Rape is more Clean Cut than Tattoos!

For the record out of the gate here, maybe I'm bias because I'm up to 8 tattoos, and I'm dating the most beautiful woman in the world, and she's also got a bunch of ink. I like tattoos, I plan to get more, and I don't see anything wrong with that.

I also think that whether a person likes tattoos or not, something like 95% of people are apathetic to whether or not another person has them. My dad's not a tattoo guy, but he couldn't care a chunk of gorilla poop if the guy who slices his cold cuts has them. He doesn't walk an extra block to buy a paper from someone who hasn't soiled the purity of their skin with a tramp stamp. Who gives a shit!

Jason Whitlock does. And he's certain that you do too.

Over the next couple of weeks you'll hear lots of theories about why TV ratings are surging for the NBA playoffs.

We're heading towards Lakers-Celtics? Chris Paul? LeBron James? Kobe? Tim Duncan? Garnett, Pierce and Ray Allen's rotting remains? The fact that every series has gone 7 games? Everybody holding home court? Tony Parker's appeal to fans of 'Desperate Housewives'?

The NBA has been experiencing a resurgence ever since the Suns traded for Shaquille O'Neal, the Lakers acquired Pau Gasol, the Mavericks got hoodwinked into snagging Jason Kidd and the Cavaliers picked up new spare parts for LeBron.

So this isn't even something that started in the playoffs then. The Shaq/Gasol/Kidd/Zombie Formerly Known as Ben Wallace trades happened months ago.

But there's one issue driving improved ratings that likely won't be touched by all the NBA talking heads on TNT and ESPN.

You think the shitty officiating is improving ratings?

Tattoos. Or rather the lack of tattoos in the conference finals.

Oh yeah, the lack of tattoos! Why didn't I think of... wait... what?!

Part of the reason more people are watching these playoffs is because the average fan isn't constantly repulsed by the appearance of most of the players on the court. Most of the key players left in the playoffs don't look like recent prison parolees.

First off, if Jason Whitlock were white, could he write this without getting fired and beaten with Don Imus? Like literally, someone picking up Don Imus and swinging him like a 7-iron at Jason Whitlock! Recent prison parolees?! Because of some tattoos?

And second, the average fan is repulsed to the point of not watching a game on TV by this? Really?! So if we added up ALL BASKETBALL FANS, and divided them by their sum, what we'd come out with is a guy who doesn't watch basketball because of Allen Iverson? I highly doubt that.

The only accurate way to describe Garnett, Pierce, Duncan, Allen, Manu, Parker and even Kobe is "clean cut."

I don't know if I'd label as being Kevin Garnett "squeaky clean." Have a look. Kind of looks like he wants to commit a random act of violence against a midget... doesn't he?

Yeah, there are a couple of tattoos in that group — Duncan has something on his back, Kobe still has his post-rape-allegation tat

Cue the band!!!!! And make them dances FUNKY BEEEOOOOTCH!!!



It's better for rating to be a rapist than to have tattoos! Kobe has his post-rape allegation tat!! And that's alright! Because not only does nobody mind his tattoo... NOBODY MINDS THAT THERE WERE RAPE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST HIM!!! And why? Because he's fucking terrific at basketball! Before you Laker fans flood me with hate mail, let me say this:

I do understand that Kobe was cleared of wrong-doing and found not guilty, but the entire premise of Jason Whitlock's argument is that people refuse to watch basketball because of their conservative natures. People as a whole, are conservative and hate tattoos, because people with them look like "recent prison parolees."

But these same conservative people have completely forgotten that Kobe Bryant was accused of raping the desk clerk at a hotel in Colorado like an hour and a half ago.

I know many of you probably think the number of tattoos doesn't influence viewing habits.

You're finally speaking to me dude. Now you're going to tell me that you were intentionally exaggerating or just dicking around, right?

You're wrong.

Fuck you! Fuck you for fostering hope where there is none. You are hopeless Jason Whitlock, utterly hopeless. Why don't you go ahead and try to relate this situation to sex in a purely unrelated way.

There's a reason you don't see nude scenes in movies with fat people. Trust me, fat people have sex. It's just no one wants to see it. Not even fat people.

Notice what Jason Whitlock does here. Jason Whitlock is fat, so when he says, "Trust me, fat people have sex", what he's really trying to say is "Trust me, I'm not a virgin." However, I've seen fat guys boning hot chicks. Want proof? Here's proof. He's chunky. And he's boned more hot chicks than you, me, Bill Simmons, Adam Duritz, John Mayer (who has tattoos and therefore will never sell any records) and Jason Whitlock combined. So apparently fat-person sex sells in the porn industry!

No one wants to watch Delonte West or Larry Hughes play basketball.

Because they suck?

It's uncomfortable and disconcerting. You don't want your kids to see it.

Yeah, they're pretty bad at basketball. Larry Hughes had a website dedicated to his suckage. I'd much rather my kid watch Allen Iverson and learn to play the game well.

You don't want your kids to think they should decorate their neck, arms, hands, chest and legs in paint. You don't want to waste time explaining to your kids that some millionaire athletes have so little genuine self-confidence that they find it necessary to cover themselves in tattoos as a way to mask their insecurities.

Fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck. FUCK!!! I thought Jason Whitlock got a clue for a second. He's now generalized the entire business and purpose of tattooing. Here is a scientific look at Jason Whitlock's argument.

Insecurity * Lack of Self-Confidence / Time In Prison = Tattoos

And here's my equation for this article!!

Ignorance + Fear * Being a Pussy Who's Scared of Pain = Jason Whitlock's Hatred of Inked Skin!!

It's all downhill in the article from this point on. But it's boring and I should wrap this up, so let me summarize.

Jason Whitlock is an insecure pussy who lacks self-confidence and expresses his ignorance of something he doesn't understand even slightly by railing against it with two pages worth of absolutely meaningless rambling that does absolutely nothing to explain why ratings are up during the NBA Playoffs.

Ratings are up because of the Lakers and Celtics, and because of Kobe, LeBron, Chris Paul, Tim Duncan, Pau Gasol, Tony Parker, Manu, etc. Because of a Game 7 in every series. And because there's really no clear-cut favorite this year, it's all up in the air and that's exciting.

Ratings are not up because Rajon Rondo is tattoo-free.

Getcha Popcorn!! Mets Analysis!!!

Haha, I stole T.O.'s line! Getcha popcorn! This is actually terrific. Peter Botte at the Daily News did an article called "Ten Ways to Fix the Mets" today. Why is that terrific? Because I wanted to cover this situation, because I've got some ideas on how to fix the Mets too. So go read Pete's ideas if you want... but here are my ideas.

1) Jose Reyes: Here's the problem with Reyes. Teams have figured him out a little bit, and now it's time for him to adjust... except that he's not doing it. He's only 25 (and not related to Miguel Tejada) so this isn't an age/decline issue. It's that pitchers have learned that Reyes will chase the high ball and pop it up. On balls in the air, his speed is 100% negated. He needs to lay off and force them to come down, and then that average and OBP will likely jump another 20-30 points. Also, he needs to stop running every time he gets on base. I don't care how fast you are. If the pitcher and catcher KNOW you're going, they're going to catch you.

2) Aaron Heilman: Heilman never wanted to be a bullpen guy but ended up there because he was a bust as a starter. His trade value is shit right now, he's nearing free agency and he's pitching like shit.

Send him down to AAA, bring up Carlos Muniz for now. Start the process of convering Heilman to a starter again and let him spend the next month or two beating up on AAA hitters, looking good. He wants to start, so the transition will probably amp him up. Tout his improvement and rumor him as the "Mets Rotation Fix" for the second half. In other words, hype him and build up his value. Then see what you can get for him via trade, whether its prospects to replenish the system (assuming the team is 10+ games back by then) or something to help now (> 10 games back).

3) Mike Pelfrey: Pelfrey was overrated from the start and 81 Ks in 143 IP over 3 years = not the power pitcher he was supposed to be. Why? Because there's no movement on his ball... but that's besides the point.

Again, send him down. Let him beat up on AAA hitters and improve his value. By the deadline, you send him to the Cincinatti Reds with a guy like Jon Niese (in the minors) or maybe even Aaron Heilman for Adam Dunn. The Reds want to move Dunn because they can't pay him. The Mets can, and he'd help their offense a LOT.

4) Carlos Delgado: People want to cut his time. Dumb. People want to cut him outright. Also dumb. He's in the last year of his contract, so there are teams that will be willing to take a shot that he comes out of his funk. It might cost some money, but it'll still be less money than it costs to keep or cut Delgado, and maybe you get something useful back. Like maybe Rob Quinlan from Anaheim. Or Ryan Garko from the Indians. Lyle Overbay from Toronto.

In other words, somebody who's a few years younger, who might actually be able to help, because Delgado couldn't suck more if he was a vacuum cleaner with an Iron Man's Arc Reactor powering him.

5) The Outfield: Beltran, Church, Alou, Endy Chavez, Marlon Anderson, Angel Pagan, Brady Clark, Nick Evans, Damion Easley, garbage, trash, garbage. If you make the Pelfrey/Heilman-for-Dunn trade that I suggested... now you've got Beltran, Dunn, Church, Alou in that mix. That's not so bad, especially with Church and Alou platooning and Dunn hitting 40 bombs a year. Every at bat that's taken by Chavez, Anderson, Pagan, Clark, Evans or Easley is another nail in the Mets 2008 coffin.

6) Rotation and Bullpen: Santana and Maine are givens. Claudio Vargas has been decent. Perez should be better than he's been. And hopefully the combination of Pedro and Duque can fill in the blanks. It's the 5-starter, if you can find majors-average innings here, you're okay.

In the pen, Wagner's as good as you're going to get for now (although he should be banned from doing radio shows, and ordered to shut the fuck up forever.) Smith, Feliciano and Schoeneweis are solid arms. Muniz can probably give you good innings out of the minors. Eddie Kunz might also be able to help out of the minors. And why not a guy like Robert Parnell out of the minors as a long-man? Again, it would be better than what's already there.

So to summarize:

• Reyes lays off the high stuff and stops running so much.


• Delgado + Cash for Quinlan/Overbay/Garko/someone with a pulse.


• Heilman + Pelfrey for Adam Dunn


• Church + Alou platooning in the OF with Dunn and Beltran


• Muniz + Kunz + maybe Parnell in the bullpen.


• Billy Wagner is not allowed to talk.

It can all be done within the next 2 months, and if the Mets are still within 7 or 8 games by the time it's all done, they might be able to mount a second-half charge at the overachieving Marlins and the still-sorta-shitty Phillies for the NL East.

I've done my best to be objective here, as I hate the Mets. My original suggestion for fixing them was going to be to disband them... but I tried to think like a GM. Feel free to comment your opinions. And just because I can...

And for the record, this vid was made by an alleged Mets fan... so I'm trying to be gentle with you guys. Scroll down and look at the ones the Cubs and White Sox got... heh.

I Just Love Those Crazy Cohns!!!

I can't help it. I love Lowell and Iggy Cohn. Thank you FJM, thank you SO MUCH for introducing me to them!! Today, Iggy suggests that Lowell has MIND BULLETS! THAT'S FUCKING TELEKINESIS KYLE!!!!!!!



Okay, it's not mind bullets. But it's the ability to make Frank Thomas hit a baseball by suggesting that the Oakland A's cut him. And that's just as good. Here's the article.

The A's should dump Thomas for Bonds. My dad and I have been pushing this idea for weeks. Unfortunately, my dad chose to formally write it up the day Thomas went three for four with two home runs and three RBI. Talk about bad timing.

It's not bad timing Iggy! It's not! Do not mistake coincidence for providence! Morpheus said that in The Matrix so it must be true. There is no coincidence! The Big Hurt hit because your dad talked smack about him!!!

No doubt A's fans think my dad is a hack and maybe worse things.

Why would anybody think that? Could it have something to do with the fact that you guys write like a couple of drunken circus freaks?!

But I'm his son and his business partner, and for fear of being cut out of the will I'm going to defend him.

So basically, you're agreeing that your dad's a hack? You're a real shithead Iggy.

Beane stresses stats over chemistry, Bonds is the epitome of stats over chemistry, Beane should sign Bonds.

I guess that depends on what kind of 'chemistry' you're talking about. From what I hear, Bonds has worked with some great chemists in his day. Maybe Bonds is the epitome of stats-because-of-chemistry.

Furthermore, the implications that syllogism raises due to the fact that Beane hasn't signed Bonds are interesting. Should we believe the things Beane says? Is his money ball doctrine more a construct of Michael Lewis than the boy genius himself? Thought provoking questions, to say the least.

If Beane signs Bonds, then Beane is a jerkface asshole who cares more about stats than people and hearts and flowers and starving children in Guatemala. If Beane doesn't sign Barroid, then Moneyball is a figment of our imaginations and Billy Einstein is a phony, and his team is actually run by the computer from the movie War Games! Hey Iggy, you're a San Fran fan. Who wins more? The Giants? Or that douchebag phony Billy Beane and his A's? Okay, so shut the fuck up.

Blah blah blah for the next 9 paragraphs of witty anecdote about how impressed people are that Iggy is, in fact, the son of Lowell Cohn, except that nobody seems to like Lowell at all, because even in San Francisco, everybody thinks he's a terrible hack.

Then we get to the goods!! THE ABILITY TO KILL A YAK FROM... wait... I already linked the Wonderboy video...

Iggy lists off how because Dad wrote negative shit about Mike Nolan, Barry Zito and Al Davis that the following will happen.

Nolan will lead the 49ers to the playoffs and win coach of the year.

I guess this could happen without voodoo magic. The 49ers don't totally suck. They were 5-11 last year, but they ARE in a Division with Seattle, St. Louis and Arizona and somebody has to win that thing, right?

Barry Zito will go 14-1 for the rest of the year and write a song comparing pitching to surfing!

I don't know if Zito can sing or play guitar. But if Zito goes 14-1 from this point forward, and finishes with exactly 15 wins and 9 losses in 2008, I will personally... get on a plane... fly to San Francisco... and suck Lowell and Iggy Cohn's fucking cocks.

I'm not gonna get super into it and yank on their balls like it's the last paper towel on the roll. I'm not gonna enjoy it. But I'll do it if Barry Zito goes 14-1 for the rest of the year. That's how completely fucking certain I am that this will not happen.

The Raiders will win the Super Bowl in 2008, Al Davis will win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Fire Lane Kiffin and live to 112.

Okay, so this one will probably happen. Right after this does...

Dusty Baker Suspended For Stupidity?

Before our very eyes, a revolutionary series of events is unfolding people!  Major League Baseball has begun suspending managers for making complete retarded in-game decisions!!

Dusty Baker was suspended for two games!  No doubt this is for his decision to make Adam Dunn sacrifice bunt late in a game a few days ago!

For those of you who aren't aware of this situation, it's the second time this season that Dusty's told a power hitter to bunt in a late-game situation.  And it's the second time that the power hitter has failed to get a bunt down, and instead hit a walk-off home run with 2 strikes.

The first time, Edwin Encarnacion did it about 6 seconds after Jeff Brantley told the world how 'un-clutch' Encarnacion was, and suggested pinch hitting for him in late-and-close situations.

I haven't actually READ this article about Baker's suspension.  He probably got suspended for something stupid like bumping and ump... but I'm holding out hope that MLB is punishing him for doing the baseball-equivalent of soliciting a tranny hooking and thinking that 'she' is actually a woman.

Just for the sake of background on this situation, Adam Dunn has hit 250 career homers (and averages 40 a season) and has a grand total of 2 career sac hits.

Encarnacion has 48 homers, developing power and a total of zero career sacs.

My deepest sympathies go out to everybody who's team has ever been coached by Dusty Baker.  I cannot imagine how you have suffered.

Punch Lines are for Pussies!

As many of you know (and you can probably tell) I'm new at this. What separates this blog from every other sports blog out there though, is that my jokes aren't funny. Okay wait, that came out wrong. What separates this from the others is that I curse a lot and say 'seriously' 400 times per post. Nope, that's not the point I'm trying to make either.

The difference between this place and others, is that I write this because I enjoy talking about sports. And I do my best to reply to every piece of e-mail (primeoffense@yahoo.com) and every comment (a grand total of 1 so far.) So yeah, you're encouraged to write me, whether it's to tell me that I'm completely right or completely wrong... or that you think I'm a total asshole. I'll tell you in advance, you're right. I am. Know who else is an asshole? Jay Mariotti, but he's in denial about it, and he's never talked with you to justify his assholiness. I will.

So why are we here today? Because Bill Simmons wrote his first non-Boston-Team article in over a year. It's a bunch of rapid-fire jokiness... but he forgot the punchlines. So I'm going to try to help make this funny. Here goes nothing.

So Kobe Bryant stops sulking, makes small talk with teammates, buys them dinner every once in a while, gives them $9,000 watches and occasionally passes the ball to them? I take it back ... he is a great guy!

Yeah! He gives teammates expensive gifts. Like when he got his wife that big diamond ring after he raped a hotel desk clerk! I'm putting 1 and 1 together here, and concluding that Kobe Bryant has sexually assaulted DJ Mbenga. And DJ, if you're reading this, just be happy that I got your name in here.

When you order the Jamba Juice with the fiber boost, you're basically telling the guy behind the counter and everyone else in line, "I'm a little backed up right now."

POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE POOP JOKE!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA!!! POOOOOOOOOP!!!!

If hell has a cable channel like ESPN Classic, it's definitely showing a never-ending loop of fights involving Bernard Hopkins or Johnny Ruiz.

Really? Bernard Hopkins fights? I like B-Hop fights, they're usually exciting. I would think Hell would keep showing that Klitschko vs. Ibragimov fight! You know, the one where they romanced each other all over the ring for 12 rounds? I think Ibragimov actually bought Klitschko flowers and asked him on a second date after that fight.

Here's my advice to Stan Van Gundy: Give in to the Ron Jeremy thing, embrace it and hire Joey Silvera, Herschel Savage and Randy West as your assistant coaches.

PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE PORN JOKE!!!!!!!!!!! THE INTERNET IS FOR POOOOOOOOORNNNNN!!!!! I love me some porn... but why is Simmons so familiar with the names of the MALE porn stars?

I'll be honest: When Terry Francona gave Jon Lester the extra-long hug after Monday's no-hitter, it didn't just get a little dusty at the Sports Guy Mansion, it got "Brian's Song"-level dusty... because I, Bill Simmons, get turned on when men hug. I'm watching that Klitschko-Ibragimov fight as we speak.

Okay, maybe Bill didn't say all of that. But he should have. And so much for Bill keeping his mouth off of Boston's cock for more than 1,000 words.

I'm still whining about the Giants ruining the Patriots perfect season, and now I think Tyree's catch should have been reviewed, or maybe it was! I can't remember because here's a vague reference to my father, who's actually much funnier than I am and should probably write my shit for me.

Well, it's basically what he said.

Hey, just because the Mavs are long gone from the playoffs doesn't mean we have to stop making Josh Howard jokes, right?

No Bill, you never have to stop cracking shitty jokes about dated happenings.

Can we call the 2008 Mavericks team video "Howard and Kumar"?

Or Harold and Josh!!! Or Kumar and Joshmarkimward!! Such a creative joke.

How many times do you think he toked up with a teammate, then fell over in hysterics imitating Avery Johnson's voice?

Yeah, and maybe Jason Kidd will smoke up with him and then go smack up Joumana some more! Somebody needs to set her straight!!

Congrats to John Mayer for officially replacing Adam Duritz as this generation's token "sensitive musician who has bagged so many Hollywood babes that every other red-blooded male is rooting for him to get into a disfiguring accident, so when he turns into a sweaty, overweight guy 15 years from now, we'll all feel a sick sense of satisfaction about the whole thing."

Except that Adam Duritz is already basically a sweaty, overweight guy, and he's bagged more hot babes than young, fit Bill Simmons in spite of it. I don't wish disfiguring injuries on people who bag more chicks than me. Do you?

Look, I don't care if it's a movie, and I don't care if it happened 22 years ago, there's no way Cruise and Edwards take a game off Rossovich and Kilmer, much less the entire volleyball match. It's not happening.

I don't know what the fuck Simmons is talking about and therefore, I have no joke. If this makes sense to you, please write in and explain.

Put it this way: If the Spurs-Lakers series goes the distance, I see a Game 7 officiating crew of Bennett Salvatore, Adam Silver and Jack Nicholson, as well as every Spurs starter fouling out and Gregg Popovich getting two quick T's and being removed from the court on one of those Hannibal Lecter stretchers. And that's a conservative prediction.

Sort of like how the league got rid of the Cavs so LeBron wouldn't ruin the Boston-Los Angeles finals that David Stern's been orchestrating all season?

Pop quiz: Explain the significance behind "22 innings pitched, 47 baserunners, eight home runs, zero wins, four losses, 9.00 ERA."

Umm... 22 innings is a really small sample size to evaluate a pitcher based on?

Yup, those are the 2008 stats for Phil Hughes. (Did you know the Yankees refused to include him in a deal for Johan Santana? No, really! I swear to God!)

Which had nothing to do with the $151 million extension that Johan wanted, or the 900 innings on Johan's arm in the last 4 years. Or the fact that Hughes was the top-rated minor league pitcher in all of baseball for 2 years running. Maybe it's a small sample size. Maybe Hughes was pitching with a broken rib. Maybe he's not ready. Or maybe this is a good reason to LOL!! HAHA!!! BOSTON RULEZ!!!! YAHNKEEZ SAWKKKK!!!!

Yeah, I'm done here.... it just gets more shitty from here and this post is wayyyy too long.

Also for the Cubs Fans?

I want to start out by saying that I really only linked that Cubs video because it cracked me up. I think you guys have a pretty solid shot this year because I like your offense a lot. I think it needs another arm in the rotation, and another reliable guy in the pen, but yeah, you get it. So to the 728 Cubs fans who've cursed me out in the last 3 days... SEE!?! I don't hate your team.

Also, I took a little voting on the Cubs messaging boards (Literally "a little voting" because there were 3 votes casted, and 27 people cursing me out for the Cubs review). The point of the "voting" was to determine what team I'd review next, the Cardinals or the White Sox. The winner? The Chicago White Sox. And I even found a video for them too! But more on that later.

Starting Pitchers: Javy Vasquez, John Danks, Gavin Floyd, Mark Buerhle, Jose Contreras

I want to start by saying that as a Yankee fan, I hate Javy Vasquez. I hate him like Juan Uribe hates to get on base. I hate him like Eric Gagne hates the ban on steroids. That said, he's been very good this year, and will probably continue to be this good. Danks and Floyd have looked great too, however, I'm going out on a limb and selling the idea of them both keeping it up.

Danks and Floyd are both former 1st rounders... but they were both terrible pitchers last year, and Floyd's been sucking for a while. Maybe they both figured it out and learned how to pitch or maybe nobody in the AL is hitting!!!! My feeling is that these guys are going to end up with ERAs in the mid-4's. Yup. Around the league average, because I've seen them pitch.. and they don't look as good as the results so far.

Contreras is 800 years old and blows. He'll gag like he always does. And Buerhle signed a nice big contract extension so he could die in peace.

Rotation Grade: B-plus

Infielders: AJ Pierzynski, Paul Konerko, Juan Uribe, Joe Crede, Orlando Cabrera

Pierzynski is a fucking tool. He also hasn't had an OPS+ over 100 since 2003 in Minnesota. So I'm calling bullshit on the OPS+ 124. That's coming down... a fucking lot.

Konerko looks like a really old 32, doesn't he? Fact of the matter is that for some reason, this guy ALWAYS sucks in May. He's definitely going to hit better than .216/.341/.353.

Juan Uribe doesn't belong in the major leagues, and Ozzie Guillen should be beaten about the head with a frozen trout for keeping him in the lineup when a minor leaguer, ANY MINOR LEAGUER could help this team more. O-Cab is also sucking balls so far this year. Unlike Uribe, he should improve somewhat. And Joe Crede... OPS+ 132... OBP .352... previous career best...323. Walks? Not usually. Healthy? Rarely. Going to OPS .866 for the season? No.

Infield Grade: D+minus

Outfielders: Carlos Quentin, Nick Swisher, Jermaine Dye

Jermaine Dye and Carlos Quentin are actually living people? Are you fucking serious? I thought they both died like two years ago. The only explanation I have for this outfield is that Quentin and Dye stole Nick Swisher and Jim Thome's talent like the MonStars in Space Jam.

Swisher is still drawing walks and he's going to hit. Dye and Quentin should come back to Earth a little bit, and the restraining order that keeps Michael Jordan from coming within 100 yards of U.S. Cellular Field will remain intact.

Outfield Grade: A-minus

Designated Hitter: Jim Thome

Like I said, I blame Carlos Quentin! No, not really. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that he's 87 years old. Thome is still probably good for 30 homers, but he's supposed to be one of the guys who gets on base enough to make up for the fact that Crede, Uribe, Pierzynski and Cabrera aren't going to. No grade for Thome. Maybe some carbon dating.

Bullpen: Bobby Jenks, Scott Linebrink, Octavio Dotel, Boone Logan, Matt Thornton, Nick Masset

Shit... they've been really good, haven't they? Dotel, Logan, and Thornton aren't as good as they've been. That will catch up to them sooner, rather than later. No complains about Jenks and Linebrink.

Bullpen Grade: B+ for the solid back end.

Coach, Bench, Heart, Pulse-Rate and Other Stuff that Shouldn't Matter as Much as You Think

Notice, I said SHOULDN'T matter as much as you think, because it shouldn't. And it wouldn't if Ozzie Guillen had a normal, functioning brain. He does not. And here's a list of reasons why Ozzie is going to cost his team the division.

A) His insistence on leaving Juan Uribe in the lineup. Uribe hasn't been a good player since 2004. He's batting .198/.262/.328 this year (and batted .252, .235 and .234 the 3 years before this, so it's not a fluke.) He walks never. And a full season will prove that he sucks just as much defensively at 2B, as he does at SS. And he does suck at SS.

B) Orlando Cabrera is batting .219/.275/.290! So Ozzie juggles him between leadoff and the two-hole. Where he can make the most possible outs. O-Cab's never been great at getting on base, and in his worst "getting on base" year, he's batting first or second.

C) Ozzie's Smartball is the opposite of smart... because Ozzie is going to bunt, hit-and-run, and get guys caught stealing every chance he gets. And every time his smartysmartOzzieball bullshit fails, that's costing the White Sox runs. This team probably won't score enough runs on it's own... and he's going to dirty sanchez them out of a few more.

Proof of C: The Sox have stolen 13 bases this year. And been caught 9 times. That's an amazing 59% rate of success. 45 games into the season, Nick Swisher has tied his CAREER HIGH for Caught Stealing. Joe Crede's been caught stealing!!! Joe Crede has no business running bases. Ever. Ever ever ever ever!!!!!!! Joe Crede is the living, breathing embodiment of the words "SHOULD. NOT. RUN. EVER."

SmartOzzieGritHustleAngerAggressionJayMariottiIsAFag Grade: Epic Fail

Okay, Epic Fail is not a letter grade... but I needed something to properly emphasize that Ozzie Guillen is the worst, and most overrated coach in baseball. His team won a world series in SPITE of him a few years ago, not because of him. They won because their pitching was out-of-this-world good that year, and got better in the playoffs. Their pitching this year is not nearly that good, and their offense isn't improved enough to carry them.

Look for Cleveland to take over the division within the next month. And here's the video I promised you. And God willing, Ozzie will shut the fuck up.

Apparently Idiocy Can Breed...

Do you look at the world around you and realize that the average person seems to get dumber every year? Yeah, me too. So where is all this raw stupidity coming from? There's only one solution. Jeff Passan's columns on Yahoo Sports are to brain cells, what kryptonite is to Superman. You don't even have to read them. You just have to be near them and your IQ errodes. Case in point...

The way Curtis Granderson figures, leadoff hitters actually lead off only once a game, so all of the attention they garner – it’s them and cleanup hitters with the recognizable nicknames, after all – isn’t necessarily warranted.

Yeah, and the studies have sorta shown that batting order really doesn't impact the output of the offense. That's where you're going with this, right?

Perhaps it was the romantic notion of the leadoff hitter: the scrapper who fouls off pitches and gets on base and dashes from first to third and manufactures runs, intangibles idealized.

And of course, the key component here is "gets on base" because your leadoff man gets the most at bats on the team, and thereby has the opportunity to make the most outs... so you should strive to use someone who makes less outs than the average player?

Oddly, Rickey Henderson was the best at this. I don't know how scrappy he was. And nobody ever talks about his "intangibles."

That player, of course, is a relic in the steroid and sabermetric eras, generally inefficient, and the prototype has evolved into Leadoff 2.0, the type of player Granderson and others across the game embody.

You're right. Rickey Henderson is a relic, but that's only because he's like 900 years old and nobody as good as him has come around again. Sabermetrics has most certainly never even IMPLIED that a guy who "fouls off pitches and gets on base and goes from first to third and manufactures runs" is inefficient. Sabermetrics has shown us that getting on base is incredibly valuable. It's also showed us how overrated stolen bases were.

And steroids? If anything, guys were taking steroids to try to do these things better. Getting on base more? Hello!!!! The poster child for steroids had an On-Base Percentage of like 2.842 or better for the last 10 years. No typo. Barry Bonds got on base 2.8 times per at bat. He was that fucking retarded.

They can run, yes, but they also hit for serious power, enough that they’d fit just fine in the No. 3 hole, the lineup’s true glamour spot.

We're talking about Curtis Granderson here? He of the .342 career OBP? Okay, that's not shitty, but it's also not what I want in the leadoff spot. And looking at last year, wouldn't the Tigers have been better off batting Granderson down in the lineup a little, where his 38 doubles, 23 triples and 23 homers could have produced more than 74 RBIs? And batting Placido Polanco (and his .388 OBP) first? Nah, you're right... it probably wouldn't make much of a difference anyway.

“You could have your old-school taking pitches so you get the pitch count up and let the hitters behind you see everything the pitcher has."

Yeah Curtis, working counts sounds like a good idea. Sure, this is an old school approach, but effective. Plus the more pitches you see, the more likely you are to draw a hit or walk, and thus, get on base.

"But if you’re a guy who can drive the baseball, you’re going to be aggressive and set the tone by either getting on base, getting an extra-base hit or, possibly, starting the game off 1-0.”

This season, Curtis is driving the ball to the tune of a .242 average and a .320 OBP, and he's on pace for 140+ strikeouts again. That's just what you want from the guy who hits before your run-producers. Keep trying to be Alfonso Soriano, Curtis. It's helping you.

His divisional and positional peer, Cleveland’s Grady Sizemore, socked 92 extra-base hits the year before.

Except that Sizemore got on base at a .390 clip last year, which is the kind of number you should want from the guy who sees the most at bats on the team.

And we can’t forget the leadoff hitter who best epitomizes the power surge – and the most misplaced – Alfonso Soriano, who must be telekinetic with his ability to convince manager after manager that keeping him hitting first is a stroke of brilliance.

Telekinetic? That's moving shit with your mind. MIND POWER!!! And suddenly I got an image of Alfonso Soriano giving Lou Pinella a telekinetic hand-job. The visual in my brain is like bad Star Wars porn right now.

The important thing here, is that Passan is writing an article praising Curtis Granderson and the "new breed" of power-hitting leadoff guys... and he ADMITS that Soriano is "misplaced" in the Cubs lineup, thus contradicting his entire fucking premise. This is why these posts are so long.

It [foot-speed] is managers’ last gasp at the classic leadoff hitter instead of one who resembles Rickey Henderson, baseball’s greatest power-and-speed combination at the top of the lineup since Ty Cobb.

Then here's the real question. What was more vital to Rickey Henderson's success? His "power-and-speed"? Or his ability to work counts, draw walks, and get on base?

Case in point... Henderson hit 297 career home runs. And stole 1406 bases at a success rate of just under 81%. For his career, he averaged a home run every 45 plate appearances. And as we know, stealing bases at an 81% rate really doesn't help an offense very much (because people have researched these facts extensively, and we trust facts.)

Power-and-speed: 1 homer every 45 times at the plate, minimal benefit from stolen bases.

Rickey on-based .401 for his career, with peaks of .420, .419, .423, .439, .432 and another .423 at 40 years old. In 25 seasons, Henderson made more than 400 outs 6 times. Alfonso Soriano, in comparison, has made 400+ outs in every full season he's ever played and has broken 500 twice. Juan Pierre has made 500+ outs in 5 straight years.

Walking/Getting On Base: Once every 4 games, Rickey Henderson is on base when Curtis Granderson is sitting on the bench after having made an out.

“I had Bonds hit a lot of leadoff home runs,” Leyland said.

Jim Leyland, speaking proudly about batting Barry Bonds in the lead-off spot... but at least Bonds was getting on base at an above-average rate. Still fucking stupid.

No one said being Leadoff 2.0 is easy. Which is just how Granderson likes it.

Umm... what? No one said it's easy? Which is just how he likes it? What are you saying here Jeff Passan? Are you saying that he likes it easy? So then Curtis Granderson hates being "Leadoff 2.0" because it's not easy, and he likes it easy?

Wit only looks witty if it makes sense dude.

Tom Brady's Wardrobe Selection?

So it's been brought to my attention that Tom Brady attended Game 7 of the Cavs-Celtics series.

Wearing one of these.

Some people are wondering why. Here's the best answer I can come up with.

Tom Brady is owned by Giants. Of all kinds. Sort of like when the Yankees were Pedro's daddy.

Just for the Cubs Fans out there....

Okay, so in the name of full partial disclosure, the reason this post is happening is because I found a really great video that's probably like a year old, but pretty hysterical and offensive to Cubbies fans. This entire post is building towards said video... but today, I'm going to pontificate on the chances of the Cubs to actually win a championship. Yes Jeff Passan, I too can speak from a wrongfully acquired position of authority! And I know you'll see this... because you read blogs!

All areas will be given a grade based on partial stats taken from small sample sizes which have occurred this season and past player performance in some random way (PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW, because the acronym will make that easier to remember):

Starting Pitching - Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Rich Hill

Okay, Carlos Zambrano is awesome. Props to him on that. However, statistically speaking, he's not the best in this group. Somebody... has thrown 57 innings at a 189 ERA+. And it's not Ted Lilly. And it's not Jason Marquis or Rich Hill either! Can you guess who it is? Yeah. Ryan Dumpster. That's not gonna hold up, not, not, not, no fucking way, not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1asdkfjas2134

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: C plus

Infield: Geovany Soto, Derek Lee, Mark DeRosa, Ryan Theriot, Aramis Ramirez

Okay, I'm calling bullshit on Ryan Theriot hitting .331/.410/.413, there's no fucking way that holds up. Mark DeRosa On-Basing .406 looks pretty wrong too, but Soto and Ramirez are nice offensive players, and Derek Lee's starting to look more like his old self again, so even after Theriot and DeRosa go the way of Ryan Dempster, the infield will still be able to hit. I'm not going to talk about defense... because there aren't any really reliable metrics, and I don't care about the +/- 10 runs a season worth of difference that it's going to make.

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: A minus

Outfield: Alfonso Soriano, Kosuke Fukudome, Jim Edmonds' Dead Body, Felix "Scooter" Pie, Reed Johnson

I'll say this again. Alfonso Soriano's power is almost completely wasted in the leadoff spot. And his .328 OBP actually manages to fucking HURT the Cubs there.... because he's going to make wayyyy too many outs, and he's not going to get any chances to hit with runners on. The fucking guy is going to hit 35 solo home runs this year and make close to 500 outs. If they batted him in the 5-hole, where he belongs, he'd drive in 35-45 more runs this year, and probably make about 70 less outs, which would benefit his team all around. Seriously... swap Soriano and Fukudome in the lineup!! Put Fukudome's .416 OBP in the leadoff spot!! And Soriano's .592 SLG in the 5-hole!! Just try it!! Please!! I'm fucking begging you!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and get a Centerfielder... this Edmonds situation is embarrassing.

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: B plus

Relief Pitching: Kerry Wood, Carlos Marmol, Bob Howry, Michael Wuertz, Sean Marshall, Jon Lieber, Kevin Hart

Kerry Wood still feels like Gagne, Jr. to me. I'm scared of him. Has he really only blown 3 saves so far? That's got to get worse, doesn't it? I love Marmol, but the rest of these guys have either seen better days (Howry, Wuertz)... or won't see days this good for long (Lieber). Whatever.

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: C plus

Bench Players, Manager, Blah Blah Intangibles, Grit, Hustle, Slow-Pulse-in-Trafficness

Here's a whole bunch of stuff that I don't believe to be hugely important so I'll put it together. I think Lou Pinella is a hugely overrated manager. I think more often than not, he coaches a baseball game sort of how I would... if I were drunk, under 4 feet tall, and wearing a clown costume. Soriano batting leadoff is a prime example of that to me. Marmol setting up for Gagne, Jr. is another. This team's biggest falling-off point for me is the idiot on the bench that's going to waste 50 runs this year by forcing Soriano to hit 35 solo home runs.

PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: F- -, haha, that looks sinister! F minus minus!!

OVERALL TEAM PSTSSSWHOTSPPPSRW: B Minus

So what does that all basically mean? Here's what it means...

Bad Joke on Bad Joke Crime!!

Yes, I'm going to bitch about something from ESPN Page 2. Yes, I realize that D.J. Gallo, Mike Philbrick and David Schoenfield intend this shit as humor. Well, it's hacky, terrible, un-funny humor and it needs to be punished.

According to the Dallas Morning News and about 97 percent of the esteemed members of the blogosphere, Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson are done.

Am I reading a sports website? Or the latest issue of US Weekly? Do sports fans really give a fat baby's dick about this? I think most smart football fans are sitting at home and praying that Jessica Simpson hooks up with Rick Salomon and he spills out a sex tape, but until it happens, who cares!

Here are a few suggestions for No. 9's next piece of arm candy.

Here's a run-down of the suggestions.

1. President Bush's daughter - She's from Texas.
2. Roger Clemen's wife - See Joke #1.
3. Nick Lachey's other ex - Duh.
4. Lauren Conrad - Insert hacky joke about "game" film... oh, you already did.
5. Old actress from 'Dallas' - Logistical similarity to fictious character.
6. Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders - See Joke #1.
7. Minka Kelly - See Joke #5.
8. Lohan - Because making fun of drunks is funny! Silly alcoholic!!
9. Jessica Biel - Jeter and Timberlake hit it. Which is funny because...
10. Star Jones - Star in name + Star on helmet = Funny Joke! LOL!
11. Marisa Miller - Will make Tom Brady jealous!
12. Tom Brady's ex - See Joke #11.
13. Tila Tequila - Tequila -->Mexican -->Romo in Mexico w/Jessica-->Big Laughs
14. Roger Clemens' side-piece - See Joke #1. Insert tacky reference to McCready being preyed on by a pedophile.
15. LeBron's Mom - Always classy to make fun of a guy's mother. And funny. Classy funny.
16. Tampa Bay Rays Third Baseman - Point out similarity to Eva Longoria's name + Make completely unrelated Ronaldo reference = Double Joke, mother fucker!!!

So to recap, 16 suggestions for a new girlfriend for Tony Romo.

Six jokes about Texas, the Cowboy's uniform or the sport Romo plays, four women over 50, at least two chicks that Roger Clemens has boffed, at least two chicks that Tom Brady has boffed, a drunk, a victim of pedophilia and a man. Zero viable suggestions, negative 37 laughs.

And if not for Heath Ledger's recent passing, you can be damned certain there would have been at least 11 Brokeback Mountain jokes.

Happy Trails, Tim!!!

This is probably the first and last time I'm ever going to cover Olympic sports (unless that double amputee runner wins a Medal) but here goes nothing.

Check this shit out...

Tim Montgomery's going to the clink for depositing $1.7 Million Dollars in bad checks. That's supposedly going to net him 46 months in the pokey. I know this is a hacky joke, but I just can't resist. There's no running away from this one Tim!

Say hi to Nate Newton and Troy Hambrick while you're in there. And don't get eaten by bears.

Interleague Gay...

Haha... Interleague Gay! Get it? Like Interleague Play? That's wordplay my friends. Wordplay. I want to start by saying that I don't like Jeff Passan. I don't like him one bit. Something about him is just "too cool for school" and that's my job. And since I'm in the business of partial full disclosure, I'll also admit that I don't like interleague play. I think it's a waste of time... and I live in New York, where Yankees-Mets is supposedly a massive rivalry. Big fucking yippee. Interleague play blows. I'd rather play 6 more games against Toronto and Baltimore.

Jeff Passan likes interleague play and wants to improve it with a bunch of dipshitty ideas that he conjured from his wealth of intellect (see: Pulled out of his ass.)

I like interleague play.

Yes Jeff, I told them that already.

Wow, that felt good.

Well, you're welcome. I wanted everybody to know where you were coming from before I make you look like a dickhead.

There is no support group for the afflicted. Though Major League Baseball contends that interleague play is popular and backs it up with compelling attendance figures, the advocates get drowned out by the minority, who are a lot like Ron Paul supporters: loud, passionate and fighting a fight that was long ago lost.

Oh, you meant that saying you liked interleague play felt good. Ingrateful little prick. And yeah, interleague play sells some tickets, primarily in cities that actually have an NL Rival to play. I can't imagine Kansas City vs. Florida being a particularly big draw. And fuck Ron Paul. Haha stupid libertarian! He has no supporters!!!

The brilliant idea: Home-field advantage in World Series goes to the league with the best record in interleague play.

Passan credits some jerk-off blogger with this idea, which is good, because its the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. Isn't it bad enough that the All-Star game decides home field advantage in the World Series? Now you want the results of the fucking Giants vs. Tigers to impact it?!

Here's a revolutionary idea! How about we give home-field in the World Series to the team with the best record for the 162-game season!! How about that... just as a change of pace? Does that make too much fucking sense? The aggregate interleague play record deciding homefield... gah!

The logical idea: Designated hitter in both parks.
To make the first idea fair, MLB needs to implement this one. Don’t punish the AL by making its pitchers hit. Give NL fans a chance to see the DH in their home parks a few times a season. If these games are going to count for home field, there can be no sign of league bias.

So in order to remove "league bias" we're going to play ALL the games by AL rules? Wouldn't this be punishing NL teams by exploiting the fact that most of them don't have a Designated Hitter on their payroll, because they only need one for about 12 games a year? The best way to remove "league bias" would probably be to play half the games by AL rules and the other half by NL rules... sort of the way they do NOW!!!

The outlandish idea: The interleague draft.

Let me just explain this one as best as I can. Basically, we alternating league by year, and let the teams draft an interleague series.

With the 7th pick, the Atlanta Braves choose to play the Tampa Bay Rays!! Yeah! Great idea! Fans LOVE drafts! And those crazy New York Jets fans can come and boo everybody's picks!!

My prime criticism of this idea is that it makes absolutely no fucking sense. None at all. Secondly, a 3-game series, in the grand scheme of a full season, is so beyond meaningless that it's not even slightly amusing. We're going to have a draft and waste everybody's fucking time over a 3-game series against the interleague team of your choice? That is a profoundly fucking stupid suggestion.

I like interleague play without these suggestions.

Well that's a good thing, because your ideas are fucking stupid and will never happen.

Just not as much as I do with them.

Then disregard the above sentence. Sorry to shit in your Froot Loops, Jeff Passan.

Father & Son Dumb-Fuckery!!

I owe FireJoeMorgan.com so much. I really do. If I ever get big and make money and have hot chicks in tiny bikinis tossing poon tang at me like my last name was Baldwin, I'm going to have to Fed-Ex my sloppy seconds to Ken Tremendous or something. I'm not even joking. I'm not stealing any of their jokes today, just taking advantage of some guys they enlightened me to.

Lowell and Iggy Cohn... the highly decorated, award-winning and extremely crusty Press Democrat Columnist and his wise-ass, sabermetric-hating bastard traitor of a college-age son Iggy. In the battle of the generations, who will win?!

Here's a hint.... NOBODY!!!! Because they always fucking agree in these columns.

Iggy and Lowell ask if the Giants are a better team without Barry Bonds. Iggy and Lowell say, yes, the Giants definitely are a better team without Bonds.

How much of a "better team" are the Giants are without Barry Bonds? Well, by "better team", do you mean "completely and utterly fucked team that's sure to finish dead last?" Then yeah, they're a much better team.

We understand some will disagree, especially baseball fans who relate to the game through numbers and not personalities. Bonds allegedly would put up good numbers for the Giants this year. Even if that's true - and it's not certain Bonds can hit anymore -- Iggy and Lowell don't care. They say ixnay on Bonds.

Yeah, fuck numbers. I still believe that if you could clone David Dellucci, your team would win 700 games a year. I realize that no team plays 700 games a year, but I think that other teams within a 300 mile radius of all that grit and hustle would win more games through osmosis. The bottom line here is that Bonds would allegedly OPS over 1.000 again which is allegedly better than what 99.99999% of other baseball players in the universe are allegedly capable of doing. Allegedly. Fuck Bonds and his numbers. Fuck him in his snobby, snarky, unfriendly ass with his VORP and WHIP and EQA and DERA and whatever other computery numbery acronyms you've got!! Nerds!!

2B: RAY DURHAM. There is no way the Giants play anyone besides Durham if Bonds is on the team. No Eugenio Velez, no Kevin Frandsen even if he were healthy. They'd be stuck with Durham because they'd be trying to win now with veterans - I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true.

By golly gosh Lowell! That DOES sound ridiculous! Because it's complete and utter bullshit!!! Especially when Kevin Frandsen got into 109 games last year with Bonds (and none this year without him) and posted a shitty .269/.331/.379 with 5 homers and 31 RBI in 264 at bats!
And Eugenio Velez, who's playing this year, has been good for .212/.250/.331, no typo there. His OBP is .250. And he's 26. So is Frandsen.

Shitty old Ray Durham, who you'd be stuck with because of Barroids, has been good for .264/.347/.379, which isn't amazing, but looks like a Pujols line when compared to Eugenio Velez!!!

CF: Dave Roberts, who is not currently a factor. OK, so it would be Randy Winn. Center field is the key test of the To-Bonds-Or-Not-To-Bonds issue. Would the Giants have gone for Aaron Rowand, a terrific player, if they had re-signed Bonds? No way. They pay Rowand $60 million over five years.

So the Giants don't waste $12 million a year on Aaron Rowand? Why don't we see what you think of that contract after a couple more years of Rowand running into fucking walls to save 5 runs a season. And even with that said, Rowand's having the best start of his career, and his OPS is .937. That's only 108 points worse than what Bonds did last year.

The Giants pay their team a little more than $76 million. How much would Bonds cost? I don't believe for a second Peter Magowan would pay for both Bonds and Rowand on a team that would not make the playoffs anyway. Bonds would rule out Rowand, and that would be sad. Why? Assume Bonds can hit better than Rowand - an assumption, not a certainty. Rowand still hits very well and he's a much better fielder and, get this, he's a team player. He's exactly the kind of player any team wants in center field - he's someone you can build around.

How much would Bonds cost? Umm... basically free at this point. He wants to play. He says he'd come very cheap if anybody would ask him. We don't have to assume that Bonds will hit better than Rowand... because we use numbers to evaluate players performance instead of their personalities.

Numbers say the following:

Bonds : Rowand :: Durham : Eugenio Velez

Others things that numbers say:

Bonds : Rowand :: A-Rod : Jeter
Rowand : Walls :: Ted Kennedy : Lakes
Ted Kennedy : Rowand :: Something : Something else unrelated to the first something
This joke : Not funny anymore :: Bill Clinton : Masturbating furiously as we speak

Okay, maybe numbers don't say all of that, but you get the picture. The last piece of this argument is the "team player" shit. Let me just run over to baseballreference.com and check out Aaron Rowands WONTP stat... you know, Wins Over a Non-Team Player. While I'm there, I'll check his VOAH (Value Over Adolf Hitler.) Oh.. that's right, these stats don't FUCKING EXIST, because it makes no fucking difference whether or not you're a team player.

The 1978 Yankees fucking hated each other. The coach and the cleanup hitter were getting in fistfights. Billy Martin was pulling lineups out of his fucking hat. And they won the World Series.

Is the without-Bonds team better? Yes, marginally. It's younger. Bruce Bochy gets to develop Velez. At least Lewis can run after balls in left field as opposed to Bonds who stood there like a statue. Lewis is developing into a pretty good hitter.

You can go look if you want. Trust me, the without-Bonds team isn't better. It's littered with 26-year old non-prospects with .250 OBPs like Velez, who might one day develop into a 30 year old with a .280 OBP. Fred Lewis is developing into a slightly above average major league hitter and he can run after fly balls!!! Yayyyyyy Fred Lewis!!!! The without-Bonds team won't win more than 70 games. Ever. Unless it gets some serious help.

The real issue is why another team doesn't sign Bonds. The A's come to mind. Some teams could use him - could put up with him - as the last piece in a playoff team.

Umm... The A's are rebuilding. They're not "one piece away" from anything. Their GM has a PLAN (that involves numbers)... so they're still able to play competitive baseball while they rebuild, but they're not one piece away from the playoffs. What the fuck are you talking about?

Note to readers: As you notice Iggy and Lowell have not been arguing with each other the past few weeks. We like each other. We are thinking of changing the name for this blog from Cohn vs. Cohn to the Cohn Zohn. The Cohn Zohn has been suggested by one of our faithful readers. We still could dispute a topic in the Cohn Zohn - we'd let readers know this was an argument, etc. We would make the change to the Cohn Zohn but don't actually know how to do it. Stay tuned.

Awwwww that's so sweet! Iggy and Lowell love each other!! And they're going to change the name of the blog to "The Cohn Zohn!!!" Oh, I'm so excited!! But let me get this straight... Iggy Cohn, the witty, wise-guy, smarty-smart college-age son doesn't know how to change the NAME of a FUCKING BLOG!? Are these people Amish? Ahhhh... I see what's going on here.

Iggy is college-age. He's not actually enrolled in a college though. My guess is that Iggy is actually living abroad, building wells to provide clean water to people in Third World Nations! Iggy has never actually SEEN a baseball game, because he's wayyyy too busy with his humanitarian projects, but he does make time to talk to his dad, Lowell every now and again, and his father is obsessed with this Baseball thing, so Iggy just listens and agrees with whatever his pop says. Pop is so proud of Iggy's work. And Iggy loves pop's blog too. Even though he has no idea what a fucking tool he looks like in it.