, he should have been tossed. Classless, indeed. Although, surprisingly, that's nothing new for Garnett.

2) It was awesome. We're what, six or seven games into the season, and here are two Eastern "All-Stars" jawing at each other like it's Game 7 of the NBA Finals. KG tried to rattle young Jose, but the Spaniard refused to back down. Loved the intensity. You can sense the mutual respect between the two.

Awesome? That the officiating crew chose to selectively ignore the rules of the game of basketball to allow this to continue throughout the game? And yeah, J.E. Skeets, I can sense Garnett's respect for Calderon as he's sticking his finger in the guy's face. Whenever I really respect a guy, I clap my hands at him, and jut my finger towards his face all while talking as much smack as possible. That's actually why I'm mocking you right now, J.E. Skeets... because I respect you. I'm sure you can sense it.

I got so fired up watching these two competitors go at that I started slapping the floor like I was Garnett himself.

So that's what professional sports has come to then? We don't care about the quality of play or the closeness of the score of a game. We're not interested in feats of athleticism or brilliant execution? We get fired up over a guy talking shit and wagging his finger?

Then why isn't Terrell Owens the most beloved athlete in professional sports? How about long-time former Boston athlete, Manny Ramirez? Does he fire you up when he stands at the plate admiring his home runs? I mean, I'm sure that really pisses off the pitcher.

As a friend of mine put it, the NBA needs this type of emotion.

Let me put this as gently as I possibly can. Your friend is a fucking imbecile. The NBA needs the opposite of "this type of emotion." This type of thing is what's turning fans off to the NBA game. If this is what the game is so desperately lacking, then explain to me, why the "And 1 Mix Tape Tour" isn't the highest-rated program on TV?

What the NBA needs, is guys who play the game hard, play the game right, and don't embarrass themselves and their teams by taunting a 5'11" Spaniard for the entire third quarter.

Here's the bigger question. Why wasn't Garnett slapped with a tech for this? Or tossed?

Could it be, because he's Kevin Garnett? If this was Rasheed Wallace, do you think we'd be having this discussion? Of course not. He'd have gotten tossed immediately. I admit, that's sort of cherry-picking, because I named one of the most misbehaved athletes in the game, so lets try some other names. In fact, lets name some Celtics players.

Do you think Leon Powe, Sam Cassell, Tony Allen, Glen Davis, J.R. Giddens, Eddie House, Patrick O'Bryant, Kendrick Perkins, Gabe Pruitt, Rajon Rondo, Brian Scalabrine or Bill Walker would have gotten away with this?

Yes, that's everybody on the Celtics not named Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce or Ray Allen. So basically, isn't it almost a guaranteed fact, that the reason Garnett got a free pass for this... is because he's a star player? And the league notoriously looks the other way when star players break the rules?

This isn't about emotion or gamesmanship or getting the fans involved. It's about a very plain, very visible violation of the rules of the game. And it's about the leagues willingness to look the other way when the guy doing it is one of their "marketable star players."

Am I wrong? Drop me some comments/mail and let me know. Pornstar Names tag added, because how else can you explain "J.E. Skeets"

Political Musings? Yes We Can!

Here's the thing. I did my best not to hurl my political views at you guys during the election season. And there were a few reasons for this.

1) It's not really what I'm here for. I'm here to try to make you laugh by likening the NL West to a bunch of guys swinging Screech Dildos, not to attempt to influence your voting habits.
2) I wasn't exactly thrilled with the choices in this election, again.
3) I'm not exactly a credible, authoritative source on the topic of politics.

Now that the election is over though, I'll fill you guys in on something. My guy lost. Yup, I was a McCain supporter. I won't get into why, as again, that's not what I'm here for. So, why the big lead-in? And why the sudden decision to touch politics?

Sarah is forcing my hand. She's shooting off her mouth about, who else, BLOGGERS!!!! So, how will the failed vice presidential hopeful go about bashing the haphazard interactive gangbang known as the blogosphere? What carefully crafted digs will she take at it? How will this "educated, intelligent woman" go about making her point? Keep in mind, she just ran, unsuccessfully, for the second highest office in the nation.

A few days after she called McCain campaign staffers "cowards" for criticizing her anonymously, Palin dismissed some of her critics on the other side as "bloggers in their parents' basement just talking garbage."

Booyah!! In their parents' basement just talking garbage!!! GOTCHA FUCKERS!!!! Jesus Hfucking Christ!!! Such innovation, such craft!! It's as though she's able to see right through us all!!! I give up. I can no longer blog. Blogging is dead. Upon it's headstone, the words...

In Their Parents' Basement Just Talking Garbage. - Sarah Palin

You know, while I was sitting in my mom's basement, just talking garbage on the internet the other day, I learned something new. Wanna know what it is?

Africa is actually a continent!! It's not just a group of states all mushed together to the south of Europe!! It's a continent!! LIKE AUSTRALIA!!! Did you know that Sarah Palin? What? You didn't? Well, I guess that's okay... I mean, those crazy scientists are changing their minds about what makes something a continent all the time, right?

Wait, what? They're not? Africa's been a continent FOREVER?! And everybody learns about the 7 continents in grade school? Well, shucks Sarah! I guess you should have known that then, huh?

Know what else I learned on Al Gore's Internets (TM) the other day? That the Vice President, doesn't, in fact "run the Senate" and can't "really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes." You told me that the Vice President does those things.

But everybody else says that the Vice President can really only cast the tie-breaking vote for the Senate. And since the Senate never "ties," that's basically one of the most scarcely used powers in American Government.

So wait a second. You were running for Vice President... and you didn't even know what the Vice President is Constitutionally allowed and/or required to do?

That reminds me of the time that I applied for a job as the Head Nurse at a hospital... because I thought that my job would be to get head from all the nurses! They actually called me in for an interview, and wouldn't you believe it? They started asking me all these lame medical questions and told me that I'd probably have to give sponge baths to old men. Can you believe that shit?!

I was all like, look dude, I'm just here to get blown by chicks in nurse costumes while swigging from my trusty flask of gin. You know, because nothing is more sophisticated than a flask of gin. Except for a top hat. But whatever. They called security. And it went on my permanent record.

But back to the topic at hand. Sarah Palin. Hating bloggers.

Here's the really funny thing Sarah. This is a relatively small blog. It's only been written for a little over 3 months. And in those three months, this relatively small, obscure sports-themed blog has received 54,000 views. So using some simple mathematics, we can deduce, that over a full year, at a consistent rate of viewership, this small, obscure blog will receive 216,000 views.

The high point of your political career came in 2006, when you beat Tony Knowles to win your job as the Governor of Alaska. And in that election, you received a grand total of 114,697 votes.

Again, using simple mathematics, we can learn that my small, obscure, irrelevant blog, which is written from my parents' basement... will receive 101,303 more views in a year... than you received votes to be governor. Let me break it down further, just in case you're missing my point.

My readership is bigger than the electorate of your entire fucking state, you beauty pageant bimbo. And nobody had to buy me a $150,000 wardrobe.

Moreso, you are the single greatest reason that John McCain lost this fucking election. You are a complete imbecile who lacks the most basic understanding of grade school curriculum, no less American Government.

And you seriously believe that the Republican Party is going to let you run on your own ticket in 2012? Who do you think you are? Hillary Clinton? Why don't you try spending a little more time raising your skanky trailer trash family, and a little less time swilling brewskis with Joe Sixpack and pretending to posses a fully functioning brain. You're not fooling anybody.

Your candidacy in this election was a scam. It was an attempt to lure women and disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters over to the Republican ticket. And it might even have worked, if you could have just kept your stupid fucking mouth shut and looked pretty.

Instead, you talked... and talked... and talked... and looked mavericky... and talked... and got made fun of by Tina Fey... and talked... and talked... and looked mavericky... and talked... and exposed your completely empty cranium on the world stage. You're Dan Quayle with tits.

Things Sarah Palin Can Look Forward To:

1) Being Governor of Alaska.
2) The Cover of Playboy.
3) Being a great Grandmother by age 50 when her trailer trash daughter's trailer trash daughter gets knocked up at age 12.

Things Sarah Palin Should Not Hold Her Breath Waiting for:

1) The Start of her Campaign for President of the United States of America.

I'm Mister Six, and I approve this message.

Hot Topic: Things the New York Yankees Should Not Do This Off-Season...

The New York Daily News' sports cover today involved the New York Yankees and two pitchers: Jake Peavy and Carl Pavano.

The early word is that Brian Cashman is interested in cutting a deal to bring Pavano back around for another couple of years. That seemed like a really stupid idea, until I realized the following:

a) Pavano would probably only be re-signed to a bargain basement type of deal.
b) There's no way Cashman's dumb enough to actually rely on the guy. He'd sit on his ass in AAA and wait for a call as a spot starter.

So I guess, why the hell not, right? Sure, bring Carl back for another year!! But that got me thinking... what kind of things should the Yankees avoid doing at all costs? So I'm going to make a list.

1) Do not sign A.J. Burnett.

He's going to opt out. He's going to be looking for $16-18 Million per, for about 4 or 5 years. And in his 10 year career, he's made 30+ starts a grand total of twice. People are turned on by Burnett's 18 wins in 2008... but those people seem to be overlooking a couple of key numbers. Burnett's 105 ERA+ indicates that he was really only slightly better than league average... and his 1.342 WHIP is downright scary. To put this lightly, 18 wins from Burnett last year was fluky and will not be repeated any time soon. Just to be clear, we all realize that Burnett walked 86 guys last year, right? That's Oliver Perez/Barry Zito-type wildness. If that number jumps any higher, Burnett will earn the right to use the surname "Zambrano."

Still, the Yankees might go there, especially because of their long-standing tendency for going after guys who own them. In 11 career starts against the Yankees, Burnett's thrown 77 innings of 2.43 ERA baseball. To you and I, this is fluky, small sample size-type stuff that doesn't mean very much.

To a couple of kids who were raised by George Steinbrenner, I fear it could mean much more. I guess if they grab Burnett and re-sign Pavano, those dudes can chill together on the DL.

2) Do not re-sign Bobby Abreu.

What?! Doesn't that go against everything Mister Six usually digs? Guys with high OBPs? Patient hitters who take a ton of pitches? Busty Japanese girls dressed up as vampire schoolgirls for Halloween (no, I couldn't find a picture, but this will do)?

Yes, it does go against my usual beliefs, but here's why. Abreu is declining. He was solid last year, but not amazing. His BB have dropped a couple of years in a row. He's not getting any better. And there's really no room for him in my plans. I'd much rather see Nady in RF, and either Manny Ramirez or Adam Dunn in Left Field.

Manny's a freak of nature, pure and simple. I went into this yesterday.

And the case for Adam Dunn seems to be a series of sixes. He's six years younger than Abreu. He's drawn 100+ walks for 6 straight years. And he's hit 40+ homers and driven in 100+ runs in 6 straight years. Sure, Adam Dunn strikes out a lot... but because he strikes out a lot, he's hit into 14 double plays in the last 2 years combined. Abreu rolled in 14 last year alone, and 25 for the last 2 years. So in a twisted sort of way, it evens out.

3) Don't get any bright ideas about guys like Casey Blake.

Brian Cashman's usually good about this sort of thing. He doesn't usually fall into the "grit/hustle/heart" trap that lures lesser GMs to sign guys like David Eckstein, Eric Byrnes and Darren Erstad to inflated contracts despite statistical evidence that states that they're not very good at baseball, and probably won't stay healthy. Cashman's not usually the kind of guy who's out there looking to sign the next Scott Brosius.

Scottie, if you happen to browse over this, I'm not attacking you. Well... now that I look at the numbers, I guess I'm kinda going to attack you. After 1998, you weren't very good. And speaking of 1998... how did you get caught stealing 8 times in 19 attempts? That's terrible!! What idiot kept giving you the green light? You were a lot of things... but fleet of foot, you were not. Maybe somebody'll bring that up during Joe Torre's Bestest Manager in the World Induction Ceremony. "Hung Brosius out to dry 8 times in 1998. Pioneered Ozzie Guillen's Smartball Technique, where a team scores runs by getting slow-footed runners caught stealing."

Back to Casey Blake. How do I put this lightly? Casey Blake sucks at baseball. He didn't make it as a full-time guy until he was 29. Over a full season, he's going to hit about 20 homers, he's going to walk about 11 times, strike out about 120 times, and get on base about 10% less than Mark Teixeira. People are talking about Blake as a first baseman. He's played 105 out of 950 career games there. Adam Dunn has seen more games at first base than Casey Blake... and hits twice as many homers. And gets on base more. And has a cool nickname. Big Donkey. The Big Donkey vs. The Big Father, David Ortiz (sorry, I don't speak Spanish.)

4) Don't sign Derek Lowe.

I talked about this already. So I'll try to summarize.
Lowe is 35.
He pitches in the worst hitting division in baseball.
He's coming off the second-best season of his career.
And his best year since he won 21 in Boston in 2002.
And he's 35.
And pitches in the NL West.
Where instead of bats, people swing replica Dustin Diamond sex-toys.

5) Don't deal Robinson Cano or Phil Hughes.

Hughes was the top-rated pitching prospect in the country. For a while. That kind of potential doesn't fizzle out because of some minor, naggy-type injuries. Johan Santana didn't start dominating until he was 25. Josh Beckett dealt with naggy-type injuries until about the same time. Sabathia really showed what he was about at 26.

Phil Hughes is going to be 23. It's too early to give up on him. Period.

Robinson Cano is 25. He's a career .303/.335/.468 hitter. He has developing power. He struggled last year, which means one of two things. Either... he's a fluke who will never produce again.... or he had a bad year after signing a big contract extension. We should examine that over the next year, and make a determination regarding which it is.

My guess is, Cano bounces back, bats .300/.350/.500 with 40+ doubles, 20+ homers, and 90+ RBIs. The question is... would you rather him do that in New York or San Diego?

If the Padres really want to deal Jake Peavy, offer them an all-you-can-eat-buffet of second-tier prospects. Brett Gardner, Melky Cabrera, Alan Horne, Darrel Rasner, Dellin Betances, Andrew Brackman, Humberto Sanchez, anybody named Duncan, Juan Miranda... Ian Kennedy?

No Hughes. No Cano. No Jesus Montero. No Chamberlain. And no Austin Jackson.

Peavy's coming from the NL West (See: Derek Lowe), so in the AL East, there's a pretty good chance that his ERA's going to bump up by about a run and a half... and if it does, do we really want to watch Phil Hughes winning 20 games a year pitching in the AAAA NL West?

My Morals are Dying As I Write This...

I'm just going to go ahead and glob a few thoughts together here. All of them feel wrong in my heart, and yet seem terribly obvious to my brain. I never, in a million years, imagined I'd say any of these things... so rather than just spitting out one of them... I'm going to put them all out in the open.

1) The Yankees should sign Manny Ramirez.

Why? Because he'd be incredible in New York. He'd get 19 games a year to remind the Red Sox what a horrible mistake they made by letting him leave, and if his performance in Los Angeles is any indication of what he's capable of when happy and motivated to stick it to the Red Sox, he'd probably win the Triple Crown in his first season in New York. Is he a giant boogie man? Yes, he is, but in case you hadn't noticed, Alex Rodriguez is sorta turning into a boogie man... so maybe Man-Ram would even succeed in taking some pressure off of Fragile-Rod's delicate psyche, especially in these trying times during which A-Rod has to learn the principles of Kabbalah while retaining his home-run swing.

2) The NFL was too hard on Adam (Don't Call me Pacman) Jones.

Did I say something about this before? Yeah. Did anybody ever bother to consider that the guy might have a drinking problem? And that the vast majority of his problems might have been occurring while he was intoxicated? Doesn't the NFL have some degree of obligation to look out for this guy's well-being, rather than just labeling him as a bad guy, and looking for ways to throw him out of the league? And here's the bigger question... if Adam Jones was a white guy, do you think Roger Goodell would still have this giant, obvious boner for trying to throw him out of the league? What if he was a white Quarterback, instead of a black Cornerback? Still?

More the case, Jones got into a scrap with a bodyguard. The bodyguard was an employee of the Dallas Cowboys, assigned to look after Jones. So at worst, isn't this a team matter? And shouldn't the Dallas Cowboys be entirely in charge of how it's resolved? Yes, there was an altercation, and yes, police were called. Was an arrest made? Nope. And aren't people in this country supposed to be "innocent until proven guilty"?

By that logic, isn't it then impossible for Jones to have been guilty of anything, if he was not arrested and charges were not filed?

3) Stephon Marbury needs to play for the Knicks, like, immediately.

Benching him for the first game was stupid. Moving him to the inactive list was moronic and inexcusable. And keeping him there... probably makes the baby Jesus cry. I'm not even exaggerating.

I understand that Mike D'Antoni's logic is, that since Marbury won't be here beyond this year, the minutes are better spent "developing" players who will be here. There's a problem with that logic though...

The guys who are playing instead of Marbury aren't going to develop into anything special. Anthony Roberson is an undrafted free agent who got a 2-year contract for playing well in the summer league. And Mardy Collins is a late first rounder with almost zero potential. And Chris Duhon is garbage, pure and simple, garbage. None of these guys have the jumpshot to be productive in D'Antoni's offense, regardless.

Marbury, on the other hand, has played the part of "good soldier" the whole way. He's said all the right things. And on top of that, he came to camp in terrific shape, worked his ass off in the pre-season, and showed the ability to grasp the offense to some degree. He's done everything he possibly can to distance himself from the last couple of years.

Show me one team, in the history of the NBA, that's won games while it's best player was a healthy scratch. In fact, show me one team in professional sports history, that's ever deactivated their best player and improved as a result. That's what the Knicks are doing.

They claim to want to trade Marbury. And how, exactly, are you going to trade a guy who's not playing? If Marbury were to see 10 minutes a game, and he played well, looked rejuvenated, had his old quickness back, along with that relentless drive... wouldn't his value increase? Wouldn't it become easier to move his $22 Million expiring contract? Couldn't you even, perhaps, bring back something of value for him?

These three points go against everything I feel like I should know about professional sports by now, but they seem to need to be said.

On a Personal Note...

Yesterday I proposed to my girlfriend.  And she said yes.  So we're quite well on the way to making her Mrs. Six.  Just figured I'd share that with you all.

Especially you, Sal Sessa.  I know you're still popping in occasionally.

I'll get back to bitterly bashing bad journalism as soon as possible.

Manny the Bastard! More Amazing Spin!!

Yup, right here. Bob Lobel of OT Boston (who?) thinks that Manny should be banned from the game for his "re-enactment of the 1919 Black Sox Scandal."

So yes, basically more sour grapes coming out of Boston. And yes, that makes this post blog-on-blog crime. And I'm not sorry.

Remember the eight players from the 1919 Black Sox who threw the World Series for money? Perhaps one of the original Black Sox came back as Manny. "Shoeless Joe," back as "Clueless Manny." Black Sox outfielder Oscar Felsch, known as "Happy," back as "Dopey."

No, I don't remember the eight players from the 1919 Black Sox. How old are you?

And secondly, who paid Manny to throw games? You want to ban the guy from baseball for "not hustling"? Okay... then I guess we should strip the Red Sox of the 2004 and 2007 World Series titles... since one of the keys to them winning those series, was a player who cheated and violated the rules and all this and that, and should be banned, right? No? You don't want to give back those titles? Then shut the fuck up.

Shoeless Joe as Clueless Manny? Nah. More like apples to oranges. Nobody paid Manny to do this. It wasn't organized by the mob. And moreso, the Sox didn't have to trade him. Despite all the press, they could have kept him, continued to endure his antics... and come post-season time, with another title in sight, he'd have done exactly what he did in Los Angeles.... for Boston.

It was dissatisfaction with $15,000 back in 1919 and displeasure with $20 million to $40 million in 2008.

It was dissatisfaction with $15,000... and the fact that the fucking mob was involved. Supplying money. Paying these guys a lot of money to throw the games, so they could turn a profit.

Manny's "displeasure with $20 to $40 million in 2008" isn't why he did this. He was being disrespected by that organization in every way. For years. He's watched "Boston Heroes" like Pedro Martinez, Keith Foulke, Derek Lowe, Mark Bellhorn, Bill Mueller, Nomar Garciaparra, Johnny Damon, Trot Nixon, Kevin Millar and Bronson Arroyo get lowballed, cut and traded over the last few years, in favor of whatever "newer better model" Theo wanted to build upon.

He knew he was going to get a shittty lowball offer, or hung out to dry in some other unceremonious way, and he was going to be left to pick up the pieces in the off-season, so he did what people do in professional sports. He looked out for #1.

The word out of Boston for the last 3 or 4 years, has been that Manny's not happy. Manny wants to be traded. Manny hates playing in Boston. And yet, year after year, Manny put up numbers, made that team competitive, and knocked the cover off the ball in the post-season.

Now he's gone, and Boston's on their way out the door. So cry me a fucking river.

Their strategy: Play less -- for more pay. And, 89 years later, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Manny's strategy wasn't "Play less -- for more pay." His strategy was "get the fuck out of Boston, and go somewhere where they appreciate me, and then play more!"

Lets make this clear. Manny's probably going to get some sucker to shell out 7 years, at $20 Million per, because of what he did in August and September in Los Angeles. Manny could have stayed in Boston, batted .400 with 20 homers and 50 RBI for the last 50 games, batted .550 in the playoffs... and gotten the same money.

He didn't NEED a trade to boost his value by going batshit insane for 2 months. He wanted out of Boston, because the organization didn't appreciate him, and didn't treat him with respect.

Fast-forward to a new super Hall of Fame ballot before the Baseball Writers of America. (By the way, and it's not only my observation, I believe the electors would have trouble passing over the famous Hall of Fame character clause.) Here is the super ballot of villains before us today:
Pete Rose
Barry Bonds
Roger Clemens
Manny Ramirez

So... let me get this straight.
Pete Rose bet on baseball games... but that's cool.
And Barry Bonds broke US Law, by taking an illegal substance. And then broke US Law by lying about it. And broke US Laws by not paying his taxes. And that's cool too.
And Roger Clemens did all the stuff that Barry Bonds did. Plus he lied to Congress about it. And none off these are problems...

But Manny Ramirez... didn't hustle. And orchestrated his way out of Boston. And it hurt the Boston Red Sox. And that's the guy you want to go after? Do you even pretend to have a neutral, non-homer opinion?

By your logic, Carlos Delgado should also be thrown out of the game for what he did in New York this year.

He played like complete shit under Willie Randolph. He didn't hit, he didn't hustle, he did nothing. And as soon as Randolph got fired... Delgado caught fire! That means that he didn't hustle for Randolph, and therefore, he should be banned for life.

Do you know how many other examples of this I can give you?

In 2004, Adrian Beltre hit 48 homers and batted .334/.388/.629 for the Dodgers, with 121 RBI and 32 doubles.

The Seattle Mariners rewarded him with a big, fat contract. And since then, he's never hit close to .300, and his home run totals are 19, 25, 26 and 25.

So basically, Adrian Beltre played really hard during his walk-year... in order to get a big fat contract... and then he never hustled again. Should we also ban him? And everybody else who has a career-year during a contract year... then reverts to being shitty?

Where do we draw the line? Wait... let me answer that.

We only punish guys who screw over the Boston Red Sox... right Bob?

This entire article is a bad analogy, so that tag's been added. Thanks to Jane for the tip.

Heyyyy... Do You Remember This?

And speaking of Batman... do you remember this?

I'm pondering this new Adam Jones suspension... cuz actually, I might be flip-flopping to say that the league is now picking on the guy... gonna sleep on it. Yeah.