Sports, Life, and Sports by Mister Six

Just for shits and giggles...

2010-03-03T16:49:00.002-05:00

Nobody's reading this any more... but lets go through that last post I made before I became a dad and totally lost interest in writing blog posts to nobody.

1) Yeah, the Jets really needed Parcells. Fuck me, I was so wrong.

2) Good thing they got rid of that fucking washed up has-been Farve, right? Not like he had an AMAZING season in Minnesota or something, right?

3) Mark Sanchez was SOME GAME MANAGER in the playoffs, huh? Boy oh boy, good thing they gave the offense to Trent Dilfer!

4) Kerry Rhodes morphed into such an Ed Reed clone... that they're pondering trading him in an uncapped year!

9) That losing culture really fucked the Jets! Fucked them all the way to the AFC title game!

So in summation, this Gary Myers article was fucking stupid when he wrote it. And a month and change after the football season ended, it's even more fucking stupid. Thanks for not reading.

A Post About Football Instead of Food!

2009-01-22T12:45:00.002-05:00

No more Angry Whopper Jokes. Just this Whopper of a dumb article. Everybody say thank you to Gary Myers of the NY Daily News. Lets get to work on his "Ten Ways to Fix the Jets."

1. Fish for Tuna

Parcells? Why? So he can tap out their salary cap room, age their roster dramatically, quit before his contract ends and steal millions from their owner? Like he's done at every other job he's ever had? Yeah, great idea. Do that immediately.

2. Fond Farewell to Favre
3. Find a Game Manager

Ryan was on the 2000 Ravens staff that won the Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer and just went to the AFC title game with rookie Joe Flacco. He needs the Jets to run the ball, play defense and for the QB not to give it to the other team.

The 2000 Baltimore Ravens defense sucked with Trent Dilfer. They won the Super Bowl with one of the best defensive seasons in league history. This year, again, amazing defense, awful offense. It's why they lost to Pittsburgh.

So let me get this straight, you want him to make it a priority to have a bad offense!? Get a "game manager"? So on DAY FUCKING ONE... we're admitting that the Jets will NOT be a dynamic offensive football team. They're going to play field position, and rely completely on their defense to win games. That's your idea?

I've got a better idea. How about if the team builds a strong defense, but also tries to build a dynamic offense at the same time. That's seemed to work for teams in the past. The Jets need a playmaking wide receiver. You can't entirely blame Brett Farve for the season he had. He's got NOBODY to throw the ball to.

Here are the Jets top two receivers:

Laveranues Coles - 70 catches, 850 yards.
Jerricho Cotchery - 71 catches, 858 yards.

A couple of guys who average 4 catches and around 50 yards a game. Why? Because they don't get open and get in position to make plays. Give Favre a Terrell Owens or a Larry Fitzgerald and watch how fast he looks like a 29-year old quarterback again.

4. Reed All About It
Kerry Rhodes has Pro Bowl ability, but Mangini never put him in spots where he could be a playmaker. Ryan has told friends he wants to turn Rhodes into "No. 20," which means Ravens All-Pro safety Ed Reed.

Kerry Rhodes is a top-10 strong safety in the NFL. Ed Reed, however, is hands-down, the best strong safety in the NFL. The only way you're turning Kerry Rhodes into Ed Reed... is if you include a first-round draft pick and beg the Ravens to trade one for the other.

9. Personality Transplant
The Jets were fighting their own history as much as the other team as they started to lose their grip on the playoffs. Ryan must change the Same Old Jets culture.

Yeah, that Jets Losing Culture was absolutely fucking killing them after they beat the then-undefeated Titans, and were sitting at 8-3. If beating an undefeated team to get to 8-3 during the season doesn't break your "losing culture" then maybe you ought to just fucking quit. The team didn't fall apart because of the culture. They fell apart because their coach was a fucking idiot, their quarterback was throwing with a torn bicep, their wideouts were a joke and their running game was overrated.

So to summarize, we're going to make the Jets great by giving Bill Parcells some more money, signing a shitty quarterback to not put points on the board, telling the strong safety to get cornrows and change his number, and calling in a voodoo shaman to quash the bad ju-ju.

Sounds like a great plan Gary Myers.

Beating a Dead Burger

2009-01-16T15:44:00.003-05:00

Yup, I'm gonna make fun of the Angry Whopper some more, because it amuses me. And I think it amuses you too. I've actually been working on a new ad campaign for the Angry Whopper, something to really get your attention when they show those stupid commercials 7,000 times during the Cards-Eagles game this weekend. So here's my list of things the Angry Whopper can promise to people who choose to eat it:

The Angry Whopper is going to take a dump in your left sneaker.
It's going to deflower your daughter and never call her.
If you're married, your spouse will consent to anal intercourse with the Angry Whopper. Even if they're not gay, and/or totally don't like it up the butt.
If you're single, the Angry Whopper just banged the girl of your dreams.
The Angry Whopper is so manly, it's going to make you crap out a fucking Panda bear, and then you're going to choke that fucking Panda bear to death even though it's an endangered species because the Angry Whopper has stolen your ability to give a fuck!
If you're Barack Obama, you won't get any change with your Angry Whopper.
If you're George W. Bush, the Angry Whopper is going to call a bunch of it's Angry Whopper friends and invite them over to circle jerk all over your last brain cell.
If you're a fucking Panda bear, you shouldn't even be reading this shit, so go fuck yourself Panda bear. Oh yeah, the Angry Whopper just ran over your fucking Panda children in it's Escalade.
Yes, a hamburger drives a fucking Escalade. And it doesn't care about gas mileage.
The Angry Whopper roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris to death.
If the Angry Whopper does not cause you to shit blood, you can punch this guy without having legal action taken against you.
The Angry Whopper doesn't consider sex kinky enough until it's violated your dog.
Despite what you may believe, the Angry Whopper is directly responsible for the assassinations of Presidents Lincoln & Kennedy, John Lennon, Dimebag Darrell, Selena, Harvey Milk, Malcolm X, Jesse James, William McKinley, and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (Happy MLK Day Everybody!)

Slightly Annoyed Whopper?

2009-01-15T17:24:00.002-05:00

So yeah, I got all excited about this Angry Whopper thing that Burger King's pushing on TV. I love me some spicy food, and the commercial is all like,

"THIS BURGER IS GOING TO FUCK YOUR MOTHER WITH PISSED OFF SPICY ONIONY GOODNESS!"

I ate the burger. It was pretty good. Not spicy enough to live up to the claims. And frankly, a burger with jalapenos, hot sauce, spiced onions and pepper jack cheese shouldn't have a problem being spicy enough. Just figured I'd let you guys know about this.

It's part of my 2009 goal to make this blog into a one-stop shop for all things useless. Well, I wouldn't call it a goal. I think I'm already succeeding on that one without trying.

A Giant Playoff Collapse?

2009-01-13T11:00:00.002-05:00

Gotta glance over this topic for a few lines. Hopefully this won't draw out into a long-winded post.

The media coverage today is centered on whether the New York Giants would have fared better with Plaxico Burress in the game against the Eagles on Sunday.

The answer is, very obviously, yes, they would have, simply because he commands double-coverage from the defense whenever he's on the field. Do the Giants win that game with him? Maybe, I guess... but probably not.

The burden of this loss should fall squarely on the Head Coach and the Offensive Coordinator as far as I'm concerned. And how do I intend to prove this? With a couple of simple stats, and a bit of common knowledge.

The word is that the wind conditions were rough at the Meadowlands on Sunday, and Eli Manning ALWAYS struggles in the wind. That's probably why the Giants were so good away from East Rutherford last season. And it's also probably why the best quarterback in Giants history, Phil Simms, only completed 55% of his passes for his career. The wind in North Jersey is a bitch. There's no denying that. And having a 6'5" receiver with the wingspan of a pterodactyl has to help a little.

But here's the bigger question... with the wind gusting, and Burress not out there drawing doubles, why did the Giants keep throwing the ball?

Brandon Jacobs ran the ball 19 times for 92 yards. He averaged 4.8 yards per carry. Derek Ward chewed up 46 yards on 12 carries for a 3.8 average. They were able to move the ball on the ground, especially with Jacobs.

Once you see Eli struggle in the first quarter, why doesn't the coach put the ball in Brandon Jacobs hands on every play? The Giants offensive line obviously loves to run-block, and they're great at it. And Jacobs goes 6'4" and over 260 lbs.

You let that guy slam himself into the defense... over... and over... and over again until the Philadelphia Eagles feel violated the way Ashley Dupre must have felt shortly before cashing one of Eliot Spitzer's checks.

You force the Philadelphia Eagles to stick 8 or 9 guys in the box to stop the run. And once they commit to that, you send in some play actions passes, and even Tom Coughlin could have suited up at wide receiver and snuck down the sideline for long completions.

Instead, the Giants ran 30 passing plays against 31 runs, maintaining a perfect offensive balance between the effective rushing game... and the completely ineffective passing game.

They did nothing to force the Eagles to adjust to them, instead allowing them to control the game, and ultimately the final score really doesn't show how one-sided things really were.

So yeah, now I guess the only thing to do is pull for the Arizona Cardinals. Why? Because Philadelphia just had the Phillies win something. Pittsburgh got one a couple of years ago. And I'd just feel like a schmuck cheering on the Cleveland Browns to win a Super Bowl for Baltimore. Plus it's Baltimore. I dunno. I don't like Baltimore. I've been there, it seems like a nice enough place. But I don't like it. So yeah, no Super Bowl for Baltimore.

Anyway, if teams that I like can't win a championship, I guess I'd rather see the wealth get spread around a bit. If the Cardinals actually have fans, they probably deserve a parade.

And for the record, if anybody can, in fact, confirm the existance of Arizona Cardinal fans, I'd love to hear about it.

The Hall of Home-Field Advantage!!!

2009-01-12T14:45:00.002-05:00

I probably don't need to tell you all that I'm upset that Jim Rice is getting into the Hall of Fame. You probably already know that. The fact that he's ever been considered a serious candidate makes me laugh, then bang my head against my keyboard, then laugh some more.

Having seen that he got 76.4% of the ballot today, I threw up a little bit in my mouth. So thanks for that. But why do I hate Rice so much? Do I remember his pricky attitude? Nope. Am I bias against Boston players? Not particularly. I hate them, but that's never stopped me from being objective about their value. Kevin Youkilis was awesome this year and should have won the MVP, and Dustin Pedroia is the new Derek Jeter. See?

So what's my problem with Rice, then? Simple. Look at these stats.

At Fenway: .320/.374/.546 (OPS+ 116, ), 208 HR, 207 2B
Everywhere else: .277/.330/.459 (OPS+ 85), 174 HR, 166 2B.

The man's batting average falls by 43 points away from Fenway, which reflects almost exactly in his OBP, then comes the bombshell. Almost a 100 point drop-off in slugging percentage.

At Fenway, Jim Rice was a beast. In every other ballpark in baseball, he was David fucking Dellucci!!!

On top of that, he ranks 6th in GIDPs, which is the highest he ranks in ANY OFFENSIVE STATISTIC for his career.

For his career, as an outfielder/DH, he finished up with 382 homers and 373 doubles, and a career OPS+ of 128 (which is skewered, because as you saw, his Fenway OPS+ as it relates to how well EVERYBODY hits there, is only 116).

Compare that to say... Andre Dawson, who hit 438 homers and 503 doubles, but gets held out because of his .279/.323/.482, and the fact that he played foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Point is, Dawson is borderline. Rice is borderline. You can't let borderline guys like this into the hall... because they're the criteria that we judge other players by.

If a guy has considerably better numbers than Rice, he probably deserves to go in. Now... Rice is in... so technically speaking, a guy with the same exact numbers, in an offensive haven should get in. Dawson should go. Hell, while we're at it, why don't we let Don Mattingly in there!!!

Sure, he really only had 6 good years, and finished with only 222 homers, but come onnnnn!! He's Donnie Baseball!! And he actually hit like 70 more doubles than Jim Rice, and bounced into like 500 less double plays!! And his OPS+ of 127 is only a point worse than Rice's 128! Cut the guy some slack! He declined sharply and retired at 34!!

Just to clarify, I'm not seriously suggesting that Don Mattingly be allowed into the Hall of Fame without a ticket. I'm just explaining the damage that bullshit like this does. This is the kind of typical, obvious Boston-bias that's turning people against the game of baseball. It's ESPN-driven hype at it's finest. And if not, then it's proof that the election system is seriously flawed and some real criteria needs to be added by which players are judged.

Because most of these voters are plainly retarded.

Case in point. The guy who doesn't think Rickey Henderson is a Hall of Famer.

In case it needs stating, here's Henderson's Hall resume:

.279/.401/.419 (OPS+ 127), 297 HR, 510 2B, 3055 H, 1406 SB, 1406 RBI and 2190 BB

Jesus fucking Christ... even Rickey's close to Rice's home run total.

So Sue Me!?

2008-12-31T13:54:00.003-05:00

This is the kind of story that makes me think that women and sports just don't go together quite as well as we'd all hoped they would.

Yup, Kaitlin Dauner is suing her school, Indian Hills, for an injury she sustained while playing for their girls basketball team.

The team played an informal scrimmage against the boys, and poor Kaitlin suffered a separated shoulder when the game became "excessively physical." She blames this on the school's failure to provide "adequate supervision, referees or athletic trainers" for the scrimmage.

So what she's saying is that every time you get banged up playing a little bit of street ball, you should file a suit against your buddies for pain and suffering. Because that's what this amounts to.

When you think about it, you've got women competing in mixed martial arts, college and professional basketball, softball, football, hockey, boxing and just about anything else that men are willing to strap on a helmet or a jockstrap to play.

And while the obvious knock against women's sports is the lack of skill and athleticism featured by men (largely due to the fact that, at least in our era, women don't get the same level of training, and most times, don't start playing as young as the guys), the toughness of the female athlete has never been called into question quite this way before.

The irony is, that quite often, women have proven able to show the sort of sportsmanship (sportswomanship?) and reason that's often missing in the men's game. Like in this story, where Sara Tucholsky homered, then tore ligaments in her knee... and was carried around the bases by her opponents, Mallory Holtzman and Liz Wallace.

Could you ever, in a million years, imagine Roger Clemens coming off the mound, and with the help of Derek Jeter... carrying David Eckstein around the bases after a home run? And now that you've tried to imagine it, isn't it sorta funny? I'm getting off the topic.

Think about the story above. What if Sara Tucholsky would have sued, blaming the injury on the "excessively physical" nature of the sport she chose to play?

My guess is that nobody put a gun to Kaitlin Dauner's head and made her play against the boys. She chose to, because as any female athlete will probably tell you, women LOVE getting a chance to show that they can hold their own against the guys.

In closing, Kaitlin, you should drop the suit... and try to show that you're at least TRYING to be as tough as these girls. They don't look very tough there. How about here? Still not tough enough. What about now? Or this one? Yeah,. that's more like it.

Can you tell that I'm enjoying having a reason to link pictures to the Lingerie Bowl? I won't apologize for that. It's why you all love me.

The Proudest Moment of the Bush Administration

2008-12-18T15:42:00.004-05:00

Right here. Yes, I realize this happened days ago. I find it hysterical and amazing all at once.

Look at the deft skill with which Bush dodged that first shoe. I haven't seen moves like that since Neo started to believe towards the end of the first Matrix movie. All this video needs is Rip Torn, in the wheelchair screaming, "If you can dodge an Iraqi Journalist's left shoe.... you can dodge a ball!"

Seriously though... G. Dubz looks like he's been practicing that move. You need to be quick like that when you expect to be dodging bullets.

Baseballs Off-Season: What We Know So Far and What it Means

2008-12-04T13:05:00.007-05:00

1) Ryan Dumpster went back to the Cubs. Which probably means very little, because he's not going to win 17 games with an ERA+ of 151 again next year. I'm still stunned that he did it once.

2) C.C. Sabathia is being chased by everybody. The Yankees, Brewers, Angels, Giants, maybe the Red Sox and Mets. Which still means that he's probably going to end up a Yankee. From what I understand, the Yankees philosophy regarding Sabathia is that 6 years, $140 Million was their starting point. If Sabathia wants more, all he's got to do is ask for it.

It's very hard to imagine Sabathia, in this day and age, choosing to take $30-$40 Million dollars less to play in San Francisco. In fact, it's very hard to imagine anybody, in the history of ever, anywhere, actually WANTING to take $30 to $40 Million dollars less than they're being offered to do something, because that's a ton of money. That's Dustin Pedroia's entire new contract. Think about your salary. Then think about taking a 30 or 40% paycut... and tell me what you think of that. So yeah. He'll be a Yankee.

3) Dustin Pedroia got a new contract. Which, again, means very little. It means that he can stuff his boots with hundred dollar bills, and prop himself up a little bit. Like Tom Cruise does. And when he's done, maybe he'll stand a full five feet tall. I still think his Rookie of the Year and MVP awards are incredible fucking travesties. But whatever. He'll be in Boston for a long time.

4) People really think Derek Lowe's a good pitcher. How did this happen? Seriously? How? Did Derek Lowe hijack a fucking satellite-mounted laser beam and threaten to vaporize every kitten in America if anybody talks about the fact, that he's a slightly above average pitcher in a terrible division, and is on the wrong side of 35 years of age? What is causing people to have a Titsworth over Derek Lowe?

5) The Yankees didn't offer arbitration to Bobby Abreu or Andy Pettitte. Everybody is claiming that this is because of the poor economy and financial crunch. They're saying that the Yankees don't want to pay $16 Million each for these guys in arbitration. These people are about 33% correct.

The Yankees don't want Bobby Abreu or Andy Pettitte on their team next year. At all. Abreu's looking for 3 years, $45 Million on the free agent market. He's not going to get it. I doubt anybody's going to go beyond 2 years, with a club option 3rd for Abreu. And I'd guess the annual value will top out around $12 Million. So if your best offer is 2 years, $24 Million, what do you do? You take arbitration from the Yankees and make $16 Million for one more year. And then the Yankees are stuck with Abreu, in addition to Nady, Matsui, Damon and Swisher. There's no room for Brett Gardner or Melky Cabrera. Or Manny Ramirez. Or Adam Dunn.

And as for Pettitte, is he really worth $16 Million? He'd take arbitration in a heartbeat if it was offered. Would you rather spend that money on Andy Pettitte, or Ben Sheets? How about A.J. Burnett? Mark Teixeira? Manny Ramirez? Adam Dunn? Or Andy Pettitte? They don't want him back. They offered him a 1 year, $10 Million, take-it-or-leave-it contract. Does that sound like somebody the Yankees want?

5) Adam Dunn wasn't offered arbitration by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Which was a pretty stupid decision. Why? 40 homers and 100+ RBI every year. That's why. Despite the low batting average, Dunn gets on base and hits for a ton of power. The Yankees would love to grab him, but might have jumped at Nick Swisher a little too fast. Boston also might take a hard look, especially since they don't have to surrender draft picks. The Mets would be completely retarded not to try and sign this guy. The bottom line is... somebody is going to sign him. For a bunch of years, and a bunch of dollars. The D'Backs should have gotten some draft picks for it.

And on a completely unrelated note... why didn't anybody tell me about Tim Tebow's girlfriend? She gets a tag. In fact, she gets two tags. One for her. And one for her giant breasts. Actually, two for her giant breasts... because without them, she wouldn't be getting a tag. I'm just repeating the phrase "giant breasts" so I have an excuse to link more pictures. You're welcome.

Mike Mussina? Hall of Fame?

2008-11-21T22:23:00.004-05:00

John Harper of the NY Daily News says no. Because of stats? Because he missed 300 wins? Nope! Because Mussina didn't have enough "moments." Whatever that means.

His overall numbers stack up well against some notable Hall of Famers, including Ferguson Jenkins, Juan Marichal, Catfish Hunter and even Bob Gibson. Actually, he has a better winning percentage (.638) than any of them, and indeed at 270-153, he would have the best percentage of any player not in the Hall.

Here's the case for Mussina. 537 starts. 270 wins, with only 153 losses. Baseballreference.com lists his "162-Game Averages" as 34 starts, 17-9, 226 innings pitched, 49 BB against 178 strikeouts, a 3.68 ERA (ERA+ 123), and a 1.192 WHIP. Over 18 years as a professional pitcher, those are very, very good numbers. And 270 wins, for a guy who never made more than 36 starts in a season, is a very impressive number.

Fergie Jenkins made 57 more starts (594) and won 14 more games (284). He also lost 71 more games, most likely because of less use and specialization in the bullpens when he pitched. He threw 267 complete games in his career. Moose threw only 57, however, that's not really Mussina's fault. The game is different.

Jenkins also didn't spend the better portion of his career pitching to guys who were injecting fucking horse steroids into their asses. And to boot, Jenkins' career ERA+? 115. Which means, Mussina, over his career, has been better in comparison to his peers, than Jenkins was to his.

Marichal won only 243 games, and his 123 ERA+ is the same as Mussina's. Yeah, he went 26-9 in 1968. He also went 6-16 in 1972. Maybe it had something to do with throwing 3 300+ inning seasons.

Catfish Hunter finished 224-166 with a 104 ERA+. Looking at his numbers right now is making me wonder who he blew to get into the Hall of Fame. Suffice to say, I'm not impressed.

And Bob Gibson, to me, is one of the 5 best pitchers in baseball history. Mussina doesn't even get to be in the room for that conversation, so I'm not going to compare him to Gibson.

So why isn't Mussina a Hall guy, John Harper?

You look at Mussina's career and it's hard to find the wow factor that usually defines the very best players of an era.

Wow factor? Hang on, let me check Baseball Prospectus. They usually have stats for those crazy acronyms. WOW? Is that a new acronym? What does it stand for?

Wait a second... there's no such stat as "WOW." What are you talking about John Harper? Oh. Fuck.

You're saying that he can't be a Hall of Famer, because, despite having statistical credibility and value over an 18 year career, he never impressed you enough? He never trotted out of the dugout in a cut up leather jacket with a crazy haircut, with WILD THING playing on the PA system? He never threw 14 shutout innings in game 7 of the World Series? He never appeared in a porno with guys named Lexington Steele and Mandingo and slapped around a 19 year old blonde with his "freakishly large certain part of the male anatomy?"

This is your hall of fame criteria?

He didn't win a Cy Young Award, finished second once, and had a few other fourths and fifths.

Because Cliff Lee won 24 games this year? And Roy Halladay threw 700 innings? I'm not sure, but I think it was 700.

And in 1999, he finished second behind Pedro Martinez, who had an ERA+ of 243!!

Point is... his lack of a Cy Young isn't because he was never a great pitcher. It's just that he was never the greatest pitcher in a league with Randy Johnson, Roger Clemens and Pedro Martinez gobbling up most of them.

And what the fuck were the voters thinking in 1992? They gave the Cy Young to Dennis Eckersley? For throwing 80 innings? Followed by Blackjack McDowell and Roger Clemens... then followed by Mussina, who went 18-5 that year, with a 2.54 ERA? The case for Clemens that year was strong too... but McDowell and Eck had no business being considered... and they got most of the votes.

He didn't win a championship, and though Mussina pitched well in some big postseason games, he never had a brilliant postseason that demanded attention in the manner of John Smoltz, Jack Morris, Curt Schilling, or even Josh Beckett or Cole Hamels.

He didn't win a championship. By himself. Nope, he went 7-8 in the post-season... with a 3.42 ERA and he struck out 145 in 139 innings.

In 1997, with Baltimore, he was 2-0 with a 1.93 ERA in the Divisional Round, carrying Baltimore over Seattle. Then, in 2 starts against Cleveland, he allowed 1 run and 4 hits, in 15 innings. Not brilliant? Or maybe you just don't remember that...

Never mind Gibson, who won 251 games in his career, or 19 fewer than Mussina, but had two Cy Youngs, one MVP, and won World Series for the Cardinals in 1964 and '67 practically singlehandedly.

So you're saying that a pitcher has to be as good as Bob Gibson to make it into the Hall of Fame? Then we ought to throw about just about every pitcher who's already there... and forget about adding new guys. Maybe Pedro. Koufax. A handful of others at best. This is a moronic argument. Bob Gibson was the Shaquille O'Neal of baseball back then.

He was so nasty, that they lowered the mound height so batters wouldn't shit down their legs when he threw his slider. Gibson was a fucking buzzsaw.

In addition, while winning 20 games this season at 39 was quite a feat, Mussina never had one or more of those incandescent seasons that stamp pitchers as bound for Cooperstown.

Umm... 18-5 with a 2.54 ERA in 1992. 16-5 with a 3.05 ERA in 24 starts in 1994 (apparently, the strike was his fault too.) 19-9 with a 3.29 ERA in 1995. 15-8 with a 3.20 ERA in 1997 (with minimal run support at best.) 17-11 in his first year in New York, in 2001... and if you remember, despite playing for the Yankees, he received about the worst run support in baseball that year.

However, Marichal set himself apart as a superstar with an eight-year run in which he posted seasons of 18-11, 25-8, 21-8, 22-13, 25-6, 14-10, 26-9, and 21-11. That pretty much defines dominance.

His starts in those years? 36, 40, 33, 37, 36, 26, 38, 37.

Give Mussina an extra 4 or 5 starts in 1992, 1995, 1996, 1999 and 2002... and he probably gives you 5 20 win seasons.

You can make the case that Mussina was more consistent over his 18 years than Tom Glavine, but Glavine has two Cy Young awards, five 20-win seasons and a world championship, in addition to 305 wins, all of which make him practically automatic.

You can make the case that Glavine made 145 more starts than Mike Mussina, and won only 35 more games. And that if Mussina hung around and pitched until his 50th birthday like Glavine, he'd probably have 330 wins or so. And that it was probably a little easier for Glavine, since he spent his career following Greg Maddux and John Smoltz in the rotation. He was a glorified fucking 3 starter who walked 1500 guys in his career. And avoided the American League like the clap.

For me the argument for Mussina in the Hall falls just short, subject to review in five years as we gain more and more perspective on the steroids era. If only he'd had a few more moments that were as remarkable as his decision to retire as a 20-game winner.

A few more moments? You mean like the time in 2001 when he came within 1 strike of a perfect game... in Boston... before Carl Everett broke it up? And the only reason they sent Everett to the plate... was because he crowded the plate, and they hoped Mussina would HIT HIM WITH THE BALL?

Or in 1995, when Mussina was on the mound and got the win in Cal Ripkin's 2,131st consecutive game played?

Or out of the bullpen in the 2003 ALCS to shut down the Red Sox?

Or in 2006, when he became the first pitcher in AL History to win 10 or more games in 15 consecutive seasons?

How about in 1998 when he retired 23 straight, before Frank Catalanotto's double in the 8th?

1997 again Cleveland, when he was perfect for 25 outs before Sandy Alomar, Jr. got to him for a single?

How about the 7 gold gloves? You like awards. They mean shit to me... but you like them.

This guy belongs in the hall. John Harper, you belong in a different hall for this terrible article.

Dustin Pedroia is Officially the New Derek Jeter!

2008-11-18T15:46:00.002-05:00

Vastly overrated singles hitter, who, despite not being the best player on his own team, receives consideration for numerous awards and is constantly felitated by members of the media.

Who am I talking about? Which one of them? Pedroia or Jeter? You can't tell, can you.

Jeter, in any given season, was far behind Alex Rodriguez, Tino Martinez, Bernie Williams, Paul O'Neill, Mariano Rivera and numerous other Yankees in terms of value. And yet, when they're winning, he's the reason according to every major media article that's written. His grit, calm eyes and hustle are always the key components. Oh, and intangibles.

Pedroia wins an MVP with a sub-.900 OPS, 17 homers and 85 RBI. Given the way the season unfolded, a case could easily be made that Kevin Youkilis, Daisuke Matsuzaka and Jon Lester were more valuable to the Red Sox... and that's without even mentioning Papelbon.

Youkilis hit 29 homers and drove in 115. He batted .312, had a much higher OPS and hit .374 with runners in scoring position. Pedroia with RSIP? .307 with 5 homers in 200 plate appearances.

David Ortiz played a little over half a season and had more homers and RBI, in what was, by far, his worst season in Boston. Hell, Jason Bay hit 9 homers in a little over a month and a half in Boston.

And Lester won 16 with a 3.21 ERA and threw 210 innings. Honestly, without him, this years incarnation of the Red Sox would have been sitting firmly in 3rd place as the Yankees took the Wild Card.

And Matsuzaka went 18-3 with a 2.90 ERA in 29 starts. Sure, he only threw 170 innings, but he was freakishly good despite missing some time.

Yeah, it was a weak crop this year. Josh Hamilton's season totals look good... I mean .302 with 32 homers and 130 RBI... but he fell apart after the all-star break. Quentin got hurt, which pretty much derailed his chances.

But Jesus Christ... Joe Mauer was more deserving here. The guy hit .328/.413/.451, walked 30 times more than Pedroia, played great defense, drove in the same number of runs... and he's a CATCHER!

Tampa gets 27 homers and 85 RBI from Evan Longoria in 122 games! He transforms them from a middle-of-the-pack team to the AL East Champs... and he doesn't get some consideration? What better demonstration of value is there than seeing how average the team was without him... and how far they went with him?

Justin Morneau jacks 23 and drives in 129 with a .300/.374/.499 line and 47 doubles.

A-Rod misses a month and still hits 35 homers and has 100+ RBI.

Just for the record... when you can name 10 guys who probably deserved an award more than the guy who got it... the guy who got it probably didn't deserve it.

FJM is Calling It Quits...

2008-11-14T10:03:00.003-05:00

So yeah, I just caught a look at this. I'm really sad to learn that FJM is going the way of Andruw Jones' bat, but it's the harsh reality that we have to deal with.

I've only said it about a thousand times already, but FireJoeMorgan was what inspired me to start writing this blog, and I'll do my best to continue posting infuriating and humorous takes on sports, and lambasting bad sports commentary as best as I can.

So thanks, FJM Crew, for the entertainment, inspiration and information. And for linking to one of my posts. That was my high moment as a blogger.

Because Boxing is Just Too Hostile These Days...

2008-11-12T20:08:00.002-05:00

I mean, it's all about punching and bleeding and guts and stuff. That is, until Trenton Titsworth gets into the ring.

Yup, that's his real, actual name. And this is why he shall forever be immortalized in sports.

Yup, you just saw him nibbling amorously at his opponents neck... only moments before getting knocked the fuck out. From this day forth, I shall refer to any such loving acts in the world of sports as Titsworths. Or is it Titsworthes? How do you pluralize the name Titsworth?

Correct Me If I'm Wrong Here...

2008-11-12T10:24:00.004-05:00

What do you guys see here? Obviously, I'm bias because I'm an admitted Celtics-hater, but aren't there rules in the game of basketball? And aren't some of those rules about taunting opposing players?

I'm told there are two ways of looking at this in this article, by J.E. Skeets.

1) It was disgusting. KG should have been nailed with a taunting tech immediately, maybe even tossed. Sure, he's playing mind games and getting into his opponent's head, but the officials have to draw the line somewhere — he went way over it. Classless move by the Big Ticket.

Yeah, that sounds about right to me. The broadcast guys in the clip seem to agree with this argument too. I'm of the mind that Garnett should have been T'd up for this, immediately. And if it continued beyond the technical, he should have been tossed. Classless, indeed. Although, surprisingly, that's nothing new for Garnett.

2) It was awesome. We're what, six or seven games into the season, and here are two Eastern "All-Stars" jawing at each other like it's Game 7 of the NBA Finals. KG tried to rattle young Jose, but the Spaniard refused to back down. Loved the intensity. You can sense the mutual respect between the two.

Awesome? That the officiating crew chose to selectively ignore the rules of the game of basketball to allow this to continue throughout the game? And yeah, J.E. Skeets, I can sense Garnett's respect for Calderon as he's sticking his finger in the guy's face. Whenever I really respect a guy, I clap my hands at him, and jut my finger towards his face all while talking as much smack as possible. That's actually why I'm mocking you right now, J.E. Skeets... because I respect you. I'm sure you can sense it.

I got so fired up watching these two competitors go at that I started slapping the floor like I was Garnett himself.

So that's what professional sports has come to then? We don't care about the quality of play or the closeness of the score of a game. We're not interested in feats of athleticism or brilliant execution? We get fired up over a guy talking shit and wagging his finger?

Then why isn't Terrell Owens the most beloved athlete in professional sports? How about long-time former Boston athlete, Manny Ramirez? Does he fire you up when he stands at the plate admiring his home runs? I mean, I'm sure that really pisses off the pitcher.

As a friend of mine put it, the NBA needs this type of emotion.

Let me put this as gently as I possibly can. Your friend is a fucking imbecile. The NBA needs the opposite of "this type of emotion." This type of thing is what's turning fans off to the NBA game. If this is what the game is so desperately lacking, then explain to me, why the "And 1 Mix Tape Tour" isn't the highest-rated program on TV?

What the NBA needs, is guys who play the game hard, play the game right, and don't embarrass themselves and their teams by taunting a 5'11" Spaniard for the entire third quarter.

Here's the bigger question. Why wasn't Garnett slapped with a tech for this? Or tossed?

Could it be, because he's Kevin Garnett? If this was Rasheed Wallace, do you think we'd be having this discussion? Of course not. He'd have gotten tossed immediately. I admit, that's sort of cherry-picking, because I named one of the most misbehaved athletes in the game, so lets try some other names. In fact, lets name some Celtics players.

Do you think Leon Powe, Sam Cassell, Tony Allen, Glen Davis, J.R. Giddens, Eddie House, Patrick O'Bryant, Kendrick Perkins, Gabe Pruitt, Rajon Rondo, Brian Scalabrine or Bill Walker would have gotten away with this?

Yes, that's everybody on the Celtics not named Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce or Ray Allen. So basically, isn't it almost a guaranteed fact, that the reason Garnett got a free pass for this... is because he's a star player? And the league notoriously looks the other way when star players break the rules?

This isn't about emotion or gamesmanship or getting the fans involved. It's about a very plain, very visible violation of the rules of the game. And it's about the leagues willingness to look the other way when the guy doing it is one of their "marketable star players."

Am I wrong? Drop me some comments/mail and let me know. Pornstar Names tag added, because how else can you explain "J.E. Skeets"

Political Musings? Yes We Can!

2008-11-11T11:39:00.002-05:00

Here's the thing. I did my best not to hurl my political views at you guys during the election season. And there were a few reasons for this.

1) It's not really what I'm here for. I'm here to try to make you laugh by likening the NL West to a bunch of guys swinging Screech Dildos, not to attempt to influence your voting habits.
2) I wasn't exactly thrilled with the choices in this election, again.
3) I'm not exactly a credible, authoritative source on the topic of politics.

Now that the election is over though, I'll fill you guys in on something. My guy lost. Yup, I was a McCain supporter. I won't get into why, as again, that's not what I'm here for. So, why the big lead-in? And why the sudden decision to touch politics?

Sarah is forcing my hand. She's shooting off her mouth about, who else, BLOGGERS!!!! So, how will the failed vice presidential hopeful go about bashing the haphazard interactive gangbang known as the blogosphere? What carefully crafted digs will she take at it? How will this "educated, intelligent woman" go about making her point? Keep in mind, she just ran, unsuccessfully, for the second highest office in the nation.

A few days after she called McCain campaign staffers "cowards" for criticizing her anonymously, Palin dismissed some of her critics on the other side as "bloggers in their parents' basement just talking garbage."

Booyah!! In their parents' basement just talking garbage!!! GOTCHA FUCKERS!!!! Jesus Hfucking Christ!!! Such innovation, such craft!! It's as though she's able to see right through us all!!! I give up. I can no longer blog. Blogging is dead. Upon it's headstone, the words...

In Their Parents' Basement Just Talking Garbage. - Sarah Palin

You know, while I was sitting in my mom's basement, just talking garbage on the internet the other day, I learned something new. Wanna know what it is?

Africa is actually a continent!! It's not just a group of states all mushed together to the south of Europe!! It's a continent!! LIKE AUSTRALIA!!! Did you know that Sarah Palin? What? You didn't? Well, I guess that's okay... I mean, those crazy scientists are changing their minds about what makes something a continent all the time, right?

Wait, what? They're not? Africa's been a continent FOREVER?! And everybody learns about the 7 continents in grade school? Well, shucks Sarah! I guess you should have known that then, huh?

Know what else I learned on Al Gore's Internets (TM) the other day? That the Vice President, doesn't, in fact "run the Senate" and can't "really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes." You told me that the Vice President does those things.

But everybody else says that the Vice President can really only cast the tie-breaking vote for the Senate. And since the Senate never "ties," that's basically one of the most scarcely used powers in American Government.

So wait a second. You were running for Vice President... and you didn't even know what the Vice President is Constitutionally allowed and/or required to do?

That reminds me of the time that I applied for a job as the Head Nurse at a hospital... because I thought that my job would be to get head from all the nurses! They actually called me in for an interview, and wouldn't you believe it? They started asking me all these lame medical questions and told me that I'd probably have to give sponge baths to old men. Can you believe that shit?!

I was all like, look dude, I'm just here to get blown by chicks in nurse costumes while swigging from my trusty flask of gin. You know, because nothing is more sophisticated than a flask of gin. Except for a top hat. But whatever. They called security. And it went on my permanent record.

But back to the topic at hand. Sarah Palin. Hating bloggers.

Here's the really funny thing Sarah. This is a relatively small blog. It's only been written for a little over 3 months. And in those three months, this relatively small, obscure sports-themed blog has received 54,000 views. So using some simple mathematics, we can deduce, that over a full year, at a consistent rate of viewership, this small, obscure blog will receive 216,000 views.

The high point of your political career came in 2006, when you beat Tony Knowles to win your job as the Governor of Alaska. And in that election, you received a grand total of 114,697 votes.

Again, using simple mathematics, we can learn that my small, obscure, irrelevant blog, which is written from my parents' basement... will receive 101,303 more views in a year... than you received votes to be governor. Let me break it down further, just in case you're missing my point.

My readership is bigger than the electorate of your entire fucking state, you beauty pageant bimbo. And nobody had to buy me a $150,000 wardrobe.

Moreso, you are the single greatest reason that John McCain lost this fucking election. You are a complete imbecile who lacks the most basic understanding of grade school curriculum, no less American Government.

And you seriously believe that the Republican Party is going to let you run on your own ticket in 2012? Who do you think you are? Hillary Clinton? Why don't you try spending a little more time raising your skanky trailer trash family, and a little less time swilling brewskis with Joe Sixpack and pretending to posses a fully functioning brain. You're not fooling anybody.

Your candidacy in this election was a scam. It was an attempt to lure women and disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters over to the Republican ticket. And it might even have worked, if you could have just kept your stupid fucking mouth shut and looked pretty.

Instead, you talked... and talked... and talked... and looked mavericky... and talked... and got made fun of by Tina Fey... and talked... and talked... and looked mavericky... and talked... and exposed your completely empty cranium on the world stage. You're Dan Quayle with tits.

Things Sarah Palin Can Look Forward To:

1) Being Governor of Alaska.
2) The Cover of Playboy.
3) Being a great Grandmother by age 50 when her trailer trash daughter's trailer trash daughter gets knocked up at age 12.

Things Sarah Palin Should Not Hold Her Breath Waiting for:

1) The Start of her Campaign for President of the United States of America.

I'm Mister Six, and I approve this message.

Hot Topic: Things the New York Yankees Should Not Do This Off-Season...

2008-11-04T11:50:00.006-05:00

The New York Daily News' sports cover today involved the New York Yankees and two pitchers: Jake Peavy and Carl Pavano.

The early word is that Brian Cashman is interested in cutting a deal to bring Pavano back around for another couple of years. That seemed like a really stupid idea, until I realized the following:

a) Pavano would probably only be re-signed to a bargain basement type of deal.
b) There's no way Cashman's dumb enough to actually rely on the guy. He'd sit on his ass in AAA and wait for a call as a spot starter.

So I guess, why the hell not, right? Sure, bring Carl back for another year!! But that got me thinking... what kind of things should the Yankees avoid doing at all costs? So I'm going to make a list.

1) Do not sign A.J. Burnett.

He's going to opt out. He's going to be looking for $16-18 Million per, for about 4 or 5 years. And in his 10 year career, he's made 30+ starts a grand total of twice. People are turned on by Burnett's 18 wins in 2008... but those people seem to be overlooking a couple of key numbers. Burnett's 105 ERA+ indicates that he was really only slightly better than league average... and his 1.342 WHIP is downright scary. To put this lightly, 18 wins from Burnett last year was fluky and will not be repeated any time soon. Just to be clear, we all realize that Burnett walked 86 guys last year, right? That's Oliver Perez/Barry Zito-type wildness. If that number jumps any higher, Burnett will earn the right to use the surname "Zambrano."

Still, the Yankees might go there, especially because of their long-standing tendency for going after guys who own them. In 11 career starts against the Yankees, Burnett's thrown 77 innings of 2.43 ERA baseball. To you and I, this is fluky, small sample size-type stuff that doesn't mean very much.

To a couple of kids who were raised by George Steinbrenner, I fear it could mean much more. I guess if they grab Burnett and re-sign Pavano, those dudes can chill together on the DL.

2) Do not re-sign Bobby Abreu.

What?! Doesn't that go against everything Mister Six usually digs? Guys with high OBPs? Patient hitters who take a ton of pitches? Busty Japanese girls dressed up as vampire schoolgirls for Halloween (no, I couldn't find a picture, but this will do)?

Yes, it does go against my usual beliefs, but here's why. Abreu is declining. He was solid last year, but not amazing. His BB have dropped a couple of years in a row. He's not getting any better. And there's really no room for him in my plans. I'd much rather see Nady in RF, and either Manny Ramirez or Adam Dunn in Left Field.

Manny's a freak of nature, pure and simple. I went into this yesterday.

And the case for Adam Dunn seems to be a series of sixes. He's six years younger than Abreu. He's drawn 100+ walks for 6 straight years. And he's hit 40+ homers and driven in 100+ runs in 6 straight years. Sure, Adam Dunn strikes out a lot... but because he strikes out a lot, he's hit into 14 double plays in the last 2 years combined. Abreu rolled in 14 last year alone, and 25 for the last 2 years. So in a twisted sort of way, it evens out.

3) Don't get any bright ideas about guys like Casey Blake.

Brian Cashman's usually good about this sort of thing. He doesn't usually fall into the "grit/hustle/heart" trap that lures lesser GMs to sign guys like David Eckstein, Eric Byrnes and Darren Erstad to inflated contracts despite statistical evidence that states that they're not very good at baseball, and probably won't stay healthy. Cashman's not usually the kind of guy who's out there looking to sign the next Scott Brosius.

Scottie, if you happen to browse over this, I'm not attacking you. Well... now that I look at the numbers, I guess I'm kinda going to attack you. After 1998, you weren't very good. And speaking of 1998... how did you get caught stealing 8 times in 19 attempts? That's terrible!! What idiot kept giving you the green light? You were a lot of things... but fleet of foot, you were not. Maybe somebody'll bring that up during Joe Torre's Bestest Manager in the World Induction Ceremony. "Hung Brosius out to dry 8 times in 1998. Pioneered Ozzie Guillen's Smartball Technique, where a team scores runs by getting slow-footed runners caught stealing."

Back to Casey Blake. How do I put this lightly? Casey Blake sucks at baseball. He didn't make it as a full-time guy until he was 29. Over a full season, he's going to hit about 20 homers, he's going to walk about 11 times, strike out about 120 times, and get on base about 10% less than Mark Teixeira. People are talking about Blake as a first baseman. He's played 105 out of 950 career games there. Adam Dunn has seen more games at first base than Casey Blake... and hits twice as many homers. And gets on base more. And has a cool nickname. Big Donkey. The Big Donkey vs. The Big Father, David Ortiz (sorry, I don't speak Spanish.)

4) Don't sign Derek Lowe.

I talked about this already. So I'll try to summarize.
Lowe is 35.
He pitches in the worst hitting division in baseball.
He's coming off the second-best season of his career.
And his best year since he won 21 in Boston in 2002.
And he's 35.
And pitches in the NL West.
Where instead of bats, people swing replica Dustin Diamond sex-toys.

5) Don't deal Robinson Cano or Phil Hughes.

Hughes was the top-rated pitching prospect in the country. For a while. That kind of potential doesn't fizzle out because of some minor, naggy-type injuries. Johan Santana didn't start dominating until he was 25. Josh Beckett dealt with naggy-type injuries until about the same time. Sabathia really showed what he was about at 26.

Phil Hughes is going to be 23. It's too early to give up on him. Period.

Robinson Cano is 25. He's a career .303/.335/.468 hitter. He has developing power. He struggled last year, which means one of two things. Either... he's a fluke who will never produce again.... or he had a bad year after signing a big contract extension. We should examine that over the next year, and make a determination regarding which it is.

My guess is, Cano bounces back, bats .300/.350/.500 with 40+ doubles, 20+ homers, and 90+ RBIs. The question is... would you rather him do that in New York or San Diego?

If the Padres really want to deal Jake Peavy, offer them an all-you-can-eat-buffet of second-tier prospects. Brett Gardner, Melky Cabrera, Alan Horne, Darrel Rasner, Dellin Betances, Andrew Brackman, Humberto Sanchez, anybody named Duncan, Juan Miranda... Ian Kennedy?

No Hughes. No Cano. No Jesus Montero. No Chamberlain. And no Austin Jackson.

Peavy's coming from the NL West (See: Derek Lowe), so in the AL East, there's a pretty good chance that his ERA's going to bump up by about a run and a half... and if it does, do we really want to watch Phil Hughes winning 20 games a year pitching in the AAAA NL West?

My Morals are Dying As I Write This...

2008-11-03T17:05:00.003-05:00

I'm just going to go ahead and glob a few thoughts together here. All of them feel wrong in my heart, and yet seem terribly obvious to my brain. I never, in a million years, imagined I'd say any of these things... so rather than just spitting out one of them... I'm going to put them all out in the open.

1) The Yankees should sign Manny Ramirez.

Why? Because he'd be incredible in New York. He'd get 19 games a year to remind the Red Sox what a horrible mistake they made by letting him leave, and if his performance in Los Angeles is any indication of what he's capable of when happy and motivated to stick it to the Red Sox, he'd probably win the Triple Crown in his first season in New York. Is he a giant boogie man? Yes, he is, but in case you hadn't noticed, Alex Rodriguez is sorta turning into a boogie man... so maybe Man-Ram would even succeed in taking some pressure off of Fragile-Rod's delicate psyche, especially in these trying times during which A-Rod has to learn the principles of Kabbalah while retaining his home-run swing.

2) The NFL was too hard on Adam (Don't Call me Pacman) Jones.

Did I say something about this before? Yeah. Did anybody ever bother to consider that the guy might have a drinking problem? And that the vast majority of his problems might have been occurring while he was intoxicated? Doesn't the NFL have some degree of obligation to look out for this guy's well-being, rather than just labeling him as a bad guy, and looking for ways to throw him out of the league? And here's the bigger question... if Adam Jones was a white guy, do you think Roger Goodell would still have this giant, obvious boner for trying to throw him out of the league? What if he was a white Quarterback, instead of a black Cornerback? Still?

More the case, Jones got into a scrap with a bodyguard. The bodyguard was an employee of the Dallas Cowboys, assigned to look after Jones. So at worst, isn't this a team matter? And shouldn't the Dallas Cowboys be entirely in charge of how it's resolved? Yes, there was an altercation, and yes, police were called. Was an arrest made? Nope. And aren't people in this country supposed to be "innocent until proven guilty"?

By that logic, isn't it then impossible for Jones to have been guilty of anything, if he was not arrested and charges were not filed?

3) Stephon Marbury needs to play for the Knicks, like, immediately.

Benching him for the first game was stupid. Moving him to the inactive list was moronic and inexcusable. And keeping him there... probably makes the baby Jesus cry. I'm not even exaggerating.

I understand that Mike D'Antoni's logic is, that since Marbury won't be here beyond this year, the minutes are better spent "developing" players who will be here. There's a problem with that logic though...

The guys who are playing instead of Marbury aren't going to develop into anything special. Anthony Roberson is an undrafted free agent who got a 2-year contract for playing well in the summer league. And Mardy Collins is a late first rounder with almost zero potential. And Chris Duhon is garbage, pure and simple, garbage. None of these guys have the jumpshot to be productive in D'Antoni's offense, regardless.

Marbury, on the other hand, has played the part of "good soldier" the whole way. He's said all the right things. And on top of that, he came to camp in terrific shape, worked his ass off in the pre-season, and showed the ability to grasp the offense to some degree. He's done everything he possibly can to distance himself from the last couple of years.

Show me one team, in the history of the NBA, that's won games while it's best player was a healthy scratch. In fact, show me one team in professional sports history, that's ever deactivated their best player and improved as a result. That's what the Knicks are doing.

They claim to want to trade Marbury. And how, exactly, are you going to trade a guy who's not playing? If Marbury were to see 10 minutes a game, and he played well, looked rejuvenated, had his old quickness back, along with that relentless drive... wouldn't his value increase? Wouldn't it become easier to move his $22 Million expiring contract? Couldn't you even, perhaps, bring back something of value for him?

These three points go against everything I feel like I should know about professional sports by now, but they seem to need to be said.

On a Personal Note...

2008-10-19T15:59:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I proposed to my girlfriend. And she said yes. So we're quite well on the way to making her Mrs. Six. Just figured I'd share that with you all.

Especially you, Sal Sessa. I know you're still popping in occasionally.

I'll get back to bitterly bashing bad journalism as soon as possible.

Manny the Bastard! More Amazing Spin!!

2008-10-16T11:46:00.004-04:00

Yup, right here. Bob Lobel of OT Boston (who?) thinks that Manny should be banned from the game for his "re-enactment of the 1919 Black Sox Scandal."

So yes, basically more sour grapes coming out of Boston. And yes, that makes this post blog-on-blog crime. And I'm not sorry.

Remember the eight players from the 1919 Black Sox who threw the World Series for money? Perhaps one of the original Black Sox came back as Manny. "Shoeless Joe," back as "Clueless Manny." Black Sox outfielder Oscar Felsch, known as "Happy," back as "Dopey."

No, I don't remember the eight players from the 1919 Black Sox. How old are you?

And secondly, who paid Manny to throw games? You want to ban the guy from baseball for "not hustling"? Okay... then I guess we should strip the Red Sox of the 2004 and 2007 World Series titles... since one of the keys to them winning those series, was a player who cheated and violated the rules and all this and that, and should be banned, right? No? You don't want to give back those titles? Then shut the fuck up.

Shoeless Joe as Clueless Manny? Nah. More like apples to oranges. Nobody paid Manny to do this. It wasn't organized by the mob. And moreso, the Sox didn't have to trade him. Despite all the press, they could have kept him, continued to endure his antics... and come post-season time, with another title in sight, he'd have done exactly what he did in Los Angeles.... for Boston.

It was dissatisfaction with $15,000 back in 1919 and displeasure with $20 million to $40 million in 2008.

It was dissatisfaction with $15,000... and the fact that the fucking mob was involved. Supplying money. Paying these guys a lot of money to throw the games, so they could turn a profit.

Manny's "displeasure with $20 to $40 million in 2008" isn't why he did this. He was being disrespected by that organization in every way. For years. He's watched "Boston Heroes" like Pedro Martinez, Keith Foulke, Derek Lowe, Mark Bellhorn, Bill Mueller, Nomar Garciaparra, Johnny Damon, Trot Nixon, Kevin Millar and Bronson Arroyo get lowballed, cut and traded over the last few years, in favor of whatever "newer better model" Theo wanted to build upon.

He knew he was going to get a shittty lowball offer, or hung out to dry in some other unceremonious way, and he was going to be left to pick up the pieces in the off-season, so he did what people do in professional sports. He looked out for #1.

The word out of Boston for the last 3 or 4 years, has been that Manny's not happy. Manny wants to be traded. Manny hates playing in Boston. And yet, year after year, Manny put up numbers, made that team competitive, and knocked the cover off the ball in the post-season.

Now he's gone, and Boston's on their way out the door. So cry me a fucking river.

Their strategy: Play less -- for more pay. And, 89 years later, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Manny's strategy wasn't "Play less -- for more pay." His strategy was "get the fuck out of Boston, and go somewhere where they appreciate me, and then play more!"

Lets make this clear. Manny's probably going to get some sucker to shell out 7 years, at $20 Million per, because of what he did in August and September in Los Angeles. Manny could have stayed in Boston, batted .400 with 20 homers and 50 RBI for the last 50 games, batted .550 in the playoffs... and gotten the same money.

He didn't NEED a trade to boost his value by going batshit insane for 2 months. He wanted out of Boston, because the organization didn't appreciate him, and didn't treat him with respect.

Fast-forward to a new super Hall of Fame ballot before the Baseball Writers of America. (By the way, and it's not only my observation, I believe the electors would have trouble passing over the famous Hall of Fame character clause.) Here is the super ballot of villains before us today:
Pete Rose
Barry Bonds
Roger Clemens
Manny Ramirez

So... let me get this straight.
Pete Rose bet on baseball games... but that's cool.
And Barry Bonds broke US Law, by taking an illegal substance. And then broke US Law by lying about it. And broke US Laws by not paying his taxes. And that's cool too.
And Roger Clemens did all the stuff that Barry Bonds did. Plus he lied to Congress about it. And none off these are problems...

But Manny Ramirez... didn't hustle. And orchestrated his way out of Boston. And it hurt the Boston Red Sox. And that's the guy you want to go after? Do you even pretend to have a neutral, non-homer opinion?

By your logic, Carlos Delgado should also be thrown out of the game for what he did in New York this year.

He played like complete shit under Willie Randolph. He didn't hit, he didn't hustle, he did nothing. And as soon as Randolph got fired... Delgado caught fire! That means that he didn't hustle for Randolph, and therefore, he should be banned for life.

Do you know how many other examples of this I can give you?

In 2004, Adrian Beltre hit 48 homers and batted .334/.388/.629 for the Dodgers, with 121 RBI and 32 doubles.

The Seattle Mariners rewarded him with a big, fat contract. And since then, he's never hit close to .300, and his home run totals are 19, 25, 26 and 25.

So basically, Adrian Beltre played really hard during his walk-year... in order to get a big fat contract... and then he never hustled again. Should we also ban him? And everybody else who has a career-year during a contract year... then reverts to being shitty?

Where do we draw the line? Wait... let me answer that.

We only punish guys who screw over the Boston Red Sox... right Bob?

This entire article is a bad analogy, so that tag's been added. Thanks to Jane for the tip.

Heyyyy... Do You Remember This?

2008-10-14T17:16:00.003-04:00

And speaking of Batman... do you remember this?

I'm pondering this new Adam Jones suspension... cuz actually, I might be flip-flopping to say that the league is now picking on the guy... gonna sleep on it. Yeah.

Joe Torre!! JOE TORRE!! Give Me a Fucking Break!

2008-10-09T11:40:00.003-04:00

Can everybody please stop fellatiating Joe Torre, for chrissake?! It's seriously starting to piss me off. In the last two weeks, I've read more glowing reviews of his work in Los Angeles than I read in 5 years in New York, when he got his hands on 4 rings with the Yankees.

The Dodgers aren't winning because of Joe Torre. They're winning in spite of him. Lets run down a list of factors in this.

1) Manny Ramirez played 53 games in Los Angeles. He batted .396/.489/.743 with 17 homers and 53 RBI in that time. He was worth a run a fucking game!!! Pre-Manny, the Dodgers were a .500 team. With Manny, they were STILL only 6 games over .500... which brings us to #2.

2) They play in the NL West. This is, by far, the worst division in baseball. Everybody sucks. Look at how many games the San Francisco Giants won this year. Now name 3 good baseball players on that roster. I dare you. You can't do it! That division is awful. The Baltimore Orioles could have won that division. The Kansas City Royals could have won that division. The Toronto Blue Jays would have won 100+ games if they played half their games in that division.

3) Look at the at bats that Andruw Jones, Nomar Garciaparra and Juan Pierre took this year. And consider that you could have gotten better production from a kid at Triple A... because Joe Torre notoriously sucks up to veterans at the cost of younger, more talented players.

Facts being facts, if the Dodgers were in any other division in baseball they wouldn't be in the playoffs. In fact, the AL West is the only division where they'd even rank as high as second!!

Here's the Dodger's placement, based on their record, by division.

AL East - 5th Place, 13 games back of 1st Place, Tampa Bay.
AL Central - 3rd Place, 5 games back of 1st Place, Chicago.
AL West - 2nd Place, 16 games back of 1st Place, Los Angels of Anaheim via Kentucky University of Georgia.

NL East - 4th Place, 8 games back of 1st Place, Philadelphia.
NL Central - 5th Place, 13 games back of 1st Place, Choke-ago Curses.

Here's a list of teams that missed the playoffs with a better record than the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Record GB Team
89-73 - New York Mets
89-73 - New York Yankees
88-75 1.5 Minnesota Twins
86-75 2.5 Houston Astros
86-76 3.0 St. Louis Cardinals
86-76 3.0 Toronto Blue Jays
84-77 4.5 Florida Marlins
84-78 5.0 Los Angeles Joe Torres

So I guess what we're really dealing with is this simple fact.

When Joe Torre is your coach, your team gets to choose which division it plays in.

Something for Met Fans to Cheer About!

2008-10-02T16:22:00.003-04:00

A Mets player has finally executed a successful Hit-and-Run!!

Congrats to Ambiorix Burgos on this landmark accomplishment. And we hope to see him when he gets out of the clink in 20 or 30 years with good behavior.

And I thought Brian Bannister had a down year.

Fixing The Mets & Yankees! With Grit and Hustle!!!

2008-10-02T11:32:00.004-04:00

Apparently the hot topic after both New York baseball teams failed to make the playoffs, is how to fix their rosters. I know it's the hot topic, because yesterday, I found like 600 articles about it. I really think the heads of sports in New York told all their writers on Tuesday to write something about this. And I don't think the journalists were cool with the idea, because none of them seemed to put even a slight bit of thought into the process. Here are the three we're going to deal with... all at once... because they're all stupid, and all similar:

Daily News's Bill Madden on the Yankees
Daily News's John Harper on the Mets
Newsday's Ken Davidoff on Both!!

We'll start with Bill Madden, who's usually a pretty smart guy, but very clearly lays an egg this time out.

Madden suggests the following:

Trade Robinson Cano and Phil Hughes to Colorado for Matt Holliday.
Sign Orlando Hudson to replace Cano at Second Base.
Don't sign Mark Teixeira.
Play Jorge Posada at First Base.
Sign Greg Zaun to back up Jose Molina at catcher.
Trade for David DeJesus (from Kansas City), specifically because he batted .419 with runners in scoring position this year.
Dump Bobby Abreu, trade Hideki Matsui, and DH Johnny Damon.
Avoid CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett.
Sign Derek Lowe, "who, at 35, has suddenly taken on the look of an ace."
Sign Oliver Perez to "crazy money for (a) middle-of-the-rotation starter."

Robinson Cano is going to be 26 next year. He's a career .303/.335/.468 hitter at second base, and has decent, developing power. Defensively, he's better than adequate, and his games totals for the last 2 years are 159 and 160, so he's pretty durable.

Phil Hughes is going to be 23 next year, and was considered to be the best pitching prospect in baseball a couple of years ago. He got hurt last year, and hurt again this year. When he came back from his injury, he looked good. It seems a bit early to give up on the kid to me.

In return for this, you're going to get Matt Holliday. He's sick good... at Coors field (.357/.423/.645 at Coors for his career). However... on the road he turns into Hideki Matsui. Yup, on the road, Holliday is .280/.348/.455 for his career. So if Holliday comes to the Yankees, how many games per year is he going to play at Coors Field? Probably none... so is this really a good idea? I don't fucking think so Bill Madden. Did you bother to look at Holliday's home/away splits? No, you didn't.

Orlando Hudson is going to look for somebody to overpay him. He's a great defensive second baseman, but a pretty average hitter(.282/.346/.433, OPS+ 99). He's a downgrade from Cano (career OPS+ 110). And in 6 full seasons, he's played 142, 135, 131, 157, 139, and 107 games. So with one exception, he misses at least 20 games a year, every year. And he's going to be 31. I'm going to say no to Orlando Hudson. This is a stupid idea.

Mark Teixeira hit .308/.410/.552 this year, with 33 homers and 41 doubles. He's sick fucking good no matter where he plays. And he's a good first baseman. And you don't want him why?

Instead, you want Posada... who's played 130 innings of First Base in his 14-year career? And you want to replace his offensive production behind the plate with Jose Molina (career OPS+ 62) and Greg Zaun (career OPS+ 90)? Isn't the fact that the Yankees got NOTHING offensively from the Catcher position part of what doomed them this year? You want to do that... AGAIN?

I like David DeJesus. He's a Bronx guy. He's also appeared in 96, 122, 119, 157 and 135 games in his career. He doesn't stay on the field. And he's pretty much an average hitter. Melky Cabrera can probably give you the production that DeJesus will. Unless you believe that DeJesus is going to hit .419 with RSIP every year... in which case, you're a moron and I can't help you. And also, statistics now hate you for manipulating them in this horrible way. I hope you're happy.

Derek Lowe did not look like "an ace" this year. He went 14-11 with a 3.24 ERA and a 1.133 WHIP. He had a 136 ERA+, which is good... until you consider that he pitches for the Dodgers, in the NL West. The NL West is the worst division in baseball, and more specifically, the worst HITTING division in baseball. You want to move him over to the BEST hitting division in baseball? And you expect him to duplicate these results? Oh... and he's going to be 36... and looking for a 3-year contract? How good do you expect him to be at 39?

Oliver Perez was 10-7 this year with a 4.22 ERA and a 1.402 WHIP. In the NL East, those numbers are pretty god-awful. Yes, he has potential and a live arm. We've always known that. He also walked a career-high 105 guys this year. ONE. HUNDRED. AND. FIVE. WALKS. No thanks.

Next up, John Harper on the Mets (Don't worry, it gets easier):

Be open to trading David Wright or Jose Reyes.
Don't pick up Delgado's Option.
Play Daniel Murphy at First Base.
Dump Luis Castillo.
Sign Orlando Hudson.
Sign Raul Ibanez.
Dump Pedro and Oliver Perez.
Sign Derek Lowe.
Trade for JJ Putz (from Seattle).

Trading David Wright or Jose Reyes would be the dumbest imaginable thing the Mets could do. They'll never get equal value for either of their young, cheap superkids. And why make a trade if it doesn't improve your team in ANY WAY?

Carlos Delgado sucked for 4 months. And then he turned into Barry Bonds circa 2002 for 2 months. You want to let him walk? You don't think they should pick up the option, and then look to trade him, the way the Yankees did with Gary Sheffield? That way they can get something in return for him?

Daniel Murphy at First Base.... hmm....why could this possibly be a bad idea? Maybe because the entirity of his major league experience consists of 130 at bats in August and September? You really want to entrust one of the cornerstones of your offense to a 23-year old who's cup of coffee impressed you? Good luck with that.

You're dumping Luis Castillo because he's expensive, injury-proned and he can't hit, which caused the fans to hate him. And you're paying his salary so a team will take him. And then you want to sign Orlando Hudson... who's going to be expensive... and is injury-proned... and who doesn't hit that much either? So let me get this straight... you're dumping 2008 Luis Castillo... and signing 2009 Luis Castillo?

Raul Ibanez is 37. Didn't the Mets start 2007 and 2008 with Moises Alou? Because he's old... but he's a great hitter when he's healthy? Was he ever healthy? Yeah, Ibanez is a solid hitter, and I'm sure he's a wonderful guy. If you're the Mets... and you fielded the oldest team in baseball in 2008, shouldn't you be trying to get a little younger?

Derek Lowe: See Above. What's with these people and Derek Lowe?

JJ Putz rocks. He's a good relief pitcher/closer. I like him. Who do the Mets give up, to get him? He's cheap and good, and I'm guessing the Mariners will get better offers than "Fernando Martinez."

Last up, Ken Davidoff (again, most of his suggestions are the same):

Mets
Sign Francisco Rodriguez and Darren Oliver.
Dump Ayala, Heilman, Sanchez and Schoeneweis.
Dump Castillo. Give Second Base to Daniel Murphy.
Dump Pedro.
Don't sign Manny Ramirez. Get Juan Rivera and Fernando Tatis instead.
Don't sign Damaso Marte or trade for Huston Street.
Look for more guys like Brian Stokes.
Sign Wes Helms, because he hit a homer in the last game.
Sign Oliver Perez, Jon Garland or Derek Lowe.

Yankees
Get Derek Lowe for $15M a year.
Guilt Pettitte into returning for $10M.
Melky, Damon and Brett Gardner share Centerfield in 2009.
Keep Cano, unless you can trade him for Matt Cain or Jake Peavy.
Don't sign CC Sabathia or AJ Burnett.
Don't re-sign Giambi.
Sign Casey Blake to play First Base.

You want to pay $20 Million a year for Francisco Rodriguez? While you're still paying $10+ Million for Billy Wagner? So you're going to spend $30 Million on the 9th inning? That's fucking madness. Do I need to explain why?

Darren Oliver is 38. That's scary-old to sign a pitcher. And he's a lefty specialist. The Mets already have a lefty specialist named Pedro Feliciano, who's 6 years younger and better against Lefties. The manager just needs to understand that Feliciano shouldn't pitch to righties. Ever.

Castillo -> David Murphy: See above.

Manny: .332/.430/.601, 36 2B, 37 HR.
Juan Rivera: .246/.282/.438, 13 2B, 12 HR.
Fernando Tatis: Old. Flukey.

Huston Street: Closer, 24 years old, career ERA+ 148.
Brian Stokes: 28 years old, career ERA+ 78, released by Tampa Bay.

Wes Helms: .243/.299/.347 (OPS+ 72). But go ahead and sign him because he knocked you out of the playoffs. Maybe in 2009 you can miss the playoffs because of the hits he DOESN'T get.

Perez/Lowe: See above.
Jon Garland: 90 strikeouts this year. 98 strikeouts last year. Career ERA+ 103. Although I'd probably take him over Lowe or Perez.

And now for the Yankees:

Lowe: See above again. These guys fucking love Derek Lowe.

Andy Pettitte sucked balls this year. And he knows it. You wouldn't have to "guilt him" into taking $10 Million dollars to pitch next season. He'd probably suck Hank Steinbrenner's cock for that contract offer right now.

Johnny Damon breaks down in CF. Melky was awful. And Gardner can't hit. And that's your plan? That seems sound enough.

So you're going to keep Robinson Cano unless someone offers you Jake Peavy or Matt Cain for him? In other words... you're going to keep Robinson Cano. Good, I agree with you. But for the record, nobody would ever be drunk or stupid enough to offer Peavy or Cain for him.

AJ Burnett's won/lost record this year is going to land him a big contract. And it shouldn't, because he wasn't that great, truth be told. I agree that the Yankees should stay away from him. But why in the blue FUCK shouldn't they go after CC Sabathia? Did you watch any baseball games this year? Or last year? How about in 2006? Did you watch baseball then? Have you ever actually watched a baseball game, dude? Yeah, he's thrown a ton of innings. Yeah, he might break down. After passing on Santana for the same reasons, the Yankees CAN FUCKING NOT afford to let Sabathia get away. It's not about trading talent this time. It's just money. The Yankees can afford the salary whether Sabathia gets hurt or not. This is a no-brainer for anyone who isn't on the payroll of Derek Lowe.

Casey Blake at First Base? You do realize that Giambi spends more time on the basepaths than Casey Blake, right? And he hits more home runs? And defensively, it's probably a wash, since Blake's only played 105 games at First Base in his career? I'll say this again... how about if the Yankees go after Mark Teixeira... who's good defensively, and hits more than Casey Blake and Jason Giambi combined?

I'm going to sleep. Yes, it's 12:41 in the afternoon. But I'm exhausted now. Later.

Quick Note on Cedric Benson...

2008-10-02T11:15:00.004-04:00

Didn't get a chance to write about this yesterday. Cedric Benson got picked up.

By.... THE BENGALS!!! Yes indeed!! If you had the Bengals in the pool, you've won a nice prize!! I mean, this really came down to the Bengals and the Cowboys from the start, didn't it? But yeah... we finally have resolve to this situation.

On a side note, I wonder why the Bengals have so many personnel problems in their organization.

Moreso... Benson was driving to sign his new contract and was stopped for a 4-yard loss.

Even I'm Not a Big Enough Asshole to Make 9/11 Jokes...

2008-09-29T09:41:00.003-04:00

But the guys at SeahawksHuddle.com are... Deadspin broke the story, as usual.

Hat tip to Saih for letting me know about it, and I have to apologize, because I just don't really know what to say about this.

Okay, yeah, actually I do. Are these people complete fucking idiots? I'll be the first person to admit that being a jerkoff on purpose is a great way to get some publicity and attention... but do you really want to be the 9/11 joke site?

SeahawksHuddle.com, congratulations... because you're now the top rated Seahawks fansite in Afghanistan. That should be good for about 11 hits a month. Which is 5 times as many as most fansites for the SEAHAWKS take.. in a YEAR.

Do the Seattle Seahawks even have fans? I mean, really... those aren't cardboard cutouts in the stands during home games?

Seriously though, let me break this down for a second. On the topic of 9/11... yes, some New Yorkers have milked the sympathy a little bit. And politicians (yes I mean you, Rudy Giuliani) have totally exploited the situation. The memorials and the remembrance and shit has gone a little too far, and it does get annoying. The way the media covers 9/11, it's almost like suffering through it happening over and over again every year. And that's wrong.

But that doesn't make it right to crack asinine jokes about it. Maybe in 20 years or so, sufficient time will have passed, where you can casually drop a 9/11 joke, or use the WTC as a punchline for something.

Sorta like saying that your drunk buddy was "more bombed than Pearl Harbor!" Yeah, it only took 50 years for that one to become acceptable.

Make you a deal. When Ben Affleck stars in a movie about it, you can let loose with the jokes. Until then, shut your fucking mouths. Seriously.

Ultimately, the biggest joke of all is that you're Seattle Fucking Seahawk fans. Mmkay? And yet, New Yorkers are kind enough not to constantly shove our newly polished Lombardi Trophy in your face.

Hey... where's your Lombardi Trophy? Ohhhhh!! That's right!! It's in Pittsburgh.

In My Comments Today!!

2008-09-26T10:35:00.003-04:00

Some random idiot decided to leave a comment on my June 2nd post, where I made fun of a Kurt Cobain Conspiracy Theorist... and here it is, so you don't have to dig for it...

MIKAL said...
Hey Fuck Head. Kurt was MURDERED. trying debateing me aout it and ill tear you a new asshole. you cant win. trust me. KURT WAS MURDERED.

First and foremost, let me get this straight Mikal... you're slinging personal threats at an ANONYMOUS BLOGGER... who's identity you'll never have a method of learning? You fucking terrify me dude. That's it, I'm shutting down the blog and never going near a computer again. It's all too real now... and I'm scared.

Secondly, just say the word, and I'll TELL YOU who I am, and you can come try to "rip me a new asshole." My guess is that you're about 25 years old, you work in some form of physical labor, whether construction or contracting of some kind, or something more specified, and you've probably questioned your sexuality enough to have experimented with men in the past.

And thirdly, I'm so terribly sorry to break this to you, but Kurt Cobain committed suicide. You're a fucking wackaloon. You're the kind of conspiracy-believing imbecile who thinks that 9/11 was an inside job because you saw photoshopped pictures of the planes on the internet. If you had been born in the 60's, you'd probably believe that Elvis was still alive.

Kurt Cobain was a heroin addict. He went into hiding to try to clean up and couldn't handle the physical and emotional turmoils, and shot himself in the face. It's not fucking science, and murder isn't that easy to cover up.

That said, I'm a big fan of Cobain's music, and I think it's deeply insulting that a small number of stupid wackos refuse to let the man rest in peace, and continue to sully his name with these unfounded accusations and their refusal to believe the simple truth. This man decided to end his life, and the world at large should just accept that.

And if you want to debate me, I suggest that you learn, at least, how to spell.

Gehrig vs. Jeter? Why Would You Bother?

2008-09-25T10:40:00.002-04:00

Those who know me will tell you that I'm usually not too eager to defend Derek Jeter's merits as a ballplayer. I think the media says more than enough about a guy who's making $19 Million a year for 150 singles and below-average defense. However, I spotted something in my local newspaper that I couldn't resist. We again, turn our attention to the editorial section of the New York Daily News, for this nugget of wisdom from Ralph Buffalino:

Consider The Stats
Farmingdale, L.I.: Being a Yankee fan, I'm not taking anything away from Derek Jeter, but consider that when Lou Gehrig played, there were only 154 games a year, not 162. multiply that eight additional games a year by 12 years. that's 96 games. That's a lot more at-bats.

So yes, we're talking about Jeter's new "Yankee Stadium Hits Record" and it's legitimacy.

Consider that Gehrig was baseball's original Iron Man. In fact, his nickname was The Iron Horse, and the guy rarely, if ever, missed a game.

Then consider that Jeter missed 43 games in 2003 with a shoulder separation suffered when Blue Jays catcher, Ken Huckaby divebombed him at 3rd Base (and yes, I remembered that it was Huckaby without looking it up.)

Also, yes, the season is 8 games longer than it used to be. Presumably that's 4 home games, and 4 road games. So that margin of 96 games is instantly trimmed to only 48.

Furthermore, factor into this equation that Jeter has been forced by his coaches over the years, to take the occasional day off.

Ultimately, Jeter has a total of 9091 career plate appearances as a major leaguer. Gehrig had 9660 plate appearances. There are no split-stats on Gehrig to look at for specifics, but if anything, Gehrig probably had slightly more Yankee Stadium at-bats than Jeter.

Am I trying to shit on Lou Gehrig? Hells no. I'm simply point out the futility of this person's argument and the sentiment that Jeter somehow isn't deserving of this "record."

If you want evidence that Gehrig was clearly the better ballplayer, you need look no further than his 493 career home runs (287 more than Jeter) and his career .340/.447/.632 (OPS+ 179). Jeter sits at a less-impressive .316/.387/.458 (OPS+ 121).

Lou Gehrig was an absolute beast. He was an incredible baseball player by any standards by which a baseball player has ever been measured, or ever will be measured. Gehrig OPS'd over 1.000... for his ENTIRE CAREER. That is immense. He drew almost 2 walks for every strikeout. And he struck out less than once, for every 10 at bats.

Not to mention the fact that he batted .295/.410/.523 with 29 homers and 114 RBI in 1938... while suffering the advancing effects of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, the disease that ultimately killed him soon after.

Gehrig's performance in 1938 has got to be the greatest act of human resilience in the history of professional sports.

And the irony is, that while we know now that ALS was killing Gehrig in 1938, he just thought that he was declining with age.

Something That Really Shocks Me!!

2008-09-24T10:28:00.004-04:00

A lot of things have happened in the world over the last 24 hours, there have been some very important developments, but none that rocked the very fabric of my being quite the way that this news did.

I just want to say that I never saw this coming. Clay Aiken is gay?! You have to be kidding me!! He's so masculine!! I mean, for me, Clay Aiken has always embodied what it means to be a heterosexual male!! What will our society do, now that this pillar of machismo has fallen?

I'm predicting that there will be riots, and that the NFL will go on strike, as hundreds of gridiron jocks are left without their last great male role model.

What's next guys? Chuck Norris in the emergency room with a gerbil up his ass? I just don't know what to do now that Clay Aiken is gay.

Okay, enough of the sarcasm. I just checked with one of my co-workers about this, and we both thought that Aiken came out of the closet a couple of months ago. Personally, I thought that was the reason Aiken was on American Idol to begin with.

And in other news, I'm bored.

If you're reading this post, you should drop me a line and say hello. Talk to me, seriously. I want to know who you crazy bastards are!! So go to your e-mail of choice, and write something, and send it to primeoffense@yahoo.com. Or I will never forgive any of you.

OMG THE METS ARE CHOKING!!

2008-09-23T12:28:00.004-04:00

I should probably preface this by, again, stating that I'm a Yankees fan and saying that, yes, my team does suck this year. Hughes and Kennedy were a big let-down, and injuries to Wang, Chamberlain, Posada, Matsui and A-Rod were too much to overcome. The statements that will follow, about the New York Mets, have nothing to do with me being a fan of the Yankees, and are offered only as honest analysis. With some satire. If these assertions piss you off, you really should get some thicker skin, or a helmet. Or maybe some orthodontic headgear. Or Fudgeboots! Okay, now I'm just being silly. But seriously, Fudgeboots! Think about it.

The New York Mets are not choking, and this is not a "repeat of September 2007" as many people are saying.

The New York Mets are just a bad baseball team. Yup, there it is. I said it.

The Mets were 14-12 on May 1st. They were 28-27 on June 1st. And they were 41-42 on July 1st.

They got hot in July and August, going 36-18 over that stretch, and since September 1st, they're 9-9. The bottom line is that this is a .500 team. They got hot and overachieved for about a month and a half, and now they've reverted to being a .500 team. Why?

Well, lets start with the most glaring problem, that horrific fucking bullpen. Sure, the injury to Wagner hurts a lot, but even with him, this is a bad bullpen, especially since he's not exactly Mr. Clutch.

The outfield's pretty bad after Beltran. Second base is a mess. The Catcher position produces almost nothing. And especially now, with John Maine out of the rotation, there's not much beyond Santana.

So Mister Six... if this team is such utter shit, then why are the in the race for a playoff spot?

Is this the question you're dying to ask? Take a good look at the NL East. The Marlins were in the picture until recently. Yes, the Marlins... with their $0.47 payroll and roster full of AAA players. The Phillies are inconsistent as shit, and never seem to be playing to their potential.

And as for the Wild Card race... the NL West is pitifully bad, so no challenges are coming from there.

If anybody is pulling a "2007 Mets" this year, it's the Milwaukee Brewers, hence the fact that they're lagging in the Wild Card race.

The bottom line though, is that any way you slice it, this isn't a "choke" or "collapse" by the Mets if they miss the playoffs. This is a team that's not very good... overachieving for about 6 or 7 weeks, and at least making the season interesting for their fans.

Which is a lot more than the Yankees bothered to do this year.

Something Positive For a Change!

2008-09-19T12:57:00.004-04:00

Check it out! Oscar Diaz came out of his coma!

For those of you who weren't aware of this story, Diaz is a 25 year old welterweight boxer from San Antonio, Texas.

He was unable to leave his corner following the 11th round of a fight with Delvin Rodriguez a couple of months ago, eventually collapsing in the ring. He ended up in the hospital with a severe brain injury, had surgery, and spent 2 months in a coma. And now he's awake.

So yeah, grats to Oscar Diaz, and lots of luck in your continued recovery dude.

The Problem with Sportswriting.

2008-09-19T10:58:00.004-04:00

I guess I'll preface this by saying that this is a rare serious post for this site, and something that bothers me about sports. I ranted this morning to my girlfriend about this topic, because it came up in the combination of the Jay Mariotti situation, and the resolve of A-Rod's divorce.

The fact of the matter is that sportswriting has changed drastically over the last 20 years or so. It's driven too much by sensationalism and the desperate need to sell newspapers and draw ratings.

Historically, sportswriters had access to athletes because there was a rapport and a trust. These days, players are mandated by their respective leagues to talk to reporters and typically fined when they refuse... but why would anybody WANT to talk to the media? The vast majority of what's written about athletes is negative, and in the cases of writers like Mike Lupica and Jay Mariotti, even articles that claim to "praise" an athlete come with backhanded attacks at that player's shortcomings and failures. It's as if it's genuinely impossible for this crop of writers to actually LIKE ANYBODY!

And moreso, the eagerness of these people to break the next big story, whether it's extramarital affairs, steroids, or unfounded and unproven accusations against someone, has exposed us to a world of things that we probably never needed to know, and that we'd probably enjoy the games better if we didn't.

Mickey Mantle was a rampant alcoholic and Babe Ruth frequented prostitutes, and the guys who made their living following them around never made a peep about it. Why? For two reasons:

1) A trust existed. Writers were given access by the players and teams because they trusted that certain things, especially the embarrassing stuff, would be kept quiet. A sportswriter's very living depended on being trusted enough to be allowed to travel with the team, and being able to get close to those guys. If a writer embarrassed the players on his home team unnecessarily, he had to deal with those players, and the consequences of his actions.

2) More importantly, there was a sense of responsibility. Children idolized Mickey Mantle and Babe Ruth. They were role models. And while they might not have been exemplary human beings, nobody needed to know that. It was better to let everybody think they were model citizens.

Everybody points to the fact that athletes can't be role models any more, that they fail miserably. Do you really believe that this is the product of "today's athletes?" The stars of days past were just as big of assholes as the guys we've got today. The difference is that you didn't hear about it. Private matters were kept private.

As "morally reprehensible" as the steroid situation may have been, who's business was it really? People point to the health risks... but who's going to have to deal with those health risks? The players who choose to take steroids! If Roger Clemens wants to shoot himself in the ass with poison so that he can play one more year of baseball, and do the only thing he's ever loved a little longer, who am I to criticize that? He's risking his own health and well-being, not mine.

People say that it encourages kids to take steroids... but until the story was broken, kids didn't know it was happening! So who's really doing the harm here?

If Alex Rodriguez cheats on his wife, is that really any of my business? Isn't that a private matter between Alex and Cynthia Rodriguez? Is he really the first professional athlete to ever do this? Why does his image have to be tainted over it?

The bottom line is that people are less interested and passionate about sports these days. And it's not the fault of stat-geeks. It's the fault of the mass media. They taint and destroy our heroes in favor of selling a few papers or driving up their ratings. The fact of the matter is that we're too involved in the private lives of strangers, and it's taking the fun out of sports.

As I've said before, I'm a Yankee fan, and I can remember what it was like to cheer for my team, and not feel guilty about it.

These days, I watch a Yankee game, and I feel like a moron for cheering for Jason Giambi and Andy Pettitte because they used steroids. And I feel stupid for pulling for A-Rod, because he cheats on his wife. And then Jeter comes up to bat, and I worry that he's too busy dating models to hit a baseball. Then Cano boots a ground ball and I wonder if it's because he's too busy thinking about ways to spend the money from his new contract!

We know too much about these people. I remember watching games and being 100% behind the guys on my team, being completely unaware of all the other bullshit, because it didn't matter. It wasn't too long ago. Was it?

I remember a story that I heard not too long ago, but for the life of me, I can't remember the name of the photographer involved. It centers around the 1971 "Fight of the Century" between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier. Frazier won the fight, handing Ali his first professional defeat that night.

And this photographer was in Ali's dressing room after the fight, look at a beaten Ali, a sight that the world had never seen before, and might never get the chance to see again. The self-proclaimed "Greatest of All-Time" had just been humbled, and several people in the room told this guy that he should take a picture, because it'd probably be worth "a million bucks."

The photographer refused, telling the people in the room that the world didn't need to see it.

Think about that for a second. Will something like that ever happen again?

Bill Plaschke: Right For All the Wrong Reasons!!!

2008-09-17T17:19:00.003-04:00

Yup, that's the name of Bill's new book, due out next week.

Alternate titles included:

Bill Plaschke: Can I Has More Stupid?
Bill. Plaschke. Sentence. Fragment. Poems. For. Us. All.
And of course...
Bill Plaschke: If I Had a Normal Name, I'd Be Easier to Mock.

Just kidding, Bill isn't writing a book. Just more stupid shit.

He has saved day games, night games, winning streaks, road trips, confidence, face, butts and souls.

Who could we possibly be talking about? He's saved souls? And butts? This sounds like some kind of kickass Jesus with a machine gun!!! Or Rambo!! Yeah, RAMBO!!!!!

In giving the Angels the shirt off his back this season, Francisco Rodriguez has saved all but one thing.

How exactly, has he given them the shirt off his back, Bill? By pitching? That's sorta what he gets paid to do... so I'm not sure I follow where you're going with this. And what didn't he save?

The shirt off his back.

Umm.... wha? "In giving the Angels the shirt off his back this season, Francisco Rodriguez has failed to save the shirt off his back."

The English language just committed suicide. You fucking killed it Bill. Are you happy now?

Yes, his major league-record 58 saves is one of the coolest things to happen in Anaheim since Darin Erstad caught that final out.

Why do I get the feeling that Bill Plaschke's about to say something stupid.

For all this, the Angels should shake his hand and tell him two things. Good job, and goodbye.

Yeah, motherfucker!!! Hit the bricks!!!! Wait... wha? Ohhhh... I get it!! Because the closer is vastly overvalued in baseball economics, because all "closing" really is, is pitching an inning with a 3-run lead! Any reliever can do it! Why not pay a good middle reliever a quarter of the money and plug him in as the closer? Or bring up a fireballer from the minors to handle it!!

He has set the price, at five years, $15 million a year. He has set the tone, breaking a saves record that stood for 18 years.

Yeah, that's wayyyyy too much money to spend on 70 innings a year.

He's so ready to put himself on the open market, sometimes it seems as if he's already there, with post-save celebrations that highlight his individuality.

You lost me again. Let me get this straight, you're calling him selfish for having a freakishly good season and being happy about it? He's performing well... and because of that, he's "doing it all for himself and not the team?"

But more than any other statistic in the game, saves are a team stat. And even without their closer this season, here's guessing the Angels would be a first-place team.

I beg to differ. Wins are much more of a "team stat" than saves. RBIs are a big-time "team stat." And furthermore, here's guessing that we have no fucking CLUE where the Angels would be with Scot Shields closing ballgames. No clue.

If he really believes he will be better served playing for a manager who doesn't understand pitchers as well as Mike Scioscia, well, they should politely offer to have his head examined.

So wait... you're saying that he's saved 58 games this year... because Mike Scioscia understands pitchers? Bill, what's to fucking understand. He's their closer!!! Let me break it down for you.

They play 8 innings of baseball, with bats and balls and gloves, and they score points that are called runs... and when the 9th inning gets there, if a team is winning by 1, 2 or 3 runs... they bring in a pitcher called their "closer" to try to finish the game. If he succeeds in doing so without surrendering the lead at any point, he'd credited with what we call a "save."

Every manager in baseball understands this, Bill. Not just Mike Scioscia. When the game calls for the closer, Scioscia puts in his closer. It's not fucking science.

He is a historically incredible closer, but he's not as important to the team as a potential Angels free-agent slugger named Mark Teixeira, or a potential free-agent starter such as the Milwaukee Brewers' CC Sabathia.

Teixeira is going to cost them at least $20 Million a year, as he's firmly on the Yankees radar. After the giant contract they gave Torii Hunter last year, I doubt they're touching Teixeira.

And Sabathia's also going to command about $20 Million a year... and again, is firmly on the Yankees radar. They have $80 Million coming off the books. And the Angels have about 72 starting pitchers. So why the fuck would Sabathia be a bigger priority than F-Rod?

Closers get three outs. Closers do not hit three-run homers. Closers cannot pitch three-hit shutouts. Closers will never work three scoreless innings in relief. Closers get three outs, and only after everyone else has first done their job.

Fucking poetry. But here's the problem... if you let F-Rod go, who does his job next year? Who gets those three outs... after everyone else has done their jobs?

Scot Shields? Darren Oliver? Justin Speier? Or do you give the job to 24-year old Jose Arrendondo, who has the most impressive numbers, but has only worked 54 inning in his career? And who do you use to replace whoever slides down to the 9th inning?

Just for the record, what do you think is more demoralizing to a team?

Trailing from the first inning on and losing 8-3? Or having a 5-3 lead in the 9th inning and watching your closer blow it.... losing 8-3? Same score... but what has more of an impact?

Why don't you ask the 2007 Mets about this... better yet, why don't you ask the 2008 Mets about it? They're working on doing the same damned thing again... because they don't have a guy like F-Rod at the back-end.

Ultimately, Plaschke's right... $15 Million a year for a closer is insane... but if you're that team, do you really want to see how your season ends up without a real closer?

Cedric Benson? Really?

2008-09-17T15:28:00.002-04:00

So we could finally have a winner in the "Who's Gonna Sign Cedric Benson" Sweepstakes!!!

The Detroit Lions are rumored to be interested in "I'm Not Ricky!"

Oh wait... they're only compiling a short list of backs in case one of their RB's go down... so I guess we'll have to wait a little longer to see Benson crashing into his linemen and then flopping drunkenly to the ground for a 4-yard loss.

Sorry for the false alarm guys. However, here's some video of Benson's better days in the league...

Oh, wait... that's not Cedric Benson. It's Jake "The Snake" Roberts!! My bad again guys...

Hat Tip to Scott McClain

2008-09-04T15:55:00.003-04:00

It's not every day that a 36-year-old rookie, and veteran of 19 minor league seasons hits his first major league home run. But as you can see here, that's what Scott McClain finally did.

I just want to say, dude, it's about frickin' time. And yeah, sorta scratching my head about why this guy hasn't gotten a chance at the major league level.

Here's his page at BaseballCube.

In 1996, at 24 years old, he batted .281/.361/.458 with 17 homers in AAA for the Orioles. I guess he was sorta blocked there by B.J. Surhoff (McClain was listed as a Third Baseman).

Well, in 1997, McClain ends up in AAA for the Mets, where he goes .280/.370/.503 with 21 homers and 29 doubles... but the Mets had Edgardo Alfonzo at 3B.

Here's the kicker, in 1998 McClain's in the Tampa Bay Organization, at AAA Durham. He's still only 26 years old... and hits .299/.385/.589 with 34 homers and 35 doubles in 126 games... gets called up for a grand total of 20 at bats... and sent back down.

So who did the Rays have at 3rd Base in 1998 that blocked this guy?

If you guessed Bobby Smith, you're amazing!! Sadly, Bobby Smith completely sucked. Wade Boggs was also finishing out his career, but only saw 78 games at 3B that year.

Would have seemed to me that if you had a 26-year old 3rd baseman sitting in the minors, with developing power and pretty good plate discipline, you'd get him up there and get him an extended look, right? Even just to DH him!!! Who DH'd for Tampa that year?

Oh, that's right!! Paul Sorrento!!! He DH'd to the tune of .225/.313/.405 in 435 at bats.

As it stands, Scott McClain has hit 355 home runs over 19 minor league seasons. He's hit 30+ homers in 4 seasons and this year, in the minors with the Giants, he batted .307/.389/.566 with 22 more longballs. And he plays first base now.

Guys who've played first base/third base for The San Francisco Giants this year:

John Bowker: .246/.295/.395 with 9 homers and 70 K's in 301 at bats.
Rich Aurilia: .276/.325/.415 with 9 homers in 352 at bats, who's ALSO 36 years old.
Jose Castillo: .244/.290/.381 with 6 homers in 394 at bats.

Now look at McClain's line for the year again. Sure, he's 36, but why the frick not!? Right?

Pitch Counts are for Pussies!! Volume 37!!

2008-09-02T12:03:00.003-04:00

Getting right to the point. Yup, Carlos Zambrano has a "tired arm" and has seen a drop-off in his velocity. He's 27, he's built like a brick shithouse... he's one of the guys that everybody mentions when they write stupid articles about how pitch counts are bad for baseball... because "Zambrano could throw 200 pitches" and "everybody should finish what they start."

Obviously we'll never know the exact reason that Zambrano's arm is bothering him. It could be as simple as one bad pitch and a tweak... or it could be the accumulation of work over 5 months of baseball, but humor me for a second here...

It could also be the fact that Zambrano's thrown as many as 130 pitches in a game this year. He's also been stretched to 125, 119, and 118.

The 125 and 118 were in back-to-back starts against the Marlins and Brewers on July 24th and July 29th, and since then, Zambrano's thrown 26 2/3rds innings and given up 22 earned runs. And despite his recent struggles, he was still extended to 119 pitches on August 15th.

So yeah, sure, probably coincidence, right?

Pitching coach Larry Rothschild said Zambrano isn't in any pain and his arm feels good.

Which is why he's missing starts and getting banged around when he pitches.

"It's just that he's gone through this every year the last four or five years, at a point in time where his arm feels a little bit heavy, tired," Rothschild said. "I think everybody goes through that, I think it's a little bit of a dead arm period.

Yeah, he goes through this every year. Sort of like how Mark Prior goes for Tommy John's surgery every year, it's just part of his routine! It's just a little bit of a dead arm.

You give a guy $90 Million Dollars, and then you abuse the shit out of him in the first year of his new contract? That seems like a great idea... or maybe it's why your team hasn't won anything since Larry King was born.

Dick Harden tag added, just because he's on the team and it makes me chuckle.

Cincy Reds vs. Tampa Rays...Just Out of Curiosity.

2008-08-29T12:16:00.002-04:00

Busting Dusty Baker's balls is a hobby of mine, and a bit of a passion. And one of the greatest ways of going about that, is by referencing pitch counts, specifically with young pitchers.

Baker's in Cincy with Edinson Volquez and Johnny Cueto... and when I checked earlier this year, he was running up their pitch counts much the way he did with Mark Prior and Kerry Wood in Chicago.

For a point of comparison, I'm going to use the Tampa Bay Rays. Why? Because by my own perception, they seem to be relatively well-managed, and frankly, they don't get enough press.

I'm literally researching this as I write the article, so your guess is as good as mine regarding what this will show, if anything.

Cincy Reds

Edinson Volquez: 26 Starts, 157 2/3 IP, 15-5 W/L, 2.80 ERA, 1.313 WHIP
100+ pitches - 17 times.
110+ pitches - 9 times.
Season High - 118 on May 7th

Johnny Cueto: 27 Starts, 155 IP, 8-12 W/L, 4.65 ERA, 1.361 WHIP
100+ pitches - 12 times.
110+ pitches - 7 times.
Season High(s) - 120 on July 22nd, 119 on May 27th

Tampa Bay Rays

Scott Kazmir: 21 Starts, 121 IP, 9-6 W/L, 3.27 ERA, 1.231 WHIP
100+ pitches - 13 times.
110+ pitches - 5 times. Season High - 117 on June 11th.

Andy Sonnanstine: 26 Starts, 158 2/3 IP, 13-6 W/L, 4.42 ERA, 1.317 WHIP
100+ pitches - 7 times.
110+ pitches - 0 times.
Season High - 106 on April 19th.

James Shields: 27 Starts, 177 2/3 IP, 11-8 W/L, 3.75 ERA, 1.171 WHIP
100+ pitches - 14 times.
110+ pitches - 1 time.
Season High - 111 on August 3rd.

I could keep going with Edwin Jackson and Matt Garza, but I won't, so here are my findings.

What we can see is that Shields, Sonnanstine and Jackson (trust me here) have been held very tightly to pitch counts, very rarely getting very far over 100. Matt Garza and Scott Kazmir have been given slightly longer leashes, which means that despite their ages, and Kazmir's history of injury, there must be some trust and communication going on here.

On the other side, we have the Reds, with Dusty at the helm. He's got the future of that franchise routinely going over 100 pitches, and often pushing well into the 110-120 range. Both pitchers are in the process of setting career highs for innings pitched by what must be a pretty massive increase, and it appears that Dusty's taking very few precautions... despite the fact that his team is completely and utterly out of contention.

Oddly enough, the Rays appear to be taking every precaution, despite the fact that they're in first place, and have been battling the Red Sox for most of the season.

So yeah, props to Joe Maddon (didn't he just have a kid with Nicole Ritchie? Shit, now I'm confused) for proving that it is possible to win, and protect the future of your ball club by not destroying the arms of pitchers in their early 20's. Props to Andrew Friedman for the great job he's done assembling the team, and no-doubt, playing a role in this.

And to Reds fans, feel free to flame this post, but don't blame me when Volquez and Cueto are taking the plane trip down to Birmingham, AL to see Dr. James Andrews.

Maybe Johnny and Edinson will get smart and file restraining orders against Dusty while there's still time.

Just a Quick Note...

2008-08-28T14:40:00.004-04:00

More like a quick ass-kiss, actually.

The guys at FireJoeMorgan.com actually linked one of my posts yesterday. They were in the process of systematically destroying Bruce Jenkins, because yes, there are still morons that think pitch-counts are bad for the game.

So yeah, I just wanted to say thanks to the guys at FJM for noticing the post and using my stuff. Especially now that I have a reason to believe that they're aware of my existence. Those dudes are my sports-journalism fucking heroes.

Tags are possible ways that I'll be celebrating. Thanks again to Buzz Bissinger for the "Interactive Gangbang" tag. It's a gift that really does keep on giving.

The 100th Post!! Not a Placemarker Any More... I'm Just Stupid.

2008-08-26T15:39:00.005-04:00

Grats to Me!!! My 100th post is now up and complete!!!! Hooray!! Or something.

So here's what we're checking out. It was covered by Sports By Brooks and says that, apparently, people are buying the sperm of former athletes from sperm banks, in the hope that their kids will have athletic prowess. This is fucked up on so many levels that I don't know where to start... so I'm not even going to get into that aspect of it.

My big question is... what kind of athlete is selling his love sauce to sperm banks? I came up with a few names, and I'm going to try to fill out a list here.

1) Rickey Henderson - "You're the best Rickey!! Just think about it Rickey!! Now there can be 10 Rickeys!!! ONE HUNDRED RICKEYS!! Rickey can be his own team!!! Rickey will never have to lose because who could possibly beat a whole team of Rickey?"

2) Jose Canseco - Come on, like you weren't thinking the same thing? The better question is... after all the roid's he's done, how much sperm could he possibly get out of those shriveled up little balls? Sammy Davis, Jr.'s got a bigger payload, and he's been dead for almost 20 years.

3) Adam "Not Pacman" Jones - Although in this case, he's not the one selling it to the Spooj House. The strippers are actually sapping it up with bar towels and squeezing it out into shot glasses shortly after he makes it rain.

4) Shaq - He'd actually be doing the NBA a service here. Seriously. If he's not doing this, he should. It's the only way the Knicks are ever going to get a decent center.

5) Kobe Bryant - Because once he hears that Shaq's doing it, he'll feel compelled to try to do it better.

6) Elijah Dukes - Dude's 24. Dude's got 5 kids already. Dude's first two kids were born 8 days apart. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bullshittin', dawg. Oops... sorry, that's part of the voicemail Dukes left for one of his baby mommas.

7) Latrell Sprewell - The best way for Spree to feed his kids, is by selling the genetic material to create about 700 more kids.

8) Shawn Kemp - When wikipedia says that you've fathered "at least seven children" but apparently can't be sure... you make this list. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N*gga, all I know is, n*gga, when I see your muthafuckin' ass riding, dawg, it's on. God dammit, somebody hit stop on the Dukes tape!!!

9) Alex Rodriguez - From what I've heard, he used to charge Cynthia for the stuff. He really doesn't believe in giving away ANYTHING that somebody will pay for. I'm actually pretty sure you can buy baracks of his Casper Army at his Merch Tent at Spring Training. Yeah, Casper looks like jizz, doesn't he?

10) Anthony Merino - A quarterback for the semi-pro Empire State Titans, Merino was arrested after security guards found him having sex with the corpse of a 92-year-old woman in the New Jersey hospital at which he was a lab technician. I have no joke here. No joke at all.

Not a Glitch?

2008-08-20T16:41:00.003-04:00

So I just heard about the "glitch" in Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2008, that allows ol'Tiger to walk on water.

And then I saw proof that this is no glitch...

Yup, there you have it. Tiger Woods is the reincarnation of Christ.

Sort of makes you wonder why he doesn't heal his knee, huh?

Also, speaking of miracles, when's the last time we had two posts in one day? Tell your friends!

This Is Why I'm Here...

2008-08-20T11:00:00.004-04:00

Some blogs exist exclusively to tear up poor sports journalism. Some offer analysis or opinions. I try to do a little bit of these things... but when it all comes down to it, the real reason I'm here is to help spread the news when a former Japanese Import pitcher gets loaded up and actually managed to embarrass himself worse than when he pitched!

Yup, you guessed it. Hideki Irabu got arrested for mugging a bartender.

Irabu, 39, became angered after his credit card was rejected. He allegedly pushed the bartender against the wall, pulled his hair and smashed at least nine liquor bottles. The bartender sustained no injuries.

Apparently Irabu threw the bottles, thus explaining how none of them hit the bartender.

For what it's worth saying, if Irabu showed this much initiative in New York, Steinbrenner would never have called him a fat toad.

There's no word on whether the 20 mugs of beer Irabu chugged down are part of a comeback attempt on "The David Wells Diet."

Really Jayson Stark? REALLY?!

2008-08-15T15:04:00.004-04:00

Manny Ramirez is fucking Benedict Arnold.

And whoever gives him a new contract is setting a bad precedent for the game... because of how Manny got out of Boston.

For a man who decided his personal net worth was more important than an entire franchise and all the people who played with him, covered for him, depended on him?

For a man who's watched as other "Boston Heroes" have been ushered out the door like pieces of shit. Where did 'Boston Loyalty' get Bill Mueller, Johnny Damon, Pedro Martinez, Keith Foulke, Mark Bellhorn, Todd Walker, Kevin Millar, Trot Nixon, Orlando Cabrera, Derek Lowe and Bronson Arroyo?

And these are guys who won the first World Series in 10,000 Bostonian years!!! They got tossed! They low-balled half of these guys, and either dealt or flat-out CUT the rest of them!!!

"It really bothers me," one GM said this week of the Manny-mania lovefest that has unfolded in L.A. "What he did in Boston was criminal. Now he goes there, and everything's OK? No, sir. It doesn't change the fact that how he got there was criminal."

Really, unnamed GM? You really feel that way? It was criminal for Manny to look out for number one? He's spent the better half of his career in Boston, getting bitched out by the media every time he wipes his bum the wrong way... and what defense has ANYBODY on the team ever given for it? "Well, that's Manny being Manny!!"

Let me explain something. That whole "Manny being Manny" thing... was a nice way of saying, "Yeah, the guy's an asshole, but it's okay because we win games." It's not a defense of him. If you wanted to defend him, you'd saying, "Who cares if he takes a week off in September!! He's getting ready for the playoffs... and we all know what he does in the playoffs!!!"

Boston treated Manny like shit. He wanted out about 100 times before this... and he agreed to stay for the good of the team. Now he had a chance to get out and go somewhere good, and he jumped all over it. And if it lands him a $100 Million contract, then good for him!!

Yeah, we know what every Dodgers fan on earth is thinking: "What he did in Boston isn't our problem. He didn't blow up our franchise. So who cares?"

Yeah, he really blew up that team down in Boston!! Boy, those Red Sox are struggling!!! They're what? 30 games back now? Oh wait.. only 3? And they were that many back when they dealt him? Oh, my bad. And that slob Jason Bay, he's terrible, isn't he? Oh wait... he's .327/.393/.473 with 12 RBIs in 13 Boston games... so how, exactly, did Manny KILL THE FRANCHISE? They got 10 years younger, and 100 times better on defense at the position. And about $10 Million cheaper moving forward.

It would, in effect, be an open invitation to every selfish superstar in baseball to pull a Manny. Act up. Stop hustling. Stop trying. Refuse to play. Make up an injury. Whatever you have to do to get back out there on the free-agent market. It's all worth it.

Lets take this step by step. Act up? Check, Manny did that.

Stop hustling? Umm... Manny NEVER hustled. He had his moments, but his effort is more in the preparation than the execution. Everybody knows that.

Stop trying? .299/.398/.529 with 20 homers and 22 doubles in 100 Boston games. Sure looks like he was trying.

Refuse to play? He played in 100 of 109 games in Boston. That's about 91%. Over the course of a full season, he was on pace to appear in 147 games. That would be the MOST he's played since 2005. Not really "refusing to play" if you ask me. Maybe at 36 his body needs rest once in a while... maybe? You think?

Make up an injury? Yeah, he asked out of a game against the Yankees because his knee hurt. One game. Had tests, they showed nothing, and then he played. Again... 36 years old. Maybe just routine soreness? Find ONE 36 year old ballplayer who never takes a day off with aches and pains... I dare you. Find one.

So these angles are mostly bullshit. Thank you Jayson Stark.

"He wouldn't play for me," the exec said. "I'll tell you that. I might cost my team a chance to go to the World Series. But we work too hard to put a team together to take on a guy like that. As soon as you open the vaults for him, you'll wind up with the same problems Boston had."

Lets examine that, Mr. Unnamed Exec. It might cost your team the World Series? Yeah, I think it might... because Manny's pretty good at carrying teams to the World Series, despite his asshole attitude.

And yeah, you don't want to wind up with the problems that Boston had. I mean... how would you face your fans if you won 2 World fucking Championship in 4 years? You'd have to be nucking futs to deal with that!!!!

From that point on it gets worse. Jayson Stark, I understand that you're a card-carrying employee of Red Sox Nation, through it's subsidiary, ESPN... but can we pretend, just for a minute, to be an un-bias news outlet, and offer some realistic analysis?

Maybe Manny saw the shithouse treatment that other so-called Boston Heroes got at contract time? Pedro? Clemens? Greenwell? Mo Vaughn? Pedro? Do I need to keep going? Really? Do I? Boston shits all over their guys when they get old... they've done it habitually for a long time!

You all know that I'm a Yankees fan. And guess what!! The Yankees do the SAME THING!! They did it to Bernie Williams in a MAJOR WAY! Tino got shit-heeled for Giambi. A lot of guys have gotten run out of the Bronx for getting old. It's how you build a winner, by staying young, staying competitive, and re-loading at your key positions...

But don't blame Manny because he didn't want to leave his neck on the fucking chopping block.

Somehow, This Must Be Dusty's Fault...

2008-08-11T22:21:00.002-04:00

What am i talking about? This.

Yup, the Cincinnati Reds just gave away Adam Dunn for a single-A pitcher and two players to be named later.

Dumping Griffey's salary for some guys who might be able to contribute? Sure, no problem. Handing off a 28-year old guy who's hit 46, 40, 40 and 40 homers the last 4 years, and has 32 already this season for nobody specific? That's absolutely inexcusable, especially when there were at least 4 GMs who would have severed a testicle to get this guy less than a month ago.

The Mets and Yankees, the Red Sox, the D-Backs, the Dodgers, the Marlins and probably a few more that I'm entirely too lazy to think of... oh... the Astros too, were in the market for a power-hitting outfielder.

The Yanks came away with Nady. The Sox and Dodgers pulled the Manny/Bay deal. The D-Backs robbed Dunn today. The Marlins and Astros still have nobody. You're honestly going to try to tell me that the Reds couldn't get something majors-ready for this guy? That the Mets wouldn't have given up Mike Pelfrey and a minor leaguer for Dunn and signed him to an extension?

In the long run, Adam Dunn isn't a "Dusty Baker" kind of guy. He's not going to bunt down runners. He's not going to hit-and-run or swipe bags. And despite being dirty, he's not gritty or gutty. There's nothing Ecksteinian about him.

Here's what Adam Dunn does.

1) He gets on base more than about 80% of major league baseball players.

2) He hits 40 home runs every year.

3) He's OPS'd .900 for his career.

4) He's pretty durable, having played in 747 of his teams last 767 games since 2004.

And all the Reds get for dealing that away is... a guy in the low minors... and two dudes who's moms didn't even like them enough to give them names. Yeah. I'm not happy.

People Live in Hawaii?!

2008-08-06T14:32:00.004-04:00

I know the updates have gotten a little sporadic of late, and I apologize for that. As I mentioned previously, I'm sorting out some details of my living situation and that's making times a bit turbulent of late, but we'll be back on track soon.

For now, I found out something today that really upset me, so I thought I'd share it with whoever's still reading.

People are actually allowed to live in Hawaii? Like... full-time? Year round?! What the hell, okay!? That's not fair.

Hawaii should be a place that you can visit for a short time, make a wish, have it come true... and then you go home!! Like Fantasy Island!!!

Complete with David Eckstein, dressed as Tattoo!! And if you didn't leave after your little episode was over, Eckstein would punch you in the nads until you got on a plane!! I'm sure that with his grit and hustle, he'd keep things very well maintained.

Moreso, has anybody considered paying David Eckstein to monitor the borders of this great country? Seriously! Just him!! And maybe Darin Erstad (see in this picture assaulting a potentially illegal immigrant.) You know that Erstad was a punter in college, right? The two of them in a black van with a red stripe on the side. They could ride up and down the border like the A-Team and keep us safe from invasion with their calm eyes and wiry prowess!! This would be SO much cheaper than border patrol or fencing or digging a trench and filling it with crocodiles and electric eels.

There are no schematics involved. There's nothing to maintain. Just Eckstein and Erstad.

For a better America. Wow... I think I might have just made the case for a very strong write-in campaign on election day. McCain and Obama, look out!! The Albino Midget Party has just entered their candidates for the 2008 election!!!

The Braves Are Ready to Make Their Run Now!!!!

2008-07-30T11:04:00.002-04:00

Yes indeed! The Atlanta Braves are ready to make their run at a playoff spot now that they've ridded themselves of the awesomeness of Mark Teixeira!!

His .283/.390/.512 with 20 homers and 78 RBI was absolutely crushing their chances.

But now that they've dumped that bum, and replaced him with gritty, awesome Casey Kotchman and his much more average .287/.327/.448 (with 12 homers and 54 RBI), they can get back to their winning ways!! Although, just to be clear, Kotchman is no Scott Thorman!!

I point this out only because of yesterday's article, where it was pointed out that since the acquisition of Teixeira, the Braves winning percentage had actually dropped from like .521 to .482 as though that was Texy's fault.

I just want to say though, if there are any aspiring GMs out there, always know that the best way to improve your team and build a winner is to get rid of anybody with an EqA above .300. In Tex's case, he's at .305 right now, and that's terrible. It's not a team-first number.

Casey Kotchman's 2008 EqA of .260 is a much more team-first number. It builds a sense of unity in your clubhouse when guys are of the understanding that everybody on their baseball team is equally average. It forces them to all depend on one-another, because nobody is good enough to single-handedly carry the team.

When you have talent on your team... guys like Pujols, A-Rod, Teixeira, Utley, etc., the prevailing wisdom in the clubhouse is that it's okay to just clog up the basepaths and wait for the 3-run homer. Many believe that this is the fault of A's GM, Billy Beane. Ever since he wrote MoneyBall, people seem to want talented players on their team.

But not the Braves. Nope!! They're building on guys who can be replaced by Miguel Cairo. That's why they were so fucking awesome for so long.

Or maybe it had something to do with Maddux, Smoltz and Glavine. Shit, I don't know now.

What Am I Doin' In Jersey!?

2008-07-29T11:08:00.003-04:00

Yup... I stole that tag line from George Carlin. And here's why!

Dan Graziano! I don't know anything about the man. Where do we begin?

Contrary to the denials that made the rounds Monday, officials from both teams say the Mets have contacted the Red Sox about Manny Ramirez and are interested in pursuing a deal for him if Boston decides to make him available.

Sorta like in 2005, when the Mets could have gotten Manny for Lastings Milledge and Mike Cameron? Anybody still think refusing that deal was a good idea? Going once? Going twice? Didn't think so.

The Red Sox suspect that GM Omar Minaya wants Ramirez more than Mets ownership does.

Whoa... a GM who's constructed the oldest 97.85% Latin team in baseball history is interested in adding a 36 year old Dominican? You're shocking me here.

Point here is... the Mets need Manny. The guy can flat-out rake. He's old, he's cranky, he doesn't always feel like playing baseball, but he can flat-out rake and with him they're a better team than without him. They should do whatever it takes to get him.

Sadly, they probably don't have anything that Boston wants. They don't have quality bullpen arms. They don't have substantial upgrades at any position except...

Jose Reyes. So here's the question... if you're the Mets, do you hate Jose Reyes enough to trade a potential 10 years of .298/.362/.493 and a ton of extra base hits and stolen bases... for two years of .304/.400/.538 and a bunch more homers?

The Sox would probably asshump the notion of a deal that sent Manny and Julio Lugo to the Mets, in exchange for say... Jose Reyes and top prospect Fernando Martinez. Are the Mets desperate enough to win this year? Who cares. Here's why I picked this article....

PLAYER OF THE DAY
MARK TEIXEIRA, Atlanta 1B

Blah blah blah... the Braves are looking to trade Teixeira. So why don't you point out some stupid coincidental fact.

Key stat: The Braves were 56-51 when they acquired Teixeira at last year's deadline. Since then, they are 77-83.

Bingo!! It's Mark Teixeira's fault that the Braves have gotten slightly worse. Their hefty .523 winning percentage dropped to a dismal .481 winning percentage because of Mark Teixeira's beastly .295/.392/.550ish (because I'm doing rough estimates here) line, and his ugly 37 homers and 134 runs batted in, in 157 games as a Brave!!

Where have you gone, Scott Thorman?! Come back and save us from a first baseman who can actually hit a baseball!!!! We need your grit and hustle to counterbalance all of Texy's selfish, me-first home runs and RBIs!!!

Why Aren't There Updates Lately?!

2008-07-28T13:04:00.002-04:00

Because I'm a lard ass. To be entirely honest, there's been quite a lot going on in my life of late. I'm working on getting a place with my lovely girlfriend, which is being hindered by the fact that my current roommates are doing everything in their power to fuck up my life and syphon money out of my wallet like vampires. So yeah, I've been pretty stressed out about that, which has seriously decreased my writing inspiration.

To the 400 or so people who check this every day, don't worry guys. I'll get back to form. Most likely sooner, rather than later. Have faith in me. And if you find something that you think I'd enjoy tearing apart, e-mail it to me for chrissake!! Tell me what you fuckers want!!!

the e-mail's primeoffense@yahoo.com if you didn't already know.

Point Shaving the History Books?

2008-07-23T10:56:00.003-04:00

Yes!! This is actually slightly football related! Steelers-related!!!

Anybody remember the final score of the Steeler's first round playoff game against the Buffalo Bills in 1975? Well... the answer is no. Nobody remembers. Nobody remembered when the rings were made either... because they screwed it up.

To answer this important (see: irrelevant) piece of trivia, the final score of that game was 32-14.

The jewelers engraved 32-6. This obviously means one of two things.

1) This was an honest mistake about a fact that absolutely nobody cares about, especially after their team wins the Super Bowl.

Or...

2) It was a conspiracy!! Perpetrated by the people who designed and made the ring to defraud their buddies out of money lost!! It's very obvious to me, that these Steeler fans were so confident that they agreed to a point spread in the range of 19 to 25. And they bet big!!!

The final score of 32-14 meant a cushion of only 18 points, and thus, the Steelers didn't cover the agreed-upon point spread. So the jewelers in question crossed their fingers and prayed the Steelers would win it all... as they secretly avoided their buddies and bookies for weeks at a time... watching... waiting for their chance. And then the Steelers won the big game...

"Here it is!! Plain as day!! The Championship ring says they won that game by 26!! They covered!!! Pay up!!!", screamed eager cheating Steelers fans!!!

"But what about the score in the papers!?", proclaimed the bookies!!

"Probably a typo!!! Too bad we have no internet to rely upon for worthless fact such as this!!!" claimed those bastard Steeler-fan jewelers!!

"Yeah! I sure hope Al Gore invents a method for me to read the angry ramblings of half-witted people, and check the scores of football games from 30+ years ago. Oh... and umm... it'd be kind of nice if they did something with porn too." agreed the bookies.

Okay, okay... so it was probably just an innocent mistake.

A Golf Article? Yup, Making Fun of the Shark!

2008-07-21T11:57:00.004-04:00

Here it is.

More interestingly, is that this is the headliner for Yahoo!'s entire sports section. The front page proclaims "The new Shark!"

And the caption under a picture of Greg Norman says,

"Contrary to all those heartbreaking losses, Greg Norman gave golf fans a week they should always cherish."

Yes!! A week in which he played valiantly, gave it his all, and inevitably lost. After shooting 70, 70 and 72, he closed with a 77, gagging away a shot at a championship with another awful Sunday, but that's not how Brian Murphy feels about this, no, not at all!!

Greg Norman: Sunday choker. Aren't those the words we’re supposed to etch on his career tombstone?

Yes, Brian Murphy. Yes they are.

Except, this was different, this Sunday at Birkdale.

Because he didn't choke away a multi-stroke lead? Because he won?

This was no choke at all.

Okay... he had the lead after 63 holes. That's 3 1/2 rounds. That means that he lost the lead on the last 9 holes. And just to clarify, he shot a 77 in the last round. To find a score worse than Norman's 77, you have to slide all the way down the leaderboard to KJ Choi, Simon Wakefield and Alexander Noren. Choi's in a 3-way tie for 16th. Noren and Wakefield are in a 600-way tie for 19th.

Funny thing is... Choi, Wakefield and Noren started the day tied for 2nd, 4th, and tied for 5th. Sure looks like they choked too.

HOWEVER.... the leaders all start the course around the same time, don't they? So maybe a case can be made that the conditions of the course were bad. That the winds changed, or the little fat gopher from Caddyshack was running rampant and Bill Murray was blowing up the golf course with plastic explosives? Is that what you're trying to say Brian?

He came to Birkdale for fun, and for memories, and to get ready for the Senior British Open at Troon, and to wind down his honeymoon with the former Miss Evert.

Yeah, see? It's the conditions. He had to play... wait... WHAT?! So like what dude?! He didn't really want to fucking win!? He didn't really care about exorcising the demons of the fact that he's the biggest choker in the history of professional golf... by winning a Major!?!

Nooooo... you're right. It's not a choke, because he never expected or planned to win. He was just there to paddleboard with Pierce fucking Brosnan and celebrate the premier of Mamma Mia!!!!

Hey Brian... maybe the pressure of the fact that this guy has always, always, ALWAYS....

A. L. W. A. Y. S.

choked in the last rounds of majors, and the $1.5 Million purse, and the thousands of screaming fans and the pressure of being in the drivers seat on Sunday came down on him a little hard. Maybe his grip got a little too tight, and his hands got a little too shaky. Maybe he choked.

Or maybe it had something to do with why the 1st, 2nd, 4th and 5th place golfers after 3 rounds all shot terribly. Maybe the conditions were bad.

Maybe Harrington really stepped up and played well in bad conditions, while Norman, Choi, Wakefield, Noren, Anthony Kim, Ben Curtis and Ross Fisher (all of whom started the day within the top 5) got swallowed up by poor conditions, difficult winds, etc.

I'm not a golf pro here. I'm speculating about some of this, using a set of scores to take an educated guess.

I will, however, GUARANTEE that the reason Greg Norman lost was NOT that "he didn't really want to win, and it wasn't a priority for him."

Colbert Report Blooper?

2008-07-17T11:56:00.003-04:00

Did I spell that correctly? Am I supposed to write Colberrrrrr Reporrrrrr? Without the T's? Whatever. Check this out. Rush makes their first appearance on American TV in 33 years.

And Stephen Colbert runs onto the stage during their performance, thinking that the song is over. Then says what sounds like "oh... shit" and runs back off. He then goes to a very hesitant commercial break.

I guess they're saying that this was a joke, and all intentional. Either way, it's hysterical. And I get to post about Rush!! Check out that drum-kit!! That's killer sick dude!!

Maybe He Did a Papel-Bong Hit...

2008-07-16T10:35:00.004-04:00

Obviously I'm a Red Sox-hater. I should probably clarify my stance on 'The Rivalry' at some point anyway, so I'll just touch on it briefly here.

I'm not exactly a Sox-hater. I'm well-aware of the history of both of these teams. I love the game of baseball and pride myself on being somewhat knowledgeable about it. And some of the best conversations about the sport that I've ever had, have been with Red Sox fans.

Every team, especially the Sox and the Yankees, have their bandwagon fans. Those guys know nothing about the team, they're arrogant, they're cocky, and they make everybody look bad. That's probably 80+% of the people who claim to be Yankee fans, and at least 75% of the guys who have "membership cards to Red Sox Nation" and shit. I fucking hate bandwagon fans.

But on to the good stuff.

"My wife is pregnant and she's getting her life threatened. It's frigging stupid," Papelbon said during an expletive-laced session with reporters. "I feel like I needed to be in a bullet-proof car."

Shit man!! That's fucked up!! Did Jonathan Papelbon just visit Iraq to distribute kittens to the soldiers or something?

Ohhhh... he was at the parade in New York City yesterday!! Wait.. what? Umm... dude, your wife didn't get her life threatened. Stop exaggerating and stop being a stupid cunt. Your wife got boo'd. Are we really supposed to cry you a river about this?

Nobody rushed the vehicle. Nobody threw anything at you. This celebration wasn't NEARLY as raucous as the one that occurred after Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS, which is to say that while fans in BOSTON might feel it's necessary to kill someone as a means of celebration...

Yankee fans have a pretty good track record over the last 12 years, seeing as they watched their team win 4 World Championships... and didn't KILL anybody. So seriously dude, shut the fuck up. People are entitled to boo you. You're a tool.

"I don't really give a shit anymore," he said. "If I don't even fucking pitch, I don't care."

Just for the record... if Papelbon didn't fucking pitch, the AL probably wouldn't have needed 15 innings to win the game. Especially with Billy "We Are Gonna Need Extra Runs" Wagner on the hill for the NL.

The Anti-All Star Team?

2008-07-15T10:58:00.004-04:00

Yup, somebody made one. And of course, it's stupid. Thank you, Scott Miller. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life writing about tennis and soccer. For a brief moment, I thought stupidity in baseball was on the down-turn.

On a side note, this article has already been talked about on FireJoeMorgan but you're here, so you get my take on it. Their take on it's probably funnier.

There is no voting for this All-Star team. Only pity.

To rephrase: There is no voting for this All-Star team. Only the asinine opinion of one man.

Oh, the horror! The humanity! The trashed hopes, dashed dreams and downright incorrigible incompetence!

Okay, so that's what we're looking for. Trashed hopes, downright incompetence. Got it.

First base: Richie Sexson, free agent

Whatever you do, don't read the nutritional label posted on Sexson's packaging! The fat and calories alone in his $14 million salary this season would drive most consumers toward immediate angioplasty.

Umm... huh? Fat and calories in his contract? Let me say this nicely... what the FUCK are you talking about? Sexson's having a shitty year, and he just got released because of it... but his numbers are actually slightly BETTER than they were last year (while Seattle was winning 88 games and competing for the wild card.) But you're right. The problem is clearly the amount of trans fat somehow associated with the money they pay him. If his contract had some protein escalators, and maybe a few B12 incentives, then everything would be gravy. You like those nutritional metaphors, don't you? Admit it.

Second base: Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee

As Milwaukee scraps and battles, Weeks far too often couldn't find first base if you gave him a map, a copy of Abner Doubleday's rules and walked him halfway there. Not that he's having a difficult season, but at midweek he was hitting .207 with 61 punch-outs and 36 walks.

Really? That's your anti-All Star at second base? His .217/.320/.367 with 8 homers isn't very good... but there's gotta be somebody worse at second base... the black hole of offensive production in baseball.

How about Pittsburgh's Freddy Sanchez and his Herculean .226/.251/.304 with 5 homers? Or Nat's Felipe Lopez with his .233/.308/.312 and 2 jacks? Or maybe Juan Uribe at .219/.269/.349? Nah, you're right. Lets go with Weeks. He strikes out a lot. These other guys are probably moving baserunners with their clutch, team-first groundouts to the pitcher.

Shortstop: Jose Reyes, Mets.
The most egregious sin for anyone blessed with this much talent -- baseball player, pianist, painter -- is to not get the most out of it. Right now, that's Reyes. Sure, his numbers are respectable. But this guy has the tools to be great. And he won't put out to get there.

Won't put out to get there? I think you should ask Mike Lupica about that. I'm CONSTANTLY talking about instances of Reyes putting out for men on that website. Seems that not a day goes by that it's not brought up in some form.

But let me get this straight. His .302/.367/.487 with 43 extra base hits and 32 stolen bases isn't the problem. The problem is... that he has the tools to be great, but he won't blow Carlos Delgado? Richie Sexson has too much cholesterol to be a part of a balanced winning diet... and Jose Reyes won't put out? Do you have any fucking idea what you're talking about any more Scott Miller? The Anti-All Star Team, dammit!!! FOCUS!!!

Third base: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees.
He's in line for a lifetime contract as an Anti All-Star after his incredibly selfish -- and not forgotten -- act of opting out of his Yankees contract during the Red Sox's World Series-clinching victory last fall.
First he stole the thunder from the World Series, now he's grabbing the spotlight at the All-Star Game with Madonna. Can't wait to see what he pulls for next spring's World Baseball Classic.

So the entire basis of this selection is... that you don't like him? The opt-out during the World Series was stupid. It's long-since over and done with, but feel free to hold that against A-Rod forever. While you're hating him, he'll be drinking the Material Milkshake (yes, that was a bad Madonna joke) and hitting 50 homers a year on his way to being baseball's home run king. I'm sure he's shitting his pants about being included on the anti-Star team.

Left field: Paul McAnulty, San Diego.
Finally and mercifully optioned to Triple-A Portland this week, McAnulty has spent most of this season as Poster Boy for the bullheaded philosophies of Padres president Sandy Alderson, assistant Paul DePodesta and others in the executive offices who have made a shambles of this one-time NL West contender.

PAUL DEPODESTA!!!!!! It's his fault!!! Him and his fucking computer geeky computer science programs in his mother's basement!!! McAnulty's seen 164 plate appearances and he's been pretty bad (.207/.341/.341) but not really much worse than the other options:

Scott Hairston: .259/.305/.506
Justin Huber: .246/.303/.393
Callix Crabbe: .176/.282/.206

At least McAnulty gets on base at a roughly average rate. These other guys are fucking awful. The whole team is awful. And poor. Khalil Greene is OPSing .593 (and didn't make the cut for this retarded team.) Who's fault is all of this? Paul DePodesta. Naturally.

What's obvious is this: They are force-feeding antiquated philosophies that peaked during the Steroid Era (collect guys who can get on base and then the occasional three-run homer will take you home) in a park where they don't fit in an era when successful baseball teams have figured out you need multi-dimensional players to succeed.

New theory: Moneyball was the product of the Steroid Era.

Scott Miller tells us that the philosophy is to collect guys who can get on base and then pray for the 3-run homer. Let me try to more accurately explain this set of ideas for you.

In the game of baseball, a team is allotted 27 outs at a rate of 3 per inning. The idea is to score as many runs as possible while making as few outs as possible. Computer geek assholes like Paul DePodesta believe that if you get a bunch of guys who make LESS OUTS than the average player... by hitting or drawing walks... you increase the number of chances to score runs before making your 27 outs. They also believe that these players, because they can draw walks, will see more pitches, hence tiring the opposing team's pitchers and getting into their bullpen, thus putting a strain on the opponent's pitching staff.

Now that I've explained the fundamentals of the fucking game of baseball to a man who writes about it for a living... I'm going to move on. Moneyball has nothing the fuck to do with steroids. It has to do with the fact that most people (see: Scott Miller) still look at the game of baseball as though this is the 1920's. The game has changed, our understanding of the mechanics of the game has improved, and thus, teams are going in different directions to maximize their offensive potential and win games. Paul McAnulty is a bad baseball player. That doesn't make the philosophy wrong.

Center field: Andruw Jones, Dodgers

Freeway gridlock, smog and bad Dodgers contracts are the scourge of Los Angeles, and right now, Jones' deal takes the cake (and then eats it). For $36.2 million over two years, Jones at midweek was hitting .168 with two homers, eight RBI, 50 strikeouts and only 21 walks in 145 at-bats. Ouch.

But not one mention of Ned Coletti. You know... the genius smarty smart baseball man who replaced Paul DePodesta in Los Angeles... and signed superstars like Jason Schmidt, Andruw Jones and Juan Pierre to contracts, that combined, exceed the Gross National Product of Nigeria.

Right field: Paul O'Neill, Yankees

Let me summarize. Scott Miller thinks Paul O'Neill is an asshole... because he didn't rush to the defense of LaTroy Hawkins, who decided to wear his #21. Yankee fans didn't appreciate Hawkins choice of number, or his shitty pitching, and booed him. And it was O'Neill's job to defend the guy.

So does that mean that if Barry Larkin gives money to charity, that he can start at shortstop for the All-Star Team? Even though he's retired and hasn't played baseball this year? Do I need to point out how fucking moronic it is to pick a retired player for this list? I hope not.

The rest of this list is more stupid opinion bullshit... Shawn Chacon, Eric Gagne... not because they suck as players... but because Gagne was in the Mitchell Report, and Chacon attacked his GM.

Why are these people paid to write about baseball? Best answer wins a prize...

Somewhere, A-Rod is Smiling...

2008-07-14T11:10:00.004-04:00

And no, this isn't another Madonna joke.

Vai Sikahema beat the shit out of Jose Canseco in a celebrity boxing match in Atlantic City, much to the joy of... well... everybody.

Sikahema, for those of you who don't know, was running back/kick returner for the Eagles, Cardinals and Packers. He was a two-time Pro Bowl special teamer. And these days I guess he does some broadcasting and sports direction for NBC.

To make Sikahema even cooler... he donated his $5,000 purse to the family of fallen Philly Cop, Stephen Liczbinski, which means two things.

1) Sikahema is something of a virtuous and kind guy and...
2) He basically kicked Jose Canseco's ass for free.

Although if he can find a way to bottle and sell "what it feels like to punch Jose Canseco", I'm rather confident he'll never have to worry about money.

It's really only about $270,000.00 US Dollars...

2008-07-11T14:36:00.003-04:00

And now, the dumb salary-related argument made by a professional athlete in any sport since Latrell Sprewell publicly wondered how he'd feed his family on only $7 Million a year.

Yup, Cristiano Ronaldo is likening his current plight of being stuck in a contract that only pays him 120,000 pounds a week for a team that he doesn't want to play for... to slavery!

That's better than a quarter of a million dollars a week. A WEEK. A fucking week!!! If this blog made 1% of that a week, I'd be a pig in shit dancing on rooftops!! And he's comparing himself to a slave.

Do we need to sit back and explain the dynamics of "slavery"? Because no part of it involves prancing around in little shorts and kicking a fucking soccer ball. Obviously, as I am American, I have minimal respect for the game of soccer.

I played it briefly when I was 10. I got kicked in the nuts. I hated it. And I quit and joined a baseball team instead.

It's been a bad few weeks for guys whos names involve Ronaldo, hasn't it? I mean, what with the other one getting caught with tranny hookers and all.

Congrats Cristiano, you're the official recipient of the Trojan ENZ Boner of the Week Award! Just don't show it to the other Ronaldo. He might try to proposition it for sex.

Nights on the Town and One Liners

2008-07-11T10:15:00.004-04:00

Did a bit of barhopping last night with a couple of good friends and my lovely girlfriend. The line of the night is uttered after the hostess at the first place decides to hassle us over some bullshit, and it was as follows:

"Wow, that bitch is so anal retentive, I hear that the last guy who stuck it in her butt still hasn't gotten his dick back."

Call me crude, but I was hugely amused by this remark. And also, perhaps, if the video becomes fully available to me... you MIGHT get to see Mister Six and his buddy rocking out "In the End" by Linkin Park at a karaoke bar. Yup... slim possibility.

Hypocrite of the Day!

2008-07-10T16:34:00.003-04:00

Cynthia Rodriguez doesn't want publicity. Which is obviously why she's talking to the biggest gossip columnist in the entirety of New York. Cindy Adams.

A-Rod's wife wants no publicity. She does not want to speak out.

Lets make a list of ways to avoid publicity.

1) Keep a low profile... as opposed to say... taking a hugely publicized trip to Paris and staying with Lenny Kravitz.
2) Don't talk to reporters... as opposed to say... speaking to Cindy Adams, the biggest gossip columnist in the entirety of New York.
3) Don't do anything flashy... like being seen shopping and spending large amounts of the money you're going to try to snatch from your husband.

Here's a very short list of ways to not speak out.

DON'T FUCKING SPEAK OUT!!! It's not that difficult. And you're a giant hypocrite. In fact... hypocrisy is usually saying one thing, and then doing another. Does it count as being a hypocrite when you say one thing WHILE IN THE PROCESS OF DOING THE OTHER?

She wants only to hide from the army of paparazzi camped in front of her.

Yeah, because the paparazzi are obviously terrified of Lenny Kravitz... as proven by the 6.4 million stories about him in US Weekly, People Magazine, TMZ and every glossy on the planet.

Ask again, you mean she's saying she really still loves her womanizing husband and what comes back is, Cynthia Rodriguez is "not out to mutilate him."

Of course she's not out to mutilate him! If he were to be mutilated, he wouldn't be able to continue playing baseball, and she wouldn't be able to demand half of the $300 Million Dollar contract he just signed!!!

She is also of a mind that he maybe, mistakenly, took her 13 years of dedication as a sign of weakness.

She met him when he was fucking 19. She's got a degree in psychology. He's got daddy issues out the ass, and is probably one of the most insecure human beings in human history. Is it even slightly possible that this lecherous cunt simply used her knowledges as a way to latch onto a guy who was obviously going to make a LOT of money playing baseball?

The word from the other side is that she's RARELY seen at Yankee Stadium and she NEVER travels with the team!! So let me ask you this... if your husband was probably the most lusted-after man in professional sports... and you wanted to keep him... would you let him spend roughly THREE MONTHS out of every year on the road by himself?

Famous athletes cheat on their wives? Really!? Are you kidding me?! I'm not saying that she PLANNED THIS... but I definitely think it worked out in her favor.

She has come to the realization he's changed. He is no longer the same man she grew desperately to love.

Yeah, she loved the guy who was 19 years old and making peanuts with the Seattle Mariners. She loved him, because any idiot could have told you that he was going to grow up to be the highest paid player in baseball history. Now he's matured... and she's cashing out.

Ask why that might be her attitude and you're told: Last year's front-page story of his affair with another woman caused her so much "pain" that she simply - the way it's put is - "refuses to go there again."

Why?! Because he went to a strip club? With a woman? Let me state this as calmly as I possibly can.

HE'S A PROFESSIONAL FUCKING ATHLETE!!! THEY GO TO STRIP CLUBS!!! IF THIS BITCH HAD TAKEN A ROAD TRIP TO TORONTO WITH HIM... HE'D HAVE GONE TO A STRIP CLUB WITH HER INSTEAD!!! BUT SHE DIDN'T!!!

And another thing... have you fucked every person you've ever gone to a strip club with? I most certainly haven't! If A-Rod was looking for a piece of ass, he could walk into a strip club, write a check, and they'd CLOSE DOWN the entire place and all the girls in it would take turns licking his balls. HE'S THAT FUCKING RICH!! Why doesn't anybody need proof to hang this guy by his scrotum?

Cynthia's lawyers, Earle Lilly and John Van Ness, allude to deeper issues where their client's husband is concerned. They use words like "narcissism" and "ego" and "not healthy."

No fucking way... you mean her DIVORCE LAWYERS are saying that he's fucked up? Well then it must be true! It's not like they've got a 30% stake in the divorce settlement or something. And it's not like 30% of that settlement is going to be worth upwards of $100 Million Dollars.

Oh, wait a second... it's EXACTLY LIKE THAT! They're DIVORCE LAWYERS!! What do you expect them to say? That her REFUSAL to go on road trips and support her husband in his chosen profession amounts to ABANDONMENT? That she forced him into the arms of other women by neglecting him for six months out of every year?

She does admit to trusted friends she'll be there for him the day he cracks up because she knows it's going to be - the words used are - "an ugly thing."

I'm sorry... didn't she start by saying that she had NO MALICE? This sure fucking sounds like malice.

She KNOWS that without her, Alex Rodriguez is going to crash and burn... but it's okay, because she'll be there to help him pick up the pieces. Sure sounds like she's hoping his life goes to shit once she's gone... and last I checked, that's malice.

Here's my take on this situation. Ron White said it best.

"You can't NOT fuck me. I'll fuck someone else. I know! I've seen me do it!!"

Words to live by, seriously. This guy is the most famous baseball player in the world. He's by himself... all season. 95% of the women that he meets every day, are willing to give him sex. And his wife is NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

As a man, it's hard enough to avoid temptation when someone offers sex... because lets face it. Women don't just go around offering sex to us. We have to jump through a few hoops to get laid. Now imagine that you're supposed to be faithful to your wife... but for SIX MONTHS out of every year... you don't really see her. Then imagine that 9 out of every 10 women that you meet on a daily basis, offer to fuck you. Could you stay faithful? For how long?

Now imagine that you're the most famous baseball player on the planet... and you have the ego, and sense of entitlement that he MUST have acquired by now.

Nevermind the fact that nobody's PROVEN that A-Rod cheated.

When Madonna tried to suck A-Rod's cock... Cynthia Rodriguez should have already BEEN there sucking his cock like, "No Madonna, I've got this. You can toss his salad if you really want to help though."

Jon Heyman's Debut!!!

2008-07-10T12:16:00.002-04:00

Yes, ladies and germs!! I'm covering my first Jon Heyman article ever! How has it taken so long? I can't honestly tell you. I probably should have drank from this well as quickly as possible. And right off the bat, we have our first piece of contradicting logic.

CC Sabathia was a great deal for the Brewers, and a big deal, as well. And Rich Harden looks like a pretty good response from the rival Cubs

Sabathia was a nice grab... until you consider how much the Brewers gave up for 3 months of a pitcher they're never going to be able to re-sign. And I hate the Rich Harden deal. Not because of what the Cubs gave up, but because it's Harden. The guy owns a fucking CONDO on the DL. You really want to add one of the most injury-prone pitchers in all of baseball... to a team with a fragile ego, in a city that thinks it's cursed?

(although one scout said he's noticed Harden's velocity dipping from 93-97 to 89-91 his last two outings, raising concern about whether he's unsound again).

Jon Heyman just said he liked the deal. And less than a sentence later, he points out the fact that Harden's probably hurt again. So what you're saying, Jon, is that it would be good for the Cubs to acquire damaged goods in trade?

Sabathia and Ben Sheets give the Brewers a formidable top of the rotation, and at seemingly little cost, too.

The Brewers gave up Matt LaPorta in this deal. He was their #1 draft pick last year. And in his first 112 minor league games, he's hit 32 homers and batted .294/.395/.616 (OPS 1.011). Could you imagine a lineup with Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun and this guy each hitting 40 homers a year for the next 10 years? Well don't bother... because the Brewers gave him away for 3 months of CC Sabathia. That's not a "seemingly little cost." That's a massive fucking cost Jon Heyman!

Only a day later, Harden -- one of the best pitchers in baseball when healthy -- was paired with Carlos Zambrano to match Milwaukee's tandem.

Only a day later, the Cubs got someone who'll pitch in Chicago for less time than Sabathia will pitch in Milwaukee. Harden makes Mark Prior look like Cal Ripken, Jr.

If the Rockies do decide to do some Holliday shopping -- and the chances are still better than not that they keep him -- some logical landing spots would include the Angels, followed possibly by the Mets and Yankees,

The Angels want another outfielder? You mean Vlad Guerrero, Torii Hunter, Gary Matthews, Garret Anderson, Juan Rivera and Reggie Willits aren't enough? Yeah, they sound like they'd be BIG TIME players for ANOTHER outfielder. Wayyy bigger than the Mets (with Church and Alou hurt) or the Yankees (with Damon and Matsui down).

Celebrity Stuff? Really? Yeah.

2008-07-09T11:35:00.002-04:00

This is just too silly not to mention.

Sting's (the singer, not the wrestler) daughter was hanging out with Pete Doherty.

Or another way of saying this, would be to say that Coco's shacking up with Cokehead.

Doherty, for those of you who don't keep up with the irrelevant British pseudo-celebrity circuit as closely as I apparently do.... is the guy who Kate Moss was dating when she got caught doing her best Tony Montana impression.

He's also got some ties to Amy Winehouse of late, and known addictions to like... shit, I'm not making a list. That could take days. Oh, and he also sings for some shitty emo/imposter punk band that nobody listens to.

Word on the actual story is that Sting's daughter is 17, and shared a tent with Doherty at the Glastonbury music festival, but it's okay, he's only 29. And addicted to crack, coke, heroin and ketamine. And admittedly worked as a gay prostitute to support his habit.

So yeah, Sting's daughter is 'involved' with a guy who used to suck dick for crack. Take it away, Sagat!!!

Beautifully said, thank you Bob.

Proof That Steroids Are a Non-Story!

2008-07-08T15:03:00.004-04:00

Look out everybody, Barry Bonds is due to join a contending lineup in the near-future!! Why? Because whether or not you've taken massive amounts of PEDs no longer matters at all! Proof you say? I've got your proof right here.

Yup, the American Mustache Institute has officially offered their support to Jason Giambi!! They want him to play in the All-Star Game!! They're going to vote for him!! They're throwing the massive weight of their coalition behind the formerly-embattled slugger and pushing him for the final roster spot for this month's All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium!!

"It doesn't take a mathematician to figure out that Jason Giambi's hitting prowess, plus a fashionable mustache, equals a bona fide All-Star," Aaron Perlut, executive director of The American Mustache Institute, says in the release.

So there you go Jason, you don't even have to pack any bags to play in the game, because it's at your home ballpark!! And you've got the support of like 11 guys with mustaches like this voting for you!!

Mind you, none of them own a computer, so they're just going to go to a couple of games and fill out the hand-written ballots... and it's probably too late to even presume that those things are being counted and tabulated into the results, but with that kind of support, how can you possibly lose?!

And just for the hell of it, here's another crazy mustache! This guy actually goes out in public like that!!

There's an American fucking Mustache Institute!! This is more disturbing than when I discovered that midgets actually have their own organization!

This is more disturbing than when some guy tried to say that "The Pursuit of Happiness" in the Declaration of Independence was proof of legalized beastiality.

I could come up with several more of these flawed analogies... but I figure I'll leave this type of humor to the real pro.

And also he's a ninjaaaaaaa!

This is Why We Do Science!?

2008-07-07T16:34:00.004-04:00

This is one of the best uses of research dollars that I could have imagined.

I actually caught up with the lead researcher on this project and I'm very excited to say that he talked me through this article in his own words, as quoted below.

Marine experts have given 25 octopuses a Rubik's Cube each in a study aimed at easing their stress levels in captivity.

Okay, so like... the octopi... were stressed out, so like we were all like, dude, lets see what happens if we get them drunk but nobody would like, give us research money for that. So then we were all like, dude, lets see what happens if we get them stoned, but like, they said we weren't allowed to use banned substances. So then we were all like, fuck dude, we gotta do something with these octopodes, otherwise why did we steal them from the aquarium?

So like Kyle is all sitting there and playing with his Rubik's Cube, and I'm all like, dude, you're not helping, and he's all like "BRO!!! I'M STRESSED BRO!!! WTF!!!" And I'm all like, dude that's it!! Stress! Lets give the octodudes Rubik's Cubes and see what happens!!!

Scientists believe the intelligent sea creatures have a preferred arm out of eight that they use to feed and investigate with.

So we give the octopuses the cubes, right! And we're all like noticing that they're all like using one arm to take them all the time! I didn't know what that meant until Kyle was all like, "BRO!!! THEY TOTALLY HAVE A FAVORITE HAND!!!! LIKE WHEN YOU JERK OFF BRO!!! WTF!!!" And I was all like, dude, I jerk off thinking about your mom, fag!!! And then I realized that they're all smart and shit! OMG!!

Claire Little, marine expert at the Sea Life Centre in Weymouth, Dorset, said the study could eventually help to reduce stress among octopuses.

So like here's the cool part dude!! We run to the science department and they're all like, "WHOA! THAT'S AMAZING!!!" And I'm all like, yeah dude!! I totally know, right?! So they send this old chick to come check it out, and she's all like asking questions about like how we decided to do this, and then she's all like, "Well, I think I can probably get you some medical marijuana to give to the octopi!" And I was all like OMG and shit!! Bcuz seriously, there's no fuckin' way I'm sharing that greenery with some octopus cuz that fag would probably choke on that shit! So the Kyle's all like, "BRO!!! SMOKE THAT SHIT AND BLOW IT INTO THE FILTER BRO!!! WTF!!!" So that's all like what we're gonna do and we hope it makes the octopodes be really chill and cool and grow their bangs long and come surfing with us.

I just want to thank the lead scientist on this project so much for talking to me about this. Except instead of thanking him so much, I'm going to beat him over the cranium with my phallus and steal his pot. So yeah, talk to you guys later.

Fire Bill Simmons.com?

2008-07-07T10:42:00.004-04:00

Should I just change the name of the blog to that? It's hard to believe, but he's at it again. This one's from the Magazine, and it's little more than more nationally syndicated Boston-centric arrogance. Never before, has a fan seemed to take so much pride and credit in the accomplishments of a team. He talks about the Sox and Celtics World Championships as though he's accomplished something by having been born in Boston.

This entire article is about the fact that he's got "nowhere to go but down."

Remember when Hugh Grant was arrested for soliciting a prostitute while he was dating Elizabeth Hurley?

Hey Simmons, that happened on June 27, 1995. In case you're bad with numbers, that was over 13 years ago. No Bill Simmons, I do NOT remember tabloid pop-culture happenings from 13+ years ago. Well, actually I do... but I don't talk about them like they're recent news, or write entire articles centered around imaginary rules that I made up because of them.

At the time, I, like every other red-blooded male, tried to put myself in Hugh's sullied shoes.

Yeah Bill, we all did it. Thirteen years ago. Do you have a point? Lets just skip ahead to your 10+ year old imaginary rule. Maybe you can work a fantasy league joke into this. Or the Ewing Theory.

After climbing Mount Everest—"Hey, I have my pick of hotties!"—he simply couldn't figure out what to do next.

Dude... what's your problem with Divine Brown? Maybe Hugh wanted some dark meat. Is that so fucking bad? Or are you just appalled by this because she's black, and you're a typical Bostonian fucking racist? It was 13 years ago. Shut the fuck up.

What does any of this have to with anything?

I'm glad you asked, because you're starting to frustrate me.

In the days following an improbable Celtics title, two questions have gnawed at me:

Am I a homosexual? And does anyone, anywhere, actually like me anymore? Wishful thinking Mr. Six, wishful thinking.

1. Have I peaked as a sports fan?

No, you haven't. My Yankees won 4 championships from 1996-2000. My Giants just ruined the perfect season of your Patriots. And my Rangers broke their championship drought only a year or so before Hugh Grant hooked up with Divine Brown. There's no such thing as "peaking" as a sports fan... because a sports fan DOESN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING. We drink beer and watch games. That's it. Fans don't hit free agency. We don't decline with age. WE'RE NOT ON THE FUCKING TEAM!!!!!

2. Am I headed for a Hugh/Divine moment?

Yes Bill, you are. You're going to go out tomorrow night, get drunk at some dive in Los Angeles and wake up next to someone who looks like this. There's nowhere to go but down for you... but that has nothing to do with your sports fandom or imaginary team-alliance. It's just because you're an asshole.

Remember, I'm a Sawx fan.

Jesus fucking Christ, Bill. Do you think anybody, anywhere has forgotten that? Especially if we still remember who Hugh Grant fucked 13+ years ago?

You know who's silently nodding their heads right now? New York Giants fans. They know they'll never beat the experience of rooting for a double-digit underdog that improbably terminated a bid for a perfect season in the Super Bowl.

I'm not nodding. I'm stifling the urge to vomit. The next time the Yankees win a championship, it'll be better than that Super Bowl. The next time any team I pull for wins a ring, it'll beat that Super Bowl... because it'll be happening "NOW" instead of "IN THE PAST." Whatever's happening in the present always feels sweeter than what's happened in the past. That's life.

And another thing, I love the Giants and the Yankees. I love the Knicks and Rangers too, but aren't there more important things in life? I do things in MY LIFE every day that beat "the experience of rooting for a double-digit underdog that improbably terminated a bid for a perfect season in the Super Bowl." A promotion at work beats the shit out of that. Taking my girlfriend to a Broadway show tops it. Dragging my little brother to his first Yankee game and smacking him in the head with a rolled up program until he stops insisting he's a Mets fan totally outranks it.

Point is, Bill, that we have real lives. We have marriages, divorces, births, deaths, taxes, rising gas prices and STDs. As great as it feels when one of my teams wins a championship, it's really not the biggest thing that happens in our lives in any given year. Our lives don't peak or crash based on a box score.

If yours does, maybe you should seek professional help. Like some kind of counselling or something.

And for the record, you don't have to worry about a Divine Brown moment. She wouldn't fuck you anyway. You think she's going to go from Hugh Grant to Bill Simmons?

Come on... the Cincinnati Bengals would have to win back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back Super Bowls for her to be due to crash to your level.

The Greatest 12 Minutes In Sports!!

2008-07-03T12:45:00.004-04:00

Right off the bat, here's my vote for the greatest athlete in professional sports today.

Yup, Takeru Kobayashi! As great as Tiger Woods, Alex Rodriguez, Sidney Crosby, Kobe, Peyton Manning, Bron-Bron and Albert Pujols may be, give some thought to it.

If professional sports didn't exist, their skills would be completely useless. Outside of the staged environments of baseball, football, basketball, golf and hockey, the ability to shoot or hit or skate... or whack a little white ball with a crooked stick are completely without purpose.

Kobayashi's skill has immense practical value! It has survival value! This man could eat an entire bison, leaving behind nothing for other predators and filling his belly for several days in one feeding... and that feeding would only take about 12 minutes!!!

This little son of a bitch is 130 lbs. soaking wet (which, by the way, is a very ineffective method for weighing yourself. You should really probably be dry.)

Think about your best Saturday night. You know the one I'm talking about. Your buddies want to hit the bar and you know you shouldn't, because you've got to be up early on Sunday because your girlfriend's dragging you to the Botanical Gardens to see the cherry blossoms and you don't want to go, but you know that if you blow it off, you're not getting laid for a VERY long time, so you agreed to it. So you tell your buddies you'll come but you're not gonna drink, and that shit goes out the window as soon as Tony comes over with a round of tequilas and beers, and the next thing you know, it's 6 o'clock in the morning and you're shirtless and stoned, with puke on your jeans at the counter at White Castle. You don't even know if it's your puke or somebody elses and you don't really give a shit. You're fumbling through your wallet trying to figure out how many of those little delicious belly bombs you can afford. Mike's passed out at the table. Tony's trying to flirt with the girl at the counter. You lost Ed back at the bar when he went outside with some girl... who you couldn't help but noticed had a very large Adam's apple.

You settle on about 20 burgers and 2 cokes and an order of fries and it takes like an hour for you chomp that shit down and you feel good.

Kobayashi eats that as a fucking warm-up. Could you imagine what it takes to curb this guys munchies after he hits the bong a couple of times? Latrell Sprewell's kids don't cost as much to feed as this guy.

Kobayashi, you are my hero. You shall defeat Joey Chestnut and bring great honor to this blog!!

D-Back's Catcher Busts a Nut

2008-07-02T10:56:00.002-04:00

But not in a good way. Not in a good way at all!!!

Chris Snyder took a foul ball to the twig and berries from Corey Hart and suffered what was diagnosed as...

A FRACTURED LEFT TESTICLE

I'm not making this up. Can you make this kind of shit up? In honor of Chris Snyder, I'm going to work out my first ever TOP TEN LIST!! Letterman style!! So without further delay, here's:

The Top Ten List of Bad Jokes To Be Made About What Happened to Chris Snyder!

10) Annnd... the count on Corey Hart is *cough* three balls... and one strike.
9) That catcher for the D-Backs has got a lot of balls!
8) Chris Snyder really goes nuts about baseball.
7) Snyder was removed from the major league roster after failing the testes.
6) Corey Hart introduced his new, cheap method of birth control today, to mixed reviews.
5) Nahh... they're like kidneys. You really only need one.
4) And I thought tennis elbow sucked.
3) Chris Snyder seemed tentative at the plate. Teammates suggested that he just didn't have the balls to be a major leaguer.
2) Peanuts! Get your peanuts!!!

Annnnd... the number one bad joke about what happened to Chris Snyder...

1) You're breakin' my balls here Hans! You're breakin' my balls!!

It's Cohn-Sketball!!

2008-07-01T13:01:00.003-04:00

What would I do without the Cohns? Probably the same thing I'd do without Bill Simmons or Dusty Baker. Or Jerry Manuel. What's that, you ask? Probably beat myself about the head with a baltine hammer. I might even turn to auto-erotic asphyxiation as a means of entertaining myself. You really never know.

Luckily, we don't have to find out because Iggy and Lowell are talking about the Golden State Warriors' selection of Anthony Randolph with the 14th pick in the Draft.

Lowell says: I don't like the Warriors' first pick, this Anthony Randolph.

I trust you have a very good reason for this Lowell, because you are a credible, intelligent and award-winning writer for the San Francisco Press Democrat.

He has potential written all over him,

Yeah, I know there's more to the sentence. But isn't this a good enough reason for Lowell Cohn to hate the pick? Alright, alright, here's the rest of the sentence.

which means he will, he might, deliver in some nebulous future but he ain't gonna deliver nothing now.

The sentence structure of "which means he will, he might, deliver" makes almost no sense to me. Moreso, the fact that he has "potential written all over him" is still construed to be a bad thing. The Warriors would have been much better off drafting Wilt Chamberlain's dead body, since it has no potential whatsoever.

Maybe general manager Chris Mullin will surprise us. Maybe he'll trade for a monster big man, the man who could anchor this scrappy entertaining midget team.

Lowell talks about Don Nelson in the article, but obviously he knows nothing about Don Nelson. Don Nelson benches Andris Biedrins because he WANTS to play small. Don Nelson has ALWAYS played small. Don Nelson is secretly afraid of anybody who stands taller than 6'9" because he thinks they're giant cyborgs who were sent back from the future to steal all of our Sweet 'n Low.

Until then, all I see is Randolph, a shrimp in a big man's body.

So you mean... exactly the kind of guy that Don Nelson will play. Yeah, terrible pick.

Iggy Says: Mullin wanted Kevin Garnett last year, but he couldn't close the deal. Since then, he's decided his team absolutely needs an athletic forward who can create match-up problems - i.e another Garnett.

No Iggy. Amazingly, you're also wrong. Nobody envisions Randolph turning into The Big Ticket. Nobody but you. Which is to reiterate, nobody. They're looking for an athletic guy who can run the floor and play an up-tempo game. They probably expect him to use his size and wing-span to defend and block some shots. I highly doubt they're expecting a guy who dropped to 14 to develop into one of the game's top 10 greatest power forwards in history.

So he's drafted big guy after big guy in hopes that one of these toothpicks "puts on weight" and becomes that player for him.

And again, putting on a little muscle, sure. But Iggy's describing it like Randolph is supposed to gain 100 lbs and ask Kobe how his ass taste.

Lowell replies: I can't believe you used the phrase "upside" and ipso facto -- what's up with that?

Tryin' to be a real sports journalist like my dear old dad!! Yeahhhh!!! By the way, I'm pretty sure Mel Kipper is in the process of suing everybody who's uttered the phrase "upside" without his express written consent. He trademarked that shit about 27 years ago.

Manny Being Schizophrenic!!!

2008-06-30T15:36:00.003-04:00

So a week after Shawn Chacon stomped a mudhole in Astros GM, Ed Wade (much to the joy of every Phillies fan in the country), now we're hearing that Manny Ramirez midget-tossed a Sox traveling secretary!

An interesting question was posed regarding the matter already, and here it is:

Other than a difference of 505 career homers, how was this attack different from Shawn Chacon's tussle with Ed Wade?

Here's the difference. Manny didn't attack his boss. If Manny had thrown Theo Epstein on the floor, then there'd be a good chance that he'd get cut loose by the team. However, at the same time, I think Epstein's also younger, more fit, and enough of a man to admit that he deserved it if he did, in fact deserve it.

Ed Wade's a crusty old chickenshit who, by some accounts, provoked Chacon and then cried foul when he got what he deserved. Wade claims that it's all Chacon's fault of course, but I've already picked my side of it... which is to say that I think Ed Wade deserved to be punched regardless of what happened... because he's a shitty GM.

Point is... that if you hit a co-worker, you'll probably get fired.
If you hit your boss... you're DEFINITELY getting shit-canned.

Plus, when you really think about it, Manny Ramirez is on the books for $20 Million a year, so to buy him out for half a season would cost the Sox $10 Million.

If the Red Sox traveling secretary sues the team for failing to discipline the ManRam, is he going to get $10 Million? Probably not, so even from a financial stance, it makes more sense to keep your best hitter, win games and make a run at the World Series.

Funny thing about it... Manny was trying to get 16 tickets for a game in Houston. Maybe Manny's tight with Chacon and did this to lobby for his addition to the Sox Roster!!

People Think He's a Moron

2008-06-30T11:15:00.005-04:00

This guy... some Atlanta Braves blogger. Evidently, people think he's some kind of jerkoff for suggesting that the Braves should sign Barry Bonds for the rest of the season.

Well he's absolutely correct. The Braves SHOULD sign Barry Bonds. 29 other major league teams should also sign him, because based on his stats as recently as last year, he's a better offensive player than 99% of the guys currently sitting on major league rosters.

More so, the fact that an AL Team hasn't signed him to DH is completely ridiculous. I hate steroids in baseball as much as ANYBODY and as a fan, I can puff myself up and wax poetic about how there's no place in the game of baseball for it, and that these guys should be banned for life and thrown in prison for breaking U.S. Laws relating to the abuse of narcotics and controlled substances.

I can do these things because I'm not the General Manager of a Major League Franchise. If I were a GM, I'd still be free to have my opinions, but I'd also have a job that obligates me to do my best to win baseball games. To be able to look my fans in the eye and say, "Yeah, I'm doing everything that I can, within the constraints of my owner's budget, to try to win games and win a championship."

And when you're the Seattle Mariners, and you've given over 200 at bats to Jose Vidro (.220/.269/.326, 5 HR, 9 2B, 35 RBI) as a DH, how can you honestly say that you're doing your best to win games? The answer is that you can't.

This Braves blogger nails it on the head. Bonds would cost as much as a minor leaguer. No talent has to be given up via trade to get him. He'd probably hit 15 to 20 home runs in half a season, not to mention drawing walks and getting on base at a freakishly high level, enabling the other bats in the lineup to drive in more runs.

And what are the cons?

Bonds hurts team chemistry. - Teams that win have better chemistry than teams that lose. Bonds helps you win a lot more than Matt Diaz.
Bonds is a boogieman. - Which means what exactly? Nothing.
Bonds is a prick. - I'd rather have a prick who can OPS 1.000+ than a nice guy with an OPS+ of 56 in my starting lineup.
Nobody likes Bonds. - His hometown fans will love him. They never stopped cheering for him in San Francisco, because the bottom line is that no matter how much of a cheating fucking asshole a guy is... you never hate him when he's playing well in your team's uniform.

Ask Yankee fans about Jason Giambi and Andy Pettitte. As Royals fans about Jose Guillen. Look over the Mitchell Report. Every team has guys who cheated, and every team cheers their players regardless of what they're accused of. Bonds would be no different.

And as for the legal issues, the feds have basically guaranteed that the trial won't start until after the season. So that's a non-issue.

Not investigating adding that kind of offensive weapon to your team is moronic. That's the bottom line.

Doug Stanhope - Fucking Hysterical

2008-06-27T15:12:00.003-04:00

Yeah, I've been listening to this guy for about a year now. He's fucking terrific. Sort of out of a similar vein to George Carlin's material, especially later in his career. A lot of religion and politics, and a deep understanding of the fact that the government is fucking you... which is something I'm obviously a huge believer in. Here's a clip, check the guy out. I'm rather sure you'll all enjoy him.

Learn the material, because you will be tested. Well, not really, but at least you'll know when I'm stealing his jokes.

This Amuses Me As Much As Upsets Me...

2008-06-27T11:24:00.005-04:00

This right here.

If you follow tennis at all then you've probably heard of Justin Gimelstob. I don't follow tennis at all, and I knew the name. Apparently, Justin's never dealt with the media before. He sat down with US Radio for an hour and talked to them like they were his frat buddies.

Hey Justin, they couldn't be more prepared to dig your grave if they came to the interview holding shovels and dressed like this. Moving right along, in the interview, Gimelstob tore into several female tennis players, calling them 'sexpots', 'douches', and 'bitches'.

Most of his venom was directed at Anna Kournikova, who he trained when she was a junior. He went so far as to say that he wouldn't hit it, because her face is only a 5, but he'd be happy if his brother tapped that ass. He called her a bitch and claimed that he's going to make her cry when he plays her in an exhibition next month.

There's an old joke about the words 'bitch' and 'slut' and it goes something like this.

A slut fucks everybody. A bitch fucks everybody but you.

And Justin, here's a tip for that exhibition match next month. Play completely naked! I'm sure Anna Kournikova will be moved to tears, plus it'll be really hard for her to hit a tennis ball while she's doubled over laughing at you.

I don't see what's good or funny about directing your attacks at this. Or this. Or this. It's actually completely nutless. Especially when we all know that this guy is at home right now waxing his carrot to pictures of Pete Sampras.

God, I can't believe I just wrote this much about tennis. But yeah, for the record, you can think whatever you want about chicks. You can say... whatever you want about chicks... privately. When you go on the record, calling a bunch of girls 'bitches' and 'sexpots' and shit... it's probably going to be a VERY long time before you get Waldo the One-Eyed Cyclops into the swimming pool again.

Because I Pride Myself on Keeping You Informed...

2008-06-26T14:44:00.005-04:00

I'm presuming that everybody's heard about Shaq's little rap escapade the other night.

Well, now you can get t-shirts that pose Shaq's most interesting question ever.

And just because it's my job to remember stuff that you've tried to forget... here's one of Shaq's other rap adventures.

I tawt I taw a puddy tat!!!

And just so you know, "I Quell Anal Hoes" is an anagram for Shaquille ONeal. I don't know why that's important, but it is.

People Are Oblivious to the Government!!

2008-06-26T11:43:00.006-04:00

This article was actually linked down below in the sponsor section of my page. (And by the way, if you like the job that I do here, you can go ahead and click on those things so I actually make some bucks from this work, but that's your call.)

This bunch of 'researchers' did a study on the tipping habits of people based on the race of the person providing a service.

The findings? Black taxi drivers receive smaller tips than White taxi drivers. Here's the funny thing though... it doesn't matter what the race of the passenger is. Black passengers give better tips to White Drivers too! Why? I don't fucking know. This isn't my specialty at all and I'm not really here to try to solve racism, although it's been a hot topic thanks to Jemele Hill and Imus.

The study suggests two solutions, both of which are completely fucking retarded:

1) Outlaw Tips - Yeah! That's a great way to solve the problem! Outlaw tips! Then NOBODY makes money!! The best way to solve a problem is always to bite off your own nose to spite your face!! Good thinking!! I'm sure taxi drivers everywhere will rally around the idea to cut their collective income by 20-40%.

2) Heavy Government Regulation of Tipping - DING DING DING!! Here's the agenda!!! THE GOVERNMENT WANTS YOUR TIPS!!!!

Anybody who works for tips will tell you that most of the money they earn in tips doesn't find it's way onto a tax form. It's tax-free income!!! The government has NO WAY of knowing!! Unless we allow them to create a set of hard guidelines for tips! Then they can use a little formula and know EXACTLY how much tips were earned.

But how on Earth would the Government get anybody to agree to something that would hurt them and take money out of their pockets! Simple!! Blame it on race!! Or gender! Or sexuality! It's because you're BLACK!! It's because you're a WOMAN!!! It's because you're GAY!!!

Let me make this clear. It's not because you're black or female or gay. It's because the Government wants your MONEY... and they need to DISTRACT YOU so they can STEAL IT!!

So lets presume that this study is true and whites make better tips than blacks.

Scenario A: Things as they are.
White Driver makes $200 a week in tips. Black Driver makes $150 a week in tips.
Total Earnings - White Driver: $200, Black Driver: $150

Scenario B: Government-established tips, heavily regulated, amounts determined by percentage of service cost.
White Driver makes $150 a week in tips. Black Driver makes $150 a week in tips.
Government taxes 100% of tips as income.
Total Earnings - White Driver: $85, Black Driver $85

So in this situation, equality comes at a cost of $65 - $115 a week. The government wins. Everybody else loses. Use your brains before you agree to shit that's going to take money out of your pocket in the name of imaginary equality.

Do yourself a favor and listen to this guy. He saw through what was going on. You should too.

Phils Fans Rejoice!!

2008-06-26T10:49:00.004-04:00

Someone finally kicked Ed Wade's ass for you!!! Yup, the GM that traded Curt Schilling for Omar Daal, Travis Lee and Vicente Padilla got served! He's also the guy who gave long-term deals to the fossilized remains of David Bell and Mike Lieberthal and a no-trade clause to Phillie favorite Bobby Abreu!!

Wade works for the Astros now, where he's already dealt Brad Lidge for spare parts and his entire minor league system for Mitchell Report alumni Miguel Tejada.

So why would anybody in their right mind want to kick his ass?

Yup, former Pirate/Yankee/Rockie Shawn Chacon pulled a Latrell Sprewell on him.

The part that I find upsetting is this: Chacon will get all the blame here. This cunt gets in Chacon's face, screaming and yelling like a fucking child. Chacon, by all accounts, is calm, relaxed and seemingly ready to behave like an adult, and the GM, who's many years his senior and in a prominent executive position for a major league baseball franchise, is acting like a little prick.

So Wade gets tossed on the floor and mounted... which he deserved. He really did. If you walked over to somebody in the streets and acted like this, you'd be lucky if they didn't pull a Jerry "I'll Cut You" Manuel on you!

To me, Chacon was perfectly justified in kicking his boss's stupid, crusty ass. You'd think that GMs and Coaches would learn by now, that they're dealing with powerhouse professional athletes who, in many cases, make a hell of a lot more money than the GM or Coach. Yelling and screaming a little as a posturing move is one thing... but getting right up in a guy's face like that is crossing a line that, in a lot of cases, is going to get an old man busted in the chops.

So yeah, fuck Ed Wade. He got what he deserved.

The Worst Michael Vick Joke Ever...

2008-06-25T15:44:00.004-04:00

And simultaneously the only time I'll ever mention the College World Series.

University of Georgia vs. Fresno State.

Yup. Bulldogs vs. Bulldogs... so I guess you could call it... a dog fight.

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it...

Porn Names in MLB?

2008-06-25T13:22:00.003-04:00

Here's the list...

It was written by some guy. The cool thing about it is that "some guy" might actually have less credibility than me! Well, I'm gonna steal his idea with a very slight variation. Baseball players with Porn names... but specifically CHICK PORN NAMES!!! If you saw girls with these names chowing box in a girl-on-girl movie, you wouldn't bat an eye about it. Just for the hell of it, I'm gonna link chick pictures whenever possible!!!

1) Kosuke Fukudome - How can anybody possibly beat this name? Break it down by syllable! Fuck-You, Do Me!!!!!!! What's more porn than that!?

2) Chase Headley - Hahaha, his name actually involves the words "Chase Head"

3) B.J. Upton - Girls named B.J. can go a long way in the business.

4) Kerry Wood - Kerri? Never the less, she loves the wood.

5) Dana Eveland - Just think of the name Eve Land, as a secondary innuendo for the vagina, in an Adam and Eve sort of way.

6) Joey Devine - Yeah, I'm picking on the Oakland A's. I didn't give this guy the same last name as Ava.

7) Dallas McPherson - Brings new meaning to Debbie Does Dallas.

8) Jesse Litsch - If you say it fast... or if you call him Jesse-liscious. Which isn't a stretch.

9) Coco Crisp - First search of the name Coco on Google Images. I rest my case.

10) Randy Winn - Who also should have made the male list... with a name like RANDY. That goes both ways...

Pacman Being Profiled?

2008-06-25T10:01:00.003-04:00

I figure I should at least glance over this new Don Imus garbage, since I tore into Jemele Hill yesterday. In the name of fairness and all that.

I'll start by saying that I don't hate Pacman Jones. I probably should, because he's an imbecile, but I don't because... well, he amuses me. Come on, you giggled a little when he pulled that "make it rain" stunt with the garbage bag full of dollar bills.

Don Imus made sure to point out that Pacman's black when his arrest record was brought up and concluded "Well, there you go. We know why" he's been arrested so many times.

Well, Imus needed to weasel off the racist hook, so here we go...

“What people should be outraged about is that they arrest blacks for no reason,” Imus said Tuesday. “I mean, there’s no reason to arrest this kid six times. Maybe he did something once, but everyone does something once.”

Lets see what Adam Jones' wikipedia page says on the subject.

On July 13, 2005 Jones was arrested on charges of assault and felony vandalism stemming from a nightclub altercation.

On October 2005, in a petition filed by the State of West Virginia, it was alleged that Jones had not made regular and sufficient contact with his probation officer

On August 25, 2006, Jones was arrested in Murfreesboro, Tennessee for disorderly conduct and public intoxication after claiming that a woman stole his wallet. She claimed that she did not steal anything and Jones spat on her. Police officers said they ordered Jones to leave several times, but he refused, continuing to shout profanities at the woman.

On October 26, 2006. Jones was cited for misdemeanor assault for allegedly spitting in the face of a female student from Tennessee State University during a private party at Club Mystic, a Nashville nightclub.

Jones also is set to appear in a Fayetteville, Georgia court in 2007 for his February 2006 incident on subpoenas for felony and misdemeanor obstruction of justice charges for an incident outside a home.

On June 18, 2007 Jones was sought by police for questioning after a shooting at an Atlanta strip club allegedly involved members of his entourage.

And that's without talking about the Vegas thing... read that one for yourself.

Here are the highlights.

1) Pacman grabbing a stripper by the hair and slamming her head on the stage because she was taking money that he dropped out of a garbage bag onto the stage at a strip club without his permission.

2) Jones threatening the life of the security guard who stopped him from making a bass drum out of a girl's head.

3) A member of Pacman's entourage returning to the club and shooting the security guard who's life Jones had just threatened. The guard is now paralyzed. Forever.

So lets summarize. Two shootings. Two instances of spitting on a woman. Two assault charges. Vandalism. Skipping out on his probie.

Yeah Imus, sounds to me like he's being unfairly targeted. What kind of fucking country is this when a guy can't take 27 of his closest friends, go to a gentleman's club, practice his crossover with the foreheads of strippers and then shoot the place up without getting arrested!!

There go my plans for Friday night.

Jemele Hill's Apology

2008-06-24T13:00:00.003-04:00

It's not a Buzz Bissinger... but we'll take (a dump all over) it...

The beginning is easy: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being thoughtless and insensitive.

And offensive to Jews, Veterans, Mel Gibson, the Reagan Administration and basically all of America?

I'm sorry for making a casual reference to something that should never be construed as casual.

Saying that being a Celtics fan is akin to thinking "Hitler was a victim" isn't really a casual reference. Something about mentioning Hitler is never casual. Unless it's Emo Hitler.

Real apologies don't mix with rationalizations, so I won't insult your intelligence by offering you any.

But you just rationalized it by saying that these were "casual references." That's a rationalization. And I bet you're going to spend a page-and-a-half rationalizing it further, aren't you? My intelligence is bracing for insult.

This isn't about my editors because even if the word "Hitler" never appeared in the posted column last Saturday, that doesn't change the fact that I wrote it and, at the time, found humor in making a moronic comparison between a man who was responsible for killing millions to Detroiters who root for the Boston Celtics.

This sounds a lot like rationalization. Although it's good to know that you thought it was funny when you wrote it. I thought you were going for shock effect. Now I realize that you actually laughed about it, and I'm actually more insulted.

This is about my living up to a standard I expect of everyone else -- respect, awareness, honesty and accountability.

It's kind of about being a hypocrite Jemele. You've been writing about the topic of race and racism for the last year-and-a-half. You've torn into every white person who's given you ANY reason. You've basically demanded the heads of Don Imus and Kelly Tilghman for similar (but not nearly as offensive) remarks on LIVE BROADCASTS.

The difference is that Don Imus and Kelly Tilghman don't get to take back the words they say. You're writing an article, which you presumably re-read and edit in some manner. You had numerous chances to adhere to that "standard" of yours. You failed at "respect" and "awareness" when you made the remarks. And this apology isn't doing much for "honesty" or "accountability."

In January, I wrote about Kelly Tilghman, the Golf Channel anchor who was suspended two weeks for joking on the air that young players should "lynch [Tiger Woods] in a back alley." I wrote, "... those who, like Woods, believed this is a 'non-issue' would understand that the word 'lynch' is off-limits to most blacks, just as joking about the Holocaust is off-limits to most Jews."

Okay, so you knew better than to make such a 'joke' and you did it anyway. This apology is making you look a lot more like someone who needs to be fired.

I got too comfortable with my own knowledge and history of dealing with racial issues.

You mean since that's all you write about? Race? So you're telling me that your ignorant remarks were bred by YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF THE SUBJECT?!

I dropped my guard. I got caught up in being cutesy and wrote something stupid.

Cutesy!? You think that's fucking cutesy!? The implication that Celtics fans favor seeing America nuked by the Russians is cutesy!? Jesus fucking Christ, I want you fired more now than when I read your stupid fucking comments.

Just because I'm a black woman doesn't mean I've got an automatic sensitivity chip for cultures outside of my own.

Yeah, it really just means that you're safe to write whatever you want about the topics of race and/or gender and nobody will call you on your bullshit for fear of being called racist. However, I'll take this statement to mean that you're admitting that you're completely unqualified for your job, and that you deserve to be fired.

In the Tilghman column, I wrote, "While I don't believe [Tilghman] is a racist, I certainly wouldn't classify what she said as a 'slip.' A cussword is a slip. This was a constructed, racial scenario that is a frightening reminder for some people in this country."

Maybe Tilghman got caught up in being cutesy! You know what is a constructed, racial scenario that is a frightening reminder for some people in this country? Holocaust Denial!!! Which is what you're doing when you suggest that Hitler was a victim. Which you did.

The moment I put "Hitler" and "victim" in the same sentence, I did the exact same thing. It doesn't matter that my intent was to use hyperbole to bolster the humor.

You were using hyperbole to bolster the humor? I thought you were being cutesy. Make up your fucking mind. And in order to bolster the humor, there must first be humor. The fact that you keep insisting that any part of this is humorous really only tells me that you're not sorry enough, and should be fired.

I once wrote about Don Imus that "speech is free, but consequences are not."

You also wrote that if "he needs to be fired to understand that this is unacceptable, then so be it." And here you are, with the assertion that you simply mis-worded a joke. You constructed a racial scenario that is a frightening reminder for some people in this country. Remember?

My consequence is losing some of my credibility, and for me, that's a stiff penalty.

That's a non-existent penalty. The fact that you're apparently going to keep your job is proof that you haven't been held accountable even slightly for your actions. The only punishment stiff enough for Imus was a swift firing, right? So if you were to hold yourself to that same standard, then you should quit your job. Shouldn't you Jemele? Wouldn't that be a show of your integrity?

I learned some good and some not-so-good things about people during the week of my suspension. I've learned who my friends are.

You have friends? When did this happen?

I've learned Boston Celtics fans sure do know how to make the most out of e-mail.

So you've learned to continue mocking Celtics fans, basically? Aren't they entitled to e-mail you after being compared to fucking Nazis?! I don't agree with Beantowners much, but they get a free pass when it comes to you. And it never expires.

When it comes to race, uncomfortable is best.

When it comes to race, maybe ESPN really doesn't need someone who's exclusive job is to write about it. Have we considered that option? That maybe if people didn't make their LIVING off of pointing out instances of racism... that maybe we wouldn't spend so much time thinking about race? And maybe if we didn't spend so much time thinking about race... there'd be less racism?

I'll tell you something that DOESN'T reduce racism. Paying people to climb onto a pedestal and point their finger while screaming, "RACIST! RACIST! RACIST!!" every time they disagree with someone's actions.

I'm not going to stop writing about race.

I'm not going to stop insisting that you need to be fired, because you've learned nothing. You've simply rationalized the situation... after telling me that you weren't going to insult my intelligence with rationalizations.

You've claimed ignorance, humor, knowledge, hyperbole and 'being cutesy' as excuses. None of these excuses holds any degree of water, and none of it makes this better.

Do yourself a favor and fall on your sword. The only reason ESPN hasn't fired you, is because they're scared you'll call them Racists.

My first (Hat)Post!

2008-06-24T11:49:00.004-04:00

For those of you who've been to FJM, either by my rampant promotion of them, or just because you know your way around the net and found it yourself, you'll know this guy. His name is Mike Celizic, aka Hat Guy. I've been dying to write something of Hat Guy's up for months now, and I finally have the chance, so suffice to say, I'm a happy (Hat) guy! And better still... because Mr. Hat's article involves Jessica Simpson... the blue links will probably bring you to pictures of her, which is always nice. So here we go...

There should be great rejoicing in Dallas at the news that Tony Romo has told gal pal Jessica Simpson that it’s been a fun summer, but now it’s time for football.

Most people probably don't care, because most people probably aren't dumb enough to believe that it's her fault the Cowboys lost to the Giants. Then again, we are talking about Texans here... so maybe I'm wrong and Mr. Hat is right. Yeah, lets go with that. Lets blame the Cowboys loss on this.

Simpson probably isn’t used to hearing that there is something in the world more important than she is.

She doesn't strike me as self-obsessed, a little ditzy for sure, but not a complete self-absorbed bitch.

It’s not anything most women, let alone a famous actress and singer, want to hear from their men.

Ahh, makes more sense now. This is more along the lines of "misogynistic comment from a guy who hasn't been fucked since he served that stint in prison for stealing hats" than "an attack on Jessica Simpson because... well... she probably can't read and thus won't see it."

Quarterbacks, not even famous ones playing for the legendary Dallas Cowboys, don’t have time for romances with high-maintenance celebrities. Look at Tom Brady, the other swinging NFL bachelor quarterback.

*Head scratch* Umm... wha? Oh, okay I understand. The word "not" screws this entire sentence. Now I understand Mr. Professional Hat-Wielding Journalist. So how many NFL Quarterbacks have you spoken to? You know... to verify your poorly-stated findings? None? Ahh, okay. And yes, lets look at Tom Brady. The Tom Brady who was in NY playing with his super-model girlfriend the week before the Super Bowl... in which he played poorly...and in which his team lost. The difference? Pats fans blame their Offensive Line. And Matt Walsh.

His girlfriend is a famous model, Gisele “The Brady” Bundchen, but she doesn’t have an ego that needs constand feeding. (Misspelling is his)

Gisele "The Brady" Bundchen? Number one... that's not even slightly funny. And number two, Chris Berman is on the phone with his lawyers right now. He's made a 30+ career out of shitty nickname jokes and you can't just shit all over his trademark Mr. Celizic!! How would you like it if Chris Berman started wearing a hat?

They spend time together usually without anyone even being aware he’s in New York staying over.

Or maybe his fans are smart enough to understand that he doesn't have a bad game because he's distracted by his girlfriend. Whereas George Carlin once said that the best thing about the Death Penalty in Texas is... less Texans.

Guys like Peyton Manning and Bret Favre like to have everything in order. So they get married young, and they usually stay married. And they marry good, solid women who understand that they’re not just wives but also a support team.

There you have it. They figure it's best to get all that stupid family shit out of the way early so they can concentrate on football. In fact, most NFL Quarterbacks have arranged marriages. It works sort of like this:

Dan Marino: Hey coach...
High School Coach: Yes, young Dan Marino?
DM: I'm thinking that I need to get marriage out of the way before life gets messy.
HSC: Probably a good idea, young Dan!
DM: So here's what I want. I want you to find me a woman... but not just any woman. A good, solid woman!!
HSC: Good, check. Solid, check. Strong on plow too?
DM: Yeah, strong on plow. But you know... a woman who understands that she's a support team, and that football comes ahead of things like having children and loving each other.
HSC: So I'm looking for a good, solid woman who's strong on plow and doesn't mind that you don't love her or want to spend time with her. Got it. Shouldn't be too hard.

And the ones who don’t get married sort of dabble in romance, like Brady, but without letting the relationship get in the way of football.

Except for that time that he was limping around NY with Gisele the week before the Super Bowl, which his team lost. Or the time when he dumped his baby mama, and dragged all that baby mama drama around with him for several months.

Romo seemed a different case. His last girlfriend was another high-profile actress, Jennifer Anniston. Then it was Simpson, who came with her very involved – some would say meddling – father, Joe, and her sister and the whole Simpson clan.

1) Her name is spelled Jennifer Aniston, with only one N, got that Mike Spelizic?!
2) Tony Romo never dated her. His last high-profile actress was Carrie Underwood, not Jennifer Aniston. Did you fact-check any of this Hat Guy?
3) Joe Simpson's a little crazy. Ashlee Simpson's married with a kid (maybe) on the way. How much of a headache can she possibly be? Has anybody heard anything about anybody else in that family? Like ever?

Cowboy fans decided she was bad luck, which is a little harsh.

Then why are you writing this article Mr. Top Hat? And if the 2008 Cowboy's failings are the fault of Jessica Simpson and bad luck, then who are the blaming for 2007, when he couldn't take a fucking snap? Maybe Romo is just a choke artist.

And now they’re back together, except he’s concentrating on football first and if he’s got some spare moments, she’s welcome to come over and watch him study game film.

Tony, Jessica, do yourselves a favor and check outside your window. In the bushes, there must surely be a man in a hat. He's watching you. He knows what you do when you're alone... or maybe he's talking out his ass again, like when he misspelled Jennifer Aniston's name while insisting (wrongly) that she's dated Tony Romo.

Curt Schilling... Hall of Famer?

2008-06-23T16:22:00.004-04:00

Probably not, right? But if it's even remotely possible, Red Sox Nation Media Affiliate, ESPN will push the idea as early and as often as humanly possible.

If you ever doubted that ESPN is, as a whole, a card-carrying member of Red Sox Nation, all you need do is look at Page 2 of late, and read over the 7,402 articles (I didn't count, but I'm pretty sure it's 7,402, give or take a couple) sucking off the ref-slanted Celtics series victory over the Lakers.

It's been the same kind of interactive gangbang following Sox championships and Patriots championships, with Bill Simmons writing 17 entries a week to express nothing other than his arrogant fanboy drivel. Lately Jim Caple's getting into the mix. DJ Gallo and Patrick Hruby are crusading against those bastard "bandwagon Cubs" fans.

I wonder what Jemele Hill's up to... oh wait... she's still on suspension for likening Celtics fans to Nazi's. Which sorta makes me wonder if she's in trouble for the offensive nature of her statements... or because it was directed at Boston fans specifically.

But back to Schilling. We'll get to the numbers in a minute... Jayson Stark thinks Schill in the Hall is debatable. Rob Neyer thinks he's a lock.
And as for the Baseball Tonight crew?

Buster Olney: "you've got to look at his incredible post-season record! 11-2!!!"

Which means that we're inducting Curt Schilling based on 19 post-season starts. I guess that means there's a pretty good case for Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez too then, right? I mean, he's 9-3 with a 2.55 Post-Season ERA!! And he's won 3 rings! The same as Schilling!! Who cares if he's 210 wins short of the criteria that EVERY OTHER PITCHER has to conform to!?! LOOK AT THOSE POST-SEASON NUMBERS!!!

Orestes Destrade: If Schilling is a Hall of Famer, then so is Orel Hershiser!

Good point!! Great point!! Similar to my El Duque point... except that Destrade keeps going... as though to say that they BOTH belong in the Hall of Fame... and again, no... they do not.

Now for the numbers. Schilling is 216-146 for his career with 3116 strikeouts, a 3.46 ERA. Here are some guys with very similar numbers to these...

Kevin Brown: 211-144, 3.28 ERA
Bob Welch: 211-146, 3.47 ERA
Orel Hershiser: 204-150, 3.48 ERA
Mike Mussina: 260-149, 3.71 ERA
David Cone: 194-126, 3.46 ERA

Are these guys Hall of Famers by your estimation? Because if Schilling's in, the Mussina should be a lock, right?

Now take this into account: Before Schilling went to Boston, he was sitting at 163-117. He's gone 53-29 behind an team that's ranked 1 or 2 in pretty much every major statistical category for the entire time he's been there.

Shouldn't that be considered? Isn't that part of the reason that Mike Mussina's not a Hall of Famer? Because he's won 113 games behind the Yankees robust offense?

All in all, no. Curt Schilling is abso-fucking-lutley not a Hall of Famer. His numbers come up short in a few categories, and with exception to a period of 3 years between Arizona and his first year in Boston (which might well have been PED-Fueled), he's never been among the best in the game. Not to mention the fact that he's one of the biggest fucking blowhards to ever write a blog, and I somehow feel as though the entire blogosphere has been contaminated by it. So I'm a biased asshole too.

Rest In Peace: George Carlin.

2008-06-23T14:23:00.003-04:00

People listen to a guy like George Carlin, and they hear a comedian, because he presents the truth to you in a funny way. They call it dark satire. What those people don't realize is that in this day and age, there's no such thing as a 'philosopher' any more.

We have no Plato, no Descartes. No Thomas Hobbes or Friedrich Nietzsche. Aristotle is dead. Rousseau is long gone. Nobody has replaced them, and nobody is ever going to, because true sociology, true philosophy has the ability to open eyes, and to make a general populous realize injustice and the need to rise up against it.

Comedy merely entertains. Listen to this clip and tell me that he's wrong.

And what do we do? We laugh at what he says. We know it's true and that's what makes it funny. But it's also what makes it sad. We lost a great comedian in George Carlin, but we lost an even better Philosopher and Thinker. And these contributions shouldn't be overlooked just because the guy made you laugh at everything that's wrong with this world.

Contrary to Popular Belief!!!

2008-06-23T12:52:00.006-04:00

In direct contradiction to every stereotype to ever exist about men...

Here is proof that guys find a girl with a brain sexy.

The fact of the matter is that the only people who specifically want to date retarded women, are retarded men. So yeah, if we're talking about dating trends among inbred, West Virginians... then IQ's probably not very high on the list.

However, if we're talking about big cities or even suburban life... having something to talk about is definitely high on the list. Not as high up the list as nice tits... but pretty high.

The point is this ladies. Now would be a good time to go get yourself a library card. Don't trade your gym membership for it... but having both might be a good idea.

Unless you wanna date this guy. And you're gonna have to fight Pam for him.

Proof That People Will Never Get It...

2008-06-23T10:10:00.003-04:00

In the Year of Darkness, 2029, the rulers of this planet devised the ultimate plan. They would reshape the Future by changing the Past. The plan required something that felt no pity. No pain. No fear. Something unstoppable. They created 'THE TERMINATOR.'

Okay, so maybe it's not that dire. Basically the assertion of that article, is that bloggers are suddenly, and collectively starting to "get it." We (and I generously include myself in this discussion) are suddenly realizing that we can no longer go off half-cocked, or quarter-cocked (but it's okay to go off cockless if you're a chick blogger) with whatever rumors or opinions that we might have.

We're maturing! We're growing and aging! We have hair on our still underdeveloped pubic regions now, and one day, if encouraged and guided by a father-figure like Jay Mariotti, we might one day stop masturbating furiously to midget porn and leave the safety of our mother's basements, and in doing so, we might gain a semblance of credibility!

Sites such as SportsbyBrooks, Kissing Suzy Kolber, With Leather and Mr. Irrelevant have touted themselves as edgy and independent, outsiders free to write what mainstream media will not.

Which is, of course, a good thing, right? Because additional coverage from different perspectives can only enlighten readers to the different interpretations of a situation, or entertain them with a more humor-driven approach to a serious topic. And anybody who's not interested, doesn't have to read. Who could take issue with that?

Critics have portrayed them differently: the rabid fan sitting at a computer in his parents' basement, in his pajamas, spewing opinion.

Who are these critics, because I think we've already established that they're full of shit. Why... I think they're professional sportswriters! I think it's the hacks who are taking salaries to sit in their pajamas and spew opinion!! Could they possibly feel threatened by the fact that now anybody can do their job, and in many cases, do their job better than they're capable of doing it?

Or to ask the same question in a more concise manner... is it possible that the people who are most critical of blogging are the people who's careers are most directly threatened by it?

"Bloggers are maturing and realizing that we're moving out of the childhood age of this industry, into an awkward adolescence," said Robert Niles, who chronicles new media on his SensibleTalk.com website. "For some bloggers, they can see adulthood on the horizon."

And then there's this asshole! Some douche bag who's pushing his own website by speculating about the motives of hundreds of other writers whom he's never met, and probably never read. It's not about childhood or adulthood. It's about what the blogger is trying to accomplish by writing a blog... and that varies for EVERY. SINGLE. BLOGGER.

There is no research being conducted regarding the maturation curve of members of the blogosphere. There are no studies being funded by UCLA's Department of Bullshit on the Internet. Nobody's being interviewed by the New York Times. Robert Niles of SensibleTalk.com is very sensibly talking out his ass about something he has no way of knowing.

"It's a question of how successful do we want to be and how much are we willing to adjust our approach?" said Mike Florio of ProFootballTalk, who began blogging in 2000. "We're gaining revenue, gaining credibility."

Says the owner of ONE BLOG. Mike Florio of ProFootballTalk.com decided that given the chance to gain credibility, and thus potentially increase his earning potential, that he would pass on the chance to talk about Terrell Owens in Bang Bros Porn. And for Mike Florio, that's probably the right decision.

If somebody came to me tomorrow and offered to pay me $100,000.00 a year to write this blog under their domain, under the condition that I promise to never use profanity again... well Shitfuckshitfuckbitchcocktitsmotherfuckballsdirtysanchez!!! I would most definitely take that deal!!

"We're trying to make money on this," said A.J. Daulerio, a senior writer for Deadspin. "Without going completely porn, the best way to do that is to add a more journalistic element."

Wow A.J. Daulerio from Deadspin!! You're trying to make money too?! That's why Mike Florio from ProFootballTalk added a more journalistic approach to his dealings!! So let me re-write the premise of this article. The new title is:

Wild Times for Sports Blogs That Want to Be Credible and Make Money May Be Nearing an End!

Because the bottom line is the writer's aims and goals. If you want to gain credibility and turn profit, then at some point, you need to sanitize your act. And in doing so, bloggers are also bringing to light the greatest fears of 'sports journalists'... because people are starting to turn to Deadspin instead of FoxSports or ESPN. Why? Because it's not the same old crusty bullshit and stale views from the last 20 years. It's new, it's exciting, and it's not totally made-up.

Best Paid Benchwarmers?

2008-06-20T15:32:00.005-04:00

I love comments. And I love e-mails (primeoffense@yahoo.com). And this is your chance to do one or the other.

Forbes released a list of the Best Paid Benchwarmers in Sports. I'm gonna focus mainly on the baseball end of this... because I think they missed a lot of guys who belonged on this list. Here's what they came up with:

1) Dave Roberts ($6.5M)
2) Jacque Jones ($6.3M)
3) Jay Payton ($5M)
4) D-meat-hook Young ($5M)
5) Frank Catalanotto ($4M)

Well how about the following guys? How do they miss this cut?

Carl Pavano is making $11M this year to not pitch for the Yankees.
Brandon Inge is on the books for $6.2M and it is his job to watch Miguel Cabrera hack it up at third base.
Coco Crisp makes $5M as a 4th outfielder without a bat.
Gary Matthews, Jr. is Anaheim's Coco Crisp... only for $9.4M this year.
Juan Pierre's making $8M this year. And Nomar Garciaparra is making $9.5M. Do I need to say more?

Who am I forgetting here? There's got to be a lot more of these guys... I thought it was a joke that Frank Catalanotto made a top 5... because his salary is only slightly above the major league average... I knew there had to be worse guys out there. There are probably more.

So please, give me your opinions on this. I want to know who you think is stealing money from your team. Lets make an Interactive Gangbang out of this topic!!!!!

Girls Gone Wild! You're Doing It Wrong!!!

2008-06-20T13:48:00.003-04:00

Check this out guys...

It had to be a chick from New York, didn't it? Smoking on a plane, bitchslapping flight attendants and spewing racial slurs like a Lohan on Crystal Meth!

They're saying she had 2 beers in the airport and 3 'vodka drinks' on the plane. So five drinks. If this bitch got that nuts on five drinks, I'm DYING to see what she'd do during a full night at a crazy, fucked up bar.

If you're Christina Szele, or you know her, or whatever, point her in this direction. Christina, I'm hereby inviting you out to Coyote Ugly's for a night of drunken antics. The night will be entirely on me, but I'll give you fair warning that anything that happens will be written about the next day.

And before anybody gets their brain broken over it, NO, I'm not looking to get lucky with a drunk chick. That's not how I roll (plus I'm happily taken). I just kinda want to see some train-wreck chick getting fucked up and starting the Royal Rumble on top of the bar.

Interactive Gangbangs and The First Amendment!

2008-06-20T11:41:00.002-04:00

Right off the bat, you're better off reading the coverage of what I'm gonna talk about at FireJoeMorgan.com. They're funnier and more professional and shit than I am. So click that link, read that, laugh and come back...

Junior at FJM basically nailed this one on the head. I really only have one thing to add.

“The younger generation likes the snarky tone,” says Bissinger. “They like the gossip, they like the juice. I don’t think they really appreciate good writing and reporting, and those, to me, are precious arts. . . . It’s all some interactive gangbang.”

Interactive gangbang! Hey Buzz, I don't know if you've ever BEEN to an actual gangbang, but let me tell you, it's a pretty interactive process. I was at this one gangbang with Darryl Strawberry, Steve Howe and the cast of 'Friends' this one time in 1995. Darryl brough the cocaine and autographed Wally Backman baseballs for all of us. It was a great night and lemme tell you, there's a REASON that Jennifer Aniston's a star and it's related to the reason that the first half of her name is so similar to the word anus.

He's my summation on this topic.

There are people who are good at everything. And there are people who are bad at everything.
There are good blogs, like FJM and Deadspin. And there's this blog right here.
While FJM is the David Halberstam of snarky blogging, I'm probably closer to the Mike Lupica.
That doesn't make blogging bad or wrong or evil.

Buzz Bissinger's logic is akin to getting rid of the sport of baseball because Michael Jordan was a shitty player and saying, "Come on! He's fucking AMAZING at Basketball! THE ENTIRE SPORT OF BASEBALL IS CLEARLY THE FUCKING PROBLEM!!! BASEBALL IS FULL OF SHIT!!!"

You'd Do It Too... Hell, I Would...

2008-06-19T15:07:00.003-04:00

Check this shit out!!

Yup, that's a billboard for Will Smith's new movie, Hancock.

The workers decided to hang the letters from right to left. And then take a cigarette break after (for lack of a better choice of words) hanging the word that rhymes with... well... COCK!! And what's even funnier are the red letters above it... 'VUE.' So basically... it says "View Cock!"

Come on, you thought I was going to write an entire post without any kind of profanity? Who do you take me for? Bill Plaschke?! We can't all get bye on poetic sentence fragments, but just for shits and giggles, I'll take a stab at it...

There they hung.
The letters.
Silver majesty.
The K.
It was a capital K.
Bigger than the 'coc'.
Double.
The size.
It spelled.
A word.
A four-letter word.
One that's synonymous with 'rooster'.
And Bill Plaschke drooled.
Wanting to eat one.
Not a rooster.
A cock.
Like a big penis.
Because he's gay.
Buzz Bissinger.

Because what kind of blogger would I be if I didn't say his name?

Tribute to Mr. Jerry Manuel

2008-06-19T13:30:00.006-04:00

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta! Thank God Jerry Manuel got a managerial job! And Thank God he got it close to home for me so I can laugh at the antics of this butt-fucking Finkelstein.

I really thought I was going to just bash Bill Simmons and Dusty Baker for the rest of their lives (or until they return to whatever planets they respectively come from.) But now there's Jerry.

He should cut Reyes every time he pops up a ball. Sort of an extreme version of Willie Mays Hayes doing push-ups!

Straight ball, I hit it very much!!! And for the record, no. Jesus Christ cannot hit a curveball. And that's a capital NO, just so we're clear!

Although Christ bangs hanging sliders like he's a Republican Senator and they're 12-year old Malaysian boys.

Injuries Make You an Asshole!

2008-06-18T13:49:00.007-04:00

Jeff Passan, how I've missed thee. I shall write thee sweet prose to profess my love for your moronic ramblings!

My love for you is like a truck! Berserker!!!
Would you like some making fuck! Berserker!!!
My love for you is like a rock! Berserker!!!
Would you like to smoke some pot! Berserker!!!
My love for you is ticking clock! Berserker!!!
Would you like to suck my cock! Berserker!!!
Would you like some making fuck! Berserker!!!

Wait a second, those are the lyrics to Berserker, by Love Among Freaks. Whatever. Jeff Passan wrote this article. It's a steaming piece of shit as usual. It's about overpaid/underpaid guys in baseball. Problem is that most of the "overpaid" guys are injured. And most of the underpaid guys are on rookie contracts or arbitration-year deals.

Guys who are 'overpaid' mostly because of injuries: Nomar Garciaparra, Carl Pavano, Jason Schmidt, Mike Hampton, Denys Baez, Mark Prior (who's only making $1M this year)

I'm sure that if you dig up Jason Schmidt's 2007 Christmas list, the only thing he asked Santa to bring him was shoulder surgery! These guys are all obviously thrilled that they get to sit on the DL, constantly having doctors cut into their bodies with sharp objects. I'm sure they'd rather go through 8 hours a day of painful rehab than play baseball pain-free for 3 hours a day.

Guys who are 'underpaid' because they haven't hit free agency yet: Kevin Youkilis, Ian Kinsler, Grady Sizemore, Dan Haren, Brandon Webb.

Because Brandon Webb and Dan Haren aren't going to be making at least $15 million a year once they hit the open market. And Sizemore isn't going to find some retarded owner to give him $25 million and his own daytime TV show *cough-Ned Coletti-cough.

Oh, and while we're on the topic of poetry, here's Jeff Passan's poem to Mike Hampton!

Hamstring, elbow, Tommy John
Disabled list you’re always on
Mr. Hampton, you’re the best
Working on three years’ rest
Fucking incredible. Now I know why Jeff Passan makes his living in sports journalism, and I've only made $0.97 from Google AdSense since I started this site. Sweet fucking poems.

New Reality Show: Double-Talking with the Stars!

2008-06-18T11:04:00.004-04:00

That was a shitty title for this post. I apologize. Lets get right to business. Jemele Hill is in trouble. To explain why, we need to go back in time. Far, far back... to a time when Don Imus cracked jokes about Women's NCAA Basketball...

“He is routinely offensive to people of color and women,” Hill wrote, “and if he needs to lose his job to understand that there is no place for that, so be it.”

Abso-fucking-lutley right! Fuck Don Imus. Fuck him in his wrinkled, rustic, brokeback cowboy hat-wearing ass! Fuck him with the nozzle of a spray-can of Kraft Easy Cheese until his orifices leak yellowish-brown discharge. The guy should have to play centerfield for daily circle jerks from the Chippendales for what he said about women of color! Fu... wait... Jemele's still here... okay, go ahead Jemele. I got carried away.

“Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. It’s like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan.”

Yeah!! Fuck the Celt... wait... what?! I just got completely lost here. Let me get this straight now.

We agree that cracking a bad joke about black female basketball players is ugly, and the dipshit who did it probably deserved to get shit-canned for it. And he did. And we did rejoiced!

But somehow, implying that Bostonians are in favor of nuclear holocaust is okay? Just in case you're not fully following these statements that Jemele made, let me break them down.

Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. - Has anybody ever said this ever? Is anyone that completely bat-shit insane? I just talked to Mel Gibson about this statement and he said that was taking the whole Jew-hating thing a little too far.

It’s like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan. - I was kind of hoping that nobody got to the blinking red button. The blinking red button meant that nukes were going to start flying. And if Gorbachev got there first, we were toast. A lot of Celtics fans would have died if Gorbachev pushed that button. So, by Jemele's estimation, not only do Celtics fans hate America, and want to see you all die a horrible death... but they're also suicidal!

How could Jemele possibly explain herself when grilled about this situation?

“In expressing my passion for the NBA and my hometown of Detroit I showed very poor judgment in the words I used.”

Ohhhhh!!! It all makes sense now!!! Jemele attacked the entire city of Boston, the entire Jewish religion, the entire United States of America and every World War II Veteran in the WORLD... because she's a fucking Pistons fan!!!!

Hey Jemele, I'm again failing to see the correlation between

Pistons Fan, and...

Biggest fucking moron in the history of ESPN (and I hope you all realize how significant it is, to be the biggest moron in the history of a media group that has employed people like: Bill Simmons, Chris Berman, Steve Phillips, John Kruk, Peter Gammons and Joe Morgan, among others.)

Jemele Hill has been suspended. She should be fired. To put it in Jemele's own words...

Her routine is offensive to WWII Veterans, Mel Gibson, Germans, Bostonians, Jews and America, and if she needs to lose her job to understand that there's no place for that, then so be it.

The Blowing Cohns Update!!!!!

2008-06-17T16:09:00.004-04:00

Some of you might remember the following from my May 27th post.

Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing! (Yup, that was Iggy Cohn's statement)

I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks. I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.

(And that was my response to the assertion that Zito would morph into Sandy Koufax because Iggy's dad called him a bum.)

So that was three weeks ago... lets find out how Zito's done under the immense pressure of trying to be responsible for making me give head to strangers.

5/29 vs. AZ - 6 IP, 6 H, 3 ER, 3 BB, 5 K's and a no decision. Not bad, a quality start, maybe he's turning it around... I'm nervous...
6/3 vs. Los Mets - 4.1 IP, 7 H, 5 ER, 5 BB, 1 K and a loss. Okay, he was allowed 1 loss. We're not out of the woods yet.
6/8 vs. The Nats - 5 IP, 7 H, 3 ER, 4 BB, 2 K's and a win. This can't happen, can it? This was a really cheap win... can he really win 14 in a row like this? That would be my luck.
6/13 vs. Oak - 5.2 IP, 6 H, 4 ER, 4 BB, 3 K's and a loss! Sort of fitting that the A's would be the team to save me from losing my oral virginity to a couple of short, pale Jewish men. Billy Beane, your crazy moneyball computer baseball simulations shall be forever welcome in my life! I'll even pretend to believe that you didn't write Moneyball!!! And I just might name my first-born child after Jack Cust. Especially if it's a girl.

So there you have it. If you're a sports journalist, and you make crazy predictions, bloggers will threaten to fly to your city and give you hummers. I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson from this... especially you, John Kruk.

Your One-Stop Shop for Entertainment?

2008-06-17T15:56:00.004-04:00

I found this a while back and since I went MIA for a few days, I feel like I should do something new to let you guys know I'm still alive and railing at nothing in particular. This little game is called Drunken Masters... and it's pretty much Guitar Hero for Alcoholics. I thought you guys'd get a kick out of it. I certainly did for a while.

EDIT: Fuck... I wanted to just post it right here, but the layout doesn't work right, so the window's too small and you can't play the game. I could probably fix it if I were more savvy/smarter but I'm not... and that's part of why you love me. So here's a link instead.

Drunken Master

Click here to play this game

Next Stop! Dodger Blue!!!

2008-06-17T12:08:00.005-04:00

So in case you haven't heard, Willie Randolph is no longer the Manager of the New York Mets. He lasted a while, he had some good times and alas, he's fired in the middle of the night, 3,000 miles from home, after a win.

They let this guy twist in the wind for a month and then shit-canned him in the farthest possible place from home. Seems like a pretty harsh set of circumstances for a guy who's really not to blame for how bad the Mets have been this year.

You probably realize that the Mets payroll this year is around $140 Million, but as a Yankee fan, I'll be the first person to tell you that when your team is doling out that much payroll, a LOT of it is going to guys who aren't giving you the sort of production you were getting when you signed them. And spending money's no guarantee of winning a fucking thing any more.

Delgado is a $16 Million-a-year dead body.
Moises Alou's making $7.5 Million... and he's played in 15 games.
Pedro's on the books for $11 Million.
El Duque's getting another $7 Million to be the Mets answer to Carl Pavano jokes.

People got caught up in the "collapse" or the idea that the Mets had a bad month last September. The fact of the matter is they're a poorly constructed team and it caught up to them.

Reliable hitters in the Mets Lineup: David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Ryan Church (DL)
Reliable arms in the Mets Rotation/Bullpen: Johan Santana, John Maine, Pedro Feliciano, Billy Wagner

Point is, Willie's the scapegoat because Omar Minaya failed to understand that a few of guys have overachieved for the last year or two (Oliver Perez, Jose Reyes) and a bunch more were going to decline dramatically or be hurt (Delgado, Castillo, Pedro, El Duque, Alou).

The bottom line is that the GM needs to get shit-canned along with the manager. And I think we all know that Willie's going to end up in Los Angeles, where he can resume his former job of sleeping on the bench next to Joe Torre.

Congrats! You Just Made Your Girlfriend Single!!!

2008-06-11T15:01:00.002-04:00

I'm guessing you guys have seen this. The chick's name is Lauren Bernat, she's 25... and I most definitely want a shake with that.

The guy in the clip is Giovanny Gutierrez, and much thanks to him for showing (as of today) about 2 million people his girlfriend's ass and sexual technique. To make matters worse for this dude, he took the video and threw it up onto YouTube completely behind her back...

So on one hand, Giovanny basically made Lauren famous... but on the other hand, he completely violated her trust to do it.

Who wants to bet that I'm wrong about this... but she MIGHT take a second to thank him while she's punting him out the door. That, and she'll probably get her own reality show.

Wii Fit Hula Hoop Girl of Love on VH1? You don't think so?

You realize that this guy, and this guy got shows right? And that neither one's done anything significant in 20 years.

And they also gave shows to this girl for having lots of MySpace friends, and this girl for winning a show involving one of the guys who hasn't done anything significant in 20 years.

Lauren Bernat, we salute you and your retarded soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend.